I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2106.41 pts (7th place)Actual Points: 1720.68 pts (12th place)
NFL Equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars
Analysis: Much like the woeful Jags, Paul's squad was done in by poor coaching and players who simply quit on the season (I'm pretty sure Paul stopped setting his roster in week 9). But, much like the woeful Jags, no one noticed he was still playing after December rolled around, so I guess it evens out. Paul did manage to set two league records this year -- the most TDs in a week (10, week 6) and the least TDs in a week (1, week 11) -- so there's at least that bit of trivia to keep him warm in the cold off-season.
Fool for Foles (Joanner)
Projected Points: 2147.77 pts (5th place)Actual Points: 1964.93 pts (11th place)
NFL Equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
Analysis: It's hard to point to one thing that killed Joanner's team this season, but ... no, wait, it's not. It's the same thing that killed the Eagles: Michael "the turnover machine" Vick. He ended the season with more turnovers (15) than TDs (13) and scored fewer fantasy points than luminaries like Brandon Weeden, Ryan Tannehill and Christian Ponder. On the bright side, if she ends up with him again next year, he won't have a "PHI" tag next to his name.
Romney's tax returns (Jim)
Projected Points: 2079.56 pts (8th place)Actual Points: 2011.52 pts (10th place)
NFL Equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Analysis: Jim ended up with two of the top three WRs in the game, the #3 TE overall and ... not much else, really. He took a disappointing Cam Newton with his first-round pick, preserving his "never take a RB first" philosophy and hitching his ground game to Michael Turner and Jonathan Stewart. Come to think of it, that's the opposite of the Browns, who have a great RB and nothing else. But I know how much Steelers fans like being compared to Cleveland teams, so we'll leave it like that.
Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
Projected Points: 2486.41 pts (2nd place)Actual Points: 2021.81 pts (9th place)
NFL Equivalent: New York Giants
Analysis: Last year's Awesome Cup champion had some late flashes of brilliance, but like dopey Eli Manning, he won't be defending his title in the playoffs. Of course, we don't have playoffs, but that's not the point. The point is Anthony's team was a wreck and Eli Manning is a dope. That dude tanked two of my other fantasy teams this year and is so awful I've run out of ways to ridicule him. And he has two Super Bowl rings. I have to go throw up again.
Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2200.08 pts (4th place)Actual Points: 2047.14 pts (8th place)
NFL Equivalent: Tennessee Titans
Analysis: Jeff had the best team in the league if we used 2011 stats instead of 2012. Matt Stafford, LeSean McCoy, Roddy White, and Reggie Bush all had killer seasons last year. This round, not so much. If you're keeping score, this is the third former Awesome Cup champion to finish in the bottom five this campaign. 2012 was not kind to returning champions. Well, most of them, at least.
Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2146.77 pts (6th place)Actual Points: 2089.69 pts (7th place)
NFL Equivalent: New York Jets
Analysis: How does a team with Peyton Manning finish in the bottom half of the league? Practice, practice, practice. (Hold on, I'm still working on that joke. I'll come back). Injuries to Ryan Matthews, Maurice Jones-Drew and Greg Jennings kept most of his A-Team on the sideline, and without a Hannibal or Face to bail the team out, they were sunk. (I don't think that A-Team reference works either. Come back to that too.) Also, Dad had Dwayne Bowe on his team, and that guy is fantasy poison. He's the modern equivalent of Fred Taylor.
Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2501.33 pts (1st place)Actual Points: 2116.60 pts (6th place)
NFL Equivalent: USC Trojans
Analysis: Sixth place is a disappointing finish for ChampMike's proud squad, always a pre-season favorite in the polls. He did reclaim the "best team name" title, but it was a hollow victory. On the plus side, his players probably pull in a smaller salary than the actual USC team does, and his coaching decisions weren't so bad that we're vacating his last championship title. So, maybe there are worse fates than the middle of the pack.
Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2001.03 pts (9th place)Actual Points: 2153.62 pts (5th place)
NFL Equivalent: Chicago Bears
Analysis: This is Joel's highest finish ever in the league (I'm pretty sure, but I'm not going back to double check), so fifth place is a bit of a victory for him. I picked him to finish worse solely based on taking WR Calvin Johnson with his first-round pick, but that and most of the rest of his choices turned out pretty well. What killed his title chances? QB Eli Manning, of course. Even when he didn't start that dope, his suckiness pervaded the team. I hate that guy so much...
Baby's First Team (Heidi)
Projected Points: 1999.29 pts (10th place)Actual Points: 2200.97 (4th place)
NFL Equivalent: Seattle Seahawks
Analysis: Very quietly, Heidi put together an impressive campaign this year, slowly rising up the standings to steal a top-four finish. We all know it was steroid-related, of course, but because of the Olympics and the Lance Armstrong case, we simply didn't have the manpower available this year to drug test her regularly. We'll try and get that corrected for next year. In the meantime, we'll put an asterisk next to her finish, just in case.
The Bob-Dammits (Bobert)
Projected Points: 1788.93 pts (12th place)Actual Points: 2999.09 pts (3rd place)
NFL Equivalent: Dallas Cowboys
Analysis: Everybody was rooting for the groom-to-be to pull out the title this year, but Bob's fate was sealed on draft day when he ended up with Tony Romo. When it came down to the final weeks of the season, with the trophy on the line, Bob's team faltered like Tony Romo in the fourth-quarter of a December game. Unlike the Cowboys, however, Bob will learn from his mistakes, and remember not to rely on those same losers next season. Also, Bob has a soul.
Kickers rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 1864.55 pts (11th place)Actual Points: 2314.19 pts (2nd place)
NFL Equivalent: Maryland Racial Slurs
Analysis: Sam used rookie sensation Robert Griffin III to mount his own worst-to-first story this season, topping the standings for much of the year and threatening to win his first Awesome Cup championship despite not watching any football at all this year. Seriously, Sam has no idea what is going on in the NFL right now. If you told him the Saints were favored to win the Super Bowl, he would believe you. And he finished second. What are you people doing out there?
T-Old and T-Over (Capt. Awesome)
Projected Points: 2321.21 pts (3rd place)Actual Points: 2384.55 pts (1st place)
NFL Equivalent: New England Patriots
Analysis: Yes, my friends, miracles can happen. When you organize the league, run the league, and provide in-depth weekly analysis recaps for the league, sometimes you can overcome the odds and win the league too. This latest victory makes me the first three-time champion in league history, and gives me three titles and two second-place finishes in the last decade (much like a certain insufferable Boston-area football team). But, unlike Tom Brady, I'm beloved by friends and colleagues, and don't need fame and fortune to make me happy.
But, if you must, feel free to bow down and admit defeat at the sight of the latest inscription on the Awesome Cup:
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