Fantasy league 2018 -- preseason rankings

The draft is over, the teams are ready, and your future is already decided. Here’s how the fantasy league is going to play out this year:

Team: Last Exit to Kutztown (Bob)
Projected Yahoo finish: 2nd, 1934.24 pts
Real finish: 12th, 1645.72 pts
Yahoo may love Bob’s team, but he’s gotta prove that he can climb out of the cellar before I’m gonna rank him any higher. He’s running out there with Todd Gurley, the top RB from last year (posed for a big drop off this season), as well as fantasy stalwarts QB Russell Wilson and RB LeSean McCoy (both poised for big drop offs) and six players already listed as questionable or inactive. On the plus side, there’s a lot of Philly on here, including the Defense and top two WRs (Jeffery and Agholor).

Team: Kiss a fish today (Dad)
Projected Yahoo finish: 9th, 1814.89 pts
Real finish: 11th, 1701.01 pts
Oh boy. Dad’s gonna have an uphill climb with this one. His top three RBs are interesting (Kenyan Drake, Jordan Howard and Ronald Jones) but his WR corps doesn’t feature a single #1 target and his TE (The Eagles’ Dallas Goedert, who we will refer to as Philly Goedert from now on) is also a backup. His QB combo of Andrew Luck and Jimmy Garoppolo could be the best in the league, but he can only start one at a time. Better hope that Jacksonville D is good again.

Team: Cosby’s Sleepers (Mike)
Projected Yahoo finish: 8th, 1851.64 pts
Real finish: 10th, 1740.17 pts
Want a team to hate? Mike’s got one for you! Meet QBs Tom Brady and Dak Prescott. Say hello to Mr. Reliable-but-Boring TE Kyle Rudolph. Welcome back perennial disappointment RB Isaiah Crowell. And there’s just something about WR Marvin Jones Jr. that I just don’t trust. On the plus side, K Matt Prater is … old? So it’s nice that he still has a job.

Team: Witch Hunting (Jim)
Projected Yahoo finish: 12th, 1749.69 pts
Real finish: 9th, 1749.68 pts
Jim gets the best team name of the year but just a so-so roster to pair with it. QB Aaron Rodgers will be awesome until he inevitably gets hurt again. TE Zack Ertz is gold. But RBs Alex Collins and Bilal Powell as your top two rushers? Two more TEs thanks to Yahoo’s screwy rankings? And a Pittsburgh safety as a defensive starter is never a good idea. Best to stay away from those unreliable Steelers entirely.

Team: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Yahoo finish: 5th, 1862.84 pts
Real finish: 8th, 1873.81 pts
Eh? I may draft this exact team in my work league tomorrow, and yet there’s something that feels off. RB LeVeon Bell is always good (holdout right now), TE Rob Gronkowski is a game-changer (when he isn’t injured), QB Cam Newton racks up points (except for the years where he disappears for weeks). And the Minnesota defense is great unless they’re playing the Eagles in the NFC championship game, in which case they’re hot garbage.

Team: For Who? For Wentz? (Ant)
Projected Yahoo finish: 3rd, 1912.33 pts
Real finish: 7th, 1918.17 pts
Ant’s decision not to set his draft order earlier nets him Giants all-pro loudmouth Odell Beckham, so he’ll have to live with himself for that all year. But RB Melvin Gordon and WR Adam Thielen should help ease his woes. He also drafted a WR named Juju and a CB named Adoree, which I assume are some sort of Yahoo typos. But the rest of his team includes a Walker (TE Delanie), a Miller (RB Lamar), a Fuller (WR Will), a Cook (TE Jared) and a Moore (WR D.J.), so the team roster call won’t be too taxing.

Team: We Love the Mud (Mom D)
Projected Yahoo finish: 4th, 1866.61 pts
Real finish: 6th, 1944.99 pts
A lot of oooooold folks on this team. WR Jordy Nelson, K Matt Bryant, and WR Julian Edelman are all deep in their career. QB Drew Brees is approaching 40. WR Larry Fitzgerald turned 45 this offseason. TE Greg Olsen has the body of a 60-year-old now. RB Nick Chubb is a rookie but has the name of a 1930s gangster. But Mom’s top three of RB Kareem Hunt, WR Julio Jones and WR Doug Baldwin are about as good as they come. It’ll be interesting to watch this one unfold.

Team: Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam)
Projected Yahoo finish: 10th, 1814.71 pts
Real finish: 5th, 1979.11 pts
I feel like I always predict Sam will finish lower than he eventually does, so this year I’m picking him much higher than his team deserves. RB Ezekiel Elliott should be a solid points producer until his next suspension, WRs Keenan Allen and Tyreek Hill usually feel like they’re going to be good, TE Jordan Reed and RB Jay Ajayi may or may not be dead. If they are alive, that’ll be great news for Sam’s squad. WR Golden Tate is also here, and someday I will believe that name is for real.

Team: The Garoppolo Gamble (Joel)
Projected Yahoo finish: 7th, 1853.80 pts
Real finish: 4th, 2002.77 pts
Joel gets an automatic 100-pts deduction for not drafting Garoppolo on his team — that’s just false advertising. But, he still fields an impressive alphabetical squad of the Atlanta Defense, RB S Barkley, QB K Cousins, WR S Diggs, S N Ebner, and K G Zuerlein (I may have skipped a few letters in there). On the minus side, there’s not way he’ll be able to pronounce the names of TE David Njoku and S Chris Prosinski after a few drinks.

Team: Nick “‘MVP” Foles (me)
Projected Yahoo finish: 1st, 1950.05 pts
Real finish: 3rd, 2033.34 pts
I felt a lot better about this team before Yahoo picked it to win the league, since those idiots have no idea what they are doing. But I do have the deepest WR class of any squad (AJ Green, TY Hilton, D Thomas, Allen Robinson and AND Randall Cobb) plus the 2016 fantasy MVP RB David Johnson. And let’s not forget that if QB Matt Ryan goes down, I have the best backup in the game: TE Trey Burton, the passer on the Philly Special. Gotta love that.

Team: Philly Special (Joanner)
Projected Yahoo finish: 6th, 1855.65 pts
Real finish: 2nd, 2112.09 pts
The Yahoo fantasy gods did everything they could to screw over Joanna, drafting four TEs for her team (which would be great for our “all TEs” league next year, but not so much here.) And yet his team still looks solid. RB Alvin Kamara and QB Deshaun Watson together may break the network highlight reels (we’re still using film reels, right?). TEs Travis Kelce and Jimmy Graham may be a viable double TE starting set. K Jake Elliot? Hello 50-yard FGs and XP misses. And the New England defense should be better set up this season, given the … sorry, they somehow just gave up another passing TD to Nick Foles.

Team: Character Limit? WTF (Paul)
Projected Yahoo finish: 11th, 1804.58 pts
Real finish: 1st, 2112.11 pts
All the greats know winning is about two things: talent and attitude. Does Paul’s squad have talent? Of course: WRs Antonio Brown and Chris Hogan, five viable RBs (C McCaffery, J Mixon, C Hyde, Duke Johnson, M Breida) and sleepers at TE (George Kittle) and DEF (Chargers). But is that what is going to drive this team to the top? No, it’s the leadership factor. Paul grabbed all-world QB Carson Wentz to shepherd his team this season, and even though he won’t record any fantasy points in week one, you can already feel the winning attitude taking over his group. It’s inspiring. It’s magical. It’s the stuff that wins fantasy championships.

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Speaking of championships, the Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles open the 2018 season this Thursday evening. Don’t forget to clean up your rosters before then, and get your players ready for the grueling grind ahead.

Remember: Even though we all can enjoy the season ahead, only one of you will walk away with the Awesome Cup at the end of the year (And by “one of you,” I obviously mean me.) Good luck out there.

Here's one more reminder of what you are playing for: