Fantasy League 2013 -- week 6 recap

Ways that Nick Foles is a better QB option than Mike Vick:

Age: Foles is 24, Vick is 33

Durability: Foles has broken his hand once. Vick has broken his everything twice.

Cost: Foles makes about $635,000 this year. Vick makes about $7 million.

Ball handling: Foles has zero turnovers against seven TDs this season. Vick has three against 7 TDs.

Quarterbacking: Foles can complete passes. Vick cannot.

Morale: Foles doesn’t make me want to punch my TV. Vick does.

Vick-ness: Foles is not Mike Vick. Vick is.

QB: Cam Newton, 36.68 pts -- started by Sam
WR: Vincent Jackson, 28.60 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Knowshon Moreno, 33.33 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Vernon Davis, 32.00 pts -- started by Jo
K: Mason Crosby, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: St. Louis, 31.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Alec Ogletree, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

In the history of this league, we’ve never had any team score more than 200 pts in a single week. We’ve had a few top 190, but no one has managed to crack the elusive second century mark. And then this week happened.

Sam -- yes, Sam, who does not know a single football player outside the Patriots except for Peyton Manning -- started the Top QB, the top WR, the #2 RB (Jamaal Charles, 28.13 pts), the #2 defense (KC, 28.00 pts), the #5 WR (DeSean Jackson, 22.27 pts) and five other players who scored double-digits to post an unreal 224.41 pts this week. His team had 13 combined TDs and 805 yards of total offense. He didn’t just top 200, he destroyed it.

In summary, we’re all doomed.


3rd place: Alfonso Smith, -1.30 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Chris Maragos, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Minnesota, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

By the way, the New York Giants defense was worth 1 point this week, doubling their value on the year in a single week. Gawd, the Giants are awful.


Geico has started running a new commercial (surprising, right? Those guys make so few commercials) in the DC markets that shows tourists around the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument and the White House reacting in shock as stray baseballs fall from the sky. Finally, a secret service agent looks up and says “Looks like Bryce Harper is taking batting practice again.”

The joke, of course, is that the young Natinals player is so awesome, he can hit the ball two miles from the DC stadium to the historic sites.

Problem is, all of those sites are foul balls -- home plate at the park here faces to the east of the Capitol building. All of those hits would be driven backwards from the plate. So, not just foul. Waaaaay foul. Like, over-his-left-shoulder foul. Geico is saying that Harper can’t get a ball in play even during batting practice.

And that’s awesome.

There have been six league championship series games as of tonight, all of them featuring exquisite pitching. And while I love a pitching gem as much as the next guy, there’s a difference between defensive excellence and total boredom.

Four of the six games have been shutouts. Three of the six were 1-0 wins.

All I’m saying is that if the NFL playoffs featured three games that were 3-0 victories, the commissioner would pass rules the next day barring linebackers from touching running backs and allowing wideouts to catch the ball on one bounce.


Believe it or not, the 3-3 Cowboys will square off against the 3-3 Eagles for the first real first-place test for either team. What does this tell us about the league? About the state of football? About ourselves?

Let’s go to the letters:

Cowboys fight for early lead in standings
** Hotly firing dogs -- NFC east is really bad now

Funny, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make the words “Dallas wins” work in there. but it does also spell …

Cowboys fight for early lead in standings
** Yon, fab gold cord: Eagles win, stay in first

Just saying.

** Ugh -- Dad swept the picks again this week, so I’m somehow down nine in the annual standings after just six weeks. You know what? I barely had to update that sentence from last week. All I did was change the numbers. So terrible.

** Have I mentioned lately how terrible Thursday night games are?

** I'm getting worried that the Giant's complete incompetence (0-6) is distracting my attention from the Maryland Racial Slurs complete incompetence (1-4). I really hope they play soon.

Week 6 standings

1 -- the american way (sam) -- 938.43
2 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 896.60
3 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 874.50
4 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 860.95
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 813.83
6 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) --797.95
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 740.78
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 718.41
9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 716.76
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 697.84
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 651.27

Again, for the record: Sam doubled up seven different teams with his 224-pts outing this week, which was more than enough to vault him into first. Paul and Jeff had terrible, sub-100-pts weeks, and the rest of us fared only slightly better. Let’s try a little harder in week 7, OK?