The Eagles snagged an impressive early season win against the Vikings on Monday night, but the celebration over the victory was marred Tuesday morning with the announcement that several players and staff are facing criminal prosecution for their actions during the contest. Here’s a look at the pending charges:
Theft (S Daris Slay): His second interception of the night was particularly egregious, given that as he grabbed the ball he also stole Kirk Cousins’ soul right out of his body. He’s also facing three counts of attempted robbery for dropped picks.
Assault (QB Jalen Hurts): His 26-yard TD run in the second quarter included brutalizing three defenders and then stepping over their crumbled bodies to get in the end zone. Paramedics noted that the scoreboard never recovered from the assault.
Public indecency (P Arryn Siposs): Following a blocked FG attempt, Siposs ran down Vikings CB Kris Boyd and tackled him to save a special teams TD. Authorities said that a punter outrunning a CB is not something that should be seen in civilized society.
Possession of stolen property (PG James Harden): Slay gave one of the footballs he stole to the Sixers star (watching the game from the expensive seats in the stands) so now he’s caught up in this legal controversy too.
Cannibalism (WR AJ Brown): At the end of the game, Brown bit off the head of a defender as a warning to future DBs. That apparently isn’t allowed anymore in the “woke” NFL.
Fraud (WR Justin Jefferson): Weird how Mr. “I’m going to be the first 2,000-yard receiver” was outgained by four different Eagles pass catchers.
WR: Stefon Diggs, 33.87 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Nick Chubb, 29.93 pts — started by me
TE: Mark Andrews, 17.73 pts — started by Ant
K: Graham Gano, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tampa Bay, 27.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Charles Harris, 10.50 pts — on the wire
I don’t care what you say, Slay was the top defensive performer of the week..
The two top QBs of the week were in the same contest on Sunday. Tua threw for 469 yds and 6 TDs in the Dolphins comeback 42-38 win over the Ravens, overshadowing Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson’s state line of 318 passing yds, 3 TDs, 119 rushing yds, 1 more TD (48.62 pts). After two weeks, Jackson is the top fantasy QB on the season and Tua is third, and the QB in between them is … Carson Wentz? Seriously? This league makes no sense.
“Funny names” edition3rd place: Chuba Hubbard, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: DeeJay Dallas, -0.58 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Powell, -1.42 pts — on the wire
Usually guys end up on this list because they muffed a punt or fumbled on their only carry. Powell went the extra step to earn his spot down here — he ran backwards 26 yds for a strategic fourth-quarter safety in the Rams win over the Falcons. Combined with some positive return yards, the special teams specialist is now in the lead for the fewest rushing yds on the season, with -23, just a mere 259 yds behind league leader Saquon Barkley.
Chuba Hubbard anagrams to “car had hubbub.” Just in case you were wondering.
** On Saturday night, while announcing an unrelated game, former QB Robert Griffin was reviewing the college football scores of the day and noted that Georgia’s 48-7 win over South Carolina shows that “they’re the only team out there right now that is really dominating.”
Also displayed on the screen while he said that:
#2 Alabama defeats UL Monroe 63-7
#3 Ohio State defeats Toledo 77-21
#4 Michigan defeats UConn 59-0
In fairness, from what we saw from Griffin’s pro career, looking at the second or third read was never his strong suit.
** Driving through the Philly burbs this weekend, I heard this ad on the radio:
“The Eagles take care when it comes to their personnel. And the Eagles take the same care when it comes to selecting their dentists. That’s why you should trust Dudhat Dental Group, the official partner of the Eagles.”
Not sure that’s the tact I would have leaned on in this partnership. The last thing I want to think about while I’m getting my teeth cleaned is whether the doc was vetted by the same people who thought JJ Arcega-Whiteside was a great receiving talent.
** Shout out to all the pundits who last year proclaimed that QB Joe Burrow and the Bengals “would be back” after they lost the Super Bowl. The team is 0-2 now after losing to a Pittsburgh and a Dallas team with backup QBs. Looks like that path to the Lombardi trophy is secure.
During Sunday’s game against the Saints, Bucs QB Tom Brady was seen on the sidelines spiking a Microsoft tablet into the ground in a fit of frustration (even though his team was winning). This is the second time in two years that Brady was seen tossing a tablet during a game, and he even got a warning last season from NFL officials not to damage the expensive equipment (because, you know, the NFL can’t afford to replace them.)
Team officials and Microsoft execs laughed off the incident, but Brady’s actions actually exposed some hidden, deep-seated anger that he has been holding in. Consider the possible causes for his inner rage:
** Microsoft tablets usually weigh about 1.5 pounds, and everyone knows Brady prefers things he has to hold to be deflated to less than one pound.
** Loading times for the tablets are usually under a minute, but Brady gets angry every time he can’t get a play done in less than four seconds.
** The type on those tablets is very small, and Tom Brady cannot read. Really. Not many folks know that. He’s totally illiterate.
** Microsoft is actually a rival for Brady, who has developed a TB12 tablet that stays on way after anyone wants to use it and forbids you from eating fruit.
** Brady just likes to throw things into the ground because he is a petulant baby.
The Cowboys made a bold decision in the offseason not to re-sign WR Amari Cooper and replace him with third-round draft pick Jalen Tolbert. And in the first two games of the season, Tolbert has been … a healthy scratch, because of inconsistent play throughout the preseason. The move came as a shock to football pundits, but it should have been expected, given what Tolbert’s name clearly spells out:
Dallas Cowboys Rookie WR Jalen Tolbert
** A sad joke. Low talent, wobbly coils. Error.
In the Cowboys defense, Cooper only had 10 catches for 100 yds and a TD this week, so he is clearly washed up.
** Dad got the better of me this week, picking up two games in our weekly picks contest. Clearly my faith in the Panthers was misplaced.
** The New York media made a big deal out of the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all winning on Sunday, the first time that has happened since 2009. I’m not sure why, since only two of those teams play in New York. Must just be some regional affinity, I guess.
** Stat of the week from G: Jalen Hurts has 723 total yards so far this season. That’s more than 18 other NFL teams.
I didn’t bother to check if it’s true, because it sounds right and feels fun.
Week 2 standings
Garrity Family Throwdown League
1 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-0, 296.02 pts
2 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 2-0, 281.70 pts
3 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-0, 264.28 pts
4 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-1, 294.14 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 1-1, 248.68 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-2, 261.24 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-2, 247.66 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-2, 107.86 pts
Two weeks in and we’re already got two teams tilting. Dad and Uncle Jim have both lost their first two matchups, and both have to face off against 2-0 teams next week. Meanwhile, apropos to nothing, it’s always good to be the guy who sets up the league…
For the record, I did switch the QB of the all-Cowboys team to make sure that Cooper Rush’s points were counted. It did not help much.
The Awesome Cup standings
1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 295.73 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 267.15 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 245.19 pts
4 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 242.39 pts
5 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 241.32 pts
6 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 239.02 pts
7 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 237.06 pts
8 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 228.04 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 218.03 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 192.15 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 181.28 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 172.54 pts
Anybody remember week 5 of last season? We managed to start all of the top performers, the Eagles were 2-3, and the 2021-2022 NFL season was just beginning. It was also the last time anyone other than Jo was atop the Awesome Cup standings. She’s been in the #1 spot for 15 straight weeks now, the longest such streak in league history (probably. I’m not looking it up). This week’s strong showing came on the backs of NFL greats like … rookie Jets WR Garrett Wilson and Jacksonville RB James Robinson. And with a 28-pts lead over second place, she could stay there for a while.
Great bounceback week for Jonathan and Dad, who climbed from the bottom of the rankings to the top rather quickly. Meanwhile, Jeff and Mom D saw their teams fall off a cliff.
Get your rosters set early — This week’s Thursday game is Steelers vs. Browns, but the good news is that it’s only on Amazon Prime again, so you can’t accidentally turn it on and see the horrors it contains.
Team officials and Microsoft execs laughed off the incident, but Brady’s actions actually exposed some hidden, deep-seated anger that he has been holding in. Consider the possible causes for his inner rage:
** Microsoft tablets usually weigh about 1.5 pounds, and everyone knows Brady prefers things he has to hold to be deflated to less than one pound.
** Loading times for the tablets are usually under a minute, but Brady gets angry every time he can’t get a play done in less than four seconds.
** The type on those tablets is very small, and Tom Brady cannot read. Really. Not many folks know that. He’s totally illiterate.
** Microsoft is actually a rival for Brady, who has developed a TB12 tablet that stays on way after anyone wants to use it and forbids you from eating fruit.
** Brady just likes to throw things into the ground because he is a petulant baby.
The Cowboys made a bold decision in the offseason not to re-sign WR Amari Cooper and replace him with third-round draft pick Jalen Tolbert. And in the first two games of the season, Tolbert has been … a healthy scratch, because of inconsistent play throughout the preseason. The move came as a shock to football pundits, but it should have been expected, given what Tolbert’s name clearly spells out: Dallas Cowboys Rookie WR Jalen Tolbert
** A sad joke. Low talent, wobbly coils. Error.
In the Cowboys defense, Cooper only had 10 catches for 100 yds and a TD this week, so he is clearly washed up.
** Dad got the better of me this week, picking up two games in our weekly picks contest. Clearly my faith in the Panthers was misplaced.** The New York media made a big deal out of the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all winning on Sunday, the first time that has happened since 2009. I’m not sure why, since only two of those teams play in New York. Must just be some regional affinity, I guess.
** Stat of the week from G: Jalen Hurts has 723 total yards so far this season. That’s more than 18 other NFL teams.
I didn’t bother to check if it’s true, because it sounds right and feels fun.
Week 2 standings
Garrity Family Throwdown League
1 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-0, 296.02 pts
2 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 2-0, 281.70 pts
3 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-0, 264.28 pts
4 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-1, 294.14 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 1-1, 248.68 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-2, 261.24 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-2, 247.66 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-2, 107.86 pts
Two weeks in and we’re already got two teams tilting. Dad and Uncle Jim have both lost their first two matchups, and both have to face off against 2-0 teams next week. Meanwhile, apropos to nothing, it’s always good to be the guy who sets up the league…
For the record, I did switch the QB of the all-Cowboys team to make sure that Cooper Rush’s points were counted. It did not help much.
The Awesome Cup standings
1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 295.73 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 267.15 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 245.19 pts
4 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 242.39 pts
5 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 241.32 pts
6 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 239.02 pts
7 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 237.06 pts
8 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 228.04 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 218.03 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 192.15 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 181.28 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 172.54 pts
Anybody remember week 5 of last season? We managed to start all of the top performers, the Eagles were 2-3, and the 2021-2022 NFL season was just beginning. It was also the last time anyone other than Jo was atop the Awesome Cup standings. She’s been in the #1 spot for 15 straight weeks now, the longest such streak in league history (probably. I’m not looking it up). This week’s strong showing came on the backs of NFL greats like … rookie Jets WR Garrett Wilson and Jacksonville RB James Robinson. And with a 28-pts lead over second place, she could stay there for a while.
Great bounceback week for Jonathan and Dad, who climbed from the bottom of the rankings to the top rather quickly. Meanwhile, Jeff and Mom D saw their teams fall off a cliff.
Get your rosters set early — This week’s Thursday game is Steelers vs. Browns, but the good news is that it’s only on Amazon Prime again, so you can’t accidentally turn it on and see the horrors it contains.
No comments:
Post a Comment