Fantasy League 2013 -- week 7 recap

Great news for Mike Vick this week -- not only did he get his starting job back thanks to the Nick Foles/Matt Barkley disaster on Sunday, but he was also awarded by Forbes magazine the title of “NFL’s most disliked player” for the third year in a row. Here’s a look at some of the people NFL fans find more tolerable than the Eagles’ million-dollar man.

-- Ndamukong Suh: The Lions DE has been fined multiple times for stomping downed opponents.
-- Ben Roethlisberger: The Steelers QB has dealt with multiple sex assault allegations in his past.
-- Pacman Jones: The Bengals DB latest arrest was for punching a woman at a nightclub.
-- Aaron Hernandez: The Patriots TE is currently in jail for murder, so it’s unclear if he was eligible for the list.
-- Reggie Bush: The Lions RB had to return his Heisman trophy and dated Kim Kardashian. Hard to decide which was worse.

In Vick’s defense, he hasn’t been imprisoned for anything recently, so the ranking really is unfair.

QB: Andrew Luck, 36.02 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Calvin Johnson, 31.33 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Matt Forte, 30.30 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Jordan Reed, 23.93 pts -- on the waiver wire
K: Adam Vinatieri, 16.00 pts -- on the waiver wire
DEF: Carolina, 22.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: Antonio Allen, 12.00 pts -- on the waiver wire

Next time Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning square off, let’s have them actually square off: Three rounds, no holds barred. It won’t result in any less ESPN drooling, but it won’t last as long.
Also, raise your hand if you thought Adam Vinatieri had retired. C’mon, put it up. You know you did.


3rd place: Matt Barkley, -0.84 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jay Cutler, -0.88 pts -- started by ChampMike
1st place: Kellen Clemens, -1.24 pts -- on the waiver wire

A very special warm welcome to the Eagles rookie QB, who takes his place among the Philadelphia greats by scoring negative points in his first NFL experience. Three interceptions in 20 pass attempts? It’s like you’re already prepared to step into Mike Vick’s shoes.


** 43-year-old Jeff Garcia reached out to the Cleveland Browns this week about making a comeback. And God bless him for still trying. Because if there’s one thing better than a mediocre 30-year-old QB (Brandon Weeden), it’s one that is 13 years older.

** In a similar vein, when St. Louis QB Sam Bradford tore his ACL this week, the team announced they would be looking to sign a new QB for the rest of the season … but not Tim Tebow. Because you have to announce that before every QB search now.

** I just checked, and Matt Millen is still offering football commentary on TV and has not been jailed. And that’s stupid.

Now that the Giants have won a game, only three teams are left in the NFL with an unblemished record (undefeated or winless). Let’s look at each one’s odds of finishing the season that way:

Kansas City Chiefs (7-0)
Odds of a perfect season: 0%
-- Good lord, no. Andy Reid is the coach and they have to play the Broncos twice. They can still find a way to miss the playoffs.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6)
Odds of a perfect season: 10%
-- Three of their losses were by less than a field goal, and only one was by more than 12 points. On the flip side, they may have just lost their best player (RB Doug Martin) for the rest of the season, so there’s still a chance.

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-7)
Odds of a perfect season: 75%
-- Every loss has been by more than double digits. Three times they failed to score a TD. Their best chance for a win comes against the Browns, and that game isn’t until December. This team could be the real deal.

It’s bad enough when the Cowboys spread their hate and vile appetites around the locker room. But Defensive Lineman George Selvie has taken it a step further, subliminally encouraging the misguided Dallas fan base to poison the world with their foul ideas. Just look at his name:

Cowboys DE George Selvie
** Go be evil, weedy scrooges

“Weedy scrooges,” of course, was also the name of Jerry Jones’ garage band in high school.

** Ha! I won one against Dad this week by correctly picking the Giants to win their first game. So now I’m only eight behind in the standings. Like the Phillies, I still have a chance. (Checks the paper). Um, I may need to revise that statement...

** Sixers insiders this week said they’ll likely hold out first-round draft pick Nerlens Noel for the entire season, as he recovers from knee surgery. That’ll make it two years in a row the Sixers traded for a much-hyped big man and get zero games out of him. In other news, no Philadelphia team is ever making the playoffs again.

** This year’s World Series features the Red Sox against the Cardinals, also known as baseball’s second-most insufferable fan base against their third-most insufferable fan base. C’mon, Detroit. Everyone was rooting for you for a change.

Week 7 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1095.87 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1029.10 pts
3 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1024.04 pts
4 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1003.91 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 933.79 pts
6 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 902.65 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 853.43 pts
8 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 848.16 pts
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 812.83 pts
10 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 801.32 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 740.32 pts

Don’t look now, but the reigning Awesome Cup champion is slowly moving up the standings. Sam still has a comfortable lead, but he also still doesn’t know who any of the players on his team are. And that’s fine, really, because I can’t name a single Eagles defensive back. Wait, they don’t have anyone back there? That finally explains all those long third-down conversions...