Fantasy league 2018 -- week 1 recap

Let’s step into the mind of Atlanta coach Dan Quinn for a moment: Your 2017 season ended in Philadelphia in a playoff game where you held the Eagles to 15 pts but could not convert four goal-to-go downs inside the game’s final minute. You had almost nine full months to think about that before your rematch with the Super Bowl champs in the opening Thursday game.

Now that you’re in the game, your team takes the opening possession down inside the 10-yard-line and gets 1st and goal. And three plays later, you’re faced with the exact same dilemma. So you throw all caution to the wind, skip the FG attempt and go for the TD on 4th down. And you get stopped. Again.

Then, down six with a minute left in the game, you’re back at 1st and goal again. And then you miss a TD on that down. And 2nd and goal. And 3rd and goal. And 4th and goal, but a penalty gives you one last play. And as you fail to convert on 5th and goal, you look up and realize that if you had just kicked a FG in the beginning of the game, you could have tied the score on this play with a simple FG.

I guess my question is this: How many times do you think Dan Quinn walks into his kitchen, looks at the stove and thinks “I bet that’s not hot like last time” as he touches the burner?

Credit to Super Bowl champion coach Doug Pederson for, you know, watching the game in front of him and making enough adjustments to win that game. I’m not sure if he’s a genius or if everyone else is amazingly dumb.

QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick, 50.28 pts — on the wire
WR: Tyreek Hill, 35.07 pts — started by Sam
RB: Alvin Kamara, 34.87 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jared Cook, 16.50 pts — on Ant’s bench
K: Greg Zuerlein, 17.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: NY Jets, 27.00 pts — on the wire
D: T.J. Watt, 16.00 pts — started by Jim

First, some bookkeeping here. Koy Detmer has graced our Top Performers banner since 2009, bringing credibility and gravitas to the section each week. And while he will always have a spot there, we cannot ignore the contributions this year of greatest backup QB in Eagles history, and the only man to ever throw a TD and receive a TD in the Super Bowl. So Nick Foles joins our own Mt. Rushmore of greatness up there from now until the end of time.

Second, dear gawd. Kamara and Hill were top 20 picks, so they weren’t a big surprise. But journeyman Ryan Fitzpatrick (who was not among the 24 QBs drafted by our teams) posting a stat line of 417 yds passing, 36 yds rushing and 5 total TDs was … unexpected. For comparison’s sake, Fitzpatrick collected 88 fantasy pts in all of 2017. But, yeah, drafting a QB early in fantasy is a good strategy.

Also, I’m pretty sure the Jets having the league’s top defense, even through a single week, is a sign of the apocalypse.

Also, having three of the top performers all play on Monday night makes too much extra work for my recap.


“Starting off strong” edition

3rd place: Nathan Peterman, -2.94 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Chargers, -5.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place:New Orleans, -6.00 pts — started by Ant

Don’t worry, Tony Romo crying still stays atop the worst performers section.

The Saints come out the gate with the worst possible score for a defense, allowing 48 pts and recording no turnovers, sacks, or positive vibes of any sort. The Chargers at least got one sack along with their four quarters of suckitude.

And congrats to Buffalo starting QB Nathan Peterman, who recorded a QB rating of 0.00 in his one half of work in the Bills worst opening-day loss ever. He went 5-18 for 24 yards with two interceptions. As always, for comparison, your QB rating on Sunday after you dropped the remote (0-1 for 0 yds, no TDs or INTs) was 39.6. It was the 68th time in league history a QB achieved that dubious honor. But that list includes Peyton Manning, Archie Manning, and Eli Manning, so he’s in good company.

** I’m a little late on this one, but did you know there’s NFL Red Zone channel coverage in the pre-season? During the regular season, the Red Zone channel is great, switching between games to show every score and big play. During the pre-season it’s … utterly pointless, really. Watch the fourth-string QB toss a TD to the 5th-string TE before both get cut the next day.
I’m not saying I didn’t watch it. I’m just saying it’s fairly dumb.

** CBS commentator Trent Green said at the start of Browns-Steelers game that the day before, Pittsburgh RB James Connor said “he likes to run up the middle, between the tackles. And interestingly, that’s how they opened this game, with a run up the middle.”
Trent, that’s not interesting. Interesting would have been Connor opening the game throwing a pass, or spontaneously combusting. What you’re describing is “basic game planning” and “obvious use of available personnel.” Try to bring something better next week.

** Congrats to the Sporting News, which predicted a Saints win over the Chargers in Super Bowl 53. There’s still a lot of games to play, but both teams lost in embarrassing upsets in week 1, so couldn’t start any hotter.

** Browns coach Hue Jackson finally ended his team’s 17-game losing streak … with a tie against the Steelers that featured a Browns’ turnover at the end of regulation in FG range and a blocked FG at the end of overtime that could have won the game. But hey, a career record of 1-31-1 is an improvement, right?

** After throwing his third INT of the game (that one returned for a TD), Lions QB Matt Stafford suffered a knee injury on 2nd and 10 in his own red zone. After he left the game, the Lions punted two plays later, and saw it returned 78 yds for a TD. Despite his pain, Stafford returned to the game on the next series … and threw his fourth INT of the game.

** Seven teams opted to switch head coaches after last season. Those seven teams went … 0-7 on Sunday, in a unanimous display of futility.

** The Titans and Dolphins played the longest game in NFL history on Sunday (thanks to two lightning delays, it took 7 hours and 8 minutes) and the teams rewarded the fans with … three quarters of football with 13 combined points. It wasn’t until the teams passed 5:30 p.m that the squads started scoring, and even then, 14 of the 34 points totaled in the fourth quarter came on kick returns that took less than 13 seconds each.

Another year has begun, and another new crop of Dallas rookies have experienced what it means to be a Cowboy: losing while sacrificing your soul on the altar of evil. And the first one in that line for the 2018 season was Dallas’ top draft pick, LB Leighton Vander Esch. So let’s learn a little more about what kind of person he is:

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes a balding, retrench coven.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves a blackening cretin herd.

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes blanching a reverted con.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves breaching a neck tendril.

** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He likes a concerning veld breath.
** Linebacker Leighton Vander Esch
He loves a cerebral denting. Chink!

Sounds like a Cowboy to me.

** Dad opened the 2018 picks campaign by stealing two right off the bat from me. Why I had faith in the Cardinals and the Chargers, I cannot explain. I may not pick a team starting with C for the rest of the year now.

** The Eagles worked out former first round pick QB Paxton Lynch this week because … someone’s scrabble board fell onto the scouting chart? I don’t know, you have a better explanation?

** The Eagles travel to Tampa this week to face the aforementioned, unstoppable Ryan Fitzpatrick. If the birds can beat the Bucs, they’ll have the inside edge to the NFC South title, with two wins in the division already.

Week 1 standings

1 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 138.51 pts
2 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 136.16 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 127.24 pts
4 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 125.47 pts
5 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 125.14 pts
6 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 123.16 pts
7 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 122.64 pts
8 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 110.94 pts
9 — Character Limit? WTF (Paul), 101.47 pts
10 — Philly Special (Jo), 98.94 pts
11 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 91.61 pts
12 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 91.34 pts

Solid scores and solid name changes on that list (took you long enough). Sam lands the top spot after week one thanks to Tyreek Hill’s ridiculous game (and no thanks to QB Matt Stafford and WR Marquise Goodwin). Joel comes in second despite a terrible, terrible game from QB Marcus Mariota, and Jeff ends up in bronze position with his patented “never gonna start two active defensive players” strategy.

The good news for everyone else? All these scores are pretty even for a change — I can’t remember the last time the first and last place team on a week were less than 50 pts apart.

Does that mean that Bob still has a chance to win? No, of course not. But it’s still early enough to dream. Don’t forget to set those lineups for the Thursday game and hit the waiver wire to plug those holes.