Fantasy League 2013 -- week 3 recap

This weekend was a beautiful slate of horrible football games: There were no upsets in college football’s top 25 and only six pro-football games decided by less than a TD. Here’s a quick recap of the most embarrassing beat-downs:

** Ohio State 76, Florida A/M 0
-- The Buckeyes led 34-0 at the end of the first quarter. A/M had 80 yards of offense, just four more than OSU had points.

** Louisville 72, Florida Intl 0
-- Florida Intl only had 30 yards of offense in this one. Louisville’s fourth-string RB had 33 yards himself.

** Miami 77, Savannah St 7
-- Miami had all their scoring in the first three quarters and never punted the ball. Savannah State had seven punts and eight first downs.

** Panthers 38, Giants 0
-- HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks. He’s still on pace for 43 INTs this year. The Giants could be 2-6 at the halfway point of the season, and the wins are only likely because they play the Eagles twice.

QB: Drew Brees, 37.78 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Antonio Brown, 34.65 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: DeMarco Murray, 28.37 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Jimmy Graham, 29.93 pts -- started by Dad
K: Justin Tucker, 14.00 pts -- started by Dad
DEF: Carolina, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Justin Houston, 19.50 pts -- on the wire

Another week, another Eagles opponent on the top performers list. Chiefs LB Justin Houston collected 4.5 sacks, seven total tackles, three pass defenses and one forced fumble in the Thursday night game. He’s never had more than 10 sacks in a season, and he already has 7.5 through three games this year.

“New York, New York” edition

3rd place: Louis Murphy, -0.47 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: New York Giants, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Curtis Painter, -1.36 pts -- on the wire

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks. The Giants defense is worth zero pts on the year, just slightly behind the 66 pts the Kansas City defense has accumulated so far (both are unowned in the league, though). The 38-0 loss by the G-men was the worst defeat of Tom Coughlin’s career, and Giants only totaled 150 yards of offense.

Worse still, they’re two games behind in the NFC East standings and two game behind in the New York standings, now that the Jets are 2-1. Raise your hand if you thought the lowly Jersey Jets would be the better of the Big Apple squads. Now put your hand down and admit that you’re a pathological liar.


** On the Sunday morning Fox pre-game show, injury-addled Terry Bradshaw predicted the Packers could have trouble with the Bengals because of their running backs, “BenJarvis Ben Ellis” and “the other guy.” Because names of players aren’t the kind of thing you can look up.

** Washington Post columnist Sally Jenkins on Sunday wrote that restrictions on college athletes getting payouts “contains about as much justice and reason as stoning women for losing their virginity.” Don’t worry -- in context, it made even less sense.

** The ESPN halftime crew was reviewing the Tennessee-Florida tilt and focused in on a first-half interception by Florida QB Jeff Driskel that was returned for a TD. They spoke for three minutes about the team’s trouble with turnovers before mentioning that Driskel broke his leg on the play, and is out for the season. Might have been a problem worth discussing.

After a 2-14 season last year, the Chiefs are 3-0 this year for only the second time in the last decade, thanks to their portly new coach and his innovative (no, too strong) not-sucky play calling. Is this the same man we saw drive the once-proud Eagles franchise into the ground less than a year ago? Here’s a look at what has changed:

** Improved offense: Yes, they’re only 12th in the league in scoring. But that’s way up from being 32nd in the league last season. Reid doesn’t need to make them into a great offense to be better, only a average one.

** Soft schedule: They’re beaten the Jaguars (worst team in all of football) and two NFC East teams (worst conference in all of football). Granted, Reid couldn’t beat bad teams last year, but he’s not exactly facing the 1985 Bears every week.

** It’s still the regular season: I mean, if the Chiefs had to play in the conference championship game every week, they’d probably be 0-3. But in the regular season, big fat Andy still remembers how to coach.

** Mike Vick: Mike Vick does not play for the Chiefs. Immediately, that adds about eight wins to whatever team you’re coaching.

Cowboys third-year wideout Dwayne Harris made the first start of his career on Sunday, and punctuated the occasion with the second TD grab of his career. And then he punctured some guys lungs, probably, because all of the Dallas players are awful humans.

How do I know? You know the answer.

Dwayne Harris
-- Way harder sin
-- Disarray hewn
-- A randy wisher
-- His drear yawn
-- War’s hairy end

I’d say it’s surprising how often the words “sin” and “disarray” and “war” come up in these anagrams, but it’s not.

** Dad swept our picks this week, so I suddenly went from one up to two down. Ugh. No one was more upset about the Bengals upset of the Packers than me. OK, maybe the Packers. And their fans. And Aaron Rodgers’ Mom. But besides that, no one.

** The Eagles are still in second place. And next week, even if the Eagles lost to Denver (a certainty), they’ll still be in second place, because the Giants and Maryland Racial Slurs are 0-3 and without a division victory. Gawd, the NFC East is terrible this year.

Week 3 standings

1 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 468.75 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 451.07 pts
3 -- the american way (Sam) -- 440.64 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 436.58 pts
5 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 427.78 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 411.27 pts
7 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 399.49 pts
8 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bob) -- 367.90 pts
9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 366.21 pts
10 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 325.29 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 315.13 pts

Huge week for Jeff propels him up near the top of the standings, but Paul still appears comfortable in his perch up there. On the other end, Anthony is out of the basement finally and primed to make a run at the top ... of the bottom half of the standings.

But, it could be worse. You could be the New York Giants. HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks.