Fantasy League 2013 -- week 5 recap

** Broncos QB Peyton Manning (20 TDs so far) is on pace for 64 passing TDs -- the single season record is 49. Giants QB Eli Manning (8 TDs so far) is on pace to toss 26 TDs.

** However, Eli (12 INTs so far) is on pace for 38 INTs this season -- the single season record is 42. Peyton (1 INT so far) is on pace to throw 3.

** Peyton’s Broncos (5-0) are on pace to outscore opponents by 291 pts this season -- the single season record is 315 pts. Eli’s Giants (0-5) are on pace to be outscored by 320 pts.

** Peyton’s Broncos scored 51 points on Sunday. Eli’s Giants have scored 51 points over their last four games.

** A google search for "Peyton Manning winner" returns over 128 million results. A google search for "Eli Manning dopey" returns 92,000.

QB: Tony Romo, 50.94 pts -- on Ant’s bench
WR:Alshon Jeffery, 31.03 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
RB: Pierre Thomas, 28.27 pts -- on Paul’s bench
TE: Julius Thomas, 29.13 pts -- started by Sam
K: Alex Henery, 20.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 31.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Calias Campbell, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Rough week out there, kids -- Three top performers left on the bench contributed to some sad scores around the league. Ant lost 33 pts to bench decisions (which would have been enough to bounce him into 7th place), Paul lost 25 pts (which would have kept him in first), and Jeff managed to leave 31 pts on his bench while starting two players on a bye and an injured Calvin Johnson. And he’s still beating most of you.


3rd place: Damian Williams, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Dallas, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place:NY Giants, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Not to pile on the Giants … aw, who am I kidding, let’s all pile on the Giants! … but the team’s defense through five games this year is worth exactly one fantasy point. That’s all. Kansas City’s D is worth 105 times that (105 pts, for the math challenged out there). They’ve surrendered a league-high 182 points and have the worst time of possession in the league.

On the positive side, ahahahahahaha Eli! This is gonna be a great season.


Former Ravens coach Brian Billick was the color commentator for the Eagles/Giants game on Sunday, and he dropped these gems in the pre-game show:

** “I don’t know that the Eagles have trouble scoring touchdowns. They are the #1 rushing team in the league, after all.” Because, as we all know, every 50 rushing yards counts as a TD.

** “This is a homogeneous league, which means everyone is going to end up within a game or two of .500.” Well, the league is made up entirely of football players...

** “Mike Vick has proven he can win in this league.” At 60-50 for his career, he’s 19th among NFL active starting QBs. So, he has proven he’s as good as any other mediocre passer.

Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that he hopes to have “expanded playoffs” in place by the start of the 2015 season, in an effort to water down … errr … expand the NFL’s brand as much as possible. Here are a few other ideas the league is considering:

** Instead of mandatory concussion tests, they’ll have mandatory concussions for every player.

** A new NFL Network station focusing solely on the Jacksonville Jaguars and their refusal to pick up QB Tim Tebow.

** Instead of 16 regular season games and four rounds of playoffs, they’ll have four regular season games and 16 rounds of playoffs.

** The league will start playing two Super Bowls: One featuring the top AFC and NFC squads, and the other pitting the Cowboys and Steelers against each other every year. Only the latter game will count.

** Instead of kickoffs, they’ll have more ads.


I’m just gonna leave this anagram right here for all the Denver fans out there:

Dallas tallies forty eight points
** Rip-tilt agony: Fatheads still lose

Ahahahahahahaha.
There are weeks to love football, and there are weeks to love football.

** Ugh -- Dad swept the picks again this week, so I’m somehow down seven in the annual standings after just five weeks. Stupid Browns.

** Chip Kelly is now the longest tenured coach in Philly sports. In other news, no Philly team is ever going to make the playoffs again.

** The Eagles get to play back-to-back 0-4 teams, with the winless Tampa Bay Bucs coming off a bye next weekend. How often has that happened in NFL history? Not often, probably. I can’t look all these things up for you people.

Week 5 standings

1 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 785.12
2 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 778.30
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 736.89
4 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome)-- 734.53
5 -- the american way (Sam) -- 714.02
6 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 682.63
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 624.95
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 608.17
9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 604.83
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 600.51
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 550.71

Well, Dad is just gonna be unbearable now…

After five straight weeks of Peyton Manning magic, Dad finally takes over the top spot from Paul. The two of them have opened up a healthy lead on the rest of the field, but at some point the Broncos will score less than 40 in a game, right?

And don’t look now, but Ant has climbed all the way from dead last to eighth place, just a hair behind Joanner. If the league goes the way of the NFC East, he could still win this thing.