Just a few days left

Things I'm looking forward to in the NCAA tournament

Austin Peay




Trying to remember where Gonzaga is




Hoping that Duke G Luke Davidson gets to play Davidson College and that the play-by-play announcer's head explodes




Notre Dame F Luke Harangody (although he's no Pitsnogle)




Thinking of good Winthrop jokes




Rooting against Xaiver for no good reason (freaking Musketeers)




Obligatory references to former Providence G God Shamgod




Oral Roberts

All of us cried a little

A quick look at tomorrow's front page from one of my favorite publications:

Sports Oscars

Once again those snobs in Hollyweird held their annual movie lovefest and snubbed the entire field of great sports films released in 2007. Since no one else seems to want to honor the real art of last year, I’ll take it upon myself.

(Please note – all awards were handed out on the basis of these films' trailers, as I have not seen any of them).

2008 Academy Awards of Sports Flicks

Best Actor
Nominees: Columbus Short, Stomp the Yard; Nick Cage, Ghost Rider; Dwayne Johnson, The Game Plan; Will Ferrell, Blades of Glory
       Know the plot of “The Game Plan”? Johnson, the all-Pro Boston QB, finds out he has a kid out of wedlock, which complicates his relationship with his model girlfriend. That’s the kind of outside-the-box character that deserves an award. Also, the QB gets injured in the championship game. If only …
Winner: Johnson

Best Actress
Nominees: None
       Until somebody makes another sports movie that stars a woman, the award stays with the last champ. Three years running, with no serious contenders …
Winner: Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby

Best Supporting Actor
Nominees: Carl Weathers, The Comebacks; Christopher Walken, Balls of Fury; Billy Bob Thorton, Mr. Woodcock; Jorma Taccone, Hot Rod
       Walken is barely even in the trailer, but I’m not going to snub him even in jest on the off chance he ever comes across this website. Dude scares me. If you piss him off, he might prank you with a tire iron …
Winner: Walken

Best Supporting Actress
Nominees: Susan Sarandon, Mr. Woodcock; Ilsa Fisher, Hot Rod; Jena Fisher, Blades of Glory; Jon Heder, Blades of Glory
       Look at that picture again and tell me you didn’t think Napoleon Dynamite there was a woman. That’s what I thought …
Winner: Heder

Best Animated Movie
Nominees: Surf’s Up
       Only one nominee, a happy cartoon about a penguin surfing competition. But I’m going against it -- If the academy can decide that 10-years-in-the-waiting Simpsons movie isn’t even worth an animated film nomination, I can name it the best cartoon sports film with just as much credibility …
Winner: The Simpsons Movie

Best Documentary Film
Nominees: The Final Season, The Comebacks
       “The Final Season” is a heartwarming story about an Iowa high school baseball team’s last at bat, but “The Comebacks” is about the tragedy that can happen when no-talent hacks try to tackle both sports and comedy. It’s one of those movies that everyone should watch, lest we fail to learn from our mistakes.
Winner: The Comebacks

Best Picture
Nominees: The Game Plan, Blades of Glory, Balls of Fury, Mr. Woodcock, The Comebacks
       Let’s face it – if you missed “Pride”, the inspirational story of a Philly swim team overcoming adversity, you missed the only sports movie that tried to be respectable this year. So I’m guessing you spent more time watching actual sports, which is better in the end. So in the end, who really won?
Winner: All of us filmgoers (unless you saw Mr. Woodcock)

Worst sports store in America

Found in El Paso today ...




Aren't there supposed to be Cowboys fans out here?

Surprise Flyers news

In case you missed it:

     (AHN) -- Flyers forward Simon Gagne downplayed his third concussion this season and on Monday dismissed speculations that he is shelved for the remainder of the year.
     "There is no reason I can't come back and help lead this team to the World Series," Gagne said in an interview with the Philadelphia Inquirer. "It's just like J-Roll said -- we're the team to beat."
     The 27-year-old former first-round pick first sustained a concussion in October 24 then suffered the same injury on November 5. The two injuries forced Gagne to miss a total of 30 games.
     "I've already missed enough of this season, and I just need to get back on the gridiron and do my job," he said. "The doctors are telling me there could be problems, but I don't know the meaning of the word.
     "Seriously, what does that mean?"
     The Quebec native reported problem-free on January 10 until he had another concussion on Sunday, when he was hit by Penguins' forward Jordan Staal. Gagne expressed hope that his third bout with the injury will not force him as much games as before.
     "You can't tell me that I'll be ready to be doing to be ready when I'm not if I am," Gagne said. "Seriously. For real. Can I borrow a candy bar?"
     Gagne has played all his eight seasons with Philadelphia. He has seven goals and 11 assists in 25 games this season and has a career 208 goals in 527 games since he debuted in 1999.
     "There's no stopping the Flyers from bringing home the Lombardi trophy," he said. "Book it. You can Paris Hilton that to the bank."

Pro-Bowl preview

The NFL has always had a problem getting its top players to attend the annual Pro Bowl in Hawaii, but this year’s absences are even more notable than usual (Deceased Washington S Sean Taylor, Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson, Patriots QB Tom Brady). So what excuses are they giving for not making the trip?

Dolphins DE Jason Taylor won’t be there because Miami is already down 10-0 in next season’s opener.

Patriots QB Tom Brady won’t be there because he’s a baby.

Eagles S Brian Dawkins won’t be there because he was not selected to the roster (for only the second time since 2000.) He will, however, still get a sack.

The Cowboys player who has a playoff win this decade won’t be there because he doesn’t exist.

Patriots WR Randy Moss won’t be there because he’s under house arrest (probably).

Bills OT Jason Peters won’t be there because Buffalo’s airport has eight feet of snow atop it instead of the usual seven.

49ers P Andy Lee will be there, but nobody cares about punters.

Raiders DT Warren Sapp won’t be there because … hold on, he’s still playing?

Saints RB Reggie Bush won’t be there because it’s a football game, not a track meet.

Giants QB Eli Manning won’t be there because they only pick good quarterbacks for the game, not lucky ones.

Stupidest things I've heard this week

And it's only Thursday ...

"The team that makes fewer mistakes in this game is going to be the winner." -- Mike Tirico, ESPN (submitted by Jeff)
        Said just hours before the Super Bowl, when just about everything obvious had already been exhausted. And yet somehow Tirico was both insipid and incorrect; The Giants had more interceptions, more fumbles (but fewer lost fumbles), more penalty yards and gave up more return yards, but still won the game.

"This was Rocky Balboa against Apollo Creed, when the champ was unbeatable. Parade planned, book ready to go to print about their unbeaten Super Bowl season and then they met someone tougher." -- Paul Zimmerman, SI.com
        Forget that he called this the greatest Super Bowl of all time (nice long memory there, Z). Maybe you need to go back and watch your classic movies again. Rocky lost.

"Eli Manning deserves the MVP award." -- Countless sportswriters            Look, it was a big upset, OK? Let's not go crazy. Eli had a good day, punctuated by a game-saving catch by his fourth-string WR and non-game winning interceptions by two different Pats who had passes hit their palms on that final drive. David Tyree (that wideout) and DE Justin Tuck had better games and deserved the extra paycheck. Manning was the 25th rated QB in the regular season, and four good games gets you a ring but not equal billing with Peyton.
        You can say he's the best QB in the NFL 100 times, but it's not gonna make it true. (Hi, Seth!)

Liveblogging the big game

Here’s my take on Today’s Super Bowl, as it unfolds:

3:00 pm – I’m confused why the game is starting so early, but here’s the opening whistle and it’s on! I wonder what happened to the next three hours of nonsense that was supposed to be on.

3:04 pm – The Giants have the ball and should be furious with the refs: Patriots S Rodney Harrison just bit QB Eli Manning in the ear, then tossed him upside down. No flag. Way to have the A crew calling the game, NFL.

3:05 pm – Speaking of calling the game, I’m surprised that Harry Kalas is the announcer. Where is Joe Buck? Troy Aikman? I’m not complaining, but something about this game just seems really off.

3:07 pm – Now LB Mike Vrabel is biting Manning, and the refs still aren’t doing anything! Unbelievable. Manning just bit him back, right on the hairy scruff of his neck. Good for him. He still has that vacant look on his face though – you’d think this rough play would wake him up a little.

3:10 pm – Giants DE Michael Strahan looks better with a beard (a really full one too) but the dog collar seems like a bit much to me. Eli seems to be wearing one too, but he looks the same as every other game day.

3:11 pm – Sorry, kids; Jo just came in and said this was the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet, not the Super Bowl. I thought Strahan looked surprisingly good. And the Patriots defense doesn’t usually bite that much in the first quarter. My bad.

Super Bowl Prop Bet Quiz

Think you can tell the real prop bets from the ones that sprung from my head?

1. 1. The first player to score will have an even-numbered jersey. ($100 bet pays $340)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)


2. 2. Patriots FS Rodney Harrison will get the first personal foul penalty. ($100 bet pays $800)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)


3. 3. Giants OT Grey Ruegamer will get the first holding penalty of the game ($100 bet pays $800)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)


4. 4. Eli throws an INT on his first pass attempt
   ($100 bet pays $800)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)


5. 5. The Giants, Yankees and Rangers will all win titles in 2008 ($100 bet pays $2,000)

Real (BetUS)
Fake (like Eli)


6. 6. Neither team will score a TD in the game
   ($100 bet pays $15,000)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)


7. 7. Neither team will score a FG in the game
   ($100 bet pays $15,000)

Real (BetUS)
Fake (like Eli)


8. 8. The Giants will win by more than 37 points
   ($100 bet pays $15,000)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)


9. 9. The Patriots will score only four points in the game
   ($100 bet pays $500,000)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)


10. 10. The winners will have “World Champs” hats within 1 minute of the game end. ($100 bet pays $300)

Real (BetUS)
Fake (like Eli)


11. 11. The color of the Gatorade used to douse the winning coach will be purple ($100 bet pays $1,700)

Real (BetUS)
Fake (like Eli)


12. 12. Tom Petty will end his halftime show with “Learning to Fly” ($100 bet pays $1,200)

Real (BetUS)
Fake (like Eli)


13. 13. Britney Spears will bring her kids to the Super Bowl
    ($100 bet pays $5,000)

Real (BetUS)
Fake (like Eli)


14. 14. The Super Bowl MVP will thank Jesus first.
    ($100 bet pays $200)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)


15. 15. The Super Bowl MVP will thank no one.
    ($100 bet pays $600)

Real (Bodog)
Fake (like Eli)

Obviously, all of the real bets came from Bodog and BetUS. If you scored more than 10 points, you may have a serious gambling problem.

Suggested Viewing

Suggested television viewing for Sunday, Feb. 3

12 pm – AMC; Death Wish
Appropriate because when most of the country heard yet another significant sporting event would come down to the undeserving fans of New York and the undeserving fans of Boston, we wished for death as well.

2 pm – ABC; NBA (Dallas at Detroit)
It’s always easy to root against any Dallas team, and the Mavs have been in a slump lately. This could be a preview of the NBA championship, if the Mavs can end the recent Dallas post-season choking trend.

5pm – NBC; Bull Riding (from North Carolina)
At least all the bull on this show won’t be about Eli Manning’s supposed skills.

6 pm – ESPN2; Strong Man marathon
You know what’s great about watching these steroid-laden man beasts slug it out in nonsensical competitions? They still have more integrity than the Patriots players.

8 pm – BBC; Dancing with the Stars
Jerry Rice vs. Emmitt Smith on Super Bowl Sunday, and both of them look like jackasses. How can you pass that up?

10 pm – Spike; When Animals Attack
I’m not positive, I believe this is a biography on New England DB Rodney Harrison.

11 pm – DSC; Mythbusters
Among the myths being tested: Successful NFL teams can call a running play on 3rd and one; Sacks don't count if your friend decides to take a dive to help you get the single-season record; Cheaters never win.

Please note: Avoid local Fox stations at all costs on this Sunday. No good can come from the sporting event being televised on that channel that day.

By the Numbers

A look at the Cowboys playoff game, through the relevant stats:

Career playoff wins by Cowboys Pro-Bowl QB Tony Romo (0-2)



Playoff wins for Cowboys WR Terrell Owens since leaving San Francisco



Career playoff wins for Cowboys coach Wade Phillips in his career (0-3)



Playoff wins by the Cowboys in the last decade




Career playoff wins by Cowboys TE Jason Whitten (0-2)



Times before Sunday (since the playoff field was expanded to 12 in 1990) that the NFC’s #1 seed had lost their opening game


Career playoff wins by Cowboys cheap-shot artist S Roy Williams (0-2)



Catches by Cowboys WR Terrell Owens in the second half of Sunday’s loss



Number of Cowboys Pro-Bowlers (out of 12) who have won a playoff game with the team



If I think of more, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, go Pack!

For your viewing pleasure

Scenarios where this Sunday's Giants/Cowboys playoff game could be watchable:

** Giants 6, Cowboys 3 (OT) -- Cowboys QB Tony Romo passes for a mere 67 yards and throws three picks as the Cowboys offense stalls. The Giants manage just two scoring plays, a 35-yard field goal in regulation thanks to a 47-yard pass interference penalty courtesy of S Roy Williams, and two personal foul penalties against the Cowboys D which sets up a game-winning 38-yard field goal. Predictably, Giants QB Eli Manning has just 54 yards passing and four picks.

** Giants 21, Cowboys 20 -- The Cowboys offense sputters all day, and has two fumbles returned for TDs by the Giants defense, but still has a chance to tie the game with a last-second 19-yard field goal. But the snap is bobbled by Cowboys kick holder Tony Romo, who tries to scamble for a TD but is tackled at the two-yard line. Predictably, Giants QB Eli Manning has just 54 yards passing and four picks.

** Giants 2, Cowboys 0 -- Both teams combine for under 100 yards of total offense, and the only score of the game comes on the opening kickoff when Cowboys return man WR Patrick Crayton catches the ball at the one-yard line but trips backwards into the end zone trying to avoid Giants' tacklers. Predictably, Giants QB Eli Manning has just 54 yards passing and four picks.

** Cowboys 49, Giants 42 -- The Giants set an NFL playoff record with 42 defensive points, 28 off of four QB Tony Romo interceptions returned for TDs and 14 from Romo fumbles returned for TDs. But the Cowboys make a remarkable comeback thanks to an NFL record seven -- yes seven! -- defensive touchdown returns off Giants QB Eli Manning interceptions. Celebrating the last-second win, Cowboys WR Terrell Owens breaks his ankle during a sideline dance.

** Giants 2, Cowboys 0 (forfeit) -- All of the Cowboys players oversleep the 3:30 p.m. kickoff, and the commissioner's office declares a forfeit.

    Predictably, Giants QB Eli Manning has just 54 yards passing and four picks.


That's the best I can come up with, kids. Make sure to have plenty of aspirin available.

Final 2007 Fantasy recap

Here's how the league finished up this year:

TEAM: Queen of Smack, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Rodney Harrison

     Remember? Heidi was banned for the year for steroid use, and cheaters never win. Except when they play in Boston.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2047 points, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1576.25 points, 12th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Miami Dolphins

     Jeff is just two years removed from winning the Awesome Cup, which is actually a lot more recent than the last time the Dolphins did anything significant. But he didn’t just finish last this year – he finished way last. I’m not sure we’ve had anyone drop below 1700 pts in a season before. On the plus side, his lack of football knowledge does not disqualify him from becoming the next Miami head coach.

TEAM: Burns Ringers, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 1918 points, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1744.16 points, 11th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: New York Jets

     Joel finished second-to-the-bottom last year too. But remember – coaches love consistency. That’s why Andy Reid couldn’t go with Jeremy Bloom as a kick returner that first game of the season. No, I’m not still bitter that one loss cost the Eagles a playoff spot. Why?

TEAM: Spider Pigs, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 points, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1847.78 points, 10th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Baltimore Ravens

     Coming off a second place finish last year, Anthony/Ravens were the biggest disappointment of the season. He fielded fantasy team killers QB Marc Bulger and RBs Rudi Johnson and Ahman Green and never really got off the ground. Of course, I’m not sure he checked his team the entire month of October, so for playing 75 percent of a season that’s not a half-bad score.

TEAM: The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 1890 points, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1902.84 points, 9th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Denver Broncos

     Props to me for accurately figuring out where Bob would land (for the record, I went 2 for 12 this year, and the others weren’t even close). By the way, somehow Fred Taylor got through the whole season without a serious injury, and will probably end up in the Pro-Bowl. If you needed any more evidence this NFL season made no sense, there you go.

TEAM: Szechuan Bean Curd, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2273 points, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2032.97 points, 8th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cincinnati Bengals

     By using the Bengals as a comparison I meant the football side of the Bengals, not the strip clubs and arrest side. I have no proof Mike does that sort of thing on the side.
     For now.

TEAM: For Who For What, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2180 points, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2078.90 points, 7th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Chicago Bears

     Actual quote from my predictions: “I can’t believe how badly I screwed up this draft … That said, I did get L.T., so it’s gonna be tough for me to finish worse than the top five.”
     Yeah, nevermind about that.

TEAM: Mudslingers of Old, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 1877 points, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2133.76 points, 6th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Philadelphia Eagles

     I mean, who else could I compare him too? His team was McNabb, Westbrook, Kevin Curtis, Reggie Brown and other miscellaneous Iggles. And he finished in the upper-middle of the pack, not a bad end for a first-year fantasy coach but embarrassing for a five-time division winning team. Not that I’d blame the coach for that….

TEAM: I like Bush (Reggie), Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2315 points, 1st Place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2150.95 points, 5th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Minnesota Vikings

     And for the fifth year in a row we don’t have a repeat Awesome Cup champion. Eric tied his team’s hopes and name to Reggie Bush, and we all know how that ends. Did you know only two of the last 30 Heisman trophy winners are in the Pro Football Hall of Fame (Marcus Allen and Barry Sanders)?
     No you didn’t.

TEAM: We Want Detmers, Jo
PROJECTED FINISH: 2222 points, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2206.54 points, 4th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cleveland Browns

     This is the other team I predicted right; Good for me, sucks for Jo. Like the poor folks in Cleveland she fell just short of a successful season, but she finished high enough that she’ll get a crappy draft pick next year. And you just know she’s gonna waste it on another offensive lineman.

TEAM: Updog, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2001 points, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2223.32 points, 3th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Marlyand Racial Slurs

     I have no idea how they ended up in the playoffs, and I have no idea how Neal ended up here. He had one decent RB (Joseph Addai), one actual WR (Braylon Edwards) and a Seattle defense which was apparently the third-best point getter (who knew).

TEAM: Guliani’s Second Wife, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 1798 points, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2289.10 points, 2nd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Indianapolis Colts

     It’s simple – Like the Colts, Jim’s team was led by Peyton Manning and had a successful season culminating in … a pointless second place finish. On the plus side, his strategy of grabbing a QB in the first round and waiting on RBs finally paid off, sort of. RBs as a whole were down this year. The shame of it is if he had picked the actual number one QB (stinking Tom Brady) instead of Manning he would have finished the year with 150 more points, which would have put him in striking distance of ...

TEAM: I Need Linebackers, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 1966 points, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2498.82 points, 1st place
NFL EQUIVALENT: New England Patriots

     Much like the Patsies, Paul put up an unfathomable amount of points, lead the league the entire season and cheated his way to a perfect season (probably – I don’t really have proof he was on ‘roids this year, but I did see his name mentioned in the Mitchell report.)
     Incidentially, if we had stopped playing after the very first week, Paul, Jim and Neal still would have finished 1-2-3. So weeks 2 through 17 apparently weren’t very important.
     But Paul’s boring dominance and obvious cheating (probably) don’t diminish his accomplishment – his name gets engraved on the Awesome Cup, where he will be remembered for all time:


     By the way, Pauly, Ant reminded me that it’s Awesome Cup tradition to take the winner out paintballing and peg him senselessly in celebration of that achievement.

     Thanks for playing, kids. I’ll keep posting all year, so keep dropping back after the playoff games for more anagram insults and long diatribes about crooks and cheaters (Cowboys and Patsies, respectively).