Fantasy League 2013 -- week 3 recap

This weekend was a beautiful slate of horrible football games: There were no upsets in college football’s top 25 and only six pro-football games decided by less than a TD. Here’s a quick recap of the most embarrassing beat-downs:

** Ohio State 76, Florida A/M 0
-- The Buckeyes led 34-0 at the end of the first quarter. A/M had 80 yards of offense, just four more than OSU had points.

** Louisville 72, Florida Intl 0
-- Florida Intl only had 30 yards of offense in this one. Louisville’s fourth-string RB had 33 yards himself.

** Miami 77, Savannah St 7
-- Miami had all their scoring in the first three quarters and never punted the ball. Savannah State had seven punts and eight first downs.

** Panthers 38, Giants 0
-- HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks. He’s still on pace for 43 INTs this year. The Giants could be 2-6 at the halfway point of the season, and the wins are only likely because they play the Eagles twice.

QB: Drew Brees, 37.78 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Antonio Brown, 34.65 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: DeMarco Murray, 28.37 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Jimmy Graham, 29.93 pts -- started by Dad
K: Justin Tucker, 14.00 pts -- started by Dad
DEF: Carolina, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Justin Houston, 19.50 pts -- on the wire

Another week, another Eagles opponent on the top performers list. Chiefs LB Justin Houston collected 4.5 sacks, seven total tackles, three pass defenses and one forced fumble in the Thursday night game. He’s never had more than 10 sacks in a season, and he already has 7.5 through three games this year.

“New York, New York” edition

3rd place: Louis Murphy, -0.47 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: New York Giants, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Curtis Painter, -1.36 pts -- on the wire

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks. The Giants defense is worth zero pts on the year, just slightly behind the 66 pts the Kansas City defense has accumulated so far (both are unowned in the league, though). The 38-0 loss by the G-men was the worst defeat of Tom Coughlin’s career, and Giants only totaled 150 yards of offense.

Worse still, they’re two games behind in the NFC East standings and two game behind in the New York standings, now that the Jets are 2-1. Raise your hand if you thought the lowly Jersey Jets would be the better of the Big Apple squads. Now put your hand down and admit that you’re a pathological liar.


** On the Sunday morning Fox pre-game show, injury-addled Terry Bradshaw predicted the Packers could have trouble with the Bengals because of their running backs, “BenJarvis Ben Ellis” and “the other guy.” Because names of players aren’t the kind of thing you can look up.

** Washington Post columnist Sally Jenkins on Sunday wrote that restrictions on college athletes getting payouts “contains about as much justice and reason as stoning women for losing their virginity.” Don’t worry -- in context, it made even less sense.

** The ESPN halftime crew was reviewing the Tennessee-Florida tilt and focused in on a first-half interception by Florida QB Jeff Driskel that was returned for a TD. They spoke for three minutes about the team’s trouble with turnovers before mentioning that Driskel broke his leg on the play, and is out for the season. Might have been a problem worth discussing.

After a 2-14 season last year, the Chiefs are 3-0 this year for only the second time in the last decade, thanks to their portly new coach and his innovative (no, too strong) not-sucky play calling. Is this the same man we saw drive the once-proud Eagles franchise into the ground less than a year ago? Here’s a look at what has changed:

** Improved offense: Yes, they’re only 12th in the league in scoring. But that’s way up from being 32nd in the league last season. Reid doesn’t need to make them into a great offense to be better, only a average one.

** Soft schedule: They’re beaten the Jaguars (worst team in all of football) and two NFC East teams (worst conference in all of football). Granted, Reid couldn’t beat bad teams last year, but he’s not exactly facing the 1985 Bears every week.

** It’s still the regular season: I mean, if the Chiefs had to play in the conference championship game every week, they’d probably be 0-3. But in the regular season, big fat Andy still remembers how to coach.

** Mike Vick: Mike Vick does not play for the Chiefs. Immediately, that adds about eight wins to whatever team you’re coaching.

Cowboys third-year wideout Dwayne Harris made the first start of his career on Sunday, and punctuated the occasion with the second TD grab of his career. And then he punctured some guys lungs, probably, because all of the Dallas players are awful humans.

How do I know? You know the answer.

Dwayne Harris
-- Way harder sin
-- Disarray hewn
-- A randy wisher
-- His drear yawn
-- War’s hairy end

I’d say it’s surprising how often the words “sin” and “disarray” and “war” come up in these anagrams, but it’s not.

** Dad swept our picks this week, so I suddenly went from one up to two down. Ugh. No one was more upset about the Bengals upset of the Packers than me. OK, maybe the Packers. And their fans. And Aaron Rodgers’ Mom. But besides that, no one.

** The Eagles are still in second place. And next week, even if the Eagles lost to Denver (a certainty), they’ll still be in second place, because the Giants and Maryland Racial Slurs are 0-3 and without a division victory. Gawd, the NFC East is terrible this year.

Week 3 standings

1 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 468.75 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 451.07 pts
3 -- the american way (Sam) -- 440.64 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 436.58 pts
5 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 427.78 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 411.27 pts
7 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 399.49 pts
8 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bob) -- 367.90 pts
9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 366.21 pts
10 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 325.29 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 315.13 pts

Huge week for Jeff propels him up near the top of the standings, but Paul still appears comfortable in his perch up there. On the other end, Anthony is out of the basement finally and primed to make a run at the top ... of the bottom half of the standings.

But, it could be worse. You could be the New York Giants. HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Eli stinks.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 2 recap

On Thursday night, when the Eagles square off against the Kansas City Chiefs and former head coach Andy Reid, they’ll honor former all-Pro QB Donovan McNabb by retiring his jersey at halftime. Naturally, Philadelphia fans began booing the duo's return starting first thing Monday morning.

It’s hard to imagine any scenario that could unjustifiably enrage the Eagles’ faithful fans more than the return of the two polarizing figures, but just this week the team announced a few more ceremonial wrinkles that could up the ante:

** Master of ceremonies for the event will be Terrell Owens.
** Instead of shaking hands with ownership, McNabb will throw a short pass into their shins, for old times’ sake.
** Special introductory video by CBs Dieon Sanders and Ronde Barber.
** A tribute video will feature scenes of fans booing the 1999 draft, followed by fans booing the fans who booed the 1999 draft.
** Saluting from the sidelines will be McNabb’s favorite targets: WRs Torrance Small, James Thrash, Todd Pinkston, Freddie Mitchell, Greg Lewis, Charles Johnson, Reggie Brown, Hank Baskett and Na Brown.
** With one minute left in the halftime ceremony, the Eagles will inexplicably call a timeout.
** McNabb will graciously thank the crowd, thereby enraging them.


QB: Aaron Rodgers, 42.90 pts -- started by me
WR: Eddie Royal, 31.10 pts -- on the wire
RB: Marshawn Lynch, 33.27 pts -- started by me
TE: Jimmy Graham, 27.93 pts -- started by Dad
K: Nick Novak, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 29.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Alterraun Verner, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Always great to see two Eagles opponents on the top performers list. Ugh.

On a more positive note, this week marked a great turnaround Alterraun Verner, the Titans CB who recorded five tackles and an INT returned for a TD this week. Prior to joining the Titans, he was a background villain in the last Star Trek movie. (Alterraun Verner? That is Klingon, right?)


3rd place: Kendall Hunter, -0.70 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Perrish Cox, -0.96 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New York Giants, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

All these terrible scores are making me feel a little Perrish...

After two games, the New York Giants have allowed a spectacular 77 points, worst in the league. But division rival Maryland Racial Slurs are a mere six points behind them, and have actually surrendered 270 more yards to opponents than the G-men. The Slurs are the first team in the league to surrender 1,000 yards of offense this season, an impressive feat. So, the race to the bottom of the NFC East could be a fun one to watch.


** During the Michigan/Akron game (which featured the stupidest officiating I saw this week), the Wolverines followed a 50-yard run with an incomplete 30-yard pass. The Big Ten commentators noted that “Michigan likes to follow up a big play with another big play.” As opposed to teams like Penn State and Wisconsin, whose strategy is to follow up big plays with kneel-downs or turnovers, I guess.

** The local sports talk shows on Monday IDed the Maryland Racial Slurs key problem -- the team isn’t converting third downs. Not that they’ve surrendered 1,000 yards of offense and turned the ball over five times in two games. It’s the third-down conversion rate.

** Somewhere, right now, Matt Millen is still talking about football, and that’s just stupid.

Lost in the disaster of the Giants second embarrassing defeat of the season Sunday was a quiet but significant milestone: QB Eli Manning threw his 150th interception (and 151st just a few minutes later). That’s the most in the NFL over the last nine years, but he’ll have to step up his game significantly to reach Brett Favre’s NFL leading 337 INTs (or his brother’s 206, so far).

Still, he does have an outside shot at breaking the single season record of 42 INTs, set by George Blanda in 1962. With 7 pick-offs in just two games, Eli is on pace for a whopping 56 this year. And he has looked up to the task thus far.

He has also been sacked four times in those two games. Factor that in with a completion percentage around 60, and his penchant for getting frustrated after consecutive incompletions, and his 91 pass attempts so far … Eli is on pace for a whopping 232 dopey face grunts this year, potentially shattering his record 187 dopey face contortions from just one season ago.

That’s a real pro, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s all root for his success in this endeavour.

I don’t know Cowboys rookie Gavin Escobar, but I know he loved being drafted by the self aggrandizing Dallas franchise, because he’s an egomaniac like the rest of those wretched souls. How do I know this? His name, of course.

Dallas Cowboys TE Gavin Escobar
** Crabby clown loves a stage. Adios!

Oh, that’s so forced, you say. You’re forcing messages about his personality by manipulating letters, you say. My response:

Gavin Escobar
** A novice brags

OK, he's arrogant. But how do we know he belongs on Dallas? Is he really evil Cowboys material?
Yeah, you know where this is going:

Gavin Escobar
** A scrag bovine

It’s not coincidence. It’s destiny.

** Dad picked up two games in the weekly picks, thanks to Pittsburgh’s awful Monday night and the Bills’ confounding win on Sunday. He’s one game back in the standings so far.

** That Delaware/Navy game … let’s never speak of it again, OK?

** NBC has had two weather delays in the three NFL games it has broadcast thus far. Think God is pissed they had that stupid Ryan Seacrest intro thing to launch the season on a Thursday night? Me too.


Week 2 standings

1 --- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) --- 321.79
2 --- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) --- 320.61
3 --- the american way (Sam) --- 315.88
4 --- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) --- 300.60
5 --- Bad like Congress (Jim) --- 291.13
6 --- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --- 280.38
7 --- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --- 268.22
8 --- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) --- 267.21
9 --- The Maltese Falcons (Bob) --- 263.69
10 --- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) --- 242.36
11 --- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --- 224.33

Dad closed the gap with Paul for first place, while Sam is close behi … wait, Sam is up top again? I gotta fix this league next year.

Mike becomes the first coach to see his team score under 100 pts for the week (99.64, but it’s still under) which has to be a crushing disappointment for him. Then again, after you make the decision to start a WR named Kenbrell, all the world becomes a disappointment to you.

Fantasy League 2013 -- Week 1 recap

EXCLUSIVE: Eagles coach Chip Kelly sat down with us today to discuss his successful coaching debut and expectations for the rest of the season. Here’s the full transcript:

Q: Coach, congrats on your big win Monday night. You must be thrilled. CK:YouBetchaThatWasAGreatWinForOurGuysICoudn’tBeProuder
LookingForwardToGettingBackOutThereNextWeek.

Q: Um, OK. A lot has been made about how fast your new offense is, and that was really on display this week. But is it really sustainable for the whole year? CK:ShootOurOffenseAintNoQuickerThanAnyOtherGoodTeamOut
ThereWeJustExecutedWellAndStuckWithOurPlanAndIHopeWe
CanDoThatAllYearLong.

Q: What about QB Mike Vick? He’s had injury problems. Can he sustain this kind of tempo week after week? 
CK: Nah. He’ll probably be dead after three games. No biggie.

Q: And what about your defensive lapses in the second half. One of the big problems… CK:SorryYour20SecondsAreUpIGottaGoThanks!

For the record, during the interview Kelly also finished reading “War and Peace” and completed his tax returns for next year.

QB: Peyton Manning, 60.28 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Anquan Boldin, 32.87 pts -- on Sam’s bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 33.00 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Jared Cook, 26.40 pts -- started by Joel
K: Greg Zuerlein, 14.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: Kansas City, 31.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Barry Church, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Manning’s seven-TD performance on Thursday night was the greatest single-fantasy player day in league history (besting the 57.53-pt performance by Mike Vick back in 2010). He’s the sixth QB to throw that many scores in a game, but he’s the first ever to do it on a special Thursday night edition of Sunday night football, because words have no meaning anymore.

Incidentally, Peyton’s younger, dopier brother Eli was the second highest-scoring QB this week, with 36.80 points (despite four INTs and a terrible loss). Together, the Super Manning Bros outscored Tom Brady, Russell Wilson, Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger, Cam Newton and Josh Freeman combined. And they also beat Kevin Kolb by almost 100 points.

3rd place: Marquise Goodwin, -1.00 -- on the wire
2nd place: Trumaine McBride , -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: David Wilson, -2.10 pts -- started by Jo

It’s hard to have a worse debut than Wilson, who managed two fumbles and a measly 19 yards in the opener. On the plus side, he plays in New York, and those fans and sportswriters are known for patience when it comes to their pro athletes. FYI, WR Terrell Owens, who refuses to retire despite no interest from NFL teams, scored zero points this week.

We’re gonna try a different format here this year -- shorter, less analysis of the stupidity -- because, honestly, thinking about these things in depth is causing my brain to atrophy. And we’re already over our brain surgery limit for the year here at Fort Awesome. So, here’s what killed off frontal lobe cells this week:

 ** The local radio folks, every day at 2:59 pm, announce that “we’re about to hit R-G-Three’o’clock.” Because Griffin is so good, he has reinvented how we identify time.

** Matt Millen is still working as a color commentator for college football. Every word that comes out of his mouth that isn’t “I put the only 0-16 team in NFL history together!” is an affront to human decency.

 ** The local paper keeps referring to the Washington Natinals “dwindling” and “vanishing” playoff chances. They’re seven games out with 17 left to play. They’re done. Stop it.

 ** Sports Illustrated has a feature story this week titled “How to beat Bama” with eight steps to upsetting the college juggernaut. 1, 2, and 3 were all “challenge their secondary.” Steps 4, 5, and 6 were “stop their RBs, WRs, and offensive line.” Step 8 was “make it to the fourth quarter.” Step 9, presumably, was “win the game.” It’s simple when you think about it.

 ** All offseason, the NFL execs said they would be more focused on player safety this season. So what do we get the first week? Four safeties, the most ever recorded in a single NFL weekend. Coincidence?

 ** Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez, currently in jail for murder, was ranked 2003 out of 2756 players in Yahoo’s fantasy pre-draft rankings. That means they think that, from prison, there are still 753 players who will score fewer points than him. One of those was free agent QB Tim Tebow, ranked 2755. Why won’t the NFL let him play?

 ** The New York Jets won a game this week. That has to be rigged, right?

The Cowboys selected Wisconsin standout Travis Frederick in the first round this spring, not because they needed a new center, but because all those vowels make him perfect for the weekly anagram insults. Consider:

Travis Frederick
** Decaf river skirt
** Fever-rid sick rat
** Iced fart iks Rev
** Faster driver? Ick
** Verdict: fare risk
** Riveted car frisk
** Starve Rick? Fired.

I don’t know who Rick is, but it’s just unconscionable for the new guy to starve him and he should have been fired for it. He’ll fit right in with these godless bums.

** It’s only one week into the season and I’m three games up on Dad in our weekly picks. The only game I missed this week was the Chiefs over the Jaguars, because I assumed Andy Reid’s QB would throw up all over their field when they arrive in south Florida. I guess it was just the one guy who had that problem.

 ** For the record, in my other league (which involves money) I had to play the guy who started Peyton Manning. And I crushed him anyways. That’s good coaching right there.

 ** Delaware beat Delaware State on Saturday. Next up is Navy, so this is the one weekend a year you can root for the US military to lose.

Week 1 standings

1 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 183.31
2 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 167.57
3 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 155.60
4 -- the american way (Sam) -- 150.59
5 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 148.39
6 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 145.79
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 138.65
8 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 138.18
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 121.14
10 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 115.10
11 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 105.32

Big props to Paul, not just for his monster opening week but also for his team name change (‘I mildly like WRs’ is great internal comedy).

And even though Ant is all the way at the other end of the scale, even he topped 100 pts this week, which is the first time in league history we have everyone in triple figures in a single week (probably. I’m not going back to check that for accuracy.) So that’s a big round of applause for everyone.

But mostly just for Paul, because he’s in the lead.

Fantasy League 2013 -- preseason predictions

The teams are set, the season is ready to begin, and your fates have already been decided. Here’s how the 2013 fantasy season is going to play out.

11 -- Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected Points: 1864.55
Analysis: Ant wins the best new team name of the year, hands down, but gets ranked dead last because he picked up Tony Romo. Sure, he has two great RBs and four, count ‘em, four WRs to back Drew Brees, but don’t let logic get in the way of rooting for his Romo-laden squad to fail.

10 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo)
Projected Points: 1999.29
Analysis: Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, but sadly even a history major couldn’t prevent Joanner from ending up with Mike Vick on her squad again. On the plus side, she did win the LeSean McCoy/David Akers sweepstakes. And the last time she drafted Tom Brady, he broke his leg in the first game of the season. So...

9 -- Bad like Congress (Jim)
Projected Points: 2001.03
Analysis: Jim’s starting TE this year is Rob Housler. I have no idea who that is. He does have Eli Manning and Victor Cruz, and I know who they are. And I’ll be rooting for their failure every week too.

8 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2079.56
Analysis: Jeff’s team looks good on paper, but sadly for him, we’ve been doing this league on computers since day one. A Detroit QB? A Denver running back? A first round WR? The answer to that Jeopardy entry is “what are three things that never work out in fantasy football.”

7 -- Kickers Rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 2106.41
Analysis: It doesn’t really matter who Sam drafts, because he only knows who the Patriots players are (and even then, he really just knows Tom Brady and former New Englander Wes Welker). Still, relying on Cam Newtown and Jamaal Charles -- the newest RB to be ruined by coach Andy Reid -- is a recipe for disaster.

6 -- I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2146.77
Analysis: Paul’s top two running backs are all-time legend Adrian Peterson and Giovani Bernard, someone who none of you knew was even in the league. He snagged QB Andrew Luck for the second year in a row, but his WR corps is only five deep. That’s not very loving, if you ask me.

5 -- Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2147.77
Analysis: Joel finished a strong fifth last year and will follow up that success with … stagnation. Larry Fitzgerald? Stevan Ridley? Golden Tate? Darren Sproles? Meh. Even his team name feels a year old. Hey, what ever happened to that Tebow guy? I hardly ever hear him mentioned on ESPN nowadays.

4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2200.08
Analysis: Don’t worry -- I don’t really think Dad will finish this high. I just ran out of room at the bottom to rank his team. Dad ended up with no Eagles (which is good), no NFC East rivals (which is good) and Peyton Manning/Arian Foster/Jimmy Graham (which is great). As long as he doesn’t look any deeper at his team (Jonathan Stewart is still in the league?) he should be fine.

3 -- III-time Champion
Projected Points: 2321.21
Analysis: Ugh. I’ve grabbed Marshawn Lynch and Aaron Rodgers, and I still don’t like this team. It’s mostly WR T.Y. Hilton. You don’t win championships with guys who have initials for names. Just ask T.O., or T.J. Houshmandzadeh, or J.R. Montana.

2 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2486.41
Analysis: You can’t coach good coaching, and that’s what Mike brings to the table again this year. That, and three solid WRs, three solid RBs and QB Russell Wilson. Seriously, his worst starter got 128 pts last year, because he was hurt for six games. This could be a bloodbath.

1 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected Points: 2501.33
Analysis: Maybe it’s the magic of Robert Griffin III (you can never have too many IIIs on your team), maybe it’s his deep RB pool, maybe it’s just my attempt to jinx Bob yet again, but this feels like a winning squad. Of course, Bob’s attempt to class up the joint with his team name is an ill-fated endeavor. If he really wants to win, he should switch over to Vick in a Box immediately. The football gods are pretty crude.

Good luck to everyone on the season (except Anthony, he’s already sunk) and remember that the first game comes on Thursday. If you can’t get your lineup set by then, that’s a coaching problem, not a league failing.

Fantasy League 2013 -- draft preview

It seems like only yesterday that I was once again hoisting the Awesome Cup above the heads of my defeated fantasy foes, but another football season is already upon us. And before I can vanquish you all again, leaving you looking as dumbfounded as Eli Manning on a day ending in y, we’ve got to draft our teams.

Draft order rules are the same modified NBA-style system that we have every year (honestly, it’d be so much easier if I just made this up), and everyone’s representatives are here for the draft, so let’s put the names in the hat and see what happens.

11th pick -- Bobert
Bob finished third last year, so getting last in the draft order is stumble for him. Our pop culture expert, represented here by a DVD of “Starship Troopers,” emits a high pitched whine in protest, but is silenced by a nearby bug swatter.

10th pick -- Sam
If we were doing the draft order fair (reverse order of finish from last year), this is exactly where Sam would pick. So, good, I guess? Sam’s proxy, a stuffed bee that sorta looks like Pikachu, offers no fight to the news.

9th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Dammit, one of these years this screwy draft system is going to really benefit me, but it won’t be in 2013. My representative, the Awesome Cup that already bears my name thrice, glistens silently and comfortably on my imaginary mantle.

8th pick -- Jeff
Pretty sure Jeff got screwed here. He finished in the bottom of the pack and still ends up picking late. Still, the Blue Collar Killers’ stand in -- the marker that ruined the collar of my blue shirt -- appears undeterred.

7th pick -- Champ Mike
With Heidi AWOL again this season, Mike is Maryland’s only chance to bring back the Awesome Cup (Fort Awesome actually exists outside the state, under federal statute.) Mike’s rep, a one-legged Donovan McNabb bobblehead, laughs at the challenge.

6th pick -- Dad
The fantasy league hasn’t been kind to Dad in recent years, but can this year be different? Short answer: No. Long answer: No, but his proxy -- a copy of “Into Thin Air” -- displays an inspiring cover picture to try and cover the horrors inside.

5th pick -- Joel
Wait, Joel finished fifth last year? Really? And now he’s picking fifth. That’s karma. His stand-in, a poseable Brutus Buckeye, tilts slightly to the left in excitement before falling over in a pile of shame.

4th pick -- Jim
Ohio is fully accounted for yet again with Columbus’ premier political scribe’s entry into the draft order. His representative, Rand Paul appearing on Fox News, issues a determined but somehow soulless stare in response to the challenge.

3rd pick -- Joanner
Jo, who lives in the same home as the Awesome Cup champion and yet does not get to claim any ownership of said trophy, has a chance to redeem her miserable 2012 campaign with a high pick this year. Her representative, herself, asks why we go through this complicated and completely unseen draft process every year. She is immediately docked 50 points.

2nd pick -- Ant
And with the second pick, Anthony selects LaDanian Tomlinson. Again. You all know he’s going to. It’s already happened like five times in league history. Ant’s proxy, his godson, asks he can have more Fruity Cheerios before going to bed. Of course not. Cheerios are for winners.

1st pick -- Paul
Congrats to our own wide receiver support group leader on grabbing the coveted Adrian Peterson spot in this year’s draft. Or Calvin Johnson, if Paul is drunk that night. His stand-in, an old-time leather Eagles helmet, stiffens with pride at the early victory.

Get ready kids -- set your draft order by Friday night at 8, and I’ll switch the draft on sometime that evening. And then the beat downs begin.

And switch your team names to something new, if you haven’t already. Right now, Anthony has the best one by far.

Just a reminder, here's what you're all playing for:

Because preseason means everything

Vick so far this preseason: 13/15, 199 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
Vick's seasons in the pros: 10 (not including jail time)

Years with a QB rating over 85: 2
Years with 3,000-plus yards passing: 2
Years with 20 TD passes: 2
Seasons with 16 starts: 1

Years with double digit INTs: 5
Years with five or more fumbles: 4
Years with 30-plus sacks: 5
Years with 3 or fewer rushing TDS: 7

But, yeah, I guess two good pre-season games shows that Vick has great potential.

Worst fantasy football pick ups for 2013

** QB R. Griffin
(Ryan, Saints 4th stringer)

** WR C. Johnson
(Charles, Packers 4th stringer)

** WR J. Green
(Jared, Cowboys 5th stringer)

** TE Celek
(Garrett, 49ers 3rd stringer)

 ** RB D. Williams
(Deonte, Raiders 5th stringer)

**QB M. Vick
(Mike, Eagles 1st stringer)

Coolest out of focus picture ever

 

It's just a fun ballpark picture at first glance, but once you get the IDs on there, you see it's the 1993 Phillies standing beside the 2013 Phillies at this Sunday's game. Click to see it a little bigger. 

A little bigger, for the vision impaired. 

Days above .500

A look back at the number of days Philly sports teams have boasted a winning record from Aug. 1, 2012, until July 31, 2013.

** 2012 Phillies (partial season) -- 14 days
** 2012 Eagles -- 34 days
** 2012-13 Sixers -- 43 days
** 2013 Flyers -- 0 days
** 2013 Phillies (partial season) -- 2 days

Total days with a winning record = 93
Total calendar days = 365
Total sports days = 563
Percent sports days with a winning team = 16.5%

Oof.

Terrible fantasy football names, 2013

** All Braun, no brains
** AP's PEDs (who rushes for 2100 yds after a leg injury?)
** Mike Vick 4Never
** Big fat Chief Andy
** Tim TE-bow (who else is playing TE for them?)
** Robert Gimpy III
** ImaginManti Friends
** Geno's NY Deli
** Bad Romo-ance
** Eli Manning blows

34 innings in 26 hours

Here’s a closer look at the Phillies back-to-back-to-back extra-inning games this weekend:

* At bats (Phillies) = 121
* At bats (White Sox) = 122

* Hits (Phillies) = 27
* Hits (White Sox) = 31

* Runs (Phillies) = 10
* Runs (White Sox) = 9

* Pitchers used (Phillies) = 14
* Pitchers used (White Sox) = 18

* Pitches thrown (Phillies) = 485
* Pitches thrown (both teams) = 1,021

* Double plays turned (Phillies) = 6
* Double plays turned (both teams) = 10

* Errors/Passed balls (Phillies) = 6
* Errors/Passed balls (both teams) = 8

* Runners left on base (Phillies) = 25
* Runners left on base (both teams) = 54

* Total time played (excluding rain delay) = 11 hours, 12 minutes
* Total time played (with rain delay) = 11 hours, 53 minutes

* Innings ended with a lead (Phillies) = 13
* Innings ended with a lead (White Sox) = 4

* Phillies who played all 34 innings:
-- Domonic Brown, 1-13 with 3 RBI
-- Darin Ruf, 3-12 with 1 RBI
-- Delmon Young, 3-15 with 1 RBI

All-star caliber squad

Current Phillies players and the All-Star teams they've made:

C Carlos Ruiz -- 2012
1B Ryan Howard -- 2006, 2009, 2010
2B Chase Utley -- 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010
SS Jimmy Rollins -- 2001, 2002, 2005
3B Michael Young -- 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011
LF Domonic Brown -- 2013

SP Roy Halladay -- 2002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011
SP Cliff Lee -- 2008, 2009, 2011, 2013
SP Cole Hamels -- 2007, 2011, 2012
RP Jonathan Papelbon -- 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2012

40 All-Star appearances on the current roster, along with two MVPs and three Cy Young awards. Remind me again why this team stinks?

Analyzing autographs

A quick spin through the autographed items available at the Philadelphia Phillies online store:

Item: Five-ball set with autographs of 2008 Phillies team
Price: $2,789.99
Worth it: Probably. You could probably get season tickets for the next two years for that price, but the 2014 and 2015 teams won't be as good as that 2008 World Champion squad.

Item: Roy Halladay, Cy Young winner, autographed baseball
Price: $557.99
Worth it: Nope. I mean, it's awesome, but the regular Roy Halladay autographed ball is only $379.99. The extra "CY 2010" costs almost $30 more a character.

Item: Ryan Howard autographed baseball
Price: $309.99
Worth it: Apparently. The 2008 World Series edition of this ball costs $20 more, and one with an official MLB hologram sticker costs another $147. And each strikeout drops the ball's price by another dime.

Item: Mike Schmidt autographed baseball
Price: $177.99
Worth it: Are you kidding me? I can have two of these for the price of one Ryan Howard signature? Has the world gone mad?

Item: Joe Blanton autographed baseball
Price: $149.99
Worth it: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No.

Item: John Mayberry Jr. autographed baseball
Price: $74.99
Worth it: Eh. Just wait a few more months, you'll probably be able to pay Mayberry $30 to mow your lawn instead.

Upcoming Phillies Schedule

Here's a quick look at the cheapest tickets available on eBay to Phillies games scheduled over the next two weeks:

Location	Opponent	Date	Price
Los Angeles	Dodgers	28-Jun	$6.00
Los Angeles	Dodgers	29-Jun	$6.95
Pittsburgh	Pirates	2-Jul	$7.50
Pittsburgh	Pirates	3-Jul	$7.99
Pittsburgh	Pirates	4-Jul	$8.99
Philadelphia	Braves	5-Jul	$20.00
Philadelphia	Braves	6-Jul	$26.20
Philadelphia	Braves	7-Jul	$17.40
Philadelphia	Nationals	8-Jul	$15.00
Philadelphia	Nationals	9-Jul	$14.00
Philadelphia	Nationals	10-Jul	$15.00
Philadelphia	Nationals	11-Jul	$20.00

Translation -- Philly fans still think this team is worth watching, but other baseball fans don't.

An appreciation of Jimmy Rollins

With trade winds starting to mention Jimmy Rollins' name, here's a quick overview of where the current Phillies shortstop sits in team history:

-- 2nd in games played (541 behind 1st place)
-- 2nd in doubles (4 behind 1st place)
-- 2nd in extra base hits (274 behind 1st place)
-- 3rd in stolen bases (1 behind 2nd place)
-- 3rd in runs (158 behind 2nd place)
-- 3rd in triples (21 behind 2nd place)
-- 4th in hits (120 behind 3rd place)
-- 9th in RBI (10 behind 8th place)
-- 10th in home runs (7 behind 9th place)

He's also second all-time in knee-jerk fan complaints, trailing only Ryan Howard.

Lincoln Financial Field renovations

Eagles officials announced $125 million in stadium renovations this week, designed to spruce up the team's home over the next two years. The headline projects include new video boards, a seating expansion and connecting bridges for the upper concourses. Here's what else to expect:

** New sideline signs indicating where the Eagles offense can find the end zone.
** A holding pen for Danny Watkins, to keep him from wandering onto the field.
** Cheese Whiz dispensers at every seat.
** Recycling bins for fans' unwanted Mike Vick jerseys.
** Decontamination/biohazard room for when the Cowboys visit.
** Wider doorways in media rooms, to accommodate Joe Buck's swollen head.
** A new mural dedicated to Koy Detmer's 1998 Eagles (3-13 record).
** In every restroom, a live audio feed of Donovan McNabb's current pissing and moaning.
** 40-foot tall bronze statue of Brian Dawkins sacking Troy Aikman.
** Hunter green everything.

Ongoing pain

This week marked the 30th anniversary of the 76ers 1983 championship, the most recent title for that storied franchise. It's a reminder that, despite the excitement of the 2008 Phillies World Series victory, Philadelphia fans have been in a ridiculously long title-less streak over the last three decades. Consider how the other major sports cities (those with all four sports) in America have fared since the end of the 1983 basketball season (117 professional sports seasons ago):

New York -- 10 titles
Boston -- 9 titles
Chicago -- 9 titles
Detroit -- 8 titles
San Francisco -- 7 titles
Dallas -- 5 titles
Miami -- 4 titles
Denver -- 3 titles
Minneapolis -- 2 titles
Washington -- 2 titles
Philadelphia -- 1 title
Phoenix -- 1 title 

Those cities in red? They didn't have all four sports teams for the whole 30 year span. In fact, Minneapolis, Washington and Phoenix have boasted all four for less than 15 years.

Let's get it in gear, folks. I can wait until my 60s for the next Philly champion.

Happy 36th birthday, G

As always, when G has a birthday, all the top Philly sports figures pay their respects.

Phillies logic puzzle

The Phillies hitting problem right now: 
Team avg -- .244 (21st in MLB)
Team runs -- 157 (27th in MLB)
Team RBI -- 147 (28th in MLB)

Related statistics:
Pinch hitter hits -- 20 (1st in MLB)
Pinch hitter avg -- .274 (5th in MLB)

The solution:
Bench Ryan Howard and Domonic Brown at the start of every game, then have them pinch hit at the bottom of the first inning. Since they'll be pinch hitters, their batting average will improve, and so will the team's performance.

Couldn't make the cut

Here's a look at a few key Phillies cast-offs from the last nine months, and how they're doing today:

Player: OF Nate Schierholtz
Status: Acquired by the Phils in the Hunter Pence trade, released in the off-season, signed by the Cubs
Stats: 107 AB, .299 AVG, 19 RBI, 4 HR
Analysis: That's a higher average than every Phillies starter except Michael Young, and more RBI than every player except Utley and Howard.


Player: 2B Yuniesky Betancourt
Status: Invited and dropped in Spring Training, signed by the Pirates
Stats: 125 AB, .248 AVG, 24 RBI, 8 HR
Analysis: That's a more HR than every Phillie on the roster, and more RBI than everyone but Utley (who also has 24).


Player: OF Hunter Pence
Status: Traded by the Phillies last August, under contract with the Giants through 2014
Stats: 153 AB, .281 AVG, 22 RBI, 7 HR, 7 SB
Analysis: It would have been expensive to keep him, but he'd be leading the team in HR and SB if he were here.


Player: P Joe Blanton
Status: Traded to the Dodgers last August
Stats: 8 starts, 0-7 record, 6.46 ERA
Analysis: OK, maybe they got that one right.

Playoff probability

The Flyers elimination from the playoffs last month made 2012-2013 the first sports year since 1992-1993 that none of the big four Philly teams made the postseason. Here’s a look at the upcoming teams’ outlook and when that streak might end.

2013 Phillies: Roy Halladay is hurt, the offense isn’t hitting, and the Braves look really good.
Chance: 5 percent

2013 Eagles: New coach, new attitude, same defensive players.
Chance: 4 percent

2013-14 Sixers: Andrew Bynum gets re-signed, then gets hurt again, then watches the losses pile up from the bench.
Chance: 5 percent

2013-14 Flyers: A slow start leads to a Bryzgalov trade, which leads to even more losses.
Chance: 7 percent

2014 Phillies: With Cliff Lee and Ryan Howard traded, Domonic Brown becomes the team’s leader. 105 losses follow.
Chance: 3 percent

2014 Eagles: QB Matt Barkley is named starter for the year. Gets benched by October.
Chance: 4 percent

2014-15 Sixers: Bynum gets traded for Dwight Howard, whose leadership skills shine through as expected.
Chance: 6 percent

2014-15 Flyers: No way the Flyers miss the playoffs three straight years. They aren’t the Columbus Blue Jackets.
Chance: 100 percent

Grading the Eagles draft grades

Here's a recap of how sports analysts broke down the Philadelphia Eagles' picks in this weekend's NFL, and how each of them performed.

** Mel Kiper, ESPN
His analysis: B-plus overall, A for value
Grade of his work: F
-- A multi-step grade is far too complicated. Can you fail in a chemistry test but get an A for effort? Sure, in a crappy charter school you can. But this is the big leagues, not New Jersey's suburbs.

** Eliot Harrison, NFL.com
His analysis: "overall winner"
Grade of his work: F
-- Again, this analysis misses the point of the grading system. Do we want a real perspective on which teams did well? Of course not. We want easy to digest grades. This isn't a pass/fail test. This is real fake grading.

** Evan Silva, Rotoworld
His analysis: C-minus
Grade of his work: F
-- His grading includes the phrase "All of Philly's rookies look like good values" and then he gives them the lowest grade in the NFC. Because that makes sense.

** Washington Post
Their analysis: B-plus
Grade of their work: F
-- Only one team got an A, and no team got worse than a C-. We want Ds and Fs. If everybody gets good grades, then clearly no one in the class has learned anything.

** Chris Burke, SI
His analysis: B
Grade of his work: B
-- Seems fair

** Rob Rang, CBS Sports
His analysis: A-minus
Grade of his work: F
-- Rang names only six of the Eagles eight draft picks in his 200-word analysis, omitting their fifth and final seventh round picks. Doesn't he know those marginal talents are the heart of draft grading? How can you decide if a team performed well without looking at the 239th player chosen?

Overall draft grading grade: D-minus

-- Too much repetition, too much effort making a simple, pointless letter into an actual grading exercise. I'd give the Eagles a B-plus for their draft. Wanna know why? None of your business, that's why. I'm the instructor, you can't question my authority. The end. Learn from my genius, folks. 

Eagles draft pick preview

With the draft just two days away, here's a look back at Eagles recent first round draft pick history:

2012: Defensive Lineman
2011: Offensive Lineman
2010: Defensive Lineman
2009: WR
2008: None
2007: None
2006: Defensive Lineman
2005: Defensive Lineman
2004: Offensive Lineman
2003: Defensive Lineman

Here's a look at their projected first-round pick this year:

CBS.com's Rob Rang: Defensive Lineman
CBS.com's Dane Brugler: Offensive Lineman
CBS.com's Pete Prisco: Defensive Lineman
NFL.com's Gil Brandt: Offensive Lineman
NFL.com's Josh Norris: Defensive Lineman
NFL.com's Matt Smith: Defensive Lineman
ESPN's Todd McShay: Offensive Lineman
Fox.com: Offensive Lineman

NFL draft fever -- catch it!

One man show

A quick look at the MLB RBI leaders so far, and just how much of their team's offense they account for:

I woulda though Utley was higher, since appears to be the only member of the Phillies who can hit.

Full data is here, if anyone should need it.

Bad pitching = good result

Number of game into the season it took the Phillies to give up 48 runs, by year:

2007 -- 9 games (later lost division playoffs)
2008 -- 9 games (later won World Series)
2009 -- 8 games (later lost World Series)
2010 -- 11 games (later lost NLCS)
2011 -- 14 games (later lost division playoffs)
2012 -- 17 games (missed playoffs)
2013 -- 7 games

Clearly, all this terrible pitching is great news -- the Phillies are on pace to win the World Series again.

The costs of baseball excellence

The Houston Astros (who won MLB's season opener last night) have an opening day payroll of $24.3 million, the lowest of any team and a little more than one-tenth what the Yankee's team costs right now ($229 million). A lot has been made that Alex Rodriguez alone ($29 million) will make more than the Astros' entire slate of players, but here's a look at what slice of the Phillies you could get for that little cash:

-- P Cliff Lee ($25M) for every start this year except one
-- P Roy Halladay ($20M) and P Kyle Kendrick ($4.5M)
-- SS Jimmy Rollins ($11M) and P Jonathan Papelbon ($13M)
-- Five C Carlos Ruizes ($5M)
-- Every outfielder on the roster (Laynce Nix at $1.35M, Delmon Young at $750K, John Mayberry at $517K, Ben Revere at $515K, Domonic Brown at $500K, Feddy Galvis at $490K) plus 1B Ryan Howard ($20M)
-- Fifty C Eric Kratzes ($496K)
-- One P Cole Hamels from 2013 ($19.5 M) and one P Cole Hamels from 2009 ($4.4M)
-- 1,435,294 baseballs from the Phillies official store ($17 each)

Recent Philly sports success

A brief look back at recent post-seasons:

** LaSalle's wins in the current NCAA tournament: 3

** Temple's wins in the current NCAA tournament: 1

** Other Philly sports playoff wins in the last 10 months, all pro and college spots: 0

** Other Philly sports teams to advance past the first round of the playoffs in the last 12 months, all pro and college sports: 2 (Flyers, Sixers)

** Other Philly sports teams to advance past the first round of the playoffs in the last 24 months, all pro and college sports: 3 (Flyers 2 times, Sixers)

So ... go Explorers.

Field of 64, Philly style

It's that time again. The last 12 months were awful for Philadelphia sports, but that doesn't mean we can't still find a clear winner. Or, at the very least, we can eliminate the 63 losers...

(Click the picture to view the full bracket already)

Goodbye and good riddance

In honor of the departure of overhyped and overpaid CB Nnamdi Asomugha, here's a look back at some of the highlights of his tenure with the Eagles: the anagrams of his name.

** Anguish and ammo
** I am human gonads
** Housing a madman
** A handgun mimosa
** Damn iguana mosh
** Ado, hamming anus
** No hugs, mama and I
** I can't cover anything.

OK, maybe that last one was a stretch...

Next season's sports-themed shows

Next week, ABC plans to debut its new show "Splash," which features athletes and c-list celebs learning how to dive off 10-meter platforms. The show's initial title, "The 8 p.m. bellyflop hour," was rejected in favor of the current one.

Still, the show is expected to be such as success that the networks have already ordered a slate of similar sporting-based shows for the fall schedule. Here's a preview:

Hopscotch (on FOX): Michael Irvin, Roger Clemens, John McEnroe and the cast of "The Real Housewives of Tulsa" pair up with professional playground enthusiasts to see which team can skip all the way to the top.

Clean sweep (on NBC): As a lead up to their 2014 Olympic programming, producers pit the world's top curling teams against Jeremy Roenick and his band of retired NHLers in a winner-take-all contest. But this time, checking is allowed.

Fish out of Water (on ABC): The New England Patriots linemen have what it take to protect Tom Brady, but can they save themselves in a game of Marco Polo against Joan Rivers?

Chutes and Losers (on CBS): Ever wonder how Betty White would do in a high-stress game of Chutes and Ladders? No? Too bad! This show pits her against unsuspecting New Yorkers, with a $500 prize on the line.

Tag (on TNT): Charles Barkley and some local schoolkids play tag. That's it. Series lasts 17 episodes.

Hole in the Wall (on Fox): Contestants stand at the end of a conveyor belt and have to angle their body in the shape of a hole in a wall to earn points. Oh, wait, that already happened.

Spring training facts

Extrapolating the likely Phillies season-end stats based on four spring training games:

RBI leader: 162, C Tommy Joseph
SB leader: 81, OF Ben Revere
Hits leader: 231, 2B Yuniesky Betancourt
Runs leader: 202, 1B Ryan Howard
HR leader: 81, OF Domonic Brown
** projected new MLB record

Wins leader: 54, RP Zach Miner

** projected new MLB record 

Ks leader: 235, SP Roy Halladay

BBs leader: 200, SP Tyler Cloyd

Losses leader: 54, RP Jonathan Papelbon

** projected new MLB record 

ERA leader: 0.00, SP Cliff Lee

** projected new MLB record 

Projected Phillies record: 41-81-40

I know 40 ties is unlikely, considering there haven't been any in baseball's regular season in about 100 years, but they do have that weird new interleague schedule, so ...

Phillies 2013 Spring Training ads

After the success of last year's early ad campaign, the Phillies are back with a new, grittier set of ads for the start of the 2013 season:

The State of Philadelphia Sports address, 2013

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, fellow citizens:

Well, the Sixers lost yesterday, the Flyers lost yesterday, the Eagles resigned Mike Vick, and Chooch is suspended for the first 25 games of the baseball season.

Yeah, the state of our union is not good.

At least the state of the Philadelphia Union is still ok (0-0-1).

God bless America.

Greatest colleges ever

A full list of schools who can claim a U.S. vice president and a Super Bowl MVP among their alumni:

1 -- University of Michigan
VP: Gerald Ford
MVP: Tom Brady, Desmond Howard

2 -- University of Delaware
VP: Joe Biden
MVP: Joe Flacco

3 -- None

And, just to add to the prestige, see if you can identify which helmet is from which school:

Super Bowl rooting interests

Not sure who to root for in the Super Bowl as an Eagles fan? Take these athletes with local ties into consideration:

San Francisco 49ers
** K David Akers
-- Spent 11 years with the Eagles, setting team records in career points, FG made, and about 700 other categories. He also completed one pass for 11 yards during that time.
** TE Garrett Celek
-- Younger brother of Eagles TE Brent Celek. He has four catches for 51 yards on the season.
** CB Chris Culliver
-- Second-year defensive back was born and raised in Philadelphia, but played high school ball in North Carolina.
** LB NaVarro Bowman
-- The Pro-Bowl linebacker played college football at Penn State.

Baltimore Ravens
** S Sean Considine
-- Drafted by the Eagles in 2005, Considine collected more than 110 tackles as a defensive back over his first four years. This season, he has played mainly special teams.
** RB Bernard Pierce
-- The Ardmore native and Temple star has been a key backup for the Ravens, rushing for more than 500 yards on the season.
** C Gino Gradkowski
-- Rookie offensive lineman was a fourth-round draft pick from University of Delaware, where he served as a co-captain during his senior year.
** QB Joe Flacco
-- The five-year pro is the highest NFL draft pick in University of Delaware history (18th overall) and arguably the most successful pro player in school history (with apologies to Rich Gannon).
** LB Jameel McClain
-- The Philadelphia native and George Washington High star was placed on injured reserve for the season in late December.
** Coach John Harbaugh
-- Spent nine years on the Eagles coaching staff, and served as special teams coordinator during the team's 2004 Super Bowl run.

The Ravens have an impressive list of Philly connections, but let's be honest -- you really don't care about anyone on this list other than Akers. Here's hoping he gets his ring.

Philadelphia's 1991-1992 season

Key figures in the Philadelphia sports world during the 1991-1992 season:

** Eagles QB Jim McMahon -- 2,239 yds, 12 TDs, 11 INTs. Took over as the team's signal caller when the electrifying yet fragile Randall Cunningham was injured in the early season.

** Phillies 1B John Kruk -- .294 AVG., 92 RBI, 21 HRs. Led the team in most power categories, but never  reached those offensive numbers again in his career (although he did improve his average and runs scored).

** Flyers C Rod Bind'Amour -- 33 goals, 44 assists. Led the team in points but posted only a -3 plus/minus for the season. The team finished sixth in the division.

** Sixers PF Charles Barkley -- 23.1 pts per game, 11.1 rebounds per game. In his last season in Philadelphia, the popular "round mound of rebound" put up all-star worthy numbers for a squad that only posted a 35-47 record.

Why bring them up now? Because 21 years ago was the last time that all four Philadelphia teams missed the playoffs in the same year. With the Eagles and Phillies already posting failures, the Sixers in 9th place in the conference, and the Flyers dropping their first three games of the shortened NHL season, it's suddenly a real possibility again.

The Eagles search for a new head coach

Partial list of coaches under consideration for the Eagles head coaching spot:

** Former Bears coach Lovie Smith (pending)
** Former Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt (pending)
** Seahawks defense coach Gus Bradley (pending)
** Bengals offense coach Jay Gruden (pending)
** Colts offense coach Bruce Arians (pending)
** Oregon coach Chip Kelly (rejected)
** Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly (rejected)
** Penn State coach Bill O'Brien (rejected)
** Retired coach John Gruden (won't return calls)
** Retired coach Brian Billick (really? are we that desparate)
** Retired coach Vince Lombardi (dead)
** Phillies coach Charlie Manuel (pending)
** Patriots coach Bill Belichick (pleading)
** Chiefs coach Andy Reid (probably not)
** Papa John's spokesman Peyton Manning (pending)
** Retired coach Bill Cowher (naaaah)
** Homeless man who just walked by the stadium (pending)

The worst Super Bowl outcomes left

Now that the Maryland Racial Slurs have been crippled eliminated from the post-season, here are the four worst possible Super Bowl match-ups remaining:

5 -- Patriots vs 49ers
The two weeks leading up to the big game would be full of "dynasty vs. dynasty" talk, even though New England has lost its last two championship games and the 49ers haven't been there for almost two decades.

4 -- Patriots vs Packers
Which QB would you rather have: Brady or Rodgers? Here's a better question: Which team can refuse to acknowledge the run game more? Why do we have RBs anyway?

3 -- Patriots vs Seahawks
The Seahawks are responsible for most boring Super Bowl of the last decade (SB XL, also known as the one they handed to Jerome Bettis). The Patriots are the Patriots.

2 -- Ravens vs Falcons
There's a good chance that this could be the first Super Bowl that ends 3-0. There's also a great chance that Ray Lewis will be named MVP before a down is played, regardless how poor he plays.

1 -- Patriots vs Falcons
A battle for the ages: An undeserving Boston fan base that still feels persecuted despite eight sports championships since 2000, playing against an undeserving Atlanta fan base that struggles to sell out playoff games. Both loser and winner whine incessantly.

2012 fantasy recap -- final standings

All good things must come to an end. But before we say goodbye to 2012 completely, lets look back at how the fantasy season shook out:

I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2106.41 pts (7th place)
Actual Points: 1720.68 pts (12th place)
NFL Equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars
Analysis: Much like the woeful Jags, Paul's squad was done in by poor coaching and players who simply quit on the season (I'm pretty sure Paul stopped setting his roster in week 9). But, much like the woeful Jags, no one noticed he was still playing after December rolled around, so I guess it evens out. Paul did manage to set two league records this year -- the most TDs in a week (10, week 6) and the least TDs in a week (1, week 11) -- so there's at least that bit of trivia to keep him warm in the cold off-season.

Fool for Foles (Joanner)
Projected Points: 2147.77 pts (5th place)
Actual Points: 1964.93 pts (11th place)
NFL Equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
Analysis: It's hard to point to one thing that killed Joanner's team this season, but ... no, wait, it's not. It's the same thing that killed the Eagles: Michael "the turnover machine" Vick. He ended the season with more turnovers (15) than TDs (13) and scored fewer fantasy points than luminaries like Brandon Weeden, Ryan Tannehill and Christian Ponder. On the bright side, if she ends up with him again next year, he won't have a "PHI" tag next to his name.

Romney's tax returns (Jim)
Projected Points: 2079.56 pts (8th place)
Actual Points: 2011.52 pts (10th place)
NFL Equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Analysis: Jim ended up with two of the top three WRs in the game, the #3 TE overall and ... not much else, really. He took a disappointing Cam Newton with his first-round pick, preserving his "never take a RB first" philosophy and hitching his ground game to Michael Turner and Jonathan Stewart. Come to think of it, that's the opposite of the Browns, who have a great RB and nothing else. But I know how much Steelers fans like being compared to Cleveland teams, so we'll leave it like that.

Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
Projected Points: 2486.41 pts (2nd place)
Actual Points: 2021.81 pts (9th place)
NFL Equivalent: New York Giants
Analysis: Last year's Awesome Cup champion had some late flashes of brilliance, but like dopey Eli Manning, he won't be defending his title in the playoffs. Of course, we don't have playoffs, but that's not the point. The point is Anthony's team was a wreck and Eli Manning is a dope. That dude tanked two of my other fantasy teams this year and is so awful I've run out of ways to ridicule him. And he has two Super Bowl rings. I have to go throw up again.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2200.08 pts (4th place)
Actual Points: 2047.14 pts (8th place)
NFL Equivalent: Tennessee Titans
Analysis: Jeff had the best team in the league if we used 2011 stats instead of 2012. Matt Stafford, LeSean McCoy, Roddy White, and Reggie Bush all had killer seasons last year. This round, not so much. If you're keeping score, this is the third former Awesome Cup champion to finish in the bottom five this campaign. 2012 was not kind to returning champions. Well, most of them, at least.

Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2146.77 pts (6th place)
Actual Points: 2089.69 pts (7th place)
NFL Equivalent: New York Jets
Analysis: How does a team with Peyton Manning finish in the bottom half of the league? Practice, practice, practice. (Hold on, I'm still working on that joke. I'll come back). Injuries to Ryan Matthews, Maurice Jones-Drew and Greg Jennings kept most of his A-Team on the sideline, and without a Hannibal or Face to bail the team out, they were sunk. (I don't think that A-Team reference works either. Come back to that too.) Also, Dad had Dwayne Bowe on his team, and that guy is fantasy poison. He's the modern equivalent of Fred Taylor.

Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2501.33 pts (1st place)
Actual Points: 2116.60 pts (6th place)
NFL Equivalent: USC Trojans
Analysis: Sixth place is a disappointing finish for ChampMike's proud squad, always a pre-season favorite in the polls. He did reclaim the "best team name" title, but it was a hollow victory. On the plus side, his players probably pull in a smaller salary than the actual USC team does, and his coaching decisions weren't so bad that we're vacating his last championship title. So, maybe there are worse fates than the middle of the pack.

Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2001.03 pts (9th place)
Actual Points: 2153.62 pts (5th place)
NFL Equivalent: Chicago Bears
Analysis: This is Joel's highest finish ever in the league (I'm pretty sure, but I'm not going back to double check), so fifth place is a bit of a victory for him. I picked him to finish worse solely based on taking WR Calvin Johnson with his first-round pick, but that and most of the rest of his choices turned out pretty well. What killed his title chances? QB Eli Manning, of course. Even when he didn't start that dope, his suckiness pervaded the team. I hate that guy so much...

Baby's First Team (Heidi)
Projected Points: 1999.29 pts (10th place)
Actual Points: 2200.97 (4th place)
NFL Equivalent: Seattle Seahawks
Analysis: Very quietly, Heidi put together an impressive campaign this year, slowly rising up the standings to steal a top-four finish. We all know it was steroid-related, of course, but because of the Olympics and the Lance Armstrong case, we simply didn't have the manpower available this year to drug test her regularly. We'll try and get that corrected for next year. In the meantime, we'll put an asterisk next to her finish, just in case.

The Bob-Dammits (Bobert)
Projected Points: 1788.93 pts (12th place)
Actual Points: 2999.09 pts (3rd place)
NFL Equivalent: Dallas Cowboys
Analysis: Everybody was rooting for the groom-to-be to pull out the title this year, but Bob's fate was sealed on draft day when he ended up with Tony Romo. When it came down to the final weeks of the season, with the trophy on the line, Bob's team faltered like Tony Romo in the fourth-quarter of a December game. Unlike the Cowboys, however, Bob will learn from his mistakes, and remember not to rely on those same losers next season. Also, Bob has a soul.

Kickers rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 1864.55 pts (11th place)
Actual Points: 2314.19 pts (2nd place)
NFL Equivalent: Maryland Racial Slurs
Analysis: Sam used rookie sensation Robert Griffin III to mount his own worst-to-first story this season, topping the standings for much of the year and threatening to win his first Awesome Cup championship despite not watching any football at all this year. Seriously, Sam has no idea what is going on in the NFL right now. If you told him the Saints were favored to win the Super Bowl, he would believe you. And he finished second. What are you people doing out there?

T-Old and T-Over (Capt. Awesome)
Projected Points: 2321.21 pts (3rd place)
Actual Points: 2384.55 pts (1st place)
NFL Equivalent: New England Patriots
Analysis: Yes, my friends, miracles can happen. When you organize the league, run the league, and provide in-depth weekly analysis recaps for the league, sometimes you can overcome the odds and win the league too. This latest victory makes me the first three-time champion in league history, and gives me three titles and two second-place finishes in the last decade (much like a certain insufferable Boston-area football team). But, unlike Tom Brady, I'm beloved by friends and colleagues, and don't need fame and fortune to make me happy.

But, if you must, feel free to bow down and admit defeat at the sight of the latest inscription on the Awesome Cup:

Thanks again for playing this year, and don't forget that I'm posting something ridiculous just about every week at this spot. Also, you only have seven months to get your 2013 draft order set, so get cracking. Try to put up more of a fight against my awesomeness next season.