2012 fantasy recap -- week 4

** Brian Dawkins is the only man in NFL history to record more than 35 interceptions and more than 20 sacks in his career. Four other players have also recorded those stats, but none of them are men when compared to Brian Dawkins.

** Brian Dawkins middle name is Patrick. His other middle name is Pain.

** Brian Dawkins once collected a sack, an interception, a fumble recovery and a touchdown in the same game. Later that day, he saved seven orphans from a burning building and killed a bear with his bear hands. No, that's not a misspelling. He has the hands of a bear.

** After Brian Dawkins had his number retired on Sunday night, he wasn't allowed to play for the Eagles defense any longer. So he blocked two game-winning field goal attempts by the Giants at the end of regulation with his mind instead of his body. Everyone saw it.

** Brian Dawkins will be eligible for the NFL Hall of Fame in 2017. He will be unanimously elected to the hall in 2015. He humbly accepted the honor last week.

QB: Tom Brady, 38.00 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Brian Harline, 35.37 pts -- on Jim's bench
RB: Willis McGahee, 24.73 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Scott Chandler, 20.13 pts -- on the wire
K: Greg Zuerlein, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: San Francisco, 36.00 pts -- started by Sam
D: Lance Briggs, 13.50 pts -- on the wire.

For the record, the top five scoring kickers were all on the waiver wire. So, whoever you decided to start, there were at least five better choices you could have made. Shame on you.

Also, 46 of the top 54 defensive players were also on the waiver wire this week. So, whoever you decided to start ... just do better next week, m'kay?

"Everybody sucks" players edition
3rd place: Buffalo, -1.00 pts -- on Jeff's bench
2nd place: Graham Harrell, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Oakland, -4.00 pts -- on my bench

Special thanks to Cowboys QB Tony Romo and Chiefs QB Matt Cassel for their inept play this week -- Romo's five INTs and Cassel's three picks put them both ahead of Eagles QB Mike Vick in the turnover race. Both of them now have a whopping 10 giveaways in just four games, making Vick's nine turnovers so far look almost respectable.

** Your team has held a fourth-quarter lead in its last two games, plays into overtime but gets possession of the ball in both games ... and your team still loses. (That happened to the Miami Dolphins.)

** Your QB threw for 446 yards and set a new all-time NFL record for games with a TD pass ... and your team still loses. (That happened to the New Orleans Saints.)

** Your top wideout catches 17 passes for 317 yards and two TDs ... and your team still loses. (That happened to the Baylor Bears.)

** Your team piles up five turnovers and a missed extra point in the first half, but manages to keep it close until the final quarter ... and your team still loses. (That happened to the Kansas City Chiefs).

** Your team plays in Cleveland ... and always loses. (That happened to the Cleveland Browns.)

Actually, it was the stupidest thing I saw this week. And it was Eli Manning's sad face when the Giants missed that last-minute field goal.

Wait, did I say "stupidest" thing? I meant "the greatest thing I saw this week."

This season was the worst one Phillies fans have endured in the last decade.

Coming off five straight NL East titles, the team barely reached .500 this season. Ryan Howard played in fewer than 75 games. Chase Utley and Placido Polanco played in fewer than 95. Roy Halladay missed a month and played hurt the rest of the year. Cliff Lee had a historic run of bad luck. The bullpen featured 13 different pitchers with ERAs over 4.00.

It sucked.

But, let's not be greedy, irrational Boston fans. Five division titles in a row is pretty stinking special. They were overdue for a rash of injuries. And even with this season's misery, the team played .600 baseball after the All-Star break -- the only time most of the team was back healthy. If they played that well in the first half, they would have won 97 games. If they had just split their season series with the Braves 9-9 (instead of 6-12) Philly would still be in the wild card race ... during their worst season in a decade.

So, call it like it is. The Phils had a bad season. It sucks to see other teams win. That doesn't mean the Phillies' window has closed yet. And it doesn't take away that very shiny 2008 World Series trophy.


When the Cowboys signed LB Orie Lemon just after the draft, my first thought was "that's the worst football name since Lee Flowers." But my next thought was that he was probably a disturbed individual. And I was right:

** Cowboys Linebacker Orie Lemon
I be sicko clown, a reel moron. Bye!

A stretch, I know. But, c'mon -- dude's name is "Orie Lemon." It's like he already tried to anagram a better name for himself. He probably used to introduce himself as "Me Leon Rio" and just slowly shifted the letters around.

Week 4 standings

Finally, Bob's Tony Romo-led squad had an off week and we can all relax a little becau HOLY CRAP SAM IS IN FIRST PLACE.

Also, there isn't a Doyle in the top half of the standings at all, thanks to Heidi's drop from the top tier this week.
  ** Dad and I split this week's picks, leaving him still five games up. For the season, Dad is 40-23 picking games. For the season, Mike Ditka is 34-29. Clearly, Dad has a better football mind than Mike Ditka.

** I'm at peace with the Phillies season. Really. But the Natinals averaged 14,000 fewer fans at their home games this year than the Phils, and drew 100,000 fewer fans on the season than the apathetic Atlanta Braves crowd. So stop trying to sell me the "DC fans deserve to see a good team" nonsense. When you can only fill 85 percent of the stadium when your team clinches the NL East title for the first time ever (Montreal records don't count), you don't deserve the post-season.

** Thursday Night Football this week features the Arizona Cardinals vs the St. Louis Rams. Why? Because the NFL hates you, that's why.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 3

Why the replacement refs are the best thing ever to happen to the NFL:

1 -- When the "real" referees come back, there will be zero tolerance for the kind of idiotic calls and lengthy play stoppages we're seeing now. Every time one happens, the entire country will shout out "I thought we got rid of the incompetent ones." It will shame the regular refs into doing their job better than ever before.

2 -- The replacement refs did what the NFL could never do: Make a dreadfully dull 14-12 Monday Night Football game into something worth talking about for weeks.

3 -- The NFL is a $9 billion industry and they're fighting with the refs union over $5 million in compensation. This proves once and for all just how greedy the teams owners are. That's like paying for a $100 dinner and refusing to tip your server a nickle.

4 -- The botched call in Seattle's win screwed over Packers fans, the fourth-most insufferable fan base in the NFL (behind the Cowboys, Giants and Steelers fans, in order).

5 -- ESPN was coming dangerously close to devoting some of its airtime to covering the impending baseball playoffs, but the manufactured horror over the replacement refs' blown calls ended that quickly. There is a good chance that Chris Berman's head will actually explode after the next blown call.

6 -- The poor officiating has led to longer games, which in turn means football is on TV for longer. That's always a good thing, right?

7 -- I don't care what your opinion on labor negotiations is. Watching grown men forget how to add penalty yards together while 300 pound linemen fume is always hilarious.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 40.16 pts -- started by Joel
WR: AJ Green, 28.30 pts -- started by Jim
RB: Jamaal Charles, 38.97 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Heath Miller, 24.00 pts -- started by Sam
K: Ryan Succop, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 27.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Justin Houston, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Everyone of the top performers this week came from the AFC, except for the Arizona defense. You can blame that on Mike Vick too.

"Skill" players edition
3rd place: Joe Adams, -1.90 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jordan Shipley, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
1st place: LaRod Stephens-Howling, -1.16 pts -- on the wire

And speaking of failures, congratulations to the Saints and the Browns, who have already been eliminated from playoff contention. Since 1990, only three of 107 teams to start the season with three straight losses have made the postseason. On the plus side, fans from both cities can start looking ahead to NBA season and their championship-caliber basketball teams.

** The Eagles are on pace for 64 turnovers this season (12 so far). The record for the most turnovers by a team in a season is 63, by the 1978 San Francisco 49ers.

** The Eagles are on pace for a -32 turnover differential this season (-6 so far). The record for the worst differential is -30, by the 1965 Pittsburgh Steelers.

** The Eagles are on pace for 32 lost fumbles this season (6 so far). The record for the most fumbles lost is 36, by the 1959 Chicago Cardinals.

** Eagles QB Mike Vick is on pace for 48 turnovers this season (6 INTs, 3 fumbles lost). The record for individual turnovers in a season is 44, by Houston Oilers QB/K George Blanda in 1962.

For the record, the Eagles are 2-1 and have a -19 point differential. The Saints are 0-3 and have a -19 point differential. So, this could be much worse.

On Friday, the Washington Post ran the front-page headline: "Smile, Washington: After 79 years, you're in the playoffs." On Sunday, they wrote that Natinals pitcher Gio Gonzalez became the franchise's first 20-game winner since 1978.

Look, I love using my imagination as much as the next guy, but the local folks seem to think their long dreadful baseball past rivals that of real sports cities. The team has been in DC for seven years. That's it. You don't get to claim records before then, and you don't get to claim pain and suffering for years when there was no team. Everyone in DC was an Orioles fan before 2005 anyway.

If the DC fans down here (all seven of them) get to start complaining about a lack of wins when they didn't have anyone to root for, then Baltimore gets to whine about their lack of Stanley Cup and NBA championships.

Three NFL games went into overtime this weekend, and at least two others almost ended up going past the fourth quarter. As a public service to all of you who don't remember all the changes in the overtime rules (and for Donovan McNabb, who never knew the old ones), here's a quick review.

** Overtime is not sudden death anymore ... unless you score an offensive TD, a defensive TD, a special teams TD, or a safety. If you get one of those, the game ends immediately.

** You can't win overtime on a field goal on your first possession anymore ... unless the other team already missed a field goal, or they fumbled, or they threw an interception, or if they punted. Then you can win on your first possession. But it's not sudden death.

** If a team has a field goal blocked on its opening possession, but the ball doesn't go past the line of scrimmage, and the kicking team picks up the blocked ball and runs for a first down, then later kicks a field goal, the other team still gets a chance to score before the game is over. But if a team has a field goal blocked on its opening possession, and the ball does go past the line of scrimmage, but the blocking team touches it and the kicking team recovers the loose ball and runs for a first down, and then later kicks a field goal, then the blocking team doesn't get a chance and the game is over. Simple!

** There are no ties anymore -- games continue until a winner is decided. That means the last tie game in NFL history was in November 2008, when the Bengals played to a 13-13 draw against the Philadelphia ... ah, crap, McNabb still thinks they have another quarter to play in that game.

When I saw that Fullback Lawrence Vickers had signed with the Cowboys this offseason, I thought it was a perfect fit. because I knew this guy was evil. And it's not just my superior insight. Everyone has known for a while this guys was evil. His opponents knew it. His teammates knew it. The coaches and refs knew it. Hell, even the replacement refs know it. Just look at what his name clearly spells out:

** Dallas Cowboys new FB Lawrence Blanchard Vickers
Scab clown refs cry "Knew he was evil -- a drab, banal clod"

For the love of Pete Phios, these replacement refs don't even know how to count to four downs. And despite their diminished mental faculties, those simpletons can see the blackness in the Cowboys' roster's soul. And yet the local authorities won't arrest them for crimes against humanity. This country has lost its moral center.

Week 3 standings

Bob Dammit, how is he still in first place? Again, no offense to our resident professor, but if a team quarterbacked by Tony Romo is in first place, the whole league is a sham. You might as well hire incompetent scab refs and just let them decide games however they want.
  ** Finally, I managed to pick a few games right against Dad. I went 3-2 against him this weekend, trimming his yearly lead down to 5. I would have done better if I didn't pick the Eagles to win in Arizona. I won't be putting that kind of faith in that team again anytime soon.

** Remember all those passing stats I posted last week? On Saturday, Old Dominion quarterback Taylor Heinicke threw for 730 yards and five TDs in his team's 64-61 win over New Hampshire. It's more impressive than the 736-yard performance I noted earlier, because that was a Division II game, and Heinicke plays in what sane people still call I-AA. He's averaging over 480 yards a game this season.

** Eagles lost this weekend. Phillies dropped games on Saturday and Sunday. Temple football lost. Penn football lost. Authorities believe they've found an 87-year-old Nazi war criminal hiding in Philadelphia. Not a good weekend for the city.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 2

EA Sports announced Sunday that more than 81.5 million “Madden 2013” games had been played online in the first two weeks of the NFL season, and the two most popular teams online have been the San Francisco 49ers and the Philadelphia Eagles. Here’s a look at the new tweaks the company has installed to make the gameplay more realistic for online Philly fans:

** All Eagles running plays are disabled for a random quarter.
** If WR DeSean Jackson goes over 100 yards, he immediately benches himself until his contract is renegotiated.
** At the 8:53 mark of every third quarter, the Eagles take an unexpected defensive timeout and then incorrectly challenge the next play.
** Every time RB LeSean McCoy gets tackled, QB Mike Vick somehow gets injured instead.
** Whenever the Eagles score, the in-game announcers complain that Philly fans once booed Santa Claus.
** No matter how badly gamers play, the Eagles somehow pull out a last-minute touchdown to save the win.

QB: Robert Griffin III, 32.44 pts -- started by Sam
WR: Danny Amendola, 30.25 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Reggie Bush, 33.87 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Dante Rosario, 25.70 pts -- on the wire
K: Stephen Gotkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: (tie) Green Bay, 21.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: (tie) Seattle, 21.00 pts -- sitting on my bench
D: Charles Godfrey, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Yes, even though Giants QB Eli Manning threw for 510 yards on Sunday, the rookie Maryland QB beat him out in fantasy stats by 0.24 pts. Of course, Eli got the win, and all Griffin got was to watch on the sidelines while his kicker missed what would have been a game-tying 62-yard field goal.

”Getting defensive” edition
3rd place: Chad Henne, -1.08 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Oakland, -5.00 pts -- started by me
1st place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

Congrats to KC, for posting the worst possible score for a defense just two weeks into the season. The Chiefs D recorded no sacks, no turnovers, no return TDs, and allowed 35 points. So far this year, they've allowed 75 points and been worth -11 pts on the fantasy charts.

Also, congrats to me for my sage fantasy decisions this week. I benched the Seattle defense (up there on the top performers chart) to start the Oakland defense (down there on the worst performers chart) and cost myself 26 pts in a single move. That's the difference between seventh and second place.

Now that the NHL lockout is official, it’s time to start making plans for your fall TV viewing if hockey doesn’t come back for months. Here are a few suggestions:

** Watch football.
** Watch football.
** Watch college football.
** Watch football (Who watches NHL before January?)
** Watch football.
** Watch the MLB playoffs (if the Phillies sneak in).
** Watch football.

Remember, no matter how desperate the situation is, do not watch any professional basketball.

Following Stanford’s shocking upset of the completely overrated USC Trojans, Fox commentator Erin Andrews said that “no one is going to be going to class tomorrow” at the Stanford campus.

And she was absolutely right … since the game was played on Saturday, and most colleges don’t generally hold class on Sundays.

Stats from this weekend that I can’t replicate in video games

** Florida State RB Chris Thompson rushed for 197 yards and two TDs -- on nine carries -- in his team’s 52-0 win on Saturday. That’s almost a 22 yard per carry average.
** Beaverton Aloha High School RB Thomas Tyner (of Oregon) made national headlines by rushing for 624 yards and 10 TDs in his team’s 84-63 victory this week. But it took him 38 carries to amass those stats. Lazy high school kids.
** TCU QB Casey Pachall passed for 335 yard and 2 TDs in his team's 20-6 win on Saturday. So far this year he's thrown five TDs and only six incompletions (33 of 39).
** The Saints have begun this season 0-2. I’m pretty sure no matter the difficulty level I put a video game on, I wouldn’t be able to start that poorly with a roster that loaded.

Every week I try to pick a different Cowboys player name for this anagram. But when Dallas drafted DE Tyrone Crawford earlier this year, I realized I could anagram his name alone every week.

** Tyrone Crawford **
Corny Afterword
Entry for coward
Torn, rowdy farce
Crony toward ref
No DE Craft. Worry

And those are just the ones that speak to what a failure his career will be. I left “frowny carrot DE” off the list because it didn’t make a lot of sense. That is, unless we find out he has a vitamin C deficiency on top of his other problems.

Week 2 standings

Rough week for ChampMike -- his became the first team not to break 100 pts this season, posting a remarkably low 62.34 thanks to miserable performances by Larry Fitzgerald, Ahmad Bradshaw and Greg Olsen (under 5 pts combined).

Meanwhile, the other half of the Doyle household jumped from fourth to first place. We're testing her for performance enhancing drugs again.

  ** We’re only two weeks into the season and I’m already six games down on my father in pur weekly picks. I haven’t won a single contest we’ve picked differently. At this point, I’m on pace to lose by 51 games. Ugh.

** In a pregame interview on CBS Sunday, Vick said “I’m not going to go out there and throw four picks every week. That’s crazy. I’d bench myself if I did that.” And he only threw two on Sunday. So … progress?

** If you think these recaps are terrible,  you should see the automated Yahoo recaps for head-to-head leagues. Pure hilarity.

** The Eagles are in first place in the NFC East for the first time since December 2010. Just FYI.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 1

ESPN announced Friday that they had extended the contract of commentator Chris Berman for several more years, keeping him with the network through 2018. Berman joined ESPN one month after the network launched in 1979, and during his 33-year tenure has nearly single-handedly destroyed everything enjoyable about the NFL.

He’s the channel’s main on-air personality for Monday morning NFL highlights, a job which consists of him grunting unintelligibly and trying to rhyme words with the names of players. On Friday’s he hosts ESPN’s two-minute drill, a seven-minute segment that last week included a tribute to Neil Armstrong but ran too long to offer any 2012 season predictions.

In recent years, Berman has also worked diligently to ruin the MLB home run derby, screeching “backbackback GONE” for every fly ball lofted into the outfield. During the off-season, he screams at orphans until they cry. On Monday night, Berman took his first turn announcing a live football contest, offering color commentary for the second ESPN night game. I didn’t actually watch his work, but I know when he took to the mike because the dogs in the neighborhood started howling.

Chris Berman is terrible, and his contract renewal should be all the proof you need that ESPN hates you and wants your brain to die.
    QB: Matt Ryan, 38.46 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Kevin Ogletree, 27.60 pts -- on the wire
RB: Kevin Smith, 25.13 pts -- on Jim’s bench
TE: Jimmy Graham, 17.96 pts -- started by Ant
K: Nate Kaeding, 18.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Cleveland, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Tracey Porter, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

We as a league only managed to start three of the top performers this week. Looks like some of you didn’t take the preseason that seriously.
     ”Getting defensive” edition
3rd place: Cincinnati, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Buffalo, -4.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
1st place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Combined, those three teams allowed 120 points and managed only one turnover on Sunday. The next worst player was Browns QB Brandon Weeden, who went head-to-head with Eagles QB Mike Vick in a “worst QB” contest. His 4 INTs and zero TDS beat out Vick’s 4 INTs and 2 TDs, but just barely.

** Last Wednesday night’s opening game drew an audience of nearly 20 million people for NBC, but the seven networks covering the Democratic National Convention drew an audience of almost 25 million for President Bill Clinton's speech. This proves once again that more people would rather watch an old man complain about tax policies than watch Eli Manning and Tony Romo play.

 ** The first televised football game hit the airwaves 73 years ago next month. The game featured the Philadelphia Eagles losing to the Brooklyn Dodgers, 24-13. Since then, the Eagles, the NFL’s defunct Dodgers team, and the Brooklyn-turned-LA Dodgers of the MLB have all won the same number of Super Bowls.

 ** The NFL RedZone channel is offering prizes for anyone who sees them displaying four games at once, takes a picture and tweets it out with the hashtag #QUADBOXSIGHTING. The prize is a $100 gift card, which will not cover the cost of treating your attention deficit disorder.
    The stupidest thing I heard this week was when ESPN announced Friday that they had extended the contract of commentator Chris Berman for several more years, keeping him with the network through 2018.

49ers Kicker David Akers -- who already holds the record for most points scored in a season (166), the most post-season field goals (19) and the most points in a single decade (1,169) -- booted a 63-yard three-pointer on Sunday afternoon to tie the record for the longest field goal in NFL history.

It’s a shame he was too washed up to play football anymore when the Eagles decided not to resign him two years ago.
    Every year I hope that a fresh season will bring new inner peace to the Cowboys organization, and that maybe the changing of the calendar can transform their past transgressions.

And every year I’m rudely slapped awake by their evil, evil souls. I present to you their top draft pick for 2012:

** Dallas rookie cornerback Morris Claiborne
** I’m a sick loner, a CB error, a born killer. Sad coo. 

These things get easier to write every year.
    Week 1 standings

After one week, I think we can safely declare Bob the winner for the year and move on with our lives. That three-point lead just looks too insurmountable.

On the plus side, everyone broke 100 points this week, which is unusual. How unusual? I'm not really sure. Seems unusual, though.

** Eureka College QB Sam Durley (who plays in the NCAA’s Division III) threw for 736 yards in his team’s opening weekend win, but only 228 yards in his second-week loss this Saturday. I don’t have a joke here. I want to know how you can feel bittersweet when you pass for more than 950 yards in two games but only have a 1-1 record to show for it.

 ** We're one week into the season, and I'm already 0-2 in my other fantasy leagues and dropped four games to my father in the weekly picks. I'm like the Eagles, only without the last-minute win.

** There's a Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you too. NBC has the game, but I blame ESPN.

** The Phillies are playing .620 baseball since the All-Star break. Just saying...

2012 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

The teams are drafted and the season starts tomorrow night. But why wait four months to find out who will get fantasy bragging rights for the year? Here's my infallible early take on how the Awesome Cup standings will shake out by January.

12 -- The Bob-Dammits (Bobert)
Projected Points: 1788.93
Analysis: I don't really think Bob's team will be this bad, but I'm rooting for him to fail. No offense to our resident professor, but who can root for a team with Cowboys Tony Romo, DeMarco Murray and Miles Austin? Also, Bob's team name anagrams to "I stabbed Mom, h/t." I don't know what's worse: knifing mom, or asking for a hat tip afterwards. Either way, I'm not supporting him.

11 -- kickers rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 1864.55
Analysis: Sam's team consists of the only Maryland Racial Slurs player you've heard of (Robert Griffin III) and all of the Patriots whose names you don't remember (K Stephen Gotkowski, RB Stevan Ridley, WR Wes Welker.) He also has a Lardarius, a Leodis and an Alshon. $10 says Sam forgets his own team name within three weeks.

10 -- Baby's First Team (Heidi)
Projected Points: 1999.29
Analysis: I hope Heidi held onto some of the steroids she was using during her last suspension, because she's going to need them for her aging team. QB Phillip Rivers, WR Steve Smith, K Sebastian Janikowski, WR Randy Moss were all great four years ago, but 2012 may not be so kind. And RB Chris Johnson went from 24 years old at the start of last year to 37 by the end of 2011. Get the Red Bull ready.

9 -- Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2001.03
Analysis: I never like drafting a wideout in the first round, so I'm guessing Joel's strategy of grabbing Madden cover athlete WR Calvin Johnson is going to backfire. On the plus side, he did grab QB Eli Manning late, which makes his team ripe for dopey jokes throughout the season. How many Eli's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: None, because screw Eli and his dopey face.

8 -- Romney's tax returns (Jim)
Projected Points: 2079.56
Analysis: Jim's team wins the preseason award for most spleen injuries (solely thanks to TE Jason Witten) but not much else. QB Cam Newton and WR AJ Green are too young, RB's Michael Turner and Jonathan Stewart are too old, and somehow Jim drafted Kevin Smith the filmmaker instead of Kevin Smith the running back. It's gonna be a long year.

7 -- I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2106.41
Analysis: Only six wideouts, Paul? How much do you really love them? True, RB Ray Rice and TE Antonio Gates each had 60-plus catches last year, which also could put them in the WR category, but I expected more outside speed from this team. On the plus side, after finishing last in 2011, Paul  received Andrew Luck in this year's draft. Sam, who finished second to last, grabbed RG3. I did not rig that, I swear. I wish I had thought of it, though. I could have structured several jokes around that.

6 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2146.77
Analysis: Dad might have the highest scoring team in the league in October. Sadly, few on his team will be ready to play on opening day. RB Ryan Matthews, RB Maurice Jones-Drew, WR Kenny Britt, and RB Issac Redman all are expected to miss time early. When QB Peyton Manning is the healthiest big name on your team, that's a red flag.

5 -- Fool for Foles (Joanner)
Projected Points: 2147.77
Analysis: As punishment for her team name, the football gods put QB Mike Vick front and center on Joanna's team. I think it's great, because it finally gives her a reason to root for that loser. But she's so upset that not even scoring K David Akers can console her. Vick can be yours in a trade for a mediocre WR and a good Eli Manning joke (but she'll settle for a dated Brett Farve joke).

4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2200.08
Analysis: Jeff gets this spot based on RB LeSean McCoy alone, who proved last year he can make a dud of a team into an almost-contender. In 2011, his roster combined had 46 rushing TDs and 32 receiving TDs, the most of any team (note: I didn't actually check to see if that was the most). You can't deny that kind of statistical momentum.

3 -- T-Old and T-Over (Capt. Awesome)
Projected Points: 2321.21
Analysis: I grabbed Fred Jackson in the third round, DeSean Jackson in the fourth and Vincent Jackson in the sixth. Sadly, my plans to create a new Jackson Five were dashed when I missed out on Stephen Jackson  and Tavarias Jackson. I might as well change my change my name to Jermaine and Jermasjesty.

2 -- Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
Projected Points: 2486.41
Analysis: I undervalued Anthony last year, so to make up for it I'm overvaluing his team this year. Sure, he has QB Tom Brady, WR Mike Wallace and RB Darren Sproles, but the real key to his team is backup RB Jacquizz Rodgers. The T-shirt possibilities are endless. "Jacquizz Nation." "Getting Jacquizzy with it." "You just got Jacquizzed." It already sounds like victory to me.

1 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2501.33
Analysis: ChampMike once again shows how it's done, grabbing the best name in the league and the best draft of the group. He's got the top QB (Aaron Rodgers), three solid RBs, two good TEs and enough wideouts to make even Andy Reid happy. Could we have a three-time Awesome Cup champion? Sure, anything can happen. Hell, Eli has two Super Bowl rings. Hell must have frozen over years ago without any of us noticing.

Thanks for playing, kids. Games start tomorrow night, so get those rosters in order.

2012 fantasy football -- draft order

Welcome to Fantasy Football 2012, and the fight to claim the 11th annual Awesome Cup championship. It has been a busy offseason -- The Saints got busted for illegal player bounties, Peyton Manning moved from one horse team to another, Heidi finally passed a drug test and got reinstated by the league. But it's time to put all that behind us and concentrate on what's important: judging total strangers' worth by random point totals assigned to their statistics.

This year, we've got celebrity guests helping finalize the draft order (per our long-standing draft order rules), so onto the sacred Eagles skull cap we go to pull out the first name ...

#12 -- Heidi
Fresh off her drug suspension from last year (and the second of her career), Heidi picks from the back. Alex Rodriguez, here to represent both Heidi's sports success and her controversial, tainted athletic career, shrugs his shoulders and promptly injures them.

#11 -- Ant
Last year's Awesome Cup champion pulls the second worst draft position this year. His proxy, LaDanian Tomlinson, predicts that Anthony will use the pick to draft him, even though Tomlinson retired earlier this year.

#10 -- Joanner
Taking the DeSean Jackson draft spot (get it? #10) is Joanner, represented at the draft by that Olympic gymnast who made the funny face on the podium. You know, the one all over the internet? Pretty sure her name is Mary Lou Retton. In response, she tumbles gracefully out of the room.

#9 -- Dad
Tough break for Dad, who ends up with a low draft slot despite his poor showing last year. Luckily, he can draw inspiration from his draft proxy, Dan Marino, the greatest quarterback of all-time. Marino rushes over to celebrate the news, but stops suddenly since he never rushed anywhere in his career.

#8 -- Capt. Awesome
To inspire my yet to be drafted team, I called in Hall of Fame safety Brian Dawkins to be my draft representative. Upon drawing the #8 pick, Dawk slams his hands to the ground, screams, then levels Alex Rodriguez with a vicious tackle. Everyone applauds.

#7 -- Champ Mike
Mike always drafts from the middle, so it's no surprise his stand-in is former Sixers center/power forward Elton Brand. Once someone points out that he hasn't actually retired, and now plays for the Dallas Mavericks, he politely excuses himself and flees.

#6 -- Sam
Sam slides down in the draft order three spots, picking in the middle despite finishing at the bottom last season. But that's OK -- it gives him and his draft proxy, former Steelers coach Bill Cower, something else to whine about. Cower also objects to being called for intentional grounding, then cries, then leaves.

#5 -- Joel
Joel hasn't had a lot of luck in the regular season, but he scores a coup by getting Brutus Buckeye to travel across state lines to help out with his pre-draft work. Upon being told that he's not really an athlete, Brutus slams his hands to the ground, screams, then levels Alex Rodriguez with a vicious tackle. Everyone applauds.

#4 -- Jim
Nice break for Jim in the draft order. You'd think his team would be happy, but instead Jim's representative injured RB Rashad Mendenhall launches into a rant about how the whole fantasy league is a conspiracy, how Sept. 11 was an inside job, and how President Romney will fix everything. Bad attitude for that team.

#3 -- Jeff
The Ohio portion of our program concludes with Jeff snagging the Mike Kafka spot (Get it? #3. Get it?) in the picks. Jerry Rice stopped by to stand in for Jeff, but he stormed out of the room before the pick came, complaining that no one was throwing him the ball anymore.

#2 -- Paul
So close, and yet so far for Paul, who will end up with Eagles RB Shady McCoy with his first pick and the season-long curse of having to watch the Eagles. His proxy, Carlos Ruiz, not the Phillie but the former Philadelphia Union player, appears confused as to this whole "American football" concept and gives only a half-hearted celebration.

#1 -- Bobert
It's a great year for Bob -- first he gets engaged, then a Dr. Who movie is rumored to film, then other stuff, and now this triumph. Bob's proxy, noted golfer Bob Barker, celebrates by taunting the crowd and punching me in the face. I hate that Bob Barker.

That's it, kids. The draft will take place sometime on Saturday, so get your pre-draft rankings finalized by then (and update your team names, for the love of Pete Phios. There are a lot of stale names on there). Good luck to everyone except Anthony.

Worst Eagles-themed fantasy football team names for 2012

** Obama/Babin 2012
** Call me Shady
** Foles' Errand
** Iron Mike Vick
** Schmitt Happened
** Kafka's Metamorphosis
** Asomugha and Atogwe
** My DE Vinny
** Philadelphia Eagles, 2012 Super Bowl Champions

Work in progress

Fantasy football season is looming soon...

Worst items in the 2012 Eagles catalog

1 -- New Era Zubaz cap, $24.99

Guaranteed to cause you seizures even before the Eagles make a stupid third-and-short call.

2 -- Draft Me Women's Jersey Top, $59.99

Funny, I don't remember the draft picks having to wear pink jerseys.

3 -- Snuggle Bear, $16.99

Really? It can't just be an eagle? It has to be a bear with an eagle embroidered on it?

4 -- Nike Tri Blend Tank Top, $29.99

What better gift is there than a shirt that says "The Eagles logo barfed all over me"

5 -- Yoga Mat, $24.99

It's the wrong color, has flowers on it, and has nothing to do with a football activity. But if you ignore that, it embodies everything the Eagles stand for.

Former Phils you'd still root for

For video game purposes, here's the ideal roster of the Philadelphia FormerPhillies, based on active players at the start of the season:

1B -- Jim Thome (Orioles)
2B -- Wilson Valdez (Reds)
SS -- Juan Castro (Dodgers)
3B -- Greg Dobbs (Marlins)
OF -- Jason Werth (Nationals)
OF -- Shane Victorino (Dodgers)
OF -- Raul Ibanez (Yankees)
C -- Rod Barajas (Pirates)

SP -- Brett Myers (White Sox)
SP -- J.A. Happ (Blue Jays)
SP -- Roy Oswalt (Cardinals)
SP -- Randy Wolf (Brewers)
SP -- Jamie Moyer (Rockies)

RP -- Brad Lidge (Nationals)

I'll let you fill out the rest of the bullpen yourself.

10 sports that should be in the Olympics

** 100m Platform Diving
** Full-contact Backgammon
** Synchronized Archery
** Alligator Wrestling
** Marco Polo
** Post-Modern Pentathlon
** 1m Sprint
** Keg Toss
** Mental gymnastics
** Baseball

Phillies tenure chart

With an eye toward the trade deadline, here's a look at how long Phillies on the current roster have been with the team (click to enlarge):

It wasn't that long ago, but only eight players remain on the roster from the 2008 World Series Champions team. And two of those are on the trade block right now. And one of them is Joe Blanton, against all odds.

Phillies midseason grades

An objective look at the first half performance for the team.

1st Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
2nd Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
3rd Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Shortstop ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Catcher ~ Grade: A
Analysis: Holy crap, Ruiz is amazing.
Outfield ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Starting pitching ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Relief pitching ~ Grade: Double F
Analysis: 14 STINKING GAMES OUT OF FIRST
Bench  ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Coaching  ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Quarterbacks ~ Grade: F
Analysis: I'm sure this is Vick's fault somehow

Final analysis ~ Grade: D minus minus
If it weren't for Ruiz, we'd have to trade in the "Ph" on your uniforms for an "F"

Phillies All-Star credentials

Current Phillies who have made the All Star team (year in parentheses, click to enlarge):

That's 35 All-Star selections on the Phils' roster right now. Incidentally, that's one fewer than the number of wins they have through the first half of this season (36-45). 

A tribute to Charlie Manuel

Last Saturday, Charlie Manuel recorded his 900th win as a major league manager, putting him on pace to hit the coveted 1,000-win mark sometime next summer (hopefully). Here’s a look at how his managerial career stacks up in Phillies history:

-- 681 wins (most in team history)
-- Seven straight winning seasons (2nd in team history)
-- 102 wins in 2011 (most in team history)
-- Five playoff appearances (most in team history)
-- 27 post-season wins (most in team history)
-- Twice 2nd-place manager of the year (most in team history)
-- Two NL pennants (2nd in team history)
-- 1 World Series title (Tied -- most in team history)
-- 1 year having to put up with Chad Qualls (most in team history)

This season sucks so far, but it's worth a moment to thank Charlie for the great work over the last seven seasons. Best manager in team history, without question.

Now do something about Qualls already.

June so far for the Phils

The red line is the # of games above .500, the blue is the games out of first.



Ouch.

Why I’m rooting for Miami tonight

I know, I know, even typing those words out made me throw up in my mouth a little. And I know every other sports fan in America will attack me for taking this stance. But the fact is that rooting for Miami to win tonight isn’t just the right choice, it’s the only choice for a real sports fan. Consider the following:

1 -- They’re a team of fighters.

This Miami squad had to overcome serious injuries in recent weeks, but now appears to be at the top of their game. All the pundits had declared them dead, and now they’re being forced to eat their words.

2 -- They have better players

Yes, Miami got all the high-profile free agents, but there's a reason they paid for those guys. They're good. They deserve to be hailed as all-pros.

3 -- Their opponent is overrated and undeserving

Suddenly everyone in the media loves the other guys again, but I'm not buying it. Just because they're different doesn't mean they're actually the better team.

So that’s why I’ll be rooting wholeheartedly for the Miami to sweep the series when the Marlins take on the Boston Red Sox, starting tonight.

Oh, you thought I meant the Heat? Gawd no. I hope those asshats choke like dogs again this Finals.

Guess who's almost back?

Three for four with a homerun in his rehab start Monday.
I'm just saying.