2009 Fantasy recap, week #1

Now with new and improved graphics!

*** QB Drew Brees is on pace to throw for 5,728 yards and 96 touchdowns (358 yards and 6 TDs on Sunday). That’s 644 more yards and 46 more TDs than the current NFL records.

*** WR Randy Moss is on pace to have 192 catches and 2,256 yards (12 catches for 141 yards on Monday). That’s 49 more catches and 408 more yards than the current NFL records. But, he’s not on pace to catch a single TD all year.

*** S Brian Dawkins is on pace to record 112 solo tackles and 64 more tackle assists this year (7 solo tackles and four assists on Sunday). That would set a new NFL record for pain.

*** The St. Louis Rams are on pace not to score a single point this year (They were shut out by Seattle on Sunday). That would be 37 points less than the current NFL low for team scoring in a year, set by Cincinnati in 1937.

*** QB Donovan McNabb is on pace to break 16 ribs this season. Not to worry – the human body contains 24 ribs, so if they go to the Super Bowl he’ll still have a few left over in February.

QB: Drew Brees, 48.32 pts – started by Jo
RB: Adrian Peterson, 38.20 pts – started by Neal
WR: Reggie Wayne, 27.30 pts – started by Jeff
TE: John Carlson, 24.33 pts – started by Dad
K: Neil Rackers, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Philly, 37.00 pts – started by Dad
D: Osi Umenyiora, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire

I'm in three different fantasy leagues this year, which I'll admit is one too many. However, as if I'm not getting kicked around enough by you people, I played against Wayne plus the Philly D in one league and Brees plus Rackers in the other.

Needless to say, I already hate everyone.

3rd place: Kevin Kolb, -0.68 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Anthony Fasano, -1.33 pts – started by new Mike
1st place: Jake Delhomme, -5.68 pts – sitting on my bench

I love messy, messy QB days, because it lets me pull out the old tried and true Reverse QB Rating machine.

If you assume Delhomme was playing so the Panthers would win, then he did terrible: five turnovers vs. only 7 completed passes for 73 yards, and a miserable 14.7 QB rating on the day.

But, if you assume that Delhomme was actually playing for the Eagles, then it’s a little brighter. If you include that fumbled TD, Delhomme went 4 for 17 throwing to the Eagles for 47 yards, one TD and seven interceptions, for a Reverse QB Rating of 19.6.

Either way, his performance was so bad it’s still sits below Kolb’s lifetime QB rating of 25.0, in eight appearances with The Birds. But I’m sure Kolb will be fine on Sunday.

During Toledo’s big win over Colorado University last Friday (a better question is "why weren't you watching?") one of the sideline reporters remarked that the Colorado team looked sluggish and slow, possibly because of their short week of practice. Play-by-play guy Ron Franklin was impressed with that analysis:

“Your accuracy is right on. They do look slow.”

You know, I actually paused for a minute when I heard that, thinking back to my accuracy-vs-precision lecture in sophomore year chemistry. Can you have inaccurate accuracy? After a moment, my brain shut down, and the next thing I knew I was standing in the middle of the street without any pants on.

It’s the first week of the season, so I can overlook a lot of mistakes. For example, I’m not even going to mention that both Heidi and Joel left 26 points on their bench. I don’t even think it’s worth pointing out that Jim left 28 points on his bench this week too.

But Neal took bad early season coaching to a new level, managing his team like Jim Tressel facing down a non-conference opponent. He left 21 more points on his bench and started four players who were inactive at kickoff.

Those are quality moves right there. Neal is like a fantasy football Michael Jordan, if Jordan just forgot to show up once the game started.

So now that the infamous T.O. is out of Dallas, who exactly are the wide receivers left behind? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a quick look at their pass catchers, with their anagram biographies:

*** Dallas’ Roy Williams
“I am a sad, silly WR. LOL.”
*** Dallas Cowboys WR Miles Austin
“I’m a cursed stain, lowly slob. Aw.”
*** Dallas wideout Patrick Crayton
“I is a rotten cad, a tacky pull. Word.”

Good looking group of leftovers right there.

Now with new and improved graphics! Click on the standings to see them bigger.

Big surprise there -- Despite six passing TDs for Jo's team and two top performers for Dad, Mike somehow ends up in first place again.

Meanwhile, Anthony finishes week 1 all the way in last, but the consolation prize there is his poor performance is largely due to T.O.'s terrible game on Monday. So at least that's great news.

*** I’m one game up on the weekly picks with Dad. This may be my first lead in our weekly battles since 2003.

*** I can’t say for sure, but I believe that Jimmy Rollins is the Eagles designated emergency QB for this upcoming weekend.

*** Don't know if you heard, but I wasn't the only one upset that Michael Vick gets to wear #7, Ron Jaworski's old jersey. Apparently Jaws complained about it to the Eagles brass, and they told him he'd have to give it up. His new number now? K-9.

Blame that one on my father-in-law -- he had me going for a few minutes with that.

By the way, apparently I'm psychic

I'm getting ready for the weekly fantasy recaps, going through last year's posts, when I came across this one last Sept. 16:

----------------------------------------------
BUY OR SELL
Stock: WR Mike Vick
Trader’s Rec: BUY. It’s only nine months until the Eagles sign him to a free agent contract. Trust me, buy into it early.
----------------------------------------------

No editing there, folks. In fact, I wish I was wrong about it. But if you want to know next week's lottery numbers, just give me a call.

A breakdown of the Phillies record

And why it's so frustrating to follow them this year, despite their seemingly commanding division lead over the last three months.

Fantasy football -- preseason rankings

Nobody picked up Mike Vick in last night’s draft, so we’ll have to do the preseason rankings the old fashioned way: complete guesswork. Here are the predictions:

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 13th place, 1700 pts
What will work: Well, he’s got nowhere to go but up after last year’s last-place finish. So fielding a team is a positive start.
What won’t work: RB Michael Turner carried the ball 15,000 times last year and will get injured in week 1. WR Roy Williams sucks. WR Michael Crabtree isn’t signed yet. And Jeff doesn’t believe in using the waiver wire. Ouch.

Heidi (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
What will work: Something will, because somehow Heidi’s teams always end up working. Also, I believe this is the 10th year in a row she drafted TE Antonio Gates.
What won’t work: QB Tony Romo with the first pick? TE Jason Whitten in the second? I will be actively rooting against this team the entire year, for obvious reasons.

Suck My Vick (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800 pts
What will work: How does Anthony end up with RB LaDanian Tomlinson on his team nearly every year?
What won’t work: Ha! He ended up with T.O. on his team too. That a sure sign of a fire sale – offer him something really crappy now, and he’s bound to trade.

Pick Six Dix (new Mike)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
What will work: If this was a non-rookie team I’d have ranked him higher. QB Tom Brady, RB Chris Johnson and WR Wes Welker? That's a good starting trio.
What won’t work: He landed QB Brett Farve, who could easily become a clubhouse cancer. Plus, he’s the new guy. Even if new Mike is doing well, I’ll figure out a way to mess with the scoring so he finishes low.

BetterThanYourTeam (Dad)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
What will work: RB Steve Slaton and QB Phillip Rivers? If Dad knew who either of those were, he’d be excited. But he’ll at least recognize WR Larry Fitzgerald.
What won’t work: Dad only has three Eagles on his team, and one of them is S Quintin Demps. I’m betting he dumps half his squad over the weekend to pick up WR Hank Baskett and FB Kyle Eckel.

Palin's Death Panels (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
What will work: Someone explain to me how one of the two non-Eagles fans in the league ended up with RB Brian Westbrook in the draft? You all should be ashamed.
What won’t work: Jim used his first pick to land Westbrook, breaking his long-held strategy of drafting QBs first. The shock to his system alone is enough to throw him off his game all year.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (Bobert)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
What will work: He’s got a classic NFC East fantasy team. Six of his offensive players are in the division now, two others (QB Kurt Warner and TE Jeremy Shockey) are veterans of it and WR Nate Washington sounds like he should be in there too.
What won’t work: His top WR, Brandon Marshall, is demanding a trade and won’t play. Thanks for the draft help there, Yahoo. You couldn’t fit WR Plaxico Burress in anywhere?

ZombieJacko Comeback (me)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
What will work: My first four picks were great – RB Steven Jackson, WR Randy Moss, QB Aaron Rodgers, WR Marques Colston. That’s how you draft a team. Bonus points for getting Dawkins too.
What won’t work: My next four picks were all WR and TEs, and my next RB came in round 13. Apparently, I need to switch names with Paul because this team is nothing but wideouts.

Chase Utley's WFCs (Joanner)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
What will work: Wondering where all the good RBs are in this league? Joanna has four of them, plus QB Drew Brees and his 5,000 passing yards last year.
What won’t work: None of her WRs are #1 on their own teams. And she ended up with three TEs, but none of them are really any good. She might as well have picked up TE Brent Celek and called it a day.

Bullets over Burress (Joel)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
What will work: He still has the best team name; That counts for something, right? OK, how about RB Matt Forte, QB Jay Cutler, WR Steve Smith and WR Anquan Boldin?
What won’t work: Joel has never finished inside the top five. For him to place this high would be like the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series, and that’s just a ridiculous thought.

Plaxico's attorney (Neal)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
What will work: QB Donovan McNabb. Sure, he also has RB Adrian Peterson, WR Greg Jennings and TE Chris Cooley, but McNabb could vault his team from mediocre to McNabbulous.
What won’t work: Or McNabb could just throw up all over the place and break a knee.

Bad Newz Iggles (Champ Mike)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
What will work: Mike has won this twice before, so you can’t just judge his team by the draft. But, if you must, RB DeAngelo Williams and WR Calvin Johnson are pretty good signs.
What won’t work: He has WR Vincent Jackson on his team. Every time I get this loser on my team I end up in the bottom half of the standings. He’s the kiss of death. Best of luck with him.

I &lt3 WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
What will work: Could we have another two-time Awesome Cup champ at the end of the year? Despite his team name, Paul has a strong RB corps to go with QB Peyton Manning, WR Roddy White and WR Santana Moss.
What won’t work: He also has two Cowboys on his team. If Paul has any honor, he’ll forfeit immediately.

That's it, kids -- time to get it on. Good luck to everyone, and let's go Broncos!

Advice for the Eagles this week

Click on the picture to enlarge it.

The 2009 Draft Order presentation

We've got all the teams signed in, we've got the draft rules squared away, and we've got representatives from each of the teams present at Fort Awesome. It's time to put the first four names in the Eagles skull cap and kick off the new fantasy football season. First name out of the hopper is...

13 -- New Guy Mike (Pick Six Dix)
    Ha! I'm already loving it; The new system screws the new guy. His representative, Jason Campbell playing in tonight's pre-season game against the Patriots, is promptly sacked while responding to the bad news.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

12 -- Bobert (Werewolf BarMitzvah)
   If we had gone with a straight reverse of last year's standings, this is where Bob would have ended up. So his representative, a can of compressed air on the computer, lets out a small hiss but remains largely apathetic.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

11 -- Joanner (Chase Utley's WFCs)
   Joanna's representative, Joanna, is not happy. This is the worst possible slot she could have landed under the rules. But, since she's picking the names, she has no one to blame but herself. And maybe T.O., somehow.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

10 -- Dad (BetterThanYourTeam)
   And Dad gets screwed by the system too, picking the lowest he possibly could. His rep, my Harry Kalas tribute doll from 2000, sits quiet and defeated in the corner. It's mostly because the batteries died years ago, but it's also the disappointment.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

9 -- Heidi (name still TBD)
   Finally, one of the unstoppable Fort Doyle brigade gets their name picked. Although, she should be happy; If we picked based on the date you got your team registered, she'd be dead last. Heidi's representative arrived too late to the draft to record her reaction.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

8 -- Capt. Awesome (ZombieJacko Comeback)
   Let no one question the fairness of this complex drafting system; Joanna, my father and I all got the worst picks we possibly could. Son of a ... absolutely ridiculous. My representative, my Dawkins jersey, sits angry in the corner, for a number of reasons.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

7 -- Anthony (Suck My Vick)
   You know, Champ Mike's name still hasn't been picked, and he certainly doesn't need the help to win this league again. This system sucks. Meanwhile, Ant's rep, a life-sized cardboard cutout of Mike Vick in full Eagles gear, is reduced to more self loathing by the news.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

6 -- Jim (Palin's Death Panels)
   Jim's proxy, a wrinkled copy of Sports Illustrated in the recycling bin that has Troy Polamalu on the cover, smiles ominously. What does he have in store? Drafting Santonio Holmes with his top pick? Skipping the first round this year? It's always an adventure...
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

5 -- Joel (Bullets over Burress)
   Joel's reward for the best team name is that he gets screwed by the new system too, picking two spots lower than if I just did it based on last year's standings. Still, his rep, a toy dart gun I have laying around, gets so excited by a top-half pick that it shoots me in the leg.
   Final name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

4 -- Champ Mike (Bad Newz Iggles)
   Finally. The only two-time Awesome Cup champion picks up where he left off last year, moving way up in the standings and getting a chance at a franchise-caliber running back for his team. His proxy, my digital thermometer, predicts stormy weather all season ... for the rest of the league.
   The next pick is...

3 -- Paulie (I &lt3 WRs)
   Good news for Paul, who will have plenty of WRs to choose from this high in the draft. Paul's rep, a pocket protector, asks me if I understand how truly nerdy his team name is. I beat him up and take his lunch money.
   Just one pick left, and the runner up goes to...

2 -- Jeff (Blue Collar Killers)
   Oooooh, our perennial cellar-dweller just misses out on the Adrian Peterson sweepstakes. His representative, a blue collared dress shirt that just came out of the wash, wrinkles itself in disgust. Or maybe I forgot fabric softener again.
   It's irrelevant, because that means the top pick belongs to...

1 -- Neal (Plaxico's Attorney)
   If Neal's lame team name is any indication, he'll need all the help he can get. His representative, my battery-operated Eagles hamster, does a dance in celebration of the victory. And soon Adrian Peterson will be doing the same on his team (unless he pulls an Anthony and decides to draft Westbrook first overall for no logical reason whatsoever).

OK, kids -- you've got until next Wednesday evening (Sept. 2) before I switch the league over to be drafted. If you want to re-rank players, or at least exclude all the Cowboys, you've got the weekend plus two more days to get it done.

While we're waiting

We're still not quite ready to go with the fantasy football league yet -- last year's champion and his wife are waiting until the last second to sign up again -- but I wanted to brief everyone on the new draft order rules for this year.

In the past, I've shunned a straight-up reverse finish order because I believe that simply rewards failure. However, after my modified system awarded Anthony and myself the top pick three of the last four years, I decided that maybe the bottom dwellers need more help.

So we'll do a doubly-modified NBA style draft order, giving everyone a chance at the top pick but a really good chance for the worst players last year. Our top three 2008 finishers -- Champ Mike, Bobert and Heidi -- as well as New Guy Mike will have their names all thrown in the hat. We'll pick out one name, have that person pick 13th and then throw the next name (last year's fourth-place finisher, Anthony) into the mix. We'll pick for the 12th spot and then throw another name in.

The system's main advantage is no one will pick any worse than four spots lower than where they finished last year. And, for those who did well, you have a statistically fair chance of moving up the chart.

Taking all of that into account, here’s everyone's chance at getting that elusive #1 pick:

Team	% chance at #1	Worst case
Jeff (Blue Collar Killers)	25.0 percent	4th place
Neal (Plaxico’s attorney)	20.0 percent	5th place
Joel (Bullets over Burress)	16.7 percent	6th place
Paulie (I &lt3 WRs)	14.3 percent	7th place
Capt. Awesome (ZombieJacko Comeback)	12.5 percent	8th place
Jim (Palin’s Death Panels)	11.1 percent	9th place
Dad (BetterThanYourTeam)	10.0 percent	10th place
Joanner (Chase Utley’s WFCs)	9.1 percent	11th place
Anthony (Suck my Vick)	8.3 percent	12th place
New Mike (Pick Six Dix)	7.7 percent	13th place
Heidi (Name TDB)	7.7 percent	13th place
Bobert (Werewolf Bar Mitzvah)	7.7 percent	13th place
Champion Mike (Bad Newz Iggles)	7.7 percent	13th place

I'll let everyone know as soon as slowpoke #1 and slowpoke #2 sign up, and give you a few days before we start drafting players. Whoever ends up with Vick automatically gets slotted next to last in the preseason rankings.

Jeff, of course, will be slotted last.

UPDATE: Champ Mike has signed up, so we're almost there. I've updated his team name in the list

What to look for this Thursday

The first pre-season game always sets the tone for the entire year. Just look at 2008; The Eagles never fully recovered from their August 16-10 loss to the Steelers, and Pittsburgh went on to win the Super Bowl.

With that in mind, here are keys to look for in the game:

1) Who’s playing on defense?
Quick, name three players on the Iggles D right now. Lito? Nope, he’s on the Jets. Stewart Bradley? Out for the season. Trent Cole? Out for this week. Dawkins? Don’t go there. Sean Considine? No, thank gawd. Juqua Thomas? Not his name.

So who exactly is starting? Good question.

2) What position is Leonard Weaver playing?
It should be fascinating to see the longtime Seahawks fullback take the field for the first time in an Eagles uniform. Maybe they’ll split him wide as a fourth receiver. Maybe they’ll bring him inside to play left guard. Maybe they’ll put him in as a defensive tackle.

One thing is for sure – The third-and-one specialist won’t be touching the ball on third and one. That’d just be ridiculous.

3) Where’s the gatorade?
Gametime weather is supposed to be 80 degrees and humid. All I’m saying is that it’ll be hot and muggy, and McNabb might need some.

4) Can Hank Baskett win a job?
DeSean Jackson is the #1 WR. Kevin Curtis is #2, and first-round pick Jeremy Macklin and slot receiver Jason Avant are safe as #3s.

Baskett? Looks like he’s fighting Reggie Brown for the last wide receiver spot. And the Iggles need to see solid production to keep one of them around; They never hold onto underachieving wideouts for no good reason.

Speaking of which…

5) Can Greg Lewis win a job?
Ha! That’s the Patriots problem, not the birds. Good riddance, finally.

6) What mediocre 7th-round pick will become the next Koy Detmer?
You know, that one guy who looks good really late in the game when anyone with skill has stopped playing, but he ends up scoring two TDs and everybody thinks he’s the next Joe Montana or Barry Sanders? That guy.

Nominees include RB Marcus Maileli, WR Brandon Robinson and LB Matt Whilhelm. Trust me, you’ll be begging for more after scrub time Thursday.

7) Can Cliff Lee keep it going?
He’s 2-0 with only two earned runs in his first two Philly appearances. Can he go to 3-0?

Remember, kids, it’s still baseball season.

Choosing your team's name

It's fantasy football time again, which means it's time to settle on that perfect team name that'll follow you for the rest of the season.

It's no small task -- I'll remind you that the best team name last year, Mike's "Cougar in Chief," helped inspire his players and guide him to the league championship. Conversely, Jeff's legacy team name, "Blue Collar Killers," hasn't finished in the top five since 2005.

So think carefully before that next Favre or Mike Vick joke. To help inspire you, here are the rejected team names over at Fort Awesome, because they did not meet the required level of awesomeness:

South Kenya WhiteSox
** Obama's hometown team!
God hates KurtWarner
** Otherwise God would have let him win the Super Bowl.
Reigning AFL Champs
** For the second year in a row (and probably forever).
Lions' Perfect Season
** Not one pesky win on that record.
DeSean's Dropsies
** Symptoms get worse near the end zone.
Not in the Head
** Good advice from little Shane Victorino

So go cue up the T.O. jokes and sign up for the league -- the password is already in your email, although we may have room for one more serious, thoughtful player. And I'll reveal the names we chose in our pre-season rankings, after the draft on Aug. 28.

Nothing to post tonight

Sorry, kids. Nothing at all interesting is going on today.

Not a thing.

Planning for Draftsgiving 2010

Normally right about now I'd be prepping for the 7th best holiday of the year (veterans reporting to Eagles' training camp) but I felt compelled to take a moment to address the changes to the draft announced by the NFL last week. In case you missed it, next spring the NFL will host the first round of the draft on a Thursday night, the second and third rounds on a Friday, and the later rounds on Saturday.

Let me reassure you that these changes won't hurt next year's Draftsgiving celebrations; In fact, I'll submit that it will make it even better, more exciting than 10 Super Bowls. Here's why:

1 -- It extends the celebration.
Sure, we'll still officially kick off the weekend on Saturday morning, cracking open the first beer before noon. But now Friday night is officially a warm-up act for the main event. And Thursday? That's just good practice.

2 -- The first round of the draft kinda sucks.
By round four all the big blowhards are off the air, and it's rapid-fire clips of fun folks you've never heard of. Who would you rather hear stories about, 1st round pick Jeremy Macklin or 5th round picks Macho Harris and Fenuki Tupou? At the very least, the names are much more fun.

3 -- There's less stress this way.
The last three years, the Eagles have managed to baffle and frustrate us with their first round picks. You know what they've done with their sixth rounders? Me either. Couldn't have been too stressful, though.

4 -- It'll let us focus more on the Phillies.
That's important, because by then the back-to-back MLB champions will deserve most of our love and devotion each day.

5 -- It'll help us focus on the true meaning of Draftsgiving.
Always remember the six tenets of the holiday: beer, steak, beer, camaraderie, beer, and Yuengling.

So don't worry about it; Just keep an eye on the counter up there in the right top of the website, and start getting ready for the sixth most important holiday of the year (the fantasy football draft.)

Eagles pre-season quiz

It's important to know the squad before we get into training camp. So here's your test to see how ready you are for the season -- can you distinguish the new Eagles players from the old Eagles cheerleaders?

D. Amendola -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
A. Bedford -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
P. Williams -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
E. Bright -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
T. Monroe -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
E. Buckley -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
M. Thigpen -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
A. Stephan -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
K. Parrish -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **
K. Campbell -- Iggle or Cheergle?
       ** Answer **

Just so you don't think I'm a stalker, I found all of the cheerleaders full names posted here. But I'm not ruling out stalking any fullbacks who can pick up a third and one.

8 ways they'll ruin the HR Derby

MLB has already ruined the World Series (by giving home field to the All-Star game winner), the All-Star game (by introducing interleague play), and democracy (by introducing the Natinals to DC). So it's only a matter of time before they ruin the Home Run Derby too.

Here's how they'll do it:

1 -- They'll make it count.
Some front office idiot will decide they need to spice up the competition by using it to set the World Series DH rules or next year's salary cap or something ridiculous.

2 -- They'll add judges.
Why simply count dingers when you could judge their style and flair too? Bonus point for silly costumes, because that's what the fans really love. Just look at the slam dunk contest.

3 -- They'll let fans vote.
Why should MLB pick the top sluggers to participate? The fans know who'd really be exciting in the game: Melky Cabrera! And Tim Wakefield!

4 -- They'll add metal bats.
Better bats mean longer homers. Longer homers mean more awesomeness. Next up: rubber balls and jet packs.

5 -- They'll add a bunt contest.
Small-ball can be exciting too! Watch Ichiro try to leg out an infield single (best three out of five attempts) and listen to the announcers extol the virtues of baseball fundamentals.

6 -- They'll add Nickleback.
What the Derby has always lacked is a rocking soundtrack. Nothing would improve it more than hearing the chorus of "Centerfield" covered by Chad Kroeger after every launch.

7 -- They'll add an old timers game.
That way, we can all see whether Reggie Jackson and Yogi Berra still have what it takes to be a star. The fences will be moved in 200 feet, of course. And Barry Bonds will be invited.

8 -- They'll move it to new Cowboys Stadium.
Jerry Jones' dream is finally fulfilled: 100-yard homers and a per-football-season chance to show off his new shrine. MLB will call it "cross promotion."

Honestly, I'm not sure any of those are worse ideas than letting Chris Berman shriek through the event each year...

Eagles season preview (according to Madden)

The folks behind Madden 2010 (now with 20 percent more Rothlesberginess) came out with their team and player ratings this week. The Eagles are listed overall at 88, one point lower than the Giants but still in the upper tiers of the game. Here's a closer look at how the video game gods view the team stacking up this year:

Best Player (95 rating):
CB Asante Samuel, and LT Jason Peters
Both men just barely beat out RB Brian Westbrook (94). It's worth noting that the game developers think the two best guys on the Iggles are someone who hasn't played a down for them yet and a guy who all of us thought was horribly overrated all last season.

Worst Player (51 rating):
QB A.J. Feeley
Awww, poor little Feeley. Keep trying there, buddy

Fastest Player (96 rating):
WR Jeremy Macklin
If the newly-drafted wideout is actually faster than Westbrook, WR DeSean Jackson and WR Kevin Curtis, the team's receiving corps is in better shape than any time since Freddie Barnett left.

Slowest Player (36 rating):
LG Max Jean-Gilles
At 355 pounds (the heaviest on the team) this comes as a complete shock to me.

Toughest Player (96 rating):
QB Donovan McNabb
If toughness means ability to come back for more punishment every year, this rating is dead-on. If it means one's ability to play football without puking...

Whimpiest Player (42 rating):
CB Jack Ikegwuono
He spent all of last year injured, but apparently instead of rehabbing he just ate ice cream and watched Lifetime movies.

Best Tackler (86 rating):
LB Stewart Bradley
Honestly, 86 is pretty low for a team's top tackler. And that means it's probably pretty accurate.

Worst Tackler (12 rating):
C Jamal Jackson
He comes in behind K David Akers (13), who can barely walk now, and WR Jeremy Macklin (20), who has never played a down in the NFL. That ain't good.

Strongest Player (99 rating):
RG Shawn Andrews
Coming in at #2? RT Stacey Andrews, his brother, at 97. How many arm wrestling matches do you think it'll take to settle this?

Weakest Player (44 rating):
WR DeSean Jackson
He's so weak he can't even carry a football across the goal line.

Easiest Call (Awareness, 97 rating):
RB Brian Westbrook
Telling me that Westbrook is the smartest player on the team is like telling me that Terrell Owens is an idiot. It's obvious, but it's still fun to see proof of it.

Most Shocking Call (Spin Move, 84 rating):
CB Macho Harris
Wait, we signed a corner named Macho Harris and I have yet to make fun of him? And his best skill is spinning?

Only 19 days until training camp, kids.

Mets are in third place!

Wait, there's something familiar about this...


Oh, that's right. Looks like everything is going according to plan.

My annual pilgrimage

Saturday was a chance to hang out at Citizen's Bank Park and see my annual Phillies' loss with Dad. And I remembered to bring my camera and its fancy zoom.

The full set is over here.

Leveraging new media

There's a new "decision making site" (no, not Bing -- every third answer there is a Microsoft web page) called Hunch that I stumbled across yesterday. So, to see how well it works, I thought I'd test it out in my quest to unshackle myself from the stinking Eagles and find a new (possibly Dawkins-laden?) team to root for.

Here's how it went.

Well, I'm looking for a new team based on a random web site's suggestion. I'm guessing it won't be a long-term commitment.

I'm very concerned about the environment.


The Phillies' starting pitchers and late-inning hitters have convinced me that defense is boring.

I said I was looking for a new team to root for, not looking for a way to become a Yankees fan.

I've got the Flyers, Sixers, Phillies and Soul (and soon to be the Philadelphia Union!) -- I think they're all human mascots. Better go with animals, just to be sure.

No way I'm watching most of my football on CBS. NFC it is.

Drumroll please ... and the results are ...

What? The Cardinals! I want a team that's going to be good in the short-term next year, not last year. What are my other options?

Eh, that's really more of a basketball area, isn't it? What's my guarantee that this team doesn't go all three-point field goals all the time on me? Next.

That's it, forget it. I'm done.

My unbiased All-Star ballot

I think this is both fair and impartial.

In fact, I think it's so impartial that I've submitted it 60 times online so far.

Pursuit of history

The Washington Natinals are 13-36 through their first 49 games this year, putting them on pace for one of the worst seasons in major league baseball history. Here’s a quick look at some of the teams they’re chasing.

Team: 1899 Cleveland Spiders
Final record: 20-134 (.130)
Games out of first: 84
Through 49: 9-40
DC connection: Despite terrible play against nearly every opponent all year long, the Spiders did go an almost-respectable 4-10 against the Washington Senators.

Team: 1916 Philadelphia Athletics
Final record: 36-117 (.235)
Games out of first: 54.5
Through 49: 15-34
DC connection: The A’s highest scoring game of the year was a 10-9 win over the Washington Senators on Sept. 30, the final weekend of the season.

Team: 1962 New York Mets
Final record: 40-120-1 (.250)
Games out of first: 29
Through 49: 13-36
DC connection: Following the worst team year in modern baseball history, Mets backup 3B Don Zimmer (yep, that Don Zimmer) left the team and played for the Senators in 1963.

Team: 1904 Washington Senators
Final record: 38-113 (.252)
Games out of first: 55.5
Through 49: 9-37
DC connection: They were the Washington Senators. They played in Washington, D.C.

Team: 2003 Detroit Tigers
Final record: 43-119 (.265)
Games out of first: 47
Through 49: 13-36
DC connection: 1B Dimitri Young, an all-star for the Natinals in 2007, was the full time DH for the Tigers in 2003.

Team: 1953 Pittsburgh Pirates
Final record: 42-112-1 (.273)
Games out of first: 54.5
Through 49: 12-37
DC connection: P Don Carlsen (DC to his friends) finished with an 0-1 record and a 10.80 ERA on the year, in five appearances.

Team: 1942 Phillies
Final record: 42-109 (.278)
Games out of first: 62.5
Through 49: 16-33
DC connection: The Phillies at least had a better win percentage than the 2-9 Philadelphia Eagles that year, who lost twice to the Washington Racial Slurs that year.

Team: 1932 Red Sox
Final record: 43-111 (.279)
Games out of first: 64
Through 49: 9-40
DC connection: None. I just like making fun of the Red Sox.

Happy birthday, G

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was...

Actual Phils items for sale on Ebay

A case of 75 Reading Phillies souvenir programs
Cost: $49
Description: I'm all about sports memorabilia, and a minor league program with Ryan Howard on the front is an awesome keepsake. Two or three is even better. 75 is not.



Official Phillies billards table cover
Cost: $499
Description: For about $480 less, you can buy a red tablecloth and slap a Phils logo on there. I'm just saying.

16 tix to the June 13 game against Boston
Cost: $5,000
Description: To be fair, these sound like great seats. But it's still nearly $315 a person just for the chance to hang out with Boston fans for three hours. The beer costs alone to make that tolerable will run you another $90 easy.



A game-worn Ken Dowell jersey
Cost: $75
Description: Dowell appeared in 15 games for the Phillies in 1987, collecting five hits and one RBI. He had no other major league experience. Unless you're his mom, you shouldn't be bidding on this.


A set of Phillies children's bedroom furniture
Cost: $475
Description: Includes a toy chest, a rocking chair, director's chair, a step up, a table lamp, and a clothes tree. Too bad your kid will have to sleep on the non-Phillies rug because you can’t afford a bed.

A $1,250 Phillies watch
Cost: $1,250
Description: This watch, with Phillies logo displayed prominently on the front, costs 100 times more than what you should be paying for a gimmick watch.



A case of reusable Phils shopping bags from 1972
Cost: $90
Description: Again, one bag is an awesome souvenir. A case of them either makes you a packrat or someone who buys way too many groceries.



An Adam Eaton autographed baseball
Cost: $25
Description: Also available on Ebay -- P Adam Eaton, recently cut by the Orioles, available for just $20. Cash only, no refunds.

24, Day 7.1

We're through another day of Jack Bauer, and you know what that means: Time for tomorrow's front page.

Make sure to click on the picture to open up the whole front page. After it opens a new window, hold your mouse over the pic for a second and click on the little box on the bottom right.

Chapters from my upcoming book "Chicken soup for the Philadelphia Sports Fan's Soul"

Chapter 2
Unleashing your inner Flying Hawaiian

Chapter 4
Eagles greats divisible by 20
(Dawkins, #20; Brookshier, #40; Bednarik, #60)

Chapter 6
Acceptable times to use the Rocky theme outside of Philly
and other comical myths

Chapter 7
Cowboys anagrams: A scam? Wrong, ya S-O-B!

Chapter 9
Literary parallels:
Shakespeare's Richard III and the 2001 76ers

Chapter 12
Flyers fans: Fartsmells or Brindamorons?

Chapter 15
How to mispronounce athletes names
(including Brian Westerbrook!)

Chapter 16
Why I hate NFC championship games

Chapter 18
The Phillies still love you

Order your copy today!

Fun with Phils stats

What have we learned so far?




We've learned the Phils have outscored their opponents in every inning this year. And you can miss the start of Phils' games, but not the last two innings.

What happened today in the draft

For those of you who had trouble following all the trades today, here's a simple breakdown of just one of the Eagles' moves:

-- The Eagles start the day with a 3rd round pick (#91) and a 5th rounder (#141), among other picks.

-- They traded the 3rd to the Giants for a new 2009 3rd and a new 2009 5th.

-- They traded the Giants' 3rd to the Seahawks for a 2010 3rd, another 2009 5th and a new 2009 7th.

-- They traded the Seahawks 5th and that #141 pick to the Patriots for CB Ellis Hobbs.

-- They traded the Giants' 5th to the Saints for a 2010 5th and a new 2009 7th.

-- They traded that 2009 7th to the Colts for a 2010 6th.

-- They used the Seahawks' 7th to draft OG Paul Fanaika.

Or, to make it even clearer for you:



Don't know why folks had trouble understanding that.

Later on I'll cover the drafting of LB Jason Phillips, who was selected by the Ravens with the pick they got from the Patriots who got it from the Eagles who got it from the Seahawks who got it from the Lions. I predict he'll be traded to the Packers by June, and to the Lakers a week later.

Draftsgiving Eve

Fort Awesome is ready.



Are you?

Proposed Draftsgiving TV schedule

All TV viewing is subject to change, depending on the whims of the crowd.

1200pm
      TV1 -- ESPN: Draft preview (in HD)
      TV2 -- PS2: NHL Hockey
      TV3 -- ESPN2: College FB All-Stars

100pm
      TV1 -- CNP: Phils vs. Marlins (repeat)
      TV2 -- PS2: NHL Hockey
      TV3 -- ESPN: Nuggets at Hornets (NBA)

200pm
      TV1 -- DVD: 2008 World Series, Game 5
      TV2 -- PS2: Mortal Kombat II
      TV3 -- CBS: Legends of Golf

300pm
      TV1 -- NBC: Flyers vs. Pens (in HD)
      TV2 -- NBC: Flyers vs. Pens
      TV3 -- CNP: Delaware at Drexel (Lacrosse)

400pm
      TV1 -- NBC: Flyers vs. Pens (in HD)
      TV2 -- ESPN: NFL Draft
      TV3 -- ESPN: NFL Draft

500pm
      TV1 -- NBC: Flyers vs. Pens (in HD)
      TV2 -- PS2: NHL Hockey
      TV3 -- ESPN: NFL Draft

600pm
      TV1 -- ESPN: NFL Draft (in HD)
      TV2 -- PS2: Home Run Derby
      TV3 -- TNT: Spurs at Mavs (NBA)

700pm
      TV1 -- PS2: NHL Hockey
      TV2 -- ESPN: NFL Draft
      TV3 -- CSPAN: Book Festival

800pm
      TV1 -- FX: Snakes on a Plane (in HD)
      TV2 -- NICK: Spongebob Squarepants
      TV3 -- ESPN: NFL Draft

900pm
      TV1 -- ESPN2: NFL Draft (in HD)
      TV2 -- PS2: NBA Basketball
      TV3 -- ESPN: Lakers vs. Jazz (NBA)

1000pm
      TV1 -- SPEED: Motorcycle racing
      TV2 -- PS2: Simpsons racing
      TV3 -- ESPN2: NFL Draft

1100pm
      TV1 -- ESPN2: Baseball Tonight (in HD)
      TV2 -- PS2: NHL Hockey
      TV3 -- ESPN: Sportscenter

1200am
      TV1 -- TCM: The Lion in Winter
      TV2 -- SPIKE: From Dusk til Dawn 2
      TV3 -- ABCF: Jurassic Park III

Please note: The 705pm Phillies game will be shown via webcast.

Grading the 2008 Eagles draft the right way

To understand where we're headed, we must examine our past. So let's take a look back one year...

2^nd round – Trevor Laws
Actual performance: Poor. 11 tackles on the year, though he did record a safety
Anagram performance: Fair. “Wort slaver” and “Straw lover” are fun, but don’t really say much.

2^nd round – DeSean Jackson
Actual performance: Great. Top WR on the squad, and a special teams threat.
Anagram performance: Great. “One jackass end” perfectly captures that pre-TD fumble.

3^rd Round – Bryan Smith
Actual performance: Poor. Did not appear in a game
Anagram performance: Fair. “Brains myth” and “Many births” cover two potential future scandals.

4^th Round – Mike McGlynn
Actual performance: Fair. Only appeared in three games, but could have a role in 09.
Anagram performance: Poor. “Men Gym Clink” gets you nowhere, but there aren’t other good options.

4^th Round -- Quintin Demps
Actual performance: Good. Solid return man, needs to improve at DB quickly.
Anagram performance: Good. “End mint quips” doesn’t make much sense, but it’s catchy.

4^th Round -- Jack Ikegwuonu
Actual performance: Incomplete. Spent the year injured, could be a solid DB.
Anagram performance: Poor: Neither “A Juice Gunk Wok” nor “I Nuke Wacko Jug” show true insight.

6^th Round – Mike Gibson
Actual performance: Poor. Did not appear in a single game.
Anagram performance: Great. “Mike is bong” is awesome, as is “Big smoke-in.”

6^th Round – Joe Mays
Actual performance: Poor. Six games, no tackles from this LB.
Anagram performance: Good. “Some joy” is boring, but “Jam ye so” is great for an LB.

6^th Round – Andy Studebaker
Actual performance: Poor. Cut from the team.
Anagram performance: High. “Astray Debunked” and “Add Turkey Beans” are both hilarious in their own way.

7^th Round – King Dunlap
Actual performance: Fair. He hasn’t done anything, but he’s still on the team.
Anagram performance: High. They guy’s name is already ridiculous. You have to reverse anagram it to “Dan Glunnik” just to make sense of it.

Pre-Draftsgiving quiz

Are you ready for this weekend? Find out by testing your NFL knowledge with the quiz below:
-------------------------------------------------

Draft prospect or Star Wars character?

Pannel Egboh

Draft prospect Star Wars character

Nom Anor
Draft prospect Star Wars character

Natasi Daala
Draft prospect Star Wars character

Kaluka Maiava
Draft prospect Star Wars character

Fenuki Tupou
Draft prospect Star Wars character

Irek Ismaren
Draft prospect Star Wars character

Captain Munnerlyn
Draft prospect Star Wars character

Bren Derlin
Draft prospect Star Wars character

Wopamo Osaisai
Draft prospect Star Wars character

Keyan Farlander
Draft prospect Star Wars character

-------------------------------------------------

Scoring Key
9-10 pts -- 3rd Round pick Brian Westbrook
7-8 pts -- 2nd Round pick DeSean Jackson
5-6 pts -- 3rd Round pick Stewart Bradley
3-4 pts -- 2nd Round pick Winston Justice
1-2 pts -- 1st Round pick Freddie Mitchell
0 pts -- 2nd Round pick Kevin Kolb

If you don't believe me, you can check for yourself here and here.

Getting ready for Draftsgiving 2009

We're just a few days from Draftsgiving, so it's time to start making your preparations. If that doesn't include a trip to Fort Awesome, here are a few changes from the past you need to be aware of:

** The draft starts at 4pm this year. This means the Eagles likely won't pick until after 7 pm. But drinking is still scheduled to commence at 11:45 am.

** Speaking of the Eagles, we're rooting for the Broncos this year. I think the reasons are pretty obvious. Appropriate attire will be your favorite Denver jersey. In lieu of that, pick the jersey of your favorite former Eagle.

** You still need at least three TVs to properly celebrate the holiday. Five is preferable. Seven is just ridiculous.

** There is only one obvious choice for the #1 pick this year. His name is Chase Utley. He already plays for your World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. His preferred sport is irrelevant.

** When in doubt, have another beer. Or another steak. Either will help you get in the holiday mood.

More instructions to come.

There is no joy in Mudville

Today I got to see my first Phillies' win of the season -- unfortunately, it was also the first Phillies' win of my life that I know Harry Kalas wasn't announcing.

I can't name a more beloved Philadelphia sports figure than Harry. Until I compose myself and think of something better to post, here's one of the highlights of my journalism career.


Click on the picture to read it. Make sure you check out the last few paragraphs.

T-shirt suggestions

It's just a few minutes before the opening game of the Phils' title defense -- if you haven't decided what T-shirt to wear yet, why not make your own? Here's some logos you're free to use: