Fantasy League 2013 -- week 6 recap

Ways that Nick Foles is a better QB option than Mike Vick:

Age: Foles is 24, Vick is 33

Durability: Foles has broken his hand once. Vick has broken his everything twice.

Cost: Foles makes about $635,000 this year. Vick makes about $7 million.

Ball handling: Foles has zero turnovers against seven TDs this season. Vick has three against 7 TDs.

Quarterbacking: Foles can complete passes. Vick cannot.

Morale: Foles doesn’t make me want to punch my TV. Vick does.

Vick-ness: Foles is not Mike Vick. Vick is.

QB: Cam Newton, 36.68 pts -- started by Sam
WR: Vincent Jackson, 28.60 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Knowshon Moreno, 33.33 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Vernon Davis, 32.00 pts -- started by Jo
K: Mason Crosby, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: St. Louis, 31.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Alec Ogletree, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

In the history of this league, we’ve never had any team score more than 200 pts in a single week. We’ve had a few top 190, but no one has managed to crack the elusive second century mark. And then this week happened.

Sam -- yes, Sam, who does not know a single football player outside the Patriots except for Peyton Manning -- started the Top QB, the top WR, the #2 RB (Jamaal Charles, 28.13 pts), the #2 defense (KC, 28.00 pts), the #5 WR (DeSean Jackson, 22.27 pts) and five other players who scored double-digits to post an unreal 224.41 pts this week. His team had 13 combined TDs and 805 yards of total offense. He didn’t just top 200, he destroyed it.

In summary, we’re all doomed.


3rd place: Alfonso Smith, -1.30 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Chris Maragos, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Minnesota, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

By the way, the New York Giants defense was worth 1 point this week, doubling their value on the year in a single week. Gawd, the Giants are awful.


Geico has started running a new commercial (surprising, right? Those guys make so few commercials) in the DC markets that shows tourists around the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument and the White House reacting in shock as stray baseballs fall from the sky. Finally, a secret service agent looks up and says “Looks like Bryce Harper is taking batting practice again.”

The joke, of course, is that the young Natinals player is so awesome, he can hit the ball two miles from the DC stadium to the historic sites.

Problem is, all of those sites are foul balls -- home plate at the park here faces to the east of the Capitol building. All of those hits would be driven backwards from the plate. So, not just foul. Waaaaay foul. Like, over-his-left-shoulder foul. Geico is saying that Harper can’t get a ball in play even during batting practice.

And that’s awesome.

There have been six league championship series games as of tonight, all of them featuring exquisite pitching. And while I love a pitching gem as much as the next guy, there’s a difference between defensive excellence and total boredom.

Four of the six games have been shutouts. Three of the six were 1-0 wins.

All I’m saying is that if the NFL playoffs featured three games that were 3-0 victories, the commissioner would pass rules the next day barring linebackers from touching running backs and allowing wideouts to catch the ball on one bounce.


Believe it or not, the 3-3 Cowboys will square off against the 3-3 Eagles for the first real first-place test for either team. What does this tell us about the league? About the state of football? About ourselves?

Let’s go to the letters:

Cowboys fight for early lead in standings
** Hotly firing dogs -- NFC east is really bad now

Funny, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make the words “Dallas wins” work in there. but it does also spell …

Cowboys fight for early lead in standings
** Yon, fab gold cord: Eagles win, stay in first

Just saying.

** Ugh -- Dad swept the picks again this week, so I’m somehow down nine in the annual standings after just six weeks. You know what? I barely had to update that sentence from last week. All I did was change the numbers. So terrible.

** Have I mentioned lately how terrible Thursday night games are?

** I'm getting worried that the Giant's complete incompetence (0-6) is distracting my attention from the Maryland Racial Slurs complete incompetence (1-4). I really hope they play soon.

Week 6 standings

1 -- the american way (sam) -- 938.43
2 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 896.60
3 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 874.50
4 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 860.95
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 813.83
6 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) --797.95
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 740.78
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 718.41
9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 716.76
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 697.84
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 651.27

Again, for the record: Sam doubled up seven different teams with his 224-pts outing this week, which was more than enough to vault him into first. Paul and Jeff had terrible, sub-100-pts weeks, and the rest of us fared only slightly better. Let’s try a little harder in week 7, OK?

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 5 recap

** Broncos QB Peyton Manning (20 TDs so far) is on pace for 64 passing TDs -- the single season record is 49. Giants QB Eli Manning (8 TDs so far) is on pace to toss 26 TDs.

** However, Eli (12 INTs so far) is on pace for 38 INTs this season -- the single season record is 42. Peyton (1 INT so far) is on pace to throw 3.

** Peyton’s Broncos (5-0) are on pace to outscore opponents by 291 pts this season -- the single season record is 315 pts. Eli’s Giants (0-5) are on pace to be outscored by 320 pts.

** Peyton’s Broncos scored 51 points on Sunday. Eli’s Giants have scored 51 points over their last four games.

** A google search for "Peyton Manning winner" returns over 128 million results. A google search for "Eli Manning dopey" returns 92,000.

QB: Tony Romo, 50.94 pts -- on Ant’s bench
WR:Alshon Jeffery, 31.03 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
RB: Pierre Thomas, 28.27 pts -- on Paul’s bench
TE: Julius Thomas, 29.13 pts -- started by Sam
K: Alex Henery, 20.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 31.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Calias Campbell, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Rough week out there, kids -- Three top performers left on the bench contributed to some sad scores around the league. Ant lost 33 pts to bench decisions (which would have been enough to bounce him into 7th place), Paul lost 25 pts (which would have kept him in first), and Jeff managed to leave 31 pts on his bench while starting two players on a bye and an injured Calvin Johnson. And he’s still beating most of you.


3rd place: Damian Williams, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Dallas, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place:NY Giants, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Not to pile on the Giants … aw, who am I kidding, let’s all pile on the Giants! … but the team’s defense through five games this year is worth exactly one fantasy point. That’s all. Kansas City’s D is worth 105 times that (105 pts, for the math challenged out there). They’ve surrendered a league-high 182 points and have the worst time of possession in the league.

On the positive side, ahahahahahaha Eli! This is gonna be a great season.


Former Ravens coach Brian Billick was the color commentator for the Eagles/Giants game on Sunday, and he dropped these gems in the pre-game show:

** “I don’t know that the Eagles have trouble scoring touchdowns. They are the #1 rushing team in the league, after all.” Because, as we all know, every 50 rushing yards counts as a TD.

** “This is a homogeneous league, which means everyone is going to end up within a game or two of .500.” Well, the league is made up entirely of football players...

** “Mike Vick has proven he can win in this league.” At 60-50 for his career, he’s 19th among NFL active starting QBs. So, he has proven he’s as good as any other mediocre passer.

Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that he hopes to have “expanded playoffs” in place by the start of the 2015 season, in an effort to water down … errr … expand the NFL’s brand as much as possible. Here are a few other ideas the league is considering:

** Instead of mandatory concussion tests, they’ll have mandatory concussions for every player.

** A new NFL Network station focusing solely on the Jacksonville Jaguars and their refusal to pick up QB Tim Tebow.

** Instead of 16 regular season games and four rounds of playoffs, they’ll have four regular season games and 16 rounds of playoffs.

** The league will start playing two Super Bowls: One featuring the top AFC and NFC squads, and the other pitting the Cowboys and Steelers against each other every year. Only the latter game will count.

** Instead of kickoffs, they’ll have more ads.


I’m just gonna leave this anagram right here for all the Denver fans out there:

Dallas tallies forty eight points
** Rip-tilt agony: Fatheads still lose

Ahahahahahahaha.
There are weeks to love football, and there are weeks to love football.

** Ugh -- Dad swept the picks again this week, so I’m somehow down seven in the annual standings after just five weeks. Stupid Browns.

** Chip Kelly is now the longest tenured coach in Philly sports. In other news, no Philly team is ever going to make the playoffs again.

** The Eagles get to play back-to-back 0-4 teams, with the winless Tampa Bay Bucs coming off a bye next weekend. How often has that happened in NFL history? Not often, probably. I can’t look all these things up for you people.

Week 5 standings

1 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 785.12
2 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 778.30
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 736.89
4 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome)-- 734.53
5 -- the american way (Sam) -- 714.02
6 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 682.63
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 624.95
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 608.17
9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 604.83
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 600.51
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 550.71

Well, Dad is just gonna be unbearable now…

After five straight weeks of Peyton Manning magic, Dad finally takes over the top spot from Paul. The two of them have opened up a healthy lead on the rest of the field, but at some point the Broncos will score less than 40 in a game, right?

And don’t look now, but Ant has climbed all the way from dead last to eighth place, just a hair behind Joanner. If the league goes the way of the NFC East, he could still win this thing.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 4 recap

At first glance, that 52-20 defeat for the Eagles at the hands of the Broncos looks bad. But, after close evaluation, you realize that it was … really bad. Consider:

** The game was only the third time in the Super Bowl era that the birds have surrendered 50 or more points. The last time came in 1972, during a 62-10 loss to the Giants.

** The Broncos scored 21 points in the third quarter alone, giving them enough points to beat the Eagles four-quarter score.

** Peyton Manning had 327 yards and 4 TDs in only three quarters. Mike Vick has 4 passing TDs in his last 15 quarters of work.

** The Eagles lost 52-20.

OK, maybe that last observation was obvious.

QB: Drew Brees, 40.27 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Victor Cruz, 26.93 pts -- started by Jim
RB: Arian Foster, 26.80 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 33.93 pts -- started by me
K: David Akers, 18.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Indianapolis, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Sean Lee, 16.00 pts -- on the wire

Manning’s drubbing of the Eagles this week may have only made him the second-highest QB this week, but it did make him the first fantasy player to top 150 pts this season. Only three others have even broken 100 (Drew Brees, Philip Rivers and Mike Vick, surprisingly), and Brees #2 at 117 pts.

For comparison, Manning has already scored more in four games this season than Alex Smith, Mark Sanchez, Darren McFadden, DeMarco Murray and Larry Fitzgerald scored in all of 2012. He also has more than Tom Brady and Russell Wilson combined this season, but I don’t think anyone has ever compared Brady and Manning before.

“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Atlanta, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Miami, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Philadelphia, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

The Eagles did manage one sack on Sunday, which saved them from earning the lowest score possible in this league (-6.00 pts). They’re now the worst-ranked defense in the league, but in fantasy scoring, they’re still well ahead of those lowly New York Giants. Through four games, the Eagles D is worth 23 points, tied for fifth worst in the league. The Giants D is worth almost four times less, a mere six points.

** Natinals P Dan Haren said this week that if his team had made the playoffs, “We’d have been the team to beat.” In other news, the Flyers would have won all of the Stanley Cups when they didn’t make the playoffs.

** Coach Chip Kelly said the Eagles “did a lot of good things” in that 52-20 loss to Denver. All six words of that are a complete lie.

** Football analyst Matt Millen spoke to his friends and family this week, and every word that he said made them dumber.

Instead of dwelling on all of the negatives from the Phillies disappointing 2013 season, why can’t we look at the positives? For example:

** Remember those two times the Phillies were a game over .500? And that one five game winning streak?

** Cliff Lee still looks great, right?

** Remember those games where Ryan Howard wasn’t hurt?

** At least the Phillie Phantatic didn’t get hurt?

** Remember when Charlie Manuel wasn't fired?

Ugh. Just ugh.

On any football team, you expect the linemen and the linebackers to be kinda rough guys. And wideouts on every team are jerks. But kickers and punters? If they’re creeps, your team is really just evil. And on the Cowboys, even their punter is a jerk:

Here’s the proof:

Dallas Punter Christopher Jones 
** Sport? Eh. I punch and jeer all sorts.

Of course, since he’s a punter, when he punches people, they barely notice. Still not nice, though.

** Dad picked up two more on me this week, to leave me down four just four weeks into the season. All I’m saying is, this isn’t looking very good.

** The government shutdown killed off scheduled games for the Navy, Army and Air Force football teams. It’s OK if Congress hates America. But hating football? The voters will not stand for this.

** I’ve seen two Delaware football games on TV this season, and only one Eagles game. Granted, the Eagles may be a lower quality of football than the Blue Hens, but it’s surprising.

Week 4 standings

1 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul ) -- 665.82 pts
2 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 625.77 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 618.94 pts
4 -- III-time Champion (me) -- 585.93 pts
5 -- the american way (Sam) -- 540.59 pts
6 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 537.42 pts
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 524.15 pts
8 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 489.33 pts
9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 473.15 pts
10 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 442.98 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 440.00 pts

Dad is making another run at the top, but there’s still a big gap between him and Paul. Remember, Paul finished at the bottom of the league last season, and has put on a remarkable comeback performance this year. What’s your problem? Why can’t you be more like Paul?

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 3 recap

This weekend was a beautiful slate of horrible football games: There were no upsets in college football’s top 25 and only six pro-football games decided by less than a TD. Here’s a quick recap of the most embarrassing beat-downs:

** Ohio State 76, Florida A/M 0
-- The Buckeyes led 34-0 at the end of the first quarter. A/M had 80 yards of offense, just four more than OSU had points.

** Louisville 72, Florida Intl 0
-- Florida Intl only had 30 yards of offense in this one. Louisville’s fourth-string RB had 33 yards himself.

** Miami 77, Savannah St 7
-- Miami had all their scoring in the first three quarters and never punted the ball. Savannah State had seven punts and eight first downs.

** Panthers 38, Giants 0
-- HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks. He’s still on pace for 43 INTs this year. The Giants could be 2-6 at the halfway point of the season, and the wins are only likely because they play the Eagles twice.

QB: Drew Brees, 37.78 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Antonio Brown, 34.65 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: DeMarco Murray, 28.37 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Jimmy Graham, 29.93 pts -- started by Dad
K: Justin Tucker, 14.00 pts -- started by Dad
DEF: Carolina, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Justin Houston, 19.50 pts -- on the wire

Another week, another Eagles opponent on the top performers list. Chiefs LB Justin Houston collected 4.5 sacks, seven total tackles, three pass defenses and one forced fumble in the Thursday night game. He’s never had more than 10 sacks in a season, and he already has 7.5 through three games this year.

“New York, New York” edition

3rd place: Louis Murphy, -0.47 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: New York Giants, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Curtis Painter, -1.36 pts -- on the wire

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks. The Giants defense is worth zero pts on the year, just slightly behind the 66 pts the Kansas City defense has accumulated so far (both are unowned in the league, though). The 38-0 loss by the G-men was the worst defeat of Tom Coughlin’s career, and Giants only totaled 150 yards of offense.

Worse still, they’re two games behind in the NFC East standings and two game behind in the New York standings, now that the Jets are 2-1. Raise your hand if you thought the lowly Jersey Jets would be the better of the Big Apple squads. Now put your hand down and admit that you’re a pathological liar.


** On the Sunday morning Fox pre-game show, injury-addled Terry Bradshaw predicted the Packers could have trouble with the Bengals because of their running backs, “BenJarvis Ben Ellis” and “the other guy.” Because names of players aren’t the kind of thing you can look up.

** Washington Post columnist Sally Jenkins on Sunday wrote that restrictions on college athletes getting payouts “contains about as much justice and reason as stoning women for losing their virginity.” Don’t worry -- in context, it made even less sense.

** The ESPN halftime crew was reviewing the Tennessee-Florida tilt and focused in on a first-half interception by Florida QB Jeff Driskel that was returned for a TD. They spoke for three minutes about the team’s trouble with turnovers before mentioning that Driskel broke his leg on the play, and is out for the season. Might have been a problem worth discussing.

After a 2-14 season last year, the Chiefs are 3-0 this year for only the second time in the last decade, thanks to their portly new coach and his innovative (no, too strong) not-sucky play calling. Is this the same man we saw drive the once-proud Eagles franchise into the ground less than a year ago? Here’s a look at what has changed:

** Improved offense: Yes, they’re only 12th in the league in scoring. But that’s way up from being 32nd in the league last season. Reid doesn’t need to make them into a great offense to be better, only a average one.

** Soft schedule: They’re beaten the Jaguars (worst team in all of football) and two NFC East teams (worst conference in all of football). Granted, Reid couldn’t beat bad teams last year, but he’s not exactly facing the 1985 Bears every week.

** It’s still the regular season: I mean, if the Chiefs had to play in the conference championship game every week, they’d probably be 0-3. But in the regular season, big fat Andy still remembers how to coach.

** Mike Vick: Mike Vick does not play for the Chiefs. Immediately, that adds about eight wins to whatever team you’re coaching.

Cowboys third-year wideout Dwayne Harris made the first start of his career on Sunday, and punctuated the occasion with the second TD grab of his career. And then he punctured some guys lungs, probably, because all of the Dallas players are awful humans.

How do I know? You know the answer.

Dwayne Harris
-- Way harder sin
-- Disarray hewn
-- A randy wisher
-- His drear yawn
-- War’s hairy end

I’d say it’s surprising how often the words “sin” and “disarray” and “war” come up in these anagrams, but it’s not.

** Dad swept our picks this week, so I suddenly went from one up to two down. Ugh. No one was more upset about the Bengals upset of the Packers than me. OK, maybe the Packers. And their fans. And Aaron Rodgers’ Mom. But besides that, no one.

** The Eagles are still in second place. And next week, even if the Eagles lost to Denver (a certainty), they’ll still be in second place, because the Giants and Maryland Racial Slurs are 0-3 and without a division victory. Gawd, the NFC East is terrible this year.

Week 3 standings

1 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 468.75 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 451.07 pts
3 -- the american way (Sam) -- 440.64 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 436.58 pts
5 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 427.78 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 411.27 pts
7 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 399.49 pts
8 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bob) -- 367.90 pts
9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 366.21 pts
10 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 325.29 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 315.13 pts

Huge week for Jeff propels him up near the top of the standings, but Paul still appears comfortable in his perch up there. On the other end, Anthony is out of the basement finally and primed to make a run at the top ... of the bottom half of the standings.

But, it could be worse. You could be the New York Giants. HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 2 recap

On Thursday night, when the Eagles square off against the Kansas City Chiefs and former head coach Andy Reid, they’ll honor former all-Pro QB Donovan McNabb by retiring his jersey at halftime. Naturally, Philadelphia fans began booing the duo's return starting first thing Monday morning.

It’s hard to imagine any scenario that could unjustifiably enrage the Eagles’ faithful fans more than the return of the two polarizing figures, but just this week the team announced a few more ceremonial wrinkles that could up the ante:

** Master of ceremonies for the event will be Terrell Owens.
** Instead of shaking hands with ownership, McNabb will throw a short pass into their shins, for old times’ sake.
** Special introductory video by CBs Dieon Sanders and Ronde Barber.
** A tribute video will feature scenes of fans booing the 1999 draft, followed by fans booing the fans who booed the 1999 draft.
** Saluting from the sidelines will be McNabb’s favorite targets: WRs Torrance Small, James Thrash, Todd Pinkston, Freddie Mitchell, Greg Lewis, Charles Johnson, Reggie Brown, Hank Baskett and Na Brown.
** With one minute left in the halftime ceremony, the Eagles will inexplicably call a timeout.
** McNabb will graciously thank the crowd, thereby enraging them.


QB: Aaron Rodgers, 42.90 pts -- started by me
WR: Eddie Royal, 31.10 pts -- on the wire
RB: Marshawn Lynch, 33.27 pts -- started by me
TE: Jimmy Graham, 27.93 pts -- started by Dad
K: Nick Novak, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 29.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Alterraun Verner, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Always great to see two Eagles opponents on the top performers list. Ugh.

On a more positive note, this week marked a great turnaround Alterraun Verner, the Titans CB who recorded five tackles and an INT returned for a TD this week. Prior to joining the Titans, he was a background villain in the last Star Trek movie. (Alterraun Verner? That is Klingon, right?)


3rd place: Kendall Hunter, -0.70 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Perrish Cox, -0.96 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New York Giants, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

All these terrible scores are making me feel a little Perrish...

After two games, the New York Giants have allowed a spectacular 77 points, worst in the league. But division rival Maryland Racial Slurs are a mere six points behind them, and have actually surrendered 270 more yards to opponents than the G-men. The Slurs are the first team in the league to surrender 1,000 yards of offense this season, an impressive feat. So, the race to the bottom of the NFC East could be a fun one to watch.


** During the Michigan/Akron game (which featured the stupidest officiating I saw this week), the Wolverines followed a 50-yard run with an incomplete 30-yard pass. The Big Ten commentators noted that “Michigan likes to follow up a big play with another big play.” As opposed to teams like Penn State and Wisconsin, whose strategy is to follow up big plays with kneel-downs or turnovers, I guess.

** The local sports talk shows on Monday IDed the Maryland Racial Slurs key problem -- the team isn’t converting third downs. Not that they’ve surrendered 1,000 yards of offense and turned the ball over five times in two games. It’s the third-down conversion rate.

** Somewhere, right now, Matt Millen is still talking about football, and that’s just stupid.

Lost in the disaster of the Giants second embarrassing defeat of the season Sunday was a quiet but significant milestone: QB Eli Manning threw his 150th interception (and 151st just a few minutes later). That’s the most in the NFL over the last nine years, but he’ll have to step up his game significantly to reach Brett Favre’s NFL leading 337 INTs (or his brother’s 206, so far).

Still, he does have an outside shot at breaking the single season record of 42 INTs, set by George Blanda in 1962. With 7 pick-offs in just two games, Eli is on pace for a whopping 56 this year. And he has looked up to the task thus far.

He has also been sacked four times in those two games. Factor that in with a completion percentage around 60, and his penchant for getting frustrated after consecutive incompletions, and his 91 pass attempts so far … Eli is on pace for a whopping 232 dopey face grunts this year, potentially shattering his record 187 dopey face contortions from just one season ago.

That’s a real pro, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s all root for his success in this endeavour.

I don’t know Cowboys rookie Gavin Escobar, but I know he loved being drafted by the self aggrandizing Dallas franchise, because he’s an egomaniac like the rest of those wretched souls. How do I know this? His name, of course.

Dallas Cowboys TE Gavin Escobar
** Crabby clown loves a stage. Adios!

Oh, that’s so forced, you say. You’re forcing messages about his personality by manipulating letters, you say. My response:

Gavin Escobar
** A novice brags

OK, he's arrogant. But how do we know he belongs on Dallas? Is he really evil Cowboys material?
Yeah, you know where this is going:

Gavin Escobar
** A scrag bovine

It’s not coincidence. It’s destiny.

** Dad picked up two games in the weekly picks, thanks to Pittsburgh’s awful Monday night and the Bills’ confounding win on Sunday. He’s one game back in the standings so far.

** That Delaware/Navy game … let’s never speak of it again, OK?

** NBC has had two weather delays in the three NFL games it has broadcast thus far. Think God is pissed they had that stupid Ryan Seacrest intro thing to launch the season on a Thursday night? Me too.


Week 2 standings

1 --- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) --- 321.79
2 --- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) --- 320.61
3 --- the american way (Sam) --- 315.88
4 --- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) --- 300.60
5 --- Bad like Congress (Jim) --- 291.13
6 --- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --- 280.38
7 --- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --- 268.22
8 --- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) --- 267.21
9 --- The Maltese Falcons (Bob) --- 263.69
10 --- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) --- 242.36
11 --- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --- 224.33

Dad closed the gap with Paul for first place, while Sam is close behi … wait, Sam is up top again? I gotta fix this league next year.

Mike becomes the first coach to see his team score under 100 pts for the week (99.64, but it’s still under) which has to be a crushing disappointment for him. Then again, after you make the decision to start a WR named Kenbrell, all the world becomes a disappointment to you.

Fantasy League 2013 -- Week 1 recap

EXCLUSIVE: Eagles coach Chip Kelly sat down with us today to discuss his successful coaching debut and expectations for the rest of the season. Here’s the full transcript:

Q: Coach, congrats on your big win Monday night. You must be thrilled. CK:YouBetchaThatWasAGreatWinForOurGuysICoudn’tBeProuder
LookingForwardToGettingBackOutThereNextWeek.

Q: Um, OK. A lot has been made about how fast your new offense is, and that was really on display this week. But is it really sustainable for the whole year? CK:ShootOurOffenseAintNoQuickerThanAnyOtherGoodTeamOut
ThereWeJustExecutedWellAndStuckWithOurPlanAndIHopeWe
CanDoThatAllYearLong.

Q: What about QB Mike Vick? He’s had injury problems. Can he sustain this kind of tempo week after week? 
CK: Nah. He’ll probably be dead after three games. No biggie.

Q: And what about your defensive lapses in the second half. One of the big problems… CK:SorryYour20SecondsAreUpIGottaGoThanks!

For the record, during the interview Kelly also finished reading “War and Peace” and completed his tax returns for next year.

QB: Peyton Manning, 60.28 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Anquan Boldin, 32.87 pts -- on Sam’s bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 33.00 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Jared Cook, 26.40 pts -- started by Joel
K: Greg Zuerlein, 14.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: Kansas City, 31.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Barry Church, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Manning’s seven-TD performance on Thursday night was the greatest single-fantasy player day in league history (besting the 57.53-pt performance by Mike Vick back in 2010). He’s the sixth QB to throw that many scores in a game, but he’s the first ever to do it on a special Thursday night edition of Sunday night football, because words have no meaning anymore.

Incidentally, Peyton’s younger, dopier brother Eli was the second highest-scoring QB this week, with 36.80 points (despite four INTs and a terrible loss). Together, the Super Manning Bros outscored Tom Brady, Russell Wilson, Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger, Cam Newton and Josh Freeman combined. And they also beat Kevin Kolb by almost 100 points.

3rd place: Marquise Goodwin, -1.00 -- on the wire
2nd place: Trumaine McBride , -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: David Wilson, -2.10 pts -- started by Jo

It’s hard to have a worse debut than Wilson, who managed two fumbles and a measly 19 yards in the opener. On the plus side, he plays in New York, and those fans and sportswriters are known for patience when it comes to their pro athletes. FYI, WR Terrell Owens, who refuses to retire despite no interest from NFL teams, scored zero points this week.

We’re gonna try a different format here this year -- shorter, less analysis of the stupidity -- because, honestly, thinking about these things in depth is causing my brain to atrophy. And we’re already over our brain surgery limit for the year here at Fort Awesome. So, here’s what killed off frontal lobe cells this week:

 ** The local radio folks, every day at 2:59 pm, announce that “we’re about to hit R-G-Three’o’clock.” Because Griffin is so good, he has reinvented how we identify time.

** Matt Millen is still working as a color commentator for college football. Every word that comes out of his mouth that isn’t “I put the only 0-16 team in NFL history together!” is an affront to human decency.

 ** The local paper keeps referring to the Washington Natinals “dwindling” and “vanishing” playoff chances. They’re seven games out with 17 left to play. They’re done. Stop it.

 ** Sports Illustrated has a feature story this week titled “How to beat Bama” with eight steps to upsetting the college juggernaut. 1, 2, and 3 were all “challenge their secondary.” Steps 4, 5, and 6 were “stop their RBs, WRs, and offensive line.” Step 8 was “make it to the fourth quarter.” Step 9, presumably, was “win the game.” It’s simple when you think about it.

 ** All offseason, the NFL execs said they would be more focused on player safety this season. So what do we get the first week? Four safeties, the most ever recorded in a single NFL weekend. Coincidence?

 ** Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez, currently in jail for murder, was ranked 2003 out of 2756 players in Yahoo’s fantasy pre-draft rankings. That means they think that, from prison, there are still 753 players who will score fewer points than him. One of those was free agent QB Tim Tebow, ranked 2755. Why won’t the NFL let him play?

 ** The New York Jets won a game this week. That has to be rigged, right?

The Cowboys selected Wisconsin standout Travis Frederick in the first round this spring, not because they needed a new center, but because all those vowels make him perfect for the weekly anagram insults. Consider:

Travis Frederick
** Decaf river skirt
** Fever-rid sick rat
** Iced fart iks Rev
** Faster driver? Ick
** Verdict: fare risk
** Riveted car frisk
** Starve Rick? Fired.

I don’t know who Rick is, but it’s just unconscionable for the new guy to starve him and he should have been fired for it. He’ll fit right in with these godless bums.

** It’s only one week into the season and I’m three games up on Dad in our weekly picks. The only game I missed this week was the Chiefs over the Jaguars, because I assumed Andy Reid’s QB would throw up all over their field when they arrive in south Florida. I guess it was just the one guy who had that problem.

 ** For the record, in my other league (which involves money) I had to play the guy who started Peyton Manning. And I crushed him anyways. That’s good coaching right there.

 ** Delaware beat Delaware State on Saturday. Next up is Navy, so this is the one weekend a year you can root for the US military to lose.

Week 1 standings

1 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 183.31
2 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 167.57
3 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 155.60
4 -- the american way (Sam) -- 150.59
5 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 148.39
6 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 145.79
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 138.65
8 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 138.18
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 121.14
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 115.10
11 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 105.32

Big props to Paul, not just for his monster opening week but also for his team name change (‘I mildly like WRs’ is great internal comedy).

And even though Ant is all the way at the other end of the scale, even he topped 100 pts this week, which is the first time in league history we have everyone in triple figures in a single week (probably. I’m not going back to check that for accuracy.) So that’s a big round of applause for everyone.

But mostly just for Paul, because he’s in the lead.

Fantasy League 2013 -- preseason predictions

The teams are set, the season is ready to begin, and your fates have already been decided. Here’s how the 2013 fantasy season is going to play out.

11 -- Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected Points: 1864.55
Analysis: Ant wins the best new team name of the year, hands down, but gets ranked dead last because he picked up Tony Romo. Sure, he has two great RBs and four, count ‘em, four WRs to back Drew Brees, but don’t let logic get in the way of rooting for his Romo-laden squad to fail.

10 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo)
Projected Points: 1999.29
Analysis: Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, but sadly even a history major couldn’t prevent Joanner from ending up with Mike Vick on her squad again. On the plus side, she did win the LeSean McCoy/David Akers sweepstakes. And the last time she drafted Tom Brady, he broke his leg in the first game of the season. So...

9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim)
Projected Points: 2001.03
Analysis: Jim’s starting TE this year is Rob Housler. I have no idea who that is. He does have Eli Manning and Victor Cruz, and I know who they are. And I’ll be rooting for their failure every week too.

8 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2079.56
Analysis: Jeff’s team looks good on paper, but sadly for him, we’ve been doing this league on computers since day one. A Detroit QB? A Denver running back? A first round WR? The answer to that Jeopardy entry is “what are three things that never work out in fantasy football.”

7 -- Kickers Rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 2106.41
Analysis: It doesn’t really matter who Sam drafts, because he only knows who the Patriots players are (and even then, he really just knows Tom Brady and former New Englander Wes Welker). Still, relying on Cam Newtown and Jamaal Charles -- the newest RB to be ruined by coach Andy Reid -- is a recipe for disaster.

6 -- I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2146.77
Analysis: Paul’s top two running backs are all-time legend Adrian Peterson and Giovani Bernard, someone who none of you knew was even in the league. He snagged QB Andrew Luck for the second year in a row, but his WR corps is only five deep. That’s not very loving, if you ask me.

5 -- Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2147.77
Analysis: Joel finished a strong fifth last year and will follow up that success with … stagnation. Larry Fitzgerald? Stevan Ridley? Golden Tate? Darren Sproles? Meh. Even his team name feels a year old. Hey, what ever happened to that Tebow guy? I hardly ever hear him mentioned on ESPN nowadays.

4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2200.08
Analysis: Don’t worry -- I don’t really think Dad will finish this high. I just ran out of room at the bottom to rank his team. Dad ended up with no Eagles (which is good), no NFC East rivals (which is good) and Peyton Manning/Arian Foster/Jimmy Graham (which is great). As long as he doesn’t look any deeper at his team (Jonathan Stewart is still in the league?) he should be fine.

3 -- III-time Champion
Projected Points: 2321.21
Analysis: Ugh. I’ve grabbed Marshawn Lynch and Aaron Rodgers, and I still don’t like this team. It’s mostly WR T.Y. Hilton. You don’t win championships with guys who have initials for names. Just ask T.O., or T.J. Houshmandzadeh, or J.R. Montana.

2 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2486.41
Analysis: You can’t coach good coaching, and that’s what Mike brings to the table again this year. That, and three solid WRs, three solid RBs and QB Russell Wilson. Seriously, his worst starter got 128 pts last year, because he was hurt for six games. This could be a bloodbath.

1 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected Points: 2501.33
Analysis: Maybe it’s the magic of Robert Griffin III (you can never have too many IIIs on your team), maybe it’s his deep RB pool, maybe it’s just my attempt to jinx Bob yet again, but this feels like a winning squad. Of course, Bob’s attempt to class up the joint with his team name is an ill-fated endeavor. If he really wants to win, he should switch over to Vick in a Box immediately. The football gods are pretty crude.

Good luck to everyone on the season (except Anthony, he’s already sunk) and remember that the first game comes on Thursday. If you can’t get your lineup set by then, that’s a coaching problem, not a league failing.

Fantasy League 2013 -- draft preview

It seems like only yesterday that I was once again hoisting the Awesome Cup above the heads of my defeated fantasy foes, but another football season is already upon us. And before I can vanquish you all again, leaving you looking as dumbfounded as Eli Manning on a day ending in y, we’ve got to draft our teams.

Draft order rules are the same modified NBA-style system that we have every year (honestly, it’d be so much easier if I just made this up), and everyone’s representatives are here for the draft, so let’s put the names in the hat and see what happens.

11th pick -- Bobert
Bob finished third last year, so getting last in the draft order is stumble for him. Our pop culture expert, represented here by a DVD of “Starship Troopers,” emits a high pitched whine in protest, but is silenced by a nearby bug swatter.

10th pick -- Sam
If we were doing the draft order fair (reverse order of finish from last year), this is exactly where Sam would pick. So, good, I guess? Sam’s proxy, a stuffed bee that sorta looks like Pikachu, offers no fight to the news.

9th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Dammit, one of these years this screwy draft system is going to really benefit me, but it won’t be in 2013. My representative, the Awesome Cup that already bears my name thrice, glistens silently and comfortably on my imaginary mantle.

8th pick -- Jeff
Pretty sure Jeff got screwed here. He finished in the bottom of the pack and still ends up picking late. Still, the Blue Collar Killers’ stand in -- the marker that ruined the collar of my blue shirt -- appears undeterred.

7th pick -- Champ Mike
With Heidi AWOL again this season, Mike is Maryland’s only chance to bring back the Awesome Cup (Fort Awesome actually exists outside the state, under federal statute.) Mike’s rep, a one-legged Donovan McNabb bobblehead, laughs at the challenge.

6th pick -- Dad
The fantasy league hasn’t been kind to Dad in recent years, but can this year be different? Short answer: No. Long answer: No, but his proxy -- a copy of “Into Thin Air” -- displays an inspiring cover picture to try and cover the horrors inside.

5th pick -- Joel
Wait, Joel finished fifth last year? Really? And now he’s picking fifth. That’s karma. His stand-in, a poseable Brutus Buckeye, tilts slightly to the left in excitement before falling over in a pile of shame.

4th pick -- Jim
Ohio is fully accounted for yet again with Columbus’ premier political scribe’s entry into the draft order. His representative, Rand Paul appearing on Fox News, issues a determined but somehow soulless stare in response to the challenge.

3rd pick -- Joanner
Jo, who lives in the same home as the Awesome Cup champion and yet does not get to claim any ownership of said trophy, has a chance to redeem her miserable 2012 campaign with a high pick this year. Her representative, herself, asks why we go through this complicated and completely unseen draft process every year. She is immediately docked 50 points.

2nd pick -- Ant
And with the second pick, Anthony selects LaDanian Tomlinson. Again. You all know he’s going to. It’s already happened like five times in league history. Ant’s proxy, his godson, asks he can have more Fruity Cheerios before going to bed. Of course not. Cheerios are for winners.

1st pick -- Paul
Congrats to our own wide receiver support group leader on grabbing the coveted Adrian Peterson spot in this year’s draft. Or Calvin Johnson, if Paul is drunk that night. His stand-in, an old-time leather Eagles helmet, stiffens with pride at the early victory.

Get ready kids -- set your draft order by Friday night at 8, and I’ll switch the draft on sometime that evening. And then the beat downs begin.

And switch your team names to something new, if you haven’t already. Right now, Anthony has the best one by far.

Just a reminder, here's what you're all playing for:

Because preseason means everything

Vick so far this preseason: 13/15, 199 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
Vick's seasons in the pros: 10 (not including jail time)

Years with a QB rating over 85: 2
Years with 3,000-plus yards passing: 2
Years with 20 TD passes: 2
Seasons with 16 starts: 1

Years with double digit INTs: 5
Years with five or more fumbles: 4
Years with 30-plus sacks: 5
Years with 3 or fewer rushing TDS: 7

But, yeah, I guess two good pre-season games shows that Vick has great potential.

Worst fantasy football pick ups for 2013

** QB R. Griffin
(Ryan, Saints 4th stringer)

** WR C. Johnson
(Charles, Packers 4th stringer)

** WR J. Green
(Jared, Cowboys 5th stringer)

** TE Celek
(Garrett, 49ers 3rd stringer)

 ** RB D. Williams
(Deonte, Raiders 5th stringer)

**QB M. Vick
(Mike, Eagles 1st stringer)

Coolest out of focus picture ever

 

It's just a fun ballpark picture at first glance, but once you get the IDs on there, you see it's the 1993 Phillies standing beside the 2013 Phillies at this Sunday's game. Click to see it a little bigger. 

A little bigger, for the vision impaired. 

Days above .500

A look back at the number of days Philly sports teams have boasted a winning record from Aug. 1, 2012, until July 31, 2013.

** 2012 Phillies (partial season) -- 14 days
** 2012 Eagles -- 34 days
** 2012-13 Sixers -- 43 days
** 2013 Flyers -- 0 days
** 2013 Phillies (partial season) -- 2 days

Total days with a winning record = 93
Total calendar days = 365
Total sports days = 563
Percent sports days with a winning team = 16.5%

Oof.

Terrible fantasy football names, 2013

** All Braun, no brains
** AP's PEDs (who rushes for 2100 yds after a leg injury?)
** Mike Vick 4Never
** Big fat Chief Andy
** Tim TE-bow (who else is playing TE for them?)
** Robert Gimpy III
** ImaginManti Friends
** Geno's NY Deli
** Bad Romo-ance
** Eli Manning blows

34 innings in 26 hours

Here’s a closer look at the Phillies back-to-back-to-back extra-inning games this weekend:

* At bats (Phillies) = 121
* At bats (White Sox) = 122

* Hits (Phillies) = 27
* Hits (White Sox) = 31

* Runs (Phillies) = 10
* Runs (White Sox) = 9

* Pitchers used (Phillies) = 14
* Pitchers used (White Sox) = 18

* Pitches thrown (Phillies) = 485
* Pitches thrown (both teams) = 1,021

* Double plays turned (Phillies) = 6
* Double plays turned (both teams) = 10

* Errors/Passed balls (Phillies) = 6
* Errors/Passed balls (both teams) = 8

* Runners left on base (Phillies) = 25
* Runners left on base (both teams) = 54

* Total time played (excluding rain delay) = 11 hours, 12 minutes
* Total time played (with rain delay) = 11 hours, 53 minutes

* Innings ended with a lead (Phillies) = 13
* Innings ended with a lead (White Sox) = 4

* Phillies who played all 34 innings:
-- Domonic Brown, 1-13 with 3 RBI
-- Darin Ruf, 3-12 with 1 RBI
-- Delmon Young, 3-15 with 1 RBI

All-star caliber squad

Current Phillies players and the All-Star teams they've made:

C Carlos Ruiz -- 2012
1B Ryan Howard -- 2006, 2009, 2010
2B Chase Utley -- 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010
SS Jimmy Rollins -- 2001, 2002, 2005
3B Michael Young -- 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011
LF Domonic Brown -- 2013

SP Roy Halladay -- 2002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011
SP Cliff Lee -- 2008, 2009, 2011, 2013
SP Cole Hamels -- 2007, 2011, 2012
RP Jonathan Papelbon -- 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2012

40 All-Star appearances on the current roster, along with two MVPs and three Cy Young awards. Remind me again why this team stinks?

Analyzing autographs

A quick spin through the autographed items available at the Philadelphia Phillies online store:

Item: Five-ball set with autographs of 2008 Phillies team
Price: $2,789.99
Worth it: Probably. You could probably get season tickets for the next two years for that price, but the 2014 and 2015 teams won't be as good as that 2008 World Champion squad.

Item: Roy Halladay, Cy Young winner, autographed baseball
Price: $557.99
Worth it: Nope. I mean, it's awesome, but the regular Roy Halladay autographed ball is only $379.99. The extra "CY 2010" costs almost $30 more a character.

Item: Ryan Howard autographed baseball
Price: $309.99
Worth it: Apparently. The 2008 World Series edition of this ball costs $20 more, and one with an official MLB hologram sticker costs another $147. And each strikeout drops the ball's price by another dime.

Item: Mike Schmidt autographed baseball
Price: $177.99
Worth it: Are you kidding me? I can have two of these for the price of one Ryan Howard signature? Has the world gone mad?

Item: Joe Blanton autographed baseball
Price: $149.99
Worth it: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No.

Item: John Mayberry Jr. autographed baseball
Price: $74.99
Worth it: Eh. Just wait a few more months, you'll probably be able to pay Mayberry $30 to mow your lawn instead.

Upcoming Phillies Schedule

Here's a quick look at the cheapest tickets available on eBay to Phillies games scheduled over the next two weeks:

Location	Opponent	Date	Price
Los Angeles	Dodgers	28-Jun	$6.00
Los Angeles	Dodgers	29-Jun	$6.95
Pittsburgh	Pirates	2-Jul	$7.50
Pittsburgh	Pirates	3-Jul	$7.99
Pittsburgh	Pirates	4-Jul	$8.99
Philadelphia	Braves	5-Jul	$20.00
Philadelphia	Braves	6-Jul	$26.20
Philadelphia	Braves	7-Jul	$17.40
Philadelphia	Nationals	8-Jul	$15.00
Philadelphia	Nationals	9-Jul	$14.00
Philadelphia	Nationals	10-Jul	$15.00
Philadelphia	Nationals	11-Jul	$20.00

Translation -- Philly fans still think this team is worth watching, but other baseball fans don't.

An appreciation of Jimmy Rollins

With trade winds starting to mention Jimmy Rollins' name, here's a quick overview of where the current Phillies shortstop sits in team history:

-- 2nd in games played (541 behind 1st place)
-- 2nd in doubles (4 behind 1st place)
-- 2nd in extra base hits (274 behind 1st place)
-- 3rd in stolen bases (1 behind 2nd place)
-- 3rd in runs (158 behind 2nd place)
-- 3rd in triples (21 behind 2nd place)
-- 4th in hits (120 behind 3rd place)
-- 9th in RBI (10 behind 8th place)
-- 10th in home runs (7 behind 9th place)

He's also second all-time in knee-jerk fan complaints, trailing only Ryan Howard.

Lincoln Financial Field renovations

Eagles officials announced $125 million in stadium renovations this week, designed to spruce up the team's home over the next two years. The headline projects include new video boards, a seating expansion and connecting bridges for the upper concourses. Here's what else to expect:

** New sideline signs indicating where the Eagles offense can find the end zone.
** A holding pen for Danny Watkins, to keep him from wandering onto the field.
** Cheese Whiz dispensers at every seat.
** Recycling bins for fans' unwanted Mike Vick jerseys.
** Decontamination/biohazard room for when the Cowboys visit.
** Wider doorways in media rooms, to accommodate Joe Buck's swollen head.
** A new mural dedicated to Koy Detmer's 1998 Eagles (3-13 record).
** In every restroom, a live audio feed of Donovan McNabb's current pissing and moaning.
** 40-foot tall bronze statue of Brian Dawkins sacking Troy Aikman.
** Hunter green everything.

Ongoing pain

This week marked the 30th anniversary of the 76ers 1983 championship, the most recent title for that storied franchise. It's a reminder that, despite the excitement of the 2008 Phillies World Series victory, Philadelphia fans have been in a ridiculously long title-less streak over the last three decades. Consider how the other major sports cities (those with all four sports) in America have fared since the end of the 1983 basketball season (117 professional sports seasons ago):

New York -- 10 titles
Boston -- 9 titles
Chicago -- 9 titles
Detroit -- 8 titles
San Francisco -- 7 titles
Dallas -- 5 titles
Miami -- 4 titles
Denver -- 3 titles
Minneapolis -- 2 titles
Washington -- 2 titles
Philadelphia -- 1 title
Phoenix -- 1 title 

Those cities in red? They didn't have all four sports teams for the whole 30 year span. In fact, Minneapolis, Washington and Phoenix have boasted all four for less than 15 years.

Let's get it in gear, folks. I can wait until my 60s for the next Philly champion.

Happy 36th birthday, G

As always, when G has a birthday, all the top Philly sports figures pay their respects.

Phillies logic puzzle

The Phillies hitting problem right now: 
Team avg -- .244 (21st in MLB)
Team runs -- 157 (27th in MLB)
Team RBI -- 147 (28th in MLB)

Related statistics:
Pinch hitter hits -- 20 (1st in MLB)
Pinch hitter avg -- .274 (5th in MLB)

The solution:
Bench Ryan Howard and Domonic Brown at the start of every game, then have them pinch hit at the bottom of the first inning. Since they'll be pinch hitters, their batting average will improve, and so will the team's performance.

Couldn't make the cut

Here's a look at a few key Phillies cast-offs from the last nine months, and how they're doing today:

Player: OF Nate Schierholtz
Status: Acquired by the Phils in the Hunter Pence trade, released in the off-season, signed by the Cubs
Stats: 107 AB, .299 AVG, 19 RBI, 4 HR
Analysis: That's a higher average than every Phillies starter except Michael Young, and more RBI than every player except Utley and Howard.


Player: 2B Yuniesky Betancourt
Status: Invited and dropped in Spring Training, signed by the Pirates
Stats: 125 AB, .248 AVG, 24 RBI, 8 HR
Analysis: That's a more HR than every Phillie on the roster, and more RBI than everyone but Utley (who also has 24).


Player: OF Hunter Pence
Status: Traded by the Phillies last August, under contract with the Giants through 2014
Stats: 153 AB, .281 AVG, 22 RBI, 7 HR, 7 SB
Analysis: It would have been expensive to keep him, but he'd be leading the team in HR and SB if he were here.


Player: P Joe Blanton
Status: Traded to the Dodgers last August
Stats: 8 starts, 0-7 record, 6.46 ERA
Analysis: OK, maybe they got that one right.

Playoff probability

The Flyers elimination from the playoffs last month made 2012-2013 the first sports year since 1992-1993 that none of the big four Philly teams made the postseason. Here’s a look at the upcoming teams’ outlook and when that streak might end.

2013 Phillies: Roy Halladay is hurt, the offense isn’t hitting, and the Braves look really good.
Chance: 5 percent

2013 Eagles: New coach, new attitude, same defensive players.
Chance: 4 percent

2013-14 Sixers: Andrew Bynum gets re-signed, then gets hurt again, then watches the losses pile up from the bench.
Chance: 5 percent

2013-14 Flyers: A slow start leads to a Bryzgalov trade, which leads to even more losses.
Chance: 7 percent

2014 Phillies: With Cliff Lee and Ryan Howard traded, Domonic Brown becomes the team’s leader. 105 losses follow.
Chance: 3 percent

2014 Eagles: QB Matt Barkley is named starter for the year. Gets benched by October.
Chance: 4 percent

2014-15 Sixers: Bynum gets traded for Dwight Howard, whose leadership skills shine through as expected.
Chance: 6 percent

2014-15 Flyers: No way the Flyers miss the playoffs three straight years. They aren’t the Columbus Blue Jackets.
Chance: 100 percent

Grading the Eagles draft grades

Here's a recap of how sports analysts broke down the Philadelphia Eagles' picks in this weekend's NFL, and how each of them performed.

** Mel Kiper, ESPN
His analysis: B-plus overall, A for value
Grade of his work: F
-- A multi-step grade is far too complicated. Can you fail in a chemistry test but get an A for effort? Sure, in a crappy charter school you can. But this is the big leagues, not New Jersey's suburbs.

** Eliot Harrison, NFL.com
His analysis: "overall winner"
Grade of his work: F
-- Again, this analysis misses the point of the grading system. Do we want a real perspective on which teams did well? Of course not. We want easy to digest grades. This isn't a pass/fail test. This is real fake grading.

** Evan Silva, Rotoworld
His analysis: C-minus
Grade of his work: F
-- His grading includes the phrase "All of Philly's rookies look like good values" and then he gives them the lowest grade in the NFC. Because that makes sense.

** Washington Post
Their analysis: B-plus
Grade of their work: F
-- Only one team got an A, and no team got worse than a C-. We want Ds and Fs. If everybody gets good grades, then clearly no one in the class has learned anything.

** Chris Burke, SI
His analysis: B
Grade of his work: B
-- Seems fair

** Rob Rang, CBS Sports
His analysis: A-minus
Grade of his work: F
-- Rang names only six of the Eagles eight draft picks in his 200-word analysis, omitting their fifth and final seventh round picks. Doesn't he know those marginal talents are the heart of draft grading? How can you decide if a team performed well without looking at the 239th player chosen?

Overall draft grading grade: D-minus

-- Too much repetition, too much effort making a simple, pointless letter into an actual grading exercise. I'd give the Eagles a B-plus for their draft. Wanna know why? None of your business, that's why. I'm the instructor, you can't question my authority. The end. Learn from my genius, folks. 

Eagles draft pick preview

With the draft just two days away, here's a look back at Eagles recent first round draft pick history:

2012: Defensive Lineman
2011: Offensive Lineman
2010: Defensive Lineman
2009: WR
2008: None
2007: None
2006: Defensive Lineman
2005: Defensive Lineman
2004: Offensive Lineman
2003: Defensive Lineman

Here's a look at their projected first-round pick this year:

CBS.com's Rob Rang: Defensive Lineman
CBS.com's Dane Brugler: Offensive Lineman
CBS.com's Pete Prisco: Defensive Lineman
NFL.com's Gil Brandt: Offensive Lineman
NFL.com's Josh Norris: Defensive Lineman
NFL.com's Matt Smith: Defensive Lineman
ESPN's Todd McShay: Offensive Lineman
Fox.com: Offensive Lineman

NFL draft fever -- catch it!

One man show

A quick look at the MLB RBI leaders so far, and just how much of their team's offense they account for:

I woulda though Utley was higher, since appears to be the only member of the Phillies who can hit.

Full data is here, if anyone should need it.

Bad pitching = good result

Number of game into the season it took the Phillies to give up 48 runs, by year:

2007 -- 9 games (later lost division playoffs)
2008 -- 9 games (later won World Series)
2009 -- 8 games (later lost World Series)
2010 -- 11 games (later lost NLCS)
2011 -- 14 games (later lost division playoffs)
2012 -- 17 games (missed playoffs)
2013 -- 7 games

Clearly, all this terrible pitching is great news -- the Phillies are on pace to win the World Series again.

The costs of baseball excellence

The Houston Astros (who won MLB's season opener last night) have an opening day payroll of $24.3 million, the lowest of any team and a little more than one-tenth what the Yankee's team costs right now ($229 million). A lot has been made that Alex Rodriguez alone ($29 million) will make more than the Astros' entire slate of players, but here's a look at what slice of the Phillies you could get for that little cash:

-- P Cliff Lee ($25M) for every start this year except one
-- P Roy Halladay ($20M) and P Kyle Kendrick ($4.5M)
-- SS Jimmy Rollins ($11M) and P Jonathan Papelbon ($13M)
-- Five C Carlos Ruizes ($5M)
-- Every outfielder on the roster (Laynce Nix at $1.35M, Delmon Young at $750K, John Mayberry at $517K, Ben Revere at $515K, Domonic Brown at $500K, Feddy Galvis at $490K) plus 1B Ryan Howard ($20M)
-- Fifty C Eric Kratzes ($496K)
-- One P Cole Hamels from 2013 ($19.5 M) and one P Cole Hamels from 2009 ($4.4M)
-- 1,435,294 baseballs from the Phillies official store ($17 each)