The 2009 Draft Order presentation

We've got all the teams signed in, we've got the draft rules squared away, and we've got representatives from each of the teams present at Fort Awesome. It's time to put the first four names in the Eagles skull cap and kick off the new fantasy football season. First name out of the hopper is...

13 -- New Guy Mike (Pick Six Dix)
    Ha! I'm already loving it; The new system screws the new guy. His representative, Jason Campbell playing in tonight's pre-season game against the Patriots, is promptly sacked while responding to the bad news.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

12 -- Bobert (Werewolf BarMitzvah)
   If we had gone with a straight reverse of last year's standings, this is where Bob would have ended up. So his representative, a can of compressed air on the computer, lets out a small hiss but remains largely apathetic.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

11 -- Joanner (Chase Utley's WFCs)
   Joanna's representative, Joanna, is not happy. This is the worst possible slot she could have landed under the rules. But, since she's picking the names, she has no one to blame but herself. And maybe T.O., somehow.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

10 -- Dad (BetterThanYourTeam)
   And Dad gets screwed by the system too, picking the lowest he possibly could. His rep, my Harry Kalas tribute doll from 2000, sits quiet and defeated in the corner. It's mostly because the batteries died years ago, but it's also the disappointment.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

9 -- Heidi (name still TBD)
   Finally, one of the unstoppable Fort Doyle brigade gets their name picked. Although, she should be happy; If we picked based on the date you got your team registered, she'd be dead last. Heidi's representative arrived too late to the draft to record her reaction.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

8 -- Capt. Awesome (ZombieJacko Comeback)
   Let no one question the fairness of this complex drafting system; Joanna, my father and I all got the worst picks we possibly could. Son of a ... absolutely ridiculous. My representative, my Dawkins jersey, sits angry in the corner, for a number of reasons.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

7 -- Anthony (Suck My Vick)
   You know, Champ Mike's name still hasn't been picked, and he certainly doesn't need the help to win this league again. This system sucks. Meanwhile, Ant's rep, a life-sized cardboard cutout of Mike Vick in full Eagles gear, is reduced to more self loathing by the news.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

6 -- Jim (Palin's Death Panels)
   Jim's proxy, a wrinkled copy of Sports Illustrated in the recycling bin that has Troy Polamalu on the cover, smiles ominously. What does he have in store? Drafting Santonio Holmes with his top pick? Skipping the first round this year? It's always an adventure...
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

5 -- Joel (Bullets over Burress)
   Joel's reward for the best team name is that he gets screwed by the new system too, picking two spots lower than if I just did it based on last year's standings. Still, his rep, a toy dart gun I have laying around, gets so excited by a top-half pick that it shoots me in the leg.
   Final name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

4 -- Champ Mike (Bad Newz Iggles)
   Finally. The only two-time Awesome Cup champion picks up where he left off last year, moving way up in the standings and getting a chance at a franchise-caliber running back for his team. His proxy, my digital thermometer, predicts stormy weather all season ... for the rest of the league.
   The next pick is...

3 -- Paulie (I &lt3 WRs)
   Good news for Paul, who will have plenty of WRs to choose from this high in the draft. Paul's rep, a pocket protector, asks me if I understand how truly nerdy his team name is. I beat him up and take his lunch money.
   Just one pick left, and the runner up goes to...

2 -- Jeff (Blue Collar Killers)
   Oooooh, our perennial cellar-dweller just misses out on the Adrian Peterson sweepstakes. His representative, a blue collared dress shirt that just came out of the wash, wrinkles itself in disgust. Or maybe I forgot fabric softener again.
   It's irrelevant, because that means the top pick belongs to...

1 -- Neal (Plaxico's Attorney)
   If Neal's lame team name is any indication, he'll need all the help he can get. His representative, my battery-operated Eagles hamster, does a dance in celebration of the victory. And soon Adrian Peterson will be doing the same on his team (unless he pulls an Anthony and decides to draft Westbrook first overall for no logical reason whatsoever).

OK, kids -- you've got until next Wednesday evening (Sept. 2) before I switch the league over to be drafted. If you want to re-rank players, or at least exclude all the Cowboys, you've got the weekend plus two more days to get it done.