2007 fantasy league predictions

Let the guessing and taunting begin ... again. Here's how things will look in January:

TEAM: Queen of Smack, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
WHY: Heidi, still serving her suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs, unofficially drafted Rodney Harrison, Wade Wilson, Shawn Merriman, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds and Michael Irvin for her team. It a shame that all of them, including Heidi, have set such a poor example for our children. But I bet Canseco would be pretty good on special teams...

TEAM: Guliani’s Second Wife, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 1798 points, 12th place
WHY: His team really isn’t that bad, but I’ve gotta penalize him for continuing his yearly tradition of skipping all worthwhile RBs in lieu of lower-scoring wideouts and more-available QBs. But with some luck and Peyton Manning, Chad Johnson, Torry Holt and Andre Johnson on this team, Jim could really surprise. Also, with some luck, Michael Vick could skip jail and become a productive NFL player again someday.

TEAM: Mudslingers of Old, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 1877 points, 11th place
WHY: Sorry, Dad. I love your loyalty, but starting McNabb, Westbrook, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis and Brent Celek makes for a bad, bad fantasy team … unless the Eagles really do score 40 each week. And even if they do, you’re in trouble in week 5. In case you missed it, Dad was so faithful to da Birds he picked up their backup kicker, E.J. Cochrane, even though the man will never play a down in the NFL.

TEAM: The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 1890 points, 10th place
WHY: I’m renaming Bob’s squad to Team ACL – Carson Palmer, Donte Stallworth, Shaun Alexander and Adam Vinatieri all had leg injuries last year. Sure, they all claim they’re healed now, but are you gonna trust NFL doctors or me watching from my couch? The one guy on his team who was injury-free in 2006? RB Fred Taylor. And you know he’s got a good five or six more years on those bionic legs.

TEAM: Burns Ringers, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 1918 points, 9th place
WHY: I can’t believe the talent this team has: stud WR Issac Bruce, stud TE Jeremy Shockey, stud RBs Jamal Lewis and Deuce McCallister, the Pittsburgh defense, supserstar QB Steve McNair coming off the bench … wait, it is 2002, right? No? It’s 2007? Oh, nevermind.

TEAM: I Need Linebackers, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 1966 points, 8th place
WHY: This team will lose because its coach wants to lose. Tony Romo, T.O., Plaxico Burress and Randy Moss? Geez, Paul, why not just draft Vick, Emmit Smith and Paris Hilton and put together a team everyone would hate? I know the computer made the actual picks, but wouldn’t you feel better if you do terrible? Let’s work out a trade for the Washington defense and we’ll see if you can tank everyone.

TEAM: Updog, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2001 points, 7th place
WHY: All of Neal’s players have one- or two-syllable last names. Jones-Addai-Kitna-Brown-Chambers-Mason-Bell. Weird, huh? In my expert opinion, I think he’s one reliable wideout away from a great team, maybe a Reggie Wayne or somebody like that. By the way, you should check your trade offers. I’m just guessing.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2047 points, 6th place
WHY: Jeff has some good players (an underrated RB trio of Larry Johnson, Brandon Jacobs and Clinton Portis that will surprise many) but there’s no way he finishes higher than sixth. He has players from 12 different teams on his squad. That’s 12 different bye weeks to keep track of. But week five, he’ll be lucky if he has anyone playing.

TEAM: Spider Pigs, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 points, 5th place
WHY: Anthony won the honor of best team name and followed it up by drafting the most boring team ever. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s just nothing exciting about it either. Ahman Green? Marc Bulger? The KC defense? Eh. I guess I hate Jason Whitten because he’s on Dallas. So, yeah, I guess I hate this team. Maybe.

TEAM: For Who For What, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2180 points, 4th place
WHY: I can’t believe how badly I screwed up this draft. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne? L.T. and Philip Rivers? Hines Ward and Heath Miller? With so many teammates, it’s amazing I didn’t draft the Oakland defense twice. That said, I did get L.T., so it’s gonna be tough for me to finish worse than the top five. But I’m already trying…

TEAM: We Want Detmers, Jo
PROJECTED FINISH: 2222 points, 3rd place
WHY: Two years ago I picked Jo to finish third and she finished at the bottom of the standings. Last year I picked her for the bottom and she finished third. So this year, she’s screwed. But that Tom Brady/Willie Parker/Willis McGahee/Chicago defense combo looks really, really good, too good to pretend like she’ll be in the bottom half.

TEAM: Szechuan Bean Curd, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2273 points, 2nd place
WHY: Mike has a handful of good RBs and reliable WRs and always manages to make a good run, so I’m guessing he’ll stay near the top three. And that’s a shame, because “szechaun” is difficult to spell, and I’m gonna end up having to put it in the recap each week. What a pain in the neck.

TEAM: I like Bush (Reggie), Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2315 points, 1st Place
WHY: The reigning champ always gets the benefit of the doubt – after all, he won the league without LaDanian Tomlinson last year. He has two great defenses (Baltimore and Denver), a handful of good receivers (including Reggie Bush, who is not an RB) and a RB who I already tried to trade for and got shot down (it’s the guy who’s not Fred Taylor on the Jags). Of course, the whole thing will fall apart when Vince Young goes down with a Madden-laden season-ending injury, but who’s really worried about that?

So there it is, kids. First game is Thursday night, so remember to set Drew Brees and Reggie Wayne in the starting spots before the game to get points for them.

Oh, and Reggie Wayne is on the trading block. He’s way better than Jim’s wide receivers.

I know you heard that American Idol was in Philly this week, but you probably didn’t hear that several local notables made an appearance to perform on the show. None of them got through, but my spies up there gave me a full report about their performances:

Aaron Rowand – singing “Centerfield” by John Fogerty
Judges’ notes: Replacing the lyrics “a brand-new pair of shoes” with “just gimmie a brand-new contract already” ruined the playful tone of the song.

Jeremiah Trotter – “You Outta Know” by Alanis Morissette
Judges’ notes: I thought this song was supposed to be about a jilted girlfriend. I don’t remember anything about the 3-4 defense or “what’s with your stupid D-line obsession” in the original.

Brett Myers – “Stan” by Eminem
Judges’ notes: Ummm... I'm not sure the wife-beating song was the best choice.

Ryan Howard – “If I had a million dollars” by BNL
Judges’ notes: His tone and pitch were just terrible, but even we can tell this guy deserves to be making more than $900,000 this year.

Dawkins – “Let the bodies hit the floor” by Drowning Pool
Judges’ notes: I was so scared I actually wet myself.

Andy Reid – “Georgia on my Mind” by Stevie Wonder
Judges’ notes: Mumbling was a major problem with this singer, and whenever he forgot the lyrics he just sputtered out “The time is yours.” Very weird.

Chase Utley – “I am great” by Chase Utley
Judges’ notes: It wasn’t really a song per se – he just stood there for 10 minutes and kept yelling “I AM GREAT!” – but it’s hard to argue with that.

Terrell Owens – “The Eagles Fight Song”
Judges’ notes: Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything this performer can do that’s going to make us like him.

Setting the draft order

Before I get to the draft order, there's shocking news this year. Our 2003 Awesome Cup champion, Heidi "The Hitman" Doyle, this weekend was suspended for the 2007 fantasy football season after she tested positive for performance-enchancing drugs.

Not a lot of details are being released right now. As you know, Heidi in recent months has been dogged by steroid allegations, ever she set the modern record for mouse clicks during NFL.com web surfing (14.3 million in 10 minutes). The appeals process is lengthy, in part because of the damage that kind of substance abuse could have on the integrity of the game. It's tragic that another great young player appears to have succumbed to the quick glory that drugs can bring, and now it might cost her career.

Also, I'm pretty sure she's involved in dogfighting.

Luckily, we've got two new players this year taking her place and trying to wrest the Awesome Cup from Eric's grimy, grimy fingers. As always, the first four spots in the draft are set in reserve order of last year's top four, so we have:

12. I like Bush, Reggie (Eric)
11. Spider Pigs (Ant)
10. We Want Detmers (Joanner)
9. Szechuan Bean Curd (Mike)

The angry Koy-lover over here is picking the other names out of my old Eagles hat, offering her own commentary on each selection, and the next pick goes to ...

8. Burns' Ringers (Joel)
Jo comment: "Why do we start at eight? This is a stupid way to do a draft."
My reaction: Tough break; He finished 10th of 11 last year, and gets the worst pick possible. But that's slightly better news for ...

7. The Moravians (Bob)
Jo comment: "Wait, Bob's in this league? Who let that happen?"
My reaction: Welcome to the league, newbie. Usually we give the new kids a break, but not this year. Instead, your loss benefits...

6. Updog (Neal)
Jo comment: "Who? Oh, that Neal."
My reaction: Neal finished 8th last year, so this is right where he should have picked. See the system works! Moving on...

5. Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Jo comment: "You know, I didn't win last year. I should get a better pick."
My reaction: Bad team name, OK draft spot. But I'm starting to get worried no one is going to believe this because my name hasn't been picked yet. Maybe it'll be next ...

4. Mudslingers of old (Capt. Awesome's Dad)
Jo comment: "That's not a great spot for your own father."
My reaction: I thought it was a good spot. But it's not quite as good as the next pick, which belongs to ...

3. Giuliani's 2nd Wife (Jim)
Jo comment: "Are you cheating? Is your name even in there?"
My reaction: Even Jim might decide to draft a RB this high. We're almost finished here, but first we have ...

2. I Need Linebackers (Paul)
Jo comment: "This is stupid. Did I mention that?"
My reaction: Paul shouldn't get this high of a pick; That's a terrible team name. And now it makes me think of Trotter. Thanks for depressing me, jerk.

So that just leaves...

1. For who for what? (Capt. Awesome)
My reaction:

Oh crap.

Oh crap.

Oh crap.

No one is gonna believe this.

Jo comment: "No, you made your bed, you filthy cheater. Now you have to lie in that filthy bed. Besides, nobody is going to believe I wanted to help you. Flithy cheater."

Clearly, the hat was expecting Heidi's name to come out last. Despite the Koy apologist's animosity over here, she'll vouch this is on the up-and-up, and I'll remind you all we've never had a repeat winner of the Awesome Cup or someone win after getting the number one pick in the draft. That's two big strikes against me.

Let's set the draft for Friday, Aug. 31 -- it's automated, so set your rosters before that night. I'll switch the status over and we should have our teams ready to go Saturday or Sunday morning (and I'll have Tomlinson as my #1 back).

Email me with any questions, and happy hunting.

A logical explanation for why the Eagles today cut Trotter, a fan favorite and a clubhouse leader, even though they still have plenty of cap space

...

I've got nothing.

Checking my worldwide profile

Before football season starts and every post becomes a fantasy league update (draft info coming later this week), I wanted to take a peek at the contributions I've made to society with this site via a quick google search of fun phrases. Please note, unlike the usual paint mastery I display here, these are actual, factual screen grabs from google:

First, the basics --


Then, my most important contribution to society --


Here's one that should have been on there years ago --


And, finally, my personal favorite --


Not a bad legacy so far, I must say.

Watching football at Fort Awesome

To help get you ready for the regular season, I’m chronicling what to expect the next time we’re over watching the games.

We’ve got our TV muted with the Baltimore broadcast and our Sirius radio blaring out Merrill Reese in perfect synch with the picture, so it’s time to welcome back …A.J. Feeley? Whatever, it’s still football.

7:01 – Why thank you, Dick Stockton, for the welcome back. What’s that you say, Daryl Johnson? “McGahee plays into the Ravens new philosophy of getting the offense and defense to play together.” I believe that’s a five-yard penalty for too many men on the field. Idiot. Glad to see he’s in mid-season form.

7:06 – The first play from scrimmage is … a pass. What a shock.

7:09 – As Andy Reid curses after a delay of game penalty, Lt. Col. Awesome over here offers her first commentary: “He’s hungry! Hurry up the play, I’ve gotta eat somebody!”

7:15 – So suddenly they can stop the run and can’t stop the pass. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.

7:21 – Steve McNair chucks one into the ground behind the line of scrimmage to avoid a sack and … no flag. So the refs are in mid-season form too…

7:22 – And that non-call allows McNair to complete a nice strike in the back of the end zone for the game’s first TD. I know it doesn’t matter, but grrrrrrrrrrrr.

7:24 – The “sum-sum-summertime” commercial on the radio just synched up very creepily with a Viagra commercial.

7:28 – Merril: “Westbrook rumbles for 30 yards with his classic dip-dee-do.”
Quick: “OK, time to take him out now.”
My thoughts exactly. And look, here comes Iron Knees Buckhalter, right on cue.

7:31 – Akers just shanked a field goal … because Dirk Johnson mishandled the snap. I know we’ve already got four QBs on the roster, but can you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want Koy Detmer back just for this reason?

7:34 – And here comes the Ravens second string offense. Boy, those $60 tickets are really worth the show.

7:35 – We have a Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.

7:37 – Jeremy Bloom just caught a punt cleanly AND ran forward afterwards. Can you do that? Reno Mahe usually goes down much quicker.

7:38 – A commercial for the Dan Patrick show just featured the soon-departing ESPN host saying “Would you like Mike to nibble on your ear? Would you like Mike to eat your children?” He was talking about Tyson, but you know he really meant Irvin.

7:42 – The second quarter opens with … a pass attempt (which results in a sack.) I’m sensing a theme.

7:43 – On 3rd and 23, Merrill just said “it’s third and Landover.” We missed him all summer long.

7:45 – Dirk Johnson so far: one great punt, one crappy punt. Aussie hero punter so far: nothing.

7:47 – ESPN has a gamecast of this game. Huh. I knew we should have done a pre-season fantasy football league.

7:49 – We have a second Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.

7:50 – Matt Stover hits a 50-yard-field goal, which sets the wife screaming about Koy Detmer for the third time so far. Now she’s yelling at G for not keeping a Detmer in reserve for just this situation. She’s even offering to pay to build a new one if necessary.

7:54 – There are 10 different active players who have more than 75 career sacks? I did not know that. Thank you, Ravens Television Network. Next time tell me who they are.

7:56 – WR Greg Lewis with a four-yard catch. I was pretty sure we had him put down last year. Why didn’t we?

8:02 – Ravens’ QB Kyle Boller just got destroyed by LB Matt McCoy. And most of the crowd cheered. He’s really not very good.

8:07 – “The problem,” the wife says, “is that listening Merrill eliminates most of your best material.” So I guess this isn’t very funny so far. And it’s almost 700 words.

8:08 – Nice little run by Bloom and … OH! He wipes out a coach on the Ravens sidelines as he goes out of bounds. Take that, assistant ball washer. Yeah.

8:11 – TE Brent Celek catches a five-yard pass and turns it into a 32-yard gain. Maybe I made fun of him too quickly.

Nah.

8:14 – “Akers with a 23-yard attempt, it’s spotted, it’s up, and it’s good.” Thank gawd.

8:16 – With 2:10 left in the half, the Eagles take their first time out. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.

8:18 – So I’m not going to get to see this Aussie punter, am I?

8:20 – I just saw Broderick Bunkley for the third time … this time getting beat badly on a QB scramble. Now things feel a little more normal.

8:27 – Here’s the first Kevin Kolb sighting, and his first play is … complete! To Greg Lewis! And a roughing the passer call, waived off by a offensive pass interference call! Welcome to the bigs, kid.

8:28 – OK, so his first official preseason play is a 16-yard sack. That’s much more memorable. Mercifully, that takes us to the half, with the good guys down 13-3.

8:41 – And welcome back for the second half. The Eagles had nearly 7 times as many passing yards as rushing yards. I am shocked, just shocked.

8:42 – Now at QB for the Ravens, Heisman trophy winner Troy Smith, who was drafted in the fifth round, about 96 spots after Kolb. On third and 11, he scrambles up the middle for 12. Didn’t see Kolb do that.

8:46 – The Denver-San Fran game is 10-7 in the first quarter. Why aren’t we watching that? Oh, yeah, I didn’t become a front running 49ers fan in the 80s with everyone else. My mistake.

8:47 – Now it’s 14-10, Denver. Damn.

8:51 – Ryan Moats with his second nice play in a row. Remember two years ago, when he scored three TDs in two games and ran all over the Giants? Didn’t you think he might turn into … something?

8:53 – Finally, Aussie punter Sav Rocca takes the field and unleashes … a 34-yard-punt. Ugh. That’s 2-for-3 on the punt-o-meter by Dirk Johnson, and 0-for-1 from the new guy.

8:56 – Ravens WR #16, who isn’t even listed on the official team roster, drops a pass that hits him in the numbers. He’s cut.

8:58 – Somebody was asking for $3,000 for a pair of tickets on the field at the 50 yard line. For this? Troy Smith’s mom doesn’t care that much.

9:00 – After three quick lousy plays, Rocca is back on the field and .. that was a little better. But I was promised 70 yard punts. My faith in Australia has been shaken. Lousy crooks.

9:06 – Halfway through the third, and the leading rushers in the game are QB Boller for the Ravens (20 yards) and QB Feeley for the Eagles (8 yards). But there’s still a lot of football – or whatever this is – left to play.

9:10 – Lemme ask you something – are the Ravens going to cut Matt Stover, their franchise kicker since 1991? No? Then why are you having him kick 50-yard field goals in the pre-season? He’s made two so far, by the way.

9:15 – So much for getting re-excited about Ryan Moats, huh? Looks like a 10-week fractured ankle to me.

9:19 – FB Nate Ilaoa is a fat, fat man. Do you think at dinner he uses a trough like old Andy used to do, or does he use a giant tarp like the new thin Andy does?

9:21 – Celek has four catches for 59 yards. Huh.

9:22 – First I see bald Donovan, now I see a fumble right into the arms of the Ravens. I’m afraid if I turn around I’ll see crown molding falling off the wall.

9:25 – As Bloom fair catches for the fourth time in a row, Merril tells me this is “a typical preseason game, with some positives and some negatives.” Not sure what the positives are. I guess McNabb hasn’t tossed any interceptions, so that’s good.

9:31 – Let’s rip through the 4th, shall we: There’s a 65-yard put by Rocca (finally), a few interesting WR plays by Bloom, and 13 more points by the Ravens. Oh, and Mike Quick just loves that Kevin Kolb.

Finally tallies: Five sacks surrendered, no sacks recorded, and under 20 rushing yards. They line ‘em up again on Friday, kids. We’ll try to keep the rage down until then.

Why was Mike crying?

Did you see the Hall of Fame ceremonies this weekend? Were you wondering why Michael Irvin was blubbering like a little girl? This photo from when he got back home in Texas should shed some light for you:


Clearly, he was upset because he was hungry, and they don't serve his favorite meal in Canton.

Yes, in case you forgot, Michael Irvin eats children

Reports from camp

Veterans started coming into camp today, and in a show of sportsmanship many of the old-timers made sure to catch up with the rookies and give them advice on life in the NFL. I couldn’t make it up to Lehigh myself but my sources around camp made sure to report back to me on some of their tidbits:

RB Correll Buckhalter (speaking with new RB Tony Hunt):
“When you hit the line, really push from the bottom of your feet. You’re gonna feel a lot of torque in your knees, but don’t worry about that. This training staff is really good at preventing knee injuries.”

C Jamaal Jackson (speaking with C Jasper Harvey)
“You might want to practice handling the ball when it’s really wet and slimy – really, really slimy, like someone lost their lunch on it. I’m just saying, it comes in useful.”

DE Jerome McDougal (speaking with DE Marques Murrell)
“Hey, I’m as surprised as you are that I’m still on the roster.

WR Greg Lewis (speaking with WR Zac Collie)
“Yeah, I understand you went to BYU too, but I’m telling you it doesn’t buy you any help. If big Andy is hungry, and you drop a pass, he will eat you. What do you think happened to Freddie Mitchell?”

QB Donovan McNabb (speaking with QB Kevin Kolb):
“Go away.”

CB Sheldon Brown (speaking with CB Rashard Barksdale)
“You can go talk to him, but I’m not introducing you. I’m still afraid of Kearse. I don’t think your arms are supposed to reach that far.”

FB Thomas Tapeh (speaking with RB Nate Ilaoa)
“I wouldn’t worry about those passing drills too much – this isn’t really a passing offense. Besides, they’ll still throw to you even if you drop every single pass your way. ”

FS Brian Dawkins (speaking with FS C.J. Gaddis)
“No, I didn’t know that you’re a safety out of Clemson too. That’s pretty cool. Did you know I can snap a grown man in two like a twig? No? Why don’t you back off a little then.

QB Koy Detmer (speaking with LB Akeem Jordan)
“Yeah, I know my name isn’t on there, but trust me: I always make the team.”

More phun phacts

I found some more training camp tidbits for ya:

Jason Davis – FB, 3rd year
Phun Phact: He is one of three fullbacks on the team, all of whom are under 250 pounds and can’t catch passes. But he’s the only one who’s also under six feet tall (5-11) so that sets him apart.

Kevin Curtis – WR, 6th year
Phun Phact: Curtis is a Mormon, decreasing his chances of being eaten by Andy Reid during an angry cut-day binge session. Cannibalism is part of their religion, you know.

Ryan Moats – RB, 4th year
Phun Phact: He took a Western Caribbean cruise with his wife in 2007. Apparently, the Eagles PR staff thinks that’s interesting enough to include in his official biography.

William Thomas – OT, 11th year
Phun Phact: Formerly known as “Tra Thomas,” he began using his real name during the 2006 offseason. Also, next year he plans to change his name to “Thurman Thomas” and then “Donovan McNabb Thomas” in 2009.

Dereck Faulkner – WR, rookie year
Phun Phact: He was born in Germany, says he grew up idolizing Mike Quick and played all of his college ball at little-seen Hampton University. Sounds like a foreign spy to me, possibly communist.

Takeo Spikes – LB, 11th year
Phun Phact: If you come across the middle, he will straight-up murder you.

Training for training camp

With Eagles training camp coming up this week, here's a quick guide to some names you should know on the team.

Sav Rocca – P, rookie year
Phun Phact: Rocca is a well-known Australian Rules Futebal player who came to American with the singular goal of kicking Dirk Johnson’s ass.

Max Jean-Gilles – OG, 2nd year
Phun Phact: He has both the biggest girth on the team (358 pounds) and the girliest name on the team (Max Jean-Gilles).

Erick Harris – S, 2nd year
Phun Phact: He has played Division 1-AA college football, NFL Europe football, and Arena League 2 football, but not any pro ball. And he won’t this year either.

Jon Dorenbos – LS, 6th year
Phun Phact: He’s the Eagles long snapper. His name is not Mike Bartrum.

Brian Dawkins – S, 13th year
Phun Phact: Dawk needs two sacks to become the third man in NFL history to record 20 interceptions and 20 sacks in a career. Also, with four more sacks, he will officially have to register with police as a deadly weapon.

Rashad Barksdale – CB, rookie year
Phun Phact: His middle name is unique. No, not unusual. “Unique.” And, ironically, there’s nothing else special about him listed in the media guide.

Trying to let go

So I'm watching that baseball game Sunday night, and in the eighth inning Ryan Howard leads off with a double, the first extra-base hit of the night for the team (which trails 10-zip). Aaron Rowan strikes out, and Pat Burrell follows with a pop-up.

Greg Dobbs comes to bat, and the Cardinals reliver bounces a pitch five feet in front of home plate and over the catcher's head. Howard breaks for third, but the third base coach John Vukovich inexplicably waves him off as the ball rolls around. Ryan retreats to second, and the crowd starts booing at the horrible call.

Announcer Joe Morgan immediatley launches into a tirade, asking what the fans are thinking and noting "it's not like one run is going to matter anyway."

And that's the difference between loyal Philly fans and loyal idiot baseball fans. One expects their team to be trying no matter what, and the other thinks you should be content with losing.

By the way, 44,872 fans attended the historic Phillies loss Sunday. That's better than the attendance at three of the Braves last five home playoff games.

I'm going to break with tradition here and try to be postive about the recent and inevitable events with the Phillies. so, here are 10,000 reasons why 10,000 losses aren't such a bad thing to worry about:

1 -- The Phillies have been around forever.
The reason the Phils have so many losses is because they're officially the oldest team in baseball (124 years, to be exact). No other MLB team has been around longer under the same name -- the Phils have always been the Phils, never the Beanaters or Alleghenys or Redlegs. So of course they have the most losses.

2 -- Those are mostly away numbers.
While the Phils overall record is under .500, their home record since 1883 is 4,840-4,576 -- a healthy .514 winning percentage. So more people have seen the Phils lose when they are the visiting team. When they're around fans, they tend to do better.

3 -- The Braves will be there soon enough.
Currently they're in second place on the all-time losses list, at just under 9,700. By the end of the 2012 season they'll reach the dubious milestone too. Only when they hit it, there won't be thousands of extra fans at the park to boo. They'll be the typical apathetic 15,000 attendance for the lousy Hotlanta fans.

4 -- You don't have to worry about the next bad benchmark.
Even if things keep going downhill at the same rate, 20,000 won't come until around 2140, well after we're all watching games from the bleacher seats up in heaven. True, we could still be around for loss 15,000 in 2072, but nobody cares about those midway milestones.

5 -- At least they won one World Series.
Fans in Milwaukee, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Colorado, San Diego, and San Francisco can say their teams have fewer losses, but they also have a combined zero World Series. And the state of Texas has never seen a World Series winner. So at least Philly has a few (very few) glory days of baseball to look back on.

6 to 9,999 -- Why don't you shut it up over there before Chase Utley comes over and makes you shut it up?

10,000 -- It's the ultimate trump card.
Boston had another four-game losing streak? The Niners were supposed to be good this year and they stink? The Red Wings haven't won a title in five years? Tell them to cry you a freakin' river. Your baseball team has lost 10,000 games, and you're still rooting for them. So they can just quit their complaining or admit to being the lousy front-runners they are.

And, if they don't take kindly to that, Chase Utley has something to say to them.

iFalse iAdvertising

In case you missed it this week, Apple began selling its first iphones – pocket sized wonder toys that can make calls, surf the web, play mp3s, show movies …

But there are a few things the device can do that Apple has decided not to advertise. Here are some of the rejected uses for the $600 gadget:

Bottle opener

Listening to Bill Gates podcasts

Fashionable jewelry

Finding directions for the nearest payphone

Playing Pong

Editor's wife's note: Suck it Mac. He did this completely with Microsoft Paint.

Draft preview

The Sixers have three picks in the first round of tomorrow night's draft, so here's an early look at who they might be picking:

Jeff Green, SF, Georgetown
Pros: “Great basketball IQ” according to ESPN.com. I guess that means he understands when the ball goes in the bucket, its worth either two or three points.
Cons: Scouts question his passion for making himself a better player. And the last guy they drafted from Georgetown with questions like that tended not to show up for practice.

Julian Wright, SF, Kansas
Pros: Has both “tremendous upside” and “great length” according to NBA.com. If the had “explosive quickness” too, he’d have the cliché trifecta.
Cons: Dude’s name is Julian. He might be a girl. And most of those WNBA players stink.

Acie Law IV, PG, Texas A&M
Pros: “Loves to have the ball in his hands at key moments” according to SI.com. That’s good, since the entire offense runs through the point guard.
Cons: The Sixers have struggled for years with two AIs. Adding an AC probably isn’t the answer.

Kevin Kolb, QB, Houston
Pros: “Good arm strength and ability to run the offense” according to NFL.com.
Cons: He might still be available in the second round, after all the good players have been taken. Also, like the Eagles, the Sixers don’t need another QB.

Chase Utley, 2B, UCLA
Pros: Arguably one of the best athletes in Philadelphia since Mike Schmidt. Good arm, great defense could be real assets to a no-name Sixers team.
Cons: At 6-1 he's a bit short, even for a point guard. Also, he's gonna be a little busy when Sixers training camp opens in late August.

No one, no position, no school
Pros: According to the draft experts, after the top two picks "no one" is expected to be a huge star in the league. Also, picking "no one" won't leave fans disappointed when he blows.
Cons: The Sixers already have "nobody" playing defense and "hardly anyone" scoring, so it might be a tough team to rally fans behind.

Kobe Bryant, SG, never went to college
Pros: Philly boy (sorta) who wants out of LA (sorta) could be traded for a number of draft picks (maybe) and revitalize his image in the Eastern Conference (probably not).
Cons: Fans would much, much rather see "no one" picked up before this jerk.

To help put it in perspective

As the Phillies inch closer and closer towards that 10,000th loss, here's a visual representation to help you get your mind around it:











Yep, that's 9,991 pictures of Kim Batiste, which I feel like is a good summary for the Phillies history.

First fantasy football post of the season

It’s that time of year again

Since there’s only 69 days left until my fantasy football live draft for the pay league (no, I’m not kidding, they already set it up) I wanted to take a peek at some of the proposed scoring rules we’re considering for this year:

1 – You can draft LT on even weeks or odd ones, not both
** Frankly, even with half his production LaDanian Tomlinson is a better pick than most players. If we did this last year, he would have been the ninth and 10th best RBs available.

2 – Coach draft: One point per pound lost
** Andy Reid seems like a no-brainer here, but remember he already slimmed down to just under 700 pound last season. The sleeper pick here is Falcons’ coach Bobby Petrino, who may be eaten alive when crazy Mike Vick goes cannibal. That’s 230 points right there.

3 – Raiders players to be included in the draft
** It seems odd to include minor leaguers in with everyone else, but if the NFL is going to do it we might as well let the idiots in our league do the same. So feel free to grab Jamarcus Russell early.

4 – Five-point penalty per player suicide attempt
** This will be referred to as the "T.O. rule" from this point forward. No extra penalty if he's successful.

5 – 50-point bonus for drafting Akers
** Just because.

Checking in on the local teams

Heard on the radio first thing this morning:

"Orioles fans.....

"Brian Roberts came back from an early season injury to lead the league in stolen bases and be among the leaders in batting average, on-base percentage and hits over the last month. What will he do over the next month?

"The O's take on the Padres Tuesday night. Don't miss the action."

Let's pretend for a minute that B-Rob could be one of the major draws of the American League (even though currently ranked 72nd in Yahoo's player rankings). Here's what happened to the O's in the next few hours:

-- Manager Sam Perlozzo was canned.

-- The team snapped its eight game losing streak ... by taking a day off.

-- The team was sent out of town. They say its for a six-game road trip, but ...

You can really feel the brob. Don't miss the action.

Sopranos rewrite

Imagine if The Sopranos writers were in charge of finishing off other classics:
---------------------------------------------------
Footloose

McCormack hugs the other teens and walks over to the record player. He puts on Journey's “Escape” album and the sound of “Don’t Stop Believing” fills the auditorium.

McCormack: Let’s dance!

The teens triumphantly take to the dance floor and … fade to black.
---------------------------------------------------
Rocky

Balboa returns to his corner after round 14; his eyes are completely swollen shut, the cut on the side of his brow is still gushing. The ringside doctor wants to stop the fight, but the boxer ignores him.

Mickey: "You can throw in the towel, Rock. Nobody's gonna say ya didn't give ya all. You're just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit ... I mean Philly."

Rocky: "You ain't stopping nothing."

Balboa rises to his feet amid the thundering applause. He walks to the center of the ring for the start of the final round and ... fade to black.
---------------------------------------------------
JFK's inaugaration

The 35th president of the U.S. appears on the steps of the Capitol.

"I do not shrink from this responsibility -- I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation.

“Don't stop believing, my friends. Hold on to that feeling. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it.

“And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you..."

Then he walks off the stage.
---------------------------------------------------
Seinfeld

Pretty much the same ending, actually.
---------------------------------------------------
Raiders of the Lost Ark

Belloq recites an ancient Jewish prayer and begins to remove the cover of the ark. The Nazis stand at attention, cherishing the moment of victory.

Indy: Marion! Cover your eyes!

Marion: What?

Indy: Cover your eyes! Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues!

Belloq peers down into the uncovered relic and sees … the closing credits.

Know your James names

Since he's been in the news lately, it's time for everyone’s favorite game:

Can you correctly identify
King James (the athlete),
King James (the monarch),
or James King (the actress)?

1 – Known for presiding over the Golden Age of Elizabethan literature.
Answer: Click here

2 – Known for presiding over the Golden Age of Cleveland basketball
Answer: Click here

3 – Known for golden hair.
Answer: Click here

4 – Discovered at age 15.
Answer: Click here

5 – Discovered at age 14.
Answer: Click here

6 – Discovered at age 1.
Answer: Click here

7 – Had a bit part in the movie “White Chicks.”
Answer: Click here

8 – Had a bit part in the show “The Simpsons.”
Answer: Click here

9 – Had a bit part in the movie “Pocahontas II.”
Answer: Click here

10 – One of the best basketball players in the world, and a complete asshole.
Answer: Click here

How'd you do? Any fewer than 5 right and you need to start watching some NBA action. Any more than 8 and you need to stop watching Jamie King movies.

Spelling bee subliminal messages

Actual messages hidden in the word lists used in today's first rounds of the national spelling bee.

* Ghastly typographical dilemma exasperates disappointed optimists.

* Bizarre impediment facilitates academic humiliation.

* Compunctious yeanling trafficking requisite sanctimonious exhilaration.

* Uncensored utterance eclipses jubilant zaniness.

* Confusable answerer gesticulates.

Happy 30th, G

As always, all the stars come out each May to let Chris know they're thinking of him.

24, Day 6.1

In case you missed it, here's the paper from the day after this year's 24 ended. Click on the front page to make it bigger.

Lessons learned from trivia night

... at a local bar ... while I was drinking...

1 -- One-third of the residents of Nevada are employed in tourism.

2 -- Sir Frances Drake was know as "the dragon" to his enemies.

3 -- Sober or drunk, I can only name three Dickens novels ("A Tale of Two Cities," "David Copperfield" and "Oliver Twist." Apparently, "A Christmas Carol" is a very long short story.)

4 -- The 80s hair band who performed "When I see you smile" was Bad English.

5 -- Letting the barmaid who's scoring the contest share your french fries does not earn you extra points.

6 -- Yuengling is delicious even if your thinking while drinking.

7 -- If anyone ever asks you who won in Alien vs. Predator, go with Predator, even though it's obvious that Alien won. The Predator didn't make it back to his home planet, right? So he lost. Alien won, no matter what the judge says. And don't let him convince you otherwise.

Advice from video games

Today’s episode: Questions sent in by readers answered using commentary by Bob Costas and Harold Reynolds on Triple Play 2002, while controlling the AL All-Stars against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (final score: 25-0).

Dear AFVG,
What’s the weather supposed to be like tonight? I missed the 5 o’clock news, and I really need to find out.
-- H. Scwartz, Philadelphia
Reynolds: Ooooh, boy! We’ve got a hot one tonight!
Costas: I hear that.

Dear AFVG,
I’m a sports writer who usually covers basketball, but I’ll be doing a little baseball writing this year. Any advice how to pick up on the nuances of the game?
-- S. A. Smith, Philadelphia
Reynolds: Listen to that ball scream AAAEEEEE! That’s outta here.
Costas: Well said. I hear that.

Dear AFVG,
It seems to me that you guys, like all commentators, just say the most obvious things and then repeat it again and again. I don’t really have a question. I just wanted you to know that I hate you.
-- J. Rome, Los Angeles
Costas: That got out of here in a hurry.
Reynolds: You said it. That one got out of here in a hurry.

Dear AFVG,
My teammate has been making trips out late at night and coming home with bloodshot eyes and odd behavior. The other guys think he’s buying pot, but I don’t think coach would allow that. What do you think?
-- T. Romo, Dallas
Reynolds: He grabbed that one and smoked it!
Costas: You said it.

Dear AFVG,
What do you think about Roger Clemens return to baseball? Will this guy be able to be as impressive as he was in the past? Eveyone's a fan of him now, but I wonder if they'll change their mind right away if he struggles.
-- D. Patrick, Bristol
Reynolds: This pitcher is done. They gotta get him out of here.
Costas: And he catches him with the fastball! Strike out, Clemens!
Reynolds: Ooooh, boy! This guy still has great stuff. He’s unbelievable.
Costas: And that about wraps it up. From all of us at EA Sports, good night, folks.

Draft recap, list style

Top five guys with names that make you giggle
1: Quinn Pitcock, DE, drafted by the Colts in the 3rd
2: Syndric Steptoe, FS, drafted by the Browns in the 7th
3: Mansfield Wrotto, OG, drafted by the Seahawks in the 4th
4: Legedu Naanee, WR, drafted by the Chargers in the 5th
5: Chansi Stuckey, WR, drafted by the Jets in the 7th

Top five guys with football appropriate names
1: Jacob "Defense" Bender, OT, drafted by the Jets in the 6th
2: Kevin "Bring the" Payne, FS, drafted by the Bears in the 5th
3: "No" Gaines Adams, DE, drafted by the Bucs in the 1st
4: Ken "Put 'em in" Shackleford, OT, drafted by the Rams in the 6th
5: Keith "I'm not Keith Jackson" Jackson, DT, drafted by the Rams in the 7th

Top five guys with confusing names
1: Jamaal Anderson, DE, drafted by Falcons in the 1st
He's not this guy.
2: Steve Smith, WR, drafted by the Giants in the 2nd
He's not this guy.
3: Anthony Gonzalez, WR, drafted by the Colts in the 1st
He's not this guy.
4: Chris Henry, RB, drafted by the Titans in the 2nd
He's not this guy.
5: Courtney Brown, CB, drafted by the Cowboys in the 7th
He's not this guy.

Top five guys who would have been a better second-round pick than that stinking QB Kolb the birds took
1: Dwayne Jarrett, WR, drafted by the Panthers in the 2nd
2: John Beck, QB, drafted by the Dolphins in the 2nd
3: Paul Posluszny, LB drafted by the Bills in the 2nd
4: Troy Smith, QB, drafted by the Ravens in the 5th
5: Randy Moss, WR, traded to the Patriots for a 4th

Top five guys I'll use in anagrams next year
1: Uche Nwaneri, OG, drafted by the Jaguars in the 5th
"A chewier nun"
2: Adam Koets, OT, drafted by the Giants in the 6th
"Smoke a tad"
3: Joel Filani, WR, drafted by the Titans in the 6th
"O elf in jail"
4: Prescott Burgess, LB, drafted by the Ravens in the 6th
"Cops err, get busts"
5: Michael Coe, CB, drafted by the Colts in the 5th
"A comic heel"

Liveblogging Draftsgiving

Not really.

But I did take thorough notes throughout Saturday's festivities, to capture the moment. I'll get to those wretched draft picks later this week, but here's a taste of the excitement you missed at the fort:

11:20 am -- Opened the first beer, and wished everyone luck and happiness for the day.

12:30 pm -- Drank and played PS2 hockey.

2:30 pm -- Drank and played PS2 hockey.

3:30 pm -- Drank and played PS2 golf.

4:45 pm -- Drank and cursed as the Eagles traded their pick to Dallas.

5:30 pm -- Drank and cooked steaks.

6:00 pm -- Ate and played PS2 hockey.

7:45 pm -- Drank and cursed as the Eagles drafted a QB I'd never heard of.

9:00 pm -- Ate and played PS2 golf.

11:15 pm -- Ate and watched "Transformers: The Movie."

1:15 am -- Wondered why I didn't drink while watching that movie.

1:45 am -- Passed out, possibly while drinking.

Aren't you sad you missed it? Keep the last weekend in April open next year.

Game on

Fort Awesome is ready for Draftsgiving.




Are you?

Draftsgiving viewing schedule

Here is the recommended viewing schedule for Draftsgiving Day.

Please note all shows on TV2 may be pre-empted by additional PS2 use, should a second PS2 be available. Also, the first beers should be opened no later than 11:50 am.

12 pm
TV1 – PS2: NHL 2007
TV2 – MASN: Baseball, Orioles vs. Indians (rooting for Indians)
TV3 – ESPN: NFL Draft coverage

2 pm
TV1 – PS2: Fight Night 2004
TV2 – ESP2: Track, Penn relays (rooting for discus)
TV3 – ESPN: NFL Draft coverage

4 pm
TV1 – PS2: Mortal Kombat II
TV2 – NBC: Hockey, Sharks vs. Red Wings (rooting for Sharks)
TV3 – ESPN: NFL Draft coverage

6 pm
TV1 – PS2: Mortal Kombat II
TV2 – TNT: Basketball, Cavaliers vs. Wizards (rooting for LeBron)
TV3 – ESPN: NFL Draft coverage

8 pm
TV1 – PS2: NHL 2007
TV2 – ESPN: Basketball, Spurs vs. Nuggets (rooting for AI)
TV3 – ESP2: NFL Draft coverage

10 pm
TV1 – Movie: Shaun of the Dead
TV2 – PS2: Twisted Metal Black
TV3 – TBS: Baseball, Braves vs. Rockies (rooting for snow)

12 am
TV1 – NFLN: NFL Europe, Hamburg at Frankfurt (rooting for Hamburg)
TV2 – PS2: NHL 2007
TV3 – ESPN: Whatever they put on

Getting you ready for Draftsgiving

I just noticed that the draft countdown clock is off by two hours. It's a little late to fix it now, but please make the appropriate adjustments to your schedules.

Also, in case you're not in the mood yet, here's last year's Draftsgiving Eve post to help you get your lazy on.

Japan posts wrap-up

We're safe and sound back at Fort Awesome, but I just wanted to wrap up a few loose ends before I get into the last-minute Draftsgiving preparations tomorrow.

First, I know several of you doubted the stories about my proposal to the Japanese government, their near-recognition of Draftsgiving day, and my decision to withhold the holiday from the Far East because of YMCA. I offer you this undeniable proof:


Second, I wanted to show you a picture of the luxury hotel near the imperial palace that we stayed in, but it didn't turn out. But I did get this picture of the map describing the deluxe accommodations:


Third, a few of you questioned why the site wasn't switched to "Off base" while I was 7,000 miles from Fort Awesome. Of course, we all know that Fort Awesome is a state of mind as well as a heavily fortified military facility, so I didn't feel it was necessary. Fort Awesome was always in my heart.

Also, that would have taken extra work.

And finally, this web site finally has a patron saint: I made sure to pray at the shrine for the Buddist god of public entertainment, better known for its tangible form of the tuniki, a raccoon dog creature. It's also known for its ... um ... prolific assets.


Feel free to use this site for all your prayer needs.

Japan post #5

You'd be surprised how similar Tokyo and any major U.S. city are:

Japan post #4

Bad news about my legislative efforts, my friends. I've formally withdrawn my application to have the Japanese Diet recognize Draftsgiving.

Let me explain.

Yesterday we managed to make it over to the Tokyo Dome to catch some good old fashioned Far East baseball. It was a hoot, even if my beloved Nippon Ham Fighters got shut out by the Soft Bank Hawks.

The game was constant noise, all of it positive. Whenever the Hamsters (actual nickname) got up to bat, their 5,000 fans in the bleachers sections rose, screamed out complex fight songs and swayed in rythm until the half inning was over. When the Hotlanta Hawks (not an acutal nickname) got up, their 5,000 bleacher fans, segregated on the other side of the outfield, did the same.

Even though no one booed, it was awesome. Beer girls carried a quarter-keg backpack up and down the aisles. Every strikeout got a standing ovation. Every double got a standing ovation. When the Hawks star hit a grand slam (the first I've seen live) their bleacher bums nearly rioted, and the Hammies fans sat quietly.

Then came the fifth inning.

After the Hamsters went down 1-2-3, a shrill-voiced woman came on the PA and asked everyone, in English, if they knew what time it was. Everyone stood up. Cheerleaders lined the infield, and the ground crew bowed to the stands.

And then everyone started singing YMCA.

Loudly.

Everyone.

Needless to say I learned a valuable lesson: When you export culture without conscience, you can do horrible things like convince an entire nation that the seventh-inning stretch can be and should be replaced by YMCA.

Until I'm sure the people of Japan understand that the Cowboys are evil, that Mike Vick is not a quarterback, and that Fred Taylor's groin is not something to be celebrated, I can't in good conscience push the complexity of Draftsgiving on them. The legislators here seemed to understand, in that when I told the guards at the pariliment building that they did not appreciate football enough they kindly asked me to leave.

We'll wrap up our fun over here in the next few days, and spend a little more time teaching the locals to love pigskin rather than forcing them to accept the NFL as their own personal savior.

Japan post #3

To show my dedication to bringing Draftsgiving to the Far East, I spent all of yesterday climbing to the top of the legendary Mount Hinokuchi.



So far, the locals have not been impressed.

Japan Post #2

Just to give you an update – so far the Japanese government has been reluctant to recognize Draftsgiving officially, in large part because of the lack of formal preparations underway at this late date, issues about the availability of draft coverage and Yeungling, and the fact that such a move could encourage Joe Theismann to travel overseas.

However, lawmakers did pass a resolution which mandates all citizens spit whenever they say T.O. (it comes up a surprising amount in Japanese conversations). So that’s progress.

The mandatory spit law is very odd and all over the news here, but you probably didn’t hear about it back in the states. That’s the liberal western media for you, always coving the pro-Cowboys stories but never paying attention to important things like the link between the 3-4 defense and constipation.

Wasn’t that why Parcells always made that face?

Japan Post #Wan

What I’ve learned so far…

Things that Japan does better than the US

1: Toilet seats
-- Over here, every toilet seat is heated. Yes, heated. When you sit down, your butt is warm. Why this is not standard in every civilized country is beyond me.

2: Aluminum cans
-- You want ice tea from a can? You can get that from a vending machine. You want hot tea from a can? Same vending machine. Hot coffee? Same can, same vending machine.

3: Baseball
-- West Coast 4pm games come on over here at 5am. East Coast night games are on TV at 8am, and West Coast night games at 11 am. Then, at 4pm, the Japanese teams games are on TV.

Things the US does much better than Japan

1: Fish
-- They have whole restaurants over here where the cooks routinely forget to cook the fish. And none of these people seem to realize they’re eating raw fish.

2: Elections
-- The local elections in Tokyo feature no street signs, no TV ads, no pamphlets. Instead, they have trucks with loudspeakers driving around town at all hours shouting out things like "Vote for change" and "Help me beat my wife." At least that’s what it sounds like.

3: Football
-- I actually found NFL Europe games on TV. That’s not healthy. And, despite the fact that I’ve been here for three days, they still have not recognized Draftsgiving as a national holiday.

The Draftsgiving post

Here's just a small part of the presentation I'll be giving next week to the Japanese prime minister ... or at least the guy who looks like him standing in the imperial gardens.

Defining Draftsgiving

What's the greatest holiday of the year? That's right, it's Thanksgiving. No gifts to by, no mandatory church services, no singing or decorating, no planting trees that'll fall down in a windstorm and wipe out your car in a few years (stupid Arbor Day). Thanksgiving is all about eating, watching football, eating, taking a nap, eating, having pie and a beer, and eating.

Don't we all deserve another Thanksgiving on the calendar? But where would we put it? April would be perfect, but there's no football to watch (don't peddle that Arena League crap around here). And without football, what would Thanksgiving be? Just another Thursday bingefest, without the deep joy of watching the Cowboys lose.

But hold on -- the NFL draft is every April. And that's almost football. And it takes a full Saturday just for the first round, where eating and drinking and pie and eating could be done. It's perfect!

And that, my friends, is Draftsgiving.

Essential items for Draftsgiving celebrations

1 -- The NFL Draft and a TV
You can't spell "Draftsgiving" without "draft." Go ahead, try. See? Simply put, the whole idea of having a second Thanksgiving hinges on having football on as an excuse to do nothing but eat and watch football.

2 -- A second TV
No one actually wants to watch draft coverage, of course. The trick is to have it on the first, small TV, so you can say that you're "watching football" without listening to Mel Kiper talk about the Iowa State kicker's unique style. I'd recommend a video game system and Mortal Kombat II on the second TV, or at the very least the NBA playoffs.

3 -- Beer
You're planning on watching 10 hours of draft coverage and accomplishing nothing else for the day. Without beer, this would be impossible. Most physicians I've interviewed agree that beer is the most responsible way to get your body at peak condition for the holiday. Make sure to open the first one before noon.

4 -- At least four other people
It's not a party unless you have five people and alcohol, and it's not a holiday unless there's a party. That's why St. Patrick's Day is loved by all Americans and Presidents Day flounders in government vacation obscurity.

5 -- Steaks off the grill
Feel free to add on as much other food as you'd like, but steaks are to Draftsgiving what turkey is to Thanksgiving. Do you prefer having sushi on Thanksgiving? Go back to Japan, you commie pig.

Optional items for Draftsgiving celebrations

1a -- A third TV
You know, there's nothing wrong with having the NBA playoff game and Mortal Kombat II on at the same time.

2a -- A pile of bad DVDs
The draft ends at 10 p.m., and you have three TVs. Every wonder if Wizard of Oz and Night of the Living Dead sync up and creepy times? Now is your chance to find out.

3a -- Mel Kiper
Really, we could do without him, but chances are he's the only one in the room who is gonna know who that defensive lineman the Eagles just drafted is. Just make sure you don't try to listen to him for more than an hour straight without drinking heavily.

4a -- Footballs
It's the best remote out there. If someone suggests turning off the draft, or going out to hit the local bar, a quick swing pass to the side of their head will correct the situation immediately.

More tips to come as the big day gets closer -- keep an eye on that countdown to the right!

Travel plans

Most of you know I'm going to be traveling to Japan this weekend for 12 days, returning just in time to get Fort Awesome ready for its third Draftsgiving Day bash.

I've been telling you all that the trip is related to work, but I've gotta come clean -- The real reason I agreed to travel so close to my favorite late April holiday (screw Administrative Professionals Day) is because I've been invited to speak before the Japanese Parliament as they consider recognizing Draftsgiving Day as an official holiday.

I'm sure you're as surprised as me. You're saying, "Capt. Awesome, why should I really believe that the Far East has any interest in a sport they never see live and have no athletes in? C'mon."

First off, I can't hear you through this computer unless you have VOIP, which you don't, so stop talking to the screen. And lose the attitude.

Second, the NFL has held exhibition games in Japan 13 times over the last 20 years, 12 times in Tokyo (including in 1993 when the Eagles brought Rich Kottite overseas, lost to the Saints, and for some reason brought him back to the Saints). And no Japanese NFL stars? Are you pretending like WR Noriaki Kinoshita didn't light it up in NFL Europe last year? Did he or did he not lead the league in kick return yards?

The fact is it's only a matter of time before Draftsgiving becomes a worldwide phenomenon, embraced by all cultures and nations (except for those lousy Cowboys fans, who only care about peddling evil and strife). Already, if you type Draftsgiving into Google you get hundreds of different hits worldwide -- just look at this screencap.

Tomorrow, I'll post some basic rules for celebrating the holiday so you can start to prepare your own Draftgiving Day commemoration, and hopefully I'll find time between meetings with Japanese royalty and politicians to keep up with the postings.

Until then, start praying the Eagles don't take another undersized defensive lineman.

Brain drain

I spent so much time focusing on Thiesmann last week, and so much time thinking about my first Draftsgiving post of the year (coming next week), that I'm left vacant and drooling like ... well ... like someone who spent last week thinking about Joe Theismann.

So, to tide you over, here are some quotes to make you stupider.

First from this morning:

"(Florida coach) Billy Donovan needs to do what's financially right for his family, and if that means leaving to go to Kentucky, he should do it." -- Digger Phelps, talking about rumors the coach may leave. His comments came two minutes after he praised the Florida players for staying in school an extra year and not just going for the big bucks in the pros.

"Traffic on Route 301 is backed up because of a down train gate blocking the road. Also, there's a train stopped at the intersection." -- A traffic report on NPR. Turns out they were wrong; That stopped train was what really was backing up traffic.

And now, some classic genius Joe Thiesmann for you:

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." – probably the most famous Thiesmann quote.

“The best way to avoid intentional grounding is to get outside the pocket and throw the ball past the line of scrimmage." – Panthers vs. Eagles, Dec. 4, 2006

“I have a feeling (Ben) Roethlisberger may or may not finish this game tonight.” – Jaguars vs. Steelers, Sept. 18, 2006

“I think you need to be short and quick (to be a kick returner). You don’t have the ‘quicks’ when you’re tall.” – Bengals vs. Jaguars, Aug. 28, 2006

“There’s still a lot of game left.” – Redskins vs. Eagles, Nov. 6, 2005 (said with four minutes left in the second)

Thiesmann sighting

You probably heard about ESPN decision to drop Joe Theismann in favor of good old Jaws -- it's always nice to see a Redskin lose to an Eagle -- but you probably didn't know that Theismann is actively looking for another job outside of football.

I was shocked to find out that just this afternoon he had an interview at the local Best Buy in my nieghborhood, which has been looking for a floor sales manager for the last few weeks. But sure enough, my contacts got me the picture below and managed to sneak me a recording of his meeting with the local brass.

Manager: Mr. Theismann, let me tell you it's an honor to meet you, but I'm very surprised to see you here interviewing for a sales job at our store.

Joe: You shouldn't be. I'm a born salesman. What you have to understand is I was out there selling football every week for ESPN. Without me, those were just games. But when viewers turned in, I sold them the idea of watching those games. That's what football is about.

Manager: Uh, sure. So what do you know about electronics?

Joe: You've gotta have good speed on the sales floor. You can't take your time circling around the phone aisle when the customers are locked into the cameras. But speed isn't enough. You need quickness too. And it helps if you're fast.

Manager: Uh, OK ..... But what do you know about electronics?

Joe: Take Joe Gibbs. Great coach, but he'd never make it as a salesman. Why? Because he's a coach in football, not in sales. You can't take a genius like Gibbs and expect him to be able to sell laptops, or teach him how to race cars. Because what does a football guy know about racing?

Manager: Mr. Thiesmann, I don't know where to start with that one.

Joe: In football, you should always start with the kickoff. Coaches today can't be thinking about a two-point conversion in the fourth quarter when they haven't kicked off the ball yet. In sales, you should start with selling, or with the kickoff. That's just common sense.

Manager: Listen, I'm not sure you're right for this job.

Joe: See that woman? Want to know how to sell her a printer?

Manager: That's a cardboard cutout of a sales associate.

Joe: It's all about the selling. You've got to tell her that printing is about getting ink on the paper, and this machine will take care of that.

Manager: That's a trash can.

Joe: I'd tell her this is a great north-south printer. When the ink hits the paper, it's running downhill. What I'm impressed with is how the paper takes on the ink. That's a great job of knowing your role. Not like that smart-ass Kornheiser. Doesn't he know who the star is?

Manager: Thanks for your time. We'll be in touch.

My sources tell me that on his way out, Theismann tripped over a 5-year-old running around the store in a Lawrence Taylor jersey. Theismann's leg twisted grotesquely under his body as he fell. People around here are still talking about it as the worst injury they've seen since ... well, you know.

Build a back!

Hey, kids! Sad that your team didn't sign a big third-down back this off-season? Now you can build your own! Just click on the picture below, cut out the parts and mix and match until you find a RB that can move forward in short yardage situations.


The best part is your back will play for next to nothing, helping you save money to sign a fifth-string defensive lineman to a multi-year deal. Eveybody wins!

Let's get it on

Another chance to prove you're smarter than me.

Get your yahoo login, then go here.

Click on the "Join Group" button. When prompted, enter the following information:

Group ID#: 102760
Password: stallworth

You only have until noon Thursday, so do it now.

Field of 64, Birds style

Since everyone is required to talk about sports in bracket form this time of year, here's this week's fond look back at the Eagles 2006 season. Click on the pic to view it large.

A warning

You may have heard the sad news about Captain America today.

All I'm saying is that you don't get to captain just by calling yourself "captain." They don't call me Capt. Awesome for nothing, and you're either for the Awesome Army or against it.

So take this as a warning, Crunch. I eat people like you for breakfast.

Dawkins Watch, Sighting #1

I'm launching a new feature this week -- A lot of folks know Brian Dawkins as the greatest safety in the NFL, but few know about the off-field work he's involved in. As a public service, I'll be following him around during the offseason to let you know what he's up to and who he's helping today.


Dawk sighting: 3/6/07
Dawk location: Outside the Philly sports complex
Dawk mood: Chipper
Dawk action: For the past two weeks #20 has been patrolling the sports complex area, keeping crime down and working on a cure for cancer. On Monday, as a car sped carelessly down South 7th, he heroically pushed an 8-year-old girl out of the road and even more heroically pushed a 45-year-old Cowboys fan into the street.

Stay tuned.