This weekend saw the Phillies sweep their first-round playoff series, the Eagles win on the road to stay undefeated, the Philadelphia Union win to clinch the Eastern Conference, and the New York Mets eliminated from the MLB postseason. It was almost as perfect of a sports weekend as you can ask for … almost. Here’s how it could have been better:
** The Dallas Cowboys and New Jersey Giants could have lost.
** The Atlanta Braves could have announced they were forfeiting their upcoming playoff round because they fear the pain the Phillies will inflict on them.
** The Boston Celtics could have announced bankruptcy.
** The NFL could have announced they were stripping RB Emmit Smith of his rushing records because of any number of improprieties by the Cowboys in the 1990s and 2000s.
** The Eagles could have signed retired K David Akers to replace an injured Jake Elliot for this weekend’s game, and as he lined up for the game-winning FG in the 4th quarter, the snap could have sailed past the holder into Akers hands, where he unleashes a perfect surprise pass to unretired S Brian Dawkins flying down the field for a TD.
** The Flyers could have done … something positive.
WR: Gabe Davis, 24.90 pts — started by Jo
RB: Austin Ekeler, 33.03 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 29.17 pts — started by Joel
K: Nick Folk, 18.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: New England, 27.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Emmanuel Moseley, 10.00 pts — on the wire
Let’s clear this up right away: Taysom Hill is not a TE. He does not play TE. He should not qualify as a TE. But Yahoo for some reason still lists the Saints’ backup QB — who lines up as a wildcat RB or slot WR — as a “QB/TE,” which is not a thing. Hill went crazy this week, rushing for 112 yds and three TDs and throwing for another, to total 37.46 fantasy pts. But he was not the top performing TE on the week, because he is not a TE.
Totally normal stat line for Gabe Davis on Sunday: Three catches, 171 yds, two TDs. That translates into a 98-yd TD catch, a 62-yd TD catch, and a boring 11-yd catch where you have to wonder if Davis was just exhausted from running the length of the field twice already. The Bills WR was tied for 98th place in catches this week and first in fantasy points scored. Go figure.
“No defense for this” edition3rd place: LA Chargers, -1.00 pts — started by Mike
2nd place: Cleveland, -2.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
1st place: Miami, -4.00 pts — started by Mom D
The Dolphins season so far: They beat the Bills and Ravens — two preseason Super Bowl hopefuls — and have lost to the 2-3 Bengals and New Jersey Jets. After a 3-0 start, the team is 3-2 and down to its third-string QB. I expect them to win their next five before losing the next five after that.
The Chargers were a trendy pick to be a surprise solid defense this year. Instead, through five games they have totaled 16.00 fantasy pts, 4.5 times fewer than the league leading Bills defense (72.00 pts), making them the second worst defense in football. It’d be easy to pick on them if it weren’t for the Lions — the worst team — who have just 9.00 pts through five games. What makes that even more impressive is they scored 13.00 pts in week 2 against the Maryland Commies. In their other four games, they’ve totaled -4.00 pts.
** Headline in the Washington Post on Friday morning: “The well balanced St. Louis Cardinals have an aura of destiny.”
This wasn’t the St. Louis Post Dispatch or a local Missouri TV station website. This was the Washington Post, an East Coast paper with no connection to the third-seeded Cards, the only division winner in the National League not to win 100-plus games. There was really no reason to overhype the mediocre team, but they decided to do it anyway.
Maybe next time stick to reporting on sports and not on auras.
** At the start of the 4th quarter in the Monday night game, the Raiders were facing a 3rd and 17 from the 30-yard line, down four points. ESPN commentator Troy Aikman gave this pre-snap analysis:
“Don’t be surprised when the Raiders go conservative here. Sure, they’d like a touchdown, but they need to make sure to get the points. They’ll look for something short.”
Sure enough, Raiders QB Derek Carr took the snap and … tossed the ball 32 yards downfield into the end zone, where a pair of Chiefs defenders knocked it out of the hands of a Las Vegas wideout.
Needless to say, I was not surprised by the “cautious” play call.
** A short while later, with 4:27 left in the game, the Raiders scored a TD leaving them down 1 to the Chiefs, 29-30. And then they elected to go for two, because analytics, I guess. And they missed. And they lost, 29-30.
Every week, an NFL head coach finds a reason not to tie a game. And most weeks, it hands them a loss.
On Monday, Carolina Panthers Head Coach Matt Rhule was fired after a disappointing 1-4 start to the season. The move wasn’t a surprise (NFL Network’s Peter Schrager actually predicted it on the Bill Simmons podcast last Thursday) but the names being offered up for the next coach canned are much more shocking. Consider the short list:
** Packers Coach Matt LaFleur: Yes, the Packers are 3-2. But they have looked uneven all season, and QB Aaron Rodgers is the moodiest player in the league. He may demand LaFleur’s firing just because he wakes up cranky on Thursday.
** Bears Coach Matt Eberflus: Did you know the Bears have a head coach? Neither did they. He would have been fired two weeks ago if management had realized he was in charge, but the team looks so disorganized that everyone assumed the players were just coaching themselves. When they find him, he’s likely gone.
** Colts Coach Frank Reich: Your team is supposed to get better after you trade away QB Carson Wentz, not worse. Everyone knows that.
** Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni: The birds’ 5-0 start has set unrealistically high expectations for the Philly football fans, especially given that the team has lost 19 offensive linemen to injury and still pays RB Boston Scott to be on the field. Sirianni’s firing would bring the fan base back to their normal panic and pessimism, making everyone feel more comfortable.
** Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: It’s only a matter of time until they find where he’s hiding the bodies of those kittens he has been slaughtering for fun.
After the draft, the Dallas brainstrust poured through college game film to look at which undrafted free agents might be able to help their team. One that caught their eye was Boston College C Alec Lindstrom, whose metrics all looked impressive. Of course, if the Cowboys scouts actually knew what to look for, they would have realized that Lindstrom’s own name proves he is a fraud:
Dallas Cowboys Center Alec Lindstrom
** Boloney crew: Call stats nerds, I’m a clod
.
You’d think their first interview question would be “are you a clod” but apparently they can’t even make the first step right.
** I went 11-5 in my picks this week and picked up three games on Dad, giving me a three-game lead for the year in our weekly prediction contest. Sadly, that also meant accurately predicting that the Cowboys would stomp all over the Rams. I’d have been happy to get that wrong.
** Here’s the thing: If the Eagles go 5-7 the rest of the season, they still end up with 10 wins, which is probably good enough to make the playoffs this year. And the Eagles have games left against the Steelers, Texans, Commies, Bears and Colts.
** The Braves won the season series against the Phillies 11-8 but only outscored Philadelphia by three runs in those 19 contests (88 runs to 85). So, I’m expecting both teams to trade blowouts for the first few games, then maybe have some close ones.
** Admit it, you had no idea there was an NFL coach named Matt Eberflus. In fact, you’re not positive right now that’s a real name. Maybe I made it up? Go ahead and check, I’ll wait here.
Week 5 standings
Garrity Family Throwdown
1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 4-1/705.58 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 3-2/697.46 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-2/602.02 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 3-2/601.14 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 3-2/572.36 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 2-3/658.96 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-3/651.44 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-5/348.56 pts
The whole family league is starting to tighten up, with Elieen still out front but our two 2-3 teams actually outscoring three of our 3-2 teams. In fact, the current Yahoo predictions forecast a three-way tie at 10-5 for first place at the end of the year and a three-way tie for fourth at 8-7 (Yahoo still hates Dad’s team, though). Of course, Yahoo’s predictions are terrible, so I expect to see someone break out over the next few weeks.
Awesome Cup Standings
1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 662.17 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 633.46 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 628.21 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 613.91 pts
5 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 601.83 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 582.67 pts
7 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 578.01 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 540.98 pts
9 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 512.99 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 487.84 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 482.84 pts
12 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 456.64 pts
It was a nice two-week break while it lasted, but Joanna’s reign of terror has resumed atop the leaderboard. Her squad posted a monster 167.44 pts week more than twice the total of each of our three bottom finishers this week (Paul, Sam and Mike). My mediocre week drops me down to second, with Mom D and Joel lurking close behind.
Jeff and Dad made impressive climbs up the charts, while Mike surprisingly finds himself at the bottom of the pile, searching for answers.
Expect to be searching for more answers next week as we hit our first bye weeks of the season. If you have any Lions, Raiders, Titans or Texans, you’ve got to find a replacement this week. And don’t forget the epic Thursday night matchup of the Bears vs. the Commies. You’re probably not going to find much help there.
** Packers Coach Matt LaFleur: Yes, the Packers are 3-2. But they have looked uneven all season, and QB Aaron Rodgers is the moodiest player in the league. He may demand LaFleur’s firing just because he wakes up cranky on Thursday.
** Bears Coach Matt Eberflus: Did you know the Bears have a head coach? Neither did they. He would have been fired two weeks ago if management had realized he was in charge, but the team looks so disorganized that everyone assumed the players were just coaching themselves. When they find him, he’s likely gone.
** Colts Coach Frank Reich: Your team is supposed to get better after you trade away QB Carson Wentz, not worse. Everyone knows that.
** Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni: The birds’ 5-0 start has set unrealistically high expectations for the Philly football fans, especially given that the team has lost 19 offensive linemen to injury and still pays RB Boston Scott to be on the field. Sirianni’s firing would bring the fan base back to their normal panic and pessimism, making everyone feel more comfortable.
** Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: It’s only a matter of time until they find where he’s hiding the bodies of those kittens he has been slaughtering for fun.
After the draft, the Dallas brainstrust poured through college game film to look at which undrafted free agents might be able to help their team. One that caught their eye was Boston College C Alec Lindstrom, whose metrics all looked impressive. Of course, if the Cowboys scouts actually knew what to look for, they would have realized that Lindstrom’s own name proves he is a fraud: Dallas Cowboys Center Alec Lindstrom
** Boloney crew: Call stats nerds, I’m a clod
.
You’d think their first interview question would be “are you a clod” but apparently they can’t even make the first step right.
** I went 11-5 in my picks this week and picked up three games on Dad, giving me a three-game lead for the year in our weekly prediction contest. Sadly, that also meant accurately predicting that the Cowboys would stomp all over the Rams. I’d have been happy to get that wrong. ** Here’s the thing: If the Eagles go 5-7 the rest of the season, they still end up with 10 wins, which is probably good enough to make the playoffs this year. And the Eagles have games left against the Steelers, Texans, Commies, Bears and Colts.
** The Braves won the season series against the Phillies 11-8 but only outscored Philadelphia by three runs in those 19 contests (88 runs to 85). So, I’m expecting both teams to trade blowouts for the first few games, then maybe have some close ones.
** Admit it, you had no idea there was an NFL coach named Matt Eberflus. In fact, you’re not positive right now that’s a real name. Maybe I made it up? Go ahead and check, I’ll wait here.
Week 5 standings
Garrity Family Throwdown
1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 4-1/705.58 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 3-2/697.46 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-2/602.02 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 3-2/601.14 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 3-2/572.36 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 2-3/658.96 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-3/651.44 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-5/348.56 pts
The whole family league is starting to tighten up, with Elieen still out front but our two 2-3 teams actually outscoring three of our 3-2 teams. In fact, the current Yahoo predictions forecast a three-way tie at 10-5 for first place at the end of the year and a three-way tie for fourth at 8-7 (Yahoo still hates Dad’s team, though). Of course, Yahoo’s predictions are terrible, so I expect to see someone break out over the next few weeks.
Awesome Cup Standings
1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 662.17 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 633.46 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 628.21 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 613.91 pts
5 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 601.83 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 582.67 pts
7 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 578.01 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 540.98 pts
9 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 512.99 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 487.84 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 482.84 pts
12 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 456.64 pts
It was a nice two-week break while it lasted, but Joanna’s reign of terror has resumed atop the leaderboard. Her squad posted a monster 167.44 pts week more than twice the total of each of our three bottom finishers this week (Paul, Sam and Mike). My mediocre week drops me down to second, with Mom D and Joel lurking close behind.
Jeff and Dad made impressive climbs up the charts, while Mike surprisingly finds himself at the bottom of the pile, searching for answers.
Expect to be searching for more answers next week as we hit our first bye weeks of the season. If you have any Lions, Raiders, Titans or Texans, you’ve got to find a replacement this week. And don’t forget the epic Thursday night matchup of the Bears vs. the Commies. You’re probably not going to find much help there.
1 comment:
Dear Capt'n; It is always a pleasure to read your insightful comments. Well, maybe not insightful. I guess I'll just say it's a pleasure to read your comments. Dad
Post a Comment