** The Browns (1-1-1) on Thursday won their first game since Christmas Eve 2016 (and only their second game since mid-December 2015)
** The Lions (1-2) on Sunday had their first 100-yard rusher since Thanksgiving 2013, a span of 70 games.
** The Patriots (1-2) have a losing record after three weeks of play for the first time since September 2012. They finished 12-4 that season anyway.
** The Bills (1-2) were 17-point underdogs on Sunday but beat the Vikings (1-1-1) for the biggest gambling upset since 1995, when the Cowboys lost to the Maryland Racial Slurs.
** Eli Manning, QB of the New Jersey Giants (1-2), threw two TDs and had no turnovers in Sunday’s win over the Texans, the first time he has done that in a year and only the second time his last 22 games. It also marked the first time since 1938 (when ‘Snow White’ was released) that a Dopey dwarf has been successful in Texas.
QB: Matt Ryan, 50.16 pts — started by me
WR: Calvin Ridley, 32.13 pts — on the wire
RB: Adrian Peterson, 24.00 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Vance McDonald, 15.47 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Will Lutz, 15.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Buffalo, 20.00 pts — on the wire
D: Bud Dupree, 11.50 pts — on the wire
Worth noting that this list excludes Drew Brees, who threw for three TDs and rushed for another in a win over Matt Ryan’s Falcons. Ryan’s two two-point conversions give him the edge in fantasy pts, but a deficit in the standings.
And for those of you keeping score at home, the top fantasy QB on the year so far was undrafted (Ryan Fitzpatrick), the #4 and #5 wideouts on the year were undrafted (Calvin Ridley and DeSean Jackson) and the #4 RB on the year was undrafted (James Connor). So nobody knows anything about fantasy sports.
“Defenses we started” edition
2nd place: (tie) Green Bay, -1.00 pts — on Sam’s bench
2nd place: (tie) LA Chargers, -1.00 pts — started by Paul
2nd place: (tie) New Orleans, -1.00 pts — started by Ant
1st place: Atlanta, -5.00 pts — started by Joel
Not a good week for defenses: As a league we started three defenses that scored negative pts vs. only one that scored double digits (I started the 5th ranked Rams D, earning 14 pts). Only three of the top six defenses on the year are owned right now. Ant’s starting defense has zero pts through three weeks, for crying out loud.
What I’m saying is, it might be time for some panic waiver moves.
** During the third quarter of the Dallas/Seattle game (which Dallas lost, by the way), SS Jeff Heath went down with a leg injury. Fox talking head Joe Buck reacted this way: “That’s potentially a huge injury for the Cowboys. Jeff Heath is pretty much out there the whole game, be it defense, special teams or whatever.”
What’s the “whatever,” Joe? There are only three phases to the football game: offense, defense and special teams. What does Joe Buck think there is? Offensive defense? Special offense? Pre-game motivational speaking? Confirmation hearings?
** Raiders head coach Jon Gruden (whose team is 0-3) was asked by a reporter last week why the team isn’t having more success pressuring opposing quarterbacks. His answer: “It’s hard to find a great (pass rusher). It’s hard to find a good one.”
In case you forgot, Gruden fought with DE Khalil Mack before the start of the season and traded him to the Bears. Since then, Mack has 11 tackles, 4 sacks, three forced fumbles, one interception and a touchdown in three games.
I dunno, maybe they’re not that hard to find if you just don’t act like a jerk to the guys on the team you just parachuted into.
For no reason anyone can figure out, the NFL announced Maroon 5 as their Super Bowl halftime show headliner in 2019. If league officials were obsessed with that numerical color combo for some reason, here were five options that would have been significantly better entertainment choices:
** Former Cardinals QB Drew Stanton — Like Maroon 5, when Stanton was wearing the Arizona maroon uniforms, he had a lot of talent but couldn’t quite put it all together. Unlike Maroon 5, his bad playing was mainly upsetting to the eyes, not the ears.
** British fireworks — Certain explosive rockets in England are known as “maroons.” They are both more colorful and less painful to listen to than Maroon 5.
** The Maroon Bells — This series of mountain peaks in Colorado is one of the most beautiful and tranquil places on Earth … pretty much the exact opposite of a soul-crushing Maroon 5 concert.
** The FOX NFL pre-game crew — Technically, they’re five morons and not Maroon 5, but they’ll probably be there anyways, so inviting them would limit the damage on the public.
** Five cans of maroon paint — Watching the paint dry would be more stimulating than a Maroon 5 halftime show.
Another rookie learning the inner workings of the evil Dallas empire this season is USC defensive lineman Antwaun Woods. Now, coming from USC, Woods already knows what it’s like to play for a self-absorbed hype factory. But does that make him Dallas material? Just look at the message in his name and decide for yourself:
** Cowboys rookie Antwaun Woods
Wow, boy. A non-stud. A sicko wooer.
FYI, this anagram was almost contained “dude woos boys” but even I have my limits. But the fact that it was so easy to find tells you about the character of these guys.
** Great news! I split the weekly picks with Dad (just barely, thanks Pittsburgh). Bad news: That means I’m still down five in the season series. It’s OK, still plenty of time to catch up once I learn to stop picking Oakland. ** My alma mater, Delaware, got crushed by Carson Wentz’s alma mater, South Dakota State, on Saturday by a score of 38-10. This makes me sad but makes him happy so he probably plays better so I’m happy too? Anyways, I’m conflicted. And the Blue Hens are 2-2.
** USC has a wideout named Amon-Ra St. Brown and frankly I just don’t know what to do with that.
Week 3 standings 1 — Nick 'MVP' Foles (Capt. Awesome), 417.58 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 391.28pts
3 — Witch Hunting (Jim), 371.88 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 370.28 pts
5 — Philly Special (Jo), 361.21 pts
6 — The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel), 346.95 pts
7 — Character Limit? WTF (Sam), 346.52 pts pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 345.79 pts
9 — Kiss A Fish Today (Dad), 319.42 pts
10 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 308.56 pts
11 — We Love the Mud (Mom D), 308.13 pts
12 — SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike), 303.46 pts
Well, well, what do we have here...
It only took me three weeks to reclaim my rightful spot atop the Awesome Cup rankings. It’s amazing what a 50-pts day from your QB will do to your overall score.
Strong showings by Ant, Jim and Jo to climb up the standings, while Sam and Joel both took big tumbles from the week before. But don’t worry. No one in the league is mathematically out of it yet, unlike the Arizona Cardinals, who were eliminated from post-season contention with their third consecutive awful loss on Sunday.
Week 4 starts with the Vikings and Rams on Fox on Thursday night, which is far too good of a contest for a non Sunday match-up. I’ll have to look into where to complain about that.
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