Fantasy League 2013 -- week 2 recap

On Thursday night, when the Eagles square off against the Kansas City Chiefs and former head coach Andy Reid, they’ll honor former all-Pro QB Donovan McNabb by retiring his jersey at halftime. Naturally, Philadelphia fans began booing the duo's return starting first thing Monday morning.

It’s hard to imagine any scenario that could unjustifiably enrage the Eagles’ faithful fans more than the return of the two polarizing figures, but just this week the team announced a few more ceremonial wrinkles that could up the ante:

** Master of ceremonies for the event will be Terrell Owens.
** Instead of shaking hands with ownership, McNabb will throw a short pass into their shins, for old times’ sake.
** Special introductory video by CBs Dieon Sanders and Ronde Barber.
** A tribute video will feature scenes of fans booing the 1999 draft, followed by fans booing the fans who booed the 1999 draft.
** Saluting from the sidelines will be McNabb’s favorite targets: WRs Torrance Small, James Thrash, Todd Pinkston, Freddie Mitchell, Greg Lewis, Charles Johnson, Reggie Brown, Hank Baskett and Na Brown.
** With one minute left in the halftime ceremony, the Eagles will inexplicably call a timeout.
** McNabb will graciously thank the crowd, thereby enraging them.


QB: Aaron Rodgers, 42.90 pts -- started by me
WR: Eddie Royal, 31.10 pts -- on the wire
RB: Marshawn Lynch, 33.27 pts -- started by me
TE: Jimmy Graham, 27.93 pts -- started by Dad
K: Nick Novak, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 29.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Alterraun Verner, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Always great to see two Eagles opponents on the top performers list. Ugh.

On a more positive note, this week marked a great turnaround Alterraun Verner, the Titans CB who recorded five tackles and an INT returned for a TD this week. Prior to joining the Titans, he was a background villain in the last Star Trek movie. (Alterraun Verner? That is Klingon, right?)


3rd place: Kendall Hunter, -0.70 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Perrish Cox, -0.96 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New York Giants, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

All these terrible scores are making me feel a little Perrish...

After two games, the New York Giants have allowed a spectacular 77 points, worst in the league. But division rival Maryland Racial Slurs are a mere six points behind them, and have actually surrendered 270 more yards to opponents than the G-men. The Slurs are the first team in the league to surrender 1,000 yards of offense this season, an impressive feat. So, the race to the bottom of the NFC East could be a fun one to watch.


** During the Michigan/Akron game (which featured the stupidest officiating I saw this week), the Wolverines followed a 50-yard run with an incomplete 30-yard pass. The Big Ten commentators noted that “Michigan likes to follow up a big play with another big play.” As opposed to teams like Penn State and Wisconsin, whose strategy is to follow up big plays with kneel-downs or turnovers, I guess.

** The local sports talk shows on Monday IDed the Maryland Racial Slurs key problem -- the team isn’t converting third downs. Not that they’ve surrendered 1,000 yards of offense and turned the ball over five times in two games. It’s the third-down conversion rate.

** Somewhere, right now, Matt Millen is still talking about football, and that’s just stupid.

Lost in the disaster of the Giants second embarrassing defeat of the season Sunday was a quiet but significant milestone: QB Eli Manning threw his 150th interception (and 151st just a few minutes later). That’s the most in the NFL over the last nine years, but he’ll have to step up his game significantly to reach Brett Favre’s NFL leading 337 INTs (or his brother’s 206, so far).

Still, he does have an outside shot at breaking the single season record of 42 INTs, set by George Blanda in 1962. With 7 pick-offs in just two games, Eli is on pace for a whopping 56 this year. And he has looked up to the task thus far.

He has also been sacked four times in those two games. Factor that in with a completion percentage around 60, and his penchant for getting frustrated after consecutive incompletions, and his 91 pass attempts so far … Eli is on pace for a whopping 232 dopey face grunts this year, potentially shattering his record 187 dopey face contortions from just one season ago.

That’s a real pro, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s all root for his success in this endeavour.

I don’t know Cowboys rookie Gavin Escobar, but I know he loved being drafted by the self aggrandizing Dallas franchise, because he’s an egomaniac like the rest of those wretched souls. How do I know this? His name, of course.

Dallas Cowboys TE Gavin Escobar
** Crabby clown loves a stage. Adios!

Oh, that’s so forced, you say. You’re forcing messages about his personality by manipulating letters, you say. My response:

Gavin Escobar
** A novice brags

OK, he's arrogant. But how do we know he belongs on Dallas? Is he really evil Cowboys material?
Yeah, you know where this is going:

Gavin Escobar
** A scrag bovine

It’s not coincidence. It’s destiny.

** Dad picked up two games in the weekly picks, thanks to Pittsburgh’s awful Monday night and the Bills’ confounding win on Sunday. He’s one game back in the standings so far.

** That Delaware/Navy game … let’s never speak of it again, OK?

** NBC has had two weather delays in the three NFL games it has broadcast thus far. Think God is pissed they had that stupid Ryan Seacrest intro thing to launch the season on a Thursday night? Me too.


Week 2 standings

1 --- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) --- 321.79
2 --- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) --- 320.61
3 --- the american way (Sam) --- 315.88
4 --- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) --- 300.60
5 --- Bad like Congress (Jim) --- 291.13
6 --- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --- 280.38
7 --- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --- 268.22
8 --- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) --- 267.21
9 --- The Maltese Falcons (Bob) --- 263.69
10 --- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) --- 242.36
11 --- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --- 224.33

Dad closed the gap with Paul for first place, while Sam is close behi … wait, Sam is up top again? I gotta fix this league next year.

Mike becomes the first coach to see his team score under 100 pts for the week (99.64, but it’s still under) which has to be a crushing disappointment for him. Then again, after you make the decision to start a WR named Kenbrell, all the world becomes a disappointment to you.