Friday, August 29, 2008

Fantasy Football Draft recap

The draft is complete, the rosters are set and it’s pretty obvious how this year’s “Who Needs Linebackers” Fantasy football league is going to shake out:

Team: Awesomenicity
Owner: Heidi
Projected points: 1744
Projected finish: Twelfth Place

Heidi, the Bill Belichick of our league, actually looks to have put together a good team: RBs Joseph Addai, Maurice Jones-Drew, Jamal Lewis and QB Carson Palmer should get her started nicely. But I’m projecting her to finish dead last because there’s still a lot of controversy surrounding her suspension last season for performance-enhancing drugs. Just this week the National Fantasy Football Enquirer (one of my favorite papers) had a story alleging that she’s hooked up a Red Bull injection system to her laptop. League officials are looking into the allegations, and who knows if she’ll make it through the season.

Team: Blue Collar Killers
Owner: Jeff
Projected points: 1898
Projected finish: Eleventh place

There’s no reason this team can’t rack up the points: RB Marion Barber, WR Plaxico Burress, TE Chris Cooley, CB Allen Rossum, QB Eli Manning, and RB Jerious Norwood all could push Jeff’s team to the top. But I hate all those players, so I hope they don’t. Especially that Jerious Norwood. Get a real name, you bum.

Team: Fulvnuts
Owner: Anthony
Projected points: 1988
Projected finish: Tenth place
Look, I love Westbrook. You love Westbrook. We all love Westbrook. But he’s not the top fantasy player in the league. So when Ant decided to make Westy the top pick instead of LaDanian Tomlinson or Adrian Peterson, he dropped his chances of winning the league from fairly high to near zero. Add in the fact that he didn’t draft a wideout until round 9 (Bryant Johnson is his top receiver?) and you’ve got the markings of a rough team. On the plus side, with Westy and McNabb leading his squad, he’ll either be really happy or really pissed every Sunday.

Team: Porkchop Express
Owner: Neal
Projected points: 2005
Projected finish: Ninth place
This team has it all: RBs Clinton Portis and Edgerrin James, WRs Torry Holt and Chris Chambers, QBs Marc Bulger and Jeff Garcia, TEs Tony Gonzalez and Alge Crumpler. They’re all solid performers in the prime of their careers who should be able to push Neal towards the top. Wait, it’s still 2003, right? No? It’s 2008 now? Oh. Nevermind.

(I know, I pull this same joke out every year, but there’s always one team that fits it and it’s still funny to me, so….)

Team: Team Name
Owner: Paul
Projected points: 2077
Projected finish: Eighth place
Paul last year adopted the Siegel Strategy (patent pending) and parlayed a mess of good wideouts and two great QBs into a league win. And while his corps of wideouts are again great (Wayne, Boldin, C.Johnson, Lee Evans) his RB corps of injured Earnest Graham, Selvin Young and that Ricky Williams makes me doubt he can finish in the top half again. Plus, nobody likes QB Jay Cutler, and backup QB Kurt Warner hasn’t won anything since 2001.

Team: Farve’s in Charge
Owner: Joel
Projected points: 2111
Projected finish: Seventh place

There’s something about this team I like, even though it’s WR heavy and has no real QB (David Garrard and Jake Delhomme? Why not just draft a Detmer?) But WRs Steve Smith and Larry Fitzgerald, paired with RB Steven Jackson, should keep Joel in the thick of things until the end of the season. Then, much like the Garrard-lead Jaguars, they’ll suddenly collapse and slip out of contention.

Team: Arena Bowl Champions
Owner: Jo
Projected points: 2154
Projected finish: Sixth place

This team has great QBs (Brady and Farve) and RBs (LJ, Michael Turner and Darren McFadden) and nothing for receivers. I mean nothing. Having both Eagles wideouts (Kevin Curtis and Reggie Brown) is bad enough, but Roddy White? David Patten? Five bucks says Coach doesn’t even know what team those players are on. That said, Tom Brady’s 754 TD passes this year as the Patsies go 18-1 again should be enough to keep her near the top.

Team: Name (Coming Soon)
Owner: Mike
Projected points: 2204
Projected finish: Fifth place

When you look at Mike’s roster of QB Peyton Manning, WRs Randy Moss and TJ Whoseyourmama, and RB Reggie Bush, one big question jumps out: Is Mike’s team name actually coming soon? Because it’s been two weeks already, and we’re still stuck with that temporary fill in. Usually he’s among the frontrunners for team name of the year, but right now the best we’ve got are Fulvnuts and Cindy McCain’s Botox, and while amusing they aren’t top-flight material. It’s not an exaggeration to call it the biggest question in the NFL this year, more compelling than the Farve saga and 100 Super Bowls combined.

Team: Ice Road Truckers
Owner: Dad
Projected points: 2394
Projected finish: Fourth place

Dad, you’ve got a good team (RB Adrian Peterson, QB Matt Hasselbeck). A few points:
-- That Roy Williams is the Detroit wideout, not the Cowboys CB. Don’t cut him.
-- RB Julius Jones doesn’t play for the Cowboys anymore. Don’t cut him.
-- TE Jeremy Shockey doesn’t play for the Giants anymore. Don’t cut him.
-- Yes, RB Brandon Jacobs plays for the Giants, but he’s good. Don’t cut him.
-- Amani Toomer stinks. Go ahead and cut him, and pick up DeSean Jackson. You don’t have any Eagles on the team right now.

Team: Madden hearts NY
Owner: Capt. Awesome
Projected points: 2467
Projected finish: Third place
I’m either going to have a great fantasy year or a miserable one, because seven of the 17 players on my team are the same as my pay league. Among the notables in both are QBs Derek Anderson and John Kitna, the Chicago D, RB Ronnie Brown and K David Akers. So either I’ve perfected the Yahoo draft system in just my seventh year doing this, or I’ve screwed myself terrible. On the plus side, Anthony’s love of Westy nets me LT for a second year in a row, which is very nice…

Team: Cindy McCain’s Botox
Owner: Jim
Projected points: 2500
Projected finish: Second place
If you’re going to follow the Siegel Strategy (patent pending) you’ve got to do it right, and nobody out-Jims Jim at it. He spent the first half of his draft grabbing solid WRs like Welker and Holmes and the second half stealing serviceable RBs like Lendale White and Chris Brown. Throw in a Pittsburg D and his strong second-place finish last year, and he should make another run in 2008. However, we’ll all be rooting against him, since the squad is anchored by stinking Romo and even-more-stinking T.O.

Team: The Moravians
Owner: Bob
Projected points: 2501
Projected finish: First place
Bob had the most balanced draft of anyone (RB-WR-RB-QB-WR-WR…) and boasts a starting lineup of QB Drew Brees, RBs Frank Gore and Willie Parker, and WR Andre Johnson that should net him a boatload of points. He managed to grab Parker’s backup as an insurance policy, and has a solid string of secondary receivers in Todd Heap, Dwayne Bow and Bernard Berrian. So all of that, coupled with my feeling that he could win it all, should absolutely promise that he finishes no higher than eighth place. But we’ll put him up here anyways, because it’ll be a lot funnier when he crashes and burns.

OK, kids – scoring starts next week. I’ve got no advice for you on the defensive players, other than to say that I wouldn’t put all my money on DE Jerome McDougle. Just a hunch.


mrs shayle said...

What's a "WR"? I didn't know that was one of my options. Ill have to ask Coach Andy about that.

Reggie Brown? Merde. I know who David Patten is, thank you, and I totally didn't think he still played for Arizona. I'm pretty sure you made that other guy up.
We're starting 2 QBs this year, right?

MomShane said...

Well, here's my comment about this posting: play fair, don't fight with one another and be nice. And stop being so mean to Heidi.

Lari said...

Cap'n ~ Do you ever sleep? How do you find the time to write the articles, take pix, complete blogs, do the twitter gig? Perhaps this is how you know of Heidi's Red Bull transfusions.
.....and, I wish I were a family member. You guys have way too much fun. I wanna meet Heidi too.....even tho she thinks the Bucks are gaytarded. xo!

Capt. Awesome said...

Wait, Lari isn't a family member? That's news to me...

coach andy said...

WHATS A "WR" are you kidding me.and now you want to ask me????????i have my own problems.and as for you momshane stop being a mom and let heidi get her butt kicked.fantasy football aint for sissies.does capt. have a real job or is he just a fantasy football cordinator?who is heidi anyway?where did paris go?do i have a "WR"?i'm so confused when my games aint on monday nite.

quint said...

Can we just all take a moment to appreciate that "Gaytarded" made an appearance on the blog today.


Thank you. I am at peace with the world.

bob said...

I am completely stoked to see my name at first place for the first and last time for this fantasy football season. It was almost to have been quite a ride!

Siegel said...

Great, not only is my drafting style getting unwanted attention, but I'm jinxed for sure with a second-place prediction. I liked it better starting last season 11th in the preseason and then rising above all expectations.

At least I have an extra special reason to cheer each of the six Romo-to-TO touchdowns vs. the Iggles this year. Go Steelers!