Fantasy League 2013 -- preseason predictions

The teams are set, the season is ready to begin, and your fates have already been decided. Here’s how the 2013 fantasy season is going to play out.

11 -- Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected Points: 1864.55
Analysis: Ant wins the best new team name of the year, hands down, but gets ranked dead last because he picked up Tony Romo. Sure, he has two great RBs and four, count ‘em, four WRs to back Drew Brees, but don’t let logic get in the way of rooting for his Romo-laden squad to fail.

10 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo)
Projected Points: 1999.29
Analysis: Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, but sadly even a history major couldn’t prevent Joanner from ending up with Mike Vick on her squad again. On the plus side, she did win the LeSean McCoy/David Akers sweepstakes. And the last time she drafted Tom Brady, he broke his leg in the first game of the season. So...

9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim)
Projected Points: 2001.03
Analysis: Jim’s starting TE this year is Rob Housler. I have no idea who that is. He does have Eli Manning and Victor Cruz, and I know who they are. And I’ll be rooting for their failure every week too.

8 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2079.56
Analysis: Jeff’s team looks good on paper, but sadly for him, we’ve been doing this league on computers since day one. A Detroit QB? A Denver running back? A first round WR? The answer to that Jeopardy entry is “what are three things that never work out in fantasy football.”

7 -- Kickers Rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 2106.41
Analysis: It doesn’t really matter who Sam drafts, because he only knows who the Patriots players are (and even then, he really just knows Tom Brady and former New Englander Wes Welker). Still, relying on Cam Newtown and Jamaal Charles -- the newest RB to be ruined by coach Andy Reid -- is a recipe for disaster.

6 -- I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2146.77
Analysis: Paul’s top two running backs are all-time legend Adrian Peterson and Giovani Bernard, someone who none of you knew was even in the league. He snagged QB Andrew Luck for the second year in a row, but his WR corps is only five deep. That’s not very loving, if you ask me.

5 -- Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2147.77
Analysis: Joel finished a strong fifth last year and will follow up that success with … stagnation. Larry Fitzgerald? Stevan Ridley? Golden Tate? Darren Sproles? Meh. Even his team name feels a year old. Hey, what ever happened to that Tebow guy? I hardly ever hear him mentioned on ESPN nowadays.

4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2200.08
Analysis: Don’t worry -- I don’t really think Dad will finish this high. I just ran out of room at the bottom to rank his team. Dad ended up with no Eagles (which is good), no NFC East rivals (which is good) and Peyton Manning/Arian Foster/Jimmy Graham (which is great). As long as he doesn’t look any deeper at his team (Jonathan Stewart is still in the league?) he should be fine.

3 -- III-time Champion
Projected Points: 2321.21
Analysis: Ugh. I’ve grabbed Marshawn Lynch and Aaron Rodgers, and I still don’t like this team. It’s mostly WR T.Y. Hilton. You don’t win championships with guys who have initials for names. Just ask T.O., or T.J. Houshmandzadeh, or J.R. Montana.

2 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2486.41
Analysis: You can’t coach good coaching, and that’s what Mike brings to the table again this year. That, and three solid WRs, three solid RBs and QB Russell Wilson. Seriously, his worst starter got 128 pts last year, because he was hurt for six games. This could be a bloodbath.

1 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected Points: 2501.33
Analysis: Maybe it’s the magic of Robert Griffin III (you can never have too many IIIs on your team), maybe it’s his deep RB pool, maybe it’s just my attempt to jinx Bob yet again, but this feels like a winning squad. Of course, Bob’s attempt to class up the joint with his team name is an ill-fated endeavor. If he really wants to win, he should switch over to Vick in a Box immediately. The football gods are pretty crude.

Good luck to everyone on the season (except Anthony, he’s already sunk) and remember that the first game comes on Thursday. If you can’t get your lineup set by then, that’s a coaching problem, not a league failing.