On base at Fort Awesome

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Suggested Viewing

Suggested television viewing for Sunday, Feb. 3

12 pm – AMC; Death Wish
Appropriate because when most of the country heard yet another significant sporting event would come down to the undeserving fans of New York and the undeserving fans of Boston, we wished for death as well.

2 pm – ABC; NBA (Dallas at Detroit)
It’s always easy to root against any Dallas team, and the Mavs have been in a slump lately. This could be a preview of the NBA championship, if the Mavs can end the recent Dallas post-season choking trend.

5pm – NBC; Bull Riding (from North Carolina)
At least all the bull on this show won’t be about Eli Manning’s supposed skills.

6 pm – ESPN2; Strong Man marathon
You know what’s great about watching these steroid-laden man beasts slug it out in nonsensical competitions? They still have more integrity than the Patriots players.

8 pm – BBC; Dancing with the Stars
Jerry Rice vs. Emmitt Smith on Super Bowl Sunday, and both of them look like jackasses. How can you pass that up?

10 pm – Spike; When Animals Attack
I’m not positive, I believe this is a biography on New England DB Rodney Harrison.

11 pm – DSC; Mythbusters
Among the myths being tested: Successful NFL teams can call a running play on 3rd and one; Sacks don't count if your friend decides to take a dive to help you get the single-season record; Cheaters never win.

Please note: Avoid local Fox stations at all costs on this Sunday. No good can come from the sporting event being televised on that channel that day.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

By the Numbers

A look at the Cowboys playoff game, through the relevant stats:

Career playoff wins by Cowboys Pro-Bowl QB Tony Romo (0-2)

Playoff wins for Cowboys WR Terrell Owens since leaving San Francisco

Career playoff wins for Cowboys coach Wade Phillips in his career (0-3)

Playoff wins by the Cowboys in the last decade

Career playoff wins by Cowboys TE Jason Whitten (0-2)

Times before Sunday (since the playoff field was expanded to 12 in 1990) that the NFC’s #1 seed had lost their opening game

Career playoff wins by Cowboys cheap-shot artist S Roy Williams (0-2)

Catches by Cowboys WR Terrell Owens in the second half of Sunday’s loss

Number of Cowboys Pro-Bowlers (out of 12) who have won a playoff game with the team

If I think of more, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, go Pack!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

For your viewing pleasure

Scenarios where this Sunday's Giants/Cowboys playoff game could be watchable:

** Giants 6, Cowboys 3 (OT) -- Cowboys QB Tony Romo passes for a mere 67 yards and throws three picks as the Cowboys offense stalls. The Giants manage just two scoring plays, a 35-yard field goal in regulation thanks to a 47-yard pass interference penalty courtesy of S Roy Williams, and two personal foul penalties against the Cowboys D which sets up a game-winning 38-yard field goal. Predictably, Giants QB Eli Manning has just 54 yards passing and four picks.

** Giants 21, Cowboys 20 -- The Cowboys offense sputters all day, and has two fumbles returned for TDs by the Giants defense, but still has a chance to tie the game with a last-second 19-yard field goal. But the snap is bobbled by Cowboys kick holder Tony Romo, who tries to scamble for a TD but is tackled at the two-yard line. Predictably, Giants QB Eli Manning has just 54 yards passing and four picks.

** Giants 2, Cowboys 0 -- Both teams combine for under 100 yards of total offense, and the only score of the game comes on the opening kickoff when Cowboys return man WR Patrick Crayton catches the ball at the one-yard line but trips backwards into the end zone trying to avoid Giants' tacklers. Predictably, Giants QB Eli Manning has just 54 yards passing and four picks.

** Cowboys 49, Giants 42 -- The Giants set an NFL playoff record with 42 defensive points, 28 off of four QB Tony Romo interceptions returned for TDs and 14 from Romo fumbles returned for TDs. But the Cowboys make a remarkable comeback thanks to an NFL record seven -- yes seven! -- defensive touchdown returns off Giants QB Eli Manning interceptions. Celebrating the last-second win, Cowboys WR Terrell Owens breaks his ankle during a sideline dance.

** Giants 2, Cowboys 0 (forfeit) -- All of the Cowboys players oversleep the 3:30 p.m. kickoff, and the commissioner's office declares a forfeit.

Predictably, Giants QB Eli Manning has just 54 yards passing and four picks.

That's the best I can come up with, kids. Make sure to have plenty of aspirin available.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Final 2007 Fantasy recap

Here's how the league finished up this year:

TEAM: Queen of Smack, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Rodney Harrison

Remember? Heidi was banned for the year for steroid use, and cheaters never win. Except when they play in Boston.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2047 points, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1576.25 points, 12th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Miami Dolphins

Jeff is just two years removed from winning the Awesome Cup, which is actually a lot more recent than the last time the Dolphins did anything significant. But he didn’t just finish last this year – he finished way last. I’m not sure we’ve had anyone drop below 1700 pts in a season before. On the plus side, his lack of football knowledge does not disqualify him from becoming the next Miami head coach.

TEAM: Burns Ringers, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 1918 points, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1744.16 points, 11th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: New York Jets

Joel finished second-to-the-bottom last year too. But remember – coaches love consistency. That’s why Andy Reid couldn’t go with Jeremy Bloom as a kick returner that first game of the season. No, I’m not still bitter that one loss cost the Eagles a playoff spot. Why?

TEAM: Spider Pigs, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 points, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1847.78 points, 10th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Baltimore Ravens

Coming off a second place finish last year, Anthony/Ravens were the biggest disappointment of the season. He fielded fantasy team killers QB Marc Bulger and RBs Rudi Johnson and Ahman Green and never really got off the ground. Of course, I’m not sure he checked his team the entire month of October, so for playing 75 percent of a season that’s not a half-bad score.

TEAM: The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 1890 points, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1902.84 points, 9th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Denver Broncos

Props to me for accurately figuring out where Bob would land (for the record, I went 2 for 12 this year, and the others weren’t even close). By the way, somehow Fred Taylor got through the whole season without a serious injury, and will probably end up in the Pro-Bowl. If you needed any more evidence this NFL season made no sense, there you go.

TEAM: Szechuan Bean Curd, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2273 points, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2032.97 points, 8th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cincinnati Bengals

By using the Bengals as a comparison I meant the football side of the Bengals, not the strip clubs and arrest side. I have no proof Mike does that sort of thing on the side.
For now.

TEAM: For Who For What, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2180 points, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2078.90 points, 7th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Chicago Bears

Actual quote from my predictions: “I can’t believe how badly I screwed up this draft … That said, I did get L.T., so it’s gonna be tough for me to finish worse than the top five.”
Yeah, nevermind about that.

TEAM: Mudslingers of Old, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 1877 points, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2133.76 points, 6th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Philadelphia Eagles

I mean, who else could I compare him too? His team was McNabb, Westbrook, Kevin Curtis, Reggie Brown and other miscellaneous Iggles. And he finished in the upper-middle of the pack, not a bad end for a first-year fantasy coach but embarrassing for a five-time division winning team. Not that I’d blame the coach for that….

TEAM: I like Bush (Reggie), Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2315 points, 1st Place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2150.95 points, 5th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Minnesota Vikings

And for the fifth year in a row we don’t have a repeat Awesome Cup champion. Eric tied his team’s hopes and name to Reggie Bush, and we all know how that ends. Did you know only two of the last 30 Heisman trophy winners are in the Pro Football Hall of Fame (Marcus Allen and Barry Sanders)?
No you didn’t.

TEAM: We Want Detmers, Jo
PROJECTED FINISH: 2222 points, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2206.54 points, 4th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cleveland Browns

This is the other team I predicted right; Good for me, sucks for Jo. Like the poor folks in Cleveland she fell just short of a successful season, but she finished high enough that she’ll get a crappy draft pick next year. And you just know she’s gonna waste it on another offensive lineman.

TEAM: Updog, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2001 points, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2223.32 points, 3th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Marlyand Racial Slurs

I have no idea how they ended up in the playoffs, and I have no idea how Neal ended up here. He had one decent RB (Joseph Addai), one actual WR (Braylon Edwards) and a Seattle defense which was apparently the third-best point getter (who knew).

TEAM: Guliani’s Second Wife, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 1798 points, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2289.10 points, 2nd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Indianapolis Colts

It’s simple – Like the Colts, Jim’s team was led by Peyton Manning and had a successful season culminating in … a pointless second place finish. On the plus side, his strategy of grabbing a QB in the first round and waiting on RBs finally paid off, sort of. RBs as a whole were down this year. The shame of it is if he had picked the actual number one QB (stinking Tom Brady) instead of Manning he would have finished the year with 150 more points, which would have put him in striking distance of ...

TEAM: I Need Linebackers, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 1966 points, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2498.82 points, 1st place
NFL EQUIVALENT: New England Patriots

     Much like the Patsies, Paul put up an unfathomable amount of points, lead the league the entire season and cheated his way to a perfect season (probably – I don’t really have proof he was on ‘roids this year, but I did see his name mentioned in the Mitchell report.)
     Incidentially, if we had stopped playing after the very first week, Paul, Jim and Neal still would have finished 1-2-3. So weeks 2 through 17 apparently weren’t very important.
     But Paul’s boring dominance and obvious cheating (probably) don’t diminish his accomplishment – his name gets engraved on the Awesome Cup, where he will be remembered for all time:

By the way, Pauly, Ant reminded me that it’s Awesome Cup tradition to take the winner out paintballing and peg him senselessly in celebration of that achievement.

Thanks for playing, kids. I’ll keep posting all year, so keep dropping back after the playoff games for more anagram insults and long diatribes about crooks and cheaters (Cowboys and Patsies, respectively).

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Fantasy recap, week 16

Top five reasons to boo Santa Claus this year

5 – The Cowboys, Giants and Redskins in the playoffs? C’mon.
4 – It’s tough to tell which big fat man is the good one and which big fat man refuses to run on third and short.
3 – Still bitter about that ridiculous muffed punt TD call in the Green Bay game
2 – Never got that wide receiver I asked for last year.
1 – It’s Santa; You don’t need a reason to boo someone who invades your home wearing Chiefs colors.

Top Performers

QB: Kurt Warner, 32.44 pts – started by Joel
RB: Najeh Davenport, 29.33 pts – started by Joel
WR: Anquan Boldin, 35.80 pts – started by Mike
TE: Dallas Clark, 23.50 pts – sitting on Eric’s bench
DEF: Chicago, 31.00 pts – started by Joanna
K: Martin Gramatica, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
Any time we get to see a little Gramatica on the field, it’s a Christmas miracle.

Worst Performers, “Superstars” edition

Third place: Devin Hester, -0.02 pts – sitting on the wire
Second place: Willie Parker, -0.10 pts – started by Joanna
First place: Eli Manning, -3.56 pts – sitting on Mike’s bench
In case you missed it, Eli had two picks, two fumbles and zero TDs in the Giants win (yes, win) over Buffalo on Sunday.
For the year he has 19 TDs, 19 INTs, one rushing TD and 7 lost fumbles. For comparison’s sake, the entire Eagles team has 14 interceptions and 7 lost fumbles on the year. But I’m sure he’ll be clutch in the playoffs.

Stupidest thing I read this week

      It was the TV Guide, telling me there was no football on Christmas.
      Who planned that? What’s more American than sitting down on Christmas afternoon, sipping on some eggnog and enjoying Boise State and East Carolina University square off in the American Foods Eggnog Bowl? What do they expect us to do on a holiday? Talk to family? Watch Dickens novels?
      Bah, I say. Christmas without football is like Thanksgiving without football. Or July 4th without football. Or Easter without football. Nobody even bothers to celebrate if there aren’t 350-pound lineman smacking into each other.

One of these things is not like the others

** Bills: outscored by 97 points this year, 7-8 record
** Lions: outscored by 77 points this year, 7-8 record
** Cardinals: outscored by 28 points this year, 7-8 record
** Texans: outscored by 19 points this year, 7-8 record
** Titans: outscored by 2 points this year, 9-6 record
** Eagles: outscored their opponents by 28 points this year, 7-8 record.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week

      I was gonna write an even longer missive about booing Santa – something deep and meaningful about how rejecting commercialism and worship of false idols should make Philly a model city for all societies – but I figured I’d give the old man a break and give him a chance to respond to the one item on my playoff wish list this year: “Not another Dallas win streak.”
      So imagine my surprise when jolly Old St. Nick took those letters and came back with this note the next morning:
      ** No Err: Santa wants T.O. killed. Ha!
      Frankly, Santa is starting to creep me out.

For the record

** I’m in a Christmasy mood still, so no blown call of the week award this week. Next week, I’ll be extra Scroogie.
** When I announced that this football season could not have been worse, it took Dad about 30 seconds to correct me. “We could have lost to Dallas twice,” he said. So there’s that, I guess.

Our standings so far

First place: I need linebackers, Paul – 2391.08 pts
Second place: Guliani’s 2nd Wife, Jim – 2140.81 pts
Third place: Updog, Neal – 2125.65 pts
This is it, kids … if you’ve got some magic 300-point plan to unseat Paul, now is the time to do it. Otherwise, he’s walking home with the Awesome Cup.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Fantasy recap, week 15

Things that are better than an Eagles win over Dallas late in the season

Hold on, I'll think of something.

Top Performers

** QB: Ben Rothelisberger 25.34 pts – started by Eric
** RB: Aaron Stecker, 28.57 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
** WR: Roydell Williams, 22.27 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
** TE: Tony Scheffler, 19.67 pts – started by Mike
** K: Marion Crosby, 19.00 pts – started by Bob
** DEF: Tampa Bay, 31.00 pts – started by Mike
Not only did Dad miss out on those two, but he got robbed of six more points when Westbrook knelt down on the one-yard line.
In case you were wondering, Tom Brady was worth 4.50 pts, making him the 28th ranked fantasy QB this week.

My favorite statistic

Here’s a list of QBs you were better than this weekend (remember, if you go out back and throw a ball into the ground, that’s a 39.5 QB rating.)
** Titans’ Billy Volek – 39.5 rating (1 att, 0 yards)
** Cowboys’ Tony Romo – 22.2 rating (36 att, 213 yards, 3 INTs)
** Falcons’ Chris Redman – 0.00 rating (15 att, 34 yards, 2 INTs)
** Jets’ Kellen Clemens – 0.00 rating (1 att, 0 yards, 1 INT)

Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week award

Dad left 52 points on his bench, and Jeff started three injured players this week.
But I’d like to give the prize to whoever planned security for the Delaware/App State game. In case you missed it, with five minutes left and the game firmly in the mountain men’s hands, the fans rushed the field and stood on the sidelines, constantly shoving players and coaches into the field of play.
The officials immediately responded by … doing squat.
No penalties for App State, no calls for more security guards, no delaying the contest until the field could be cleared. They just let it go on, and thank gawd nobody did anything too stupid or got hurt.
I know it’s division I-AA, but it’s a pretty simple sports formula, kids. Rushing the field after a big win = awesome. Rushing the field before that big win is over = idiotic.

Worst performers, “across the board” edition

Third Place: Kellen Clemens, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
Second Place: Chris Redman, -4.54 pts – sitting on the wire
First Place: Detroit, -6.00 pts – sitting on Dad’s bench
Remember last week when I said we had avoided that dreaded “worst score possible” so far this year? Scratch that. Detroit gave up 45 points on offense and recorded no turnovers, no sacks, and nothing of note whatsoever. Luckily, Dad made the right call there.

Saddest thing I heard this week

Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga, after his team’s win Sunday raised their record to 1-13:
“It was like winning the Super Bowl.”
How can you tell if your football team is poorly managed? They don’t know the difference between going 1-13 and winning a championship.

It was fun while it lasted

Now that the new year is upon us (that’s the 2008 football season, not 2008 itself, since the Eagles are out of the playoff race), here’s a few resolutions for members of the team looking ahead.
** Andy Reid: To keep that weight off, take up running. Run a few miles every day. Take a few laps with the team during practice. Run up and down the stairs of your house. And run the freaking ball on third and short once in a while.
** Lito Sheppard: Whatever you eat before Cowboys games, eat that every day. Twice.
** Reggie Brown: Donate yourself to the Salvation Army for real next time.
** Donovan McNabb: Resolve not to laugh to hard when you win the Super Bowl next year in Chicago. Also, in the excitement of that championship, try not to puke.
** Greg Lewis: Turn yourself into police. You belong in jail.
** Brian Westbrook: Next year, let other players on offense do some of the work. No, wait, don’t do that.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week

Did you know this is the second December in a row the Eagles have embarrassed the young Dallas QB at home in front of his new girlfriend? It’s so sad. But they still managed to celebrate a little bit after that dreadful loss. How? Just look at “Tony Romo loves Jessica” and see:
**Losers vomit oceans. Joy! **
Maybe celebrate wasn’t the right word.

Our standings so far

First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul – 2270.13 pts
Second Place: Giuliani’s 2nd Wife, Jim – 2031.54 pts
Third Place: Updog, Neal – 1978 pts
But Jo is only 4 pts behind. It’s a tight race to see who is gonna end up second loser.

Things that are better than an Eagles win over Dallas late in the season

Ooooh! I thought of one!
** Winning by not scoring because your right tackle and running back are both mensa members.
Yeah, that's nice.

And some depressing thoughts to end

** Let's just get it out of the way now -- Next year, we might be looking at an Eagles team without McNabb or Dawkins. Start figuring out how to deal with it now.
** Jim, is Pittsburgh gonna miss the playoffs?
** Remember last year when Eagles/Saints was a playoff game? Me neither.
** They really should have named Westy to the Pro Bowl as an RB and a WR. If you need to drop someone, how about T.O.?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Fantasy recap, week 14

Just so we're clear

Remember how much we all liked this?

I know it's confusing, but this week we're rooting for this:

The I-AA Championship, which pits those Fightin' Blue Hens against the Appalachian State Mountain Men, is Friday night on ESPN. I know it's confusing to you Ohio fans out there, but please try to remember who you're rooting for this time.

Thanks for your support.

Top Performers

** QB: Tom Brady, 40.36 pts – started by Jo
** RB: Marion Barber, 36.37 pts – started by Jim
** WR: Brandon Marshall, 30.67 pts – started by Neal
** TE: Jason Witten, 28.20 pts – started by Ant
** K: Shayne Graham, 14.00 pts – started by Joel
** DEF: Seattle, 28.00 pts – started by Neal
Seriously? I had two defenses with 24 pts and I get no love? Yet somehow, this week’s 28 pts by Seattle aren’t as painful as last week’s …

Andy Reid (got screwed by a) Blown Call of the Week award

      If a linebacker goes through a wide receiver before he touches a pass, that’s a penalty.
      If a cornerback holds onto a running back while he’s trying to get to the line of scrimmage before the snap, that’s a penalty.
      Someone, please forward this to the Eagles/Giants officiating crew. Thanks.

Worst performers, defensive edition

Third Place: Pittsburgh, -1.00 pts – sitting on Joel’s bench
Second Place: Oakland, -4.00 pts – started by Jim
First Place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts – started by Ant
Remember – the worst a defense can be worth is -6.00 pts. That one sack KC got kept them from posting the worst score of the year.
Also … Pittsburgh? Really? That’s all you got? C’mon!

Stupidest thing I heard last week

Take your pick from these great ESPN moments:

** An unnamed ESPN announcer who on Saturday, with the Kansas basketball team up 76-52 over DePaul with just four minutes left in the game, insisted that, “if you’re on the Kansas staff you don’t want your guys to let up in this situation, because it can get really dangerous.” Somehow, they managed to turn that 24-point lead into a close 18-point win.

** ESPN analyst Mel Kiper, who on the radio handicapped the possible winners of the 2008 Heisman trophy award … about an hour before they announced the 2007 winner.

** An unnamed ESPN announcer who, during Delaware’s big win on Saturday, said that one of the Southern Illinois player’s stories was “so miraculous because it’s a miracle he’s here today.”

** ESPN’s Trey Wingo, who announced that thanks to his network, “college football fans will finally get what they’ve been asking for: A playoff to decide which team is number one! … as picked by our experts …”
Yeah, that’s much better than this current poll system. I wish they’d just put them on a field and guess how they’d play. No controversy there.

Random Eagles notes

** With his next field goal (or two extra points), K David Akers will become the Eagles all-time points leader.

** On a day when the Eagles honored former RB Duce Staley, current RB Brian Westbrook became the first Iggle since Duce (nine years ago) to post consecutive 1,000 yard rushing seasons.

** QB Donovan McNabb played his first December football game in three years on Sunday. And he managed to stay upright through the whole thing.

** WR Greg Lewis’s career passer rating on Sunday fell all the way to 39.6 (one attempt, zero completions) from his previous rating of infinite (zero attempts, zero completions). Hopefully, he will never get a chance to improve on that.

Cowboys anagram insult of the week

      I know what you were thinking – The Lions are up six points with only a few minutes left, and the Cowboys have been struggling all day. This could be the week they finally get theirs. This could be the week they collapse and earn a loss. This could be the week…
      But there’s one thing you forgot: “Detroit really, really sucks again.” And you know what that spells out?
      Dallas kills your eager certainty
      So, as you’d expect, the cowpokes stage a comeback, score a TD with 18 second left, and Detroit disappoints everyone yet again.
      Should have seen it coming…

Evidence the NFL is rigged

** In the season where QB Brett Favre sets several career passing records, he just happens to have his best season in 12 years.

** WR Randy Moss just happens to reinvent his career … as soon as he gets traded to the NFL’s only dynasty of the last decade.

** QB Eli Manning just happens to keep to winning games despite only having the skills of Eli Manning.

** The 0-14 Dolphins just happen to upset the 14-0 Patriots (see me in two weeks about that one.)

Our standings so far

First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul – 2160.86 pts
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim – 1926.41 pts
Third Place: Updog, Neal – 1879.85 pts
A big week for Neal; His 180-plus pts jump him over Joanna and into the top three. And Paul still managed to open up his lead…

For the record

** Aw yeah, I’m only down 10 to Dad now. I got him right where I want him.

** More Thursday night games, kids.

** Just so you’re ready for it, there’s a chance I may not even mention next Sunday’s game in my next recap.