Fantasy football draft order

It's time for the annual "Who needs linebackers" fantasy football league, where I get a chance to prove I know more about football than everyone I know (except Heidi). But before we can start picking teams, we've got to establish our draft order, based off last year's competition.

The Heidi rule instituted last season is still in effect, so the top four teams from last year get the bottom four spots in this year's draft order, to ensure that Heidi gets screwed with a late pick and to give the rest of us a chance to win this league.

11. Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
10. Heidi is too slow, Heidi
9. The War on Terrell, Mike
8. Red Shirteys, Eric

Everyone else gets their names dropped in the Eagles hat for an NBA style draft lottery. Our representatives from each team are present for today's excitement, so let's have Joanna pull the first name:

7. Dawk will cut you, Capt. Awesome

DAMN!!!! I spent all this time coming up with a screwy draft order lottery only to get the worst pick I could end up with. Joanna is laughing at me and promising not to tell if we decide to repick to get me a better pick. She's officially on probation -- joking about rigging the draft order is as bad as taking steroids in baseball. And they don't allow that kind of thing. Onto the next pick:

6. Team SmartyPants, Paul

The new guy gets a pick in the dead center. Paul's team representative, a soccer ball bean bag, yawns with excitement. Being a soccer ball, it's used to being bored. Onto the next pick:

5. Cut and Run, Jim

Jim's representative, a copy of this week's Washington Post magazine, asks me "Can God straighten out your finances?" I feel like his team might not be focused on this whole event. Onto the next pick:

4. Get Drunk and Screw, Neal

That's the second year in a row Neal got a pretty good pick. We may have to figure out a way to screw him next year. No, not that way. Coincidentally, his team representative, a screw holding up one of our family room blinds, looks so excited it might fall out of the wall. Or maybe that's just shoddy workmanship on my part. Onto the next pick:

3. Clarett's protege, Joel

After getting stuck with a late pick last year Joel gets a plum spot in this year's contest. His representative, my Ohio State Hat, responds by pulling a gun on me, taking my cell phone, then getting arrested by Columbus police. Why they are hanging out around DC is beyond me.

It's worth nothing that Joanna's demeanor has suddenly gone from excited to terrified, as she realizes that we might have to redo this whole lottery if she doesn't pull her name next. Nobody is going to believe we did this on the up-and-up if she gets the top spot. So with great trepidation she reaches into the Eagles hat and pulls out:

2. HoF Bus Drivers, Joanner

And now she's happy again. Joanna's representative, Joanna, resumes taunting me. This has not been an easy day at Fort Awesome.

With all the picks gone, that leaves the top spot to:

1. JapanUSRelations, Ant

Oh, gawd, what have we done? It's like handing the car keys to a six-year-old. Sure, it sounds like fun, and you know he'll be a better driver than most of the people on the road, especially that guy in the car next to you, with his overstarched suit and his fancy bluetooth earpiece, and you just know he's gonna cut you off when you get up to that merge, but you're the bad guy because you're wondering if you could flick a piece of gum into his car window, and ... where was I?

Anthony's team representative, a "Welcome Home" sign with a signature of Vince Papale, is so excited by the win that it starts singing the wrong words to the Eagles fight song. It stops only when my Ohio State hat pulls out it's gun again.

Bets are now open on Ant taking an Eagle with the top pick over all prevailing logic. It's admirable, but also terribly misguided.

So that's the order, kids. The moment of truth will take place on Saturday. I'll switch the league's draft status over to ready sometime around noon, so make sure you set your player rankings by then. If you end up with Clinton Portis and his shattered shoulder with the number 5 pick, well, I warned you.

Any questions, drop me a line.

Fun with blogger

I've been having some problems logging on for the past few days, so sorry for the erratic posts. I'll get my technical problems resolved and get used to my new/old routine again soon, and we'll be back to funny postings.

In the meantime, might I suggest a scholarly essay on why the trash compactor in Star Wars wouldn't be practical?

It's either that on an extended lecture by me on how Donte Stallworth could change the face of the NFC East. And it's pretty late to get me started on that.

Pizza Pizza Pizza

Guiseppe's Pizza and Invincible tonight, and Snakes on a Plane last night. Does it get better than this?

Going back to work on Monday is going to be really, really rough.

Back to WAR...minster

I've been back to home home for just over 15 hours now and still haven't told any stories that have really upset Mom, so everybody is happy.

We're looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend prior to an en masse "Invincible" viewing, which will be punctuated by news that G has been named the Eagles new #3 receiver. But before that is Guiseppe's pizza. Right now the odds of me actually waiting until Saturday to eat there are about five-to-one, but I have made it 15 hours so far.

Projecting the season

In honor of Madden Day yesterday, I finished the Eagles 2006 regular season I'd been playing with last year's copy of the game. I know it's not a perfect projection, but the game is pretty realistic and I think it's probably a good indication of how the Eagles will finish up. So here are the stats:

Team stats
Team record	16 wins, 0 losses
Points for	1,264 points (157 offensive TDs)
Points allowed	64 points
Points scored by my defense	102 points (17 defensive TDs)

Individual offense stats
Donovan McNabb	6,685 passing yards, 96 TDs, 8 INTs
Brian Westbrook (ground)	2,561 rushing yards, 45 TDs, 7 fumbles
Brian Westbrook (air)	1,278 receiving yards, 18 TDs
Reggie Brown	2,015 receiving yards, 31 TDs
David Akers	4 field goals, 171 extra points

Individual defense stats
Jeremiah Trotter	79 tackles, 39 sacks, 5 INTs, 3 fumbles, 2 safeties
Javon Kearse	62 tackles, 37 sacks, 1 INT, 2 fumbles, 1 TD
Sheldon Brown	32 tackles, 18 INTs, 6 TDs
Lito Shepard	48 tackles, 15 INTs, 1 sack, 1 fumble, 4 TDs
Brian Dawkins	49 tackles, 7 INTs, 1 TD

McNabb won the MVP, Westbrook the offensive player of the year, and Trotter the defensive player of the year. The team had 17 starters on the Pro Bowl (no Akers, though).

Like I said, it's not a perfect prediction. But I think it's reasonable to assume McNabb will have somewhere around 6,000 yards passing, and that Trotter will nearly double the sack record this year.

Enjoying the fort

I'm so excited to be back in the land of laundry that I'm considering changing my shirts every hour just because I can. And I get to wear shirts with colors in them too, not just the gray and gray with gray in it tee-shirts that I was resigned to in Afghanistan. I'm thinking about rainbow suspenders just to add to the effect. Rainbow suspenders are still cool, right?

Speaking of colors, I also got my purple heart in the mail this week, courtesy of Aunt Olga and her crafts expertise, for my dive down a mortar pit last month.

If I haven't told you the story, don't worry: You'll hear it soon. There's nothing funnier than nearly breaking your neck because you don't know how to work a flashlight.

Well, maybe there's something funnier, but it would probably involve me actually breaking my neck. And I'm not willing to go that far for a joke.

Officially back on base

Holy guacamole. It's good to be home.

I've turned the title of this site back over to it's previous name, and I've spent the last 20 hours enjoying everything the fort has to offer -- giant couch, carpeted floors, a bed with sheets, running water. You have no idea how exciting flush toilets are.

After some more R&R the darling wife and I will be heading up north to Philly to see a lot of you folks. I'll post a few more trip things over the next few days, and then after that this blog will return to it's "something funny at least once a week" goal.

I was just gonna start posting my football stats again, but now I'm thinking I'll have to expand those plans. Daily updates of how much I've showered? Weekly rants from Quinn? Hourly information on how much the Eagles WRs stink?

So stay tuned.

And we're back!!!!

Home safe and sound, but so sleepy. So sleepy..........

Phase Two of Operation GetOut

The flight is tomorrow at noon, and if all goes well I'm on the ground by 3 p.m. That leaves just enough time for packing and a few more liters of beer.

After that, it's officially back On base at Fort Awesome (now with awesome tiger pit, apparently).

See y'all soon.

In response to your questions...

-- Yes, I did find something to do today, and tomorrow too. But nothing that interesting or photogenic.

-- German dark beer does rival Ying-ling, but really it's just a whole different food group. The best Bratwurst does not compare to Steak in the Pot. And frankly I think it's heresy to even suggest that.

-- Blue Moon is quite possibly the nastiest beer I've ever drank in my life. I'd rather down some blue Mad Dog than have another sip of that junk.

-- I have seen the Snakes on a Plane sounds web site but I have yet to find a computer where I can get it to work. Maybe this weekend.

-- Only two days left before the flight.

In case you missed it

Troy Aikman Becomes First Robot Inducted Into Pro Football Hall Of Fame

Beer beer beer!

I made it up to Darmstadt yesterday, turned in my body armor and headed out with a few Europe friends for some good dark German al-key-hol -- Not too much, but enough to make me very, very happy.

Now it's just a matter of riding out the rest of the week. I've got a bit of paperwork to take care of, and had my visit with the shrink today (all of our deployed folks need to sit down with a counselor to make sure we haven't cracked up.) She said I'm running a little high still, because I didn't stop talking for about 30 minutes. I told her that after she identified herself as a Giants fan I dismissed everything else she had to say. So I'm still making friends everywhere I go.

Tomorrow ... I dunno. Practicing my German beer-ordering skills?

Getting closer

I'm going to try to get up to Darmstadt today, the very last stop on my tour of the world before heading home. I ended up spending an extra night in Ramstein last night when my editors found out the free shuttle north doesn't run on Sundays.

So, my choices were:

a) pay 150 euro to get a cab up to Frankfurt, and have someone pick me up there

b) pay 48 U.S. bucks to stay in the officer's suite on base here and watch American TV and eat pizza for an extra day and sleep in a king-sized bed with real sheets, something I haven't had for more than a month (I've been using a sleeping bag)

Yeah, life is rough. I'm thinking I might miss that shuttle again today....

I told you I'd find one

Quite possibly the most annoying part of the trip happened late Friday night as I tried to leave Afghanistan, when myself and the 16 other folks on my flight had to go through customs. Usually, civilian customs means somebody opening your bag, asking you if you have anything illegal and then sending you on your merry way.

Army customs meant I had to empty all of my tightly packed bags on the floor, have someone examine each item individually and give me a 20-minute lecture about the criminal charges I could face if I was found carrying any contraband.

Among the things they asked me to throw away:

-- My lighter.

-- My sudafed. I had mixed them in with my aspirin, and apparently that means I was trying to smuggle unmarked and potentially illegal drugs into the U.S.

-- My bug spray. I got this bug spray from the Pentagon. It's Army issued. But it was against the law for me to bring it back into the country where I got it, so now it's in the trash.

-- My anti-malaria meds. I had mixed some calcium pills in with them, so I ran into the drug-smuggling problem again. The whole "but I don't want to get malaria" argument wasn't working. When the guy turned his back, I dumped the calcium pills and convinced him I had a second bottle of the drugs with me, one that wasn't "tainted." He let me keep them.

It was a royal pain in the butt. All of us were standing around complaining about the ridiculous threats these MPs were making, how late it was, how slow the process was, and how we'd fit everything back into the bags.

The guy next to me had a huge duffel and pulled out all sorts of CDs, DVDs, electronics gear and, at the very end, this:



You could have knocked me over with Todd Pinkston's skinny legs. I asked him why he was carrying around a parking sign, and Sgt. Dove replied "Because I'm from Jersey, and I've been a birds fan my whole life."

And I know that doesn't answer the real question, but at the time that made perfect sense to me. In fact, I wondered why I wasn't carrying around an Eagles sign.

We chatted for a few minutes as we packed all our stuff back up, and he said he'd been up in Kabul for the last few days, so he and a few friends got up early to watch that first pre-season game there. That's why I couldn't find Eagles fans to watch the game with -- they were stationed somewhere else. I knew it couldn't be that there were no McNabb loyalists out there.

But I told you I'd find some birds fans out here. We're everywhere.

Ohmigawd Ohmigawd

It rained last night in Germany. Actual, factual rain. The kind that comes down in water drops. I can't tell you how exciting that was.

Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Stan

Taking Major Dingus' advice I am indeed joyfully singing today. No more war zones for Capt. Awesome -- I am officially back in Germany, safe and sound.

I'll give you all a full rundown of my fight with customs, including quite possibly the most important event of my entire time in Afghanistan occurring about 20 minutes before I left the country, but not until tomorrow. Now, I'm relaxing happily in a swanky military hotel suite and enjoying the remnants of my first pizza and beer dinner in more than a month. I never thought Corona would taste that good ....

We'll get to the real German beers once I have a little food in my system. I spent about 11 hours on planes over the last two days, and I'm worried that a tall, dark one after my month-long abstinence from alcohol and combined with no food might knock me down for good.

And the Falcons/Patsies replay just came on TV. Could I ask for more?

I could. But for now, this is pretty sweet.

Proof of photo skills, part 2

Photo gallery -- lunchtime

They don't look half bad. It almost as if I learned a little bit about how that camera thingie works.

Phase One of Operation GetOut

I've got a flight headed to Manus in three hours, in what I hope is the first step of my trip back home. There are two more flights into Kyrzygstan tonight, so even if this one gets cancelled I still should be able to get out. I mean ....

<< wait for it >>

<< wait for it >>

... I can't stay down with three flights. Not with three flights.

Hopefully once I get there I'll find some flights to Germany quickly. So stay tuned, and keep your fingers crossed.

Holy Baskett!

Did you see that catch? Did you see that throw?

And can someone explain to me why we've played two pre-season games and no one else in our division has had one yet?

Proof of work, part #26

Commanders clarify humvee policy

Pissed off a few folks with a story earlier in the week, so there was a "clarification" press release put out that I had to follow up. Good to know I'm making friends wherever I go.

Last night in town ....

... maybe.

Tomorrow morning I start the quest to find a flight from here back to European civilization. That probably means I won't actually leave for three or four more days, but it also means I'll officially stop trying to get real work done. I've got two more stories in tomorrow's paper, and frankly I've written enough.

And once I'm back in Europe, there should be no other flight issues. After all, international flights from Europe to the U.S. look like they're running as smooth as ever ...

... wait a minute ...

GAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!

OK, we'll deal with that headache once we're out of the war zone. One step at a time here.

Proof of work, part 25

Reporter's notebook: Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This guy already sent me a note saying that he's registered the domain name sportsaholics.anonymous (or something like that) and is seeking professional help. I told him if anyone ever questions his loyalty as an NFL fan to have them call me, and I'll testify that he's a true football nut.

Of course, I'm not saying he's the greatest football fan in Afghanistan. There was another guy in the room who could name nearly all the starters on the field (Eagles and Raiders) and kept yelling at Jeff Garcia for stinking up the joint....

Mom 1, Military 0

Let this be a lesson -- don't doubt Mom's prayers. A freak sandstorm blew in as my flight was scheduled to head down to the last embed, and once it cleared up an electrical problem in an infrared light grounded the helicopter.

The bad news is I spent seven hours on the tarmac with nothing to show for it. The good news is my boss said enough is enough, and told me to stay put until Saturday and then start heading back to Germany. It won't get me home any earlier than the 18th, but it likely will keep me from getting caught in country for longer (a real concern with how unreliable these flights are.)

So I'll spend the next few days seeing if I can file a few more stories and then start looking at flights to Germany (or more likely, a return to Krysyscystan.) And, of course, I'll start setting up the fantasy football league. I think we're up to 11, but there's always room for #12. But you've gotta be able to name the Eagles starting defensive line.

Proof of work, part 24

New road could lead to new industry for one village

No, I didn't get a chance to see the blue marble. They may have been making it up.

For the record ...

Just to clear up a few loose ends:

-- Bagram, where I've been for the last week, has nice showers and a laundry room. I'm not saying that I actually qualify as "clean," but I don't smell funny.

-- I'm supposed to travel today, but my flight has already been delayed by 14 hours. Mom has been praying that the flight gets cancelled altogether so that I can start heading back towards home, but so far she has only managed about half of the full-day's delay we'd need for that. Still, don't mess with mom.

-- Despite what I said, I did not see the whole pre-season game. I actually missed about half of the fourth quarter when there was a power outage on base. The lights came back on just in time to see Bruce Perry's concussion. Ugh.

-- I missed Hank Baskett's work too. But let me be the first to say that when he catches his first TD, if Chris Berman doesn't say "And McNabb PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKETT" I'll be very disappointed.

Proof of work, part 23

Afghanistan will have to wait for more armored vehicles

I was supposed to have story #24 today too -- a recap of watching the football game with my AF Niners' friend -- but my moron of an editor screwed it up and threw it away. It's a shame that my whole trip is going to be marred when I get back to Germany and kick his incompetent ass.

I'll see if we can work the football story into a notebook later this week.

Proof of work, part 22

Border security still poses problems

I've got some good photos coming up later in the week. This one is awful.

And no meat sweats in Bagram...

Time for some football-themed “good news, bad news” after last night’s game:

Bad news – I didn’t find any birds fans over here. Very disappointing.
Good news – I did find the game and a Niners fan to watch it with, and we’ll see if I can make a story out of that.

Good news – I got to watch almost the whole game before I needed to get back to work.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks pretty bad.

Bad news – I saw way too much Troy Aikman and Harry Carson during that broadcast.
Good news – I like this new “ronning" game they tried out. Am I spelling that right? Ronning? It’s like passing, but without the passing.

Good news – I got to see a 55-yard Akers field goal and can now identify Timmy Chang as the Eagles’ fourth string QB.
Bad news – Boy, Jeff Garcia looks bad. Really, really bad.

Bad news – I’m moving again tomorrow, so I can’t promise when the next update will come in.
Good news – Only a few days left, and then I’ll be back in the land of pizza and beer planning the Labor Day party.

Pure torture

I'm sitting outside of the Bagram media center (shack) fighting with my work e-mail, and a bunch of guys from the DEA pulled out a grill and some thick steaks and chicken breasts. The delicious smoke is blowing into my face as I type. And I even though they're cooking five feet away, there's a 10-foot barbed-wire fence between me and the meats, so I've got no shot at stealing dinner.

Not cool. When I get back to Fort Awesome, I'm not sharing any of my grilling with them.

Please don't confuse this kind of torture with the Bagram detention facility across the street from the other side of the media center (shack), where I'm sure there is no torture going on whatsoever.

More QB controversy

Gee, who would have figured mentioning Dan Marino would send Dad into a crazed rant?

For the record, the five greatest non-Eagles QBs are:

1 -- Joe Montana
2 -- John Elway
3 -- Joe Montana
4 -- Warren Moon
5 -- Steve Young, when he was playing behind Joe Montana

The five greatest Eagles QBs of all time are:

5 -- Jim McMahon
4 -- Ron Jaworski
3 -- Randall Cunningham
2 -- Donovan McNabb
1 -- Brian Dawkins. Don't even question it. You know he could. I have a NHL video game at Fort Awesome that proves he's the greatest hockey center of all time as well. He's a bit short, so he'd come in just behind Jordan in basketball.

So sleeeeepy.....

I had a long one today – I was up late watching fireworks between my conservative Soldier of Fortune friend and a liberal author who both hate the media, then got up early to go running around in the mountains with reconstruction teams talking about the importance of retaining walls, then covered a late press conference where I learned that there is a border between Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Nothing in the paper again tomorrow, but I’ll have a few in the first few days next week. More importantly, I found out there will be a football watching party on base early Sunday morning – 4:30 am – so I’ve got the chance of finding actual factual Iggles fans on the other side of the world.

And there will be photos. Oh yes, there will be photos.

Greatest QB ever

Just so you all know I'm doing OK, even over here I got in a fight about Dan Marino. So the conditions can't be that different from home, right?

For the record, I was on the "Marino is not one of the top five QBs ever" side this time, as opposed to the normal "Dad is insane when he says Marino was a terrible QB" argument that I'm forced into. The conversation quickly turned when my table mate challenged my assertion that Joe Montana was the greatest ever, at which point he was struck down by a group of Afghan youths from the mountains who have never seen a TV but knew Montana's status as a god should not be questioned.

Is football here yet? Please?

Sorta proof of work

Next Afghanistan rotation announced

This isn't really my story -- I didn't write most of it -- but it proves I was awake for at least part of the day yesterday.

Afghan trivia for $800

Odds and ends from the last few days:

-- Forgot to mention that my trip from Kandahar to Bagram was courtesy of the 143rd Air Wing out of Rhode Island (the Rhode Warriors, as their logo says). The plane was kinda small, but you’d be amazed how many of us they fit in there.

-- I saw “Frankenfish” for sale at the post exchange today. I’m not paying $20 for it, but somebody is.

-- I spent about half the day yesterday with three AP reporters based in Pakistan; two from London, one from Afghanistan, none of whom knew who Matt Lauer is. Today most of the day was spent with a freelancer from Soldier of Fortune who uses a fake name when he writes and looks like Billy Bob Thorton. Tomorrow? Who knows?

-- I didn’t get any real work done today, but I did get a hot shower and saw two more episodes of the Simpsons, so I consider it a success.

-- In succession on TV, I also saw an ad for the Eagles pre-season game, and ad for a Phils/Mets game that’ll be on, and a shot of a boxing match in Philly where they cut away to Pat’s and Geno’s. Now they’re just taunting me.

Proof of work, part 21

NATO head says tacitcal wins are meaningless

Nothing too exciting, but it was something to keep me busy for a few hours.

Everybody loves reruns

Looks like the site is back up -- I have no idea what happened -- and I made it into Bagram today, safe and sound. The flight took a little less than an hour, the trip from the plane to the terminal took five minutes, and the process of transferring my bags from the plane to the terminal took just over 90 minutes.

A normal person would be upset by this. However, in the terminal are two 36-inch flat-screen TVs hooked up to military television, and I saw, back to back, The Simpsons (the “learn to fart” flag episode), The Daily Show (Castro is dying?) and the Colbert Report. You’d be amazed how funny everything is when you’ve seen no TV for several weeks.

It's about 15 degrees cooler, and that loverly dusty wind is back in my life. I’ll be sleeping in Afghan bed #9 tonight, and trying to get to bed #10 in the next few days. We’re almost down to single digits for the trip, so keep those fingers crossed.

Proof of work, part 20

Notebook: Jokes about getting shot and falling out of planes

They ran that shot huge on the inside of the paper today -- it looks really good, thanks to my dear copy editors back at home.

Also in today's paper

Injuries frustrate Fred Taylor, fans: Jacksonville RB hurts hamstring in first practice

Who's ready for the fantasy league? G? You in this year?

Extra protection

I'll be traveling again tomorrow -- up north, then to the east for my last embed of the trip -- so today was spent trying to get all my loose ends tied up. Since there's no proper laptop case or bag for me to put the new machine in, I've resorted to my own bubble of packing material to hopefully keep this thing in one piece for my last few days.



That's a whole mess of packing tape, one layer of flexible styrofoam packaging and two layers of bubble wrap. We'll keep that inside the unreliable backpack, and hope for the best.

It can't go down with three layers of packing stuff on it. Not with three layers.

Proof of work, part 19

U.S. hands over southern Afghanistan to NATO

It appears to be the same story as yesterday, but if you look close you'll notice this one has pictures. So it's a totally different story.