2012 fantasy recap -- week 16

Christmas gifts available at NFL.com that just hit the bargain bin:

-- New York Jets Mark Sanchez jersey
-- Andy Reid "coach for life" Eagles caps
-- Commemorative plate: Jerry Rice's unbreakable single-season receiving record
-- New York Jets Tim Tebow jersey
-- New York Giants "back-to-back champions" t-shirt
-- "Play like Mike Vick" instructional DVDs
-- Atlanta Falcons playoff tickets
-- New York Jets "I'm a fan" t-shirt

QB: Tony Romo, 40.64 pts -- on the wire
WR: Dez Bryant, 35.93 pts -- started by Heidi
RB: Reggie Bush, 31.30 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Lance Kendricks, 17.93 pts -- on the wire
K: Justin Tucker, 15.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Chicago, 28.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: Charles Tillman, 12.50 pts -- started by Dad

Sure, Bob probably would be in first place right now if he had kept Tony Romo on his squad. But winning without any integrity isn't winning at all, and Bob is the kind of respectable gentleman who understands that. So, sure, Bob cost himself 27 pts and maybe a title chance, but I know he can sleep better tonight knowing he's playing the game right. And that kind of noble play should be worth some points in the standings.

It's not, and I have no intention to make that adjustment, but it should be.

"Players who I may have made up, because their names are kinda generic-ridiculous" edition

3rd place: Joe Adams, -1.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Beanie Wells, -1.70 pts -- on the wire
1st place: TJ Yates, -2.20 pts -- on the wire

Just missing the top three -- my favorite name in all of football, Baltimore QB Tyrod Taylor. Named after St. Tyrod of Lourdes, of course.

The Dallas Cowboys and Maryland Racial Slurs will square off next Sunday in a finale that will determine the winner of the NFC East. Both franchises are wretched, so picking a rooting interest will be difficult. Here's a few outcomes that would be acceptable:

** Racial Slurs 2, Cowboys 0
The winning score comes on the final play of the game, when a disgusted QB Tony Romo turns from his offensive line, throws the football out the back of his own end zone, and retires from football.

** Racial Slurs 49, Cowboys 3
Maryland QB Robert Griffin III throws for only 96 yards in the victory, but the team scores seven defensive touchdowns on Dallas turnovers, including one where WR Dez Bryant has the ball and his arm ripped away from his body.

** Racial Slurs 0, Cowboys 0 (Overtimes)
The tie technically wins the NFC East for the Racial Slurs, but the NFL is so horrified by the display of bad football that they bar both teams from the post-season.

** Racial Slurs 9, Cowboys 0
Dallas forfeits the game, saying they won't play football anymore "for the good of humanity." Griffin sprains
his ankle celebrating.

Please note -- there is no acceptable scenario that puts Dallas in the post-season.

You may have thought that Saturday night's football game was just another oddly-timed NFL contest. Oh, no. It was actually, as ESPN told us all week long, "a special Saturday night edition of Monday night football."

It couldn't just be "Saturday night football." That'd be stupid.

I didn't check for sure, but when ESPN showed those highlights on Monday, I'm sure they called them "special Monday night highlights of the special Saturday night edition of Monday night football, which isn't on tonight."

In case you missed it on Sunday, the Eagles trailed 27-20 with just a few moments left, and got the ball in the red zone with a chance to win, only to come up short. QB Nick Foles missed a wide-open wideout in the end zone, then intentionally grounded the ball with one-second left to force an end to the game.

So, just to recap, the game had:

-- A flashy offensive performance
-- An inaccurate QB
-- Poor clock management at the end
-- An overall feeling of disappointment

Yep, I feel like that was fitting for Andy Reid's last home game with the Eagles. 

Tis the season ... for more Cowpokes evil. Even during the holidays, everything about this team is bent towards chaos on Earth and bad will toward men. Even Santa Claus can't stop them, because, well ...

Dallas Cowboys player's favorite Christmas morn present
** Merry coven sobs alarm: We hit Santa. Crippled Frosty also.

How do you even cripple Frosty? Dude doesn't have legs to break. Pure evil, these guys.

Week 16 standings

One week left, and it's gonna take a heck of an effort for Bob or Sam to stave off my third Awesome Cup title. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I'm already buying trophy polish.


** Picked up one more on Dad in our weekly picks. I'm down two with one week left. It's now or never. Do or die. Put up or shut up. Peanut butter or jelly.

** Going into last week's games, a gaggle of sports pundits picked Indianapolis to upset Houston because the Colts' offense was hot, the Texans defense was sagging and Houston's record was inflated. Houston easily beat up on the second-place Indy squad, 29-17. The two teams are set to square off next week again. Indy is already in the playoffs and has no motivation in the game. Houston could miss out on a first-round bye with a loss. Naturally, the NBC Sunday night crew picked Indy to win, because logic, that's why.

** Foles broke his hand and won't be playing in the Eagles finale, so their starting Vick instead. And that's odd, since Vick broke his throwing hand earlier this year. Wait, it wasn't broken? Then why did he have all those turnovers? Oh, he sucks. That's right.

** A Christmas edition of the recap. That's dedication, boys and girls. I'm like the Santa Claus of sports blogging. Only I do it without festive elf slave labor.