---- Top performers
QB: Tom Brady, 36.98 points -- started by Jeff
RB: Larry Johnson, 43.23 points -- started by Joanna
WR: Reggie Wayne, 39.20 points -- started by Paul
TE: Marques Colston, 28.87 points -- started by Joanna
K: Adam Vinatieri, 16.00 points -- sitting on Neal's bench
DEF: Oakland, 31.00 points -- started by Joel
Oakland? Oakland!!! You've got to be kidding me. No wonder my team stinks -- logic no longer has any place in the NFL.
---- Worst performers, players we started edition
Third place: David Carr, -0.88 points -- started by me
Second place (tie): Arizona, -1.00 points -- started by Paul
Second place (tie): Denver, -1.00 points -- started by Eric
First place: Carolina, -2.00 points -- started by Jo
This is the second week in a row Joanna had the best total in the league and the worst individual player too. Go figure.
---- Andy Reid blown call of the week award
Joel earned the award this week, thanks to his shrewd use of the waiver wire.
Last Sunday he decided to drop Joe Horn and Issac Bruce to pick up Chris Baker and Brandon Jacobs. And while I'm the first person who'll ridicule you if you forget to start a tight end, you really shouldn't give up two pro bowlers to get some average players back.
Horn and Bruce were worth a combined 31.40 points for Eric this week (he scooped up both of them over my waiver wire requests -- damn!) while Joel's three wide receivers and Baker combined for just over 35 points. Look for this one to haunt Joel's dreams for the rest of the year.
Jim gets honorable mention for starting a tight end on a bye.
---- "Worst passing performances in a win" stat of the week
*** QB Andrew Walter was 5 of 14 for 51 yards with one interception and no touchdowns in the Raiders 20-13 win over Pittsburgh on Sunday. His QB rating for the day was 17.3. (And remember, if you go outside and throw a football into the ground, your QB rating is 38.6).
*** QB David Garrard was 10 of 17 for 87 yards with no touchdowns in the Jags 13-6 win over the Eagles on Sunday.
*** QB Jake Plummer was 13 of 24 for 106 yards with one touchdown, one interception and one fumble in the Broncos 13-3 win against the Ravens in week five.
*** QB Mike Vick was 10 of 15 for 92 yards with one touchdown and one interception in the Falcons 14-3 win over Tampa Bay in week 2.
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
I've been trying for the last two days to find the name of the guy who said this, but I think all records of him ever being alive have been destroyed in light of his stupidity.
During halftime of the Oregon State-USC game on Saturday, one of the FSN "experts" asked an analyst if the Beavers, up 16-10 at the time, could finish off the upset in the second half.
His response?
"I think they could potentially win this game, but remember: Potentially is a French word meaning what have you done for me lately."
The other two guys in the studio just stopped talking to him after that.
---- Midseason awards I'd like to see
*** The "bad half of the gene pool" award: This one goes to the Giants, who have both the lesser Manning (Eli has fewer passing TDs than Peyton) and apparently the lesser Barber (Ronde has two TDs, Tiki has zero).
*** The "leaving it all on the field" award: This one goes to Donovan McNabb, more for his penchant for puking than his hard work. And he has more passing attempts than anyone else in the league, so he has left more balls out on the turf than anyone else too.
*** The “living on the edge” award: Seven weeks into the season, the Colts haven’t attempted one fourth-down conversion.
*** The death penalty: This isn't a new award, but I'd like to see Daunte Culpepper get the death penalty after what he did to two of my fantasy teams.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Sure, QB Tony Romo had a good game Sunday night, but will he really last as their starter? Let's see what "Dallas Cowboys rookie third-stringer Matt Baker" can reveal to us:
*** Horrid team trots backwards. I’ll be in? Rats. Ye go, OK? ***
That sounds like a dare to me -- Baker is reluctantly challenging Romo for the starting job, so go tell your friends. Let them know you heard it from a reputable news source.
---- Our standings so far
First place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 1087.44 points
Second place: HoF Bus Drivers, Jo -- 1085.20 points
Third place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 1063.14 points
Ant barley held onto first as Joanna posted her second 178-point week in a row. And don't look now, but our reigning champ (Jeff, in case you forgot) is just a few points out of the top three.
---- For the record
*** Holy crap, Temple won. At their current pace, their next win is scheduled for 2009.
*** The professional column is up again, but they ripped the heart and soul out of it:
Here’s what the lead was supposed to say:
If the NFL was run by the NCAA, this week’s slate of games would have been dubbed “Separation Sunday.” Of course, if the NFL was run by the NCAA, sportswriters would be inexplicably voting the Bears as the number two team in the league … behind USC.
It’s funny how one line change can destroy 1,000 words of text. They took some other funny stuff out and killed some others, so now it’s just a crappy, run-of-the-mill column. We’ll have a nice long talk with the sports guys tomorrow.
In the meantime, my ensuing rage is the reason this recap was sub-par. Next week I’ll save my good stuff for here, rather than waste it like this time.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Fantasy football recap, week 7
---- Top performers
QB: Peyton Manning, 37.58 points -- started by Mike
RB: Brian Westbrook, 30.63 points -- started by Neal
WR: Hines Ward, 37.40 points -- started by Jo
TE: Alge Crumpler, 31.80 points -- started by Jeff
K: Matt Bryant, 14.00 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
DEF: Giants, 27.00 points -- started by Anthony
Dear gawd, those are some high individual performances. And that doesn't even include Mike Freakin' Vick (34.35 points) or Donovan "Pukey" McNabb (31.68 points) or Larry "No nickname given" Johnson (29.13 points).
---- Worst performers, everybody included edition
Third place (tie): Najeh Davenport, -0.10 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
Third place (tie): Marcel Shipp, -0.10 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
Second place: Seneca Wallace, -0.54 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
First place: Pittsburgh, -1.00 points -- started by Joanna
Hmmm... Jo had the worst player and the best score. That’s not fair.
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
OK, fine -- I get the award this week. I left 22 points on my bench, the worst in the league for the third week in a row, and even managed to leave another 17 points on Joanna's bench when I set her roster at the last minute on Sunday.
So, since there's no one else who performed as poorly, I've got no choice but to give myself ... wait a second ... is that Ronde Barber running back another McNabb interception for a touchdown?
Nevermind. McNabb earned the blown call honors. The Don bails me out with his worst day of the season (which is still better than most of Eli's starts so far ... I'm just saying ...)
Honorable mention goes to Jeff, yet again, who left 18 points on his bench and refused to pick up a WR to fill his empty roster spot this week.
---- Who is throwing for touchdowns this week?
*** Vikings RB MeWelde Moore had as many TD passes in Sunday’s game against the Seahawks as Seattle QBs Matt Hasselback and Seneca Wallace combined (one).
*** Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson had as many touchdown passes on Sunday against the Chiefs (one) as division rival QB Jake Plummer had in the Broncos game against the Browns.
*** Hotlanta QB Mike Vick threw four TD passes against the Steelers on Sunday. In his previous 10 games, he threw six.
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
I thought Brian Baldinger had this wrapped up early in the weekend when I heard him call a bruising Cadillac Williams sprint through five defenders "The picture definition of a downhill run."
No, Brian, the picture definition of a downhill run would be someone running down a hill. That was the figurative definition at best.
But on Tuesday morning I heard Stuart Scott say that Dallas QBs Drew Bledsoe and Tony Romo are prone to throwing bad interceptions (you think?!?!) but that Romo was a better QB because he has more mobility and "can run down guys after he turns the ball over."
I can only assume he was joking, but he didn't have that haughty Stuart Scott voice turned on, so I really don't know. Either way it's slowly breaking down brain cells in my head today.
---- Most painful thing I read this week
From the Philly Daily News' Les Bowen:
"Eagles statisticians could not immediately say where Ronde Barber now ranks among McNabb's all-time favorite receivers, but we know he's caught more McNabb passes for touchdowns than Billy McMullen ever did."
I know you've gotta rip McNabb, but do we have to talk about Billy McMullen? Am I gonna get a Mike Mamula and Na Brown lecture next?
---- College football update
*** At 10 pm Sunday I was watching two sporting events: the Tigers/Cardinals World Series game (in the 6th inning) and the Cincinnati/South Florida football game (in the third quarter). At the time, the score to both was 2-0. That ain't right.
*** The Division III Springfield Pride beat St. John Fisher College 55-38 behind QB Chris Sharpe's 280 rushing yards and seven -- count 'em, SEVEN -- rushing touchdowns on Saturday. Springfield had 493 rushing yards total in the game.
What makes this hilarious is Sharpe's passing stats: two attempts, one completion, 41 yards. How did the second one fall incomplete? Was Fisher College actually defending the pass at some point? And who was back far enough in the secondary to make the tackle on the pass completion?
*** Temple broke that elusive 20-point mark in their 43-21 loss on Saturday. It's the most points they've scored during their nation-leading 20-game losing streak. So far this year they've been outscored 351 to 71, and over their losing streak they're surrendering more than 44 points a game.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Monday night the Cowboys had a chance to take over first in the NFC East with a win, but "Dallas Cowboys backup right tackle Jason Fabini" knew that wasn't going to happen:
*** First? A bucolic wish, joke. Pagan cabal knots badly. ***
If you saw the Dallas secondary trying to defend WR Plexiglass Burgess during the game, you'd agree that pagan cabal does knot badly when the game is on the line.
Yeah, I had to look up "bucolic" too. It sorta fits.
---- Our standings so far
First place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 970.10 points
Second place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 906.94 points
Third place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 906.35 points
What the heck happened? All three of these folks posted 170-plus point weeks to jump ahead in the standings, and Heidi -- yes, that Heidi -- scored the lowest this week and dropped all the way to sixth.
Anthony has taken over first by a wide margin, but there is no pride in it because he's using the Giants and Cowboys defenses to get ahead. Traitor. At least my floundering in ninth place is noble.
---- For the record
*** Professional column number three is up here.
*** Just in case you haven’t heard me say it yet: The Eagles are 0-3 over the last four years in games played in South Florida. And in all three games, Donovan has puked on the field.
As I keep saying, Philly’s entire conditioning staff should be shot, then burned at the stake, then have their ashes fired by cannon into New Jersey.
*** Best moment of a bad, bad football weekend: On Monday night, as Cowboys QB Tony Romo comes into the game in the second half, Tony Kornheiser says, "The backup is only a popular guy until he throws his first interception." Jo immediately counters with, "It would be awesome if he threw a pick right here."
First play, Romo scrambles out to his right, throws a pass that deflects off a lineman and into the arms of a linebacker.
Comedy, thy name is the Dallas QB controversy.
QB: Peyton Manning, 37.58 points -- started by Mike
RB: Brian Westbrook, 30.63 points -- started by Neal
WR: Hines Ward, 37.40 points -- started by Jo
TE: Alge Crumpler, 31.80 points -- started by Jeff
K: Matt Bryant, 14.00 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
DEF: Giants, 27.00 points -- started by Anthony
Dear gawd, those are some high individual performances. And that doesn't even include Mike Freakin' Vick (34.35 points) or Donovan "Pukey" McNabb (31.68 points) or Larry "No nickname given" Johnson (29.13 points).
---- Worst performers, everybody included edition
Third place (tie): Najeh Davenport, -0.10 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
Third place (tie): Marcel Shipp, -0.10 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
Second place: Seneca Wallace, -0.54 points -- sittin' on the waiver wire
First place: Pittsburgh, -1.00 points -- started by Joanna
Hmmm... Jo had the worst player and the best score. That’s not fair.
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
OK, fine -- I get the award this week. I left 22 points on my bench, the worst in the league for the third week in a row, and even managed to leave another 17 points on Joanna's bench when I set her roster at the last minute on Sunday.
So, since there's no one else who performed as poorly, I've got no choice but to give myself ... wait a second ... is that Ronde Barber running back another McNabb interception for a touchdown?
Nevermind. McNabb earned the blown call honors. The Don bails me out with his worst day of the season (which is still better than most of Eli's starts so far ... I'm just saying ...)
Honorable mention goes to Jeff, yet again, who left 18 points on his bench and refused to pick up a WR to fill his empty roster spot this week.
---- Who is throwing for touchdowns this week?
*** Vikings RB MeWelde Moore had as many TD passes in Sunday’s game against the Seahawks as Seattle QBs Matt Hasselback and Seneca Wallace combined (one).
*** Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson had as many touchdown passes on Sunday against the Chiefs (one) as division rival QB Jake Plummer had in the Broncos game against the Browns.
*** Hotlanta QB Mike Vick threw four TD passes against the Steelers on Sunday. In his previous 10 games, he threw six.
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
I thought Brian Baldinger had this wrapped up early in the weekend when I heard him call a bruising Cadillac Williams sprint through five defenders "The picture definition of a downhill run."
No, Brian, the picture definition of a downhill run would be someone running down a hill. That was the figurative definition at best.
But on Tuesday morning I heard Stuart Scott say that Dallas QBs Drew Bledsoe and Tony Romo are prone to throwing bad interceptions (you think?!?!) but that Romo was a better QB because he has more mobility and "can run down guys after he turns the ball over."
I can only assume he was joking, but he didn't have that haughty Stuart Scott voice turned on, so I really don't know. Either way it's slowly breaking down brain cells in my head today.
---- Most painful thing I read this week
From the Philly Daily News' Les Bowen:
"Eagles statisticians could not immediately say where Ronde Barber now ranks among McNabb's all-time favorite receivers, but we know he's caught more McNabb passes for touchdowns than Billy McMullen ever did."
I know you've gotta rip McNabb, but do we have to talk about Billy McMullen? Am I gonna get a Mike Mamula and Na Brown lecture next?
---- College football update
*** At 10 pm Sunday I was watching two sporting events: the Tigers/Cardinals World Series game (in the 6th inning) and the Cincinnati/South Florida football game (in the third quarter). At the time, the score to both was 2-0. That ain't right.
*** The Division III Springfield Pride beat St. John Fisher College 55-38 behind QB Chris Sharpe's 280 rushing yards and seven -- count 'em, SEVEN -- rushing touchdowns on Saturday. Springfield had 493 rushing yards total in the game.
What makes this hilarious is Sharpe's passing stats: two attempts, one completion, 41 yards. How did the second one fall incomplete? Was Fisher College actually defending the pass at some point? And who was back far enough in the secondary to make the tackle on the pass completion?
*** Temple broke that elusive 20-point mark in their 43-21 loss on Saturday. It's the most points they've scored during their nation-leading 20-game losing streak. So far this year they've been outscored 351 to 71, and over their losing streak they're surrendering more than 44 points a game.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Monday night the Cowboys had a chance to take over first in the NFC East with a win, but "Dallas Cowboys backup right tackle Jason Fabini" knew that wasn't going to happen:
*** First? A bucolic wish, joke. Pagan cabal knots badly. ***
If you saw the Dallas secondary trying to defend WR Plexiglass Burgess during the game, you'd agree that pagan cabal does knot badly when the game is on the line.
Yeah, I had to look up "bucolic" too. It sorta fits.
---- Our standings so far
First place: JapanUSRelations, Ant -- 970.10 points
Second place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 906.94 points
Third place: HoF Bus Drivers, Joanna -- 906.35 points
What the heck happened? All three of these folks posted 170-plus point weeks to jump ahead in the standings, and Heidi -- yes, that Heidi -- scored the lowest this week and dropped all the way to sixth.
Anthony has taken over first by a wide margin, but there is no pride in it because he's using the Giants and Cowboys defenses to get ahead. Traitor. At least my floundering in ninth place is noble.
---- For the record
*** Professional column number three is up here.
*** Just in case you haven’t heard me say it yet: The Eagles are 0-3 over the last four years in games played in South Florida. And in all three games, Donovan has puked on the field.
As I keep saying, Philly’s entire conditioning staff should be shot, then burned at the stake, then have their ashes fired by cannon into New Jersey.
*** Best moment of a bad, bad football weekend: On Monday night, as Cowboys QB Tony Romo comes into the game in the second half, Tony Kornheiser says, "The backup is only a popular guy until he throws his first interception." Jo immediately counters with, "It would be awesome if he threw a pick right here."
First play, Romo scrambles out to his right, throws a pass that deflects off a lineman and into the arms of a linebacker.
Comedy, thy name is the Dallas QB controversy.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Fantasy football recap, week 6
---- Top performers
QB: Matt Hasselback, 30.92 points -- started by Joel
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 42.37 points -- started by Ant
WR: Torry Holt, 36.27 points -- started by Paulie
TE: Jeremey Shockey, 21.67 points -- sitting on my bench
K: John Brown, 16.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Chicago, 24.00 points -- started by Mike
Four touchdowns out of Tomlinson? So that's why Anthony is suddenly near the top of the league.
---- Worst performers, the year so far edition
Third place: Brian Greise, -0.94 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Second place: Kellen Clemens, -1.80 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
First place: Brodie Croyle, -3.38 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Croyle saw his only action of the season on Sunday, passing for 23 yards with two interceptions and rushing for minus-3 yards in the Chiefs' loss to the Steelers. That's a mighty fine day right there, but not the worst of the weekend ...
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
I left the most points on my bench and scored the lowest in the league this week, but we've already established that I'm not going to give it to myself, so ...
Instead let’s give an anti-award to Eric, who I almost taunted before Sunday’s games for deciding to start RB Mike Vick as his quarterback over QB Rex Grossman, who has been tearing up teams this season. On the year, Vick had only scored four TDs to Grossman’s 10, and was worth nearly 40 fewer points in our league.
What I’m saying is this move made no sense.
In retrospect, however, that was a pretty nice call. Vick was worth a serviceable 14.96 points. Grossman had SIX FREAKING TURNOVERS and was worth -6.78 points against the Cardinals, or whichever team suited up for the first half of that game. That's the worst I can ever remember any player scoring in this league.
Eric probably just forgot to set his roster this weekend, but I’ll give him credit anyway. The anti-award is redeemable for one-free pass next time he starts somebody on a bye week.
---- Fun facts I'm noting just to piss off Giants fans
*** Donovan McNabb threw his second interception of the year on the last play of the first half of Sunday's game against New Orleans. Eli Manning threw his second interception of the day with two minutes to go in the first quarter of Sunday's game against Hotlanta.
*** In six games this year McNabb has thrown for more than 280 yards five times. In five games this year Eli Manning has thrown for fewer than 280 yards four times.
*** Despite a sub-par performance on Sunday Donovan McNabb still leads the league in passer rating at 104.8. Despite a good performance on Sunday Eli Manning still leads the league in dopey faces made with 1,048.
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
Lee Corso got the words "turnovers" and "turnouts" confused and said the key to one of the college games on Saturday would be "turnouts."
To quote Lewis Black, don't think about it too much or your brain will try and eat itself.
Almost as bad, but not quite, was Dick Stockton during the Eagles/Saints tilt on Sunday saying that Shawn Andrews had suffered a knee injury and his return to the game was questionable. He announced it on a play where Andrews had just laid down a big block and was still on screen.
I'm pretty sure that upgrades his return status to probable, but that's just me.
---- College football update
** The dream of an undefeated season died for Ursinus this weekend as they fell to the Muhlenberg Mules (not kidding, they're the Mules) 22-6 on Saturday. The Baby Bears had 311 yards of total offense but also threw three interceptions, lost two fumbles and had a blocked punt returned for a touchdown.
** Temple didn't cover that point spread against Clemson -- they lost 63-9 last Thursday. The Tigers scored on their first nine possessions. For some reason ESPN decided that game wasn't competitive enough to air nationally...
** Texas and Baylor racked up 784 yards of offense and 94 points in the Longhorns 63-31 win on Saturday. For comparisons sake, the Falcons and Giants racked up 816 yards of offense in their game Sunday but only scored 41 points in New Jersey's 27-14 win.
So, what I'm saying is, the Giants and Falcons are really just college football teams who execute their red zone offense poorly.
---- Cowboy anagram insult of the week
Still think T.O. is the biggest jerk on the Cowboys? I submit to you "Dallas Cowboys LB Bradie James," who had six tackles on Sunday and shows what he likes to do for fun when you rearrange the letters in his name:
*** A yell! Cold worm jabs sad babies. ***
Jabbing babies is bad enough, but sad ones? That's just overkill. What a jerk.
---- Our standings so far
First place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi – 793.29 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Ant – 791.11 points
Third place: Get drunk and screw, Neal – 774.90 points
Anthony makes a huge charge into the top three, Neal’s team is slowly slipping, and everyone is just shocked – SHOCKED! – that Heidi made it to first place.
She’s not even trying, you know.
---- For the record
*** The respectable, professional column is online this week. You can read it here.
*** I was going to look up how many times a team has had six turnovers and still won a game, like the Bears did Monday, but ESPN told me that has happened more than 40 times in league history. They might be lying, but now I don’t feel like checking.
*** Don’t ask how the picks are going with Dad. Just don’t.
*** Cowboys vs. Giants on Monday night next week, so somebody step up and give me a reason not to punch the television. I know I’m supposed to root for the Giants, then injuries, then the apocalypse, but it’s still gonna be a tough one to swallow.
QB: Matt Hasselback, 30.92 points -- started by Joel
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 42.37 points -- started by Ant
WR: Torry Holt, 36.27 points -- started by Paulie
TE: Jeremey Shockey, 21.67 points -- sitting on my bench
K: John Brown, 16.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Chicago, 24.00 points -- started by Mike
Four touchdowns out of Tomlinson? So that's why Anthony is suddenly near the top of the league.
---- Worst performers, the year so far edition
Third place: Brian Greise, -0.94 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Second place: Kellen Clemens, -1.80 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
First place: Brodie Croyle, -3.38 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Croyle saw his only action of the season on Sunday, passing for 23 yards with two interceptions and rushing for minus-3 yards in the Chiefs' loss to the Steelers. That's a mighty fine day right there, but not the worst of the weekend ...
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
I left the most points on my bench and scored the lowest in the league this week, but we've already established that I'm not going to give it to myself, so ...
Instead let’s give an anti-award to Eric, who I almost taunted before Sunday’s games for deciding to start RB Mike Vick as his quarterback over QB Rex Grossman, who has been tearing up teams this season. On the year, Vick had only scored four TDs to Grossman’s 10, and was worth nearly 40 fewer points in our league.
What I’m saying is this move made no sense.
In retrospect, however, that was a pretty nice call. Vick was worth a serviceable 14.96 points. Grossman had SIX FREAKING TURNOVERS and was worth -6.78 points against the Cardinals, or whichever team suited up for the first half of that game. That's the worst I can ever remember any player scoring in this league.
Eric probably just forgot to set his roster this weekend, but I’ll give him credit anyway. The anti-award is redeemable for one-free pass next time he starts somebody on a bye week.
---- Fun facts I'm noting just to piss off Giants fans
*** Donovan McNabb threw his second interception of the year on the last play of the first half of Sunday's game against New Orleans. Eli Manning threw his second interception of the day with two minutes to go in the first quarter of Sunday's game against Hotlanta.
*** In six games this year McNabb has thrown for more than 280 yards five times. In five games this year Eli Manning has thrown for fewer than 280 yards four times.
*** Despite a sub-par performance on Sunday Donovan McNabb still leads the league in passer rating at 104.8. Despite a good performance on Sunday Eli Manning still leads the league in dopey faces made with 1,048.
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
Lee Corso got the words "turnovers" and "turnouts" confused and said the key to one of the college games on Saturday would be "turnouts."
To quote Lewis Black, don't think about it too much or your brain will try and eat itself.
Almost as bad, but not quite, was Dick Stockton during the Eagles/Saints tilt on Sunday saying that Shawn Andrews had suffered a knee injury and his return to the game was questionable. He announced it on a play where Andrews had just laid down a big block and was still on screen.
I'm pretty sure that upgrades his return status to probable, but that's just me.
---- College football update
** The dream of an undefeated season died for Ursinus this weekend as they fell to the Muhlenberg Mules (not kidding, they're the Mules) 22-6 on Saturday. The Baby Bears had 311 yards of total offense but also threw three interceptions, lost two fumbles and had a blocked punt returned for a touchdown.
** Temple didn't cover that point spread against Clemson -- they lost 63-9 last Thursday. The Tigers scored on their first nine possessions. For some reason ESPN decided that game wasn't competitive enough to air nationally...
** Texas and Baylor racked up 784 yards of offense and 94 points in the Longhorns 63-31 win on Saturday. For comparisons sake, the Falcons and Giants racked up 816 yards of offense in their game Sunday but only scored 41 points in New Jersey's 27-14 win.
So, what I'm saying is, the Giants and Falcons are really just college football teams who execute their red zone offense poorly.
---- Cowboy anagram insult of the week
Still think T.O. is the biggest jerk on the Cowboys? I submit to you "Dallas Cowboys LB Bradie James," who had six tackles on Sunday and shows what he likes to do for fun when you rearrange the letters in his name:
*** A yell! Cold worm jabs sad babies. ***
Jabbing babies is bad enough, but sad ones? That's just overkill. What a jerk.
---- Our standings so far
First place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi – 793.29 points
Second place: JapanUSRelations, Ant – 791.11 points
Third place: Get drunk and screw, Neal – 774.90 points
Anthony makes a huge charge into the top three, Neal’s team is slowly slipping, and everyone is just shocked – SHOCKED! – that Heidi made it to first place.
She’s not even trying, you know.
---- For the record
*** The respectable, professional column is online this week. You can read it here.
*** I was going to look up how many times a team has had six turnovers and still won a game, like the Bears did Monday, but ESPN told me that has happened more than 40 times in league history. They might be lying, but now I don’t feel like checking.
*** Don’t ask how the picks are going with Dad. Just don’t.
*** Cowboys vs. Giants on Monday night next week, so somebody step up and give me a reason not to punch the television. I know I’m supposed to root for the Giants, then injuries, then the apocalypse, but it’s still gonna be a tough one to swallow.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Fantasy football recap, week 5
---- Top performers
QB: Donovan McNabb, 30.26 points -- started by Ant
RB: Reggie Bush, 23.50 points -- started by Eric
WR: Lee Evans, 21.27 points -- started by Eric
TE: Antonio Gates, 12.67 points -- started by me
K: Robbie Gould, 19.00 points -- started by Neal
DEF: Jacksonville, 33.00 points -- sitting on my bench
That’s the second week in a row Donovan was the top QB. More to come on that Jacksonville defense in a minute.
---- Worst performers, players we started edition
Third place: Chad Pennington, -1.42 points -- started by Neal
Second place: Buffalo, -2.00 points -- started by me
First place: New York Jets, -5.00 points -- started by Eric
And that’s the second week in a row Eric started the worst defense in the league. Last week it was Tennessee with minus-6 for his squad
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
I should get this, since I decided at the last minute to bench Jacksonville's defense (33 points) in favor of Buffalo's (minus-2), but since I give out the award that's not gonna happen.
So instead we'll award our first "Lifetime achievement blown call award" to T.O., who was so beautifully shown this weekend just how much nicer it is to have Donovan McNabb throw to you than Drew Bledsoe. Leaving Philadelphia was professional suicide for him (as opposed to ... well, you know.)
A special shout out goes to Jeff, who has already picked up a lifetime achievement award in this category and still hasn't picked up a tight end to start.
---- Great stats from that Eagles game
** Cornerback Lito Sheppard had one fewer catch (two interceptions) than T.O. (three catches, 45 yards) and caught the only touchdown pass Drew Bledsoe threw all game, that 102-yard interception return.
** The Eagles have three 100-plus yard interception returns for touchdowns in team history. All three have come against Dallas.
** Remember those ridiculous projections I made a few weeks ago? Well, Donovan McNabb (1,604 passing yards so far) is on pace for 5,126 passing yards, which would break the single-season record of 5,084.
** Dallas is still winless when T.O. scores a touchdown (0-1 on the season.) It's getting easier each week to track this stat, since he ain't coming close to the end zone.
---- Most awesome thing I heard all week
And just to beat this dead horse a little more, hopefully you didn’t miss this gem from Pam Oliver while interviewing Donovan after the Eagles game:
“I know it wasn’t you versus T.O., but a fair amount of people saw it that way. So what was it like to send that guy out here looking crazy?”
Looking crazy? Really? You get paid big bucks to interview folks and that’s what you came up with?
If you want to hear it for yourself, here’s the link – it’s around the 40-second mark.
---- College football update
** I don't know why no one else made note of it, but this week Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville said the current college bowl game system is flawed, proclaimed that teams shouldn't be held hostage by the BCS and poll systems, and then promptly saw his 2nd-ranked Tigers lose to unranked Arkansas on Saturday. Way to jinx the team there, Tommy.
** The stinkin' good-for-nothing Blue Hens lost again this week, this time on a last second field goal against the Northeastern Nor'easters, or whatever the heck their mascot is. I'm too angry to actually look it up.
** Temple had their first lead of the season in their game against the Kent State Golden Flashes on Saturday, and nearly broke the impossible 20-point barrier in their 28-17 loss. It's the team's 18 loss in a row. They play 12th-ranked Clemson on Thursday, when they will be 44-point underdogs.
Yes, that's six touchdowns and a safety. And I'm betting Clemson will be covering the spread by halftime.
** The Ursinus football team scored 16 unanswered second-half points to stun the Case Western Reserve Spartans 16-7 and stay undefeated on the season. The college football world is abuzz with the Baby Bears success, and this week Ursinus received one 25th-place vote in the Division III rankings, putting them on par with Minnesota powerhouse St. Olaf College.
Watch out, Coe College of Iowa. That 25th-place D-III ranking isn't safe for long.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Greg Ellis had a big play in that Eagles game this weekend, so let's look at what "Dallas Cowboys starting DE Gregory L. Ellis" has to tell about what exactly happened this weekend:
** Rattling D blows. Oily losers cry. Eagles glad. **
Go ahead -– check it. That’s what it says.
---- Screwball stats that interest only me
** St. Louis is the only team in the league that still hasn't thrown an interception. They have a plus-12 turnover ratio already.
** Hotlanta hasn't allowed a passing touchdown this year.
** Detroit has more penalty yards so far this year (331) than rushing yards (298).
** The Eagles had 29 sacks in 16 games last year. In five games this year, they have 23.
---- For the record
** For the first time I can remember, every team favored to win by Vegas this week won. They didn't all cover the spread, but still ... that's pretty weird.
** Dad managed to tie up the annual picks contest, so we’re back to where we started. Usually he waits until around week 10 to catch up, then overtake me.
** Because I know you haven’t read enough of my ramblings yet, I’ve posted my first football column for the paper here -- just click on the picture to read it. If it comes up small, hold your cursor over it for a second and click the enlarge button that'll pop up in the lower right-hand corner.
It ran in our Pacific editions today and was written when my editors asked for “something better than the game recaps we always run.”
I still don’t know if this will be a weekly thing, a one-time thing, or an “Ohmigawd we have nothing for the sports section” thing, but we’ll see if I can finally turn all these stellar ideas into something profitable.
QB: Donovan McNabb, 30.26 points -- started by Ant
RB: Reggie Bush, 23.50 points -- started by Eric
WR: Lee Evans, 21.27 points -- started by Eric
TE: Antonio Gates, 12.67 points -- started by me
K: Robbie Gould, 19.00 points -- started by Neal
DEF: Jacksonville, 33.00 points -- sitting on my bench
That’s the second week in a row Donovan was the top QB. More to come on that Jacksonville defense in a minute.
---- Worst performers, players we started edition
Third place: Chad Pennington, -1.42 points -- started by Neal
Second place: Buffalo, -2.00 points -- started by me
First place: New York Jets, -5.00 points -- started by Eric
And that’s the second week in a row Eric started the worst defense in the league. Last week it was Tennessee with minus-6 for his squad
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
I should get this, since I decided at the last minute to bench Jacksonville's defense (33 points) in favor of Buffalo's (minus-2), but since I give out the award that's not gonna happen.
So instead we'll award our first "Lifetime achievement blown call award" to T.O., who was so beautifully shown this weekend just how much nicer it is to have Donovan McNabb throw to you than Drew Bledsoe. Leaving Philadelphia was professional suicide for him (as opposed to ... well, you know.)
A special shout out goes to Jeff, who has already picked up a lifetime achievement award in this category and still hasn't picked up a tight end to start.
---- Great stats from that Eagles game
** Cornerback Lito Sheppard had one fewer catch (two interceptions) than T.O. (three catches, 45 yards) and caught the only touchdown pass Drew Bledsoe threw all game, that 102-yard interception return.
** The Eagles have three 100-plus yard interception returns for touchdowns in team history. All three have come against Dallas.
** Remember those ridiculous projections I made a few weeks ago? Well, Donovan McNabb (1,604 passing yards so far) is on pace for 5,126 passing yards, which would break the single-season record of 5,084.
** Dallas is still winless when T.O. scores a touchdown (0-1 on the season.) It's getting easier each week to track this stat, since he ain't coming close to the end zone.
---- Most awesome thing I heard all week
And just to beat this dead horse a little more, hopefully you didn’t miss this gem from Pam Oliver while interviewing Donovan after the Eagles game:
“I know it wasn’t you versus T.O., but a fair amount of people saw it that way. So what was it like to send that guy out here looking crazy?”
Looking crazy? Really? You get paid big bucks to interview folks and that’s what you came up with?
If you want to hear it for yourself, here’s the link – it’s around the 40-second mark.
---- College football update
** I don't know why no one else made note of it, but this week Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville said the current college bowl game system is flawed, proclaimed that teams shouldn't be held hostage by the BCS and poll systems, and then promptly saw his 2nd-ranked Tigers lose to unranked Arkansas on Saturday. Way to jinx the team there, Tommy.
** The stinkin' good-for-nothing Blue Hens lost again this week, this time on a last second field goal against the Northeastern Nor'easters, or whatever the heck their mascot is. I'm too angry to actually look it up.
** Temple had their first lead of the season in their game against the Kent State Golden Flashes on Saturday, and nearly broke the impossible 20-point barrier in their 28-17 loss. It's the team's 18 loss in a row. They play 12th-ranked Clemson on Thursday, when they will be 44-point underdogs.
Yes, that's six touchdowns and a safety. And I'm betting Clemson will be covering the spread by halftime.
** The Ursinus football team scored 16 unanswered second-half points to stun the Case Western Reserve Spartans 16-7 and stay undefeated on the season. The college football world is abuzz with the Baby Bears success, and this week Ursinus received one 25th-place vote in the Division III rankings, putting them on par with Minnesota powerhouse St. Olaf College.
Watch out, Coe College of Iowa. That 25th-place D-III ranking isn't safe for long.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Greg Ellis had a big play in that Eagles game this weekend, so let's look at what "Dallas Cowboys starting DE Gregory L. Ellis" has to tell about what exactly happened this weekend:
** Rattling D blows. Oily losers cry. Eagles glad. **
Go ahead -– check it. That’s what it says.
---- Screwball stats that interest only me
** St. Louis is the only team in the league that still hasn't thrown an interception. They have a plus-12 turnover ratio already.
** Hotlanta hasn't allowed a passing touchdown this year.
** Detroit has more penalty yards so far this year (331) than rushing yards (298).
** The Eagles had 29 sacks in 16 games last year. In five games this year, they have 23.
---- For the record
** For the first time I can remember, every team favored to win by Vegas this week won. They didn't all cover the spread, but still ... that's pretty weird.
** Dad managed to tie up the annual picks contest, so we’re back to where we started. Usually he waits until around week 10 to catch up, then overtake me.
** Because I know you haven’t read enough of my ramblings yet, I’ve posted my first football column for the paper here -- just click on the picture to read it. If it comes up small, hold your cursor over it for a second and click the enlarge button that'll pop up in the lower right-hand corner. It ran in our Pacific editions today and was written when my editors asked for “something better than the game recaps we always run.”
I still don’t know if this will be a weekly thing, a one-time thing, or an “Ohmigawd we have nothing for the sports section” thing, but we’ll see if I can finally turn all these stellar ideas into something profitable.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Getting you ready
G's favorite sign from last week's game:
T.O.
8 1
too many
It took me forever to get it.
Less subtle was a caller into WIP this morning, who was trying to win tickets to the game on Sunday by guessing what message Donovan sent to T.O. earlier this week:
Caller: It was simple. He just wrote "Take 35 more and call me in the morning."
Angelo: That's pretty good, but what's in the lead? "I've got 117 million reasons not to commit suicide." I don't know if yours is funnier.
Caller: Well, you know that's not the whole story, right? You know Donovan wasn't the first person to text him, right?
Angelo: Really?
Caller: Yeah, Jeff Garcia actually sent him a message first. It said "If it looks like a suicide attempt, and it smells like a suicide attempt, it's a suicide attempt."
Angelo: You're going to the game.
T.O.
8 1
too many
It took me forever to get it.
Less subtle was a caller into WIP this morning, who was trying to win tickets to the game on Sunday by guessing what message Donovan sent to T.O. earlier this week:
Caller: It was simple. He just wrote "Take 35 more and call me in the morning."
Angelo: That's pretty good, but what's in the lead? "I've got 117 million reasons not to commit suicide." I don't know if yours is funnier.
Caller: Well, you know that's not the whole story, right? You know Donovan wasn't the first person to text him, right?
Angelo: Really?
Caller: Yeah, Jeff Garcia actually sent him a message first. It said "If it looks like a suicide attempt, and it smells like a suicide attempt, it's a suicide attempt."
Angelo: You're going to the game.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Fantasy football recap, week 4
---- Top performers
QB: Donovan McNabb, 38.22 points -- started by Ant
RB: Larry Johnson, 28.83 points -- started by Joanna
WR: Santana Moss, 31.02 points -- started by Heidi
TE: Marques Colston, 19.80 points -- started by Joanna
K: Jeff Wilkins, 18.00 points -- started by Heidi
DEF: Kansas City, 34.00 points -- started by Jeff
Good work, ladies. Guys, there are nine of us in the league, and together we managed just two of the top players this week. C'mon.
---- Worst performers, defenses we started edition
Third place: Cincinnati, -4.00 points -- started by Jim
Second place (tie): Seattle, -5.00 points -- started by Paulie
Second place (tie): Detroit, -5.00 points -- started by Mike
First place: Tennessee, -6.00 points -- started by Eric
Wow -- I started a defense that earned minus-two points and couldn't even crack this list. Rough week.
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
Joel stepped up and grabbed the award this week. While reigning bad coach Jeff decided to throw up the top score of the season this week (179.49) Joel decided to keep almost 50 points on his bench and drift further down in the standings.
Among his highlights: Starting injured Seahawks RB Shawn Alexander, despite numerous news reports all week that he was out, instead of Chicago RB Thomas Jones, who was worth 24.40 points.
Honorable mention goes to Jim for the second week in a row for starting two guys on a bye and getting caught in the negative defenses massacre. All told, he left more than 38 points on his bench for the week.
---- "I'm angry at NFL experts" stat of the week
Everybody chuckled Sunday when the number one pick in last spring’s draft, Texans defensive end Mario Williams, got the first sack of the season in his fourth game. Houston has been hammered all summer after their decision to bypass Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush in favor of defensive line help.
But before all the experts resume their taunting, someone needs to point out that Williams first QB mugging did come before Bush’s first touchdown. In four games, he still hasn’t found the end zone.
Despite leading the league in superlatives awarded, Bush’s performance so far (264 rushing and receiving yards) has been sub-par compared to fellow rookie RBs Laurence Maroney of the Patriots (370 total yards and three TDs) and Indy's Joseph Addai (279 total yards and two TDs).
---- Who is doing better than Daunte Culpepper?
** Daunte only has two TD tosses on the season, worse than Kansas City’s Damon Huard (three), Buffalo’s J.P. Losman (three), or backup Pittsburgh QB Charlie Batch (three).
** Daunte's QB rating is a pathetic 77.0, lower than 0-4 Detroit's John Kitna (87.1) and Arizona's turnover-happy Kurt Warner (81.9).
** Daunte has been sacked more than every other quarterback in the league (21 times) and for more yards (150 lost so far).
---- The third-stupidest thing I heard this week
It had to be the third stupidest, because there ain't nothing dumber than T.O.'s publicist saying "Terrell has 25 million reasons to live" in response to whether or not he tried to commit suicide.
That was so stupid, when they replayed the press conference it became both the stupidest and second stupidest thing I heard all week.
So, onto the third. During the game Monday night, as ESPN panned across the Philly skyline, Mike Tirico said, "And there's Ben Franklin, looking down on the city of brotherly love."
I know their research staff was having serious problems (see my post from yesterday) but even the Giants fan in my office knew that's Billy Penn up there. I'm astounded Tirico wasn't struck by lightning.
---- Our standings so far
First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal -- 558.62 points
Second place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi -- 552.31 points
Third place: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff -- 519.00 points
We still haven't had our first Doyle-free top three, but we're getting closer.
---- College football update
** Rhode Island beat Brown 28-21 on Sunday. University of Delaware beat Rhode Island 24-17 last week. Ergo, University of Delaware is a better school than Brown. Let's see you poke holes in that logic, you snotty little Ivy know-it-alls.
By the way, Delaware lost 52-49 to New Hampshire on Saturday. Apparently that state is just too big for the Blue Hens to handle. The teams combined for 987 yards of offense on the game and 43 points in the fourth quarter alone.
** Ursinus continued its undefeated football season Saturday with a 20-0 win over someplace called McDaniel. The baby Bears had more yards rushing (203) than the McDaniel Green Terror had total offense (184). Ursinus opponent next week is Phoenixville Middle School in what should be a tough battle.
Yes, they're the Green Terror. I was going to call them the McDaniel Daniels until I saw how bad their actual mascot is.
** Temple doubled its TD output for the season on Saturday, scoring twice in an impressive 43-14 loss to the powerhouse that is Vanderbilt football. On the season they've been outscored 211 to 24.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
I always break these down from the Dallas perspective, but I often wonder what the Cowboys opponents can teach us about the evil that lurks inside their silver and blackened blue hearts.
So, with the cowpokes wandering into town this week, let's see what one of the new Eagles can teach us. Look closely at "Eagles wideout Donte Stallworth is da man" and you can clearly see:
*** Dallas to lose the game with new, sad TO-turd in ***
TO goes in, Dallas loses. Are you going to argue with Donte?
By the way, the Cowboys still haven't won a game where TO catches a TD (still 0-1).
---- For the record
** Stupid Phillies. How do you have the top home run hitter in the NL (Ryan Howard), the top RBI guy in the NL (Ryan Howard), the top two batters in runs scored (Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins) and not make the postseason?
** Best sign from the Eagles faithful this week? "TO get well soon, so we can hurt you."
** I won my fantasy baseball league for the third year in a row, and fantasy hockey starts this week. What do I have to do before you people stage an intervention?
** Stupid Phillies.
QB: Donovan McNabb, 38.22 points -- started by Ant
RB: Larry Johnson, 28.83 points -- started by Joanna
WR: Santana Moss, 31.02 points -- started by Heidi
TE: Marques Colston, 19.80 points -- started by Joanna
K: Jeff Wilkins, 18.00 points -- started by Heidi
DEF: Kansas City, 34.00 points -- started by Jeff
Good work, ladies. Guys, there are nine of us in the league, and together we managed just two of the top players this week. C'mon.
---- Worst performers, defenses we started edition
Third place: Cincinnati, -4.00 points -- started by Jim
Second place (tie): Seattle, -5.00 points -- started by Paulie
Second place (tie): Detroit, -5.00 points -- started by Mike
First place: Tennessee, -6.00 points -- started by Eric
Wow -- I started a defense that earned minus-two points and couldn't even crack this list. Rough week.
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
Joel stepped up and grabbed the award this week. While reigning bad coach Jeff decided to throw up the top score of the season this week (179.49) Joel decided to keep almost 50 points on his bench and drift further down in the standings.
Among his highlights: Starting injured Seahawks RB Shawn Alexander, despite numerous news reports all week that he was out, instead of Chicago RB Thomas Jones, who was worth 24.40 points.
Honorable mention goes to Jim for the second week in a row for starting two guys on a bye and getting caught in the negative defenses massacre. All told, he left more than 38 points on his bench for the week.
---- "I'm angry at NFL experts" stat of the week
Everybody chuckled Sunday when the number one pick in last spring’s draft, Texans defensive end Mario Williams, got the first sack of the season in his fourth game. Houston has been hammered all summer after their decision to bypass Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush in favor of defensive line help.
But before all the experts resume their taunting, someone needs to point out that Williams first QB mugging did come before Bush’s first touchdown. In four games, he still hasn’t found the end zone.
Despite leading the league in superlatives awarded, Bush’s performance so far (264 rushing and receiving yards) has been sub-par compared to fellow rookie RBs Laurence Maroney of the Patriots (370 total yards and three TDs) and Indy's Joseph Addai (279 total yards and two TDs).
---- Who is doing better than Daunte Culpepper?
** Daunte only has two TD tosses on the season, worse than Kansas City’s Damon Huard (three), Buffalo’s J.P. Losman (three), or backup Pittsburgh QB Charlie Batch (three).
** Daunte's QB rating is a pathetic 77.0, lower than 0-4 Detroit's John Kitna (87.1) and Arizona's turnover-happy Kurt Warner (81.9).
** Daunte has been sacked more than every other quarterback in the league (21 times) and for more yards (150 lost so far).
---- The third-stupidest thing I heard this week
It had to be the third stupidest, because there ain't nothing dumber than T.O.'s publicist saying "Terrell has 25 million reasons to live" in response to whether or not he tried to commit suicide.
That was so stupid, when they replayed the press conference it became both the stupidest and second stupidest thing I heard all week.
So, onto the third. During the game Monday night, as ESPN panned across the Philly skyline, Mike Tirico said, "And there's Ben Franklin, looking down on the city of brotherly love."
I know their research staff was having serious problems (see my post from yesterday) but even the Giants fan in my office knew that's Billy Penn up there. I'm astounded Tirico wasn't struck by lightning.
---- Our standings so far
First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal -- 558.62 points
Second place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi -- 552.31 points
Third place: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff -- 519.00 points
We still haven't had our first Doyle-free top three, but we're getting closer.
---- College football update
** Rhode Island beat Brown 28-21 on Sunday. University of Delaware beat Rhode Island 24-17 last week. Ergo, University of Delaware is a better school than Brown. Let's see you poke holes in that logic, you snotty little Ivy know-it-alls.
By the way, Delaware lost 52-49 to New Hampshire on Saturday. Apparently that state is just too big for the Blue Hens to handle. The teams combined for 987 yards of offense on the game and 43 points in the fourth quarter alone.
** Ursinus continued its undefeated football season Saturday with a 20-0 win over someplace called McDaniel. The baby Bears had more yards rushing (203) than the McDaniel Green Terror had total offense (184). Ursinus opponent next week is Phoenixville Middle School in what should be a tough battle.
Yes, they're the Green Terror. I was going to call them the McDaniel Daniels until I saw how bad their actual mascot is.
** Temple doubled its TD output for the season on Saturday, scoring twice in an impressive 43-14 loss to the powerhouse that is Vanderbilt football. On the season they've been outscored 211 to 24.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
I always break these down from the Dallas perspective, but I often wonder what the Cowboys opponents can teach us about the evil that lurks inside their silver and blackened blue hearts.
So, with the cowpokes wandering into town this week, let's see what one of the new Eagles can teach us. Look closely at "Eagles wideout Donte Stallworth is da man" and you can clearly see:
*** Dallas to lose the game with new, sad TO-turd in ***
TO goes in, Dallas loses. Are you going to argue with Donte?
By the way, the Cowboys still haven't won a game where TO catches a TD (still 0-1).
---- For the record
** Stupid Phillies. How do you have the top home run hitter in the NL (Ryan Howard), the top RBI guy in the NL (Ryan Howard), the top two batters in runs scored (Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins) and not make the postseason?
** Best sign from the Eagles faithful this week? "TO get well soon, so we can hurt you."
** I won my fantasy baseball league for the third year in a row, and fantasy hockey starts this week. What do I have to do before you people stage an intervention?
** Stupid Phillies.
Monday, October 02, 2006
ESPN commentary
In case you missed it Monday, ESPN posted this right after Buckhalter's second fumble of the game:
Ya know, I was just thinking AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGG!!!!!
Ya know, I was just thinking AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGG!!!!!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Fantasy recap correction
For the record, Donovan McNabb is not first in the NFC in TD passes; he's actually second. Eli Manning has eight TDs so far, to go along with his five INTs and two losses on the season.
I apologize for the confusion. Once again I got "first in the NFC" confused with "first in the NFC among winning QBs" or "First in the NFC among QBs who have won in the playoffs" or "First among QBs who have managed to lead their team to at least one point in the playoffs" or "First among QBs who at least are among the top two QBs in their own family" or "First among QBs whose teams know what state they play in."
I'll try not to let it happen again.
I apologize for the confusion. Once again I got "first in the NFC" confused with "first in the NFC among winning QBs" or "First in the NFC among QBs who have won in the playoffs" or "First among QBs who have managed to lead their team to at least one point in the playoffs" or "First among QBs who at least are among the top two QBs in their own family" or "First among QBs whose teams know what state they play in."
I'll try not to let it happen again.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Fantasy football recap, week 3
---- Top Performers
QB: Matt Hasselback, 33.08 points -- started by Joel
RB: Brian Westbrook, 38.83 points -- started by Neal
WR: TJ Whosyourmama, 27.27 points -- started by Ant
TE: Eric Johnson, 18.80 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: John Kasay, 20.00 points -- was on the waiver wire, now Paulie’s
DEF: Cincinnati, 20.00 points -- started by Jim
Little known fact: TJ's name was legally changed to Whosyourmoma after the popularity of that commercial.
---- Worst Performers, backup RB edition
3rd place: Anthony Thomas, 0.10 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
2nd place: DeAngelo Williams, -0.10 points -- sitting on Mike's bench
1st place: Rock Cartwright, -0.50 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Williams had -1 yards rushing on four attempts Sunday after getting 74 yards rushing and another 24 receiving the week before. Sucks to be him.
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
Jim should get the award this week: He started TO, who is both hurt and on a bye, then started two more players who scored zero points while leaving Clinton Portis (27 points) and 18 more points on his bench.
On any other week, he would run away with this award.
But Jeff made a late push to get the honors this week with some truly baffling coaching. Still refusing to use the waiver wire, he managed to carry two kickers on the bye this week, costing him a few field goals there. Then he benched Steve Smith for his first game back, forgot to put anyone in his place, and started another WR who gained no points.
---- “Don’t look now” stats of the week
** Donovan McNabb is leading the league in passing yards (960), leading the NFC in passer rating (105.3) and leading the NFC in passing TDs (seven).
** The Washington –expletive deleted- are leading the league in offensive penalty yards (260) and third in the league in defensive penalty yards (207).
** The New Jersey Giants defense has posted the second fewest sacks in the league (2) and allowed the most TDs in the league (eight).
** The Cowboys are still winless in games where TO catches a touchdown pass. (Still 0-1).
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
Credit goes to Jo on this one, for recognizing its stupidity while I was still trying to recover from the brain spasms it caused.
Mike Tirico, after the Saints blocked a punt and returned it for a TD in the first few minutes of Monday’s game in N’Orwleens, yelped “You could not have scripted a better start than this!”
So many problems with that:
1 –- Tony Kornheiser made the exact same statement 10 seconds earlier. Tirico repeated it again a few seconds later. I get it – it was a good play. Thanks for beating it to death.
2 –- Yes, I could have scripted a better start. Here goes: The Saints win the coin flip, and the walk-on WR who grew up in the lower ninth ward returns the kickoff 109 yards to set a new NFL record and give his team a 7-0 lead a mere 10 seconds into the game.
3 -– Prove to me that wasn’t scripted. Really, Hotlanta rushed for 306 yards against Tampa but can’t break off one 10-yard run the whole game? Alge Crumpler just happened to drop everything in site? And it just happened that the Falcons had their worst game so far during the Saints’ homecoming?
We’ve all known that this league has been rigged since Adam Vinitieri kicked his second last-play Super-Bowl-winning field goal. Just come out and admit it already.
---- College football update
** Just when you thought semi-professional sports couldn’t get more unpredictable, the unthinkable happened in the Temple game this weekend: They scored a touchdown. The Western Michigan Buffaloes allowed an 80-yard touchdown drive, culminating in a 11-yard rush to paydirt, in the third quarter of its pathetic 41-7 win over the Owls.
For the season, Temple has now been outscored by a much more respectable 174-10 in four games.
** Delaware beat Rhode Island 24-17 in the annual “Battle of the mini-states,” proving once again that Delaware is huge compared to that weenie little truck stop up north.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
The 'boys will be back next week, and so will their brewing QB controversy. So before he takes over the helm of Hades, let's look at "Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Tony Romo" and see what we can find:
*** A crock. Moron lobs rock up, away badly. Bet squat. ***
I'm telling ya, these things write themselves.
-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal – 425.64 points
** Second place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi – 405.61 points
** Third place: The War on Terrell, Mike – 401.02 points
** Fourth place: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome – 385.75 points
Hmmmm ... I wonder why I decided to show the top four this time instead of just the top three? Oh well...
---- For the record
** There were 23 rushing TDs this weekend, but 24 fumbles. There were 35 passing TDs but 25 INTs. I don’t really have any frame of reference for whether that’s a bad scoring-to-turnover ratio, but I’m pretty sure it means everybody sucks.
** There is nothing more fun than watching a 292-pound defensive lineman rumble 98-yards on a fumble return for a TD ... unless you get to see the Eagles defensive backs manhandle Niners QB Alex Smith while it happens.
** Only one team failed to score a TD this week –- Hotlanta –- but since it was the highest watched game in ESPN history (10.8 million viewers) I felt the need to point out how embarrassing that was.
** The race for the number 1 pick next year (Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn, who will be a tremendous bust) tightened up this week. Detroit, Houston, Tampa Bay and Cleveland are all 0-3, and Oakland narrowly avoided a loss on its bye this week.
QB: Matt Hasselback, 33.08 points -- started by Joel
RB: Brian Westbrook, 38.83 points -- started by Neal
WR: TJ Whosyourmama, 27.27 points -- started by Ant
TE: Eric Johnson, 18.80 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: John Kasay, 20.00 points -- was on the waiver wire, now Paulie’s
DEF: Cincinnati, 20.00 points -- started by Jim
Little known fact: TJ's name was legally changed to Whosyourmoma after the popularity of that commercial.
---- Worst Performers, backup RB edition
3rd place: Anthony Thomas, 0.10 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
2nd place: DeAngelo Williams, -0.10 points -- sitting on Mike's bench
1st place: Rock Cartwright, -0.50 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Williams had -1 yards rushing on four attempts Sunday after getting 74 yards rushing and another 24 receiving the week before. Sucks to be him.
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week
Jim should get the award this week: He started TO, who is both hurt and on a bye, then started two more players who scored zero points while leaving Clinton Portis (27 points) and 18 more points on his bench.
On any other week, he would run away with this award.
But Jeff made a late push to get the honors this week with some truly baffling coaching. Still refusing to use the waiver wire, he managed to carry two kickers on the bye this week, costing him a few field goals there. Then he benched Steve Smith for his first game back, forgot to put anyone in his place, and started another WR who gained no points.
---- “Don’t look now” stats of the week
** Donovan McNabb is leading the league in passing yards (960), leading the NFC in passer rating (105.3) and leading the NFC in passing TDs (seven).
** The Washington –expletive deleted- are leading the league in offensive penalty yards (260) and third in the league in defensive penalty yards (207).
** The New Jersey Giants defense has posted the second fewest sacks in the league (2) and allowed the most TDs in the league (eight).
** The Cowboys are still winless in games where TO catches a touchdown pass. (Still 0-1).
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
Credit goes to Jo on this one, for recognizing its stupidity while I was still trying to recover from the brain spasms it caused.
Mike Tirico, after the Saints blocked a punt and returned it for a TD in the first few minutes of Monday’s game in N’Orwleens, yelped “You could not have scripted a better start than this!”
So many problems with that:
1 –- Tony Kornheiser made the exact same statement 10 seconds earlier. Tirico repeated it again a few seconds later. I get it – it was a good play. Thanks for beating it to death.
2 –- Yes, I could have scripted a better start. Here goes: The Saints win the coin flip, and the walk-on WR who grew up in the lower ninth ward returns the kickoff 109 yards to set a new NFL record and give his team a 7-0 lead a mere 10 seconds into the game.
3 -– Prove to me that wasn’t scripted. Really, Hotlanta rushed for 306 yards against Tampa but can’t break off one 10-yard run the whole game? Alge Crumpler just happened to drop everything in site? And it just happened that the Falcons had their worst game so far during the Saints’ homecoming?
We’ve all known that this league has been rigged since Adam Vinitieri kicked his second last-play Super-Bowl-winning field goal. Just come out and admit it already.
---- College football update
** Just when you thought semi-professional sports couldn’t get more unpredictable, the unthinkable happened in the Temple game this weekend: They scored a touchdown. The Western Michigan Buffaloes allowed an 80-yard touchdown drive, culminating in a 11-yard rush to paydirt, in the third quarter of its pathetic 41-7 win over the Owls.
For the season, Temple has now been outscored by a much more respectable 174-10 in four games.
** Delaware beat Rhode Island 24-17 in the annual “Battle of the mini-states,” proving once again that Delaware is huge compared to that weenie little truck stop up north.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
The 'boys will be back next week, and so will their brewing QB controversy. So before he takes over the helm of Hades, let's look at "Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Tony Romo" and see what we can find:
*** A crock. Moron lobs rock up, away badly. Bet squat. ***
I'm telling ya, these things write themselves.
-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal – 425.64 points
** Second place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi – 405.61 points
** Third place: The War on Terrell, Mike – 401.02 points
** Fourth place: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome – 385.75 points
Hmmmm ... I wonder why I decided to show the top four this time instead of just the top three? Oh well...
---- For the record
** There were 23 rushing TDs this weekend, but 24 fumbles. There were 35 passing TDs but 25 INTs. I don’t really have any frame of reference for whether that’s a bad scoring-to-turnover ratio, but I’m pretty sure it means everybody sucks.
** There is nothing more fun than watching a 292-pound defensive lineman rumble 98-yards on a fumble return for a TD ... unless you get to see the Eagles defensive backs manhandle Niners QB Alex Smith while it happens.
** Only one team failed to score a TD this week –- Hotlanta –- but since it was the highest watched game in ESPN history (10.8 million viewers) I felt the need to point out how embarrassing that was.
** The race for the number 1 pick next year (Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn, who will be a tremendous bust) tightened up this week. Detroit, Houston, Tampa Bay and Cleveland are all 0-3, and Oakland narrowly avoided a loss on its bye this week.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Fantasy football recap, week 2
---- Top Performers
QB: Rex Grossman, 35.56 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 29.50 points -- started by Ant
WR: Amani "It's not a" Toomer, 33.13 points -- started by Neal
TE: Desmond Clark, 16.67 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: Nate Kaeding, 17.00 points -- started by Jeff
DEF: Baltimore, 32.00 points -- started by Heidi
Yeah, I was surprised Peyton Manning (400 yards, 3TDs, 34.20 points) wasn't at the top too.
---- Worst Performers, "awful teams" edition
3rd place: Kerry Collins, -1.72 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Aaron Brooks, -4.00 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
1st place: Tennessee, -6.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Brooks had no completions and two fumbles in his game. Meanwhile, Tennessee's defense was as bad as can be, giving up 40 points and recording no sacks, turnovers, or any other signs of life.
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
Nevermind -- we're back to honoring Andy with this one.
In fact, Andy's coaching was so bad he gets the award this week. Second and one? That's a passing down. Third and one? That's a passing down. Fourth and one? That's definitely a passing down. Fifth and one? Well, now we're talking about college football referees...
If Reid had pulled the entire team off the field before the fourth quarter started, I'm not sure the result would have been worse. And Shockey might have ended up with a few catches then.
Honorable mention goes to Jeff, who's gonna start Panthers WR Steve Smith no matter what the injury report says (Two weeks, no points).
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
First thing Monday morning, I heard this gem on DC sports radio from Andy Pollie (who is a pretty good sports guys for considering he roots for a soulless, inept and borderline racist franchise):
"So the Redskins first team offense is still struggling, and the team looks as if it's headed to an 0-6 start, but it's not time to panic yet."
They're playing the Texans next week. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't predicting an 0-6 start two games into the season with Houston on the way the very definition of panicking?
---- Fun with stat projections, week 2
** Eagles DE Trent Cole has four sacks and is on pace for 32 for the season. The record, as you know from last week, is 22 (and not 22.5)
** Colts QB Peyton Manning has 676 passing yards and is on pace for 5,408 for the season. For comparison's sake, the current record is 5,084 yards by Dan Marino in 1984. Incidentally, the record for complaints about Dan Marino in a single afternoon is held by my father, also at 5,084.
** Hotlanta RB Warrick Dunn has 266 rushing yards and is on pace to rush for 2,128 yards. For comparison's sake, the current record is 2,105 by Eric Dickerson in 1984. (What was going on in 1984?)
** Broncos QB Jake Plummer has five turnovers (four INTs, one fumble) and is on pace for 40 turnovers on the year. He also is on pace to throw zero touchdowns this season.
** Saints RB Reggie Bush has 72 yards rushing and is on pace for the most exciting 576 yards rushing the NFL has ever seen. He's also on pace to crack the 1,000 yard rushing barrier in week 11 of the 2007 season, at which point he should achieve sainthood.
---- Stupidest thing I read this week
In case you missed Sports Illustrated this week, here’s a bit from their column on the lowlights of sideline reporting over the last 20 years:
“In 2005, Nebraska coach Bill Callahan is doused with Gatorade after a win over Colorado. ABC’s Suzy Schuster asks him, ‘Was that one of the most gratifying dumps you’ve had?’”
---- Bad college football updates
** The Temple Owls lost 62-0 to Minnesota on Saturday, the second week in a row they've lost by that tally. The team is 0-3 and has been outscored 133 to 3 so far this season. On the positive side, they are averaging an easy-to-calculate 1.0 points per game.
** The Delaware Fighting Blue Hens lost to the Albany Great Danes 17-10 Saturday in the much hyped "mascots with misleading superlatives" bowl. Even more upsetting than the heavily favored Hens taking a hit in their quest for another I-AA championship, Delaware LB Shon Jablonsky did not play in the contest.
** The Division III Ursinus College Baby Bears beat the Division I-AA LaSalle Explorers 6-2 on Saturday in one of the program's biggest wins ever. The exciting contest was 0-2 at the half and featured back-to-back pass interference penalties against LaSalle before the Bears scored their only TD.
** In Division II action, Midwestern State beat Northeastern State 73-34 in a shootout that was clearly made up by the NCAA because neither of these schools actually exists. Midwestern State vs. Northeastern State? C'mon. Next up on the schedule is Pacific Northwest University vs. Traditional Southern Black College.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Let's stay on the Cowboys new players theme and see what "Dallas Cowboys Kicker Mike Vanderjagt" has coming:
**** Go-to jerk lacks aim, clanks wide. Very bad. ****
For the record, Vanderjagt was two-for-two on field goals this Sunday but two-for-five on attempts in the preseason, including three misses on game-winning attempts. So the anagrams must be true. It's the only explanation.
-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal -- 298.36 points
** Second place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 293.03 points
** Third place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi -- 290.95 points
And there's a lovely 28-point gulf between third and fourth, meaning team "Just returned from Prague" is starting to pull away. But how about Neal? Where'd that come from? That’s like Trent Cole having four sacks. Who knew?
---- For the record
** This week only six teams didn’t score any touchdowns. Last week it was seven, so the quality of play must be getting better, right?
** And while we’re talking about lousy football, Monday featured five baseball games that had more scoring than that 9 to zip clunker thrown down by Pittsburgh and Jacksonville. Maybe they had trouble keeping their balance on that field, considering it’s covered in Donovan puke (two games there, two McNabb losses, two lost lunches there).
** In case seeing David Akers get in a fight during the Giants game on Sunday wasn't enough kickers kicking ass for you, I present the video of David Akers with his favorite hobby: kickboxing.
QB: Rex Grossman, 35.56 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
RB: LaDanian Tomlinson, 29.50 points -- started by Ant
WR: Amani "It's not a" Toomer, 33.13 points -- started by Neal
TE: Desmond Clark, 16.67 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
K: Nate Kaeding, 17.00 points -- started by Jeff
DEF: Baltimore, 32.00 points -- started by Heidi
Yeah, I was surprised Peyton Manning (400 yards, 3TDs, 34.20 points) wasn't at the top too.
---- Worst Performers, "awful teams" edition
3rd place: Kerry Collins, -1.72 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Aaron Brooks, -4.00 points -- sitting on Ant's bench
1st place: Tennessee, -6.00 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
Brooks had no completions and two fumbles in his game. Meanwhile, Tennessee's defense was as bad as can be, giving up 40 points and recording no sacks, turnovers, or any other signs of life.
---- The Andy Reid blown call of the week award
Nevermind -- we're back to honoring Andy with this one.
In fact, Andy's coaching was so bad he gets the award this week. Second and one? That's a passing down. Third and one? That's a passing down. Fourth and one? That's definitely a passing down. Fifth and one? Well, now we're talking about college football referees...
If Reid had pulled the entire team off the field before the fourth quarter started, I'm not sure the result would have been worse. And Shockey might have ended up with a few catches then.
Honorable mention goes to Jeff, who's gonna start Panthers WR Steve Smith no matter what the injury report says (Two weeks, no points).
---- Stupidest thing I heard this week
First thing Monday morning, I heard this gem on DC sports radio from Andy Pollie (who is a pretty good sports guys for considering he roots for a soulless, inept and borderline racist franchise):
"So the Redskins first team offense is still struggling, and the team looks as if it's headed to an 0-6 start, but it's not time to panic yet."
They're playing the Texans next week. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't predicting an 0-6 start two games into the season with Houston on the way the very definition of panicking?
---- Fun with stat projections, week 2
** Eagles DE Trent Cole has four sacks and is on pace for 32 for the season. The record, as you know from last week, is 22 (and not 22.5)
** Colts QB Peyton Manning has 676 passing yards and is on pace for 5,408 for the season. For comparison's sake, the current record is 5,084 yards by Dan Marino in 1984. Incidentally, the record for complaints about Dan Marino in a single afternoon is held by my father, also at 5,084.
** Hotlanta RB Warrick Dunn has 266 rushing yards and is on pace to rush for 2,128 yards. For comparison's sake, the current record is 2,105 by Eric Dickerson in 1984. (What was going on in 1984?)
** Broncos QB Jake Plummer has five turnovers (four INTs, one fumble) and is on pace for 40 turnovers on the year. He also is on pace to throw zero touchdowns this season.
** Saints RB Reggie Bush has 72 yards rushing and is on pace for the most exciting 576 yards rushing the NFL has ever seen. He's also on pace to crack the 1,000 yard rushing barrier in week 11 of the 2007 season, at which point he should achieve sainthood.
---- Stupidest thing I read this week
In case you missed Sports Illustrated this week, here’s a bit from their column on the lowlights of sideline reporting over the last 20 years:
“In 2005, Nebraska coach Bill Callahan is doused with Gatorade after a win over Colorado. ABC’s Suzy Schuster asks him, ‘Was that one of the most gratifying dumps you’ve had?’”
---- Bad college football updates
** The Temple Owls lost 62-0 to Minnesota on Saturday, the second week in a row they've lost by that tally. The team is 0-3 and has been outscored 133 to 3 so far this season. On the positive side, they are averaging an easy-to-calculate 1.0 points per game.
** The Delaware Fighting Blue Hens lost to the Albany Great Danes 17-10 Saturday in the much hyped "mascots with misleading superlatives" bowl. Even more upsetting than the heavily favored Hens taking a hit in their quest for another I-AA championship, Delaware LB Shon Jablonsky did not play in the contest.
** The Division III Ursinus College Baby Bears beat the Division I-AA LaSalle Explorers 6-2 on Saturday in one of the program's biggest wins ever. The exciting contest was 0-2 at the half and featured back-to-back pass interference penalties against LaSalle before the Bears scored their only TD.
** In Division II action, Midwestern State beat Northeastern State 73-34 in a shootout that was clearly made up by the NCAA because neither of these schools actually exists. Midwestern State vs. Northeastern State? C'mon. Next up on the schedule is Pacific Northwest University vs. Traditional Southern Black College.
---- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Let's stay on the Cowboys new players theme and see what "Dallas Cowboys Kicker Mike Vanderjagt" has coming:
**** Go-to jerk lacks aim, clanks wide. Very bad. ****
For the record, Vanderjagt was two-for-two on field goals this Sunday but two-for-five on attempts in the preseason, including three misses on game-winning attempts. So the anagrams must be true. It's the only explanation.
-- Our standings so far
** First place: Get drunk and screw, Neal -- 298.36 points
** Second place: The War on Terrell, Mike -- 293.03 points
** Third place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi -- 290.95 points
And there's a lovely 28-point gulf between third and fourth, meaning team "Just returned from Prague" is starting to pull away. But how about Neal? Where'd that come from? That’s like Trent Cole having four sacks. Who knew?
---- For the record
** This week only six teams didn’t score any touchdowns. Last week it was seven, so the quality of play must be getting better, right?
** And while we’re talking about lousy football, Monday featured five baseball games that had more scoring than that 9 to zip clunker thrown down by Pittsburgh and Jacksonville. Maybe they had trouble keeping their balance on that field, considering it’s covered in Donovan puke (two games there, two McNabb losses, two lost lunches there).
** In case seeing David Akers get in a fight during the Giants game on Sunday wasn't enough kickers kicking ass for you, I present the video of David Akers with his favorite hobby: kickboxing.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Re: Eagles game today
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Glad we never got around to getting that big RB for fourth and one situations.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Glad we never got around to getting that big RB for fourth and one situations.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Fantasy football recap, week 1
---- Top Performers
QB: Donovan McNabb, 29.26 points -- started by Ant
RB: Frank Gore, 30.23 points -- started by Eric
WR: Donte Stallworth, 21.60 points -- started by Capt. Awesome
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 21.40 points -- started by Joanna
K: Jeff Wilkins, 21.00 points -- sitting on Heidi’s bench
DEF: (tie) Baltimore, 30.00 points -- started by Heidi
DEF: (tie) Chicago, 30.00 points -- started by Mike
Nice work, Heidi. We could have had a nice line-up here, but you ruined opening weekend for everyone by not starting a kicker who went six for seven. I hope you’re happy.
---- Worst Performers, staring QB edition
3rd place: Chris Simms, -0.38 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Vince Young, -0.92 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
1st place: Jake Plummer, -2.48 points -- sitting on Paul’s bench
As I’ve said in the past, in this league it’s very difficult to end up with negative points next to your name, what with our fancy 21st century scoring and all. But leave it to Jake the Snake not to disappoint. We haven’t seen scores this low since Patrick Ramsey last started a game.
By the way, Ramsey is still in the league with the Jets, so we could see this nadir sent lower soon.
---- The weekly award in remembrance of “the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week”
For any of you newcomers each week we hand out an award to the coach who left the most points on the bench, and pay tribute to bad coaches of the past. For a while this was the Andy Reid blown call of the week, but since he successfully ran a two-minute drill for the first time in his eight-year tenure with the Iggles, his name comes off the award.
Jeff won this prize so many times that we eventually named it after him, but then he turned around and won the league last year, so I promised to rename the weekly shame.
And true to my word, I have. Instead of the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week, we know have the weekly award in remembrance of the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week. (It was either that or name it after Mike Tice, but certain people get angry every time I mention he’s the only active NFL coach to kill one of his players.)
This week’s award goes to Eric -- he actually only left 26 points on his bench, nearly the same as me, but he sent me an e-mail taunting me for his 0.31-point lead in the standings. It's never good to get cocky early in the season; just look at the Cowboys. So he gets the booby prize.
We’ll come up with a better name soon, I promise.
-- Fun with trend projections
** Iggles WR Donte Stallworth is on pace for 2,256 receiving yards. For comparison's sake, Jerry Rice in 1995 had 1,848 receiving yards, the most ever in NFL history.
** Broncos QB Jake Plummer is on pace for 48 interceptions and 16 fumbles. For comparison's sake, the single season TEAM record for turnovers is 63 by the 1978 Niners.
** Packers RB Samko Gado is on pace to rush for minus-112 yards. For comparison's sake, Packers RB Ahman Green rushed for plus-110 yards on Sunday.
** Saints DT Brian Young is on pace for 48 sacks this season. For comparison's sake, the single season record for sacks is Jets DE Mark Gastineau with 22 in 1984. Giants DE Michael Strahan posted 22.5 sacks in 2002, but we all know he's a big fat fraud.
** The Cowboys are on pace to go 0-16. For comparison’s sake, that would be awesome.
-- Most insulting thing I heard this week
Usually this is the stupidest thing I heard this week, but separating one idiotic Joe Thiesmann comment from the next is getting more and more difficult.
But if you survived his drunken fawning over the Maryland Injuns, you may have stuck around for game two and heard Bonnie Bernstein drop this gem about back-QB-turned-starter Philip Rivers before he took the field and whipped Oakland:
“Win or lose one member of the his family will be excited about tonight. Rivers told me his two-year-old son keeps asking why Dad doesn’t wear a helmet like the other guys.”
Ouch. You two-year-old noticed you don’t do much work at work. Ouch.
-- Our standings so far
** First place: The War on Terrell, Mike, 156.67 points
** Second place: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanna, 149.93
** Third place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi, 142.58
Great -- an all-Doyle top three. I keep adding teams to stop this sorta thing from happening, people. Try and shape up.
-- "Everybody sucks" stat of the week
For those of you scoring at home, there were a grand total of seven teams who didn't score a touchdown this weekend. Two of those were by winning teams (the Rams, 18-10, and the Seahawks, 9-6) which, if the football gods were just, would only count as a tie.
Three of them were shutouts; The Packers, Bucs and Raiders were outscored by a combined 80 to zip. The last time there were three shutouts in the opening weekend was 1977, when there were five (no, the Eagles won 13-3 that week). And none of those five teams made the playoffs.
However, in 2003 the Patsies were shut out 31-0 by the Bills in week one, and they went on to beat the steroid-laden Panthers in the Super Bowl that year. So maybe there is still hope for Packers fans.
And maybe Doug Pederson will win the Super Bowl MVP trophy.
-- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Admit it, you’ve been waiting for it to come back. And you’ve known all along who it would be too. So lets look closely at “First-team wide receiver Terrell ‘T.O.’ Owens” and see what it says about the blackness in his soul:
*** Crier lies often. Worst wart ever. Let ‘em die ***
The letters never lie, my friends.
-- For the record
** I went 11-5 in my picks against Dad this week in the annual "Battle for Pride" contest, while Dad and his pro-Dallas choices were a mere 9-7. If I remember correctly this is the 11th year we've matched wits during the regular season, picking every game. Dad is 9-2 over that stretch, but he's 0-1 since I began combat operations here at Fort Awesome.
** The Fighting Blue Hens of the University of Delaware opened last week with a 30-7 pounding of the West Chester Chestnuts last week. They're 11th in the polls, and have a linebacker named Shon Jablonsky which is just flat-out awesome.
** The Eagles were 12-1 in games where TO scored a touchdown. The Cowboys are 0-1 in games where he scores. I'm just saying...
** The recaps are gonna be on this site from now on, so be sure to check back next Wednesday for your weekly updates. I'll quiz you frequently to see if you're reading.
QB: Donovan McNabb, 29.26 points -- started by Ant
RB: Frank Gore, 30.23 points -- started by Eric
WR: Donte Stallworth, 21.60 points -- started by Capt. Awesome
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 21.40 points -- started by Joanna
K: Jeff Wilkins, 21.00 points -- sitting on Heidi’s bench
DEF: (tie) Baltimore, 30.00 points -- started by Heidi
DEF: (tie) Chicago, 30.00 points -- started by Mike
Nice work, Heidi. We could have had a nice line-up here, but you ruined opening weekend for everyone by not starting a kicker who went six for seven. I hope you’re happy.
---- Worst Performers, staring QB edition
3rd place: Chris Simms, -0.38 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Vince Young, -0.92 points -- sitting on the waiver wire
1st place: Jake Plummer, -2.48 points -- sitting on Paul’s bench
As I’ve said in the past, in this league it’s very difficult to end up with negative points next to your name, what with our fancy 21st century scoring and all. But leave it to Jake the Snake not to disappoint. We haven’t seen scores this low since Patrick Ramsey last started a game.
By the way, Ramsey is still in the league with the Jets, so we could see this nadir sent lower soon.
---- The weekly award in remembrance of “the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week”
For any of you newcomers each week we hand out an award to the coach who left the most points on the bench, and pay tribute to bad coaches of the past. For a while this was the Andy Reid blown call of the week, but since he successfully ran a two-minute drill for the first time in his eight-year tenure with the Iggles, his name comes off the award.
Jeff won this prize so many times that we eventually named it after him, but then he turned around and won the league last year, so I promised to rename the weekly shame.
And true to my word, I have. Instead of the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week, we know have the weekly award in remembrance of the Jeff Kemeter blown call of the week. (It was either that or name it after Mike Tice, but certain people get angry every time I mention he’s the only active NFL coach to kill one of his players.)
This week’s award goes to Eric -- he actually only left 26 points on his bench, nearly the same as me, but he sent me an e-mail taunting me for his 0.31-point lead in the standings. It's never good to get cocky early in the season; just look at the Cowboys. So he gets the booby prize.
We’ll come up with a better name soon, I promise.
-- Fun with trend projections
** Iggles WR Donte Stallworth is on pace for 2,256 receiving yards. For comparison's sake, Jerry Rice in 1995 had 1,848 receiving yards, the most ever in NFL history.
** Broncos QB Jake Plummer is on pace for 48 interceptions and 16 fumbles. For comparison's sake, the single season TEAM record for turnovers is 63 by the 1978 Niners.
** Packers RB Samko Gado is on pace to rush for minus-112 yards. For comparison's sake, Packers RB Ahman Green rushed for plus-110 yards on Sunday.
** Saints DT Brian Young is on pace for 48 sacks this season. For comparison's sake, the single season record for sacks is Jets DE Mark Gastineau with 22 in 1984. Giants DE Michael Strahan posted 22.5 sacks in 2002, but we all know he's a big fat fraud.
** The Cowboys are on pace to go 0-16. For comparison’s sake, that would be awesome.
-- Most insulting thing I heard this week
Usually this is the stupidest thing I heard this week, but separating one idiotic Joe Thiesmann comment from the next is getting more and more difficult.
But if you survived his drunken fawning over the Maryland Injuns, you may have stuck around for game two and heard Bonnie Bernstein drop this gem about back-QB-turned-starter Philip Rivers before he took the field and whipped Oakland:
“Win or lose one member of the his family will be excited about tonight. Rivers told me his two-year-old son keeps asking why Dad doesn’t wear a helmet like the other guys.”
Ouch. You two-year-old noticed you don’t do much work at work. Ouch.
-- Our standings so far
** First place: The War on Terrell, Mike, 156.67 points
** Second place: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanna, 149.93
** Third place: Heidi is too slow, Heidi, 142.58
Great -- an all-Doyle top three. I keep adding teams to stop this sorta thing from happening, people. Try and shape up.
-- "Everybody sucks" stat of the week
For those of you scoring at home, there were a grand total of seven teams who didn't score a touchdown this weekend. Two of those were by winning teams (the Rams, 18-10, and the Seahawks, 9-6) which, if the football gods were just, would only count as a tie.
Three of them were shutouts; The Packers, Bucs and Raiders were outscored by a combined 80 to zip. The last time there were three shutouts in the opening weekend was 1977, when there were five (no, the Eagles won 13-3 that week). And none of those five teams made the playoffs.
However, in 2003 the Patsies were shut out 31-0 by the Bills in week one, and they went on to beat the steroid-laden Panthers in the Super Bowl that year. So maybe there is still hope for Packers fans.
And maybe Doug Pederson will win the Super Bowl MVP trophy.
-- Cowboys anagram insult of the week
Admit it, you’ve been waiting for it to come back. And you’ve known all along who it would be too. So lets look closely at “First-team wide receiver Terrell ‘T.O.’ Owens” and see what it says about the blackness in his soul:
*** Crier lies often. Worst wart ever. Let ‘em die ***
The letters never lie, my friends.
-- For the record
** I went 11-5 in my picks against Dad this week in the annual "Battle for Pride" contest, while Dad and his pro-Dallas choices were a mere 9-7. If I remember correctly this is the 11th year we've matched wits during the regular season, picking every game. Dad is 9-2 over that stretch, but he's 0-1 since I began combat operations here at Fort Awesome.
** The Fighting Blue Hens of the University of Delaware opened last week with a 30-7 pounding of the West Chester Chestnuts last week. They're 11th in the polls, and have a linebacker named Shon Jablonsky which is just flat-out awesome.
** The Eagles were 12-1 in games where TO scored a touchdown. The Cowboys are 0-1 in games where he scores. I'm just saying...
** The recaps are gonna be on this site from now on, so be sure to check back next Wednesday for your weekly updates. I'll quiz you frequently to see if you're reading.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Capt. Hollywood
So, in keeping with the "I have no idea what my job description really is" theme, I covered the D.C. red carpet premiere of the new Ashton Kutcher/Kevin Costner movie about the Coast Guard. My story on the making of the movie will appear in the paper ... someday. The movie doesn't actually open until Sept. 29. And it won't open overseas until later than that.
By why wait until then to share with you all the new Hollywood knowledge I picked up?
Here are a few tidbits:
-- The red carpet is about as thick as astroturf (not very) and was laid down on a city street, closing off one lane of a four-lane road. I'm going out on a limb here, but from what the drivers stuck in traffic were yelling I don't think they'll be paying to see this movie.
-- There is a man whose whole job in life is to figure out where the potholes are underneath the carpet, and then keep celebs from tripping on them. He is was pretty bad at it too.
-- There were a ton of Asian movie stars at the premiere, including Ken Watanabe and Ziyi Zhang. There are no Asian actors in this movie. Your guess is as good as mine.
-- Girls will scream whether or not they actually can see Ashton, but they will stop if they figure out they're just looking at reporters.
-- Clancy Brown, who appeared in several flashbacks on ABC's Lost, has not been asked back to the show yet and has no idea what's going on.
-- Media on the red carpet are given an 8x10 inch plot to stand on while the celebs stroll by. If you have a photographer, they are supposed to stand on your shoulders. If you wander away, "they" will come get you. As we made jokes about this, Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff walked by. I guess they were serious.
-- Sela Ward looked very good, considering she's Kevin Costner old. Kevin Costner looked Kevin Costner old. Demi Moore looked like a skinny 12-year-old wearing a trash bag.
-- Most reporters on the red carpet have no idea why they're there or what they're supposed to do. Neither did the Coast Guard guys, but at least they were in uniform.
-- Ashton Kutcher was impressed by my mini-recorder/MP3 player, and told me so. He was uninterested in just about everything else. But he took the movie role because he sees the Coast Guard as "real life heroes," then in a non-sequitor ripped football players for being frauds.
-- Access Hollywood is way higher on the pecking order than any print media. I talked to Ashton Kutcher, for the love of gawd, but I couldn't get near their cameraman or see if Billy Bush was around.
No pictures because my camerawoman had a family emergency, but I'll look on the entertainment wire tomorrow to see if I snuck in any.
By why wait until then to share with you all the new Hollywood knowledge I picked up?
Here are a few tidbits:
-- The red carpet is about as thick as astroturf (not very) and was laid down on a city street, closing off one lane of a four-lane road. I'm going out on a limb here, but from what the drivers stuck in traffic were yelling I don't think they'll be paying to see this movie.
-- There is a man whose whole job in life is to figure out where the potholes are underneath the carpet, and then keep celebs from tripping on them. He is was pretty bad at it too.
-- There were a ton of Asian movie stars at the premiere, including Ken Watanabe and Ziyi Zhang. There are no Asian actors in this movie. Your guess is as good as mine.
-- Girls will scream whether or not they actually can see Ashton, but they will stop if they figure out they're just looking at reporters.
-- Clancy Brown, who appeared in several flashbacks on ABC's Lost, has not been asked back to the show yet and has no idea what's going on.
-- Media on the red carpet are given an 8x10 inch plot to stand on while the celebs stroll by. If you have a photographer, they are supposed to stand on your shoulders. If you wander away, "they" will come get you. As we made jokes about this, Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff walked by. I guess they were serious.
-- Sela Ward looked very good, considering she's Kevin Costner old. Kevin Costner looked Kevin Costner old. Demi Moore looked like a skinny 12-year-old wearing a trash bag.
-- Most reporters on the red carpet have no idea why they're there or what they're supposed to do. Neither did the Coast Guard guys, but at least they were in uniform.
-- Ashton Kutcher was impressed by my mini-recorder/MP3 player, and told me so. He was uninterested in just about everything else. But he took the movie role because he sees the Coast Guard as "real life heroes," then in a non-sequitor ripped football players for being frauds.
-- Access Hollywood is way higher on the pecking order than any print media. I talked to Ashton Kutcher, for the love of gawd, but I couldn't get near their cameraman or see if Billy Bush was around.
No pictures because my camerawoman had a family emergency, but I'll look on the entertainment wire tomorrow to see if I snuck in any.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
League predictions
Now that we’ve drafted the fantasy football teams, let the guessing and taunting begin. I'm working on a way so that folks not in the league can view the weekly standings, but FYI here’s how everything will shake out at the end of the year:
TEAM: Team SmartyPants, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 2000 points, 11th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: The new kid always gets ranked last. He’s the only one of us who didn’t draft two kickers, so he gets credit for that, but he also has Jake Plummer at QB and only one RB on his roster. Also, his first round pick was for an Arizona Cardinal (Larry Fitzgerald). It’s that kind of poor strategy that will keep this team down.
TEAM: Cut and Run, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 2025 points, 10th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: You have to get deep into Jim’s roster before you find a player I don’t hate. New Jersey QB Eli Manning, Dallas RB Julius Jones, Dallas K Mike Vanderjagt, Maryland RB Clinton Portis, Maryland TE Chris Cooley, Tampa WR Joey Galloway … and some shmuck with the initials T.O. His team could be good, but I ain’t gonna be heaping any praise on a team which runs on pure evil.
TEAM: Get drunk and screw, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2050 points, 9th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Neal’s team looks really good, considering he doesn’t have any WRs on the roster. Jerry Porter? Eddie Kennison? I guess Westbrook is more of a WR than an RB, but still. Most importantly, Neal ended up with the Fred Taylor booby prize, so that drops his ranking significantly. When Taylor heard he was drafted by someone, he jumped up and down with excitement, then hyperextended his knee.
TEAM: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanner
PROJECTED FINISH: 2075 points, 8th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Joanner has three teams she’s following this year, and there is no shot she’ll have any clue what’s going on with this team by week five. Also, every year I rate her team high and it stinks, so this year I’m using reverse psychology. She does have a mess of good Carolina and Pittsburgh players, including the Steelers starting three WRs from two years ago (Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress and Antwann Randle El). If only she had rooted for the right Pennsylvania team….
TEAM: JapanUSRelations, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2100 points, 7th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: True story – Ant called me on Saturday asking for where he could look up injury reports because he didn’t want to draft someone who was hurt. Then, with his second pick, he took Dominick Davis. Then, Sunday morning, the Texans announced Davis would be out for the season with an injury. There’s a bad luck vibe around Ant’s team, and I don’t think having LaDanian Tomlinson and Donovan McNabb will be enough to overcome that.
TEAM: Clarett’s protoge, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 2125 points, 6th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Joel doesn’t have a single skill position on a team which plays in this time zone. That’s tough to do. He should get some sort of award for that, but I don’t give out those kind of prizes. Well, I don’t give them out until halfway through the year, when I scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to write.
TEAM: Red Shirteys, Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2150 points, 5th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: If you missed out on getting RBs, Eric took them. He has six, including fake QB Michael Vick and rookies Reggie Bush and LenDale White. That could be a fearsome twosome, if Eric can figure out how to keep LenDale from spitting in everyone’s faces.
TEAM: The War on Terrell, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2175 points, 4th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Mike said he didn’t set his draft order, which is significant because his team still looks better than most. Peyton Manning, a couple of good RBs, Chad Johnson and the best defense in the league (Chicago). But there’s nothing worse than an inattentive manager who is too busy jetting around the world to some take time deciding whether Denver RB Tatum Bell is a better pick than Denver RB Mike Bell. So he can’t possibly win the title.
TEAM: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2200 points, 3rd place
WHAT TO EXPECT: I’ve drafted three fantasy teams now and I’ve got Javon Walker on all three, so three seems like a good spot for me. Go figure. I’ve got Akers doing my kicking and a nice collection of good RBs. But most importantly, I used my first round pick to take an Arizona Cardinal (Edgerrin James). It’s that kind of bold strategy that’s gonna take me to the top.
TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2225 points, 2nd place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Tom Brady, Willie Parker, Ronnie Brown, Steve Smith – that’s a pretty good crew for somebody who got screwed with the last pick. But the key for Jeff this year is gonna be his excellent waiver wire deals. Sure, in the four years he’s been in the league he’s never dropped or added a player, but this is gonna be the year, I can feel it.
TEAM: Heidi is too slow, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 2250 points, 1st place
WHAT TO EXPECT: C’mon, this team isn’t even that good. But once again Heidi ended up with a mess of underrated players – Chris Chambers, Santana Moss, Mark Bulger, Baltimore’s defense – who could produce a lot of points. Baltimore RB Jamal Lewis looks like junk, but she always ends up with one player who goes nuts early on. So I’m picking up Jamal in my other leagues. Two predictions: Heidi finishes first, and she changes her team name by next weekend.
Remember to get your rosters set by Thursday for the ridiculous “We’re the NFL but we’re acting but the NCAA” season opener. Good luck, losers.
TEAM: Team SmartyPants, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 2000 points, 11th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: The new kid always gets ranked last. He’s the only one of us who didn’t draft two kickers, so he gets credit for that, but he also has Jake Plummer at QB and only one RB on his roster. Also, his first round pick was for an Arizona Cardinal (Larry Fitzgerald). It’s that kind of poor strategy that will keep this team down.
TEAM: Cut and Run, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 2025 points, 10th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: You have to get deep into Jim’s roster before you find a player I don’t hate. New Jersey QB Eli Manning, Dallas RB Julius Jones, Dallas K Mike Vanderjagt, Maryland RB Clinton Portis, Maryland TE Chris Cooley, Tampa WR Joey Galloway … and some shmuck with the initials T.O. His team could be good, but I ain’t gonna be heaping any praise on a team which runs on pure evil.
TEAM: Get drunk and screw, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2050 points, 9th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Neal’s team looks really good, considering he doesn’t have any WRs on the roster. Jerry Porter? Eddie Kennison? I guess Westbrook is more of a WR than an RB, but still. Most importantly, Neal ended up with the Fred Taylor booby prize, so that drops his ranking significantly. When Taylor heard he was drafted by someone, he jumped up and down with excitement, then hyperextended his knee.
TEAM: Hall of Fame Bus Drivers, Joanner
PROJECTED FINISH: 2075 points, 8th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Joanner has three teams she’s following this year, and there is no shot she’ll have any clue what’s going on with this team by week five. Also, every year I rate her team high and it stinks, so this year I’m using reverse psychology. She does have a mess of good Carolina and Pittsburgh players, including the Steelers starting three WRs from two years ago (Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress and Antwann Randle El). If only she had rooted for the right Pennsylvania team….
TEAM: JapanUSRelations, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2100 points, 7th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: True story – Ant called me on Saturday asking for where he could look up injury reports because he didn’t want to draft someone who was hurt. Then, with his second pick, he took Dominick Davis. Then, Sunday morning, the Texans announced Davis would be out for the season with an injury. There’s a bad luck vibe around Ant’s team, and I don’t think having LaDanian Tomlinson and Donovan McNabb will be enough to overcome that.
TEAM: Clarett’s protoge, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 2125 points, 6th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Joel doesn’t have a single skill position on a team which plays in this time zone. That’s tough to do. He should get some sort of award for that, but I don’t give out those kind of prizes. Well, I don’t give them out until halfway through the year, when I scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to write.
TEAM: Red Shirteys, Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2150 points, 5th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: If you missed out on getting RBs, Eric took them. He has six, including fake QB Michael Vick and rookies Reggie Bush and LenDale White. That could be a fearsome twosome, if Eric can figure out how to keep LenDale from spitting in everyone’s faces.
TEAM: The War on Terrell, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2175 points, 4th place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Mike said he didn’t set his draft order, which is significant because his team still looks better than most. Peyton Manning, a couple of good RBs, Chad Johnson and the best defense in the league (Chicago). But there’s nothing worse than an inattentive manager who is too busy jetting around the world to some take time deciding whether Denver RB Tatum Bell is a better pick than Denver RB Mike Bell. So he can’t possibly win the title.
TEAM: Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2200 points, 3rd place
WHAT TO EXPECT: I’ve drafted three fantasy teams now and I’ve got Javon Walker on all three, so three seems like a good spot for me. Go figure. I’ve got Akers doing my kicking and a nice collection of good RBs. But most importantly, I used my first round pick to take an Arizona Cardinal (Edgerrin James). It’s that kind of bold strategy that’s gonna take me to the top.
TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2225 points, 2nd place
WHAT TO EXPECT: Tom Brady, Willie Parker, Ronnie Brown, Steve Smith – that’s a pretty good crew for somebody who got screwed with the last pick. But the key for Jeff this year is gonna be his excellent waiver wire deals. Sure, in the four years he’s been in the league he’s never dropped or added a player, but this is gonna be the year, I can feel it.
TEAM: Heidi is too slow, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 2250 points, 1st place
WHAT TO EXPECT: C’mon, this team isn’t even that good. But once again Heidi ended up with a mess of underrated players – Chris Chambers, Santana Moss, Mark Bulger, Baltimore’s defense – who could produce a lot of points. Baltimore RB Jamal Lewis looks like junk, but she always ends up with one player who goes nuts early on. So I’m picking up Jamal in my other leagues. Two predictions: Heidi finishes first, and she changes her team name by next weekend.
Remember to get your rosters set by Thursday for the ridiculous “We’re the NFL but we’re acting but the NCAA” season opener. Good luck, losers.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Stupid BGE
Sorry for the delay, but we won't be drafting the fantasy teams until later tonight -- Fort Awesome lost power for about 18 hours thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Ernie and Baltimore Gas 'n Electric's incompetence. This is about the 10th time in the last two years our lights have gone out. They're considering changing their name over to Baltimore Gas, because they no longer really provide electricity to any of their customers.
Of course, it was a bad storm ...
We lost about half of the big tree out front. It looks pretty bad, but to be fair that beechwood pear is the Buckhalter of our lawn-and-garden all-star team. Since we began operations at the fort, I'm not sure it's made it more than two months without a major injury.
Still, that's a pretty thick section of trunk to lose. I posed with my sweet, sweet sneakers to give you some sense of scale.
Of course, it was a bad storm ...
We lost about half of the big tree out front. It looks pretty bad, but to be fair that beechwood pear is the Buckhalter of our lawn-and-garden all-star team. Since we began operations at the fort, I'm not sure it's made it more than two months without a major injury.
Still, that's a pretty thick section of trunk to lose. I posed with my sweet, sweet sneakers to give you some sense of scale.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Fantasy football draft order
It's time for the annual "Who needs linebackers" fantasy football league, where I get a chance to prove I know more about football than everyone I know (except Heidi). But before we can start picking teams, we've got to establish our draft order, based off last year's competition.
The Heidi rule instituted last season is still in effect, so the top four teams from last year get the bottom four spots in this year's draft order, to ensure that Heidi gets screwed with a late pick and to give the rest of us a chance to win this league.
11. Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
10. Heidi is too slow, Heidi
9. The War on Terrell, Mike
8. Red Shirteys, Eric
Everyone else gets their names dropped in the Eagles hat for an NBA style draft lottery. Our representatives from each team are present for today's excitement, so let's have Joanna pull the first name:
7. Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
DAMN!!!! I spent all this time coming up with a screwy draft order lottery only to get the worst pick I could end up with. Joanna is laughing at me and promising not to tell if we decide to repick to get me a better pick. She's officially on probation -- joking about rigging the draft order is as bad as taking steroids in baseball. And they don't allow that kind of thing. Onto the next pick:
6. Team SmartyPants, Paul
The new guy gets a pick in the dead center. Paul's team representative, a soccer ball bean bag, yawns with excitement. Being a soccer ball, it's used to being bored. Onto the next pick:
5. Cut and Run, Jim
Jim's representative, a copy of this week's Washington Post magazine, asks me "Can God straighten out your finances?" I feel like his team might not be focused on this whole event. Onto the next pick:
4. Get Drunk and Screw, Neal
That's the second year in a row Neal got a pretty good pick. We may have to figure out a way to screw him next year. No, not that way. Coincidentally, his team representative, a screw holding up one of our family room blinds, looks so excited it might fall out of the wall. Or maybe that's just shoddy workmanship on my part. Onto the next pick:
3. Clarett's protege, Joel
After getting stuck with a late pick last year Joel gets a plum spot in this year's contest. His representative, my Ohio State Hat, responds by pulling a gun on me, taking my cell phone, then getting arrested by Columbus police. Why they are hanging out around DC is beyond me.
It's worth nothing that Joanna's demeanor has suddenly gone from excited to terrified, as she realizes that we might have to redo this whole lottery if she doesn't pull her name next. Nobody is going to believe we did this on the up-and-up if she gets the top spot. So with great trepidation she reaches into the Eagles hat and pulls out:
2. HoF Bus Drivers, Joanner
And now she's happy again. Joanna's representative, Joanna, resumes taunting me. This has not been an easy day at Fort Awesome.
With all the picks gone, that leaves the top spot to:
1. JapanUSRelations, Ant
Oh, gawd, what have we done? It's like handing the car keys to a six-year-old. Sure, it sounds like fun, and you know he'll be a better driver than most of the people on the road, especially that guy in the car next to you, with his overstarched suit and his fancy bluetooth earpiece, and you just know he's gonna cut you off when you get up to that merge, but you're the bad guy because you're wondering if you could flick a piece of gum into his car window, and ... where was I?
Anthony's team representative, a "Welcome Home" sign with a signature of Vince Papale, is so excited by the win that it starts singing the wrong words to the Eagles fight song. It stops only when my Ohio State hat pulls out it's gun again.
Bets are now open on Ant taking an Eagle with the top pick over all prevailing logic. It's admirable, but also terribly misguided.
So that's the order, kids. The moment of truth will take place on Saturday. I'll switch the league's draft status over to ready sometime around noon, so make sure you set your player rankings by then. If you end up with Clinton Portis and his shattered shoulder with the number 5 pick, well, I warned you.
Any questions, drop me a line.
The Heidi rule instituted last season is still in effect, so the top four teams from last year get the bottom four spots in this year's draft order, to ensure that Heidi gets screwed with a late pick and to give the rest of us a chance to win this league.
11. Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
10. Heidi is too slow, Heidi
9. The War on Terrell, Mike
8. Red Shirteys, Eric
Everyone else gets their names dropped in the Eagles hat for an NBA style draft lottery. Our representatives from each team are present for today's excitement, so let's have Joanna pull the first name:
7. Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome
DAMN!!!! I spent all this time coming up with a screwy draft order lottery only to get the worst pick I could end up with. Joanna is laughing at me and promising not to tell if we decide to repick to get me a better pick. She's officially on probation -- joking about rigging the draft order is as bad as taking steroids in baseball. And they don't allow that kind of thing. Onto the next pick:
6. Team SmartyPants, Paul
The new guy gets a pick in the dead center. Paul's team representative, a soccer ball bean bag, yawns with excitement. Being a soccer ball, it's used to being bored. Onto the next pick:
5. Cut and Run, Jim
Jim's representative, a copy of this week's Washington Post magazine, asks me "Can God straighten out your finances?" I feel like his team might not be focused on this whole event. Onto the next pick:
4. Get Drunk and Screw, Neal
That's the second year in a row Neal got a pretty good pick. We may have to figure out a way to screw him next year. No, not that way. Coincidentally, his team representative, a screw holding up one of our family room blinds, looks so excited it might fall out of the wall. Or maybe that's just shoddy workmanship on my part. Onto the next pick:
3. Clarett's protege, Joel
After getting stuck with a late pick last year Joel gets a plum spot in this year's contest. His representative, my Ohio State Hat, responds by pulling a gun on me, taking my cell phone, then getting arrested by Columbus police. Why they are hanging out around DC is beyond me.
It's worth nothing that Joanna's demeanor has suddenly gone from excited to terrified, as she realizes that we might have to redo this whole lottery if she doesn't pull her name next. Nobody is going to believe we did this on the up-and-up if she gets the top spot. So with great trepidation she reaches into the Eagles hat and pulls out:
2. HoF Bus Drivers, Joanner
And now she's happy again. Joanna's representative, Joanna, resumes taunting me. This has not been an easy day at Fort Awesome.
With all the picks gone, that leaves the top spot to:
1. JapanUSRelations, Ant
Oh, gawd, what have we done? It's like handing the car keys to a six-year-old. Sure, it sounds like fun, and you know he'll be a better driver than most of the people on the road, especially that guy in the car next to you, with his overstarched suit and his fancy bluetooth earpiece, and you just know he's gonna cut you off when you get up to that merge, but you're the bad guy because you're wondering if you could flick a piece of gum into his car window, and ... where was I?
Anthony's team representative, a "Welcome Home" sign with a signature of Vince Papale, is so excited by the win that it starts singing the wrong words to the Eagles fight song. It stops only when my Ohio State hat pulls out it's gun again.
Bets are now open on Ant taking an Eagle with the top pick over all prevailing logic. It's admirable, but also terribly misguided.
So that's the order, kids. The moment of truth will take place on Saturday. I'll switch the league's draft status over to ready sometime around noon, so make sure you set your player rankings by then. If you end up with Clinton Portis and his shattered shoulder with the number 5 pick, well, I warned you.
Any questions, drop me a line.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Fun with blogger
I've been having some problems logging on for the past few days, so sorry for the erratic posts. I'll get my technical problems resolved and get used to my new/old routine again soon, and we'll be back to funny postings.
In the meantime, might I suggest a scholarly essay on why the trash compactor in Star Wars wouldn't be practical?
It's either that on an extended lecture by me on how Donte Stallworth could change the face of the NFC East. And it's pretty late to get me started on that.
In the meantime, might I suggest a scholarly essay on why the trash compactor in Star Wars wouldn't be practical?
It's either that on an extended lecture by me on how Donte Stallworth could change the face of the NFC East. And it's pretty late to get me started on that.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Pizza Pizza Pizza
Guiseppe's Pizza and Invincible tonight, and Snakes on a Plane last night. Does it get better than this?
Going back to work on Monday is going to be really, really rough.
Going back to work on Monday is going to be really, really rough.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Back to WAR...minster
I've been back to home home for just over 15 hours now and still haven't told any stories that have really upset Mom, so everybody is happy.
We're looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend prior to an en masse "Invincible" viewing, which will be punctuated by news that G has been named the Eagles new #3 receiver. But before that is Guiseppe's pizza. Right now the odds of me actually waiting until Saturday to eat there are about five-to-one, but I have made it 15 hours so far.
We're looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend prior to an en masse "Invincible" viewing, which will be punctuated by news that G has been named the Eagles new #3 receiver. But before that is Guiseppe's pizza. Right now the odds of me actually waiting until Saturday to eat there are about five-to-one, but I have made it 15 hours so far.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Projecting the season
In honor of Madden Day yesterday, I finished the Eagles 2006 regular season I'd been playing with last year's copy of the game. I know it's not a perfect projection, but the game is pretty realistic and I think it's probably a good indication of how the Eagles will finish up. So here are the stats:
McNabb won the MVP, Westbrook the offensive player of the year, and Trotter the defensive player of the year. The team had 17 starters on the Pro Bowl (no Akers, though).
Like I said, it's not a perfect prediction. But I think it's reasonable to assume McNabb will have somewhere around 6,000 yards passing, and that Trotter will nearly double the sack record this year.
| Team stats | |
| Team record | 16 wins, 0 losses |
| Points for | 1,264 points (157 offensive TDs) |
| Points allowed | 64 points |
| Points scored by my defense | 102 points (17 defensive TDs) |
| Individual offense stats | |
| Donovan McNabb | 6,685 passing yards, 96 TDs, 8 INTs |
| Brian Westbrook (ground) | 2,561 rushing yards, 45 TDs, 7 fumbles |
| Brian Westbrook (air) | 1,278 receiving yards, 18 TDs |
| Reggie Brown | 2,015 receiving yards, 31 TDs |
| David Akers | 4 field goals, 171 extra points |
| Individual defense stats | |
| Jeremiah Trotter | 79 tackles, 39 sacks, 5 INTs, 3 fumbles, 2 safeties |
| Javon Kearse | 62 tackles, 37 sacks, 1 INT, 2 fumbles, 1 TD |
| Sheldon Brown | 32 tackles, 18 INTs, 6 TDs |
| Lito Shepard | 48 tackles, 15 INTs, 1 sack, 1 fumble, 4 TDs |
| Brian Dawkins | 49 tackles, 7 INTs, 1 TD |
McNabb won the MVP, Westbrook the offensive player of the year, and Trotter the defensive player of the year. The team had 17 starters on the Pro Bowl (no Akers, though).
Like I said, it's not a perfect prediction. But I think it's reasonable to assume McNabb will have somewhere around 6,000 yards passing, and that Trotter will nearly double the sack record this year.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Enjoying the fort
I'm so excited to be back in the land of laundry that I'm considering changing my shirts every hour just because I can. And I get to wear shirts with colors in them too, not just the gray and gray with gray in it tee-shirts that I was resigned to in Afghanistan. I'm thinking about rainbow suspenders just to add to the effect. Rainbow suspenders are still cool, right?
Speaking of colors, I also got my purple heart in the mail this week, courtesy of Aunt Olga and her crafts expertise, for my dive down a mortar pit last month.
If I haven't told you the story, don't worry: You'll hear it soon. There's nothing funnier than nearly breaking your neck because you don't know how to work a flashlight.
Well, maybe there's something funnier, but it would probably involve me actually breaking my neck. And I'm not willing to go that far for a joke.
Speaking of colors, I also got my purple heart in the mail this week, courtesy of Aunt Olga and her crafts expertise, for my dive down a mortar pit last month.
If I haven't told you the story, don't worry: You'll hear it soon. There's nothing funnier than nearly breaking your neck because you don't know how to work a flashlight.
Well, maybe there's something funnier, but it would probably involve me actually breaking my neck. And I'm not willing to go that far for a joke.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Officially back on base
Holy guacamole. It's good to be home.
I've turned the title of this site back over to it's previous name, and I've spent the last 20 hours enjoying everything the fort has to offer -- giant couch, carpeted floors, a bed with sheets, running water. You have no idea how exciting flush toilets are.
After some more R&R the darling wife and I will be heading up north to Philly to see a lot of you folks. I'll post a few more trip things over the next few days, and then after that this blog will return to it's "something funny at least once a week" goal.
I was just gonna start posting my football stats again, but now I'm thinking I'll have to expand those plans. Daily updates of how much I've showered? Weekly rants from Quinn? Hourly information on how much the Eagles WRs stink?
So stay tuned.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Phase Two of Operation GetOut
The flight is tomorrow at noon, and if all goes well I'm on the ground by 3 p.m. That leaves just enough time for packing and a few more liters of beer.
After that, it's officially back On base at Fort Awesome (now with awesome tiger pit, apparently).
See y'all soon.
After that, it's officially back On base at Fort Awesome (now with awesome tiger pit, apparently).
See y'all soon.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
In response to your questions...
-- Yes, I did find something to do today, and tomorrow too. But nothing that interesting or photogenic.
-- German dark beer does rival Ying-ling, but really it's just a whole different food group. The best Bratwurst does not compare to Steak in the Pot. And frankly I think it's heresy to even suggest that.
-- Blue Moon is quite possibly the nastiest beer I've ever drank in my life. I'd rather down some blue Mad Dog than have another sip of that junk.
-- I have seen the Snakes on a Plane sounds web site but I have yet to find a computer where I can get it to work. Maybe this weekend.
-- Only two days left before the flight.
-- German dark beer does rival Ying-ling, but really it's just a whole different food group. The best Bratwurst does not compare to Steak in the Pot. And frankly I think it's heresy to even suggest that.
-- Blue Moon is quite possibly the nastiest beer I've ever drank in my life. I'd rather down some blue Mad Dog than have another sip of that junk.
-- I have seen the Snakes on a Plane sounds web site but I have yet to find a computer where I can get it to work. Maybe this weekend.
-- Only two days left before the flight.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Beer beer beer!
I made it up to Darmstadt yesterday, turned in my body armor and headed out with a few Europe friends for some good dark German al-key-hol -- Not too much, but enough to make me very, very happy.
Now it's just a matter of riding out the rest of the week. I've got a bit of paperwork to take care of, and had my visit with the shrink today (all of our deployed folks need to sit down with a counselor to make sure we haven't cracked up.) She said I'm running a little high still, because I didn't stop talking for about 30 minutes. I told her that after she identified herself as a Giants fan I dismissed everything else she had to say. So I'm still making friends everywhere I go.
Tomorrow ... I dunno. Practicing my German beer-ordering skills?
Now it's just a matter of riding out the rest of the week. I've got a bit of paperwork to take care of, and had my visit with the shrink today (all of our deployed folks need to sit down with a counselor to make sure we haven't cracked up.) She said I'm running a little high still, because I didn't stop talking for about 30 minutes. I told her that after she identified herself as a Giants fan I dismissed everything else she had to say. So I'm still making friends everywhere I go.
Tomorrow ... I dunno. Practicing my German beer-ordering skills?
Monday, August 14, 2006
Getting closer
I'm going to try to get up to Darmstadt today, the very last stop on my tour of the world before heading home. I ended up spending an extra night in Ramstein last night when my editors found out the free shuttle north doesn't run on Sundays.
So, my choices were:
a) pay 150 euro to get a cab up to Frankfurt, and have someone pick me up there
b) pay 48 U.S. bucks to stay in the officer's suite on base here and watch American TV and eat pizza for an extra day and sleep in a king-sized bed with real sheets, something I haven't had for more than a month (I've been using a sleeping bag)
Yeah, life is rough. I'm thinking I might miss that shuttle again today....
So, my choices were:
a) pay 150 euro to get a cab up to Frankfurt, and have someone pick me up there
b) pay 48 U.S. bucks to stay in the officer's suite on base here and watch American TV and eat pizza for an extra day and sleep in a king-sized bed with real sheets, something I haven't had for more than a month (I've been using a sleeping bag)
Yeah, life is rough. I'm thinking I might miss that shuttle again today....
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I told you I'd find one
Quite possibly the most annoying part of the trip happened late Friday night as I tried to leave Afghanistan, when myself and the 16 other folks on my flight had to go through customs. Usually, civilian customs means somebody opening your bag, asking you if you have anything illegal and then sending you on your merry way.
Army customs meant I had to empty all of my tightly packed bags on the floor, have someone examine each item individually and give me a 20-minute lecture about the criminal charges I could face if I was found carrying any contraband.
Among the things they asked me to throw away:
-- My lighter.
-- My sudafed. I had mixed them in with my aspirin, and apparently that means I was trying to smuggle unmarked and potentially illegal drugs into the U.S.
-- My bug spray. I got this bug spray from the Pentagon. It's Army issued. But it was against the law for me to bring it back into the country where I got it, so now it's in the trash.
-- My anti-malaria meds. I had mixed some calcium pills in with them, so I ran into the drug-smuggling problem again. The whole "but I don't want to get malaria" argument wasn't working. When the guy turned his back, I dumped the calcium pills and convinced him I had a second bottle of the drugs with me, one that wasn't "tainted." He let me keep them.
It was a royal pain in the butt. All of us were standing around complaining about the ridiculous threats these MPs were making, how late it was, how slow the process was, and how we'd fit everything back into the bags.
The guy next to me had a huge duffel and pulled out all sorts of CDs, DVDs, electronics gear and, at the very end, this:
You could have knocked me over with Todd Pinkston's skinny legs. I asked him why he was carrying around a parking sign, and Sgt. Dove replied "Because I'm from Jersey, and I've been a birds fan my whole life."
And I know that doesn't answer the real question, but at the time that made perfect sense to me. In fact, I wondered why I wasn't carrying around an Eagles sign.
We chatted for a few minutes as we packed all our stuff back up, and he said he'd been up in Kabul for the last few days, so he and a few friends got up early to watch that first pre-season game there. That's why I couldn't find Eagles fans to watch the game with -- they were stationed somewhere else. I knew it couldn't be that there were no McNabb loyalists out there.
But I told you I'd find some birds fans out here. We're everywhere.
Army customs meant I had to empty all of my tightly packed bags on the floor, have someone examine each item individually and give me a 20-minute lecture about the criminal charges I could face if I was found carrying any contraband.
Among the things they asked me to throw away:
-- My lighter.
-- My sudafed. I had mixed them in with my aspirin, and apparently that means I was trying to smuggle unmarked and potentially illegal drugs into the U.S.
-- My bug spray. I got this bug spray from the Pentagon. It's Army issued. But it was against the law for me to bring it back into the country where I got it, so now it's in the trash.
-- My anti-malaria meds. I had mixed some calcium pills in with them, so I ran into the drug-smuggling problem again. The whole "but I don't want to get malaria" argument wasn't working. When the guy turned his back, I dumped the calcium pills and convinced him I had a second bottle of the drugs with me, one that wasn't "tainted." He let me keep them.
It was a royal pain in the butt. All of us were standing around complaining about the ridiculous threats these MPs were making, how late it was, how slow the process was, and how we'd fit everything back into the bags.
The guy next to me had a huge duffel and pulled out all sorts of CDs, DVDs, electronics gear and, at the very end, this:
You could have knocked me over with Todd Pinkston's skinny legs. I asked him why he was carrying around a parking sign, and Sgt. Dove replied "Because I'm from Jersey, and I've been a birds fan my whole life."
And I know that doesn't answer the real question, but at the time that made perfect sense to me. In fact, I wondered why I wasn't carrying around an Eagles sign.
We chatted for a few minutes as we packed all our stuff back up, and he said he'd been up in Kabul for the last few days, so he and a few friends got up early to watch that first pre-season game there. That's why I couldn't find Eagles fans to watch the game with -- they were stationed somewhere else. I knew it couldn't be that there were no McNabb loyalists out there.
But I told you I'd find some birds fans out here. We're everywhere.
Ohmigawd Ohmigawd
It rained last night in Germany. Actual, factual rain. The kind that comes down in water drops. I can't tell you how exciting that was.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Stan
Taking Major Dingus' advice I am indeed joyfully singing today. No more war zones for Capt. Awesome -- I am officially back in Germany, safe and sound.
I'll give you all a full rundown of my fight with customs, including quite possibly the most important event of my entire time in Afghanistan occurring about 20 minutes before I left the country, but not until tomorrow. Now, I'm relaxing happily in a swanky military hotel suite and enjoying the remnants of my first pizza and beer dinner in more than a month. I never thought Corona would taste that good ....
We'll get to the real German beers once I have a little food in my system. I spent about 11 hours on planes over the last two days, and I'm worried that a tall, dark one after my month-long abstinence from alcohol and combined with no food might knock me down for good.
And the Falcons/Patsies replay just came on TV. Could I ask for more?
I could. But for now, this is pretty sweet.
I'll give you all a full rundown of my fight with customs, including quite possibly the most important event of my entire time in Afghanistan occurring about 20 minutes before I left the country, but not until tomorrow. Now, I'm relaxing happily in a swanky military hotel suite and enjoying the remnants of my first pizza and beer dinner in more than a month. I never thought Corona would taste that good ....
We'll get to the real German beers once I have a little food in my system. I spent about 11 hours on planes over the last two days, and I'm worried that a tall, dark one after my month-long abstinence from alcohol and combined with no food might knock me down for good.
And the Falcons/Patsies replay just came on TV. Could I ask for more?
I could. But for now, this is pretty sweet.
Proof of photo skills, part 2
Photo gallery -- lunchtime
They don't look half bad. It almost as if I learned a little bit about how that camera thingie works.
They don't look half bad. It almost as if I learned a little bit about how that camera thingie works.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Phase One of Operation GetOut
I've got a flight headed to Manus in three hours, in what I hope is the first step of my trip back home. There are two more flights into Kyrzygstan tonight, so even if this one gets cancelled I still should be able to get out. I mean ....
<< wait for it >>
<< wait for it >>
... I can't stay down with three flights. Not with three flights.
Hopefully once I get there I'll find some flights to Germany quickly. So stay tuned, and keep your fingers crossed.
<< wait for it >>
<< wait for it >>
... I can't stay down with three flights. Not with three flights.
Hopefully once I get there I'll find some flights to Germany quickly. So stay tuned, and keep your fingers crossed.
Holy Baskett!
Did you see that catch? Did you see that throw?
And can someone explain to me why we've played two pre-season games and no one else in our division has had one yet?
And can someone explain to me why we've played two pre-season games and no one else in our division has had one yet?
Proof of work, part #26
Commanders clarify humvee policy
Pissed off a few folks with a story earlier in the week, so there was a "clarification" press release put out that I had to follow up. Good to know I'm making friends wherever I go.
Pissed off a few folks with a story earlier in the week, so there was a "clarification" press release put out that I had to follow up. Good to know I'm making friends wherever I go.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Last night in town ....
... maybe.
Tomorrow morning I start the quest to find a flight from here back to European civilization. That probably means I won't actually leave for three or four more days, but it also means I'll officially stop trying to get real work done. I've got two more stories in tomorrow's paper, and frankly I've written enough.
And once I'm back in Europe, there should be no other flight issues. After all, international flights from Europe to the U.S. look like they're running as smooth as ever ...
... wait a minute ...
GAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
OK, we'll deal with that headache once we're out of the war zone. One step at a time here.
Tomorrow morning I start the quest to find a flight from here back to European civilization. That probably means I won't actually leave for three or four more days, but it also means I'll officially stop trying to get real work done. I've got two more stories in tomorrow's paper, and frankly I've written enough.
And once I'm back in Europe, there should be no other flight issues. After all, international flights from Europe to the U.S. look like they're running as smooth as ever ...
... wait a minute ...
GAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
OK, we'll deal with that headache once we're out of the war zone. One step at a time here.
Proof of work, part 25
Reporter's notebook: Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy already sent me a note saying that he's registered the domain name sportsaholics.anonymous (or something like that) and is seeking professional help. I told him if anyone ever questions his loyalty as an NFL fan to have them call me, and I'll testify that he's a true football nut.
Of course, I'm not saying he's the greatest football fan in Afghanistan. There was another guy in the room who could name nearly all the starters on the field (Eagles and Raiders) and kept yelling at Jeff Garcia for stinking up the joint....
This guy already sent me a note saying that he's registered the domain name sportsaholics.anonymous (or something like that) and is seeking professional help. I told him if anyone ever questions his loyalty as an NFL fan to have them call me, and I'll testify that he's a true football nut.
Of course, I'm not saying he's the greatest football fan in Afghanistan. There was another guy in the room who could name nearly all the starters on the field (Eagles and Raiders) and kept yelling at Jeff Garcia for stinking up the joint....
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Mom 1, Military 0
Let this be a lesson -- don't doubt Mom's prayers. A freak sandstorm blew in as my flight was scheduled to head down to the last embed, and once it cleared up an electrical problem in an infrared light grounded the helicopter.
The bad news is I spent seven hours on the tarmac with nothing to show for it. The good news is my boss said enough is enough, and told me to stay put until Saturday and then start heading back to Germany. It won't get me home any earlier than the 18th, but it likely will keep me from getting caught in country for longer (a real concern with how unreliable these flights are.)
So I'll spend the next few days seeing if I can file a few more stories and then start looking at flights to Germany (or more likely, a return to Krysyscystan.) And, of course, I'll start setting up the fantasy football league. I think we're up to 11, but there's always room for #12. But you've gotta be able to name the Eagles starting defensive line.
The bad news is I spent seven hours on the tarmac with nothing to show for it. The good news is my boss said enough is enough, and told me to stay put until Saturday and then start heading back to Germany. It won't get me home any earlier than the 18th, but it likely will keep me from getting caught in country for longer (a real concern with how unreliable these flights are.)
So I'll spend the next few days seeing if I can file a few more stories and then start looking at flights to Germany (or more likely, a return to Krysyscystan.) And, of course, I'll start setting up the fantasy football league. I think we're up to 11, but there's always room for #12. But you've gotta be able to name the Eagles starting defensive line.
Proof of work, part 24
New road could lead to new industry for one village
No, I didn't get a chance to see the blue marble. They may have been making it up.
No, I didn't get a chance to see the blue marble. They may have been making it up.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
For the record ...
Just to clear up a few loose ends:
-- Bagram, where I've been for the last week, has nice showers and a laundry room. I'm not saying that I actually qualify as "clean," but I don't smell funny.
-- I'm supposed to travel today, but my flight has already been delayed by 14 hours. Mom has been praying that the flight gets cancelled altogether so that I can start heading back towards home, but so far she has only managed about half of the full-day's delay we'd need for that. Still, don't mess with mom.
-- Despite what I said, I did not see the whole pre-season game. I actually missed about half of the fourth quarter when there was a power outage on base. The lights came back on just in time to see Bruce Perry's concussion. Ugh.
-- I missed Hank Baskett's work too. But let me be the first to say that when he catches his first TD, if Chris Berman doesn't say "And McNabb PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKETT" I'll be very disappointed.
-- Bagram, where I've been for the last week, has nice showers and a laundry room. I'm not saying that I actually qualify as "clean," but I don't smell funny.
-- I'm supposed to travel today, but my flight has already been delayed by 14 hours. Mom has been praying that the flight gets cancelled altogether so that I can start heading back towards home, but so far she has only managed about half of the full-day's delay we'd need for that. Still, don't mess with mom.
-- Despite what I said, I did not see the whole pre-season game. I actually missed about half of the fourth quarter when there was a power outage on base. The lights came back on just in time to see Bruce Perry's concussion. Ugh.
-- I missed Hank Baskett's work too. But let me be the first to say that when he catches his first TD, if Chris Berman doesn't say "And McNabb PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKETT" I'll be very disappointed.
Proof of work, part 23
Afghanistan will have to wait for more armored vehicles
I was supposed to have story #24 today too -- a recap of watching the football game with my AF Niners' friend -- but my moron of an editor screwed it up and threw it away. It's a shame that my whole trip is going to be marred when I get back to Germany and kick his incompetent ass.
I'll see if we can work the football story into a notebook later this week.
I was supposed to have story #24 today too -- a recap of watching the football game with my AF Niners' friend -- but my moron of an editor screwed it up and threw it away. It's a shame that my whole trip is going to be marred when I get back to Germany and kick his incompetent ass.
I'll see if we can work the football story into a notebook later this week.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Proof of work, part 22
Border security still poses problems
I've got some good photos coming up later in the week. This one is awful.
I've got some good photos coming up later in the week. This one is awful.
And no meat sweats in Bagram...
Time for some football-themed “good news, bad news” after last night’s game:
Bad news – I didn’t find any birds fans over here. Very disappointing.
Good news – I did find the game and a Niners fan to watch it with, and we’ll see if I can make a story out of that.
Good news – I got to watch almost the whole game before I needed to get back to work.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks pretty bad.
Bad news – I saw way too much Troy Aikman and Harry Carson during that broadcast.
Good news – I like this new “ronning" game they tried out. Am I spelling that right? Ronning? It’s like passing, but without the passing.
Good news – I got to see a 55-yard Akers field goal and can now identify Timmy Chang as the Eagles’ fourth string QB.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks bad. Really, really bad.
Bad news – I’m moving again tomorrow, so I can’t promise when the next update will come in.
Good news – Only a few days left, and then I’ll be back in the land of pizza and beer planning the Labor Day party.
Bad news – I didn’t find any birds fans over here. Very disappointing.
Good news – I did find the game and a Niners fan to watch it with, and we’ll see if I can make a story out of that.
Good news – I got to watch almost the whole game before I needed to get back to work.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks pretty bad.
Bad news – I saw way too much Troy Aikman and Harry Carson during that broadcast.
Good news – I like this new “ronning" game they tried out. Am I spelling that right? Ronning? It’s like passing, but without the passing.
Good news – I got to see a 55-yard Akers field goal and can now identify Timmy Chang as the Eagles’ fourth string QB.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks bad. Really, really bad.
Bad news – I’m moving again tomorrow, so I can’t promise when the next update will come in.
Good news – Only a few days left, and then I’ll be back in the land of pizza and beer planning the Labor Day party.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Pure torture
I'm sitting outside of the Bagram media center (shack) fighting with my work e-mail, and a bunch of guys from the DEA pulled out a grill and some thick steaks and chicken breasts. The delicious smoke is blowing into my face as I type. And I even though they're cooking five feet away, there's a 10-foot barbed-wire fence between me and the meats, so I've got no shot at stealing dinner.
Not cool. When I get back to Fort Awesome, I'm not sharing any of my grilling with them.
Please don't confuse this kind of torture with the Bagram detention facility across the street from the other side of the media center (shack), where I'm sure there is no torture going on whatsoever.
Not cool. When I get back to Fort Awesome, I'm not sharing any of my grilling with them.
Please don't confuse this kind of torture with the Bagram detention facility across the street from the other side of the media center (shack), where I'm sure there is no torture going on whatsoever.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
More QB controversy
Gee, who would have figured mentioning Dan Marino would send Dad into a crazed rant?
For the record, the five greatest non-Eagles QBs are:
1 -- Joe Montana
2 -- John Elway
3 -- Joe Montana
4 -- Warren Moon
5 -- Steve Young, when he was playing behind Joe Montana
The five greatest Eagles QBs of all time are:
5 -- Jim McMahon
4 -- Ron Jaworski
3 -- Randall Cunningham
2 -- Donovan McNabb
1 -- Brian Dawkins. Don't even question it. You know he could. I have a NHL video game at Fort Awesome that proves he's the greatest hockey center of all time as well. He's a bit short, so he'd come in just behind Jordan in basketball.
For the record, the five greatest non-Eagles QBs are:
1 -- Joe Montana
2 -- John Elway
3 -- Joe Montana
4 -- Warren Moon
5 -- Steve Young, when he was playing behind Joe Montana
The five greatest Eagles QBs of all time are:
5 -- Jim McMahon
4 -- Ron Jaworski
3 -- Randall Cunningham
2 -- Donovan McNabb
1 -- Brian Dawkins. Don't even question it. You know he could. I have a NHL video game at Fort Awesome that proves he's the greatest hockey center of all time as well. He's a bit short, so he'd come in just behind Jordan in basketball.
So sleeeeepy.....
I had a long one today – I was up late watching fireworks between my conservative Soldier of Fortune friend and a liberal author who both hate the media, then got up early to go running around in the mountains with reconstruction teams talking about the importance of retaining walls, then covered a late press conference where I learned that there is a border between Afghanistan and Pakistan.
Nothing in the paper again tomorrow, but I’ll have a few in the first few days next week. More importantly, I found out there will be a football watching party on base early Sunday morning – 4:30 am – so I’ve got the chance of finding actual factual Iggles fans on the other side of the world.
And there will be photos. Oh yes, there will be photos.
Nothing in the paper again tomorrow, but I’ll have a few in the first few days next week. More importantly, I found out there will be a football watching party on base early Sunday morning – 4:30 am – so I’ve got the chance of finding actual factual Iggles fans on the other side of the world.
And there will be photos. Oh yes, there will be photos.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Greatest QB ever
Just so you all know I'm doing OK, even over here I got in a fight about Dan Marino. So the conditions can't be that different from home, right?
For the record, I was on the "Marino is not one of the top five QBs ever" side this time, as opposed to the normal "Dad is insane when he says Marino was a terrible QB" argument that I'm forced into. The conversation quickly turned when my table mate challenged my assertion that Joe Montana was the greatest ever, at which point he was struck down by a group of Afghan youths from the mountains who have never seen a TV but knew Montana's status as a god should not be questioned.
Is football here yet? Please?
For the record, I was on the "Marino is not one of the top five QBs ever" side this time, as opposed to the normal "Dad is insane when he says Marino was a terrible QB" argument that I'm forced into. The conversation quickly turned when my table mate challenged my assertion that Joe Montana was the greatest ever, at which point he was struck down by a group of Afghan youths from the mountains who have never seen a TV but knew Montana's status as a god should not be questioned.
Is football here yet? Please?
Sorta proof of work
Next Afghanistan rotation announced
This isn't really my story -- I didn't write most of it -- but it proves I was awake for at least part of the day yesterday.
This isn't really my story -- I didn't write most of it -- but it proves I was awake for at least part of the day yesterday.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Afghan trivia for $800
Odds and ends from the last few days:
-- Forgot to mention that my trip from Kandahar to Bagram was courtesy of the 143rd Air Wing out of Rhode Island (the Rhode Warriors, as their logo says). The plane was kinda small, but you’d be amazed how many of us they fit in there.
-- I saw “Frankenfish” for sale at the post exchange today. I’m not paying $20 for it, but somebody is.
-- I spent about half the day yesterday with three AP reporters based in Pakistan; two from London, one from Afghanistan, none of whom knew who Matt Lauer is. Today most of the day was spent with a freelancer from Soldier of Fortune who uses a fake name when he writes and looks like Billy Bob Thorton. Tomorrow? Who knows?
-- I didn’t get any real work done today, but I did get a hot shower and saw two more episodes of the Simpsons, so I consider it a success.
-- In succession on TV, I also saw an ad for the Eagles pre-season game, and ad for a Phils/Mets game that’ll be on, and a shot of a boxing match in Philly where they cut away to Pat’s and Geno’s. Now they’re just taunting me.
-- Forgot to mention that my trip from Kandahar to Bagram was courtesy of the 143rd Air Wing out of Rhode Island (the Rhode Warriors, as their logo says). The plane was kinda small, but you’d be amazed how many of us they fit in there.
-- I saw “Frankenfish” for sale at the post exchange today. I’m not paying $20 for it, but somebody is.
-- I spent about half the day yesterday with three AP reporters based in Pakistan; two from London, one from Afghanistan, none of whom knew who Matt Lauer is. Today most of the day was spent with a freelancer from Soldier of Fortune who uses a fake name when he writes and looks like Billy Bob Thorton. Tomorrow? Who knows?
-- I didn’t get any real work done today, but I did get a hot shower and saw two more episodes of the Simpsons, so I consider it a success.
-- In succession on TV, I also saw an ad for the Eagles pre-season game, and ad for a Phils/Mets game that’ll be on, and a shot of a boxing match in Philly where they cut away to Pat’s and Geno’s. Now they’re just taunting me.
Proof of work, part 21
NATO head says tacitcal wins are meaningless
Nothing too exciting, but it was something to keep me busy for a few hours.
Nothing too exciting, but it was something to keep me busy for a few hours.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Everybody loves reruns
Looks like the site is back up -- I have no idea what happened -- and I made it into Bagram today, safe and sound. The flight took a little less than an hour, the trip from the plane to the terminal took five minutes, and the process of transferring my bags from the plane to the terminal took just over 90 minutes.
A normal person would be upset by this. However, in the terminal are two 36-inch flat-screen TVs hooked up to military television, and I saw, back to back, The Simpsons (the “learn to fart” flag episode), The Daily Show (Castro is dying?) and the Colbert Report. You’d be amazed how funny everything is when you’ve seen no TV for several weeks.
It's about 15 degrees cooler, and that loverly dusty wind is back in my life. I’ll be sleeping in Afghan bed #9 tonight, and trying to get to bed #10 in the next few days. We’re almost down to single digits for the trip, so keep those fingers crossed.
A normal person would be upset by this. However, in the terminal are two 36-inch flat-screen TVs hooked up to military television, and I saw, back to back, The Simpsons (the “learn to fart” flag episode), The Daily Show (Castro is dying?) and the Colbert Report. You’d be amazed how funny everything is when you’ve seen no TV for several weeks.
It's about 15 degrees cooler, and that loverly dusty wind is back in my life. I’ll be sleeping in Afghan bed #9 tonight, and trying to get to bed #10 in the next few days. We’re almost down to single digits for the trip, so keep those fingers crossed.
Proof of work, part 20
Notebook: Jokes about getting shot and falling out of planes
They ran that shot huge on the inside of the paper today -- it looks really good, thanks to my dear copy editors back at home.
They ran that shot huge on the inside of the paper today -- it looks really good, thanks to my dear copy editors back at home.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Also in today's paper
Injuries frustrate Fred Taylor, fans: Jacksonville RB hurts hamstring in first practice
Who's ready for the fantasy league? G? You in this year?
Who's ready for the fantasy league? G? You in this year?
Extra protection
I'll be traveling again tomorrow -- up north, then to the east for my last embed of the trip -- so today was spent trying to get all my loose ends tied up. Since there's no proper laptop case or bag for me to put the new machine in, I've resorted to my own bubble of packing material to hopefully keep this thing in one piece for my last few days.
That's a whole mess of packing tape, one layer of flexible styrofoam packaging and two layers of bubble wrap. We'll keep that inside the unreliable backpack, and hope for the best.
It can't go down with three layers of packing stuff on it. Not with three layers.
That's a whole mess of packing tape, one layer of flexible styrofoam packaging and two layers of bubble wrap. We'll keep that inside the unreliable backpack, and hope for the best.
It can't go down with three layers of packing stuff on it. Not with three layers.
Proof of work, part 19
U.S. hands over southern Afghanistan to NATO
It appears to be the same story as yesterday, but if you look close you'll notice this one has pictures. So it's a totally different story.
It appears to be the same story as yesterday, but if you look close you'll notice this one has pictures. So it's a totally different story.
Monday, July 31, 2006
I hope you're all happy
Just saw the details on the Abreu trade -- wonderful move by the Phils. Let's give up a 30-30 all-star outfielder and a crappy pitcher for two crappy pitchers and a shortstop prospect we can't use, because we already have an all-star at short and second. Awesome move. Hope all the Abreu haters who aren't watching the Phils anyways are excited about the future now.
Seriously, getting pitchers from the Yankees is about the dumbest move in the world (well, short of picking up an SS when that's the one position you have). If they had anyone competent in their farm system, they'd be up pitching right now. This was an absolute scam, once again benefitting the Yankees.
Abreu has been unfairly maligned by WIP, because he's a lazy outfielder. And I'm sure over the course of a season, that sub-par play costs them three or four runs. "I want to see my players play hard." Yeah? I want to see them win. None of these nobodies they picked up will help them do that. I'd love to see Manny in Philly -- he'd pick up 130 RBI each year and we'd boo him because of his fielding.
Maybe if Gillick tries real hard he can pick up another shortstop for Ryan Howard. After all, Howard runs to first base kinda slow. I think that shows he's lazy. Let's get rid of the bum.
GAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! Even in Afghanistan the Phills are killing me.
Seriously, getting pitchers from the Yankees is about the dumbest move in the world (well, short of picking up an SS when that's the one position you have). If they had anyone competent in their farm system, they'd be up pitching right now. This was an absolute scam, once again benefitting the Yankees.
Abreu has been unfairly maligned by WIP, because he's a lazy outfielder. And I'm sure over the course of a season, that sub-par play costs them three or four runs. "I want to see my players play hard." Yeah? I want to see them win. None of these nobodies they picked up will help them do that. I'd love to see Manny in Philly -- he'd pick up 130 RBI each year and we'd boo him because of his fielding.
Maybe if Gillick tries real hard he can pick up another shortstop for Ryan Howard. After all, Howard runs to first base kinda slow. I think that shows he's lazy. Let's get rid of the bum.
GAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!! Even in Afghanistan the Phills are killing me.
Proof of work, part 18
NATO handover should mean little for U.S. troops
I told you. 400 words to say "nothing will change."
I told you. 400 words to say "nothing will change."
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Quiet time
Nothing too exciting to post over the last few days, because I've been waiting in Kandahar for the official NATO handover ceremonies to take place tomorrow. It should be a lot of pomp and circumstance signifying very little, and I'll have a 15 inch story that says "nothing will change" in tomorrow's paper.
In the meantime, I've spent the last few days catching up on my pizza eating ($9 for a small pie, but it's Pizza Hut in Afghanistan!) and laundry (more exciting than you think) and sleep (I even bought a pillow). Photos have been slim, but I'll have more to post soon.
And for those of you checking your countdown clocks, we're inside of two weeks left in country.
In the meantime, I've spent the last few days catching up on my pizza eating ($9 for a small pie, but it's Pizza Hut in Afghanistan!) and laundry (more exciting than you think) and sleep (I even bought a pillow). Photos have been slim, but I'll have more to post soon.
And for those of you checking your countdown clocks, we're inside of two weeks left in country.
Proof of work, part 17
I counted. We're up to 17, with at least three more sitting in the queue.
2-4 finally gets its orders
2-4 finally gets its orders
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Thank you, youtube
How else could I get the Colbert Report 8,000 miles away?
By the way, I also like cocaine because it's fun.
By the way, I also like cocaine because it's fun.
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