Trip to the DVD store

Iraqi bootleg "12 in 1 comedy collection, vol. 16" includes:

** Animal House
** Police Academy 1
** Police Academy 2
** Police Academy 3
** Police Academy 4
** Police Academy 5
** Police Academy 6
** From Justin To Kelly
** Four movies I've never heard of

Sounds like it should be in the horror category instead. I mean, the horror DVD I picked up has Hot Shots 1 and 2 on it, and it's less scary than everything except Animal House on the comedy one...

Stories 2 and 3

Mass homecoming causes hope, headaches

Reporter's Notebook: Cook, volleyball

The notebook was supposed to run yesterday, but got backed up. Don't expect two every day.

Actual dinner menu tonight

++ Salad*
++ Rib-eye Steak
++ Breaded Shrimp
++ Lobster Claws*
++ Rice Pilaf
++ Taco Platter*
++ Pineapple/fruit medley
++ Blueberry pound cake
++ Dirt**

* -- Offered, not eaten
** -- After-dinner, non-optional snack.

What are you people doing?

On Aug. 11 I asked all of you to take care of the Eagles and Phillies while I was gone. Since then:

-- The Phils are batting somewhere around .200.
-- They've dropped 3.5 games in the standings.
-- WR Kevin Curtis got injured.
-- You killed S Brian Dawkins.
-- The U.S. baseball team lost its chance at a gold medal.
-- QB Donovan McNabb threw up (probably).

I don't know what you all are doing back there, but stop it. I've got 30 days left until I get back. Just stop it.

Story #1

Calm highway signals change

About time I did some real work...

You know what hurts?

My sports hernia. Apparently it's fashionable right now. All the Philly athletes are having problems with it.

Remember 10 years ago when I called for the whole Eagles training staff to be fired? Did anyone listen?

And still a few more hours to go...

Dirt counts as an "other," right?

Seeking advice

Here's the situation: I'm trying to drop some extra weight from my bags because I have to carry everything I own for significant distances as I move from place to place.

Among the items that that I want to throw away is my old copy of Sports Illustrated, which I finished reading two days ago. But the problem is the cover:



So, if I toss it in a foreign dumpster is that bad luck? I wouldn't have to ask if it were the Eagles (because under pro football rules it clearly would be a jinx) but with college rules I'm never sure...

By the way, there's a big old Michican flag on the wall in the building I stayed in last night. That has to be bad luck.

So far today

130am -- land in Baghdad, get told I'll need to hop on another flight to get registered.

330am -- give up on next flight coming before morning, go in search of a bed and a shower.

430am -- find both.

730am -- get up, eat a leisurely breakfast.

830am -- wander back towards the airport terminal.

917am -- arrive at airport terminal.

918am -- get told I'm scheduled for a flight leaving in 30 seconds.

919am -- follow my escort (sprinting) across the runway towards the helicopters.

920am -- get seated in helicopter, wait for crew to close the side door.

921am -- make mental note to launch an in-depth investigation on why there isn't enough military funding to put side doors on these things.

922am -- take off. Get my first view of Baghdad from 400 feet above the ground. It looks very dusty, but that might have something to do with the helicopter.

950am -- arrive at destination. Wait for next escort.

1145am -- escort arrives. Glad I rushed for that flight.

1200pm -- arrive at destination (for today, another flight tomorrow). Realize it's only noon...

Fantasy draft results

Inspired by NBC’s coverage of the Olympics, the annual fantasy league draft was held earlier this week but isn’t being aired until today to maximize the viewing audience.

First, a few changes in the league this year: We’re supposed to have 13 teams, which means playing two defenses each week is out. Instead, we’ll start one D and one individual defensive player, with similar scoring for sacks, picks and other key plays. The first defensive player doesn’t make the automated rankings until 250, so it shouldn’t screw up the draft too much as long as you don’t move a bunch of guys up. There are a few minor scoring changes too, but you’ll have to check them on your own – nothing major, though.

And without further ado, the bottom of the draft starts with the top of the standings last year:

13 – Team Name (Paul, league champion)
12 – Cindy McCain’s Botox (Jim)
11 – Porkchop Express (Neal)
10 – Arena Bowl Champions (Jo)
As always, Jim gets the early lead for best team name. Everyone else goes into the hat and the next name pulled out is…

9 – Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Tough break for Jeff, who was great two years ago and not so good last year. But at least he has some team name consistency. Next team pulled is…

8 – Team coming soon? (Eric)
That’s not Eric’s team name – I’m pretty sure he wants in, but due to travel restrictions I haven’t been able to go over to his house and physically force him into signing up. So we’ll give him two more weeks, and if he gets in he’ll be slotted here. If not, everybody above gets a bonus. Next name…

7 – The Moravians (Bob)
Bob should have gotten a better draw for being one of the first to sign up. Unfortunately, this is a cruel world, and the hat says otherwise. Next squad…

6 – Name Coming Soon (Mike)
That’s the second nameless team. I know it’s still preseason, but you folks gotta step it up and stop playing like the Eagles starters. Yes, all the way across the ocean I could feel them suck. A fake FG? Really? Let’s just move on to…

5 – Awesomenicity (Heidi)
Back from her one-year suspension for use of a banned substance, Heidi is looking to reclaim her dominance and gets a draft pick that will almost assuredly end up being Tom Brady, who I have heard from sources routinely snorts banned substances before games. Very good sources. Next comes…

4 – Farve’s in Charge (Joel)
Joel’s blatant rip off of my old team name (The Minnesota Farves) reminds me that my name hasn’t come out of the hat yet, after last year’s very suspicious but totally on the up-and-up first overall pick. I express my concern to Jo, who makes baseless attacks on my character even though she’s pulling out the names. And the next one out is …

3 – Ice Road Truckers (Dad)
Just an FYI: Alex from this popular History Channel series is actually in Yahoo’s draft order, in slot 10,233, right before WR Greg Lewis at 10,234 and a block of cheese at 10,235. Make sure you go in and move the cheese up one spot, because it has more talent. Next name is…

2 – Madden hearts NY (Me)
Oh, thank gawd. I couldn’t win with the first pick last year, but maybe with Adrian Peterson things will turn out better. Then again, I’m going to miss most of the games the first three weeks, so y’all can probably snow me with some bad trades early on.

So all that leaves …

1 – Fulvnuts (Ant)
Again? Second time in three years that Fulvnuts over there gets LT? I’ve got to rework this draft system next year…

That’s it, kids. Let’s call the draft date Aug. 28 and start the festivities in week one. Any questions, email me and I’ll mock you and your Shawn Andrews-like confusion.

May the best team win, as long as that’s my team.

And we're off

Flights so far this trip: 1
Flights anticipated in the next 48 hours: 3
Chances they'll all be on time: 0

UPDATE, 6:48 am: Scratch that, start anticipating flights tomorrow afternoon instead.

Thoughts after an eight-hour plane ride and the start of preparations for a month in 130-degree Baghdad

Stupid Phillies.

Here we go again

First the awesome news – If I haven’t told you about it yet, please go here and here.

Pretty cool, huh? I’m really full of myself right now.

Then the less awesome news – I’m flying out to Germany this Wednesday, and I’ll be going into Iraq a few days later.

All of you know the deal: Every two years or so, every reporter who works at my paper spends six weeks downrange to report on the troops (that's what we do after all) and what's going on there. It’s not why I took the job, it’s not my favorite thing to do, but it is important work. And as I told Bobert’s mom this weekend, if they sent someone else the writing wouldn’t be as good, because I’m awesome.

I’m scheduled back in the states on Sept. 23, which means I’ll be gone for three Eagles games and a bunch of critical Phillies match-ups. Both teams will still be in first when I leave the country. You all are in charge of keeping it that way.

I’ll have email and I’ll plan on updating the blog again, although circumstances and reliable internet access could limit that. I’ll try and do my weekly NFL wrap ups for my three fans out there (thanks, moms!) but it’ll probably be a little different than in the past. But say a prayer and keep your fingers crossed and I’ll be back before anyone notices I’m gone.

And this all means it’ll be that much sweeter when I win the fantasy football league, because I’ll be able to say I’m awesome no matter what continent I’m on.

All of you stay safe until I get back, and start planning a late Labor Day party for the end of September.

Pre-traveling travels

Highlights of Elkhart, Indiana.


...


Well, there's, ....


...


hmmm.

I'll explain soon, kids. In the meantime, here's something fun from the weekend, in case you missed it.

Full of Soul

A few thoughts on the Soul "breaking" Philly's championship drought:


1 -- Shut up.


2 -- Just so we're clear, I'm in favor of Philly teams winning anything. I'm in favor of Philly being the best at anything. And I'm most assuredly in favor of anything that brings a free Bon Jovi concert to Philly.


3 -- The drought is the big four, OK? (We're still counting hockey because it's awesome). If we're counting minor league/alternative league sports, then there is no Philly drought. Perhaps you forgot:

*** The Villanova Wildcats, who won the NCAA basketball tourney in 1986;
*** The Philadelphia Phantoms, who won the Calder Cup in 1998 and 2004;
*** The Philadelphia Wings, who won National Lacrosse Championship in 1989, 1990, 1994, 1995, 1998, and 2001;
*** The Philadelphia Kixx, who won the Major Indoor Soccer League Championship in 2002 and 2007;
*** The Philadelphia Barrage, who won the Major League Lacrosse Championship in 2004, 2006 and 2007;

So if we start counting outside the big four, Philly has 10 championships in the last decade alone. But we're not. So shut up.


4 -- I'm glad Jaws got a championship. Everyone wants Jaws to have a championship. We just weren't hoping it'd be this one.


5 -- AFL is fun. I'll have to watch more of it next year. It's a good distraction when Adam Eaton is giving up hits left and right. But it's time for real baseball and real football now, so focus. We've got a drought to deal with.

When I was 17 ...

OK, 16, actually.

That’s the last time (1993) the Eagles opened training camp with the Phillies in first place in the NL East. What can we learn from that year?

The Good
-- The Phillies finished with five pitchers who won at least 12 games.
-- The Eagles started the season 4-0.
-- The Phillies held onto first and made the playoffs.
-- Underrated Eagles CB Eric Allen had six picks and four TDs, earning him a Pro Bowl berth.
-- The Phillies whooped the Braves in six games in the NLCS.
-- Even by the end of the season, the Eagles had never employed a Detmer of any kind.

The Bad
-- The Phillies didn’t quite win that World Series.
-- QB Bubby Brister was the leading passer for the Eagles on the season.
-- The Phillies three offensive superstars (Dykstra, Daulton, and Kruk) were never as good in future years.
-- The Eagles finished the season 8-8, out of the playoffs.
-- The Phillies helped popularize the terrible jock jam “Whoot, There It Is.”
-- The Cowboys won the Super Bowl.

The Horribly Prophetic
-- The Phillies star closer (Mitch Williams) blew the World Series for them.
-- The Eagles star QB (Randall Cunningham) went down with a season-ending leg injury.
-- The Phillies lost in the Series in large part because of Pat Gillick (then Blue Jays GM).
-- The Eagles kept their coach (Rich Kottitie) despite his deer-in-the-headlights style.

Home Run Derby recap

I know a lot of folks won’t get the chance to watch tonight’s Home Run Derby, so I’m writing a full recap so you don’t miss a minute of the excitement.

8:06 – Chase Utley is announced, and will bat third. The New York faithful sprinkle a few catcalls in with the cheers. Utley, apparently unaware there are cameras everywhere, yells, “Boos? Fuck you too.”

8:10 – For the third time in less than an hour, John Kruk picks Utley to win the Derby. I get it, ESPN. You love your predictions.

8:12 – Joe Morgan picks Utley too; This worries me. Chris Berman asks him if he likes second basemen so much, why didn’t he pick Roger Hornsby. Maybe because Horsnby has been dead for 45 years.

8:17 – Chris Berman announces, “We’re underway!” ESPN cuts to commercial.

8:21 – Finally, we’re actually underway with the second-best 2B in the NL, Dan Uggla of the Florida Fish.
8:22 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:22:30 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:23 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:24 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:26 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:26:30 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:27 – And he’s done. He posted six dingers, a 414-foot average, and a 437-foot longest blast.

8:28 – OMG, they’re not going to commercial.

8:29 – Next comes CF Grady Sizemore of the Cleveland Wahoos. Allegedly he’s leading the AL in homers, even though Cleveland has only scored 15 runs all season.
8:30 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:30:30 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:30:45 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:32 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:33 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:34 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:35 – And he’s done. Another six dinger score, a 440-foot average, and a 459-foot longest blast.

8:37 – I’m surprised no one has mentioned yet that this is the last year for Yankees stadium.

8:39 – Up comes Evan Longoria, 3B for the Tampa Bay not-Devil-Rays and wife of Spurs Guard Tony Parker.
8:40 – Homer, Evan Longoria!
8:41 – Home… nope, that’s foul.
8:42 – Home… nope, that’s foul.
8:42:30 – Home… nope, that’s foul.
8:43 – Homer, Evan Longoria!
8:43:30 – Home… nope, that’s foul.
8:44 – Homer, Evan Longoria!
8:45 – Wow, he blew. Three dingers, a 419 average and one that somehow went 446. I think they might have mismeasured.

8:46 – Now here’s what we’re waiting for….
8:47 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:48 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:49 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:50 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:51 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:52 – Ugh (ley). Five isn’t very exciting. I was hoping for 26. And they interviewed stinking 3B David Wright of the New York not Yankees while he was at bat. Official tally: Five dingers, a 402 average and one 434 blast.

8:54 – I’m surprised no one has mentioned at least seven times that this is the last year for Yankees stadium. Berman has only said it six times.

8:57 – Now batting: 87-year-old and three-time HR Derby loser 1B Lance Berkman.
8:58 – The old man goes out of the park!
8:59 – The old man goes out of the park!
8:59:30 – The old man goes out of the park!
8:59:45 – The old man goes out of the park!
9:01 – The old man goes out of the park!
9:01:30 – The old man goes out of the park!
9:01:45 – The old man goes out of the park!
9:02 –The old man goes out of the park!
9:03 – OK, eight dingers, 442 average and a 478 long shot. But he’s still ooooooold.

9:05 – As I watch these replays, I can’t describe to you how much less exciting the home runs are than the eight-year-olds fielding these shots. Against Berkman, some kid speared a homer in the stands. Against Utley, one kid had a sliding grab that got a standing ovation.

9:07 – Stepping in is Twins 1B Justin Morneau, and Rick Riley is complaining that this field is “too white.” He wants Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols here.
9:08 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:09 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:10 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:11 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:11:30 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:12 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:12:30 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:13 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:14 – Morneau with eight dingers, a 428 average and a 453 long shot. And thanks to the calculator that is ESPN, I’ve learned that both six and eight are more than five, so Chase Utley is eliminated.

9:15 – Milwaukee Brewer LF Ryan Braun is next up, and this is a real crock. How did he get an invite? Name one Milwaukee player known for hitting home runs.
9:16 – Braun goes long!
9:17 – Braun goes long!
9:17:30 – Braun goes long!
9:18 – Braun goes long!
9:18:30 – Oh yeah, Hank Aaron. Right.
9:19 – Braun goes long!
9:19:30 – Braun goes long!
9:20 – Braun goes long!
9:21 – Slow start, but he makes it to the next round. He ends with seven dingers, a 415 average and a 439 long one.

9:23 – I think he made it to the next round. ESPN didn’t tell me if seven was more than six.

9:27 – Up comes everyone’s favorite drug addict, Texas OF John Hamilton. He has promised to hit one out of the stadium, something no one has ever done.
9:28 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:28:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:29 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:29:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:30:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:31 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:32 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:33 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:34 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:35 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:35:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!

9:36 – Wow, Rick Riley actually just said, “This is a new way for him to get high.” Wow.

9:36:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:37 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:37:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:38 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:39 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!

9:39:30 – Geez, I think the record is 24. Stupid Bobby Abreau.

9:40 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:40:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:41 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:41:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:42 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:43 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:44 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:45 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!

9:45:30 – Um, the record was 24…

9:46 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:47 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:48 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:49 – Wow. That was un-freakin-believable. 28 dingers, a bunch of them over 500 feet. A 445-foot average, and a long of 518 feet. Total distance of those homers: Just over two miles…

9:50 – Erin Andrews just interviewed Hamilton’s 71-year-old American Legion coach, who throws batting practice for him and was the pitcher for that ridiculous display. Poor guy had to throw 56 pitches. Both men are beaming, but the geezer can barely hold his arm up.

9:52 – And that was a great ending to this scheduled two-hour event. Hamilton better stay sober, because he was the feel-good story of baseball before tonight, and is only gonna be hyped even more now. But that kid had Yankee stadium jumping up and down.

9:55 – Wait, there are two more rounds of this?

9:57 – As we start the second round … ah, screw it. I’m calling Hamilton the winner and changing the channel.

A trip to the money pit

I attended my yearly Phillies loss this weekend -- pics are up here.

Chicks dig the long ball

Sorry -- I'm chart happy this week.

Don't panic?

Days Phillies spent in first place in 2007: 2
Days Phillies have spent in first place in 2008: 36

In fact, the Phils haven't trailed in the NL East since May. Remind me again why I'm panicking?

Oh, right. And this too.

UPDATE, 10:20pm: Make that 37 days