Another day, another base

In the last week I’ve already slept in four different beds, and tonight we’ll make it five. I headed up north to Kabul today to get my press stuff squared away, and I’ll be moving back south tomorrow to actually embed with my unit and start working. (Of course, I’ve already written three stories, but I haven’t done any work yet.)

At this point, I just want to get somewhere where I can find the bathrooms quickly. But this camp does have a laundromat, so everyone at my next stop will be very much appreciative of that.

Since the pictures were such a hit yesterday (and since I’m using a good old commercial internet line this time) let’s throw a few more scenes out there for you:


This is Bagram Air Base, really the hub of all U.S. operations in Afghanistan. Note the imposing mountains in the distance – when the Russians first came here this was a valley swamp which they promptly filled in to make a landing strip. So now the area is a searing dust bowl, but when the skies clear the mountains are really incredible looking.

For my trip up to Kabul I took a helicopter, and as is standard every time I’m in a helicopter…


… they left one of the doors open. Seriously, this is the fifth open-air 1,000-foot-altitude flight I’ve taken in my life (including one in a biplane, I kid you not). And I’ve got a thing with heights. This dude sat on the edge of the bird the whole flight, scanning the ground for bad guys and acting as if he was lounging in a deck chair (note the little cushion under his tushie). I managed not to hyperventilate this time, but I did have a good white-knuckles grip on that camera.

More pictures coming when I get home of everything, but I wanted to give y’all a glimpse at over here. It’s very gray and khaki everywhere, but there are the occasional blotches of hue that remind me I haven’t gone colorblind yet.

Also, we’ll have some more story links tomorrow (with professional pictures this time). If you can’t wait, you know where to find them, anytime after 5pm today.

Outside the wire

I might not get to post again for a few days -- more traveling to come -- but for now lets give a quick recap of today. Now with photos!!


I spent today in the mountains of Parwan province near a town called Nawaj -- it's the one on the hill. The locals just finished rebuilding that bridge with money from the coalition, so they threw a small "thank you" ceremony which included ...


... lunch for everyone! On the menu was lamb, some unitentifiable meatball type product, some rice mixed with dates and marberries (think blackberries, but not bitter). Pictured here are some of the village elders and the governor of the province, along with some military folks. I chatted with a 24-year-old Afghan interpreter who spent several years in Pakistan as a refugee and called the sheep with big rumps all around the area "J Lo sheep."

It was very cool, and unlike this military base it was also very beautiful. Think the Poconos with fewer trees and many more Afgans. We'll have a write up in the paper on Thursday.

First sign of acutal work being done

Check it out: I'm no longer a slacker.

Visit to Afghanistan on Rumsfeld’s upcoming itinerary

More to come later in the week.

Oh, that's a long one

I’ve got a few days in northern Afghanistan and then more travel, but while I’m relaxing a bit let’s recap the last few days in great detail, written in real-time as I lived through it:

(Please note: Even as this was going on, it was pretty funny. Me and a handful of the rest of the small Afghanistan-bound crew kept laughing as something else went wrong. So I’m OK, Mom.)

Saturday, 0700 hours Germany time: Wake up, call about my 10am flight. Find out it has been canceled. Go looking for breakfast.

0800: After checking my e-mail, decide to check on the flight again. The terminal officials tell me the flight is still on, but I need to be there by 9am to get on.

0858: Arrive at the terminal with my three bags (total weight: around 75 pounds).

0930: Find out I’ve been bumped from the flight. Flirt with the young soldier who said she liked my Ohio State hat and new haircut. Still bumped from the flight. Told to come back at 1430 to see if I can get a seat on the 1630 flight.

1200: Seats for the 1630 flight open up and are gone in 20 minutes. Luckily, and because I didn’t trust them, I never left the terminal. I’m number six on the list.

1530: Just realized this isn’t a 1630 flight. It’s an 1830 flight, with a 1630 boarding time. I still haven’t left the terminal.

1629: Just realized that there’s no way this thing will board at 1630.

1730: Get into the boarding terminal, see that this flight is run by ATA. Consider quitting rather than board an ATA flight. Get on anyway.

1830: Pilot announces we’re ready for takeoff.

1850: Plane moves for the first time, backwards about 20 feet, then stops.

1910: Plane moves for the second time, forward into its original parking spot.

1930: Plane moves for the third time, backwards about 20 feet, then stops. This is pretty much standard ATA operating procedure.

1950: Plane actually leaves the ground.

1951: Right after takeoff, on the way up, a stream of freezing cold water spills from the overhead compartments onto my shoulder, and someone about 15 rows back is hit with a falling piece of ceiling. The male stewardess tells both of us not to worry about it.

2320: Land on the ground in Turkey. The entire plane is emptied so they can refuel and put out clean pillows and headphones, at which point we’ll all get back in our exact same seats.

0050, Sunday: After a 45 minute immigration process, we return to the plane.

0120: Upon takeoff, a stream of freezing cold water spills from the overhead compartments onto my shoulder. I use my new, clean pillow to sop up the water.

0520: Land in Kyrgyzstan. Local time is actually 0920, but since I’ll have to reset my watch again in a few hours, I’m sticking with German time.

0700: Finish immigration processing in Manus. Go to the flight terminal. Told that a plane with 90 open seats is leaving for Afghanistan in one hour. But if I wanted to be on that flight, I needed to be in this terminal 30 minutes ago, instead of somewhere else.

0800: Plane takes off with 90 empty seats. Forty other Bagram-bound passengers and I are told the next flight will be at 1430 Germany time, but seats will go up at 1230.

1200: Check on the flight, find out it has been cancelled. Next flight will be in 24 hours.

1330: After getting a tent, lie down to take a nap.

1331: Another Buckeyes fan who I befriended on the plane (I love my Ohio State hat) runs into my tent to tell me they opened a new flight, but they haven’t announced it.

1332: I’m across the base pleading for a seat on the flight. I’m now number two of 18 seats.

1430: I grab a quick dinner at the base dining hall. On the menu: Lobster tail, fried shrimp, ribs. I skip the ribs to leave room for mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert.

1630: Board the bus to get on the flight. Drive out to the airstrip, find out the cargo plane has mechanical problems. Return to the terminal.

1800: Get back on the bus to return to the airstrip.

1830: The C-17 takes off. I’m sitting on the side of the plane, looking inward at a pile of our luggage.

1835: The C-17 levels off. I’m sitting on the side of the plane, looking inward at our luggage now strewn across about 30 feet of cargo plane floor.

2030: We land at Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan, my final destination … for the weekend. More travel to come later in the week, but now maybe I can find a bed and a shower. Local time is 10pm, because they have to be 30 minutes off from the rest of the world.

That’s traveling with the military, kids: 37.5 hours to get from Germany to Afghanistan. A little less than 10 hours actually in the air, and much of the rest waiting in terminals, traveling to terminals, and trying to get out of terminals. I’m no worse for the wear, but I am considering Hertz rent-a-car for my trip back next month.

Live, from Afghanistan!

Famous last words -- As soon as I said it would be days before I'd get out of Stan-stan-istan, another flight opened and I hopped on. After a quick two-hour flight in a C-17 (think of a warehouse with wings) I hit Bagram just before midnight on Sunday. Now, it think it's only 16 or 17 more stops before I actually start to get work done....

Internet is sketchy right now and I never did get that nap, so we'll keep this post short. But I can tell you that my first impression of Afghanistan was ... it's really windy. And dark. Hopefully I'll get a better read in the morning.

Live, from Kygyzstan

I'll give you a full recap of how I got here after I get a nap in, but here are the relevant points for now:

-- I've slept for three of the last 32 hours and about eight of the last 56. I actually spent 20 hours straight going from terminal to plane to terminal to plane to base.

-- I've watched four movies in those 32 hours: Dude Where's My Car (simply terrible), Last Holiday (actually better than you'd expect, but crap), Big Momma's House 2 (without the first one I really couldn't follow the subtle plotlines) and Fantastic Four (the only good part of the movie was Jessica Alba, so I enjoyed it very much).

-- I'm now as far away from America as I've ever been (by far). The optimist in me says every move from here on out brings me closer to home. The pessimist went out cold from exhaustion about 30 minutes ago.

-- I'm still not where I need to be. Manas is the major refueling hub for all aircraft out of Afghanistan, but that still doesn't mean it's easy to get from one to the other. I might be stuck here for a few days, but if I am there are a few easy stories I can run down.

The good news is this is a rustic but safe base, and I've already visited the dining hall and showers, thank gawd. If I get stuck here, the only stress will be boredom.

My next chance to get into Afghanistan will be at 3am Monday morning (5pm Sunday DC time, 3pm Sunday New Mexico time. Hi, Jenny!) So keep your fingers crossed, or it could be a long week.

.... or maybe not not

Make that a 330pm flight to Turkey to Kyrgystan to Afghanistan. They had 16 seats available on the 10am flight, and I was 17th on the list they put together yesterday. Buggers.

I'm starting to wonder if this site is going to be nothing but updates from the Ramstein terminal. They've got a Subway sandwhich shop in here, so it has that loverly Subway funk everywhere.

.... or maybe not

Another day of "Hurry up and wait." The military had no space for little old me on any of their flights to Afghanistan today, so it's a relaxing evening at Ramstein Air Base for me until my flight tomorrow. The downside is boredom, but the upside is a chance to watch some good old fashioned American TV courtesy of the military networks. After a week of CNN International, the O.C. never looked so good....

... OK, the O.C. still sucks. But Simpsons will be on around 8. That's something.

Tomorrow's plans call for a 10am flight to Turkey, followed by a flight to Kyrgyzstan, followed by a flight to Afghanistan. The good news is that right now it looks like I'll be taking some sort of charter jet, as opposed to a big, noisy cargo plane. The bad news is that it might take me three months to get over there.

One last note from Germany

A few of you mentioned it in yesterday's comments, but I just thought you all should know:

Even in Germany, with an ocean between me and the states, I still can't get away from Terrell Owens news.

Maybe they have some law against news reports on that dope in Afghanistan. That'd make the whole trip so much more relaxing....

Places all over the place

To help those of you easily confused with geography, I've officially switched the site to "Off base from Fort Awesome" for the time being. I don't want any of you to think that any old military facility can become Fort Awesome just because Capt. Awesome is passing through. I'm on leave from the fort, so to speak.

Looks like Friday afternoon I'll be hopping on that military jet, getting out of Germany and flying into Kabul (with possible stops in Greece and Kyrgyzstan, wherever that is).

I just finished training on all my equipment, so I should be able to update this site either via satellite or though carrier pigeon, whichever is more reliable. Likely it'll be the pigeon.

Italia! Italia!

I spent the evening yesterday in a German city drinking an Austrian beer in a Mexican resturant watching Italian fans go crazy over the soccer game. I can't think of a better way to celebrate America's independence.

I also learned several very important lessons: There are a lot of Italians in Germany right now, so many that several major routes in Darmstadt were closed down as they cruised around waving their flags and honking their horns (outside my hotel, until 3am). And I wish I had my voice recorder on me during the game, because I could have captured the sound of an entire nation screaming at once when Germany gave up that goal in the 118th minute.

They keep telling me that at some point I'll start doing work over here, but so far it's just beer, soccer and sleep, not necessarily in that order.

One flight down

I landed in Frankfurt about three hours ago and am now relaxing in our European offices in ... where the heck am I? Greisham? Maybe... I dunno. But I've got a hotel and apparently a few folks to watch the soccer match tonight, so all is well.

And that's saying a lot, considering that lousy Lufthansa flight:

-- In flight movie: "Take the Lead." Antonio Banderas teaches inner city youths the joy of ballroom dancing. Ugh.

-- In flight reading: USA Today's story about how tough it is to be an Hotlanta Braves fan. Only 14 division championships in a row? My heart weeps for them.

-- In flight exercise: Balancing on one foot during the six hours of turbulence. Plane shaking while one is in the bathroom is not fun.

So I've earned that beer and soccer tonight, if I can make it until 9 pm (or, in DC time, 645am last Sunday.)

Last night in town

Ok, kids, it's time. Tomorrow evening I leave U.S. soil to visit our good German friends for a few days, and then off to Afghanistan after that. I'll try to keep posting once I get over there, but I've had to limit my incoming hotmail to just the addresses already in the book. So, unless you regularly get witty messages from me, email me at the work address.

Everybody stay safe, and we'll pick this up again on the other side of the world.

A little R&R

I'm back on base at Fort Awesome after getting my seal of approval from the crazy Brits. I'll be shipping out on Monday, so until then I'll be relaxing and packing and trying to get this theatrical blood out of my clothes.

If you've got any advice for an eight-hour plane ride, now is the time, kids.

Out damn spot, out!

We've been doing some fairly intensive first aid training out here, so today's lessons were fairly disgusting:

-- Medical instructors have a great time playing with fake blood.

-- A simulated severed hand is still really freaky.

-- Brits have a good time spraying fake blood in your face when they think you might be panicking.

-- Fake blood does not taste very good.

Luckily everything was in a controlled environment, and the answer to most of the questions were "You're never actually going to need this stuff, but just in case ...", and despite all the mess the instructors were basically complimentary to all of us, so we're all good.

But there's still a little red stuff in my ears...

After-hours learnin'

We covered a lot more first-aid and general safety stuff today, but the really important lesson was delivered late last night over beers with the instructors:

-- English soccer fans are all insane.

Just a few hours after we finished a series of lectures on how to handle head trauma and deep puncture wounds, our British experts regaled us with stories of going to matches between fairly insignificant rivals (think Phillies vs. Padres) and starting brawls before the game, starting brawls in the stadium, and then meeting in predetermined areas after the match to rumble with opposing fans.

One guy had a story about a man with a false arm who was banned from the games because he gouged too many people's eyes out with his hook. And did you know you can fit two blades in those exacto knives, thereby making it much harder to stitch up the wound afterwards? Now you do.

Seriously, next time I hear somebody complain about batteries at a baseball game I'm gonna smash my head in with a brick. Then I'm gonna launch into a lecture on the proper way to smack someone in the head with a brick, as told by the Brits.

More tips from off-base

Day two was even more informative than day one:

-- If needed, I can drag a 200-pound unconscious man across a room, but I can't do much of anything after that.

-- Horse farms smell bad in the heat and the rain.

-- Kevlar can slow down bullets but apparently have trouble dealing with exposure to water. Cheap windbreakers are superior apparel in the rain but aren't as effective against small arms fire.

-- If you're performing first aid on someone and they're screaming at you, you don't really need to check for a pulse. They've got one.

-- British Royal Marines' jokes about mines really aren't that funny. But you still should laugh.

Tomorrow's lesson is going to be how to deal with potentially dangerous situations in foreign countries experiencing an inch of rain each hour. At this rate, Thursday's lesson will involve getting on an ark with two of each animal.

Off base in Virginia

The big trip started today with a week of pseudo-military training for reporters in the shadown of the Shenendoah tourist traps. So far, here's what I've learned:

-- I can't tell the difference between a gun and a camera tripod at 300 yards. Also, I can't tell the difference between a man and a tree at 300 yards.

-- Horse farms smell pretty bad in the summertime.

-- If you're hiring a driver in a foriegn country, make sure he at least has a spare tire in his car.

-- Even if it pours 10 inches in the previous six hours, you should still be wearing suntan lotion when the sun comes back out.

-- Canadian journalists do refer to themselves as canucks.

More to come as the week rolls on...

By the way

Long hair and combat zones don't mix, mostly for heat and sanitary reasons, so...


I know I usually do some great things with photoshop, but I assure you this is real. And very, very weird.

Where I'll be until September

Some of you already know this, and for the rest of you I'm sorry I haven't called to explain it yet, but here's your heads up: I'll be traveling to Afghanistan on July 7 and be reporting on U.S. military operations there until Aug. 11.

Yeah, it's really wacky. I'll do anything to get out of mowing the lawn.

Every two years or so, every reporter who works at Stars and Stripes spends six weeks downrange to report on the troops (that's what we do after all) and what's going on in the combat zones. This isn't why I took the job, but I do believe it's an important part of what we do, and it's also something that I think I can help a lot of people with. Most of my reporting will simply be "life in Afghanistan" type stories about how guys are coping with the heat and being away from home, but there will also be some "how to stay safe" and "what exactly are we doing here" reports as well. Troops serving overseas deserve to read the news too.

I actually head out to Virginia for training next week then head to Germany on July 3 to pick up my computer and other equipment, and I'll spend a week in Germany after my time in Asia is up. So I'll be back in the U.S. Aug 18, jet-lagged and likely pretty dusty.

My darling wife will be looking for some kind words and friendly faces during the time I'm gone, so please please please drop her a line and see if there's anything you can do to help her out. If you can curse about the lack of a hefty Eagles RB for third-and-short situations, she might not even notice that I'm not around.

I will have e-mail while I'm overseas. Mainly it will be through the work address, but hopefully I'll also have some access to this blog to keep you kids updated, so keep checking in.

Send me some Phillies scores and say a prayer for me while I'm gone (if you need a God to pray to, it probably counts double if you pray to mine). I'll be back in plenty of time to set up the fantasy football league, so somebody keep Donovan McNabb away from motorcycles while I'm gone.

And we'll have a big Labor Day party at Fort Awesome when I get back, so mark your calendars now.

Seen in slower Delaware

Which is funnier:

Billboard -- "Credence Clearwater Revisted, July 27"

or....

Billboard -- "Think chuch is boring? Try us!"

Just relaxing watching the Phils....

What I've seen so far:

** With two outs in the top of the second and no one on base, the Mets manage to squeeze a run out of the inning.

** With no outs in the bottom of the second and two men on base, the Phils manage to come away with no runs scored.

** In the top of the third, the Phils manage two errors after giving up a solo home run and drop behind on the scoreboard 6-0.

You know what? That hockey game on NBC suddenly looks very interesting.

Fun with headlines

Time for everyone's favorite game, Yahoo news story or Weekly World News alert?

Polar bears may be turning to cannibalism

San Fran hires nudes to protect Golden Gate bridge

Jehovah's use bullhorns on those who don't answer their doors

Beer ingredient may fight prostate cancer

Monks chastized for noisy World Cup celebrations

Man offers soul for sale online

More Eagles predictions

Sports Illustrated online has a list of breakout stars for 2006, and Philadelphia behemoth Shawn Andrews makes the list.

And while I'm not one to turn down a compliment, that's ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong -- that this dump truck of a man is gonna be a great stopper. But even if he's a Pro-Bowler, no one is going to have any idea who he is.

Think I'm wrong? Name one Pro-Bowl O-lineman from last year. Scratch that. Name two offensive lineman who played for an NFL team other than the Eagles last year.

Yeah, me either.

Of course, that didn't stop the Eagles from signing Andrews to a seven-year deal today.

By the way, Dawkins is in the last year of his contract. That needs to be fixed. NOW.

Nobody is gay for Moleman

I made a few changes to the sidebars over there, with more to come. But I wanted to get Don't Blog the Baby over there so we could all see the Little Cracker trying to raise his newborn son.

By the way, you're gay for Moleman.

More fun with Madden

To predict how the season opener against Houston will turn out, I fired up the ole' Madden 2006 game again today. I'm pretty sure this is an accurate prediction:


The final score doesn't tell the real story.


For your information, the previous record for receiving yards in a game was 339 (Willie Anderson, 1989, LA Rams) and the previous record for total yards from scrimmage was 404 (Glyn Milburn, 1995, Denver). Westbrook had a 65 yard rushing TD, a 97 yard receiving TD, and another 70 yard TD catch. McNabb threw for 449 yards and 7 TDs and wasn't even worth a mention.

Again I say, why can't more football games be like this?

Baby baby baby, baby!

Congrats go out to Mr. Thal and his lovely wife (who did all the work) on the birth of yet another Thal, Aidan Patrick "Lou Tilley" Lilienthal. You can read all about the happy news at the wonderfully named Don't Blog the Baby without a Blog Cloth, which I'll soon be adding to the sidebar list of sites that are actually funny (unlike this one).

For the record, it appears I was a little off with my prediction of what the baby would look like.


They're both cute kids, but I guess I'd have to give the edge to the real Aidan. Maybe the next one will have his father's scruff.

Happy Birthday wishes

Better late than never, I recently got some Happy Birthday messages from some of G's closest friends, and they asked me to pass them along:

Um.......

Did Prince just perform on American Idol?

That Prince?

Holy.....

Tomorrow's paper in LA

While I'm getting the Fox out of my system, I got a copy of the LA Times on Tuesday, the day after Jack Bauer was finished rampaging through his 24 hours of hell.



Make sure to click on the picture to open up the whole picture and fully see the depths of my insanity. After it opens a new window, hold your mouse over the pic for a second and click on the little box on the bottom right.

Disturbing American Idol stuff

Since this is my last chance to post about these jokers, and since 50 million people watched that final sing off tonight between Katherine McPhee and Tayolr Hicks, here are a few observations:

*** Best sign: This Hick Loves Hicks.
Worst sign: Fox identified Tori Spelling as "Katherine's family."

*** I saw at least five Ford commercials, and I heard this week that a 30 second ad cost $1.3 million (third among TV shows, behind only the Oscars and El Super Bowla). Even if they got a discount and only paid $5 million, that's enough cash to hand out 250 free Mustangs, which probably would have been much better publicity.

*** When they announced there was a special guest, I could have sworn it was the Registrar of Alabama there to confirm that Taylor is actually 47 years old. Dude has more gray hair than Sean Connery, but I'm supposed to believe he's 29? C'mon. I sat through a whole season of 24, and I can't swallow that. Even my hair isn't that bad.

*** I wish I had bought stock in the song "You had a bad day." Every 14-year-old girl in the country has been brainwashed into loving that weeny little Canadian guy. There's gotta be some way we can make money off that.

*** When 9 p.m. rolled around, my Tivo switched over to NBC's disaster movie 10.5 Apocalypse. You know, I didn't even notice that I wasn't still watching American Idol...

*** And for all you gamblers out there, put the money on Taylor and pick the over on the vote totals (60 million is the over/under, but I bet 75 million votes were cast).

Disturbing pics, part 3

The most disturbing picture I've ever taken -- this was a puppet shop on the side of a hill in Prague. We still have nightmares.

Disturbing pics, part 2

More from the camera.


This sign sits along Route 301 just north of the Maryland/Delaware border. Again, no clue. Maybe there are a lot of frog-related train derailments in the area.

Disturbing pics, part 1

I was cleaning off the digital camera today, and found a number of disturbing, random pictures on there.

So, rather than actually get rid of them , let's make it into a recurring theme. For picture number 1 ...


This was a statue in Prague (from a trip last fall) titled "Man Peeing." The little girl who was studying it with us didn't have any better answers.

More to come ...

New favorite Phillie

If you run headfirst into a wall trying to make a catch, then pull out "For who? For what?" as your explanation, you're the greatest Philadelphia baseball player since Darren Daulton made some sense.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read the Inky now.

Seriously, he needs a nickname and a fan club right away.

Fun with Google

If you don't check in on Google Labs frequently, you should -- they're always putting fun new stuff up there. Today they released a tool where you can see how often certain search terms come up.

For example, if you did a search for Chuck Norris you would see searches in his name spiking right around the time the 30 facts about his life came out.

You can even compare, say, Chuck Norris to Jesus, you would see that at the height of his popularity the master of roundhouse kicks was as popular with Google searchers as our Lord and Savior, master of everything but roundhouse kicks.

I bring this up, of course, to confirm to you what you already knew:


Even in the offseason, the Eagles are vastly more popular than the other Philly sports teams. You can see it for yourself here.

It's not just that the NFL is more popular than everyone else. If you compare the four major sports leagues (We'll include the NHL just for fun) you'll see baseball and basketball taking over during their respective seasons. But even at their lowest, the Birds are right on par with everyone else.

What I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with caring about the Eagles all year long. Everyone else is doing it. And it'll make you feel good. C'mon, just try a little bit.

What happens when there's no football

Some stats from this Madden 06 game:

** Donovan McNabb -- 383 yards passing, 8 TDs, 16 yards rushing, 1 TD
** Brian Westbrook -- 135 rushing, 2 TDs, 65 yards receiving
** Anquan Boldin (traded for TO in the offseason) -- 122 yards receiving, 1 TD, -3 yards rushing
** Javon Kearse -- 5 tackles, 4 sacks, 1 safety
** Sheldon Brown -- 3 tackles, 2 INTs, 2 TDs
** David Akers -- 1 FG (26 yards), 13 extra points

Why can't all football be like this?

You must be kidding me

I'm feeling that Phils' pride ...

No, wait, that's too strong.

I'm feeling that Phils' not shame. Yeah, not shame.

Parenting 101

This is the right way to raise a kid.

Nine in a row?????

Now I've gotta say something about the Phillies....

Um ....

Woo-hoo?

While I try and decide if I'm back on the bandwagon, take a look at the first tenth of the season vs the second tenth. If my math is right, they should go 18 and negative-two over the next 16 games.

	First 16 games	Next 16 Games
Wins	6	12
Losses	10	4
Phils runs per game	4.5	5.5
Opponents RPG	6.2	3.9
Phils ERA	5.66	3.55
Opponents ERA	3.96	5.62
Phils total hits	143	143
Phils home runs	23	19
Phils strikeouts (batting)	88	115

That's right -- the Phillies struck out more and hit fewer home runs and managed to double their win total.

I'm still deciding....

Tomorrow's post: Why Candyland stinks

The wonderful folks at Hasboro have been working furiously to destroy the beloved game Monopoly for the last month -- After May 12, the game will no longer feature Park Place and Boardwalk but instead feature some of the great (and some really crappy) landmarks from major cities throughout the country.

And they're letting people vote on it.

I don't know how many presidential elections this country is going to have to go through before we all demand a king (or military coup, with Fort Awesome as its HQ) and realize that there are certain things people shouldn't be allowed to vote on.

So the public gets to choose among such wonderful Cleveland sites like Jacob's Field, Elucid Street and ... something else that has the same photo of Elucid Street. They couldn't even get a third photo in there, for the love of gawd.

Sorry -- I'll post a picture later -- blogger is broken yet again. If it wasn't free, I'd have to complain.

Or, if you travel down to New Orleans, you can vote on three things that no longer look anything like the pictures supplied.

But none of that is my problem -- who cares how lesser cities are represented for future generations. My problem, as you probably guessed, is with the Philly choices:

*** The Liberty Bell
*** Independence Hall
*** Ben Franklin parkway (a "cultrual mecca, including museums and educational institutions" )

Independence Hall is a great symbol of the city as the birthplace of the country, and the line they give there about Ben Franklin parkway combined the majesty of optimistic thinking and good old-fashioned American BS.

But we all know what's going to win: That damn loser bell.

That broken chime is the symbol of everything that's wrong with Philly today. It's the physical embodiment of "trying hard" and "perservence" with the silently understood "but still failing" afterwards. Anywhere else, they would have fixed the crack or thrown it away and bought a new bell. Not here, though. Here it get fixed enough for it not to crack more, but not enough to be used. And we revere it.

When Rocky lost to Apollo in the first movie, he was the Liberty Bell in action: Impressive and inspiring, but not enough to amount to anything real. Every time a Philly sports team makes a run, they Liberty Bell it just enough to get further than they should but just short of the top spot.

And I blame the Liberty Bell (and Greg Jeffries). We need to ditch it in the harbor like so much Boston tea and embrace a symbol befitting the city's grace and not-New-Jersey-scent.

So I implore you: Go here and vote for Independence Hall. Save our fair city from another decade of this albatross of a symbol. And while your there, see if you can figure out a way to vote for the site of Kennedy's assassination on the Dallas page. Isn't that what people really think of?

What sport was I just watching?

In case you missed the hockey games last night, here's the box score between the Sabres and the Senators:


For the record, there were 15 baseball games last night, and 10 of them had less scoring than this match-up. The Padres won their game 1-zip in the 11th inning.

But in this ice contest, three of the goals came in the first four minutes of the game, and three more came in the last two minutes of the third period. The game-winner came 18 second into overtime.

Welcome to the new NHL.

Tonight's top story

The streets run red with Burgundy's blood.

That is all.

Skip the post, go right to the link

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the Flyers won't come back in this game, down by six goals with nine minutes left, which means yet another sports season has passed for the good fans of Philly without a championship.

For those of you keeping score at home, since the '83 Sixers took home the NBA title, the city has gone nearly 23 years without a championship. That means that kids born in 1984 are old enough to drink and haven't had a reason to raise a glass of champagne to sports glory for their entire lives. That should scare you.

To put it another way, that's 88 sporting seasons (not including strikes) since Philly has had a title. We'll hit the 100 mark in 2009 unless one of these teams does something soon.

Or, if you prefer, it's more than 7,600 regular season and playoff games since we've had real satisfaction. I'm getting sick of facing the Panthers (Florida or Carolina)and Giants (New York or San Fran) and Bucs (Tampa Bay or Milwaukee) and Devils (New Jersey or Dallas Cowboys) without any gratifying closure.

So, while I wallow in self-pity for a bit, here's a video of Brian Dawkins hitting people to make you a little happier.

Ahhhhh ... I feel better already. Look at little Alge Crumpler crumple.

Greatest T-shirt ever

A gift from Major Dingus and his loverly wife:


Major Dingus is now in line for a promotion.

In case you don't know what this is, click here. That's all the explanation you get.

Recapping the holiday

Another Draftsgiving has come and gone, and the festivities have left the fort in a wonderful state of disarray. Special thanks to Team KidSmartyPants and Team ChrisG for their attendance: we've upgraded the alert level to Kelly Green as a result, with the appropriate security reactions on the way.

But before that, here's a quick look back at what happened:

-- The scariest moment of the day? When I accurately picked the Iggles first pick, then saw the second guy I mentioned get grabbed by the Birds too. Go back here and see for yourself.

-- Most fun pickup for the Iggles? WR Jeremy Bloom, better known for being an Olympic moguls competitor. If they ever move to use downhill skiing to decide overtime, we've got the games all sewn up.

-- Biggest surprise? There was significantly less Mortal Kombat II than expected, both at the fort and in the draft. And I still can't believe our EA Sports NHL 06 game to simulate the Sabres/Flyers game wasn't accurate (The game was 3-0 Sabres; We had the Flyers winning 21-1).

-- Best call? On the grill, steaks as thick as now-former-Eagle Hollis Thomas. Mmmmmmm.... grilled Hollis Thomas.

-- Best name? Ohio State CB Ashton Youboty. I don't know why I didn't do a whole "where's your booty gonna go in the draft" preview on this guy. He's a Bill now.

-- Most bizarre moment? The Dawkins pass which set up the McNabb slapshot goal in an eventual 16-0 win by the Eagles over the New Jersey Devils ESPN NHL 2K5. You would have expected McNabb to be the one passing. And, for the record, it is not a sign of mental issues if you decide to transfer the entire Eagles roster into a hockey game.

So many memories... If only there was some sort of Draftsgiving holiday to look forward to in the fall ...

The pregame show

Twas the night before Draftsgiving, and all through Fort Awesome, not a creature is stirring, because mixed drinks are for whimps.


The TVs are nestled, all snug in their spots, so we can watch the draft, lots and lots and lots.


With me in my "Football" shirt, and plenty of beer, we're waiting for the Iggles pick, filled with agonizing fear.


So happy Draftsgiving to all, and to all -- let's not pick a O-lineman, OK?

This weekend's TV sked

To help with your Draftsgiving Day viewing, here is the tentative television schedule for Fort Awesome this weekend:

12pm
TV1 – ESPN, NFL Draft
TV2 – ESPN, NFL Draft
TV3 – ESPN, NFL Draft

1202pm
TV1 – PS2 (Hockey, three player)
TV2 – ESPN, NFL Draft
TV3 – ESPN, NFL Draft

100pm
TV1 – PS2 (Mortal Kombat II)
TV2 – ESPN, NFL Draft
TV3 – SCI-FI, Chupacabra (Movie – SciFi)

300pm
TV1 – PS2 (Hockey, five player)
TV2 – ESPN, NFL Draft
TV3 – OLN, Hockey playoffs: Ranger at Devils, Game 4

500pm
TV1 – PS2 (Something where we shoot things)
TV2 – ESPN, NFL Draft
TV3 – CSN, World Championship Darts

600pm
TV1 – PS2 (back to Mortal Kombat II)
TV2 – ESPN, NFL Draft
TV3 – TNT, Basketball playoffs: Dallas at Memphis

800pm
TV1 – PS2 (Dance dance revolution)
TV2 – ESPN, NFL draft (switch from C11)
TV3 – WNVC, Australian Rules Football

1000pm
TV1 – PS2 (Whatever wasn’t broken during the dancing)
TV2 – ESPN, Basketball playoffs: L.A. Clippers at Denver
TV3 – WZDC, Die Hard 2 (Spanish)

1200am
TV1 – AMC, Tremors 3
TV2 – AMC, Tremors 3
TV3 – AMC, Tremors 3

Remember, you can celebrate Draftsgiving Day with just one TV, but you're really not into the spirit of what the holiday is all about.

Greatest video ever

Before I cover more Draftsgiving Day stuff, the folks over at Philadelphia Will Do performed a tremendous service recently by dredging up some long-hidden video from one of the greatest Eagles games ever:

The Groundhog Day game

It doesn't have Merrill's legendary "They stopped him again! They stopped him again!" but Madden's commentary is spot-on.

If you have to ask what you're watching, I'll need you to return all of your Eagles paraphernalia immediately.

Draftsgiving Day Defined

Before we talk about what Draftsgiving is and how to properly celebrate, I want you to take a step back for a moment.

What's the best holiday of the year? That's right, it's Thanksgiving. As my darling wife always points out, on turkey day no one has to worry about buying gifts (like Christmas) or going to Mass (Easter) or dealing with fire (Fourth of July) or defending one's home and possessions (Arbor Day). And, to top it off, there's football on TV for all to enjoy.

Sure, dinner takes some work, but for a change it's not overshadowed by presents or other distractions. All you have on Thanksgiving is food, football and everyone eventually falling asleep in the family room.

Couldn't we use another holiday like that in the year? Don't we all deserve another relaxing day to commune with our loved ones and stuff our faces?

But where would we put it? Ideally, it'd be in April or May, on the other side of the calendar from Thanksgiving itself. But while there are food and friends readily available all spring, there isn't any football to be had...

... except for the NFL draft, held in late April every year.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Draftsgiving Day.

It's perfect -- everyone is craving the NFL so badly that the draft has become an actual factual footballish event. It's a Saturday, so you don't have to take work off. It's too early to go down the shore, but after all the major spring yardwork is finished. The only downfall is that no one really wants to watch the whole first day of the draft (10 hours on ESPN, I kid you not).

So we devised a plan to make this holiday perfect, nay, sublime. What if we added another element to the food and friends and football? What if the football was on, but it wasn't the main attraction?

What if we set up two (count 'em, two) television sets, one for the draft and one for video games?

Now we've got football and a captive audience willing to spend 12-16 hours together just enjoying each others' company (and playing Mortal Kombat II). Throw in a few thick steaks on the grill and a few (dozen) beers, and you have a brand new holiday.

We've got a small crew of football nuts headed down to Fort Awesome to observe the second annual Draftsgiving Day celebration, and I'll give you our TV set-up and viewing guide later in the week. But I encourage you to tell your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, even that creepy guy on the Metro who smells like he hasn't showered even though he's wet for some reason, about this wonderful new opportunity for a party.

After all, don't you deserve it?

Draft factoids post #12

I'm ending the "15 years of draft stats" a few days early because:

1) Believe it or not, I'm running out of stats.
2) There are a handful of other things I need to get off my chest before the weekend (like the stupid Phillies).
3) I'm gonna need to mow the lawn soon, so I might need to take a day off between now and Saturday.

Tomorrow I'll outline the origins of Draftsgiving Day and the proper way to celebrate it, but before we get there promised that all of this stats breakdown was leading somewhere. So here it is:

What have we learned from our stats crunching?

-- The Eagles are more likely to pick an O or D lineman in the draft than any other positions (22 percent of all draft picks) and especially in the first round (12 of the last 15 first-rounders).
-- The Eagles are more likely to pick someone from a big name school like Florida State or Notre Dame than someplace like Boise State.
-- The Eagles are more likely to pick someone whose last name begins with the letter B, M or W than any other letter.
-- The Eagles are more likely to pick against the experts predictions than with them, often -- but not always -- with disastrous results.

So, with that in mind, here are the most likely candidates to be the newest member of the nest on Saturday:

-- Brodrick Bunkley, DT, Florida State. Everyone has this guy going earlier than the 14th pick, but he fits every criteria above.
Odds of me being right: 90 percent
-- Winston Justice, OT, USC. Again, most people have him going earlier, and his last name starts with J. But O-lineman have a way of slipping down a few spots, and his first name starts with a W and sounds like a last name.
Odds of me being right: 70 percent
-- Kamerion Wimbley, DE, Florida State. This wouldn't make any sense, unless they trade down and decide they need a sixth defensive end. No sense whatsoever. So ...
Odds of me being right: 80 percent
-- Nick Mangold, C, Ohio State. Remember, they almost dumped Hank Fraley this offseason.
Odds of me being right: 50 percent
-- LenDale White, RB, USC. He'd be a perfect complement to Westbrook, he comes from a big program, everyone is predicting he'll end up being great at the pro level. No shot.
Odds of me being right: negative-30 percent

If it's White I'll be the happiest I've been about the Iggles since Chad Lewis broke his foot catching that touchdown pass to seal the NFC championship game. If it's Justice (or a WR), I'll weep openly like ... well .. like the last birds game I watched.

If it's Bunkley, we'll have a vote to see how I feel.

FYI, here's who some other folks are predicting for the Eagles, as of Monday night:
** Yahoo sports: Santonio Holmes, WR, Ohio State
** Sports Illustrated: Chad Greenway, OLB, Iowa
** About.com: Chad Jackson, WR, Florida
** Football's future: Brodrick Bunkley, DT, Florida St.
** Our Lads: Winston Justice, OT, USC

Draft factoids post #11

Since this time next week we’ll be critiquing every move made in the NFL draft, let’s look back at the Eagles picks over the last 15 years and play a little game called “Could they have done better?”

Year	Eagles first pick	Best pick soon thereafter	How upsetting?
1990	CB Ben Smith, pick #22	SS LeRoy Butler, pick 48 (GB)	Mildly unsettling
1991	OT Antone Davis, pick #8	RB Ricky Waters, pick #45 (SF)	Soul-crushing
1992	RB Siran Stacy, pick #48	FB Kevin Turner, pick #71 (NE)	Disappointing
1993	OG Lester Holmes, pick #18	RB Robert Smith, pick #21 (MN)	Ugh.
1994	OT Bernard Williams, pick #14	WR Issac Bruce, pick #33 (LA Rams)	Re-crushing my soul
1995	DE Mike Mamula, pick #7	DT Warren Sapp, pick #12 (TB)	Franchise-crippling
1996	OG Jermane Mayberry, pick #25	SS Lawyer Milloy, pick #36 (NE)	Fairly upsetting
1997	DE Jon Harris, pick #25	RB Tiki Barber, pick #36 (NYG)	Please stop the pain
1998	OT Tra Thomas, pick #11	WR Randy Moss, pick #21 (MN)	Meh. In comparison, not so bad
1999	QB Donovan McNabb, pick #2	QB Daunte Culpepper, pick #11 (MN)	Holy crap, they took the best player
2000	DT Corey Simon, pick #6	LB Brian Urlacher, pick #9 (CHI)	Ewww.
2001	WR Freddie Mitchell, pick #25	WR Reggie Wayne, pick #30 (IND)	So cold. So very cold.
2002	CB Lito Sheppard, pick #26	RB Clinton Portis, pick #51 (DEN)	Kinda sorta bad
2003	DE Jerome McDougle, pick #15	RB Larry Johnson, pick #27	Icky
2004	OT Shawn Andrews, pick #16	RB Steven Jackson, pick #25 (STL)	Still too early
2005	DT Mike Patterson, pick #31	LB Lofa Tatupu, pick #45 (SEA)	Doesn’t look good so far

Draft factoids post #10

Here's information you really need: A breakdown by last name of every Eagles pick over the last 15 years.


There are alot more B's than I expected. And no E's? That's an upset.

This is building to something, I assure you.

Draft factoids post #9: A very special post

Sometimes, in the quest for numbers and stats and logic, it's the people who get lost in the shuffle. With that in mind, I present to you a little look back at everyone's favorite 11th round draft pick...

What ever happened to Pumpy Tudors?

A quick search through the entrails of the Internet shows that Clinton Tudors (nicknamed "pumpkin" and later "pumpy" by his jerk older brother because of his freakishly large head as a babe) was the greatest punter in the history of University of Tennessee-Chattanooga, and still holds the SEC record for career punting average at 44.4 yards per attempt.

Yet that impressive pedigree wasn't enough for the Eagles to keep Pumpy on their roster coming out of training camp 1992, when they opted to stick with a then-72-year-old punter named Jeff Feagles. Our little pumpkin tried again in 1993 to join the New England Patriots, but his Sequatchie Valley pedigree wasn't enough to impress the big city Foxboro scouts.

Dejected and burned out, he could have dropped out of public sight forever. But thanks to Stephen Hargis of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, we know the story has a happy ending.

He played football at every level from pee-wee to the pros. Despite all his athletic accomplishments, the uniform Pumpy Tudors dreamed of wearing more than any other had nothing to do with the NFL. It's the one he has worn the last 10 years as a Tennessee state trooper.

I know it doesn't make sense, but apparently Pumpy used his college degree after leaving college and became a productive member of society. If you're involved in a fatal accident on the freeways of Tennessee, you too could run into Pumpy (unless your on the losing end of that crash).

So, there's a lesson to be learned in all this: Some state troopers really could drop kick your ass across the country. That, and if you're a punter from a small school, you should really have a backup plan.

Draft factoids post #8

We all know the only way to truly know what's inside a football player is to look past their names and positions and see the hidden messages inside their names ... nay, inside their souls. With that, I bring you a sampling of draft anagrams from the Eagles last 15 years:

Mike Mamula, end (1994 Round 1 pick)
** Dilemma, unmake!

Tackle Terry Strouf (1990 Round 7 pick)
** A rusty freckle tort

William Boatwright (1992 Round 7 pick)
** Who? A gambit, ill writ.

Freddie Barnett, WR (1990 Round 3 pick)
** Dear find, bert-wert
Editors note: Not sure what a bert-wert is, but just roll with it

Safety Damon Moore (1999 Round 4 pick)
** A-fear my doom, tenser foe

Quinton Caver (2001 Round 2 pick)
** Quiet, corn van!

Na Brown (1999 Round 4 pick)
**Brawn? No!

The new saddest franchise in sports

An actual advertisement run in the Washington Post sports section today:


You know it’s been a bad, bad year when the practice facility CONSTRUCTION makes the top five moments of the season.

Draft factoids post #7

Since Da Birds have the #14 pick in the first round of the draft this year, here's a peek at what they've done with round one picks in the teens over the last 1.5 decades:

1993 Round 1, pick #19 -- Lester Holmes, OG
** Calling him an average lineman is a generous statement. Played uninspiring ball for five years.

1994 Round 1, pick #14 -- Bernard Williams, OT
** Even worse than the year before: Williams started fewer than 15 games for the team before being booted from the squad.

1998 Round 1, pick #11 -- Tra Thomas, OT
** Even with the back problems of late, Thomas and his Pro-Bowl resume make him easily the Eagles best line pick over the last 20 years.

2003 Round 1, pick #15 -- Jerome McDougle, DE
** He's been OK, but not worth a pick this high. He made more news for getting shot in the stomach last year than for his play the two years before.

2004 Round 1, pick #16 -- Shawn Andrews, OT
** He'll probably turn out to be a good pickup, but I'll never forget that he broke his leg in his very first game when it collapsed trying to hold up his 400-pound frame.

Uh-oh ... I'm sensing an O-line theme ... More on that in the days to come.

Draft factoids post #6

In case you're just tuning in for the first time, here's what's going on with the daily draft posts.

So today, let's look at how many players the Iggles have drafted over the last 15 years and how many have appeared in at least a few games:


What does this tell us? Well, when you look at the overall arc of the picks numbers over the last decade compared to the seven years between Buddy Ryan and Andy Reid versus the ... I have no clue what this means. But it's gotta mean something, right? I mean look at it! It's a chart! With two lines! And they go up and down!

It must be worth something. Somebody reverse justify this on the comments board for me.

Draft factoids post #5

Have you ever wondered why some newly drafted Eagles seem to be in a different world when they join the team (I’m looking at you Freddie Mitchell). Perhaps it’s because they went to school in a place far, far away, where morals and values and skills are all relative terms (Freddie went to UCLA. Stupid UCLA that didn’t win the stupid tourney and lost me a stupid $200.)

So, in order to better understand how our young eaglets are coping with the cultural change from places that suck to Philly, here’s a look at where we’ve pulled the most players since 1990:

Teams with five Eagles draftees
Alabama: RB Siran Stacy, DB Mark McMillian, LB Derrick Oden, TE Tony Johnson, WR Freddie Milons
California: DB Eric Zomalt, QB Dave Barr, DE Brandon Whiting, OT John Welbourn, C John Romero
Colorado: DT Leonard Renfro, P Mitch Berger, QB Koy Detmer, OG Melvin Thomas, SS Michael Lewis
Florida State: QB Casey Weldon, WR Phillip Riley, DB Byron Capers, OT Tra Thomas, DT Corey Simon
Notre Dame: LB Scott Kowalkowski, RB Tony Brooks, CB Bobby Taylor, CB Allen Rossum, LB Tyreo Harrison

Teams with four Eagles draftees
Auburn
Georgia
UCLA

Teams with three Eagles draftees
Arkansas
Miami
Michigan State
Ohio State
Oklahoma
Oregon
Tennessee
Texas A&M
Wisconsin

Draft factoids post #4

Yesterday we had the best offensive draft picks by the Eagles over the last 15 years, so today we'll look at the good sheet: Defense.

CB -- Bobby Taylor, 1995 Round 2
** Nine years with the Eagles, 119 games played, 19 interceptions and several great moments of shutting down Michael Irvin.

DE -- Ndukwe Kalu, 1997 Round 5
** When he’s healthy, he’s real fast: 18.5 sacks in the four years he’s been healthy.

DT -- Andy Harmon, 1991 Round 6
** In seven years he snagged 39.5 sacks, and delighted us all the year he broke his hand and used his cast as a club to beat QBs. No, I’m not making that up.

LB -- Willie Thomas, 1991 Round 4
** With all due respect to Jeramiah Trotter, Willie T. was nasty from the outside for nine years for the Eagles. His Philly resume: 33 sacks, 18 interceptions, and three TDs.

P -- Mitch Berger, 1994 Round 6
** A pro-bowl punter … for the Vikings. He only kicked in six games for the Eagles. But, he manages to squeak out top billing over the only other punter drafted, Pumpy Tudors.

DB -- Brian Dawkins, 1996 Round 2
** Do we need to cover this? Something you might not know about this future Hall of Famer: He’s the only player ever to have a sack, an interception, a fumble recovery and a TD reception in the same game. Oh yeah. Read that again.

Draft factoids post #3

I know what you’re saying – “Sure, yesterday he told us how many of each position da Birds have drafted over the last 15 years, but who have been the best draft picks at each spot since 1990?”

Why I’m glad you asked. We'll do the offense first:

(Please note: Some of these positions are embarrassingly thin. I don’t even know who Scott Peters is.)

C -- Scott Peters, 2002 Round 4
** Didn’t make one start for the Eagles, but he wins by default among three drafted centers who never played a down.

FB -- Cecil Martin, 1999 Round 6
** He was a reliable blocker for four years. That’s as good as it gets in this category.

K – None. Zero. No one.
** They haven’t drafted one in the last 15 years. Really. Fine, go look it up yourself.

OG -- Jermaine Mayberry, 1996 Round 1
OT -- Tra Thomas, 1998 Round 1
** Nobody wants to hear about O-lineman except their moms, so moving right along …

QB -- Donovan McNabb, 1999 Round 1
** Who’d you expect, Bobby Hoying?

RB -- Duce Staley, 1997 Round 3
** He was the only offense on some bad, bad Birds teams: 4,807 rushing yards, 2,498 receiving yards and 32 TDs in his seven years in town.

TE -- LJ Smith, 2003 Round 2
** Little John is a big player, and after two years he’s already much better than the likes of Jason Dunn and Luther Broughton.

WR -- Fred Barnett, 1990 Round 3
** In his 5 healthy seasons with the Eagles, averaged 58 catches, 890 yards and better than 5 TDs a year. Then we traded him for Troy Vincent.

Draft factoids post #2

In order to predict who the Eagles will draft in two weeks, first we must understand who they've drafted in the past. So, here's a position-by-position breakdown of who they've drafted over the last 15 years, with a little graphical help:

Now I know what you’re thinking – Why did he draw a nickel defense on what's clearly a running down? It’s quite simple: Just because it’s third and short and the Eagles came out in an I formation, that’s no indication they’re actually running on this down. This is the West Coast offense after all. They're passing.

Ah, even in the draft the West Coast offense stinks...

Draft factoids post #1

Only 15 days left until the eve of Draftsgiving Day, the most wonderful holiday in all of late April. As it gets closer we'll talk move about the proper way to celebrate the NFL Draft and what the plans are at the Fort, but to get you in the right frame of mind I've got 15 posts over the next 15 days recapping the last 15 years of Iggles drafts.

So, without further ado....

Top 10 names from Eagles past 15 drafts

10 -- Ephesians Bartley, LB, 1992 Round 9
** As far as I can tell, he’s the only LB ever drafted who was named after a New Testament book. As for the Old Testament, we all remember LB Deuteronomy Jones of the 1938 team…

9 -- Howard Smothers, OT, 1995 Round 7
** A tackle named Smothers? How did this guy fail?

8 -- Scott Kowalkowski, LB, 1991 Round 8
7 -- Doug Brzezinski, OG, 1999 Round 3
** Gotta get a few of the Poles in here. What's worse, a pair of Ws and three Ks or two Zs?

6 -- Ndukwe Kalu, DE, 1997 Round 5
** Better known as N-D, because none of us have bothered to find out how his name is really pronounced.

5 -- Joey Mickey, TE, 1993 Round 7
** Gave up football in 1995 to rejoin the mafia.

4 -- A.J. Feeley, QB, 2001 Round 5
** He's a headcase too, which makes him Touchy Feeley. Ba da bum.

3 -- Siran Stacy, RB, 1992 Round 2
** One of the worst names and worst players ever picked up by the Birds. That’s an enviable record pair.

2 -- Pumpy Tudors, P, 1992 Round 11
** I’m so depressed this guy never played a down for the Eagles. Can’t you hear the “punt it, Pumpy” chant going up among the faithful?

And the number one name in Eagles draft history….
1 -- Brian Dawkins, FS, 1996 Round 2
** Why? Because it’s Brian freakin’ Dawkins. That’s why.

We get lots and lots of letters

This isn't the first piece of fan mail, but so far it's the best:
(Please note -- names have been changed to protect the innocent and horribly guilty)

My Dearest Capt. Awesome:

I have to tell you something funny. Every week my Mom tries to talk football with me and every week I feel like a let down, because frankly I just don't give a damn yet. I mean, hello?! It's not even summer!

Anyway, I gave her your blogspot address because she used to get a kick out of your weekly recaps back during fantasy season ... Anyway, she replied to the spot where G's head is on the hulk because Anthony replied there and she wanted to back him up for some reason even though she had no idea what he was talking about (because really, who ever does?).

Anyway, she calls me last night and the first thing she asks me is "What's a dingus?" - ha!!!! Last thing I expected to hear from her!

Anyway, I didn't really have a good explanation for her, so I just said, "Anthony is a dingus" - was that an acceptable answer?

Love,
The Lovely Mrs. Anthony

Well, dear, I looked it up on Google and here's what I found:

So, I guess that's a good answer.

Phillies Phever (and Phlu)

With 4 percent (seven games) of the major league season complete, let's see how the Phillies are doing so far compared to new White Sox DH Jim Thome all on his own:

Categories	Jim Thome	Phils starting 8
Batting Avg	.318	.292
Home Runs	4	5
RBI	7	21
Strikeouts	2	26
Team Wins	3	1
Approx. Fans	200,000	8 (their moms)

The worst part? We all know that the Phillies made the right move trading him, because they needed to go with rookie of the year Ryan Howard. And it still makes the team look dumb right now. Of course, they wouldn't look quite as bad if they could win more than one lousy game...

For the record, the Phils were the last team in baseball to get a win. Both Philly and Pittsburgh, the last two winless wonders, grabbed that elusive first victory on Sunday, but the Pirates' game ended exactly at 4:00 pm. The fightless Phils' game ended at 4:06 p.m.

Phillies Phever: If you catch it, please consult a doctor immediately. It could be the ebola virus.

Lets play a little game....

... called pick which one is the dumbest, inspired by a recent trip to the bookstore:

Chapter one: Italy is the one that looks like a boot. You'll need a plane to get there. It'll cost more than re-reading that novel, you know.





or...




How can you identify great literature at a glance? Usually, it's based completely on events that happened within the last few weeks.


or...







A box of hammers. As in, that's as dumb as...




or...











Michael Irvin.







OK, that's too easy. Which one is the second dumbest?

For the record

I'll start posting about the Phillies as soon as they start playing.

And I don't consider starting 0-4 "playing."

Christmas is ruined for everyone

But thank gawd that the Iggles-Dallas Christmas night match-up is in Dallas, not in Philly. Can you imagine booing TO and Santa Claus on the same day? There’d be a rip in the fabric of the universe.

So, now that the Eagles schedule is out, here’s how it will play out so you don’t have to wait for it:

Sep 10 @Houston 1:00pm
-- Andy Reid stinks in openers (2-5 so far) but you’ve gotta think they have this one covered. WIN

Sep 17 N.Y. Giants 1:00pm
-- No way they start 3-0, so with SF coming up the Iggles lose this. LOSS

Sep 24 @San Francisco 4:15pm
-- Quick, name a QB, an RB or a WR on this team. Their coach can’t either. WIN

Oct 2 Green Bay 8:30pm
-- For the 4th straight year, the Pack comes to Philly. For the fifth straight time, they go home crying. WIN

Oct 8 Dallas 4:15pm
-- The tickets will go for $400 a pop for this game, but the birds will only go for 10 points. LOSS

Oct 15 @New Orleans 1:00pm
-- If I called these games right so far, the Iggles will be undefeated on the road through mid-October. WIN

Oct 22 @Tampa Bay 1:00pm
-- And suddenly, that streak will stop. LOSS

Oct 29 Jacksonville 1:00pm
-- Both Byron Leftwich and Fred Taylor blow out their hammies on the same play in the third. WIN

Week 9 BYE
-- All those years we did great, we earned a third week bye. Last year, we stunk, so we get the nicest bye available.

Nov 12 Washington 1:00pm
-- Reid is usually money after the bye, and I may be the Racial Slurs’ starting QB. WIN

Nov 19 Tennessee 1:00pm
-- Prediction: Matt Leinart starts his first game this week, throws 2 TDs, three picks, and loses. WIN

Nov 26 @Indianapolis 1:00pm
-- No shot. Their backup RB ran for over 100 the last time we played. And they were so-so that year. LOSS

Dec 4 Carolina 8:30pm
-- If it was any day but my birthday, I’d pick a win here. But since I’m paranoid... LOSS

Dec 10 @Washington 1:00pm
-- Coming off the short week, the Eagles run defense gives up 134 yards to Clinton Portis. LOSS

Dec 17 @N.Y. Giants 1:00pm
-- Coming off a long week, the Eagles run defense gives up 177 yards to Tiki Barber. LOSS

Dec 25 @Dallas 5:00pm
-- You know, stranger things have happened…. WIN! NO, LOSS! NO, WIN!! WIIIIN!!!!

Dec 31 Atlanta 1:00pm
-- With a chance at the postseason on the line, the Eagles squeeze out a tight victory. WIN

So that’s how I see it: 9-7, probably just out of the playoffs, with a lot of conference losses. But I predict 11-5 in 2007. It’s still a little too early for me to predict 2008.

Today on mitchellandness.com

Yeah, you might want to keep marking that one down -- anything "inspired" by the 2005 Iggles should cost less than $10.

Stupid Florida

And stupid UCLA for waiting until the stupid end of the stupid tournament to stupid lose and making me think I might win some stupid money and taking so stupid long to end the stupid game last night that I had to wake up to the stupid news this stupid morning.

And the Phillies lost too. There's a shocker....

Breaking news: Nobody likes baseball

Tonight was opening night for the MLB season, and they kicked it off with a bang: One game that's in the process of getting rained out.

Can you feel the excitement?

For crying out loud, you've got 30 teams, you've got 162 games for each, and you're telling me you couldn't start the season with a full slate of games on a Sunday night, when people can actually watch a few innings? Most of the games will start tomorrow afternoon, when the few people who still care about your juiced-up version of golf are slaving away at their office.

Or, if you will, the next generation of potential fans is at school, wondering what basketball game will be on tonight when they get home.

Even ESPN gave up on the start of the season: They had the White Sox and Indians opener on ESPN2, and had women's college basketball on ESPN. That's right, women's college basketball, the ratings juggernaut of the sporting world.

Only 158 days until the football season kicks off. I'm just saying....

Ow! My groin!

I told you it was coming. After absorbing the rage in my post yesterday, they decided to release the full Eagles schedule.... for the preseason. And they added an extra game for da birds to play, increasing the likelihood of a season-ending McNabb injury by 25 percent. And then they stopped by Fort Awesome and kicked me where it counts, just to show me who's in charge.

Lousy pigskin pigs.

And on top of that, since the start of the Super Bowl era no team has played in the Hall of Fame game and won the Super Bowl in the same season.

The 2001 Rams, 1994 Chargers and 1988 Bengals are the only teams to play in both in a season, but all three blew it in the big game.

So the best you can hope for this Eagles season is another Super Bowl loss. Remember, it's never too early to panic.

Here's the full preseason sked for Philly, in case you really care:

Philadelphia vs Oakland at Canton, Aug. 6
Cleveland at Philadelphia, sometime between Aug. 10-14
Philadelphia at Baltimore, sometime between Aug. 17-21
Pittsburgh at Philadelphia, Aug. 25
Philadelphia at NY Jets, sometime between Aug. 31 and Sept. 2

166 days until the Cowpokes lose again

In case you missed it, NFL bigwigs on Monday announced a few of its opening slate of games for the 2006 season. Here's why they suck:

They're opening on Thursday again
You know what Thursdays are for? Showing Boise State football. That's the college team with the blue football field who plays somewhere west of Chicago. You know what Sundays are for? Real football. If it ain't Thanksgiving, the NFL shouldn't be hanging around late in the week.

The Sunday night game is a public health risk
Giants vs. Colts? Manning vs. Manning? Sounds like a hell of a lot of choking to me. Pratice your Heimlich maneuver now.

Dallas is the featured 4:15 game
If I had my way, the Cowboys would play tomorrow so I could watch them lose. Of course, if I had my way the Eagles would have started free agency with all the other teams, instead of waiting two extra weeks. But in my world the Cowboys would not only lose, but also lose in anonimity. The Seahawks win the NFC, the Panthers get to the conference championship, and the NFL decides they want to highlight Drew Bledsoe to start the season. Good call.

There's a 10:15 Monday night game
It's Chargers vs. Raiders, also known as Aaron Brooks vs. Phillip Rivers, so nobody cares. But it'd be nice to have the option anyway. What's the next step? Start Sunday games 60 hours early, on Thursday nights? Oh, wait...

I don't know when the Iggles are playing
Thanks for unvieling only five games, guys. The rest of the schedule comes out in April. Next year, the NFL is only going to announce one of the teams playing in the opening game, and they're going to come to your house and kick you in the groin. That'll show you who's boss.

UCLA is still alive

... which means I'm still alive. In fact, my office pool is down to two people. If UCLA wins it all, I get the cash. If any of the other three teams win, I get bubkiss. (Is that the right spelling? Anyone?)

Which sets me up perfectly. If George Mason and UCLA both win on Saturday, everyone in America will be rooting for the greatest underdog ever and I'll be pulling for the team that needs another championship like I need a hole in my head.

I mean, one besides my word hole.

Do you know your Patriots?

Sure, everyone is excited that the 11th-seeded George Mason made it to the Final Four, but how much do you really know about the little green and white school that could? Take this simple quiz to find out:

1) Tony Skinn: Starting guard or porn star?
2) Ken Burns: Reserve guard or documentary producer?
3) Makan Konate: Backup center or spice in my dinner tonight?
4) True or False: Lamar Butler, the starting guard known for his bruising defensive style, can rearrange the letters in his name to spell "True ball ram."
5) True or False: The height of the five starters for the team is an ominous 66 feet, 6 inches.
6) True or False: Junior guard Charles Makings is majoring in decision sciences.
7) True or False: UConn sucks.

Answer Key:
1) Skinn is their starting guard (though, if the NCAA let him, he could have an after-hours job...)
2) Ken Burns is responsible for that 18 hour documentary on baseball. Tim Burns plays guard for GMU.
3) Konate does play center, and will not be joining me for dinner.
4) False. The letters do spell that, but Butler is a college athlete, so simple word games are beyond him.
5) False. I don't know who their starting five is, so I can't add that up.
6) True. You can't make that up.
7) False. UConn both sucks and blows, just like MegaMaid.

If you answered all seven correctly, you're qualified to jump on the bandwagon and pull for GMU the rest of the way. Of course, if you're a Cowboys or Yankees fan, you're already pre-qualified to jump on any sports bandwagon that rolls by your apartment, you stinkin' front-runner.

College hoops should have bowl games

For the record, I'm still alive in both of my NCAA pools. If UCLA wins it all, I'll be hated by my office but the tab for Draftsgiving Day will be taken care of.

But, did you notice:

-- During the Bradley-Pittsburgh game, the ticker read Brad-Pitt? I didn't, but my dear wife, Col. Quickness McNugget, did.

-- For those of you scoring at home, the various Wildcats in the tourney (six teams, including Nova) are 4-3 so far. The five teams with Eagles as their mascot are only 2-3. The Huskies are 4-0 so far (UConn and Washington are both undefeated) but they'll meet this weekend, so that streak will end soon, thank gawd.

-- Speaking of Villanova, the team hasn't played their best so far. But they haven't trailed for one second of the tournament yet. They've been tied for about two minutes of the 80 minutes they've played, but they haven't been behind once.

-- I can't wait until Rudy Gay makes it to the NBA. I'm totally sure all of the classy pro fans will be mature about his name.

Go Bruins. Beat Gonzaga, wherever the hell that is.

My writing qualifications

In case you're wondering what right I have claiming that I can write at least one funny thing each week, I point you to my freshman year high school California Achievement Test results, which I found while cleaning out some old records recently.


Remember, that's high school. I'm glad it only took my 14 years to master capitalizing proper nouns.

Although i have been feeling dumber lately....

Feeling a little better

Ok, this at least made me smile a little bit. Let me know if you think more should be added.

Who's TO angry at now?

Also, not my creation, but for you 24 fans:

Who's dead to Kim Bauer?

Words fail me

I can't describe how much I hate the Cowboys right now.

I really can't. I'll post more on this later.

QB Damon Huard is no longer available

Since it's not quite early enough for me to be angry with the NCAA tourney (Stupid Pacific! If you're taking it to double OT, win the stinkin' game) Here are a few free agency leftovers:

-- Two years ago, the Dolphins traded a second round pick for QB A.J. Feeley. This week, the Dolphins traded a second-round pick for QB Daunte Culpepper. Looks like somebody down in Miami finally woke up.

-- The Lions, who have used their last three first round draft picks on wide receivers, really did go out this week and sign Texans WR Corey Bradford this week. And yet they still have no on to throw to them (your choices are John Kitna, Joey Harrington, Shaun King, or Dan Orlovsky).

-- For the record, the Maryland Racial Slurs and coach Joe Gibbs have 12 WRs on the roster, 13 if you're still one of those people who thinks James Thrash qualifies as a receiver.

-- I can buy into Jabar Gaffney being a good pickup for the Iggles, but someone has to stop them from talking about TE Matt Schobel as a new boost for the team's offense. Over the last three years he has 63 catches for 726 yards. Last year alone TE LJ Smith had 61 catches for 682 yards. I'm gonna boo every time Schobel takes the field.

-- And finally, since it's inevitable now, I want you to be prepared for what TO's next jersey will most likely look like. Here are the three frontrunners:

Smarch Madness

If any of you kids want in the no-cost, bet-I'm-better-than-you NCAA pool I set up online, here's the info:

http://fantasysports.yahoo.com/
Once you sign up, click on the "home" link and then the "join a group" link.
Pool ID: 81605
Pool Name: Fans of Ursinus College
Pool Password: trotter

As always, you need the free yahoo login, and setup takes a minute or two. Get your picks in by Thursday morning.

Also, if anyone wants to do a fantasy baseball league, let me know. I'll end up setting one up anyway, so you might as well play.

A social quandary

Here at Fort Awesome we're already looking ahead to Draftsgiving Day (more on that later, for those of you who don't celebrate it yet), which would be the 13th party we've had since military operations began here. But this weekend threw an interesting accounting question into that.

A party, as defined by the ancient Sumerians, is any occasion where at least five people are gathered on base and at least one beer is consumed. That's the rule that we've been following for tabulating our partying. Major parties are counted where both Anthony and I pass out before midnight.

This weekend, we had a short visit from Thal and ShannonThal on Friday, and Thal and I had a few drinks to unwind. This, on it's own, would never be considered a party. But as many of you know, the Thal family is expecting a new addition, and fetus Thal was in attendance.

Forget the legal and ethical questions at play here -- Does baby-to-be count in the party calculations? I've checked all the ancient texts I can find (and the 2003 ESPN almanac) and found now answers that can suggest its rightness or wrongosity.

So I need everyone to weigh in on this: Did we already have our 13th party, or did our impromptu get-together not count in the standings? There's a comment section below. To help you make your decision, I've included an artist's rendering of what fetus Thal might look like in a few months. The best argument wins bragging rights and a party at the fort in your honor (number of the party has yet to be determined.)

Football Armageddon

Free agency started last night, and the Eagles need to move quick if they want to establish their place in NFL history.

No, I'm not talking about Super Bowl XLI -- that's already a lost cause. I'm talking about the opportunity to be the first team ever to have two brothers as QBs on their active roster.

Last night, in a moment of weakness, the Hotlanta Falcons allowed third-string QB Ty Detmer to become an unrestricted free agent, giving the Philly birds a chance to take their rightful throne in the annals of NFL trivia. True, the Iggles did already have both boys on the roster at the same time, but Koy was on the practice squad when Ty was there, a sheer mockery of the power of a Detmer reserve QB tandem.

You know Seattle's Matt Hassleback has been lobbying up there to pick up former Philly backup Tim Hassleback so they can get the coveted honor first. Andy Reid would be wise to act quickly.

Think of it: The Eagles line up for the opening kickoff in the first game against the Cowpokes this fall. Bill Parcells scans his gameplan, then looks across the field. He sees two Detmers dressed in hunter green staring at a clipboard, talking to the assistant wide receivers coach. He blinks. He sees it again. He scans his sheets, looking for some logic as to why a team would carry both of them. He finds no answers. He asks his assistants to get an explanation. The Eagles kick off. Parcells is convinced the NFL must have rules against having both Detmers on the field at once. The Cowpokes line up for the first play. Parcells calls time out. He starts screaming to watch out for the Detmers. Jerry Jones forfeits the game.

As if you needed more convincing, just look at the skill the duo would bring.

The boys	Ty	Koy
Years in NFL	14	9
Teams played for	6	1
Games started	25	8
Career QB rating	74.7	61.2
Passing TDs	34	10
INTs	35	14
Rushing TDs	3	1
Rushing yards	177	30

Ty finished third in the Heisman trophy voting in 1991. He also threw seven interceptions as the Lions QB in a game against the Browns in 2001.	Koy threw three TDs in a 1999 game against the Patriots, but left early due to injury. He also threw two TDs and rushed for another in a 2002 game against the 49ers, but left early due to injury.
Ty's family includes wife Kim, children Kaili, Aubri, Mayci and Rylli. They plan to have another child once the family can afford more i's.	Koy's family includes wife Katie, children Koy, Katie and Koal. They plan to have another child once the family can afford more k's.

Really, could Ty be any worse than Mike McMahon?

Salary caps are so happy

Let's briefly review the landscape of American sports since 1990:

-- Greedy owners and players in baseball cancel the final two months of games and the postseason in 1994 because of labor strife, nearly carry that work stoppage over into the 1995 season, then spend the next 11 years juicing up players and ignoring scandal to try and win fans back.

-- Greedy owners and players in basketball cancel half the games in the 1998 season because of labor strife, come back with a soft salary cap that presents no competitive balance in the league, and spend the next eight years letting the three teams win every championship to try and win fans back.

-- Greedy owners and players in hockey cancel half of the 1994 season because of labor strife, cancel all of the 2004 season because of labor strife, and when they finally return have to drop ticket prices and revamp every rule in the book to try and win fans back.

-- Greedy owners and players in football spend part of the 2006 offseason arguing about how they should divide their profits, and delay the start of free agency in 2006 by a few days until they sort it out. The league remains strong, and no fans were lost.

Oh, NFL, where would we be without you?

For your safety

For those of you keeping score at home, here’s where our homeland security sits:

Places I can take my pocketknife (security saw it and said “who cares?”)
-- The White House, D.C.
-- The Pentagon, Va.
-- The United Nations headquarters, N.Y.
-- The Supreme Court, D.C. (New addition this week!)


Places I can’t (security deemed it a threat and refused entry)
-- Montgomery County Courthouse, Pa.
-- Columbus City Courthouse, Ohio
-- Baltimore/Washington International Airport, Md.
-- U.S. District Court Columbus, Ohio

Remember, even if it's safe enough for the military, that doesn't mean that it's safe enough for Montgomery County's passport office.

Duke loses three times in one night!

I don’t know if you caught it on Saturday, but ESPN decided that the Duke-UNC game was such an epic contest they needed to show it on three networks. ESPN1 had the game as you would expect; ESPN2 had the exact same audio feed but with camera angles from above the backboard; ESPNU had the exact same audio feed but had cameras focused on the fans.

And, just for good measure, ESPNnews was giving updates, if you couldn’t follow what the other channels were telling you.

At halftime, everyone in America appeared on a halftime show to comment on how awesome the blue-on-blue violence was. Over on ESPNDesportes, I saw myself breaking down J.J. Redick’s shot selection. I didn’t know what I was talking about, but I just yelled “GAOOOOOOL!!!” after every basket. The station’s seven viewers ate it up.

I don’t want to tell ESPN how to run their business (execute Joe Theismann now, before he makes our nation’s youth any dumber) but I’ve got to think that just about anything else they put on ESPN2 would get better ratings. How many folks were flipping channels and said, “I’m not interested in that game, but if I could watch it from directly above …”?

By the way, guys, the number four team in the country, Memphis, was playing at the same time. Maybe some of us have doctor’s orders not to listen to Dick Vitale for long periods. Help me out a little here.

Technical difficulties

If you check out the comments for last Tuesday's post, you'll find a completely nonsensical response by me to kidsmartypants, our resident paintball target. I meant to reply to his Draftsgiving day comment to the Super Bowl odds and ends, but I'm experiencing some technical (OK, mental) difficulties. But it reads alot funnier with the accidental post, so I'm keeping it that way. Because isn't that why we're here?