2010 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

All the draft picks are in, so it’s time for my fearless predictions:

Heidi’s team (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
Breakdown: Heidi’s team actually looks half-decent, but we’ll be rooting against her all year. Starting QB: Tony Romo. Starting WR: Dez Bryant. Backup RB: Felix Jones. She’s the Dallas Defense away from being Jerry Jones. So, best of luck to everyone this year, except for Heidi. Hope you only score 20 points all year. Nothing personal.

Farve Dollar Footlongs (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800 pts
Breakdown: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the homer team of the year! QB Kevin Kolb, WR DeSean Jackson and TE Brent Celek all have a home with Anthony’s team, as does former FB and current Falcons DE Dan Klecko. Expect Anthony to cut QB Eli Manning to pick up WR Fred Barnett or Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins in the coming days.

The Tebow Connection (Joel)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
Breakdown: I want to put Joel’s team higher – QB Joe Flacco, RB Ray Rice and TE Vernon Davis look like a great trio of power. But if Joel’s team does well it’ll mean I’ll have to talk about the rest of his team in the weekly recaps: WR Devin Aromashodu, RB Javid Best, WR Steve Breaston. I don’t need ridiculous names here, kids. I write all my own jokes.

Springfield Atoms (Bob)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
Breakdown: Bob drafted both the Eagles Defense and Terrell Owens. I feel like there’s a cathartic reality show involved there, but I just can’t put my finger on it. He also got QB Aaron Rodgers (who’ll end up as the top points scorer overall this year) and WRs Charles Johnson and the other Steve Smith, but I just can’t rank a T.O. team any higher than this.

Obama’s Kenyan Birth (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
Breakdown: Jim drafted two Fs (Finley, Jermichael and Forsett, Justin), three Cs (Carson Palmer, CJ Spiller and Colson, Marques) but only one A (Austin, Miles). Where I’m from, that’s not a good GPA. Also, I hate Miles Austin. And I decided Andre Johnson didn’t count because it messed up my joke.

Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
Breakdown: If this was 2006 Dad would be the clear favorite, because QB Jay Cutler, WR Randy Moss, RB Michael Turner, WR Steve Smith, and RB Thomas Jonees were all studs just a few years ago. But it’s not, and he won’t end up separating from the middle of the pack. On the plus side, his team isn’t weighed down by any Eagles, so it shouldn’t be a miserable season in the end.

Stay Puft Haynesworth (NewMike)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
Breakdown: Our reigning champ’s draft result relies too much on last year’s Super Bowl losers, with QB Peyton Manning and WR Pierre Garcon leading his team. WR Wes Welker and TE Antonio Gates are fine players, but his RBs are just terrible. Plus, he managed to draft Asante Samuel, meaning even if he gets close to the top spot in the standings he won’t be able to grab it and wrestle it to the ground.

I’m on a Horse (ChampMike)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
Breakdown: I can’t in good conscience put a team coached by Mike any lower than this, but after RB Chris Johnson, QB Phillip Rivers and RB Cedric Benson there’s not much else here. Dwane Bowe, Derrick Mason and Roy Williams all at WR is the definition of the NFL’s all-mediocre team. And if we have an unseasonably warm September Mike could get off to a rough start, because his backup QB is all-pro heat exhaustion expert Donovan McNabb.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
Breakdown: Listen to me closely: Don’t sleep on Jeff this year. Our league’s favorite doormat is a one-time Awesome Cup Champion, and his team looks great on paper right now. WRs Roddy White, Larry Fitzgerald, Chad Ochocinco and Donald Driver are all worth starters, and RB Adrian Peterson should lead the league in rushing this year. The only problem with his team? QB Brett Favre could retire at any time, leaving him rudderless.

West Coast Westy (Capt. Awesome)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
Breakdown: If you’re looking for RBs, here’s where they ended up. Stephen Jackson, Rashard Mendenhall, Brandon Jacobs, LeSean McCoy, and Jerome Harrison all fell to me (along with Comcast spokesman Tom Brady) while you people picked up competent wideouts. Fools. Andy Reid can tell you a reliable passing game never wins championships in the end.

I heart WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
Breakdown: Paul was my preseason pick to win the league last year, and that pressure killed his almost from the get-go in 2009. So, because I’m a vengeful person, I’m picking him again to do well. QB Matt Schaub and RB Frank Gore are studs, and the rest of his RB corps is solid. But for someone who lives WRs so much, his crew seems weak: Mike Sims Walker, Malcolm Floyd and Devin Hester aren’t scaring anyone. Looks like he’ll have to win with his ground game for a change.

I Love Me Some Me (Joanner)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
Breakdown: Jo doesn’t have that pesky pregnancy holding her back anymore, and she’s followed up her third-place finish last year with a solid all-around draft. QB Drew Brees, RB Ryan Grant and WR Anquan Boldin make up the best starting three in the league, and Jonathan Stewart and Matt Forte on the bench both should be fantasy surprises this year. On the negative side, she did draft Clinton Portis, which might be enough for her to forfeit right away just out of spite.

OK, kids – get those rosters ready for Thursday night, when the first game starts. Good luck to everyone (except Heidi).