2009 fantasy recap, week #2

A critical look at who has been more helpful to the Eagles at the QB position over the last two years: backup Kevin Kolb (8 appearances), or backup Koy Detmer (zero appearances).

Yards passing Kolb = 558 yards
Yards passing Koy = zero yards
ADVANTAGE: Kolb

Points by Kolb = minus-6 (two TDs, three INTs returned for TDs)
Points by Koy = zero (no TDs or INTs)
ADVANTAGE: Koy

QB rating Kolb = 50.6 rating
QB rating Koy = 39.5 rating (zero completions and attempts)
ADVANTAGE: Kolb

Starts by Kolb = 0-1 record
Starts by Koy = 0-0 record
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Rushing yards Kolb = 2 yards in 16 attempts
Rushing yards Koy = 0 yards in 0 attempts
ADVANTAGE: Kolb (barely)

Salary of Kolb = $1.6 million
Salary of Koy = $0.0 million
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Neckbeard of Kolb = 5 o’clock shadow
Neckbeard of Koy = Full
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Results --- Koy 4, Kolb 3
I knew we never should have let that Detmer retire.

QB: Matt Schaub, 38.68 pts – started by Ant
RB: Chris Johnson, 52.50 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Andre Johnson, 31.93 pts – started by Ant
TE: Dallas Clark, 25.20 pts – started by Ant
K: Ryan Lindell, 16.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Charles Woodson, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Jo managed to field the second-best RB and QB this week, and gets no love here whatsoever. It's all Anthony, all the time this week, except for our single-player record for points in Chris Johnson.

And despite his 187 yards rushing, nine catches, 87 receiving yards and three TDs, his team lost. Why? See exhibits QB and WR on Ant's team.

3rd place: Donnie Avery, -0.73 pts – started by Bob
2nd place: Tennessee, -1.00 pts – started by Joanna
1st place: Greg Toler, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Joanna did manage to get on this list, however.

I’m used to hearing a lot of stupid commentary during football games, especially during college contests.

So when the announcers in Saturday’s Florida-Tennessee game talked about QB Tim Tebow’s “speed and quickness” (as if there’s a difference) I didn’t flinch. When they said the Volunteers’ RB blew by “two Florida football players” (as opposed to the basketball team?) I didn’t groan. When Verne Lundquist suggested that Tennessee, on their first possession of the game, needed to “run out the clock to win this game” (just one 58-minute drive should do it!) I wasn’t upset.

But when color commentator Gary Danielson complimented Tennessee QB Jonathan Crompton’s “eye vision” in the second quarter, I couldn’t take it any more. Eye vision? Instead of his ear vision? Or the blimp vision? Or maybe his eye feeling?

That’s just dumb stupid.

There are times I’m simply appalled by the actions of the Cowboys on the field, but that doesn’t hold a candle to what they do off the field. Take this new acquisition, for instance: The letters in his name reveal just how evil he is:

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I gore felons and even shy kids ---

“Oh, that’s a stretch,” you say. “These anagrams are forced. Anybody can make up one ridiculous line.”

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I knifed a nosy vender’s legs. Oh! ---

“Fine, you got two,” you say. “That proves nothing.”

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I enslave honkys. God, send fire! ---

Pure evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

As I type at 9 p.m. on Tuesday:

** The Phillies' magic number is 5 (any combination of Phils wins and Braves losses totaling five gives them the division win).
** The Eagles' magic number is 16 (any combination of Eagles wins and Giants losses totaling 16 gives them the division).
** The Flyers' magic number is 83 (any combination of Flyers wins and division opponent's losses totaling 83 gives them the division).
** The Sixers' magic number is 83 (any combination of Sixers wins and division opponent's losses totaling 83 gives them the division).
** The Soul's magic number is one (It'll take a magic act for them to play one more game ever).

Click on the image below to enlarge

Apparently the only thing you need to win this league is a first name of Mike. I’m thinking of picking up Vick just to see if it inspires my team.

Meanwhile, Jim earns the "Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week" award by leaving 41 pts on his bench, but it wasn't without a fight. Neal again managed to start three inactive players (and two others who didn't score a point) and Joel inexplicably forgot to start one of his defensive players.

But hey, everyone makes these mistakes early in the year. The Eagles forgot to come out for the second half on Sunday.

*** I’m three games up on Dad in the weekly picks. The key this week? My pick of the Saints over the Eagles. I’m not proud, but then again neither is a franchise that starts Kevin Kolb and employs Mike Vick, so…

*** New Texas Stadium has a 700-mile long jumbotron (that’s an exaggeration), is as long as the Empire State Building is high (not an exaggeration), boasts padded seats throughout (not an exaggeration) and features cage dancers in the upper rafters (I still can’t believe that one either). As my darling wife just observed, the more you think about Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, the more you think he may be a modern-day Caligula.

*** Heidi has updated her team name to “The Most Interesting Team in the World,” which inspired her interesting players like Devery Henderson, Cedric Benson and Carnell Williams to slip 20 points behind her total last week. But that shouldn’t discourage anyone from updating their team name to better reflect your expectations and dreams for your squad.

For example, since Bob slipped into last place, he volunteered to change his team name to “The Dallas Cowboys” in the hopes that it affects the NFC East standings too. And Anthony has already said he’s planning on changing his team name to “I love Mike Vick XOXOX” after he scores his first TD this weekend.