Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Final 2007 Fantasy recap

Here's how the league finished up this year:

TEAM: Queen of Smack, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 0 points, 13th place

NFL EQUIVALENT: Rodney Harrison

     Remember? Heidi was banned for the year for steroid use, and cheaters never win. Except when they play in Boston.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2047 points, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1576.25 points, 12th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Miami Dolphins

     Jeff is just two years removed from winning the Awesome Cup, which is actually a lot more recent than the last time the Dolphins did anything significant. But he didn’t just finish last this year – he finished way last. I’m not sure we’ve had anyone drop below 1700 pts in a season before. On the plus side, his lack of football knowledge does not disqualify him from becoming the next Miami head coach.

TEAM: Burns Ringers, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 1918 points, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1744.16 points, 11th place


     Joel finished second-to-the-bottom last year too. But remember – coaches love consistency. That’s why Andy Reid couldn’t go with Jeremy Bloom as a kick returner that first game of the season. No, I’m not still bitter that one loss cost the Eagles a playoff spot. Why?

TEAM: Spider Pigs, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 points, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1847.78 points, 10th place

NFL EQUIVALENT: Baltimore Ravens

     Coming off a second place finish last year, Anthony/Ravens were the biggest disappointment of the season. He fielded fantasy team killers QB Marc Bulger and RBs Rudi Johnson and Ahman Green and never really got off the ground. Of course, I’m not sure he checked his team the entire month of October, so for playing 75 percent of a season that’s not a half-bad score.

TEAM: The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 1890 points, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1902.84 points, 9th place

NFL EQUIVALENT: Denver Broncos

     Props to me for accurately figuring out where Bob would land (for the record, I went 2 for 12 this year, and the others weren’t even close). By the way, somehow Fred Taylor got through the whole season without a serious injury, and will probably end up in the Pro-Bowl. If you needed any more evidence this NFL season made no sense, there you go.

TEAM: Szechuan Bean Curd, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2273 points, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2032.97 points, 8th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cincinnati Bengals

     By using the Bengals as a comparison I meant the football side of the Bengals, not the strip clubs and arrest side. I have no proof Mike does that sort of thing on the side.
     For now.

TEAM: For Who For What, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2180 points, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2078.90 points, 7th place


     Actual quote from my predictions: “I can’t believe how badly I screwed up this draft … That said, I did get L.T., so it’s gonna be tough for me to finish worse than the top five.”
     Yeah, nevermind about that.

TEAM: Mudslingers of Old, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 1877 points, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2133.76 points, 6th place

NFL EQUIVALENT: Philadelphia Eagles

     I mean, who else could I compare him too? His team was McNabb, Westbrook, Kevin Curtis, Reggie Brown and other miscellaneous Iggles. And he finished in the upper-middle of the pack, not a bad end for a first-year fantasy coach but embarrassing for a five-time division winning team. Not that I’d blame the coach for that….

TEAM: I like Bush (Reggie), Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2315 points, 1st Place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2150.95 points, 5th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Minnesota Vikings

     And for the fifth year in a row we don’t have a repeat Awesome Cup champion. Eric tied his team’s hopes and name to Reggie Bush, and we all know how that ends. Did you know only two of the last 30 Heisman trophy winners are in the Pro Football Hall of Fame (Marcus Allen and Barry Sanders)?
     No you didn’t.

TEAM: We Want Detmers, Jo
PROJECTED FINISH: 2222 points, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2206.54 points, 4th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cleveland Browns

     This is the other team I predicted right; Good for me, sucks for Jo. Like the poor folks in Cleveland she fell just short of a successful season, but she finished high enough that she’ll get a crappy draft pick next year. And you just know she’s gonna waste it on another offensive lineman.

TEAM: Updog, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2001 points, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2223.32 points, 3th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Marlyand Racial Slurs

     I have no idea how they ended up in the playoffs, and I have no idea how Neal ended up here. He had one decent RB (Joseph Addai), one actual WR (Braylon Edwards) and a Seattle defense which was apparently the third-best point getter (who knew).

TEAM: Guliani’s Second Wife, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 1798 points, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2289.10 points, 2nd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Indianapolis Colts

     It’s simple – Like the Colts, Jim’s team was led by Peyton Manning and had a successful season culminating in … a pointless second place finish. On the plus side, his strategy of grabbing a QB in the first round and waiting on RBs finally paid off, sort of. RBs as a whole were down this year. The shame of it is if he had picked the actual number one QB (stinking Tom Brady) instead of Manning he would have finished the year with 150 more points, which would have put him in striking distance of ...

TEAM: I Need Linebackers, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 1966 points, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2498.82 points, 1st place

NFL EQUIVALENT: New England Patriots

     Much like the Patsies, Paul put up an unfathomable amount of points, lead the league the entire season and cheated his way to a perfect season (probably – I don’t really have proof he was on ‘roids this year, but I did see his name mentioned in the Mitchell report.)
     Incidentially, if we had stopped playing after the very first week, Paul, Jim and Neal still would have finished 1-2-3. So weeks 2 through 17 apparently weren’t very important.
     But Paul’s boring dominance and obvious cheating (probably) don’t diminish his accomplishment – his name gets engraved on the Awesome Cup, where he will be remembered for all time:

     By the way, Pauly, Ant reminded me that it’s Awesome Cup tradition to take the winner out paintballing and peg him senselessly in celebration of that achievement.

     Thanks for playing, kids. I’ll keep posting all year, so keep dropping back after the playoff games for more anagram insults and long diatribes about crooks and cheaters (Cowboys and Patsies, respectively).


Jim said...

Second place...Woohoo! I said 17 weeks ago this would be the year of the receiver. I was right. So, very, very right.

Where's the conference championship trophy? I want my name engraved on something.

KidSmartyPants said...


I'd like to thank all the little people for helping me beat even Leo's prediction for the top team. Especially Yahoo!'s fantasy football default rankings. Without them, my draft probably would have gone much differently and I wouldn't have had such a tremendously lucky and fortunate first few weeks. Then, all I had to do, was ride that lead throughout the season. Thanks Yahoo!

Can I do my victory lap around Fort Awesome on Draftsgiving day? Or did I just get myself un-invited from Draftsgiving?

Major Dingus said...

Paulie, all I have to say is...let the pummeling begin :)

Capt. Awesome said...

The victory lap at Draftsgiving is fine -- we're allowed to celebrate along with you by firing paintball guns into the air, right?

Nice work, Paulie. Congrats.