Fantasy football -- preseason rankings

Nobody picked up Mike Vick in last night’s draft, so we’ll have to do the preseason rankings the old fashioned way: complete guesswork. Here are the predictions:

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 13th place, 1700 pts
What will work: Well, he’s got nowhere to go but up after last year’s last-place finish. So fielding a team is a positive start.
What won’t work: RB Michael Turner carried the ball 15,000 times last year and will get injured in week 1. WR Roy Williams sucks. WR Michael Crabtree isn’t signed yet. And Jeff doesn’t believe in using the waiver wire. Ouch.

Heidi (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
What will work: Something will, because somehow Heidi’s teams always end up working. Also, I believe this is the 10th year in a row she drafted TE Antonio Gates.
What won’t work: QB Tony Romo with the first pick? TE Jason Whitten in the second? I will be actively rooting against this team the entire year, for obvious reasons.

Suck My Vick (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800 pts
What will work: How does Anthony end up with RB LaDanian Tomlinson on his team nearly every year?
What won’t work: Ha! He ended up with T.O. on his team too. That a sure sign of a fire sale – offer him something really crappy now, and he’s bound to trade.

Pick Six Dix (new Mike)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
What will work: If this was a non-rookie team I’d have ranked him higher. QB Tom Brady, RB Chris Johnson and WR Wes Welker? That's a good starting trio.
What won’t work: He landed QB Brett Farve, who could easily become a clubhouse cancer. Plus, he’s the new guy. Even if new Mike is doing well, I’ll figure out a way to mess with the scoring so he finishes low.

BetterThanYourTeam (Dad)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
What will work: RB Steve Slaton and QB Phillip Rivers? If Dad knew who either of those were, he’d be excited. But he’ll at least recognize WR Larry Fitzgerald.
What won’t work: Dad only has three Eagles on his team, and one of them is S Quintin Demps. I’m betting he dumps half his squad over the weekend to pick up WR Hank Baskett and FB Kyle Eckel.

Palin's Death Panels (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
What will work: Someone explain to me how one of the two non-Eagles fans in the league ended up with RB Brian Westbrook in the draft? You all should be ashamed.
What won’t work: Jim used his first pick to land Westbrook, breaking his long-held strategy of drafting QBs first. The shock to his system alone is enough to throw him off his game all year.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (Bobert)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
What will work: He’s got a classic NFC East fantasy team. Six of his offensive players are in the division now, two others (QB Kurt Warner and TE Jeremy Shockey) are veterans of it and WR Nate Washington sounds like he should be in there too.
What won’t work: His top WR, Brandon Marshall, is demanding a trade and won’t play. Thanks for the draft help there, Yahoo. You couldn’t fit WR Plaxico Burress in anywhere?

ZombieJacko Comeback (me)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
What will work: My first four picks were great – RB Steven Jackson, WR Randy Moss, QB Aaron Rodgers, WR Marques Colston. That’s how you draft a team. Bonus points for getting Dawkins too.
What won’t work: My next four picks were all WR and TEs, and my next RB came in round 13. Apparently, I need to switch names with Paul because this team is nothing but wideouts.

Chase Utley's WFCs (Joanner)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
What will work: Wondering where all the good RBs are in this league? Joanna has four of them, plus QB Drew Brees and his 5,000 passing yards last year.
What won’t work: None of her WRs are #1 on their own teams. And she ended up with three TEs, but none of them are really any good. She might as well have picked up TE Brent Celek and called it a day.

Bullets over Burress (Joel)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
What will work: He still has the best team name; That counts for something, right? OK, how about RB Matt Forte, QB Jay Cutler, WR Steve Smith and WR Anquan Boldin?
What won’t work: Joel has never finished inside the top five. For him to place this high would be like the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series, and that’s just a ridiculous thought.

Plaxico's attorney (Neal)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
What will work: QB Donovan McNabb. Sure, he also has RB Adrian Peterson, WR Greg Jennings and TE Chris Cooley, but McNabb could vault his team from mediocre to McNabbulous.
What won’t work: Or McNabb could just throw up all over the place and break a knee.

Bad Newz Iggles (Champ Mike)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
What will work: Mike has won this twice before, so you can’t just judge his team by the draft. But, if you must, RB DeAngelo Williams and WR Calvin Johnson are pretty good signs.
What won’t work: He has WR Vincent Jackson on his team. Every time I get this loser on my team I end up in the bottom half of the standings. He’s the kiss of death. Best of luck with him.

I &lt3 WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
What will work: Could we have another two-time Awesome Cup champ at the end of the year? Despite his team name, Paul has a strong RB corps to go with QB Peyton Manning, WR Roddy White and WR Santana Moss.
What won’t work: He also has two Cowboys on his team. If Paul has any honor, he’ll forfeit immediately.

That's it, kids -- time to get it on. Good luck to everyone, and let's go Broncos!