Fantasy League 2013 -- Week 1 recap

EXCLUSIVE: Eagles coach Chip Kelly sat down with us today to discuss his successful coaching debut and expectations for the rest of the season. Here’s the full transcript:

Q: Coach, congrats on your big win Monday night. You must be thrilled. CK:YouBetchaThatWasAGreatWinForOurGuysICoudn’tBeProuder
LookingForwardToGettingBackOutThereNextWeek.

Q: Um, OK. A lot has been made about how fast your new offense is, and that was really on display this week. But is it really sustainable for the whole year? CK:ShootOurOffenseAintNoQuickerThanAnyOtherGoodTeamOut
ThereWeJustExecutedWellAndStuckWithOurPlanAndIHopeWe
CanDoThatAllYearLong.

Q: What about QB Mike Vick? He’s had injury problems. Can he sustain this kind of tempo week after week? 
CK: Nah. He’ll probably be dead after three games. No biggie.

Q: And what about your defensive lapses in the second half. One of the big problems… CK:SorryYour20SecondsAreUpIGottaGoThanks!

For the record, during the interview Kelly also finished reading “War and Peace” and completed his tax returns for next year.

QB: Peyton Manning, 60.28 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Anquan Boldin, 32.87 pts -- on Sam’s bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 33.00 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Jared Cook, 26.40 pts -- started by Joel
K: Greg Zuerlein, 14.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: Kansas City, 31.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Barry Church, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Manning’s seven-TD performance on Thursday night was the greatest single-fantasy player day in league history (besting the 57.53-pt performance by Mike Vick back in 2010). He’s the sixth QB to throw that many scores in a game, but he’s the first ever to do it on a special Thursday night edition of Sunday night football, because words have no meaning anymore.

Incidentally, Peyton’s younger, dopier brother Eli was the second highest-scoring QB this week, with 36.80 points (despite four INTs and a terrible loss). Together, the Super Manning Bros outscored Tom Brady, Russell Wilson, Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger, Cam Newton and Josh Freeman combined. And they also beat Kevin Kolb by almost 100 points.

3rd place: Marquise Goodwin, -1.00 -- on the wire
2nd place: Trumaine McBride , -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: David Wilson, -2.10 pts -- started by Jo

It’s hard to have a worse debut than Wilson, who managed two fumbles and a measly 19 yards in the opener. On the plus side, he plays in New York, and those fans and sportswriters are known for patience when it comes to their pro athletes. FYI, WR Terrell Owens, who refuses to retire despite no interest from NFL teams, scored zero points this week.

We’re gonna try a different format here this year -- shorter, less analysis of the stupidity -- because, honestly, thinking about these things in depth is causing my brain to atrophy. And we’re already over our brain surgery limit for the year here at Fort Awesome. So, here’s what killed off frontal lobe cells this week:

 ** The local radio folks, every day at 2:59 pm, announce that “we’re about to hit R-G-Three’o’clock.” Because Griffin is so good, he has reinvented how we identify time.

** Matt Millen is still working as a color commentator for college football. Every word that comes out of his mouth that isn’t “I put the only 0-16 team in NFL history together!” is an affront to human decency.

 ** The local paper keeps referring to the Washington Natinals “dwindling” and “vanishing” playoff chances. They’re seven games out with 17 left to play. They’re done. Stop it.

 ** Sports Illustrated has a feature story this week titled “How to beat Bama” with eight steps to upsetting the college juggernaut. 1, 2, and 3 were all “challenge their secondary.” Steps 4, 5, and 6 were “stop their RBs, WRs, and offensive line.” Step 8 was “make it to the fourth quarter.” Step 9, presumably, was “win the game.” It’s simple when you think about it.

 ** All offseason, the NFL execs said they would be more focused on player safety this season. So what do we get the first week? Four safeties, the most ever recorded in a single NFL weekend. Coincidence?

 ** Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez, currently in jail for murder, was ranked 2003 out of 2756 players in Yahoo’s fantasy pre-draft rankings. That means they think that, from prison, there are still 753 players who will score fewer points than him. One of those was free agent QB Tim Tebow, ranked 2755. Why won’t the NFL let him play?

 ** The New York Jets won a game this week. That has to be rigged, right?

The Cowboys selected Wisconsin standout Travis Frederick in the first round this spring, not because they needed a new center, but because all those vowels make him perfect for the weekly anagram insults. Consider:

Travis Frederick
** Decaf river skirt
** Fever-rid sick rat
** Iced fart iks Rev
** Faster driver? Ick
** Verdict: fare risk
** Riveted car frisk
** Starve Rick? Fired.

I don’t know who Rick is, but it’s just unconscionable for the new guy to starve him and he should have been fired for it. He’ll fit right in with these godless bums.

** It’s only one week into the season and I’m three games up on Dad in our weekly picks. The only game I missed this week was the Chiefs over the Jaguars, because I assumed Andy Reid’s QB would throw up all over their field when they arrive in south Florida. I guess it was just the one guy who had that problem.

 ** For the record, in my other league (which involves money) I had to play the guy who started Peyton Manning. And I crushed him anyways. That’s good coaching right there.

 ** Delaware beat Delaware State on Saturday. Next up is Navy, so this is the one weekend a year you can root for the US military to lose.

Week 1 standings

1 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 183.31
2 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 167.57
3 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 155.60
4 -- the american way (Sam) -- 150.59
5 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 148.39
6 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 145.79
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 138.65
8 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 138.18
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 121.14
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 115.10
11 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 105.32

Big props to Paul, not just for his monster opening week but also for his team name change (‘I mildly like WRs’ is great internal comedy).

And even though Ant is all the way at the other end of the scale, even he topped 100 pts this week, which is the first time in league history we have everyone in triple figures in a single week (probably. I’m not going back to check that for accuracy.) So that’s a big round of applause for everyone.

But mostly just for Paul, because he’s in the lead.