Get ready, kids. Everybody is signed up for the return of the "Who needs linebackers?" fantasy league, and of course you're all familiar with the draft rules. So, with everyone's proxy assembled at Fort Awesome, let's select the draft order for this season.
Good luck to all, and the first name being pulled from the Eagles' skull cap is ...
12 -- West Coast Westy (Capt. Awesome)
Son of a ... really? I've got to rearrange these draft rules next year. In response to getting the worst pick possible, my proxy, a dancing Eagles hamster, remains silent and furry. Let no one say that this process is rigged.
The next name out of the hat goes to...
11 -- Why Can't Us (Ant)
Just a bit of bad luck for Anthony, who would have picked 8th in a traditional draft order. But the good news is that Ladanian Tomlinson will probably still be available here, since he always ends up drafting him. His proxy, a Donovan McNabb bobble head doll, vomits in response. In fairness, it's been pretty hot in this room.
Next pick goes to...
10 -- StayPuft Haynesworth (New Mike)
Our reigning champ gets a slightly higher pick than expected, but that might be bad news. He won the league picking 13th last year. We only have 12 teams this year, because per league policy our last place finisher was executed at season's end in January. Mike's representative, a fluffy white pillow, lays on the floor apathetic in response, much like Albert Hanyesworth.
Moving on, the next name appearing is...
9 -- I Love Me Some Me (Joanner)
At word of the news Joanna's proxy, Junior Awesome, promptly cries and fills his diaper. I remind him that his mother just picked out my name dead last. He reminds me that it's my turn to change his diaper by yelling louder.
After a slight diaper delay, we're back to picking and the next slot goes to...
8 -- I Heart WRs (Paul)
Paul's pick comes in ... exactly where he finished last year. How dull. Sort of like the Eagles' first-string preseason offense. Paul's proxy, a mini-level sitting on my desk, remains perfectly and uninterestingly balanced.
Next name out of the hat belongs to...
7 -- Jonathan's PopPop (Dad)
Bad news to everyone picking after #7 -- you no longer have any shot of picking up Kevin Kolb, who is already one of the top four QBs all-time according to my father (behind John Elway, Dan Marino and Koy Detmer, of course). Dad's representative, a green teddy bear signaling touchdown, signals touchdown in response. Apparently, he doesn't know that a TD is only worth 6 before the extra point.
Our next selection goes to lucky player ...
6 -- Heidi's team (Heidi)
Hoepfully that name is just a placeholder, but the pick is for sure now. Our only player to be banned a season for steroids will pick right in the middle of the pack. Heidi's proxy, a bottle of NyQuil, remains green and angry, vowing revenge on all who dare challenge it.
Moving along quickly, the next name is ...
5 -- Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
Tough break for Bob, who would have gotten the third pick in a most just system. Instead of getting Ray Rice he'll be forced to swallow another year of Frank Gore. Bob's proxy, an elderly gentleman on Pawn Stars trying to sell his 18th century rifle, is devastated by the news that his gun is actually a fake. The news of the #5 pick doesn't seems to affect him at all, however.
Back in the hat, and the next slip pulled out belongs to...
4 -- Obama's Kenyan Birth (Jim)
Jim finished uncharacteristically poorly last year, but even with a pick this high still probably won't pick an RB with his first pick. But despite that character flaw I appreciate that Jim each year tries to class up the joint with some political humor. His representative, a copy of the Constitution on our bookshelf, weeps at both the pick slot and the team name.
Only three players left, and the next one out of the hat is ...
3 -- The Tebow Connection (Joel)
Am I the only one who has been singing non-stop since Joel first posted his team name? "Why aren't there many more songs about Tebow/ And how he's such a swell guy? / Someday we'll find it / The Tebow Connection / The lovers, the Broncos, and meeeee." Joel's proxy, Elmo's First Book of Colors, smiles approvingly. Ironically, orange doesn't come up until the last page of the book.
Two names left, and the first-runner up goes to ...
2 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
The beautiful thing about presason is that every fan believes this could be the year their team wins it all ... even Jeff's team, which usually suffers a heroic string of bad luck and bad management to end up at the bottom each year. His proxy, one of my blue dress shirts, falls off a hanger and crumples in response to the pick.
That leaves just one player left, so congrats to...
1 -- I'm on a Horse (Champ Mike)
Our only two-time Awesome Cup champion scores another minor victory, moving up five spots in the draft order to grab the first overall pick. He doesn't need the extra help, but something tells me he's not going to complain about it either. His proxy, a stuffed panda, waits menicingly for the inveitable bloodbath to come.
That's it folks. Everybody get your draft order set, and I'll flip the switch on Sept. 1. That gives you all a week and a day to get your affairs in order. Remember that whoever drafts Tony Romo automatically gets the preseason last place ranking. Any other questions, you know where to find me.
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