Super Bowl rooting interests

Not sure who to root for in the Super Bowl as an Eagles fan? Take these athletes with local ties into consideration:

San Francisco 49ers
** K David Akers
-- Spent 11 years with the Eagles, setting team records in career points, FG made, and about 700 other categories. He also completed one pass for 11 yards during that time.
** TE Garrett Celek
-- Younger brother of Eagles TE Brent Celek. He has four catches for 51 yards on the season.
** CB Chris Culliver
-- Second-year defensive back was born and raised in Philadelphia, but played high school ball in North Carolina.
** LB NaVarro Bowman
-- The Pro-Bowl linebacker played college football at Penn State.

Baltimore Ravens
** S Sean Considine
-- Drafted by the Eagles in 2005, Considine collected more than 110 tackles as a defensive back over his first four years. This season, he has played mainly special teams.
** RB Bernard Pierce
-- The Ardmore native and Temple star has been a key backup for the Ravens, rushing for more than 500 yards on the season.
** C Gino Gradkowski
-- Rookie offensive lineman was a fourth-round draft pick from University of Delaware, where he served as a co-captain during his senior year.
** QB Joe Flacco
-- The five-year pro is the highest NFL draft pick in University of Delaware history (18th overall) and arguably the most successful pro player in school history (with apologies to Rich Gannon).
** LB Jameel McClain
-- The Philadelphia native and George Washington High star was placed on injured reserve for the season in late December.
** Coach John Harbaugh
-- Spent nine years on the Eagles coaching staff, and served as special teams coordinator during the team's 2004 Super Bowl run.

The Ravens have an impressive list of Philly connections, but let's be honest -- you really don't care about anyone on this list other than Akers. Here's hoping he gets his ring.

Philadelphia's 1991-1992 season

Key figures in the Philadelphia sports world during the 1991-1992 season:

** Eagles QB Jim McMahon -- 2,239 yds, 12 TDs, 11 INTs. Took over as the team's signal caller when the electrifying yet fragile Randall Cunningham was injured in the early season.

** Phillies 1B John Kruk -- .294 AVG., 92 RBI, 21 HRs. Led the team in most power categories, but never  reached those offensive numbers again in his career (although he did improve his average and runs scored).

** Flyers C Rod Bind'Amour -- 33 goals, 44 assists. Led the team in points but posted only a -3 plus/minus for the season. The team finished sixth in the division.

** Sixers PF Charles Barkley -- 23.1 pts per game, 11.1 rebounds per game. In his last season in Philadelphia, the popular "round mound of rebound" put up all-star worthy numbers for a squad that only posted a 35-47 record.

Why bring them up now? Because 21 years ago was the last time that all four Philadelphia teams missed the playoffs in the same year. With the Eagles and Phillies already posting failures, the Sixers in 9th place in the conference, and the Flyers dropping their first three games of the shortened NHL season, it's suddenly a real possibility again.

The Eagles search for a new head coach

Partial list of coaches under consideration for the Eagles head coaching spot:

** Former Bears coach Lovie Smith (pending)
** Former Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt (pending)
** Seahawks defense coach Gus Bradley (pending)
** Bengals offense coach Jay Gruden (pending)
** Colts offense coach Bruce Arians (pending)
** Oregon coach Chip Kelly (rejected)
** Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly (rejected)
** Penn State coach Bill O'Brien (rejected)
** Retired coach John Gruden (won't return calls)
** Retired coach Brian Billick (really? are we that desparate)
** Retired coach Vince Lombardi (dead)
** Phillies coach Charlie Manuel (pending)
** Patriots coach Bill Belichick (pleading)
** Chiefs coach Andy Reid (probably not)
** Papa John's spokesman Peyton Manning (pending)
** Retired coach Bill Cowher (naaaah)
** Homeless man who just walked by the stadium (pending)

The worst Super Bowl outcomes left

Now that the Maryland Racial Slurs have been crippled eliminated from the post-season, here are the four worst possible Super Bowl match-ups remaining:

5 -- Patriots vs 49ers
The two weeks leading up to the big game would be full of "dynasty vs. dynasty" talk, even though New England has lost its last two championship games and the 49ers haven't been there for almost two decades.

4 -- Patriots vs Packers
Which QB would you rather have: Brady or Rodgers? Here's a better question: Which team can refuse to acknowledge the run game more? Why do we have RBs anyway?

3 -- Patriots vs Seahawks
The Seahawks are responsible for most boring Super Bowl of the last decade (SB XL, also known as the one they handed to Jerome Bettis). The Patriots are the Patriots.

2 -- Ravens vs Falcons
There's a good chance that this could be the first Super Bowl that ends 3-0. There's also a great chance that Ray Lewis will be named MVP before a down is played, regardless how poor he plays.

1 -- Patriots vs Falcons
A battle for the ages: An undeserving Boston fan base that still feels persecuted despite eight sports championships since 2000, playing against an undeserving Atlanta fan base that struggles to sell out playoff games. Both loser and winner whine incessantly.

2012 fantasy recap -- final standings

All good things must come to an end. But before we say goodbye to 2012 completely, lets look back at how the fantasy season shook out:

I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2106.41 pts (7th place)
Actual Points: 1720.68 pts (12th place)
NFL Equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars
Analysis: Much like the woeful Jags, Paul's squad was done in by poor coaching and players who simply quit on the season (I'm pretty sure Paul stopped setting his roster in week 9). But, much like the woeful Jags, no one noticed he was still playing after December rolled around, so I guess it evens out. Paul did manage to set two league records this year -- the most TDs in a week (10, week 6) and the least TDs in a week (1, week 11) -- so there's at least that bit of trivia to keep him warm in the cold off-season.

Fool for Foles (Joanner)
Projected Points: 2147.77 pts (5th place)
Actual Points: 1964.93 pts (11th place)
NFL Equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
Analysis: It's hard to point to one thing that killed Joanner's team this season, but ... no, wait, it's not. It's the same thing that killed the Eagles: Michael "the turnover machine" Vick. He ended the season with more turnovers (15) than TDs (13) and scored fewer fantasy points than luminaries like Brandon Weeden, Ryan Tannehill and Christian Ponder. On the bright side, if she ends up with him again next year, he won't have a "PHI" tag next to his name.

Romney's tax returns (Jim)
Projected Points: 2079.56 pts (8th place)
Actual Points: 2011.52 pts (10th place)
NFL Equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Analysis: Jim ended up with two of the top three WRs in the game, the #3 TE overall and ... not much else, really. He took a disappointing Cam Newton with his first-round pick, preserving his "never take a RB first" philosophy and hitching his ground game to Michael Turner and Jonathan Stewart. Come to think of it, that's the opposite of the Browns, who have a great RB and nothing else. But I know how much Steelers fans like being compared to Cleveland teams, so we'll leave it like that.

Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
Projected Points: 2486.41 pts (2nd place)
Actual Points: 2021.81 pts (9th place)
NFL Equivalent: New York Giants
Analysis: Last year's Awesome Cup champion had some late flashes of brilliance, but like dopey Eli Manning, he won't be defending his title in the playoffs. Of course, we don't have playoffs, but that's not the point. The point is Anthony's team was a wreck and Eli Manning is a dope. That dude tanked two of my other fantasy teams this year and is so awful I've run out of ways to ridicule him. And he has two Super Bowl rings. I have to go throw up again.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2200.08 pts (4th place)
Actual Points: 2047.14 pts (8th place)
NFL Equivalent: Tennessee Titans
Analysis: Jeff had the best team in the league if we used 2011 stats instead of 2012. Matt Stafford, LeSean McCoy, Roddy White, and Reggie Bush all had killer seasons last year. This round, not so much. If you're keeping score, this is the third former Awesome Cup champion to finish in the bottom five this campaign. 2012 was not kind to returning champions. Well, most of them, at least.

Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2146.77 pts (6th place)
Actual Points: 2089.69 pts (7th place)
NFL Equivalent: New York Jets
Analysis: How does a team with Peyton Manning finish in the bottom half of the league? Practice, practice, practice. (Hold on, I'm still working on that joke. I'll come back). Injuries to Ryan Matthews, Maurice Jones-Drew and Greg Jennings kept most of his A-Team on the sideline, and without a Hannibal or Face to bail the team out, they were sunk. (I don't think that A-Team reference works either. Come back to that too.) Also, Dad had Dwayne Bowe on his team, and that guy is fantasy poison. He's the modern equivalent of Fred Taylor.

Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2501.33 pts (1st place)
Actual Points: 2116.60 pts (6th place)
NFL Equivalent: USC Trojans
Analysis: Sixth place is a disappointing finish for ChampMike's proud squad, always a pre-season favorite in the polls. He did reclaim the "best team name" title, but it was a hollow victory. On the plus side, his players probably pull in a smaller salary than the actual USC team does, and his coaching decisions weren't so bad that we're vacating his last championship title. So, maybe there are worse fates than the middle of the pack.

Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2001.03 pts (9th place)
Actual Points: 2153.62 pts (5th place)
NFL Equivalent: Chicago Bears
Analysis: This is Joel's highest finish ever in the league (I'm pretty sure, but I'm not going back to double check), so fifth place is a bit of a victory for him. I picked him to finish worse solely based on taking WR Calvin Johnson with his first-round pick, but that and most of the rest of his choices turned out pretty well. What killed his title chances? QB Eli Manning, of course. Even when he didn't start that dope, his suckiness pervaded the team. I hate that guy so much...

Baby's First Team (Heidi)
Projected Points: 1999.29 pts (10th place)
Actual Points: 2200.97 (4th place)
NFL Equivalent: Seattle Seahawks
Analysis: Very quietly, Heidi put together an impressive campaign this year, slowly rising up the standings to steal a top-four finish. We all know it was steroid-related, of course, but because of the Olympics and the Lance Armstrong case, we simply didn't have the manpower available this year to drug test her regularly. We'll try and get that corrected for next year. In the meantime, we'll put an asterisk next to her finish, just in case.

The Bob-Dammits (Bobert)
Projected Points: 1788.93 pts (12th place)
Actual Points: 2999.09 pts (3rd place)
NFL Equivalent: Dallas Cowboys
Analysis: Everybody was rooting for the groom-to-be to pull out the title this year, but Bob's fate was sealed on draft day when he ended up with Tony Romo. When it came down to the final weeks of the season, with the trophy on the line, Bob's team faltered like Tony Romo in the fourth-quarter of a December game. Unlike the Cowboys, however, Bob will learn from his mistakes, and remember not to rely on those same losers next season. Also, Bob has a soul.

Kickers rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 1864.55 pts (11th place)
Actual Points: 2314.19 pts (2nd place)
NFL Equivalent: Maryland Racial Slurs
Analysis: Sam used rookie sensation Robert Griffin III to mount his own worst-to-first story this season, topping the standings for much of the year and threatening to win his first Awesome Cup championship despite not watching any football at all this year. Seriously, Sam has no idea what is going on in the NFL right now. If you told him the Saints were favored to win the Super Bowl, he would believe you. And he finished second. What are you people doing out there?

T-Old and T-Over (Capt. Awesome)
Projected Points: 2321.21 pts (3rd place)
Actual Points: 2384.55 pts (1st place)
NFL Equivalent: New England Patriots
Analysis: Yes, my friends, miracles can happen. When you organize the league, run the league, and provide in-depth weekly analysis recaps for the league, sometimes you can overcome the odds and win the league too. This latest victory makes me the first three-time champion in league history, and gives me three titles and two second-place finishes in the last decade (much like a certain insufferable Boston-area football team). But, unlike Tom Brady, I'm beloved by friends and colleagues, and don't need fame and fortune to make me happy.

But, if you must, feel free to bow down and admit defeat at the sight of the latest inscription on the Awesome Cup:

Thanks again for playing this year, and don't forget that I'm posting something ridiculous just about every week at this spot. Also, you only have seven months to get your 2013 draft order set, so get cracking. Try to put up more of a fight against my awesomeness next season.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 17

We managed to sneak a recorder into the Eagles locker room at halftime on Sunday to get audio of Andy Reid's final speech leading the Philadelphia football team. Here it is, unedited:

---------------------------------------------------

Five minute warning, Andy. 

OK, guys, listen up. I've been doing this for 14 years, and this may be the last time I speak to you as head coach of this team. So there's a few things I wanna get off my chest.

First, I take full responsibility for our record this year. I know I say that after every game, and I really mean it. But, c'mon, we all know it's Vick's fault, right? I mean, the guy is turning the ball over left and right, he's always getting hurt ... who could have seen this coming? No one, that's who.

Also, this defense has been terrible. I thought signing more cornerbacks would solve our problems, but that didn't work. I just don't get it. Why can't any of you 5-4, 140 pound DBs tackle anyone? I wish we could go back to the days where you had linebackers on the field. But, as you know, drafting linebackers for your team was banned by the league back in 2003.

If I have one regret during my time here, it's that we were too predictable of an offense. Pass-Pass-Pass-Run-Pass? Everyone knows what's coming. You know what would have caught defenses off guard? Pass-Pass-Pass-Trick Pass-Pass. But, no, just because we have talented RBs, "the man" says we have to use them. What a waste of an opportunity.

Two minutes, Andy.

There's just one last thing I wanna say. In all my years in football, the most important lessons I learned from failure, not success. If there's one thing you take away from this speech, it's this one pearl of wisdom. It can make you a better football player, and a better player.

And that lesson is this: No matter what the score is, always remember that ..

Time's up, Andy. We gotta go.

Awww. Crap. I never did figure out that two minute drill. 

Top fantasy performers of the year

3rd QB: Tom Brady, 409.28 pts -- Ant, 4th QB drafted
2nd QB: Aaron Rodgers, 422.63 pts -- Mike, 2nd QB drafted
1st QB: Drew Brees, 432.08 pts -- Me, 3rd QB drafted

3rd WR: AJ Green, 255.80 pts -- Jim, 4th WR drafted
2nd WR: Calvin Johnson, 277.93 pts -- Joel, 1st WR drafted
1st WR: Brandon Marshall, 286.33 pts -- Jim, 8th WR drafted

3rd RB: Arian Foster, 295.37 pts -- Bob, 1st RB drafted
2nd RB: Doug Martin, 296.37 pts -- Joel, 17th RB drafted
1st RB: Adrian Peterson, 341.17 pts -- Me, 10th RB drafted

3rd TE: Jason Witten, 197.27 pts -- Jim, 10th TE drafted
2nd TE: Jimmy Graham, 204.47 pts -- Ant, 1st TE drafted
1st TE: Tony Gonzalez, 204.50 pts -- Dad, 9th TE drafted

3rd K: Matt Bryant, 161.00 pts -- Joel, 9th K drafted
2nd K: Stephen Gostkowski, 166.50 pts -- Sam, 2nd K drafted
1st K: Blair Walsh, 168.00 pts -- Ant, undrafted

3rd DEF: Denver, 221.00 pts -- Heidi, undrafted
2nd DEF: Seattle, 223.00 pts -- Me, 7th DEF drafted
1st DEF: Chicago, 257.00 pts -- Bob, 2nd DEF drafted

3rd D: Von Miller, 85.50 pts -- Me, undrafted
2nd D: Charles Tillman, 92.50 pts -- Dad, undrafted
1st D: JJ Watt, 95.50 pts -- Joel, undrafted

Usually I compile these "best of the year" lists to show how badly we/Yahoo drafted, but except for the RBs, these rankings were pretty close to predicted. And I was surprised that AP fell as far as he did (again, Yahoo's fault, not ours) because he was the sixth or seventh off the board in my other leagues.

So good job to everyone, except for Paul, Jo and Jeff, who didn't manage to land a single one of the 21 top performers on this list. I don't want to spoil tomorrow's unveiling, but they didn't fare well in the standings. 

"Worst performers of the year" edition

5th place: Brock Osweiler, -0.84 pts -- on the wire
4th place: Brit Miller, -1.24 pts -- on the wire
3rd place: Graham Harrell, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Josh Johnson, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Ryan Mallett, -2.22 pts -- on the wire

Four of the bottom five were backup QBs, but the Patriots replacement for Tom Brady takes the title as the worst player of the year. True, he only played a few downs, going 1-4 for 17 yards and one INT (and a rush for -7 yards), but it was enough to separate him from the rest of the fantasy elite.

Although, if we're being honest, Brock Osweiler was the worst player on the year, because, come on, that's a pain in the neck to spell.

Think you know how bad the Eagles season was? Think again.

** The Eagles finished 4-12 for the first time ever this season. It's their worst finish of the Andy Reid era, and their second worst finish of the last 36 years (excluding strike years).

** For the first time in seven years, the Eagles didn't have a rusher or receiver break 900 yards this year. In 2011, it took RB LeSean McCoy only 9 games to top that mark. This season, he managed fewer than 800 yards in 11 games played.

** The Eagles and Maryland Racial Slurs were both 3-6 when the two teams met back in November. The Maryland team had a rookie QB, a rookie RB and a defense ranked last in the league. After that game, the Eagles went 1-6 in their final seven games to finish 4th worst in the league. The Racial Slurs went 7-0 and won the NFC East.

** As a team, the Eagles had 37 turnovers which lead to 137 points for their opponents. On the season, the Eagles were -129 in point differential. The Indianapolis Colts had a -30 point differential, but still made the playoffs (as a #5 seed).

** The Eagles are about to hire the 20th coach in team history. Only one of the 19 previous coaches took the team to the playoffs in their first year. That one was Ray Rhodes, who went 29-34 in his four seasons and 1-2 in the post-season.

Jeff Lurie, at the press conference where he fired Andy Reid:

"These fans deserve the very best, and this year they got a team that wasn't very good."

It took until Dec. 31, but the Eagles owner closed out 2012 with the understatement of the year.

Vikings RB Adrian Peterson fell just short of the single-season rushing record on Sunday, compiling 2,097 yards in his 16 games this year. To show just how impressive that effort was, here's a few comparisons to help put that number in no perspective whatsoever:

 ** Peterson's rushing total was more than the combined season total of all seven NFL coaches fired on Monday.

** If you laid all 2,097 yards end to end, you'd have a line just short of 2,100 yards.

** If Peterson's rushing yards were passing yards, he'd have covered more ground than QBs like Chad Henne, Matt Cassell and Nick Foles.

** Peterson rushed for 969 yards in his last six games alone, which would have been good enough for 18th on the season rushing leaders list.

** Peterson now holds the single-season rushing record for all players whose names start in the second half of the alphabet, N through Z.

On Sunday, for the third time in five years, the Cowboys had a chance to clinch the division title in the final game of the season. And, on Sunday, for the third time in five years, the Cowboys lost. And that's wonderful.

A huge part of that loss was a dreadful fourth-quarter INT by Dallas QB Tony Romo, his third of the game. That kind of terrible play shouldn't be surprised to anyone with anagram expertise (or anyone who has seen him play over the last seven years): 

Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo, clutch performer

** Quart of choke, crumb 'o terror. No calm. Wept, cry. 

It's been an awful football season , but at least today you can drink in some sad Dallas tears to help wash the terrible taste out of the year.

** Congrats to Dad, who defeated my momentum in the final week of the regular season and finished the year three ahead in our annual picks. For the record, I went 160-106 on the year, a 62.5.6 win percentage. Dad's 163-103 record put him just a hair under 64 percent correct. Both of those scores are better than 10 of ESPN's 12 football experts, as well as the popular picks and computer projections. There's really no reason why we couldn't do this for a living.

** Props to Jim, who in the final week of the season cut all of his backups and picked up a slew of mediocre Eagles to fill out his team. As a result, he lead the league in drops and disappointment this week.

** While we're talking about Steelers fans, it's worth noting that this is the first years since the 1999 season -- when Andy Reid started his stint with the Eagles -- that neither Pennsylvania team has made the playoffs. And what happened after that post-season? A disaster of an national election process and the start of a decade-long division in the country. It's not a coincidence, my friends.

** Only 43 days until pitchers and catchers report. It'll be tough to last between now and then, since there will be no sports worth watching over the next month.

Final standings ... will be unveiled tomorrow, in our season recap and annual awarding of the Awesome Cup.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 16

Christmas gifts available at NFL.com that just hit the bargain bin:

-- New York Jets Mark Sanchez jersey
-- Andy Reid "coach for life" Eagles caps
-- Commemorative plate: Jerry Rice's unbreakable single-season receiving record
-- New York Jets Tim Tebow jersey
-- New York Giants "back-to-back champions" t-shirt
-- "Play like Mike Vick" instructional DVDs
-- Atlanta Falcons playoff tickets
-- New York Jets "I'm a fan" t-shirt

QB: Tony Romo, 40.64 pts -- on the wire
WR: Dez Bryant, 35.93 pts -- started by Heidi
RB: Reggie Bush, 31.30 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Lance Kendricks, 17.93 pts -- on the wire
K: Justin Tucker, 15.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Chicago, 28.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: Charles Tillman, 12.50 pts -- started by Dad

Sure, Bob probably would be in first place right now if he had kept Tony Romo on his squad. But winning without any integrity isn't winning at all, and Bob is the kind of respectable gentleman who understands that. So, sure, Bob cost himself 27 pts and maybe a title chance, but I know he can sleep better tonight knowing he's playing the game right. And that kind of noble play should be worth some points in the standings.

It's not, and I have no intention to make that adjustment, but it should be.

"Players who I may have made up, because their names are kinda generic-ridiculous" edition

3rd place: Joe Adams, -1.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Beanie Wells, -1.70 pts -- on the wire
1st place: TJ Yates, -2.20 pts -- on the wire

Just missing the top three -- my favorite name in all of football, Baltimore QB Tyrod Taylor. Named after St. Tyrod of Lourdes, of course.

The Dallas Cowboys and Maryland Racial Slurs will square off next Sunday in a finale that will determine the winner of the NFC East. Both franchises are wretched, so picking a rooting interest will be difficult. Here's a few outcomes that would be acceptable:

** Racial Slurs 2, Cowboys 0
The winning score comes on the final play of the game, when a disgusted QB Tony Romo turns from his offensive line, throws the football out the back of his own end zone, and retires from football.

** Racial Slurs 49, Cowboys 3
Maryland QB Robert Griffin III throws for only 96 yards in the victory, but the team scores seven defensive touchdowns on Dallas turnovers, including one where WR Dez Bryant has the ball and his arm ripped away from his body.

** Racial Slurs 0, Cowboys 0 (Overtimes)
The tie technically wins the NFC East for the Racial Slurs, but the NFL is so horrified by the display of bad football that they bar both teams from the post-season.

** Racial Slurs 9, Cowboys 0
Dallas forfeits the game, saying they won't play football anymore "for the good of humanity." Griffin sprains
his ankle celebrating.

Please note -- there is no acceptable scenario that puts Dallas in the post-season.

You may have thought that Saturday night's football game was just another oddly-timed NFL contest. Oh, no. It was actually, as ESPN told us all week long, "a special Saturday night edition of Monday night football."

It couldn't just be "Saturday night football." That'd be stupid.

I didn't check for sure, but when ESPN showed those highlights on Monday, I'm sure they called them "special Monday night highlights of the special Saturday night edition of Monday night football, which isn't on tonight."

In case you missed it on Sunday, the Eagles trailed 27-20 with just a few moments left, and got the ball in the red zone with a chance to win, only to come up short. QB Nick Foles missed a wide-open wideout in the end zone, then intentionally grounded the ball with one-second left to force an end to the game.

So, just to recap, the game had:

-- A flashy offensive performance
-- An inaccurate QB
-- Poor clock management at the end
-- An overall feeling of disappointment

Yep, I feel like that was fitting for Andy Reid's last home game with the Eagles. 

Tis the season ... for more Cowpokes evil. Even during the holidays, everything about this team is bent towards chaos on Earth and bad will toward men. Even Santa Claus can't stop them, because, well ...

Dallas Cowboys player's favorite Christmas morn present
** Merry coven sobs alarm: We hit Santa. Crippled Frosty also.

How do you even cripple Frosty? Dude doesn't have legs to break. Pure evil, these guys.

Week 16 standings

One week left, and it's gonna take a heck of an effort for Bob or Sam to stave off my third Awesome Cup title. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I'm already buying trophy polish.


** Picked up one more on Dad in our weekly picks. I'm down two with one week left. It's now or never. Do or die. Put up or shut up. Peanut butter or jelly.

** Going into last week's games, a gaggle of sports pundits picked Indianapolis to upset Houston because the Colts' offense was hot, the Texans defense was sagging and Houston's record was inflated. Houston easily beat up on the second-place Indy squad, 29-17. The two teams are set to square off next week again. Indy is already in the playoffs and has no motivation in the game. Houston could miss out on a first-round bye with a loss. Naturally, the NBC Sunday night crew picked Indy to win, because logic, that's why.

** Foles broke his hand and won't be playing in the Eagles finale, so their starting Vick instead. And that's odd, since Vick broke his throwing hand earlier this year. Wait, it wasn't broken? Then why did he have all those turnovers? Oh, he sucks. That's right.

** A Christmas edition of the recap. That's dedication, boys and girls. I'm like the Santa Claus of sports blogging. Only I do it without festive elf slave labor.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 15

The Mayan apocalypse is scheduled for this Friday, time to be determined. If there's any doubt that the world is going to end, consider the following football facts: 

** The Maryland Racial Slurs are in first place.

** The New York Jets still can make the playoffs.  

** The single-season rushing record and receiving record both could fall this month, one year after the single-season passing mark was broken.

** The Arizona Cardinals (5-9) are longing for the days of QB Kevin Kolb (4-2 in games he played). 

** The Seattle Seahawks are a more likely playoff team than the Pittsburgh Steelers.

** QB Eli Manning could easily end up with a third Super Bowl ring next month. 

After looking at that list, I am looking forward to the end of days. 

QB: Russell Wilson, 41.40 pts -- on the wire
WR: Andre Johnson, 27.07 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Adrian Peterson, 27.20 pts -- started by me
TE: Dennis Pitta, 27.33 pts -- on my bench
K: Blair Walsh, 25.00 pts -- started by Ant
DEF: Arizona, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: JJ Watt, 13.00 pts -- started by Joel

Second week in a row I left a top performer on my bench (that'll teach me to make fun of Heidi) but I started the #2 QB (Drew Brees) and #2 TE (Aaron Hernandez), so don't worry about me too much.

"Players I was sure retired" edition

3rd place: Luke McCown, -0.30 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Shane Vereen, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Mewelde Moore, -0.90 pts -- on the wire

Did you know that Mewelde Moore (his name means "the welder" in Finnish) has been in the league for nine years, plaed for 120 games, and accumulated more than 2,200 rushing yards? That's like 18 games worth of work for Adrian Peterson.

Remember when both Luke McCown and Josh McCown were considered possible starters in the NFL? No? Lucky you.

Possible Christmas gifts I saw on display at a Philly-area Modell's this weekend:

-- Lego Mike Vick, $13
It came with it's own football, but the figurine somehow he fumbled it away.
-- Jonathan Papelbon bleacher mask, $11
This was just Papelbon's face, with an elastic band. It was as scary as it sounds.
-- Sean Couturier Jersey, price unknown
When I went to look at the tag, an NHL official appeared and prevented me from seeing any more.
-- Andrew Bynum T-shirt jersey, $25
It was sitting on a broken hanger. Go figure.
-- Nnamdi Asomugha jersey, 25 percent off
But the jersey was so small it didn't cover anything ... much like the CB himself.
-- Michael Young t-shirt, $15
Is it sad when the most exciting thing in the store is the new guy's shirt?

ESPN had a story on its web front Monday that Racial Slurs QB Robert Griffin III has the top selling jersey in the NFL this year, a combination of his remarkable play thus far and the team's sudden resurgence.

They also had a sidebar titled "Griffin will still be the starter after injury," clarifying that the rookie, whom the team spend three first-round draft picks to get, will not be permanently replaced by fifth-round backup QB Kirk Cousins, who performed well in a win over the Browns on Sunday.

That's a bold and surprising decision, said no one anywhere in America.

NFL teams posted four shutouts this weekend, the most ever in a single day in league history (probably not. I didn't bother to look it up, but that doesn't seem too high. Also, there were only three shutouts). Here's a look at just how bad each one was:

4 -- Falcons 34, Giants 0
Analysis: The least surprising of the blowouts on Sunday. Atlanta dominated every aspect of this game, and everyone in America knows that when these two meet again in the playoffs, the Giants will win by 20. New York doesn't start trying until it has to.

3 -- Saints 41, Bucs 0
Analysis: An ugly, ugly game for Tampa Bay, but New Orleans is the kind of team that routinely pulls these kind of blowouts. Still, following a soul-crushing loss to the hapless Eagles with a goose-egg performance to a division rival is embarrassing.

2 -- Dolphins 24, Jaguars 3
Analysis: How bad is Jacksonville? They're so awful, they can't even get shut out right. They kicked a FG in the first five minutes of the game, then stopped playing any offense or defense for the next 55 minutes.


1 -- Raiders 15, Chiefs 0
Analysis: Kansas City had 119 yards of total offense on Sunday and lost to a team that never scored a touchdown. The two teams had a combined 5-21 record coming into the contest. There's no way to pretend this wasn't the worst game in the NFL all season.

The Cowboys on Sunday picked up their second overtime win this season against an AFC Central opponent  (seriously, Pittsburgh, you guys stink). The victory puts them in a three-way tie for first place with the New Jersey Giants and aforementioned Maryland Racial Slurs, which means ... oh, hell, I'll just let the anagram say it:

** Dallas Cowboys defeat yet another squad in overtime 
Yo, dead era quote: The NFC East is really bad now. Vomit.

Is it too late to petition the league and ask that none of these teams get in the post-season?

Week 15 standings

Ahem. That's more like it.

Sam's bold decision to start an injured, benched RG3 and my second 180-plus pt week of the year helped me erase a 55-pt deficit and reclaim the top spot in the rankings. With two weeks left in the season, it's still anyone's title to grab.

... as long as anyone is Sam, Bob or I. Maybe Joel, if he has two unbelievable, record-breaking weekends. Definitely not Anthony.

** Picked up two more on Dad, now I sit three back in our weekly picks. To borrow a phrase, everything is coming up Millhouse.

** The Phillies signed P John Lannan this week. I thought about writing a whole section on just how much I hate that guy, but here's the quick version. He has a lifetime 6.49 ERA at Citizens Bank Park. He was a key pitcher on three Washington Natinals that lost more than 90 games. And he has 21 career hit batters ... 11 of whom are Phillies. He has beaned Chase Utley three times (and broke his hand in 2007) and hit Ryan Howard five times. I hate this guy. It wouldn't surprise me to see him "slip" in his first game and fire a wild pitch at Howard's head, as he stands unsuspectingly at first base.


** Looks like Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow will be available at the end of the season, now that the Jets have given up on both of them. How about a trade for Mike Vick? Or a mass deportation of all three?

2012 fantasy recap -- week 14

Seventy days passed between the Eagles' last win (on Sept. 30) and their victory over Tampa Bay on Sunday. For a little perspective, here's what happened during their eight-game, 70-day losing streak:

-- All of the presidential debates, and the election.
-- The entire MLB postseason, all 36 games.
-- Eight combined losses by the San Antonio Spurs and Oklahoma City Thunder, in 40 games.
-- The firing of the Eagles D coordinator, defensive line coach, offensive line coach, plus the loss of their starting QB and RB and WR
-- All of October and November

QB: Cam Newton, 41.08 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Brandon Marshall, 26.67 pts -- started by Jim
RB: David Wilson, 32.54 pts -- on the wire
TE: Anthony Hernandez, 23.87 pts -- started by me
K: Steven Hauschka, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 46.00 pts -- on my bench
D: Richard Sherman, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Good week for Jim ... until you look and see that he left 43 more points on his bench, which would have been enough to jump him up from 10th place to 7th.

But the bonehead move of the week goes to me, for benching the top scoring defense of the year just moments before kickoff on Sunday. The defense I started, Cleveland, was actually the second highest scoring play on the week for that position, with 19 pts. But that move alone cost me 27 points. Just awful.

"Terrible QBs" edition

3rd place: Colt McCoy, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Ryan Mallet, -2.30 pts -- on the wire
1st place: John Skelton, -5.84 pts -- on the wire

Stay with me, this is going to take a while.

So that Seattle Defense? They collected 8 turnovers from the hapless Cardinals, including five from Arizona QB Skelton, in their 58-0 victory.

Skelton's day was the worst by a QB this year, and likely one of the worst of all time. He threw more TDs to the other team (one) than to his own team (zero). The Seattle secondary had almost as many return yards off his INTs (64) as the Cardinals receiving corps had on his passes (74). And his pathetic QB rating of 18.2 is even worse when you calculate his reverse QB rating (assuming he was actually playing for Seattle):

Skelton as a Cardinal:
11 for 22, 74 yards, zero TDs, 4 INTs -- 18.2 rating
Skelton as a Seahawk:
4 for 22, 64 yards, 1 TD, 11 INTs -- 15.2 rating

So he was only a slightly better passer for his team than his opponent. He also lost a fumble, because his day wasn't bad enough.

It's almost college football bowl season, that wonderful time of year when we see the best of the NCAA square off on the field ... and 26 other games too. But it's still a valuable business model for the NFL to explore. Think of it -- instead of a single elimination playoff, they could have ...

The Kraft Fight Hunger bowl
Eagles vs Jets
-- It works on so many levels. Both head coaches (Andy Reid and Rex Ryan) are oversized gluttons, and both won't be able to put food on the table after they're fired at years end.

The Beef O Brady Bowl
Patriots vs Chiefs 
-- Because its QB Tom Brady against QB Brady Quinn, that's why.

The Little Caesars Pizza Bowl
Cowboys vs Redskins 
-- Dallas owner Jerry Jones and Maryland owner Dan Snyder both have Napoleon complexes (and Napoleon height), so this fits perfectly.

The Heart of Dallas Bowl
No participants
-- Dallas has no heart. End of story.

The BCS national championship
Texans vs Fighting Irish 
-- Lets face it -- no one in the NFL is any good. This might decide who really deserves to be called the best team in the nation.

The Washington Post (great for news, awful for sports) ran a great story this week titled "Wizards bench makes its mark" which spoke about the valuable contributions by the non-starters on DC's pro basketball team, contributing more than half of the squad's scoring.

Except, at the time the article was written, the Wizards were 1-13. No one on the team has been making any mark. They were producing more than half of the league's lowest scoring average. That's like being the skinny kid at fat camp. It doesn't make you good, it just makes you less bad.

The story also noted that the "backups" have changed nearly every game, as the coach rotates players out of the starting role. So it's not that the Wizards have decent backups. It's just that whoever they start, they end up stinking for that game.

Projecting ridiculous trends at the beginning of the year is always a hoot, but several players never dropped off pace and are now on the verge of setting new records for single-season greatness. Here's what's within reach:

-- A new receiving record
Lions WR Calvin Johnson has collected 1,546 yards receiving so far this year, putting him on pace for 1,902 yards. He "only" has to average 101 yards over his last three games to beat Jerry Rice's 1,848 record set in 1995. And he's doing it despite the Madden curse this year, making it even more remarkable.

-- A 2,000 yard rusher
Only six players in NFL history have topped the 2K rushing mark, and Adrian Peterson isn't one of them. But he could be. He has 1,600 yards so far this year, and would need to average an impressive 134 yards a game the rest of the way to do it. In his last five games, he has topped 150 four times.

-- A new sack record
49ers LB Aldon Smith (who you've never heard of) already has 19.5 sacks this season, leaving him just three sacks away from Michael Strahan's completely BS record of 22.5 sacks. Vikings DE Jared Allen missed out on the record by 0.5 sacks last season, so maybe Smith can wipe Strahan from the record books this year.

-- Most punts in a season
It's not a record any team wants, but Arizona could claim it. Right now Cardinals P Dave Zastudil has 89 punts on the season, just 25 short the NFL record (held by Bears P Bob Parsons and Texans P Chad Stanley). In his last three games, Zastudil has 22 punts. Two weeks ago, he had 10 in one game. And the Cardinals haven't gotten better since then.

-- A new safety record
Eight players have tallied a defensive two-pointer this season, putting them withing striking distance of joining an elite fraternity. Only 18 players in NFL history have recorded two safeties in a single season (Jared Allen is the only one you've ever heard of). One lucky end zone sack could add another name to the list.

Just when you think the Cowboys new players can't possibly be more evil, you see an anagram like this one that lays bare the very nature of their poisoned souls:

Dallas Cowboys Backup Tight End/special teams rookie James Hanna
** Alas, his music be joke. No Megadeath, only kids bop. Twas a clap trance. 

Not my best work, but I really got sidetracked when I saw the change to get "Megadeath" in an anagram. How often do heavy metal bands come up naturally in people's names?

Yes, it was totally natural. Nothing about that giant string of words is unnatural.

Week 14 standings

Three weeks left, and it's still a three-person race. Sam is still sitting on top, but I should point out that I just beat the snot out of him for the second time this season in the head-to-head league we're both in. If we both win our playoff match-ups next week, I'll be able to smack him down for a third time this year. And then I'll come back here and steal this title away from him too.

And Bob? Yeah, he's still got a chance. But, really, c'mon, he still has Romo on that team.

** Split my picks with dad for the week, so I'm still five back with three weeks left. Honestly, that's much better than I thought this year was going to go. I was down 11 four weeks into the season (maybe. I don't feel like going back and checking). For the year, I'm 127-80, picking 62% of the games right. Dad is at almost 64%. That means if you bet on every game we picked ... you'd have a severe gambling problem.

** Best joke I told this week, and no one has laughed at it so far: Washington is very concerned with the severity of QB Robert Griffin III's leg injury, so, as a precaution, they're going to bench P Stephen Strasburg for the remainder of the season. You can't be too careful.

** Eagles on Thursday night football this week, against the Bengals. Last time these two teams played, it ended in a tie. But that was before they fixed the NFL with these new, awesome overtime rules.