2010 fantasy recap, week 3

The Phillies clinched their fourth consecutive NL East crown on Monday in Washington (the third time they've clinched the division against the Natinals). The members of this dynasty should be household names, but how many Phillies have actually been on the field for the final out of all four clinching games? And can you name them?

Here's a quick look at the Phillies starting lineup for most of this year, to get you started:

C Carlos Ruiz, 1B Ryan Howard, 2B Chase Utley, SS Jimmy Rollins, 3B Placido Polanco, RF Jason Werth, CF Shane Victorino, LF Raul Ibanez.

Answer later in the post...

QB: Mike Vick, 38.64 pts – sitting on my bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 35.50 pts – started by Jeff
WR: Austin Collie, 35.40 pts – started by Heidi
TE: Dustin Keller, 24.53 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
K: Dan Carpenter, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 29.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Brandon Siler, 10.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Lots of top players on the waiver wire this week (well, there were until Paul grabbed the Seattle D) and Mike Vick is available to anyone for a trade. I just can’t stomach starting that guy. I'm not sure how any responsible coach can...


"RB means running backwards" edition

3rd place: Devin Moore, 0.32 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Toby Gerhart, -0.30 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Chris Ivory, -0.70 pts – sitting on the wire

Pretty good week for defenses, though. Not a single one ended up with negative points. That's the first time no defense out of all 32 teams has lost points since ... c'mon, even I don't keep track of that.

** Both Iowa and Michigan State scored 45 points in their respective wins on Saturday, both impressive totals but only good enough to be tied for fourth place in the Big Ten's offensive performances this weekend. Michigan scored 65 points, Wisconsin scored 70, and Ohio State scored 73 points.

** Speaking of Ohio State, in their win QB Terrell Pryor racked up 224 passing yards and 4 TDs, 104 rushing yards and 1 TD, and 20 receiving yards and 1 TD. That's an impressive 56.7 points for those of you in college football fantasy leagues.

** Delaware won their Saturday match-up against Richmond 34-13 to move to 4-0, but surrendered a TD late in the second quarter of the win. It was the first they'd given up all year, and it made them the last college team in the country -- FBS, FCS, D-II and D-III -- to give up their first six-pointer of the year.

** Next week the 7th-ranked Hens will take on the 3rd-ranked Dukes of James Madison in an FCS showdown game. The Dukes upset Virginia Tech (that Virginia Tech, ranked 13th in the FBS at the time) two weeks ago.


Until further notice, the stupidest thing I hear every week is that gawd-forsaken Dodge Caravan commercial which states "it literally gave birth to all other minivans." That commercial literally makes my ears bleed motor oil. Literally. My doctor at Jiffy Lube is completely baffled. On the plus side, the medical tests only cost $19.99 a visit.

However, the stupidest football thing I heard this week came from the Maryland Racial Slurs radio crew, when Sonny Jurgensen had this exchange with sideline reporter Rick 'Doc' Walker:

Doc: I just don't understand why the Redskins are throwing their simplest defensive packages at the Rams today. Sonny, what do you think?
Sonny: Why are you asking me?
Doc: Well, aren't you watching the defense?
Sonny: I'm not in charge of the defense. I'm up here in the booth. You're the one on the sideline.

You wouldn't think you'd have to remind a Hall of Fame quarterback that reporters don't usually call plays, or remind a radio analyst that it's his job to analyze games. But you apparently don't listen to Washington DC radio.


Former Eagles QB returns to Philly next weekend for the first time as an opponent in Lincoln Financial Field. Here's the latest odds on what his welcome will be, according to bodog.com:

** McNabb gets cheered: 4 to 1 odds
** McNabb gets booed: 2 to 1 odds
** McNabb gets no crowd reaction: 11 to 1 odds
** McNabb gets pelted with bottles: 5 to 1 odds
** McNabb gets awarded the key to the city: 20 to 1 odds
** McNabb gets introduced, Vick gets booed: 3 to 1 odds
** McNabb gets pelted with pieces of Kevin Kolb: 25 to 1 odds
** McNabb gets named the Eagles starting QB: 10 to 1 odds
** McNabb throws up: 3 to 1 odds

Only three Phillies have been on the field for all four clinching outs: Ryan Howard, Chase Utley and Shane Victorino.

Ibanez was signed in 2008, Polanco in 2009. Victorino was actually playing RF in 2007 with Aaron Rowand in CF and Pat Burrell in LF (and Werth on the bench the whole game). C Carlos Ruiz started the game in 2007, but was replaced by C Chris Coste in the 7th (and therefore wasn't on-field for the final out). And SS Jimmy Rollins didn't play in the clincher this week.

And the pitchers? Brett Myers was on the mound for the final out in 2007, Brad Lidge in 2008 and 2009, and Roy Halladay this year.

One of the main storylines this season has been that the Super Bowl will be played in Texas this year, after Cowboys owner Jerry Jones spent billions to build a new stadium in Dallas and thousands more to rebuild his own face. Sports writers have been salivating over the chance of seeing the Cowboys play in the big game at home, but no one has looked at the larger issue of what putting the biggest game of the year in Texas really means to the fans. I present to you the obvious but letter-hidden answer:

Dallas hosts the Super Bowl this season
** Assess: Bastards put show into hellhole **

I think that's a pretty accurate assessment.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

In order from the top, that's a former Awesome Cup Champion, a former Awesome Cup Champion, the reigning Awesome Cup Champion, a two-time Awesome Cup Champion, and Mrs. Awesome. That's a lot of awesome for one set of standings.

** Again I ask: If the wildcat offense was so important all last year, and if Andy Reid insisted that it wasn't disruptive to his quarterbacks, why didn't we see Kevin Kolb take one out of every six snaps in Sunday's Eagles game?

** You have to applaud the Jets integrity. After WR Braylon Edwards was busted for DUI this week, they made him sit on the bench during Sunday night's primetime game ... until the Jets fell behind. Then they immediately put him on the field and tossed him a 67-yard TD pass. Nothing says standing by your morals like ditching them as soon as you get in trouble.

** By the way, Texans RB Arian Foster is still on pace to rush for an NFL-record 2,165 yards this season (406 yards through three games). I'm just saying...

** Bye weeks start this week, kids. Don't forget to get those rosters in order, because the Andy Reid blown call of the week is still lurking out there.

2010 fantasy recap, week 2

Andy Reid announced Tuesday that Mike Vick is the Eagles' starter "for the foreseeable future" because he gives the team the best chance to win. And thus ends the illustrious Kevin Kolb era in Philadelphia, sooner than many predicted but still notable for all of his achievements. Before we close the book on Kolb's career as the Eagles' signal caller, let's take a look back at some of the highlights:

** Sept. 12, 1:00 pm -- Kolb makes his first appearance as the Eagles' full-time starter in their 2010 opener.
** Sept. 12, 1:05 pm -- Kolb makes his first completion as starter, a 5 yard pass to WR Jeremy Maclin.
** Sept. 12, 1:15 pm -- Kolb leads the Eagles on his first scoring drive as starter, a 45-yard field goal.
** Sept. 12, 1:34 pm -- Kolb is nearly picked off by the Green Bay defense, but on replay the pass is determined to be incomplete.
** October 2007 -- Kolb is sentenced to two years in jail and suspended from the NFL. It's not for smuggling drugs into an airport, or for cursing out and flipping off his own fans, or for infecting a woman he picked up with herpes. It's for running a high-cost dogfighting ring and brutally killing animals that failed to perform. At least I think that was Kolb. I know it was an Eagles quarterback.
** Sept. 12, 2:17 pm -- Kolb gets a concussion on an incomplete pass near the end of the first half. He does not return to the game.

Hopefully the Eagles new starter can provide us with just as many fond memories.

QB: Matt Schaub, 38.06 pts -- started by Paul
RB: Javid Best, 45.07 pts -- sitting on Joel's bench
WR: Andre Johnson, 28.53 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Antonio Gates, 20.80 -- started by NewMike
K: Mike Nugent, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 30.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: James Harrison, 15.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Poor, poor Joel -- Last week he had Arian Foster and his 42.57 pts on the bench, and this week he benched Best to put Foster in the starting lineup. Those two moves alone have cost him 63 pts so far, enough to jump him from 11th place to first. If you're planning for other leagues next week, make sure to start Ray Rice. He's the next RB that Joel will bench in an attempt to get this right.

"QBs who stink" edition

3rd place: Billy Volek, -0.10 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd place: Max Hall, -1.38 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st place: Vince Young, -2.16 pts -- sitting on Paul's bench

Two of those guys are former starters for the Tennessee Titans. One of those guys is an air conditioning setting for a spacious elementary school.

Despite another solid performance by Texans RB Arian Foster, the Houston franchise has not responded to nationwide calls to start printing "Arian Nation" T-shirts (perhaps with a combo Longhorns and swastika logo?) It's not the first T-shirt that the team has opted not to back, citing ridiculous "good taste" regulations. Here are a few others:

** Get ready for a Schaub job (with a picture of QB Matt Schaub)
** Nice Rackers (with a picture of K Neil Rackers)
** More Cushing for the Pushing (with a picture of LB Brian Cushing)
** You can't touch our Johnson (with a picture of WR Andre Johnson)
** We can actually make the playoffs (with a picture of the team)

On Sunday night, during the Colts/Giants game, color commentator Chris Collingsworth was talking about Peyton and Eli Manning when he noted "it doesn't take long to figure out these two are brothers -- just look at how they throw the ball."

I had actually been tipped off to that fact by their nearly-identical faces and the name "Manning" on the back of their jerseys, but I'm a pretty careful football watcher. Most newbies probably didn't notice that.

We cover this every year, but it's always my favorite stat. The way the NFL calculates it's quarterback rating is much like the SATs, with points added for good plays and points deduced for poor plays. If you simply throw one ball into the ground, your base QB rating is actually 39.6, not zero. So it's possible to do worse than completing zero passes for zero yards.

With all that in mind, here's where you stack up against some pro quarterbacks who played this weekend:

** Brett Favre: 225 yds, 3 INTs (44.3 rating)
** Jason Campbell: 87 yds, 1 INT (42.9 rating)
** Derek Anderson: 161 yds, 2 INTs (42.5 rating)
** You: 0 yds (39.6 rating)
** Trent Edwards: 102 yds, 2 INTs (37.0 rating)
** Jimmy Clausen: 59 yds, 1 INT (33.8 rating)
** Joe Flacco: 154 yds, 1 TD, 4 INTs (23.8 rating)
** Max Hall: 3 yds, 1 INT (16.8 rating)

By the way, Clausen will make about $2.8 million this year and Flacco about $2.5 million. And you were a better quarterback than both of them this week.

Sometimes, when I look at players names, I can see certain words like "hate" or "fail" or "turd" that make it easy to do these anagrams. But, when you see a name like new Dallas rookie Akwasi Owusu-Ansah, the words are so unpronounceable that it seems impossible to figure out what they spell out. Then, suddenly, it all comes together:

Dallas Cowboys kick/punt returner Akwasi Owusu-Ansah
** Kick us: That is so awkward/unpronounceable. Slur away. **

You have to admit you never thought I'd get "unpronounceable" out of one of these.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Don't worry, that won't last for long.

** If running the Wildcat is so important to Andy Reid when Kevin Kolb is the starting QB, why wasn't backup Mike Kafka used at all on Sunday when QB Mike Vick started?

** We're two weeks in, but Dad and I are still tied in the weekly picks. Tampa Bay is 2-0 in games so far this season, and I'm 0-2 in accurately picking how Tampa Bay will perform so far.

** FYI, Reggie Bush broke his leg and is out for six weeks. I'm not a doctor, but I would have guessed against him healing in time to go out trick-or-treating this year.

** The Eagles haven't been happy with RB Mike Bell so far, so they've signed RB Joique Bell to help with rushing duties. Apparently they don't know that people with other last names are available. As a result, Hank Baskett got released for the 37th time. And this week's failed onside kick recovery wasn't even his fault.

2010 fantasy recap, week 1

** Colts QB Peyton Manning is on pace to throw for 7,088 yards this season (443 passing yards on Sunday). That would break the NFL record of 5,084 by more than 2,000 yards.

** In his second season in the league Texans RB Arian Foster is on pace to rush for 3,696 yards this season (231 rushing yards on Sunday). That would break the NFL record of 2,105 by more than 1,500 yards.

** Panthers QB Matt Moore is on pace to turn the ball over 64 times this season (three INTs, one lost fumble on Sunday). That would break the not only the individual but also the team record for turnovers in a season, which sits at 63.

** The New England Patriots are on pace to score 32 TDs on defense and special teams this year (one INT return, one kickoff return). For comparison, the San Francisco 49ers are on pace to score no TDs this season (zero TDs on Sunday).

** After losing a heartbreaker on Sunday, the Detroit Lions are on pace to go 0-16 this season. That wouldn't be anything new.

QB: Peyton Manning, 35.32 pts -- started by NewMike
RB: Arian Foster, 42.57 pts -- sitting on Joel's bench
WR: Chad Ochocinco, 28.60 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Dallas Clark, 22.33 pts -- started by Joel
K: John Kasay, 13.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Seattle, 22.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
D: DeAngelo Hall, 14.50 pts -- sitting on the wire

Of the seven top performers there, three played in the Texans/Colts game on Sunday. None played in the Eagles/Packers game. But the Philly contest did have the three biggest injuries of the weekend (QB Kevin Kolb, RB Ryan Grant, FB Leonard Weaver), so it has that going for it.

"Skill" players edition

3rd place: Eldra Buckley, -0.33 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd place: Shaun Hill, -0.38 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st place: Correll Buckhalter, -0.50 pts -- sitting on the wire

Poor C-Buck. He only picked up 15 yards rushing and fumbled the ball away in the second quarter. Still, his poor performance was still more impressive than his former backfield mate Brian Westbrook, who did not appear in the 49ers loss this week. Everyone who thought Buckhalter would be an NFL starter longer than Westbrook, raise your hand. Now put it back down. You liar.

New Eagles QB Kevin Kolb had a miserable debut as the team's full-time starter on Sunday -- He was 5 for 10 for 24 yards, with a mere QB rating of 56.3 (and 1 rushing yard), before leaving the game with a concussion. How does that stack up against other Eagles' QBs in their first game as the starter?

** Donovan McNabb (Sept. 3, 2000):
130 pass yards, 1 TD, 2 INT, 51.2 rating; 29 rush yards, 1 rush TD
** Doug Pederson (Sept. 12, 1999):
91 pass yards, 2 TD, 2 INT, 48.7 rating; 21 rush yards
** Bobby Hoying (Sept. 6, 1998):
60 pass yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, 29.1 rating; 13 rush yards
** Ty Detmer (Aug. 31, 1997):
103 pass yards, 0 TD, 0 INT, 49.3 rating; 20 rush yards
** Rodney Peete (Sept. 1, 1996):
269 pass yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, 91.4 rating; 10 rush yards

There you have it -- despite only playing a half, Kolb had the best debut by a new Eagles starter since Peete. And we all know how well that turned out in the end.

Before the games started on Sunday, one of the news update announcers for local ESPN 980 said that Sunday's game in Philadelphia "would be the first for the Eagles without Donovan McNabb." Ignoring the obvious stupidity of that statement (The Eagles were playing for 43 years before McNabb was born), the Eagles were "without McNabb" for two games last year. He's missed at least one game due to injury five of the last six years. And if everyone insisted that Kevin Kolb's first preseason start was some sort of official changing of the guard, then they've been "without McNabb" since the start of August.

So I thought that was going to be the stupidest thing I heard all Sunday. But during the Eagles game, announcer Joe Buck told me that Kolb wants to be a volunteer firefighter. Then analyst Troy Aikman commented, "If he sticks around in Philly, there will be plenty of fires to put out." Then Buck and Aikman both laughed. Loudly. Manically. Either they were both so high that this non-joke seemed hilarious, or the two of them have been setting random blazes around Philly without getting caught for years. Either way, the two of them should be put in jail for the good of humanity.

Late Sunday night the Cowboys were trailing the Maryland Racial Slurs 13-7 with just three seconds left when QB Tony Romo tossed the game-tying touchdown pass … only to have it called back on an offensive holding penalty. Game over, Cowboys lose.

It’s just the first game of a long season, but the loss joins the ranks of some of the most embarrassing late-game failures in Dallas football history. Here are some of the other golden moments:

** Jan. 6, 2007: Seahawks 21, Cowboys 20
With a minute left and the ball at the one-yard-line, the Cowboys lined up for a chip-shot field goal to win their first playoff game in a decade. But Romo – in as the place-holder – bobbled the snap, then tumbled just short of the end zone as Dallas lost the game.

** Sept. 8, 2002: Texans 19, Cowboys 10
The expansion team stunned the heavily favored Cowboys in their first official NFL game. Rookie QB David Carr tossed a 65-yard TD at the start of the fourth to break a 10-10 tie, and the Houston defense sacked Dallas QB Quincy Carter in the end zone for a safety with under three minutes left to seal the contest.

** Dec. 10, 1995: Eagles 20, Cowboys 17
Yep, the Groundhog Day game. Late in the fourth quarter, Dallas coach Barry Switzer opted to try and convert a fourth-and-one at their own 29-yard line. The Eagles defense stuffed Emmitt Smith, but the officials ruled after the fact that the two minute warning nullified the play. Undaunted, Switzer called the same play again, and the Eagles stopped them again. They kicked the game-winning field goal four plays later.

** Nov. 25, 1993: Dolphins 16, Cowboys 14
In a Thanksgiving classic, the Dolphins trailed by a point in the waning moments of the game. Their 41-yard field goal attempt was blocked, but as the Cowboys celebrated their win DT Leon Lett inexplicably tried to pick up the loose ball. His swat at the pigskin made it a live ball, and the Dolphins eventually recovered. With just seconds left, they connected on their second field goal try.

** Dec. 16, 1989: Giants 15, Cowboys 0
The Giants didn’t manage a single touchdown, but they still beat their division rivals by more than two TDs. The Cowboys had the ball at the one-yard line with minutes left in the game, but were stopped on four consecutive tries to preserve the shutout.

It's a new season, so it's time to look at the new faces on everyone's least favorite team. What does the boys' supposed star rookie have to say for himself?

** Cowboys wideout Dez Bryant **
Zero talent dud. Swab daily.

Ewww... Not only does he stink at football, apparently he also actually stinks. Why else would he have to get swabbed every day?

Everyone on that team is just so disgusting...

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Tough week for Paul and Anthony, but a great opening for Jeff. The year he won the Awesome Cup he was in first almost wire-to-wire. Can he do it again?

No, probably not. But it's a good first week either way.

** The worst part of Kolb's injury on Sunday is that it if they use backup Mike Vick, that leaves the Eagles with a inaccurate QB who has never been fully embraced by the fans and who doesn't want to be seen as a running quarterback despite his obvious skills there. So, he's basically McNabb with a criminal record. Great roster management, guys.

** Best football joke this week: "A Mexican reporter has accused the Jets of harrassing and abusing her during practice this week. But the Baltimore Ravens said they found nothing harrassing or abusing about the Jets offense on Monday night."

** Brett Farve: Still not retired.

** The Phillies 2011 schedule came out today -- They open up at home against the Houston Astros on April 1. Get your tickets now. Might as well put in an order for the Flyers 2012 season opener now too.

2010 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

All the draft picks are in, so it’s time for my fearless predictions:

Heidi’s team (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
Breakdown: Heidi’s team actually looks half-decent, but we’ll be rooting against her all year. Starting QB: Tony Romo. Starting WR: Dez Bryant. Backup RB: Felix Jones. She’s the Dallas Defense away from being Jerry Jones. So, best of luck to everyone this year, except for Heidi. Hope you only score 20 points all year. Nothing personal.

Farve Dollar Footlongs (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800 pts
Breakdown: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the homer team of the year! QB Kevin Kolb, WR DeSean Jackson and TE Brent Celek all have a home with Anthony’s team, as does former FB and current Falcons DE Dan Klecko. Expect Anthony to cut QB Eli Manning to pick up WR Fred Barnett or Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins in the coming days.

The Tebow Connection (Joel)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
Breakdown: I want to put Joel’s team higher – QB Joe Flacco, RB Ray Rice and TE Vernon Davis look like a great trio of power. But if Joel’s team does well it’ll mean I’ll have to talk about the rest of his team in the weekly recaps: WR Devin Aromashodu, RB Javid Best, WR Steve Breaston. I don’t need ridiculous names here, kids. I write all my own jokes.

Springfield Atoms (Bob)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
Breakdown: Bob drafted both the Eagles Defense and Terrell Owens. I feel like there’s a cathartic reality show involved there, but I just can’t put my finger on it. He also got QB Aaron Rodgers (who’ll end up as the top points scorer overall this year) and WRs Charles Johnson and the other Steve Smith, but I just can’t rank a T.O. team any higher than this.

Obama’s Kenyan Birth (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
Breakdown: Jim drafted two Fs (Finley, Jermichael and Forsett, Justin), three Cs (Carson Palmer, CJ Spiller and Colson, Marques) but only one A (Austin, Miles). Where I’m from, that’s not a good GPA. Also, I hate Miles Austin. And I decided Andre Johnson didn’t count because it messed up my joke.

Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
Breakdown: If this was 2006 Dad would be the clear favorite, because QB Jay Cutler, WR Randy Moss, RB Michael Turner, WR Steve Smith, and RB Thomas Jonees were all studs just a few years ago. But it’s not, and he won’t end up separating from the middle of the pack. On the plus side, his team isn’t weighed down by any Eagles, so it shouldn’t be a miserable season in the end.

Stay Puft Haynesworth (NewMike)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
Breakdown: Our reigning champ’s draft result relies too much on last year’s Super Bowl losers, with QB Peyton Manning and WR Pierre Garcon leading his team. WR Wes Welker and TE Antonio Gates are fine players, but his RBs are just terrible. Plus, he managed to draft Asante Samuel, meaning even if he gets close to the top spot in the standings he won’t be able to grab it and wrestle it to the ground.

I’m on a Horse (ChampMike)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
Breakdown: I can’t in good conscience put a team coached by Mike any lower than this, but after RB Chris Johnson, QB Phillip Rivers and RB Cedric Benson there’s not much else here. Dwane Bowe, Derrick Mason and Roy Williams all at WR is the definition of the NFL’s all-mediocre team. And if we have an unseasonably warm September Mike could get off to a rough start, because his backup QB is all-pro heat exhaustion expert Donovan McNabb.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
Breakdown: Listen to me closely: Don’t sleep on Jeff this year. Our league’s favorite doormat is a one-time Awesome Cup Champion, and his team looks great on paper right now. WRs Roddy White, Larry Fitzgerald, Chad Ochocinco and Donald Driver are all worth starters, and RB Adrian Peterson should lead the league in rushing this year. The only problem with his team? QB Brett Favre could retire at any time, leaving him rudderless.

West Coast Westy (Capt. Awesome)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
Breakdown: If you’re looking for RBs, here’s where they ended up. Stephen Jackson, Rashard Mendenhall, Brandon Jacobs, LeSean McCoy, and Jerome Harrison all fell to me (along with Comcast spokesman Tom Brady) while you people picked up competent wideouts. Fools. Andy Reid can tell you a reliable passing game never wins championships in the end.

I heart WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
Breakdown: Paul was my preseason pick to win the league last year, and that pressure killed his almost from the get-go in 2009. So, because I’m a vengeful person, I’m picking him again to do well. QB Matt Schaub and RB Frank Gore are studs, and the rest of his RB corps is solid. But for someone who lives WRs so much, his crew seems weak: Mike Sims Walker, Malcolm Floyd and Devin Hester aren’t scaring anyone. Looks like he’ll have to win with his ground game for a change.

I Love Me Some Me (Joanner)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
Breakdown: Jo doesn’t have that pesky pregnancy holding her back anymore, and she’s followed up her third-place finish last year with a solid all-around draft. QB Drew Brees, RB Ryan Grant and WR Anquan Boldin make up the best starting three in the league, and Jonathan Stewart and Matt Forte on the bench both should be fantasy surprises this year. On the negative side, she did draft Clinton Portis, which might be enough for her to forfeit right away just out of spite.

OK, kids – get those rosters ready for Thursday night, when the first game starts. Good luck to everyone (except Heidi).

More Eagles items on Ebay

I know you're getting ready for the football season, but do you have all the supplies you need? Here's a quick look at some of the essentials available on Ebay for Eagles fans right now:

Terrell Owens Jersey, Youth Medium ($7.99)
It's a steal for his return stint with the Eagles in 2011, when Mike Vick is the starting QB and Osama Bin Laden is signed at WR.

Philadelphia Eagles pumpkin carving kit ($5.99)
Includes six different patterns, but only five include the Eagles logo or name. But it's never too early to get ready for Halloween.

Five-foot tall fake Eagles mascot ($330.99)
I have no idea what team uses this mascot, but it's not the Eagles. Maybe it's the Palo Alto Pencil-Eraser Birds?

Game-worn Brian Westbrook trading card ($0.99)
I can only assume that Westbrook wore the card after one of his concussions, because nothing in that phrase makes any sense.

Philadelphia Eagles painted quarters ($14.99)
Set of three includes McNabb, Owens, Westbrook. From the seller: "If a die hard Eagles Fan can see none of these players play for them anymore great item good luck."

Four tickets to the Eagles/Vikings game ($3,515.60)
For the same price as a used car you could get up close with Minnesota QB Brett Favre ... provided he doesn't retire again between now and December.

Eagles wedding garter ($9.99)
Of course, if you throw this at your wedding, there's always the danger Asante Samuel will appear and tackle someone. I'm just kidding. Samuel never tackles anyone.

2010 Fantasy Football draft order

Get ready, kids. Everybody is signed up for the return of the "Who needs linebackers?" fantasy league, and of course you're all familiar with the draft rules. So, with everyone's proxy assembled at Fort Awesome, let's select the draft order for this season.

Good luck to all, and the first name being pulled from the Eagles' skull cap is ...

12 -- West Coast Westy (Capt. Awesome)
        Son of a ... really? I've got to rearrange these draft rules next year. In response to getting the worst pick possible, my proxy, a dancing Eagles hamster, remains silent and furry. Let no one say that this process is rigged.
        The next name out of the hat goes to...

11 -- Why Can't Us (Ant)
        Just a bit of bad luck for Anthony, who would have picked 8th in a traditional draft order. But the good news is that Ladanian Tomlinson will probably still be available here, since he always ends up drafting him. His proxy, a Donovan McNabb bobble head doll, vomits in response. In fairness, it's been pretty hot in this room.
        Next pick goes to...

10 -- StayPuft Haynesworth (New Mike)
        Our reigning champ gets a slightly higher pick than expected, but that might be bad news. He won the league picking 13th last year. We only have 12 teams this year, because per league policy our last place finisher was executed at season's end in January. Mike's representative, a fluffy white pillow, lays on the floor apathetic in response, much like Albert Hanyesworth.
        Moving on, the next name appearing is...

9 -- I Love Me Some Me (Joanner)
        At word of the news Joanna's proxy, Junior Awesome, promptly cries and fills his diaper. I remind him that his mother just picked out my name dead last. He reminds me that it's my turn to change his diaper by yelling louder.
        After a slight diaper delay, we're back to picking and the next slot goes to...

8 -- I Heart WRs (Paul)
        Paul's pick comes in ... exactly where he finished last year. How dull. Sort of like the Eagles' first-string preseason offense. Paul's proxy, a mini-level sitting on my desk, remains perfectly and uninterestingly balanced.
        Next name out of the hat belongs to...

7 -- Jonathan's PopPop (Dad)
        Bad news to everyone picking after #7 -- you no longer have any shot of picking up Kevin Kolb, who is already one of the top four QBs all-time according to my father (behind John Elway, Dan Marino and Koy Detmer, of course). Dad's representative, a green teddy bear signaling touchdown, signals touchdown in response. Apparently, he doesn't know that a TD is only worth 6 before the extra point.
        Our next selection goes to lucky player ...

6 -- Heidi's team (Heidi)
        Hoepfully that name is just a placeholder, but the pick is for sure now. Our only player to be banned a season for steroids will pick right in the middle of the pack. Heidi's proxy, a bottle of NyQuil, remains green and angry, vowing revenge on all who dare challenge it.
        Moving along quickly, the next name is ...

5 -- Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
        Tough break for Bob, who would have gotten the third pick in a most just system. Instead of getting Ray Rice he'll be forced to swallow another year of Frank Gore. Bob's proxy, an elderly gentleman on Pawn Stars trying to sell his 18th century rifle, is devastated by the news that his gun is actually a fake. The news of the #5 pick doesn't seems to affect him at all, however.
        Back in the hat, and the next slip pulled out belongs to...

4 -- Obama's Kenyan Birth (Jim)
        Jim finished uncharacteristically poorly last year, but even with a pick this high still probably won't pick an RB with his first pick. But despite that character flaw I appreciate that Jim each year tries to class up the joint with some political humor. His representative, a copy of the Constitution on our bookshelf, weeps at both the pick slot and the team name.
        Only three players left, and the next one out of the hat is ...

3 -- The Tebow Connection (Joel)
        Am I the only one who has been singing non-stop since Joel first posted his team name? "Why aren't there many more songs about Tebow/ And how he's such a swell guy? / Someday we'll find it / The Tebow Connection / The lovers, the Broncos, and meeeee." Joel's proxy, Elmo's First Book of Colors, smiles approvingly. Ironically, orange doesn't come up until the last page of the book.
        Two names left, and the first-runner up goes to ...

2 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
        The beautiful thing about presason is that every fan believes this could be the year their team wins it all ... even Jeff's team, which usually suffers a heroic string of bad luck and bad management to end up at the bottom each year. His proxy, one of my blue dress shirts, falls off a hanger and crumples in response to the pick.
        That leaves just one player left, so congrats to...

1 -- I'm on a Horse (Champ Mike)
        Our only two-time Awesome Cup champion scores another minor victory, moving up five spots in the draft order to grab the first overall pick. He doesn't need the extra help, but something tells me he's not going to complain about it either. His proxy, a stuffed panda, waits menicingly for the inveitable bloodbath to come.

That's it folks. Everybody get your draft order set, and I'll flip the switch on Sept. 1. That gives you all a week and a day to get your affairs in order. Remember that whoever drafts Tony Romo automatically gets the preseason last place ranking. Any other questions, you know where to find me.

Proposed Kolb grading system

Sure, you could just look at the Eagles record to decide how well new QB Kevin Kolb is playing. But what fun would that be? What we need here is a set of statistical criteria to judge every aspect of Kolb’s game against how the Maryland Racial Slurs’ new QB (Donovan McNabb) is doing, and then determine a clear and completely arbitrary winner. In fact, we should do that every single week, constantly evaluating and second-guessing Kolb’s entire career.

So, let’s see what we’ve got from the first set of preseason games:

---------------------------------------------
QB Rating: Point to McNabb
Kolb 83.5, McNabb 124.0

Completion percentage: Point to McNabb
Kolb 6/11, McNabb 5/8

Yards: Point to Kolb
Kolb 95, McNabb 58

TDs: Point to McNabb
Kolb 0, McNabb 1

Turnovers: Push
Kolb 0, McNabb 0

Rushing Yards: Point to Kolb
Kolb 15, McNabb 1

Team offensive points: Point to McNabb
Kolb 6, McNabb 7

Team win: Push
Kolb Yes, McNabb Yes

Result: McNabb 4, Kolb 2, Push 2.
Results for the year: McNabb leads 1-0 (preseason)
---------------------------------------------

Keep in mind that this is still the preseason, so I may tweak the formula before the regular season recaps begin.

Same as it ever was

A look at the Phillies, through 111 games:

Starting rotation
2009 – Lee, Happ, Martinez, Moyer, Hamels
2010 – Halladay, Oswalt, Blanton, Kendrick, Hamels

Infield
2009 – Howard, Utley, Rollins, Feliz
2010 – Sweeney, Valdez, Rollins, Polanco

Road record
2009 – 34 wins, 19 losses
2010 – 26 wins, 30 losses

Runs scored
2009 – 585
2010 – 524

All Stars
2009 – Five (Howard, Utley, Ibanez, Victorino, Werth)
2010 – Two (Howard, Halladay)

Record
2009 – 63-48
2010 – 62-49

So, one year later, we’ve had three controversial pitcher trades, a complete replacement of the bench, major injuries to half the team … and we’re back to the exact same spot. Yay?

Office turnover

Since K David Akers joined the Eagles 11 years ago, he’s had 246 different co-workers on the playing field alongside him (not including coaches and trainers). His oldest co-worker, QB Donovan McNabb, had been with him since 1999 but was traded from the team in the off-season.

Here’s a closer look at the cast of characters he’s toiled alongside since his start as an Eagles employee:

** 11 different QBs have taken snaps in games (or at least in practice) for the Eagles over that span. They are (in descending order of skill) Donovan McNabb, Jeff Garcia, A. J. Feeley, Koy Detmer, Michael Vick, Jeff Blake, Mike McMahon, Doug Pederson, Andy Hall, Tim Hasselbeck and Kevin Kolb.

** 22 different RBs have taken a hand-off since then, most notably Duce Staley and Brian Westbrook. But the list also includes luminaries like Amp Lee, Eric Bieniemy, Rod ‘He Hate Me’ Smart, Darnell Autry, and someone named Eric McCoo.

** The team has employed 33 different offensive linemen but 45 unique defensive linemen – unusual, since a typical defense features just four linemen and a typical offense five.

** The Eagles have employed three other kickers – Jose Cortez, Norm Johnson and Todd France – during Akers stay but needed seven other punters. They include Dirk Johnson, Sean Landeta and Sav Rocca, but also some guy named Reggie Hodges.

** 32 different linebackers have taken the field during the span. Only three were good: Jeremiah Trotter, Ike Reese and William Thomas. Among those who were not: Mike Labinjo, Pago Togafau, Torrance Daniels.

** Only two players of the 246 were listed before Akers in the Eagles' alphabetical roster over that time frame: LB Keith Adams and DE Victor Abiamiri.

** The team has gone through 28 different WRs over that span, but only three have posted a 1,000-yard season: Terrell Owens in 2004, Kevin Curtis in 2007 and DeSean Jackson in 2009. Surprisingly, that list does not include great wideouts like Dietrich Jells, Billy McMullen or Na Brown.

The Eagles invited 21 rookies to training camp this year and 8 other new veterans, so it looks like Akers will be making more new friends soon.

Excited about football

I'll be the first to admit it: I didn't think I'd be psyched about football this year, but as soon as this week rolled around I found myself desperate to see the boys back on the field again. Why? Consider the following:

1 -- This team is nothing but young talent. The squad has 16 key players under 30, and a handful more who just hit that magic number.

2 -- The Philly defense still has some major holes, but the offense already looks to be coming along just fine. That doesn't necessarily mean more wins, but it does make for some exciting shootouts.

3 -- The fan base has already been rabid, and there's no reason to think that they're going to calm down anytime soon.

4 -- The playoffs are a real possibility. When you look at the other teams in their division, none of them have a clear edge. Sure, it'll take some luck, but it's not an impossible climb up to a playoff slot.

I know a lot of folks are pessimistic looking ahead, but don't count me among them. Football is back for good this week, and it should be a time for excitement throughout Philadelphia.

It all starts on Saturday, when the MLS All-Star break wraps up and the Philadelphia Union retake the field to start the second half of the football season. Who would have thought their inaugural season could be this exciting?

Join or Die, baby. Join or Die.

Wait, you thought I was talking about these jerks? Hell no. Nothing about this NFL season looks like fun.

Thanks again, Eagles

Every day, on my way to work, I pass by this bus stop just a block from my office. Last Friday they changed the ad on the side of it:


So now I'll get to see that every day until September.

Thanks again, Eagles. This is gonna be a great football season. Excuse me for a moment while I wretch in the corner.

Fun with video

If you missed it, this was inspired by this much better post.

He's going the distance...

Just another FYI chart -- click on the image to make it bigger.

Trying to be relentlessly positive

Chase Utley could be out for several weeks with a thumb injury. The last time the Phillies lost their all-star 2B to an extended injury was 2007 ... when the Phillies staged a late-season rally to win their division.

The Phillies were 3.5 games out starting Tuesday. The last time they were that far out after June 1 was in June 2009 ... when the Phillies staged a late-season rally to win their division.

Jimmy Rollins has already missed 57 games this year. The last season he missed more than 30 games was 2008 ... when the Phillies staged a late-season rally to win their division.

The Phillies have already been shut out seven times this season. The last time they were shut out that many times in one year was 2009 ... when the Phillies staged a late-season rally to win their division.

Just saying ...

My annual pilgrimage

Yes, I was at this game. On a positive note, I got some fun pictures.

Your Philadelphia sports life

Click on the timeline to make it bigger.
Look, I know the Flyers loss was a little painful, but let's look at the positives: The chart above shows that we're in possibly the best pro sports stretch of our lives (well, at least since I've understood baseball.)

I don't want to be picky, but ...

The Flyers have had an amazing season; They're facing a do-or-die game six in the Stanley Cup Finals; They became the first #7 seed ever to host the conference championships; they became only the fourth professional sports franchise to come back from a 3-0 series deficit; and they did all this after qualifying for the playoffs after a shootout win on the very last day of the regular season.

So, ESPN ... ... do you think you could finally update the Flyers team page on your site to include a picture of Briere in a Flyers uniform? He hasn't worn the Buffalo black and gold since 2007.

Thanks. And let's go Flyers.

Perfection in Philly sports, 1964-present

June 21, 1964 -- Phillies pitcher Jim Bunning pitches a perfect game in New York against the Mets. The win, in which Bunning recorded 10 Ks, puts him at 7-2 for the season thus far.

Nov. 21, 1967 -- Flyers G Bernie Parent records his first career perfect game, a 3-0 shutout of the Montreal Candieans. Parent would record 50 total shutouts in his Flyers career.

Oct. 14, 1979 -- The Flyers defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs 4-3 in the first of 35-straight games without a loss, a record of perfection which still stands today.

May 1983 -- The Sixers sweep the Knicks in the first round of the NBA playoffs and the Lakers in the finals, but lose one game to the Bucks in their second round series and finish the postseason an imperfect 12-1.

Dec. 22, 1991 -- After completing a 24-22 win over the Washington Redskins, the Eagles defense (anchored by Reggie White and Jerome Brown) finishes the seas ranked #1 against the run, #1 against the pass, and #1 overall.

March 2, 2004 -- The St. Joe's Hawks defeat St. Bonaventure 82-50 to finish the regular season 27-0, the last Division I basketball program to post a perfect regular season.

Dec. 19, 2004 -- The Eagles finish the NFC East regular season with a 12-7 win over the Dallas Cowboys, completing a perfect 6-0 division schedule. They follow it up in 2005 with a 0-6 record.

Sept. 23, 2007 -- Eagles QB Donovan McNabb records a perfect QB rating, 158.3, in a 56-21 victory over the Lions. McNabb threw for 381 yards and four TDs.

May 29, 2010 -- Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitches a perfect game in Florida against the Marlins. The win, in which Halladay recorded 11 Ks, puts him at 7-3 for the season thus far.

Happy Birthday, G

He keeps getting older, but his birthday cards remain timeless.

Fun facts about the Flyers

Learn about your favorite team before they head off to the Stanley Cup Finals!

C Jeff Carter -- At 6-3 and 200 pounds, he is roughly the same size as Cole Hamels.

G Michael Leighton -- He has started in goal for 10 different teams in the last 10 years, including the Windsor Spitfires and Albany River Rats. Up until this year, he had a winning record with four of them.

D Oskars Bartulis -- He is a member of the Flyers roster.

LW Ville Leino -- His first name is Finnish, meaning "a strong willed, helmed man." He does, in fact, wear a helmet.

C Mike Richards -- He has a gold medal from when Sidney Crosby beat the US Hockey team in the Olympics, and yet we still love him.

LW Simon Gagne -- He is not dead.

LW Daniel Carcillo -- He collected over 200 penalty minutes this season, meaning he sat in the box for more than three whole games.

D Chris Pronger -- He is, in fact, a Canadian.

Tough choices

Since we’re faced with another bonanza of Philly sports tonight, here’s a handy guide to what you should be watching. Simply answer the easy questions below and total up your scoresheet to see which Philadelphia success story deserves air time on your nearest TV:

** Is it the NHL playoffs? (If yes, +1 Flyers)
** Is it the MLB playoffs? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Is Simon Gagne playing? (Yes, +1 Flyers)
** Is Simon Gagne hurt but playing? (Yes, +2 Flyers)
** Is Simon Gagne dead? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Is Roy Halladay pitching for the Phils? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Is Kyle Kendrick in goal for the Flyers? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Have the Phillies scored double-digits yet? (Yes, +1 Flyers)
** Have the Flyers chased the other goalie? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Are the Flyers down 3-0 in a game seven? (Yes, +2 Flyers)
** Are the Phillies lighting up Johan Santana? (Yes, +2 Phillies)
** Are the Flyers playing Pittsburgh? (Yes, +1 Flyers)
** Are the Phillies playing Pittsburgh? (Yes, +1 Flyers)
** Is Ryan Howard up to bat? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Are Chase Utley or Jimmy Rollins up to bat? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Is Ross Gload up to bat? (Yes, +1 Flyers)
** Are the Flyers on a power play? (Yes, +1 Flyers)
** Are the Phillies using binoculars? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Are you in attendance at the Phillies game? (Yes, +1 Flyers)
** Are you Charlie Manuel? (Yes, +1 Phillies)
** Are you Ed Snider? (Yes, +1 Flyers)
** Are you Andy Reid? (Yes, +1 passing plays)


Honestly, the real solution here is to get a dual-tuner DVR already…

Least essential Phils jerseys

Here's a quick look at actual Phillies jerseys up for sale on Ebay right now:

Ryan Madson 2008 World Series jersey (game used)
$7,999.99, plus $5 shipping
Sure, it's historic. But $8,000 could also get you season tickets for the next 30-plus years. Plus, this jersey tends to come apart at the seams in the ninth inning.

Kyle Drabek signed jersey
$119.99
Nothing shows off how much you love your team like wearing the shirt of the guy traded for somebody much better.

Francisco Rosario 2007 jersey (game used)
$195
I have no memory who this guy is. He was on the 07 playoff team? Are you sure?

President Obama XXL #44 jersey
$49.99
No. Just stop it. This could fit three or four Democratic presidents in it, and it's the worst kind of novelty jersey.

Phillies pet jersey
$4.99
Nevermind. That's the worst kind of novelty jersey.

Adam Eaton 2008 jersey (game-used)
$399
Somehow the Phils won a World Series this year despite shelling out $8 million for Eaton's four wins on the season. Maybe he wore this during one of them!

Eric Bruntlett 2007 St. Patrick’s day jersey (game used)
$149.99
The Phils don't play real games in March, and anything worn during a spring training game cannot be considered "game used."

Mitch Williams jersey
$39.99
No one should wear a choker jersey. Ever.

Jim Thome jersey
$48.62 plus $13.61 shipping
Why the weird price? The seller is up in Canada, and they still haven't received word that Thome left the team four years ago.

Greg Lewis jersey
$49.99
This actually shows up when you search "Phillies jerseys" on Ebay, proving once again that Greg Lewis ruins everything.

2010 MLB salary comparison chart

For you consideration...

$31.5 M -- Yankees P AJ Burnett and P Mariano Rivera
$34.7 M -- Phillies 1B Ryan Howard and P Roy Halladay
$34.9 M -- Pittsburgh Pirates (whole roster)
$37.7 M -- Cubs OF Alfonso Soriano and P Carlos Zambrano
$38.2 M -- San Diego Padres (whole roster)
$39.5 M -- Mets P Johan Santana and OF Carlos Beltran
$46.8 M -- Yankees P CC Sabathia and SS Derek Jeter
$48.5 M -- Arizona Diamondbacks (whole roster)
$50.8 M -- Oakland Athletics (whole roster)
$53.6 M -- Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez and 1B Mark Teixeira
$55.1 M -- Texas Rangers (whole roster)

Grading the Eagles 2010 draft

It’s time again to break down the Eagles draft the only sensible way – looking at the anagrams of their names to see what we can learn about their character:

DE Brandon Graham
Anagram: Bang hard or amend
Verdict: Great slogan for a pass rusher. Either hit people hard, or change your ways. I expect great things.

FS Nate Allen
Anagram: Flannel seat
Verdict: I assume this means he’s soft and plaid. Neither are what you want in a shut-down safety.

DE Daniel Te'o-Nesheim
Anagram: Dead enemies hotline
Verdict: Awesome. Just awesome. The defensive line looks better already.

CB Trevard Lindley
Anagram: Dirty, clever, bland
Verdict: As long as he’s a smart, hard worker, I can accept that he’s boring as hell.

LB Keenan Clayton
Anagram: Bony ankle lancet
Verdict: Plays like a knife cutting down to your bone. Jeez, the defensive guys are really getting it this year.

QB Mike Kafka
Anagram: Mi a hack, fake QB
Verdict: Not only is he a fake QB, but his spelling skills look terrible. Not what you want from a field general.

TE Clay Harbor
Anagram: A lacy brother
Anagram: A racy brothel
Anagram: Breathy Carol
Verdict: Honestly, I’m having trouble finding a non-dirty anagram for this guy. Sounds like a clubhouse problem to me.

DE Ricky Sapp
Anagram: Spidery pack
Verdict: OK anagram, but no way it beats the DEs ahead of him in this draft.

WR Riley Cooper
Anagram: Yowl -- Epic error.
Verdict: If you can spell out “epic error” with the letters in your name, you’re in trouble.

RB Charles Scott
Anagram: Crotch blasters
Verdict: Not sure if that means he’s so fast he’ll fake you out of your pants or his. Either way, sounds exciting.

LB Jamar Chaney
Anagram: Mean archly jab
Verdict: I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds angry. So, that’s good news … yes?

DT Jeff Owens
Anagram: Few fond jets
Verdict: Well, yes, there are few players on the Jets that I like. I hardly see how that’s relevant here.

SS Kurt Coleman
Anagram: Tumors slacken
Verdict: Well, at least he has those growths under control.

Draftsgiving 2010

I know the Thursday start of this year's NFL draft has left a lot of folks wondering what exactly the change means for the annual Drafsgiving celebration. Fear not; Not even ESPN can take all of the fun out of sports and holidays (although they're trying hard.) Here's a list of do's and don't's for this year's celebration:

DO -- start drinking on Thursday. Sure, the real celebration still starts Saturday at 11:55 am, but it doesn't hurt to watch the first round of the draft with a beer in hand.

DON'T -- assume that you can skip watching the 4th through 7th rounds on Saturday. Just because the big name guys are gone, that doesn't mean you can celebrate without watching the monotony. It's not called "Whatever-else-is-on-TV-giving" after all.

DO -- write difficult NFL trivia questions for your partygoers. Here's a good one: Name Philadelphia Eagle who isn't DeSean Jackson. McNabb? Westbrook? Sheldon Brown? Wrong.

DON'T -- Trade your franchise QB for a second-round lineman. That's just straight up dumb.

DO -- Start your official festivities at 11:55 am. Saturday's draft coverage starts at 10 am, but 9:55 am is a little too early to start drinking on any holiday (except Christmas, of course).

DON'T -- buy presents. Have you learned nothing about the spirit of Draftsgiving? If anything, you should probably steal something. How about a franchise QB for a second rounder?

DO -- root for your team to pick Roddick Muckelroy in the 6th round. First, the Texas LB is terribly underrated. Second, it'll confuse everyone at the party.

DON'T -- mention Tim Tebow. Just don't. We've all heard enough already.

One other note: Since every Draftsgiving celebration at Fort Awesome in Maryland so far has featured Donovan McNabb in Philadelphia, we thought it was only right ot move the celebration up to Philly since Donovan is now down here in Mayland. So, if you'll be in the Philly area this weekend, check in with me for more details.

Fun with baseball trends

As of Tuesday night …

*** 1B Ryan Howard is on pace to drive in 254 runs this year (11 RBI in 7 games) which would shatter the MLB record of 180 RBI in a season.

*** 3B Placido Polanco is on pace to score 231 runs this year (10 runs in 7 games) which would shatter the MLB record of 192 runs in a season.

*** As a team the Phils are on pace to score 1,157 runs this year (50 runs in 7 games). Astoundingly, that would not be a record – The 1894 Boston Beaneaters (real name, not made up) scored 1,220 runs in just 122 games, an amazing 10-runs-per-game average.

*** P J.A. Happ is on pace to win 32 games and not allow a run this season (1 win and 0 earned runs in one start) which would shatter the previous lowest ERA in MLB history, 0.86 (among starters).

*** P Roy Halladay is on pace to win 32 games and strike out 280 batters (2 wins and 17 Ks in two starts) but to lose the Cy Young award to J.A. Happ.

*** The Phillies are on pace to compile a 138-24 record this season, which would shatter the MLB record of 116 wins in a single season.

*** Backup C Brian Schneider is on pace to go hitless for the entire season (0 hits in 6 at bats). He kinda stinks.

Blogging my son's first Phillies game

Junior Awesome and I are up in Philly this week visiting Grandpa Awesome, and it just so happens that we've got a lazy Monday afternoon and the defending NL Champion Phillies on TV in their 2010 opening game. Who could ask for anything more?

1st inning -- Only two pitches into the game and Junior Awesome sees his first Jimmy Rollins hit. The excitement is too much; JA spits up a little. He does the same thing when Halladay gives up a run in the bottom of the first, but you can totally tell he's angrier the second time.

2nd inning -- The Phillies broadcast crew says 48 presidents have thrown out the first pitch on opening day. Obama is the 44th president. I can't figure out who those other 4 guys are, or what team George Washington threw out the first pitch for. JA gives me a skeptical look. That, or his diaper is dirty.

3rd inning -- The Washington Natinals are still leading 1-0. Grandpa Awesome wants Halladay traded. I'm wondering if the Phillies can trade for David Akers, so I don't have to pay any attention to football season. JA responds to our pessimism by falling asleep.

4th inning -- Ryan Howard provides the first dinger of Junior's life, scoring Chase and putting the Phillies ahead. We all cheer; JA does a little jig, but that might still be related to the dirty diaper we haven't addressed. Halladay adds an RBI later in the inning, part of an 11-man parade to the plate. I try to explain "batting around" to the kid, but he'd rather chew on his hand.

5th inning -- Halladay already has seven strikeouts; Now we're ordering the little one's Cy Young T-shirt and wondering if the Phillies could win the World Series and Super Bowl this year. They have a better shot than the Eagles.

6th inning -- Honestly, we all fell asleep here. Doesn't look like we missed too much, though.

7th inning -- Junior's nap gets interrupted when Grandpa Awesome and I cheer Placido Palanco's first grand slam of the season. With 6 RBI, he's now on pace for 972 RBI this season. We conservatively estimate the Phillies will score 1,600 runs this season, en route to a 152-10 record. Why not undefeated? That'd be ridiculous.

8th inning -- Quiz time for the little guy. How many of the Phils regular position players have not played in an All-Star game? (just Ruiz). Who was the last Phils' 20-game winner? (Carlton). Why would the Eagles trade away their best QB ever for an unproven fourth-year joke? (money). He goes three-for-three on the questions. Grandpa only gets two right.

9th inning -- Even an 11-1 score can't keep JA from freaking out in the ninth. Originally I thought it was because Danys Baez name is too ridiculous, but the womenfolk return and think he's probably just hungry. I offer Cracker Jack, and they take him away from me. That's OK -- this was a pretty good lesson in what a new fan should expect from his team.