Fantasy League 2022 -- week 7 recap

In light of recent events, here are reasonable criticisms you can still level at Bryce Harper:

** Yes, he hit a game-winning two-run HR in the eighth inning of the clincing game of the NLCS. But why wasn’t it a grand slam? Why just settle for two runs?

** Sure, Harper has proven he can hit in the postseason. But his average is only .410. He still misses more than half the time.

** He seems to curse a lot when the Phillies are doing well. I don’t know that he’s a family-friendly superstar.

** Since Harper arrived in Philadelphia, he hasn’t scored a single touchdown. Not one.

** He only has two NL Most Valuable Player Awards and one postseason MVP. Mike Schmidt had three NL MVP awards and one postseason MVP. So, you know, Harper could do more.

** Harper hasn’t won a World Series … yet.

QB: Joe Burrow, 45.24 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Mecole Hardman, 25.01 pts — started by Bob
RB: Josh Jacobs, 34.54 pts — started by me
TE: Juwan Johnson, 16.63 pts — on the wire
K: Jason Myers, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Dallas, 25.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: De'Vondre Campbell, 12.00 pts — started by me

Second week in a row for Burrow as the top fantasy scorer. Over the last two games, he has tossed six touchdowns, run for another, and totaled 83.74 fantasy pts. For comparison, QBs Justin Fields, Ryan Tannehill, and Matt Stafford don’t have that many fantasy points for the year so far.

Similarly, Jacobs has come on strong since the start of October. In his first three games of the season he has 192 rushing yds, zero TDs and 26.64 fantasy pts. In the three games since? He has 441 rushing yds, 6 rushing TDs and an absurd 92.07 fantasy pts. That total is better than all but seven RBs for the year thus far. Maybe the Raiders should use him in every game, and not just half of them.

“Guys who were supposed to be something” edition

3rd place: Isaiah Spiller, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: San Francisco, -1.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Skyy Moore, -2.00 pts — on the wire

The Niners are the third-best defense on the season, but ran into the blender that is the Kansas City Chiefs offense this week, dropping them down into the worst performers category. Spiller was a speculative “could he be a key backup?” guy at the start of the season who has materialized into little.

But Moore is the real headliner here. The Chiefs rookie wideout was projected to be a key cog in the high-powered offense this season. Instead, he has proven to be of no real use. His only touch on Sunday was a punt-return fumble that earned him the bottom spot in the fantasy rankings. He has totaled 8.19 fantasy pts on the year so far, good enough for the 130th best wideout on the season. But he has made enough money to afford that extra y in his name.


** Coming out of the locker room at the start of the third quarter during the Thursday night game, Amazon Prime sideline reporter (that’s a really weird thing to type) Kaylee Hartung ran up to Saints Coach Dennis Allen and had this exchange:

Hartung: QB Andy Dalton threw three interceptions in the first half. What was your message to him at halftime?

Saints coach Dennis Allen: Nothing. I told him to keep doing what he is doing. The first one was an unfortunate tip, the second was the same bad luck, but that third one was a real killer.

So, maybe say something to him about it then? Not sure the “go coach yourself” approach is the best way to go in this instance.

Unsurprisingly, the Saints did not win the game.

** After Sunday’s surprising loss by the Bucs to the Panthers, reporters asked Tampa Bay QB Tom Brady for his thoughts on the game. His response: "I think anytime you lose, it's not very fun for any of us."

I disagree, Tom. You losing is loads of fun for many of us.

** With the Yankees trailing the Astros 0-3 in the AL Championship Series, NY Manager Aaron Boone looked to rally his team to a comeback by showing them clips from the Boston Red Sox’s 0-3 comeback in the 2004 ALCS.

You know, the 2004 series. The one where the Yankees had the greatest choke job in baseball history. He chose that memory to inspire them.

Unsurprisingly, the Yankees were swept out of the playoffs a short while later.

Since it is the Eagles bye week, I had some extra time to dive into analysis of NFL data. Specifically, I was overdue for dispelling G’s commonly repeated myth that “the team that scores a safety usually loses.” As this is the most exciting play in football, and the only one that directly awards points for to a team for their opponent’s offensive incompetence, it’s a subject well worth the time and effort.

So, I am providing (free of charge!) a link that details all 182 safeties in the NFL since the start of the 2012 season. But, in case you don’t want to sort through it all yourself, here is the relevant summary:

** Teams that score a safety win two-thirds of the time (66.5%).
** When you take intentional safeties out of the picture, teams that score safeties win nearly 70% of the time.
** However, if your team scored a safety on a punt play or running play, it’s probably just dumb luck. Teams giving up a punting safety win only half the time (52%) and teams that have a botched run that results in a safety win only 59% of the time.
** Conversely, if your team scores a safety on a QB sack, it’s an indication your team is headed to victory. Teams with safety sacks win 78% of the time.
** Penalty sacks are also an indication of victory. Teams that commit intentional grounding in the end zone lose 82% of the time, teams with holding penalties in the end zone lose 78% of the time.

Other fun safety facts, since you asked:

** Every team has scored and surrendered at least one safety since the start of 2012.
** Every team has played in at least five games involving a safety since the start of 2012.
** The Colts and the Seahawks have played in the most games involving a safety, with 18 each.
** The Cowboys and Raiders have played in the least games involving a safety, with five each.
** The Lions have scored the second-most safeties of any team (11) but surrendered the least (one). Despite that, they have only a 0.45 win percentage in those games.
** The Patriots have the best win percentage of any team in games involving a safety, with a 0.91 win percentage.
** The Eagles are 4-1 in games where they score a safety and 2-2 in games where they surrender one.
** The Cowboys are the only team since 2012 not to win a single game where they scored a safety (0-1 in those games).

I should have my doctoral dissertation on NFL safeties completed by sometime early next year.

The Cowboys drafted Oklahoma State LB Devin Harper in the sixth round of the draft last spring, but he has been injured for the entire season thus far. That has given him time to watch a lot of other sports, however. And despite all the evil surrounding him at the Dallas facilities during his rehab, Harper’s name still reveals the truth about what he is seeing around him:

Dallas Cowboys new rookie linebacker Devin Harper
** A bold win — Phillies break SD, rock everyone. Now, a race.

When even the Cowboys are recognizing how great the Phillies are, you know the team has something special going on.

** Dad broke his losing streak by stealing one in the weekly picks, so he’s down five on the year to date. Despite that, and despite all the screwiness this week, I’m still picking winners at 63.5 percent of the time, currently better than every single one of the ESPN “expert” picks. 

** Next Sunday the Steelers take on the Eagles and if you though the Pennsylvania election ads have been bad up until now, I have some very unsettling news to tell you about the commercial breaks during that game…

** The latest report from NASA is that all of Kyle Schwarber’s home runs should hit the ground before the start of the World Series on Friday. The agency did not specify if that was the Earth’s ground or that of the moon.

** Mom D pointed out the upcoming Philly sports schedule, and it is both perfectly balanced and insane:
— Oct 28, Phillies at Houston Astros
— Oct. 29, Phillies at Houston Astros
— Oct. 30, Pittsburgh Steelers at Eagles
— Oct. 31, Houston Astros at Phillies
— Nov. 1, Houston Astros at Phillies
— Nov. 2, Houston Astros at Phillies (if needed)
— Nov. 3, Eagles at Houston Texans
— Nov. 4, Phillies at Houston Astros (if needed)
— Nov. 5, Phillies at Houston Astros (if needed)

That’s a lot of Texas and Pennsylvania in there.

Week 7 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 6-1/910.38 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 4-3/928.90 pts
3 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 4-3/923.18 pts
4 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 4-3/872.90 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 4-3/863.68 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 4-3/832.88 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-5/839.06 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-7/489.90 pts

We’ve finally done it — we’re perfectly replicated the NFL’s parity with our family league. Everyone is stuck in the middle, perfectly mediocre. Eileen remains in first (even though she has only scored the third-most points and nearly lost to the loser team this week). And we have five teams tied for second.

We’ve made one full trip through the head-to-head matchups, so we’re starting with our rematches now, which means another chance for me to beat Dad this week. The current Yahoo projections have the final rankings the same and then … every other real team at either 8-7 or 7-8. So they have no idea what’s going on either.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 910.38 pts
2 — Champ For Life (Jo), 887.92 pts
3 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 879.43 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 826.83 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 791.64 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 757.23 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 751.44 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 708.72 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 678.87 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 670.78 pts
11 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 661.14 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 658.34 pts

And just like that, we have a new leader! Mom D has been threatening to unseat Jo for a few weeks now, but used a week-high 153.29 pts to overtake the reigning Awesome Cup champion. I was just a few points off, and Jonathan and Dad continue their assault on the upper tier.

At the other end of the standings, Paul scored 55.07 pts last week and left more than 65 pts on his bench, so things are getting back to normal.

Week 8 features byes for the Chiefs and Chargers (two of the most fantasy-star laden teams), a Thursday night game between the Ravens and Bucs (more big-name fantasy guys) and another 9:30 am London game between the Jaguars and Broncos (gawd help you if you have players in that one). So check your rosters early and often, it’s gonna be a bumpy roster setup this round.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 6 recap

Both the Eagles and Phillies had huge wins over the weekend, with the Philadelphia baseball team vanquishing the Braves in the second round of the playoffs 8-3 on Saturday and the Philadelphia football team defeating the Cowboys on Sunday 26-17. But which victory was better? Here’s a breakdown:

Eagles: First win over the Cowboys in the last four tries.
Phillies: First trip to the NLCS since 2010.
Advantage: Phils

Phillies: Boosted their postseason record to 5-1.
Eagles: Boosted their season-start record to 6-0.
Advantage: Eagles

Eagles: Scored three touchdowns.
Phillies: Hit three home runs.
Advantage: Push

Eagles: Defensive backs collected three interceptions.
Phillies: Defensive catcher collected four bags on an inside-the-park home run.
Advantage: Phils

Phillies: Defeated a hated division rival.
Eagles: Defeated a hated division rival that kills puppies for fun (allegedly).
Advantage: Eagles

Eagles: Played the Phillies victory jam in the post-game celebration.
Phillies: Fans chanted E-A-G-L-E-S throughout the game.
Advantage: Push

Phillies: Made John Smoltz sad.
Eagles: Made Chris Collinsworth sad.
Advantage: Push

This is too close to call. Both teams are just gonna have to keep winning in order to determine which one is bringing the city more joy.

QB: Joe Burrow, 38.50 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: JaMarr Chase, 24.30 pts — started by Mike
RB: Rhamondre Stevenson, 22.60 pts — started by Sam
TE: Mike Gesicki, 19.60 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New Jersey Jets, 21.00 pts — on the wire
D: Quinnen Williams, 12.00 pts — on the wire

No slight to Burrow and Chase, who were pretty impressive on Sunday, but did anyone actually have a good fantasy performance? Only three players scored more than 30 fantasy points (Burrow, QB Matt Ryan and QB Josh Allen), and only two more had more than 25 fantasy points. Last week it was 10 players above 25, the week before it was 12. Sorta feels like everyone took a bye week.

Seeing the Jets as the top defense on the week made me wonder if the apocalypse was upon us. I even typed out "I think the Jets being the top defense is a sign of the apocalypse." But it made me wonder how long it has been since the New Jersey green team has occupied that spot. It took me almost 20 minutes to figure it out, but I found it -- Here was the blog entry for when it happened, in week 1 the 2018 season:

“I’m pretty sure the Jets having the league’s top defense, even through a single week, is a sign of the apocalypse.”

So, yeah. I may be unconciously recycling the same material here. But, it’s a free blog, you get what you pay for.

“General malaise” edition

3rd place: Trent Taylor, -1.34 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Cleveland, -2.00 pts — started by Dad
1st place: Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire

Why football makes no sense, part 794: The Jaguars dominated the Colts on Sept. 18, defeating them 24-0 in a game where they were listed as underdogs. So four weeks later, with the Colts top two RBs out, the Jaguars … allowed 434 yds of offense and 34 points to Indianapolis. Makes sense, they’re clearly a better team without Jonathan Taylor, the league’s leading rusher last year. Jags gonna Jag, I guess.

Trent Taylor is a punt returner for the Bengals who fumbled on Sunday or a generic avatar name for a football simulator game developed in the 1980s. I don’t remember which one applies here.


** Here’s the Associated Press’ summary of the Tennessee/Alabama game on Saturday: “QB Bryce Young threw for 455 yards and two TDs, but struggling kicker Will Reichard missed a go-ahead FG in the final minute that cost the Crimson Tide. Tennessee 52, Alabama 49.”

Yeah, I don’t think the missed FG cost Alabama. I think maybe it was the 52 points they gave up, including five (1-2-3-4-five) TDs to Volunteers WR Jalin Hyatt and the 45 yards they surrendered in the final 18 seconds of the game that allowed Tennessee to kick the game-winning FG.

But, yeah, blame the kicker.

** Ahead of Sunday, Cowboys WR CeeDee Lamb was asked about facing Eagles CB Darius Slay in this week’s contest. His response: “It is what it is. If I see him, I see him.”

Lamb did see Slay … pick off a pass in front of him in the second quarter. Poor choice of words there, buddy.

** MLB took nearly three hours — until 9:45 pm — to postpone Monday night’s Guardians/Yankees game, which in itself is pretty stupid. But it also reminded me of an even stupider, classic moment in MLB history with present-day connections.

Let’s travel back to July 3, 1993, when the Padres traveled to Philadelphia to play the Phillies for a doubleheader. The first game started at 4 p.m., but was quickly interrupted by a rain delay. And then a second. And then a third. And in the end, the first game wasn’t finished until 1 a.m. on July 4. All in all, it was a complete failure of the umpiring crew to let the game last that long.

And then they started game two, at 1:30 a.m.

Yes, in an apparent case of the umpires hating both teams and the Philadelphia fans, they decided to start the second game almost seven hours late, in the middle of the night, just to get it in. The final pitch came in at 4:40 a.m., just before sunrise. The Padres won the first, the Phillies won the second. Mitch Williams — yes the relief pitcher — had the game winning RBI single in the second game. About 1,00 fans were still in attendance, according to the LA Times.

So, if the Phillies get into a rain delay in their series against the Padres this week, be warned. There is precedent for torturing these teams in the middle of the night.

The NFL announced last month that they end the 61-year tradition of the Pro Bowl game and replace it with a flag-football contest featuring prominent players and other ways for personnel to showcase “their football and non-football skills in challenges.”

The league has not yet finalized what those challenges will be, but here are a few on the final list under consideration:

** WR acting challenge: All-pro wideouts will stand on the 50-yard line and be lightly tapped on the shoulder as a ball is thrown in the air. Whichever one flops the furthest away from the “illegal contact” and launches into the biggest tantrum will be crowned champion.

** Coaches math challenge: NFL offensive coordinators will be presented with a series of simple scoreboard problems (examples: team is up by one, team is down by four, team is up by 37) and asked if they should go for one point or two. First one to answer correctly wins. The event is expected to take five days to complete, since they never pick correctly.

** Lineman pie eating challenge: Who hasn’t wondered if offensive lineman could beat defensive lineman in a pie eating contest? Time to find out!

** QB distance challenge: The top QBs in the league will stand at the goal line and see who can throw a football the farthest. And after all the scores are in, Tom Brady will be declared the winner, because the league has to constantly say he’s the greatest at everything.

** Fan appreciation challenge: Select fans from across the country will be flown to NFL Network studios and forced to watch last week’s Bears/Commies game on repeat. The second to last one to leave the room in disgust will be declared the most dedicated football fan in America. The last one to leave the room will be declared legally brain dead by local authorities.

You can probably assume that Cowboys tight end Peyton Hendershot has heard jokes about “staying on target” and “hitting the mark” his whole life. But did you know that Hendershot is a real-life gun owner? And, like many Cowboys, he is also a felon at heart? Just look at what his name spells out:

Rookie Peyton Hendershot
** I shot one tender porky hoe.
** I shot three poky noon deer.
** I shot ten poor donkey here.
** I shoot. Repent or ye honked.

Those kinds of threats should land you in jail. But, sadly, execution threats are just normal conversation at the Cowboys practice facility in any given week.

** Another dominant week for me in the picks against Dad. I picked up three more and now sit plus-six for the season, just three weeks after I was down two. The trick I’m following right now is to pick the Patriots to win, even though they are awful, because this league is awful and makes no sense. Also the Commies got me a win, because that also makes no sense.

** The Eagles have a bye next week, and will still have the best record in football when they return to the field. In fact, they could still be the only six-win team in the NFL a week from now. The only five-win teams are the Bills, Vikings and Giants, and the first two also have byes in week 7. The Giants play the Jaguars, so who knows what to expect there anymore.

** The Sixers and Flyers and Phillies all play tonight and honestly that feels like too much distraction for Philly right now. How is Jalen Hurts expected to attend each one?

Week 6 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Elieen), 5-1/818.18 pts
2 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 4-2/734.16 pts
3 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 4-2/732.52 pts
4 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 3-3-0/787.96 pts
5 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 3-3/774.98 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-3/727.14 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-4/743.30 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-6/412.10 pts

Quite the fall from grace for Mom and me — we’ve combined for five losses in the last three weeks and fallen from the top end of the standings to the bottom. My week was so pitiful that I would have come close to losing to the Dallas duds team at the bottom of the standings. Meanwhile, both Jims and Carl have taken advantage and climbed up the charts, but Eileen still rules the leaderboard … for now.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 776.83 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 757.09 pts
3 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 730.65 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 699.52 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 699.17 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 682.30 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 678.15 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 623.12 pts
9 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 606.07 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 571.49 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 565.59 pts
12 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 563.45 pts

Big weeks by Dad and Jonathan move them into striking distance of the 700-club, but the story of the day is Mom D’s steady climb to unseat her daughter at the top. Her 128.88 pts week was the best of any team (although, all our scores were down because of the first bye) and good enough to put her out of first by just under 20 pts — or as we call it here, one unit of Eagles first-half scoring.

Meanwhile, we had a whopping five teams fail to score 85 fantasy points this week, even with everyone pretty much setting their rosters. Joel got an incredible 18.43 pts from his two starting RBs and three other wideouts. Bob had more points from his defense and two defensive players (16.50) than his three starting wideouts and TE (16.09). Tough breaks all around.

Thursday night’s game will feature the Cardinals and the Saints — two teams you may actually care about, at least until the game turns crappy like it always does — and four teams have bye weeks, including the Eagles. Get your roster set early.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 5 recap

This weekend saw the Phillies sweep their first-round playoff series, the Eagles win on the road to stay undefeated, the Philadelphia Union win to clinch the Eastern Conference, and the New York Mets eliminated from the MLB postseason. It was almost as perfect of a sports weekend as you can ask for … almost. Here’s how it could have been better:

** The Dallas Cowboys and New Jersey Giants could have lost.

** The Atlanta Braves could have announced they were forfeiting their upcoming playoff round because they fear the pain the Phillies will inflict on them.

** The Boston Celtics could have announced bankruptcy.

** The NFL could have announced they were stripping RB Emmit Smith of his rushing records because of any number of improprieties by the Cowboys in the 1990s and 2000s.

** The Eagles could have signed retired K David Akers to replace an injured Jake Elliot for this weekend’s game, and as he lined up for the game-winning FG in the 4th quarter, the snap could have sailed past the holder into Akers hands, where he unleashes a perfect surprise pass to unretired S Brian Dawkins flying down the field for a TD.

** The Flyers could have done … something positive.

QB: Josh Allen, 43.16 pts — started by Dad
WR: Gabe Davis, 24.90 pts — started by Jo
RB: Austin Ekeler, 33.03 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 29.17 pts — started by Joel
K: Nick Folk, 18.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: New England, 27.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Emmanuel Moseley, 10.00 pts — on the wire

Let’s clear this up right away: Taysom Hill is not a TE. He does not play TE. He should not qualify as a TE. But Yahoo for some reason still lists the Saints’ backup QB — who lines up as a wildcat RB or slot WR — as a “QB/TE,” which is not a thing. Hill went crazy this week, rushing for 112 yds and three TDs and throwing for another, to total 37.46 fantasy pts. But he was not the top performing TE on the week, because he is not a TE.

Totally normal stat line for Gabe Davis on Sunday: Three catches, 171 yds, two TDs. That translates into a 98-yd TD catch, a 62-yd TD catch, and a boring 11-yd catch where you have to wonder if Davis was just exhausted from running the length of the field twice already. The Bills WR was tied for 98th place in catches this week and first in fantasy points scored. Go figure.

“No defense for this” edition

3rd place: LA Chargers, -1.00 pts — started by Mike
2nd place: Cleveland, -2.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
1st place: Miami, -4.00 pts — started by Mom D

The Dolphins season so far: They beat the Bills and Ravens — two preseason Super Bowl hopefuls — and have lost to the 2-3 Bengals and New Jersey Jets. After a 3-0 start, the team is 3-2 and down to its third-string QB. I expect them to win their next five before losing the next five after that.

The Chargers were a trendy pick to be a surprise solid defense this year. Instead, through five games they have totaled 16.00 fantasy pts, 4.5 times fewer than the league leading Bills defense (72.00 pts), making them the second worst defense in football. It’d be easy to pick on them if it weren’t for the Lions — the worst team — who have just 9.00 pts through five games. What makes that even more impressive is they scored 13.00 pts in week 2 against the Maryland Commies. In their other four games, they’ve totaled -4.00 pts.


** Headline in the Washington Post on Friday morning: “The well balanced St. Louis Cardinals have an aura of destiny.”

This wasn’t the St. Louis Post Dispatch or a local Missouri TV station website. This was the Washington Post, an East Coast paper with no connection to the third-seeded Cards, the only division winner in the National League not to win 100-plus games. There was really no reason to overhype the mediocre team, but they decided to do it anyway.

Maybe next time stick to reporting on sports and not on auras.

** At the start of the 4th quarter in the Monday night game, the Raiders were facing a 3rd and 17 from the 30-yard line, down four points. ESPN commentator Troy Aikman gave this pre-snap analysis:

“Don’t be surprised when the Raiders go conservative here. Sure, they’d like a touchdown, but they need to make sure to get the points. They’ll look for something short.”

Sure enough, Raiders QB Derek Carr took the snap and … tossed the ball 32 yards downfield into the end zone, where a pair of Chiefs defenders knocked it out of the hands of a Las Vegas wideout.

Needless to say, I was not surprised by the “cautious” play call.

** A short while later, with 4:27 left in the game, the Raiders scored a TD leaving them down 1 to the Chiefs, 29-30. And then they elected to go for two, because analytics, I guess. And they missed. And they lost, 29-30.

Every week, an NFL head coach finds a reason not to tie a game. And most weeks, it hands them a loss.

On Monday, Carolina Panthers Head Coach Matt Rhule was fired after a disappointing 1-4 start to the season. The move wasn’t a surprise (NFL Network’s Peter Schrager actually predicted it on the Bill Simmons podcast last Thursday) but the names being offered up for the next coach canned are much more shocking. Consider the short list:

** Packers Coach Matt LaFleur: Yes, the Packers are 3-2. But they have looked uneven all season, and QB Aaron Rodgers is the moodiest player in the league. He may demand LaFleur’s firing just because he wakes up cranky on Thursday.

** Bears Coach Matt Eberflus: Did you know the Bears have a head coach? Neither did they. He would have been fired two weeks ago if management had realized he was in charge, but the team looks so disorganized that everyone assumed the players were just coaching themselves. When they find him, he’s likely gone.

** Colts Coach Frank Reich: Your team is supposed to get better after you trade away QB Carson Wentz, not worse. Everyone knows that.

** Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni: The birds’ 5-0 start has set unrealistically high expectations for the Philly football fans, especially given that the team has lost 19 offensive linemen to injury and still pays RB Boston Scott to be on the field. Sirianni’s firing would bring the fan base back to their normal panic and pessimism, making everyone feel more comfortable.

** Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: It’s only a matter of time until they find where he’s hiding the bodies of those kittens he has been slaughtering for fun.

After the draft, the Dallas brainstrust poured through college game film to look at which undrafted free agents might be able to help their team. One that caught their eye was Boston College C Alec Lindstrom, whose metrics all looked impressive. Of course, if the Cowboys scouts actually knew what to look for, they would have realized that Lindstrom’s own name proves he is a fraud:

Dallas Cowboys Center Alec Lindstrom
** Boloney crew: Call stats nerds, I’m a clod
.
You’d think their first interview question would be “are you a clod” but apparently they can’t even make the first step right.

** I went 11-5 in my picks this week and picked up three games on Dad, giving me a three-game lead for the year in our weekly prediction contest. Sadly, that also meant accurately predicting that the Cowboys would stomp all over the Rams. I’d have been happy to get that wrong.

** Here’s the thing: If the Eagles go 5-7 the rest of the season, they still end up with 10 wins, which is probably good enough to make the playoffs this year. And the Eagles have games left against the Steelers, Texans, Commies, Bears and Colts.

** The Braves won the season series against the Phillies 11-8 but only outscored Philadelphia by three runs in those 19 contests (88 runs to 85). So, I’m expecting both teams to trade blowouts for the first few games, then maybe have some close ones.

** Admit it, you had no idea there was an NFL coach named Matt Eberflus. In fact, you’re not positive right now that’s a real name. Maybe I made it up? Go ahead and check, I’ll wait here.


Week 5 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 4-1/705.58 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 3-2/697.46 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-2/602.02 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 3-2/601.14 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 3-2/572.36 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 2-3/658.96 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-3/651.44 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-5/348.56 pts

The whole family league is starting to tighten up, with Elieen still out front but our two 2-3 teams actually outscoring three of our 3-2 teams. In fact, the current Yahoo predictions forecast a three-way tie at 10-5 for first place at the end of the year and a three-way tie for fourth at 8-7 (Yahoo still hates Dad’s team, though). Of course, Yahoo’s predictions are terrible, so I expect to see someone break out over the next few weeks.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 662.17 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 633.46 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 628.21 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 613.91 pts
5 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 601.83 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 582.67 pts
7 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 578.01 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 540.98 pts
9 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 512.99 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 487.84 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 482.84 pts
12 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 456.64 pts

It was a nice two-week break while it lasted, but Joanna’s reign of terror has resumed atop the leaderboard. Her squad posted a monster 167.44 pts week more than twice the total of each of our three bottom finishers this week (Paul, Sam and Mike). My mediocre week drops me down to second, with Mom D and Joel lurking close behind.

Jeff and Dad made impressive climbs up the charts, while Mike surprisingly finds himself at the bottom of the pile, searching for answers.

Expect to be searching for more answers next week as we hit our first bye weeks of the season. If you have any Lions, Raiders, Titans or Texans, you’ve got to find a replacement this week. And don’t forget the epic Thursday night matchup of the Bears vs. the Commies. You’re probably not going to find much help there.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 4 recap

Things that have happened since the last time the Phillies were in the playoffs:

— The Eagles drafted QB Nick Foles, who led the team to the playoffs in his second year, then got traded the next year, then spent a few years with two other teams, then came back to the Eagles and became the first Super Bowl MVP in Philadelphia history.

— The Sixers drafted PG Michael Carter-Williams, saw him win the Rookie of the Year award, then traded him away, drafted C Joel Embiid, let him sit out his first two seasons, then saw him develop into one of the best centers in NBA history.

— Katie Ledecky won nine medals over two separate summer Olympics.

— Jalen Hurts finished eighth grade, then went on to high school, played football at the University of Alabama for a few years, and then was drafted into the NFL.

— The Phillies lost 893 games.

It’s nice to be back. Ring the bell!

QB: Jared Goff, 41.22 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: Mike Evans, 22.87 pts — started by Sam
RB: Josh Jacobs, 30.97 pts — on my bench
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 29.93 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Greg Joseph, 18.00 pts — started by me
DEF: New Jersey Giants, 17.00 pts — on the wire
D: Haason Reddick, 14.00 pts — on the wire

Ooof. Not our best week. I left 34 pts on my bench, almost all of it coming from Jacobs, who managed 26.64 pts in the first three games and all of that and more on Sunday. Mike’s QB mistake meant he started Russell Wilson instead … who scared 30.95 pts and was the fourth-best QB on the week. So, not as much damage there.

The Giants may have just barely edged out the Eagles as the top DEF on the week (17 pts vs 16 pts), but Eagles LB Reddick gets the top individual honors. All he had on Sunday were four tackles, two sacks, two force fumbles and two fumble recoveries. I had thought the team outlawed using linebackers in games after the departure of Jeremiah Trotter in 2009, but apparently not.

“Players we started” edition

3rd place: Richie James Jr., -0.80 pts — on Dad’s bench
2nd place: Tampa Bay, -1.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Melvin Gordon, -1.20 pts — started by Joel

Mind-boggling work by Gordon on Sunday, who rushed for 8 yds on three carries and fumbled once (which was returned for a Raiders TD). He’s got four fumbles in four games, but the Broncos lead RB, Javonte Williams, is now out for the season with a torn ACL, so he gets to keep his job. The football gods are cruel

Tampa was the top defense in the league coming into this weekend’s games, but the Chiefs made short work of that. Despite recording three sacks and an interception, the Bucs ended up in negative territory, allowing 41 points. The team is 2-2 and QB Tom Brady was complaining about arm pain after the game. Just saying…


** Just because it’s funny and intentional doesn’t mean it isn’t stupid.

During the Phillies/Natinals radio broadcast on Friday, DC batter Luke Voit was heard cursing loudly as he watched Philly P Zach Elfin sail strike three by him. Phillies announcer Chad Durbin didn’t miss a beat:

“Um, I’m pretty sure he said ‘front’ there. As in, he just threw a ‘front’ side slider to get that strike. Or maybe it was ‘Eflin.’ Yeah, I think he was mad at Elfin for striking him out.”

Very dumb, but very funny.

** With 4 minutes left in the game and the Bills tied 20-20 with the Ravens, Baltimore had the ball on the four-yard-line facing fourth and goal and opted to go for a TD. They failed badly, and Buffalo drove down the field and kicked the game-winning FG a few minutes later.

Ravens coach John Harbaugh justified the decision like this:

"If you kick a field goal there, now it's not a three-down game anymore, it's a four-down game. You're putting them out there, you're putting your defense at a disadvantage because they've got four downs to convert all the way down the field and a chance to again score seven, and then you lose the game on a touchdown."

Not only is that an impressive word salad, it makes no sense. If the Ravens were up by 3, the Bills wouldn’t have gone for it on 4th down in FG range. They would have tied the game. Yes, being up seven is better than being up three. But being up on the scoreboard is better than being tied.

Sometimes I wonder if NFL coaches get paid so much that they forget how to count.

** ESPN came out with its weekly NFL power rankings and the undefeated Eagles are … third. Behind the Chiefs, who lost to the 1-2-1 Colts, and the Bills, who lost to the 3-1 Dolphins. They also put the 3-1 Cowboys behind three 2-2 teams and the 3-1 Giants behind five 2-2 teams.

 
Sometimes I wonder if NFL analysts get paid so much that they forget how to count.

Speaking of undefeated teams, here’s how the last undefeated team in the NFL has fared over the last 21 years:

** Three of them missed the playoffs. This includes the 2014 Eagles, who were 3-0 (tied with three other teams) and finished 10-6 but lost out on the postseason due to tiebreakers.

** Eight lost in the Wild Card round of the playoffs.

** Four lost in the Divisional round of the playoffs.

** Three lost in the conference championship.

** Ten lost the Super Bowl. This includes the 2004 Eagles, who started the season 7-0, and the 2007 Patriots, who won their first 18 games of the season and lost the last one.

** Only one has won the Super Bowl. That was the 2006 Colts, who started the season 9-0 and finished the regular season with a 12-4 record.

So, the good news is that the final team to lose a game at the start of the NFL season has made it to the playoffs almost 90 percent of the time and to the Super Bowl almost 40 percent of the time. The bad news is that it hasn’t translated into a trophy for most of them.

Still, a trip to Arizona in February would be nice…


Dallas rookie RB Malik Davis still hasn’t appeared in an NFL game yet, but pundits are already calling him a prototypical Cowboys team member. It’s not for his play, or course, but because of his terrible depth of character. Just look at what the letters in his name say about him:

Rookie RB Malik Davis
** I like vodka, I rob rams.
** I like a dark boors vim.
** I like karma voids, bro.
** I like doom via ska. Brr.
** I like bravos, I am dork.

Bravo on making the team, dork. You fit right in.

** Won both of my games against Dad this weekend, so we are even on the year so far. Special thanks to the Raiders and Titans, two awful squads that somehow won to give me the edge. At the moment, Dad and I are both picking winners at a 60 percent rate, which isn’t too bad. ESPN has quite a few “experts” below that mark at the moment…

** Don’t look now, but the Blue Hens are 5-0 and have already defeated an FBS school (Navy) on the season. QB Nolan Henderson already has 14 passing TDs, and they’re in the top five in the FCS rankings. It has been 19 years since their last national championship, but a seventh school title could be looming.

** Congrats to Yankees 1B Aaron Judge on his historic march to hitting the seventh-most home runs in a single season. It’s definitely not a totally arbitrary mark.


Week 4 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 3-1/ 576.22 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 3-1/ 565.04 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-1/ 495.94 pts
4 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 3-1/ 449.56 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 2-2/ 465.00 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 1-3/ 518.60 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 1-3/ 497.98 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-4/ 272.98 pts

Unlike the NFL, the family league no longer has any undefeated teams. Mom started trash talking after a positive Thursday night but ended up crashing down to earth by the end of Sunday, losing to my team by 42 pts. Her team has had the softest schedule so far (fewest points scored against) while Uncle Jim has scored the third-most points in the league but sits down in sixth place because he has faced the toughest schedule so far.

Dad gets a much-needed matchup against the Dallas losers this week, but they have managed to score 80-plus pts the last two games. Might be a dangerous spot.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 518.94 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 502.22 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 494.73 pts
4 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 487.21 pts
5 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 484.89 pts
6 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 469.67 pts
7 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 439.18 pts
8 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 431.57 pts
9 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 402.67 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 398.59 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 391.47 pts
12 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 380.90 pts

Just a reminder that Yahoo picked Bob to finish first in the league in its pre-season rankings, because Yahoo’s algorithms are terrible and should always be ignored.

Another week atop the standings for me, while Jo slides down to bronze position as her mother surges up the charts (70 pts from her three starting RBs will do that). Sam was in last place one week ago, but he jumps into the single digits thanks to the highest score of any team over the weekend (130.70 pts). And Jonathan continues to ask if the Chiefs have one of the best offensives in the league, why then is he starting their defense. And I don’t have a good answer.

Another Thursday night game and another early Sunday London game this week, so check the rosters early. And bye weeks start in week 6, so look ahead two weeks from now to make sure there aren’t terrible gaps your roster similar to the gaps in the Jaguars; offensive line on Sunday. Four fumbles by the QB. Yikes.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 3 recap

OK, I’ll be that guy.

Everyone is all jazzed in Philly about how good the team looks and what their potential is. But there are huge red flags with this squad, and fans should be realistic about their ceiling.

For starters, the second-half offense has been dreadful. The team has shown only sporadic signs of life, and hasn’t been able sustain any momentum.

The defense is still shaky. Yes, they made improvements, especially in the middle of the field. But it still feels soft, and you have to worry when they’re going to make a key mistake and cost the team a game.

And let’s talk about leadership. Do you have confidence that the stars on this team can step up and be leaders? Sure, the new guys have looked great, and the young guys are coming along nicely. But great teams have those intangibles in the locker room, and right now you have to question whether these guys have that.

So, everyone needs to calm down. Yes, things have gone better than expected. But for everyone thinking about a deep playoff run for this group, there needs to be a dose of realism.

The fact is even with all their accomplishments so far, the Phillies are still only a sixth place team in the East. A playoff spot isn’t guaranteed.

Now, if you want to talk about a team to get irrationally excited about, it’s the Eagles. It’s pretty obvious that 15-2 is the worst this team can finish and I’ve already booked tickets to Arizona for the Super Bowl in February. That’s a sure thing.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 47.42 pts — started by me
WR: DeVonta Smith, 21.51 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Khalil Herbert, 30.00 pts — on the wire
TE: Mark Andrews, 21.93 pts — started by Ant
K: Greg Zuerlein, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Philadelphia, 21.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: (tie) Denver, 21.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Denzel Ward, 11.50 pts — on the wire

We’re just three weeks into the season and Jackson, the former MVP, already has 12 total TDs and a 20-point lead in the fantasy standings. As someone who had him on a fantasy team last year, when he stunk, and this year, when he is awesome, I’m feeling somewhat conflicted right now. But I’ll take the points.

Welcome to the top performers, DeVonta Smith. All it took was a career day featuring eight catches for 169 yds, one TD, a 12-yard rush and an afternoon of embarrassing the Commie secondary. Not bad for a guy who everyone thought was washed up after a bad week one.

I don’t know how a Bears RB got on this list, I assure you the league is investigating now.

“Players we own” edition

3rd place: CJ Beathard, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sky Moore, -1.76 pts — on my bench
1st place: Chargers, -6.00 pts — started by Mike

Sky Moore was my deep pick to be a surprise rookie this year, since the Chiefs have no clear top wideout. Instead, he’s worth 2.14 fantasy pts through three games. So it may be time to cut him.

Congrats to the Chargers, the first team to bottom out in defensive fantasy pts this season. Minus-six means they allowed more than 35 pts (38, to be exact) and recorded no turnovers, no sacks and no signs of life. In fairness, though they were facing the vaunted … Jacksonville offense. So that makes sense.


** Here’s a brief recap of the Auburn/Missouri game:

— With two seconds left and the score tied at 14, Missouri lined up for a 28-yard FG … and missed, sending the game into overtime.

— Facing 4th and 12 in overtime, Auburn lined up for a 44-yard FG … and missed … but Missouri jumped offside, so they got another chance. They connected and took a 17-14 lead.

— On Missouri’s second play of overtime, from the 20-yard line, RB Nathaniel Peat ran around the end and down the sideline for a 19-yard gain … at which point he fumbled the ball trying to reach for the goal line. Auburn recovered, Missouri lost, 17-14.

 
Not sure I’ve ever seen a team work that hard to lose. And I’ve watched a ton of NFC East games over the last decade.

** Headline on NFL.com on Sept. 18, just before the Eagles/Vikings Monday night game: “Will Justin Jefferson become NFL's first 2,000-yard receiver?”

Jefferson’s stat totals since then: two games, nine catches, 62 yds. If he keeps up that pace, he should finish the year with 618 receiving yards, or roughly the same production WR Laviska Shenault had last year. And, by the way, Shenault has two catches for 90 yds and a TD this week, so I’m waiting for his historic profile now.

** NBC word salad chef Chris Collinsworth gave this recap of the day’s action during the first quarter of the Sunday night game:

“The league got more interesting today, didn’t it? The Bills got beat, the Dolphins are in first place. The Giants, the Eagles, those two teams got beat.”

Solid work there. The Dolphins were already tied for first. The Eagles won. The Giants did get beat ... a day later, on Monday Night football. The Bills did lose, so I guess we should be happy that his rambling had a sliver of truth.
 

The Vikings and Saints square off early Sunday morning in the NFL’s first London game of the year. This will be the first time the NFL has ever played a game in a country ruled by a king (RIP Queen Elizabeth) so the league is making numerous changes to adapt to the new monarchy’s demands:

— An extra “U” will be added to most words in the broadcast to appease the local fans. The game will now feature QBs Kurk Cousins and Jamus Winstun and will be broadcast in America on Fox Sports Netwourk.

— The field will be converted to the metric system. Teams can get a first down after every 9.1 meters.

— Before the game, the fans will stand and sing “God Save the King” instead of the previous tradition of singing “Wonderwall.”

— As a coronation gift, the NFL will give the new king the Jacksonville Jaguars. 

— Joe Buck will be beheaded before the game for crimes against the crown, specifically for ruining the English language.


Most of the Cowboys’ rookie class has been quiet so far this season, both on and off the field. That may seem surprising, but when you start to look closer at them, you understand why. Take, for instance, first round draft pick Tyler Smith. The Cowboys said they drafted him because they liked his “intangibles.” What they really liked was what his name clearly spells out:

Dallas Rookie Tackle Tyler Smith
** A total mockery. Lad likes Hitlers.

Liking one Hitler is bad enough. But liking multiple Hitlers? Disgusting. This team has no shame.

** Dad and I split the weekly picks again this week, although I wish we hadn’t. I knew the New Jersey Giants would lose to the Cowboys but was hoping for a 2-2 tie to embarrass both squads. Dad remains up 2 in the season standings, but I’ll fix that next week.

** Since Joanna asked, if the Eagles/Commies game had ended in a 24-2 score, it would not have been the first time in NFL history a game ended on those numbers. In fact, it has happened three other times, including in the 2012 playoffs (when the Giants beat the Falcons). BUT, Sunday’s 24-8 game was only the second time in NFL history a game has ended with that score. The other time was in October 1975 when the Houston Oilers beat the Lions, and who doesn’t remember that epic contest...

** As predicted, the only two undefeated NFL teams left are the Eagles and the Dolphins. And yes, those two teams have met in the Super Bowl before … in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. So I guess get ready for weeks and weeks of Jim Carrey clips.

 

Week 3 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-0/393.18 pts
2 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 2-1/437.26 pts
3 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-1/420.62 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 2-1/355.52 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-1/335.48 pts
6 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 1-2/367.36 pts
7 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-3/367.24 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-3/189.66 pts

And we have a new leader in the family clubhouse. Aunt Elieen’s upset of my squad coupled with Mom’s win over Uncle Jim puts both of the Garrity women at the top of the standings. The men sit humbled lower down, for now. (Although I would point out I’m still way ahead of Mom in points).

This was also the first week that Dak Prescott didn’t have the lowest scoring team — they beat Jim’s squad by 10 pts. Lucky for him it wasn’t a head-to-head matchup.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 392.31 pts
2 — Champ For Life (Jo), 388.11 pts
3 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 387.73 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 382.75 pts
5 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 357.32 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 356.69 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 355.93 pts
8 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 328.17 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 300.89 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 287.97 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 282.58 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 271.97 pts

And just like that, the streak is over. Joanna just missed making it a full calendar year atop the Awesome Cup leaderboard, but Lamar Jackson and my team did just enough to spoil her fun, at least for a moment. With just 4.2 pts separating our teams, I’m not running any victory laps yet.

Mom D actually had the best week of any team, totaling 154.71 pts and pulling herself up from 8th place to 4th. At the other end, Mike continues to tumble, thanks in large part to that negative Chargers defense and the continued ineptitude of Russell Wilson.

Now is a good time to get those rosters set for the Thursday night game — a Dolphins/Bengals matchup with a lot of key fantasy guys involved. And that stupid Saints/Vikings game starts at 930am, so make sure to check your roster again on Saturday night. And then twice on Sunday. You know what? Just stare at your team until this time next week, when I get the next recap up.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 2 recap

The Eagles snagged an impressive early season win against the Vikings on Monday night, but the celebration over the victory was marred Tuesday morning with the announcement that several players and staff are facing criminal prosecution for their actions during the contest. Here’s a look at the pending charges:

Theft (S Daris Slay): His second interception of the night was particularly egregious, given that as he grabbed the ball he also stole Kirk Cousins’ soul right out of his body. He’s also facing three counts of attempted robbery for dropped picks.

Assault (QB Jalen Hurts): His 26-yard TD run in the second quarter included brutalizing three defenders and then stepping over their crumbled bodies to get in the end zone. Paramedics noted that the scoreboard never recovered from the assault.

Public indecency (P Arryn Siposs): Following a blocked FG attempt, Siposs ran down Vikings CB Kris Boyd and tackled him to save a special teams TD. Authorities said that a punter outrunning a CB is not something that should be seen in civilized society.

Possession of stolen property (PG James Harden): Slay gave one of the footballs he stole to the Sixers star (watching the game from the expensive seats in the stands) so now he’s caught up in this legal controversy too.

Cannibalism (WR AJ Brown): At the end of the game, Brown bit off the head of a defender as a warning to future DBs. That apparently isn’t allowed anymore in the “woke” NFL.

Fraud (WR Justin Jefferson): Weird how Mr. “I’m going to be the first 2,000-yard receiver” was outgained by four different Eagles pass catchers.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 50.86 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
WR: Stefon Diggs, 33.87 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Nick Chubb, 29.93 pts — started by me
TE: Mark Andrews, 17.73 pts — started by Ant
K: Graham Gano, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tampa Bay, 27.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Charles Harris, 10.50 pts — on the wire

I don’t care what you say, Slay was the top defensive performer of the week..

The two top QBs of the week were in the same contest on Sunday. Tua threw for 469 yds and 6 TDs in the Dolphins comeback 42-38 win over the Ravens, overshadowing Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson’s state line of 318 passing yds, 3 TDs, 119 rushing yds, 1 more TD (48.62 pts). After two weeks, Jackson is the top fantasy QB on the season and Tua is third, and the QB in between them is … Carson Wentz? Seriously? This league makes no sense.

“Funny names” edition

3rd place: Chuba Hubbard, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: DeeJay Dallas, -0.58 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Powell, -1.42 pts — on the wire

Usually guys end up on this list because they muffed a punt or fumbled on their only carry. Powell went the extra step to earn his spot down here — he ran backwards 26 yds for a strategic fourth-quarter safety in the Rams win over the Falcons. Combined with some positive return yards, the special teams specialist is now in the lead for the fewest rushing yds on the season, with -23, just a mere 259 yds behind league leader Saquon Barkley.

Chuba Hubbard anagrams to “car had hubbub.” Just in case you were wondering.


** On Saturday night, while announcing an unrelated game, former QB Robert Griffin was reviewing the college football scores of the day and noted that Georgia’s 48-7 win over South Carolina shows that “they’re the only team out there right now that is really dominating.”

Also displayed on the screen while he said that:
#2 Alabama defeats UL Monroe 63-7
#3 Ohio State defeats Toledo 77-21
#4 Michigan defeats UConn 59-0

In fairness, from what we saw from Griffin’s pro career, looking at the second or third read was never his strong suit.

** Driving through the Philly burbs this weekend, I heard this ad on the radio:

“The Eagles take care when it comes to their personnel. And the Eagles take the same care when it comes to selecting their dentists. That’s why you should trust Dudhat Dental Group, the official partner of the Eagles.”

Not sure that’s the tact I would have leaned on in this partnership. The last thing I want to think about while I’m getting my teeth cleaned is whether the doc was vetted by the same people who thought JJ Arcega-Whiteside was a great receiving talent.

** Shout out to all the pundits who last year proclaimed that QB Joe Burrow and the Bengals “would be back” after they lost the Super Bowl. The team is 0-2 now after losing to a Pittsburgh and a Dallas team with backup QBs. Looks like that path to the Lombardi trophy is secure.

During Sunday’s game against the Saints, Bucs QB Tom Brady was seen on the sidelines spiking a Microsoft tablet into the ground in a fit of frustration (even though his team was winning). This is the second time in two years that Brady was seen tossing a tablet during a game, and he even got a warning last season from NFL officials not to damage the expensive equipment (because, you know, the NFL can’t afford to replace them.)

Team officials and Microsoft execs laughed off the incident, but Brady’s actions actually exposed some hidden, deep-seated anger that he has been holding in. Consider the possible causes for his inner rage:

** Microsoft tablets usually weigh about 1.5 pounds, and everyone knows Brady prefers things he has to hold to be deflated to less than one pound.

** Loading times for the tablets are usually under a minute, but Brady gets angry every time he can’t get a play done in less than four seconds.

** The type on those tablets is very small, and Tom Brady cannot read. Really. Not many folks know that. He’s totally illiterate.

** Microsoft is actually a rival for Brady, who has developed a TB12 tablet that stays on way after anyone wants to use it and forbids you from eating fruit.

** Brady just likes to throw things into the ground because he is a petulant baby.

The Cowboys made a bold decision in the offseason not to re-sign WR Amari Cooper and replace him with third-round draft pick Jalen Tolbert. And in the first two games of the season, Tolbert has been … a healthy scratch, because of inconsistent play throughout the preseason. The move came as a shock to football pundits, but it should have been expected, given what Tolbert’s name clearly spells out:

Dallas Cowboys Rookie WR Jalen Tolbert
** A sad joke. Low talent, wobbly coils. Error.

In the Cowboys defense, Cooper only had 10 catches for 100 yds and a TD this week, so he is clearly washed up.

** Dad got the better of me this week, picking up two games in our weekly picks contest. Clearly my faith in the Panthers was misplaced.

** The New York media made a big deal out of the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all winning on Sunday, the first time that has happened since 2009. I’m not sure why, since only two of those teams play in New York. Must just be some regional affinity, I guess.

** Stat of the week from G: Jalen Hurts has 723 total yards so far this season. That’s more than 18 other NFL teams.

I didn’t bother to check if it’s true, because it sounds right and feels fun.


Week 2 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown League

1 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-0, 296.02 pts
2 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 2-0, 281.70 pts
3 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-0, 264.28 pts
4 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-1, 294.14 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 1-1, 248.68 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-2, 261.24 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-2, 247.66 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-2, 107.86 pts

Two weeks in and we’re already got two teams tilting. Dad and Uncle Jim have both lost their first two matchups, and both have to face off against 2-0 teams next week. Meanwhile, apropos to nothing, it’s always good to be the guy who sets up the league…

For the record, I did switch the QB of the all-Cowboys team to make sure that Cooper Rush’s points were counted. It did not help much.

The Awesome Cup standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 295.73 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 267.15 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 245.19 pts
4 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 242.39 pts
5 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 241.32 pts
6 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 239.02 pts
7 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 237.06 pts
8 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 228.04 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 218.03 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 192.15 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 181.28 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 172.54 pts

Anybody remember week 5 of last season? We managed to start all of the top performers, the Eagles were 2-3, and the 2021-2022 NFL season was just beginning. It was also the last time anyone other than Jo was atop the Awesome Cup standings. She’s been in the #1 spot for 15 straight weeks now, the longest such streak in league history (probably. I’m not looking it up). This week’s strong showing came on the backs of NFL greats like … rookie Jets WR Garrett Wilson and Jacksonville RB James Robinson. And with a 28-pts lead over second place, she could stay there for a while.

Great bounceback week for Jonathan and Dad, who climbed from the bottom of the rankings to the top rather quickly. Meanwhile, Jeff and Mom D saw their teams fall off a cliff.

Get your rosters set early — This week’s Thursday game is Steelers vs. Browns, but the good news is that it’s only on Amazon Prime again, so you can’t accidentally turn it on and see the horrors it contains.