2011 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

Everybody’s team is ready to go, and it’s already obvious how the season will play out. Here are the highlights:

TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ANALYSIS: New guy always gets the bottom preseason ranking, and since he drafted a Lions player in the first round (RB Jahvid Best), he earns that spot. Sam did end up with his man crush, Wes Welker, but forgot to draft Welker’s missing knees afterwards. The only good news for Sam is that he does have QB Kevin “Corn on the” Kolb, so if he starts him in week one he’ll mysteriously end up with Mike Vick by week 5.

TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ANALYSIS: I hate just about everyone on Mike’s team, so that’ll make it easier when he gets busted for performance enhancing drugs later this season (I’m sure he’ll blame it on Heidi). Tony “Toy Moron” Romo, Vincent “He screwed my fantasy team five years ago” Jackson, Stephen “I have to look up this spelling every week” Gostkowski … I’d love to see Mike finish in last. He’ll probably win anyways.

TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ANALYSIS: Bob took QB Aaron Rodgers with the fifth overall pick, which is just a terrible mistake. QBs can be found anywhere. Just look at the Jaguars – they just dropped longtime signal caller David Garrard in favor of old-school QB Cade McNown. Or was it Luke McCown? Reggie Brown? I’ve got no idea.

TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ANALYSIS: Yahoo awarded Anthony the “Toyota Best Draft” award on Sunday, based on their points projections for the year. I’m giving him the “Crazy Glue Cracked Draft” instead, for the most fragile team: QB Mike Vick, RB Arian Foster, TE Owen Daniels. He’s one Fred Taylor away from a glass-bottom boat. He does have the best team name, though.

TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ANALYSIS: Paul forsook his team name in this year’s draft, taking three RBs and Peyton Manning’s bent spine before grabbing his first wideout. Think of him like the New York Giants – just because it says New York in the name doesn’t mean they play anywhere near that city. They play in New Jersey, which explains the stink around Eli Manning.

TEAM: The Wildcat’s Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ANALYSIS: There’s where all of Paul’s beloved WRs went … NewMike grabbed four top receivers (and top-flight TE Vernon Davis too) and no decent RBs to speak of. For good measure, this squad doesn’t have any linebackers either, and includes Donovan McNabb. It’s Andy Reid’s dream team. If only he could have found Doug Pederson somewhere.

TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ANALYSIS: Another good team name, but another bad team. His top two RBs are Mike Tolbert (possibly a type of candy) and BenJarvus Green-Ellis (I’ll never trust any player with the same initials as my power company). Plus, he didn’t even draft Matt Stafford. Talk about false advertising.

TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ANALYSIS: The only player Joanna really wanted on her team was the former Eagles kicker, and she made sure to pick him up a round before everyone else. And really, what’s more important to a fantasy team than the right kicker? Just ask Sam. Kickers rule. I suggest you all drop a WR and pick up an extra one right now.

TEAM: Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ANALYSIS: I thought Dad’s squad looked OK – QB Phillip Rivers, two good TEs and RBs – but apparently his entire team is already on the waiver wire. So why the high rating? Because of RB Daniel Thomas, WR Danario Alexander, RB Jamaal Charles, and RB Ryan Williams, all on his team. Never pick against men with two first names.

TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ANALYSIS: Everything about my team rocks. The name: It’s an anagram of Nnamdi Asomugha. My RBs: Studs LeSean McCoy and MJD. My WRs: Greg Jennings, Reggie Wayne and Jeremy Maclin. My title: Reigning Awesome Cup champion. My downfall: Drafting QB Eli Manning. That’s like topping an ice cream sundae with a rotten egg. A dopey, dopey rotten egg.

TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ANALYSIS: Jim and his ultra-conservative agenda are at it again this year, trying to keep down all the lower-income teams in favor of keeping the rich, fantasy football fat cats ahead. That means overpaying for guys like RB LeGarrette Blount (2nd round), WR Miles Austin (3rd round), QB Matt Schaub (4th round), and the KC defense (why would you draft them at all?). But that kind of “damn the little man” attitude is popular in the country today, so there’s no reason to believe his strategy won’t work.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ANALYSIS: Last time I picked Jeff as the sleeper team of the year he ended up stealing the title. This year? Call it a hunch again. Except for the human stain that is a Cowboys RB, his roster is full of undervalued players: RB Michael Turner, QB Matt Ryan, WR Percy Harvin, TE Tony Gonzalez. It’s a hard-working, blue collar squad. And when Jeff wins the Awesome Cup again and the Eagles win the Super Bowl, make sure to look up and appreciate all those flying pigs circling above.

League play starts Thursday night, folks. Make your roster changes (or dump your entire team, Dad) and get ready for your weekly punishment.

2011 fantasy football -- draft order

Welcome to fantasy football 2011, better known as “The Quest for Awesome Cup X.” Over the last nine years we’ve had 14 different coaches and seven different champions, but today, everyone starts on equal footing (except me, since I am the reigning Awesome Cup champion for another four months). Nothing is certain. The entire season is a blank slate, just like Andy Reid’s mind on third and one (Pass? Or pass?)

Unfortunately, we’re not even one day into the season and we’ve already got controversy. Long-time fantasy manager Heidi was busted for performance enhancing drugs this weekend, her second violation of the league’s zero-tolerance policy. Sure, it’s unclear how extra folic acid would have helped her roster-setting skills, and the pregnancy seems like a legit excuse, but rules are rules. She’s banned for the season.

Luckily, I’ve already found a replacement, so the draft will take place on schedule next Saturday. For anyone who may have forgotten in the offseason, here are the draft order rules. Because the entire league could not be present for the selection show, appropriate proxies are standing by to represent each coach.

As per unofficial league rules, newbie gets the last pick, so the first name on the board is ...

** 12th pick -- Sam

Welcome to the league, Sam. May your dreams crash and burn like the Patriots in the 2010 playoffs. For the record, the last rookie we put in this spot ended up winning the trophy, so if that happens again we may need to reconsider how we put this system together. Sam’s stand-in for the evening, a copy of Madden 2002 for the Playstation, glares across the line of scrimmage at the news.

The next four names go into the Eagles skull cap and the first name out is ...

** 11th pick -- Capt. Awesome

Seriously, who came up with this idiotic draft order process? My proxy, Junior Awesome, responds to the news by yelling, then bashing the TV stand, then falling asleep. Well played, son. Lull everyone into a false sense of security with the bad pick position, then steal the league out from under them. You’re getting your own team next year.

Another name in, another name out ...

** 10th pick -- Champ Mike

Mike finished second to me last year, so it’s only fitting his name comes after mine again this year. Mike’s proxy, a 2004 Eagles NFC champions T-shirt, is strangely absent from the room at the moment … just like his team was strangely absent from the league until the last moment. One year, we’ll get those Doyles to sign up on time. But it won’t be in the league’s first decade, apparently.

Next pick coming out goes to …

** 9th pick -- Joel

Joel finished in the top half of the league last year and gets rewarded with the worst possible slot he could get. His representative, a plush Eeyore doll, stares glumly from the other side of the room, looking for a thistle sandwich to ease the pain of the news.

Our next cheerful contestant on the board is ...

** 8th pick -- New Mike

It’s hard to remember that this is only New Mike’s third year in the league (in large part because none of us remember who this guy is at all) but he’s already posted two impressive finishes and hoisted the Awesome Cup once. His proxy, scattered pieces from fire truck puzzle, lay unorganized around the toy box, presenting a mystery to us all.

Coming in at the next spot is...

** 7th pick -- Jeff

The Blue Collar Killers will have to produce some blue-collar work to get decent results out of this slot -- No one has ever won the league drafting 7th (note: I didn’t actually fact-check that. It just sounds right). Jeff’s representative, a dragon scooter, takes the news without flinching, his vacant eyes just boring a hole through my soul. I hate that dragon.

Onto the next pick ...

** 6th pick -- Joanna

Joanna’s proxy, Joanna, raises her annual line of questioning about why we conduct the draft order in this fashion and if it’s really necessary to line up all the stuffed animals in the room to watch. She is once again ignored.

The next pick out of the hat goes to ...

** 5th pick -- Bobert

The only league coach with a Ph.D. used his smarts to move way up in the draft order this year -- he finished third in 2010, so by all rights he should be picking much later. His stand-in, a copy of the Dr. Seuss classic “Oh the thinks you can think,” admonishes his opponents with the query “Would you dare yank a tooth off the Rink-Rinker-Fink?” Consider the gauntlet thrown down.

Picking just before him will be ...

** 4th pick -- Dad

Dad gets in line for one of the four elite RBs with this pick (Peterson, Foster, Johnson and … I dunno, Marshall Faulk?), which is great news for his chances. Dad’s proxy, my son, informs me he’s going with his grandfather’s team because he has a better pick, and possibly some Cheerios. That child is a traitor. No team for him next year.

Next name out of the hat is ...

** 3rd pick -- Jim

Great news for Jim: Rashard Mendenhall will almost certainly be available with this pick, along with any number of QBs. Terrell Pryor will probably still be there too. Columbus residents love that guy, don’t they? Jim’s representative, a Brutus Buckeye bottle opener, signals victory in response.

Only two left, and the lucky runner up is ...

** 2nd pick -- Ant

What a waste. You know Anthony is just going to pick up LaDanian Tomlinson yet again with this pick. His fill-in, an Achorman DVD, reminds us all that “Milk was a bad choice.” Not sure how that applies here, but everybody has their own strategy.

All that leaves just one name up top ...

** 1st pick -- Paul

Has a wideout been selected #1 in any fantasy draft ever? This could be the year. Paul and his legendary love of wide receivers pull down the #1 pick, giving him the option of taking Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Reggie Wayne, Greg Lewis … whoever his heart desires. Paul’s proxy, a pair of Eagles mittens, gives itself a round of applause.

OK, folks, get those pre-draft rankings set. The league gets switched to live Saturday morning. Good luck to all (except cheating Heidi).

Just so we're all clear what happened ...

On Friday, the Redskins torched the Colts in a preseason match-up. QB John Beck, an unremarkable 30-year-old with only five career starts, looked sharp and appears to have the inside track for the opening day starter job.

Over the weekend, the Nationals took two of three games from the Phillies. The two losses included three blown saves -- before Friday, the Phillies only had two blown saves on the year.

On Monday, the Nationals won their fifth game in seven tries, this time against another division-leadin team (the Diamondbacks).

On Tuesday, the East Coast was hit with a freak earthquake, centered just out of Washington, D.C.

What I'm trying to say is, if Washington teams keep winning, it could mean the end of the world.

Fantasy leaders so far this preseason

After one week of preseason play:

QBs
1) Stephen McGee, Dallas -- 26.32 pts
2) Matt Moore, Miami -- 14.92 pts
3) Greg McElroy, NYJ -- 14.32 pts

Great performance by the Dallas backup, who brought his team back in the fourth quarter for an incredibly important win. For his career, McGee has only one fewer playoff win than starter Tony Romo. Could there be QB controversy brewing? We could only hope.

RBs
1) Richard Medlin, NE -- 17.40 pts
2) Stevan Ridley, NE -- 16.40 pts
3) Keith Toston, StL -- 12.40 pts

The New England running attack may finally come around this season, as long as they're playing the third-string Jacksonville defensive linemen every week.

WRs
1) Dwayne Harris, Dallas -- 25.47 pts
2) Taylor Price, NE -- 18.00 pts
3) Santana Moss, DC -- 17.27 pts

Why in the hell is Moss -- a #1 wideout -- on this list? Oh, that's right. Shanahan's entire team is backups this year. Nevermind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please use these statistics to evaluate the hidden talent in the league, and draft wisely for the regular season (especially if you're in my leagues. Toston looks like a great first round steal.)

Historical perspective

The Phillies won their 77th game Wednesday night, in their 117th game of the season. If they go 5-40 in their last 45 games, they'll still have a winning record at the end of the year.

For comparison's sake, in the 20 years before Charlie Manuel took over the Phils (in 2005), they posted fewer than 77 wins on the season 10 times. Two other years they posted exactly 77 wins in 162 tries.

Manuel now sits 25 wins away from the franchise all-time mark for wins by a manager. If the Phillies finish with 102 victories, he'll have that before the 2011 playoffs start.

Rejected 2011 fantasy football team names

** The Tiki Barbarians
** Chad NewEnglandCheatsO
** Straight Retirement, Homey
** T. Ouch
** Asomugha Awesomites
** Farve-ever
** Manning 2 Manning
** Lockout Laugh Track
** McNabbulous Minneapolis
** Romo for MVP

Right now, the leading contender for my team is "Corn on the Kolb" (stolen from another site). But it's early.

2011 Fantasy Lockout League results

With the lockout season ending this week, here’s a look at how everyone did in our league this year:

6th place -- Rookie Cap Rumble (Paul)
1342 pts
** Drafting QB Tom Brady was huge for Paul -- His 15 plaintiff points per week led all litigators in the Circuit Court Conference. But the rest of his crew was a major disappointment: Judge David Doty had no running game whatsoever, and his kicker (a contract addendum mandating a 20-game season) ended up costing him in the end.

5th place -- NBA strike 4ever (Mike)
1555 pts
** Mike’s wideout corps of Hines Ward and Kenny Britt came through with a whopping 42 points each in criminal distraction points, but the fun stopped there for his squad. Bills owner Ralph Wilson as lead negotiator? Please. How’s he gonna deal with a legal audible when he can’t even field a decent linebacker corps?

4th place -- Hall of Shame Game (Anthony)
1677 pts
** Two words for why this team failed: Tony Romo.

3rd place -- Rosen-House Party (Bob)
1687 pts
** You knew Bob was just going to stack up the stats with workhorse Roger Goodell in his backfield, but he really hit the jackpot by snagging former U.S. solicitor general Paul Clement off the waiver wire. If only Raiders owner Al Davis hadn’t abstained from the final contract vote, he would have gotten the 100-point “unanimous vote” bonus and stolen the title.

2nd place -- NLFPA LOL (Joanna)
1701 pts
** Drew Brees, Logan Mankins, Mike Vrabel … it seemed like Joanna had every player in the 8th District end zone all season long. In the end, the only mistake she made was banking on the Albert Haynesworth civil suit to get her extra penalty points, but Rashard Mendenhall’s bin Laden tweets almost put her over the top anyway. Almost.

1st place -- Decertify This (Me)
1751 pts
** Peyton Manning was the real star for my team: His consistency scoring bargaining points and TV commercial payouts made your team’s final deals look more NHL than NFL. But the real key was the strategy in not drafting any fans for my team, so I didn’t have to take a 20-point penalty multiple times as they all got screwed each week.


Thanks everyone for playing. We’ll do it again in seven to ten years.

Missing in action

A quick look back at the first half of the Phillies season, through the appearances of their seven established position players:
Good work by Howard and Ibanez to stay in there for nearly every game. And despite having their starters play in only 16 games together, the team still posted the best record in the league.

Now everybody get healthy already. No more gray.

Stupidest HR Derby tweets

Actual Twitter posts carrying this week's #HRDerby tag:

@ArlaFusselman57: Robbie Cano calm down... your doing to good...
-- If he had just misspelled it "clam" too, we'd have something.

@espn: Somebody call Marshawn Lynch. Robinson Cano is officially in beast mode tonight.
-- The N in ESPN stands for NFL. The E stands for football.

@jvtorresjr: So people were complaining that last nights #HRDerby was boring... People also complained about #steroids in #MLB! Which one is it?
-- There were 95 HRs last night. No one was complaining there were too few.

@WinonaWachobQQI: @LoMoMarlins how soon can we expect to see you competing in #HRDerby
-- Logan Morrison (of the Marlins) has 14 HRs in 572 plate appearances. Keep waiting.

@PatPumpBGIL: I'm very surprised by the lack of #HRDerby tweets I've been seeing.
-- More than 100,000 tweets were sent with this tag. It was a trending topic all day.

@CarenHaby2603: Chris berman makes the #hrderby entertaining. I love his sayings. "That one was all the way to the space station" lol
-- This person must be killed, for the good of the species.

Updating my memorabilia

The Flyers season may have ended on a sour note this year, but that's no reason to hold a grudge against the team. So I dusted off my Flyers calendar from 2010 (remember, they were in the finals just 13 months ago) to hang it with pride among my other sports memorabilia. Only one problem...

Yeah, um, Carter, Richards and Gagne aren't on the team anymore. So, maybe we'll go with the more recent calendar instead...

See? Much better. Richards, Carter, Powe, Carcillo and Leino aren't on the team anymore, but there still are a few familiar faces. Like ... Briere! And Pronger! And Hextall!

Ugh.

Cliff Lee in June

Click on the picture to enlarge.
Pretty boring month all around.

That's a 0.22 ERA, for those of you counting at home.

How the NFL is trying to ruin football (this week)

Details of the potential settlement between owners and players leaked today. Most of the proposals are what you'd expect: a modified rookie wage scale, team spending caps and minimums, discussions on future expansion to an 18-game season.

However, one simple proposal on the table would ruin the NFL landscape instantly: 16 Thursday night football games over the course of the season, starting in 2012. No details on what weeks those games will be played, but here's why that sucks.

1 -- One or two football games on Thanksgiving makes Thanksgiving awesome. Three is overkill. Five or six makes it exhausting. We gotta have dinner at some point.

2 -- Thursday night games not on Thanksgiving stink. Thursday night football is meant for teams like Boise State, not the Bengals, even if Boise State could probably beat them. Most people have to work on Fridays, whether or not there is a game.

3 -- The short advance week for Thursday games screws with team's practice and recovery schedules. And the long week following games gives those teams an unfair advantage for the next match-up. That's fine for a few unusual circumstances, but every other week? No.

4 -- Thursday night games are a pain in the ass for fantasy football.

5 -- The NFL network will undoubtedly broadcast the Thursday night games and call them "special editions of Sunday Night Football." And that makes all of us dumber.

The perfect All-Star ballot

All Phillies (and former Phillies, because I can't vote for Francisco) on the right.

All fun names (and no Yankees or Red Sawx) on the left.

Click to enlarge.

Another 10,000 loss team

Remember the royal treatment the Phillies got back in 2007 when they became the first professional sports franchise to collect 10,000 losses? Well, they're about to get some company.

Coming into Tuesday night's games, the Hotlanta Braves had collected 9,982 losses in their 135-year history, putting them on pace to break the 10K plateau somtime in July. If they can manage a 12-17 record from tonight on, that will give them a chance to hit the mark during a three-game set in Philadelphia just before the All-Star break.

Of course, like all things the Braves do, the new 10,000-loss mark will be less of an accomplishment than their predecessors' was. The Phillies, the oldest continuous one-city franchise in American sports, performed all of their losses as citizens of the city of brotherly love. The Braves had to spread out their losses over three cities, under the names of the Atlanta Braves, Milwaukee Braves, Boston Braves, Boston Bees, Boston Rustlers, Boston Doves, Boston Beaneaters and Boston Red Caps.

The next 10,000 loss team likely won't come for another four seasons -- The Chicago Cubs currently sit 277 losses below that mark. After that, the next team up is the Washington Natinals, who have lost 9,000 games in the last three years alone.

Happy birthday, G

It's good to know that as Chris gets older, he still has plenty of fans.

What's the word?

A look at the most frequently used words on the Phillies official Twitter account since May 1:

Observations:
-- Lots of Hamels, not much Halladay.
-- More Valdez than Utley is understandable, but sad.
-- A lot of 3-0 counts. Not sure why.
-- Everybody hits. Woo-hoo!

The post where we pretend to care about the NBA Finals

Possible outcomes of the NBA season, with pros and cons:

4) Miami Heat defeats Dallas/Oklahoma City
Pros: LeBron will probably cry, the fans at the victory parade will likely be scantily clad.
Cons: LeBron will be insufferable, ESPN will have stories about him all summer long, Cleveland will likely riot and burn to the ground.
Verdict: Worst outcome possible.

3) Oklahoma City Thunder defeats Miami/Chicago
Pros: Somebody new will finally win a championship, Kevin Durant doesn't seem like a jerk
Cons: Somebody is going to have to look up where Oklahoma City is, no city that just stole a team deserves a championship, nobody cares about Oklahoma
Verdict: Could be worse, but couldn't be more boring

2) Chicago Bulls defeat Dallas/Oklahoma City
Pros: LeBron and Wade watch the team they almost played for win it all
Cons: Whiny Chicago gets yet another championship, Michael Jordan somehow gets three more sponsorship deals, Oprah will get involved
Verdict: Nevermind, I'd rather see the Thunder win

1) Dallas Mavericks defeat Miami/Chicago
Pros: Somebody new will finally win a championship, Mark Cuban is comically insufferable for months, David Stern commits suicide
Cons: Dallas wins a championship
Verdict: Call them the North Texas Mavericks and let's call it a deal

Phillies scoring

What this chart tells us:

1 -- The Phillies have been a pretty good team since 2000.
2 -- There is no explanation for why everything went right in 1993.
3 -- There is too many easily accessable baseball statistics databases online today.

Breaking down the draft

It's time to analyze the Eagles draft the only way that makes sense: anagraming the names of the rookies to see what really lies inside their character.

Round 1 -- OL Danny Watkins
Anagram: Old tank yawns in
Analysis: He's a 26-year-old college grad, and even he is bored with this pick .Why should we be excited? Cut him from the team.

Round 2 -- DB Jaiquawn Jarrett
Anagram: Jaw ajar, quits rent
Analysis: A slack-jawed deadbeat? How does that help the secondary? Cut him from the team.

Round 3 -- DB Curtis Marsh
Anagram: Charms disturb
Analysis: I don’t care how cool he seems, I don’t trust the guy. Cut him from the team.

Round 4 -- LB Casey Matthews
Anagram: Why bet, classmate?
Analysis: HORRIBLE PICK. The last thing the Eagles need is a college athlete clearly hiding an illegal gambling habit. Cut him from the team.

Round 4 -- Nebraska K Alex Henery
Anagram: Akers’ ankle hex nearby
Analysis: Probably an accurate description -- Akers is likely to blow out his leg trying to upstage this kid. To protect David, cut him from the team.

Round 5 -- RB Dion Lewis
Anagram: Ole bird wins
Analysis: GREAT PICK. That’s what I like to see: players who have a winning attitude and the team mascot right in their names. Keep him.

Round 5 -- OL Julian Vandervelde
Anagram: Older juvenile vandal
Analysis: Old and immature? No thanks. We already have Vick. Cut him from the team.

Round 6 -- OL Jason Kelce
Anagram: Jello-cake son
Analysis: Great -- another overweight, out-of-shape O-lineman. Cut him from the team.

Round 6 -- LB Brian Rolle
Anagram: Barbell, I lorn
Analysis: Aw, somebody get this poor guy a set of weights to play with. Then cut him from the team.

Round 7 -- DE/LB Greg Lloyd
Anagram: Dry gelled glob
Analysis: What’s with all the fat guys this year? Is Andy trying to make himself look skinnier? Cut him from the team.

Round 7 -- RB Stanley Havili
Anagram: Shy vanilla biter
Analysis: If you want to play in the NFL, you can’t be shy, you can’t be boring, and you can’t bite people. Cut him from the team.

Not a good sign -- 11 draftees, 10 losers, one winner. It's gonna be a long season, if they ever start it up.

No Draftsgiving this year

Blame the lockout.

A day of history

On Sunday, within a span of just a few hours, the Phillies beat the Padres, the Sixers beat the Heat, and the Flyers beat the Sabres. That's a historic three-peat -- the last time all three of those teams won on the same day was ...

2009. Just over two years ago, actually, on April 19, 2009. It happened a few time in the 2000s, but only once in the 90s.

Huh. Sorta feel like that should have been more unusual.

On another note, no Philadelphia team has lost a game 7 while Cliff Lee was in town. I'm just saying.

Predictions for the Eagles 2011 season

The NFL released this year's schedule earlier tonight -- Here's your instant analysis of what to expect from the Eagles' slate of games:

Sun, Sep 11 -- at St. Louis
Analysis: Would be an easy win ... if the strike didn't postpone the entire NFL season
Prediction: No game

Sun, Sep 18 -- at Atlanta
Analysis: QB Mike Vick's first trip to Atlanta ... won't happen because of the ongoing strike.
Prediction: No game

Sun, Sep 25 -- vs New York Giants
Analysis: QB Eli Manning always plays great on the road. He should do a great job picketing on the road too.
Prediction: No game

Sun, Oct 2 -- vs San Francisco
Analysis: Finally, football returns to the field, and the Eagles get win #1 on the season behind scab QB Jeff Garcia.
Prediction: Win*

Sun, Oct 9 -- at Buffalo
Analysis: An early snowfall in upstate New York causes three fumbles by scab QB Reno Mahe, and the team can't recover.
Prediction: Loss*

Sun, Oct 16 -- at Washington
Analysis: Six made FGs and eight missed FGs later, scab K James Paul misses a 28-yard FG in OT to seal another disappointing week.
Prediction: Tie*

Sun, Oct 23 -- vs Minnesota
Analysis: The Phillies finish off their four-game sweep of the Twins, clinching another World Series.
Prediction: Awesome

Sun, Oct 30 -- vs Dallas
Analysis: The Cowboys continue their undefeated season, led by QB Tony Romo, who crossed the picket line in week 2.
Prediction: Loss*

Mon, Nov 7 -- vs Chicago
Analysis: Finally, the stike ends and the real players suit up for their first time all season ... after this weekend is over.
Prediction: No game

Sun, Nov 13 -- vs Arizona
Analysis: Cardinals QB Donovan McNabb throws four TD passes against a rusty Eagles D in a romp.
Prediction: Loss

Sun, Nov 20 -- at New York Giants
Analysis: Another game in New York, another DeSean Jackson punt return
Prediction: Win

Sun, Nov 27 -- vs New England
Analysis: Strike, no strike, QB Tom Brady still kills in the regular season.
Prediction: Loss

Thu, Dec 1 -- at Seattle
Analysis: Three TD passes are almost enough to convince fans that QB Kevin Kolb will be a great replacement for Vick, who suffers a season-ending injury.
Prediction: Win

Sun, Dec 11 -- at Miami
Analysis: Two second-half INTs are enough to convince fans that QB Mike Kafka won't be a good replacement for Kolb, who suffers a season-ending injury.
Prediction: Loss

Sun, Dec 18 -- vs New York Jets
Analysis: A four-game win streak by the Flyers is a pleasant distraction from a 40-point loss to the Jets.
Prediction: Loss

Sat, Dec 24 -- at Dallas
Analysis: Strike, no strike, QB Tony Romo still chokes in December
Prediction: Win

Sun, Jan 1 -- vs Washington
Analysis: Less than two months before pitchers and catchers report.
Prediction: Loss

Final standings:
1-2-1 in scab games
3-5 in real games
4-0 in World Series

Fun with trends

With one 18th of the season over, here's what to expect from the Phillies (stats through Monday):

** The team is on pace for 126 games, which would be an MLB record (7 wins so far)

** Ryan Howard is on pace for 198 RBI, which would be an MLB record (11 RBI so far)

** Shane Victorino is on pace for 270 hits, which would be an MLB record (15 hits so far)

** The team is on pace to score 1,062 runs, which would be an NL record (59 runs so far)

** Roy Oswalt is on pace for a 36 wins, which would be a personal record (2 wins so far)

** Joe Blanton is on pace to win zero games this season. (0 wins so far)

** The Mets are on place to finish in last place, which would be normal (Last place so far)

For the record

I'm just finishing up an eight-day fellowship at Ohio State, and today I came to a realization:

I've now lived in Ohio, taken classes at the Ohio State University, attended an Ohio State football game, and received an "O-H" pin from the president of the school.

I am no longer an Ohio State front-runner. I am now, without question, a Buckeye.

Go Bucks!

Spending wisely

This week, the Mets cut 2B Luis Castillo and P Oliver Perez from their active roster, freeing them to sign with any other team but leaving them on the hook for their 2011 salaries ($6 million and $12 million, respectively). That's $18 million being paid for two players not to play for the team.

Here's what $18 million pays for with better teams around the league:

** Seattle Mariners: One full season from OF Ichiro Suzuki ($18 mil)
** New York Yankees: 88 games from 3B Alex Rodriguez ($33 mil for the full year)
** San Diego Padres: The entire team, minus P Aaron Harang and 1B Brad Hawpe ($20 mil combined, $18 mil for the rest of the squad)
** St. Louis Cardinals: One full season from 1B Albert Pujols ($14.6 mil), plus a free $1 hot dog for each of the 3.4 million fans who'll watch home games this year.
** San Francisco Giants: One full season from P Tim Lincecum and OF Pat Burrell ($9 mil each)
** Philadelphia Philles: One full season from P Cliff Lee ($9 mil), P Cole Hamels ($6.65 mil), C Carlos Ruiz ($1.9 mil) and IF Wilson Valdez ($400 K), plus 8 field level seats for every home game this year ($50 K).

Field of 64 ... Philly style

Once again, March Madness provides us the perfect opportunity to look back at the year in Philadelphia sports and judge everyone accordingly. Without any delay, this year's winner is...

Why the NBA stinks

In the last 27 years, seven different cities have won an NBA championship.

In the NFL, seven different cities have won a championship in the last nine years.
In the MLB, seven different cities have won a championship in the last eight years.
In the NHL, seven different cities have won a championship in the last seven years.

Most likely teams to win an NBA championship this year:

-- San Antonio Spurs (4 champs in the last 12 years)
-- Los Angeles Lakers (10 champs in the last 31 years)
-- Chicago Bulls (6 champs in the last 20 years)
-- Boston Celtics (4 champs in the last 30 years)
-- Miami Heat (1 champ in the last 5 years)

I'm just saying, sometimes it's nice to see new faces.

NFL Lockout Q&A

The NFL's collective bargaining agreement expires this Friday, and neither the owners nor the players seem willing to agree on new terms right now, which could jeopardize the 2012 NFL season. Here's a quick primer on the issue for those of you just tuning in:

How serious is this?
Not serious at all. Giving up a few runs in a spring training game means virtually nothing when the regular season starts, so P Cliff Lee's two innings, two runs line today should not set off any alarm bells.

I meant the NFL thing.
Oh.

What's this dispute over?
Money. Everybody wants more.

But don't the players and owners already have a lot?
The NFL minimum salary last year was $310,000, roughly 10 times what you make. The least valuable franchise last year (The Jacksonville Jaguars) was worth $725 million, roughly 25,000 times what you make.

That's a lot of money.
When someone asked John Rockefeller how much money is enough, his answer was "just a little bit more."

So, who's to blame here?
The fans.

What?
Who gave them all that money in the first place? When we started agreeing to a $2,500 charge for the right to buy season tickets, we gave them the right to bicker over percentage points of revenue that could fund a small revolution overseas.

So, how will this affect me?
It won't. Baseball season still starts later this month.

Seriously, how will this affect the NFL?
Draftsgiving will still take place as planned. After that, you have to wait until June to be allowed to panic about losing next season.

But could they really lose the whole season?
Sure. And if they strike and don't play games, the fans will never forgive them ... just like they've never forgiven baseball for that 1994 strike.

Now you're just being cynical.
And you're denying that college football will easily fill the temporary void left by this nonsense.

But what should I do?
Just relax and enjoy the ride. Cliff will have those mechanics worked out in just a few more weeks.

Pre-season World Series quiz

Last week, when reporters asked P Cole Hamels what it was like to be the only Phillies starter with a World Series ring, P Joe Blanton joked that the writers always forget about him (he was on that 2008 team too).

With that in mind, how well do you remember who has a Phillies 2008 ring, and who doesn't? Here's a quick quiz to jog your memory:

OF Matt Stairs RingNo Ring
P Chan Ho Park Ring No Ring
2B Tad Igutchi Ring No Ring
SS Miguel Cairo Ring No Ring
P Brett Myers Ring No Ring
C Paul Bako Ring No Ring
P Clay Condrey Ring No Ring
P Scott Eyre Ring No Ring
OF John Mayberry Ring No Ring
C Chris Coste Ring No Ring
P J.A. Happ Ring No Ring
3B Greg Dobbs Ring No Ring
OF Geoff Jenkins Ring No Ring
P Adam Eaton Ring No Ring
P Kyle Kendrick Ring No Ring

Anything less than 10 right, and your 2008 rally towel is revoked.

By the way, here's the answer key (highlight to read):

Winners:
P Clay Condrey, P J.A. Happ, P Scott Eyre, P Brett Myers, C Chris Coste, 3B Greg Dobbs, OF Geoff Jenkins, OF Matt Stairs

Not Winners:
P Kyle Kendrick (remember, he was left off the WS roster), P Adam Eaton (him too), P Chan Ho Park, C Paul Bako, 2B Tad Igutchi, SS Miguel Cairo, OF John Mayberry

Phailed Phillies marketing

The Phillies are still trying to figure out exactly how to market their quartet of All-Star pitchers (The Four Aces? R2C2? The Fab Four?) before the start of the baseball season. Here's a quick look at some of the campaign ideas that haven't quite reached the right level of hype yet:

500th post spectacular

In honor of my 500th post here, let's take a look at other 500s of note in Philadelphia sports history:

Phillies who have hit 500 home runs: One (Mike Schmidt)
Eagles who have caught 500 passes: One (Harold Carmichael)
Flyers who has tallied 500 assists: One (Bobby Clarke)
Sixers who have scored 500 three-pointers: Two (Allen Iverson and Kyle Korver)

Phillies managers who have won 500 games:
Three (Mauch, Ozark, Manuel)
Phillies managers who have lost 500 games:
Three (Mauch, Ozark, Shotton)

Eagles seasons under .500: 40
Eagles seasons over .500: 33

Flyers who have played at least 500 games: 28
Flyers who have played exactly 500 games: 1 (Paul Holmgren)

Sixers coaches who have lasted 500 games:
Three (Brown, Cunningham, Cervi)
Sixers coaches with a playoff record over .500:
Four (Cunningham, Shue, Hannum, Cervi)

For everyone whose read some or all of those 500 posts, thanks. Doubt I'll make it another 500, but it's been a fun ride so far.

Betting on the big game

Actual Super Bowl prop bets (on BoDog.com) that would make for both a hefty payout and an awesome game:

One of the teams blocks/misses an extra point
** $10 bet pays you $100

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers’ first pass attempt is intercepted
** $10 bet pays $150

Fergie sings at halftime in a thong and Dallas cheerleader outfit
** $10 bet pays $150

The Steelers have zero punts in the game
** $10 bet pays $200

Neither team scores more than 10 points
** $10 bet pays $300

Both teams combine for 10 touchdowns
** $10 bet pays $300

Neither team records a sack in the game
** $10 bet pays $400

Packers backup RB Brandon Jackson wins the Super Bowl MVP
** $10 bet pays $500

The receiving team fumbles away the opening kickoff
** $10 bet pays $650

The first TD of the game is officially a zero-yard TD
** $10 bet pays $750

The Packers score exactly 43 points for the game
** $10 bet pays $3,000

The Steelers score exactly two points for the game
** $10 bet pays $30,000

Pressing Pro Bowl questions

With the big game just days away, here's what all the NFL fans are talking about (other than the Super Bowl, the just-completed championship games, the upcoming draft, the possible lockout, next year's college football season, and pretty much anything else):

** Will two more Falcons make the team?
The all-time record for players on a single Pro-Bowl squad is 11, set by the 2007 Cowboys. But with the addition of CB Brent "Frank" Grimes on Monday, the Hotlanta birds now boast nine all-stars (and zero playoff wins this year.) Can the NFL find room for just a few more of their players, and erase that Dallas record?

** Will WR Brandon Lloyd win the MVP?
Only three teams have never had a Pro-Bowl MVP: the Ravens, Panthers and Broncos. The Baltimore and Carolina don't have any likely candidates on offense, but Denver does have their #1 WR in the mix. Hopefully he can haul in three TD passes and the MVP award for the good fans out in the mile-high city.

** Will anyone rush for 181 yards?
Hard to believe, but the Pro-Bowl single game rushing record is 180 yards, posted by Marshall Faulk (in 1995, while he was with the Colts, for the love of gawd). The single game receiving record is 212 yards (Randy Moss, in 2000) and the passing record is 342 yards (Peyton Manning, 2004). It's hard to believe anyone would try that hard, but maybe Phillip Rivers or Jamaal Charles is really angry about how the season turned out and wants to take it out on someone.

** Will a Seahawk be named to the squad?
Seattle grabbed the biggest upset of the playoffs this year (upending the Saints in the first round), but so far they're the only team not to have a representative on the Pro-Bowl roster. S Earl Thomas appeared to be in line to replace Packers' S Nick Collins, but that honor went instead to S Roman Harper of New Orleans (so, the Saints win that round). Time is running out for the NFL to keep that valuable Seattle TV market interested in the game.

** Will anyone watch?
Someone must care -- Vegas even sets a betting line for the game (NFC is favored by 1.5 points). But, with the game back in Hawaii and more players planning to bail on the trip, it's worth asking whether the NFL needs to shake up the spectacle.

Here's an idea that's been floated before, but it worth exploring: replace it with a skills competition. A good skills competition. And instead of offering money, make the winners be the only players eligible to sign shoe contracts (the NFL already has stricter on-field uniform rules than that). Think that won't make DeSean Jackson participate in a 50-yard dash? Think that won't make Peyton Manning see who can chuck a football the furthest? Hell, throw in one free helmet-to-helmet penalty for the winner of the linebackers' skill contest, and the whole thing falls in place.

Reseeding the NFL playoffs

If you were one of the thousands of NFL fans who thought the Seahawks upset victory over the Saints was a spectacular dose of excitement and fun in the playoffs this year, you’re wrong and should feel ashamed. The 7-9 Seahawks were clearly the most harmful thing to happen to the league since the start of the Super Bowl era (at least according to the TV football experts) and proves that the NFL must abandon its antiquated conference playoffs format in lieu of “having the best teams” play in January.

Obviously, the only solution is to develop an NCAA-basketball-style playoff, giving byes to the four best teams and awarding home-field playoff games to the next four strongest. If we ranked this year’s top NFL squads based on record and opponent win percentage (which would be the only fair tiebreaker), here’s what we’d get (teams listed with regular season record and opponent win percentage):

Much more exciting already – we’ve eliminated the boring Chiefs (10-6, but with a .414 opponent win percentage) and Seahawks entirely, and replaced them with the thrill-a-minute Bucs and Giants. Sure, the Eagles and Colts lose their home-field playoff game, and the Bears lose their first-round bye, but surely it’s all worth it to get that New York vs. New York first-round game, right?

Or perhaps we should go with a true NCAA style ranking, where we ignore records and actual team accomplishments in lieu of ESPN’s end-of-season opinion rankings? Here's what we'd get:

Again, a far superior system. We’ve replaced a boring Seahawks upset of the Saints with a massacre of the Giants down in New Orleans. The Bears still get screwed, but I’m pretty sure Baltimore is a bigger TV market to pander to than those pesky Chicago fans. And, there’s still a great chance you’ll get that Jets-Patriots second-round game, provided they could boot the Packers out of the playoffs early.

But why stop there? Why should the regular season decide who gets in the playoffs? Can’t we just let sports writers feel what the right matchups are? Let’s seed the playoffs based off the pre-season rankings, which is what we all really wanted to see anyways. Here's what we'd get (teams listed with pre-season ranking and actual regular season record):

Now that's a playoff we could all be proud of.

Looking forward to more Coach Reid in 2011

This week, the Tennessee Titans announced they will bring back coach Jeff Fisher for his 18th season this fall, despite a seven-year drought since his last playoff win. Fisher is the only active coach in the NFL who has remained in the same job longer than Eagles coach Andy Reid, who will enter his 13th season this fall.

A comparison of their resumes:

** Age?
Fisher: 52
Reid: 52

** Overall win percentage?
Fisher: 54 percent
Reid: 62 percent

** Only Super Bowl appearance?
Fisher: 1999 (year six coaching)
Reid: 2004 (year six coaching)

** Post SB playoff record?
Fisher: 2-5
Reid: 3-4

** Team average division finish?
Fisher: 2.4 place
Reid: 2.0 place

With that in mind, here’s a look at how Fisher’s teams have done in years 13 through 17 of his coaching:

** 1 division title
** 0 playoff wins
** 0 Super Bowl appearances
** 0 Super Bowl championships

But I’m sure Andy will have completely different results in his future. After all, he’s a completely different coach.

2010 fantasy season recap

Here are the final league standings for this season:

Farve Dollar Footlongs (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800.00 pts
Actual finish -- 12th place, 1807.76 pts
NFL equivalent -- Carolina Panthers
Let's be honest -- Between his new job and the birth of his beautiful baby daughter this season, Anthony could care less about his last-place finish. He barely even tried for most of the year, just like the Panthers. On the plus side, both are guaranteed great draft picks next year. And both have nine months to come up with excuses for next year's terrible season as well.

Heidi’s team (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
Actual finish -- 11th place, 1856.69 pts
NFL equivalent -- Cincinnati Bengals
Heidi’s coaching skills have just never fully recovered from that one-year suspension for performance-enhancing drugs in 2007. Sure, it’s usually not this bad of a finish, but there’s no fire, no passion for crushing the league. Clearly, there’s only one way for her to get that enthusiasm back: Force a trade out of Green Bay, sexually harass some folks in New York, then move to Minnesota. That’s standard career rejuvenation now, right?

I heart WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
Actual finish -- 10th place, 1914.21 pts
NFL equivalent -- Minnesota Vikings
Both Paul's team and the Vikings came into 2010 with high expectations, and both leave the season with their shoulders slumped and hopes dashed. On the bright side, at least Paul's house didn't collapse under the weight of a sudden snowfall, so he's in better shape than the Minnesota franchise. On the down side, his recent referendum for a bond sale to finance a 65,000-seat addition to his house was not approved by voters.

Obama’s Kenyan Birth (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
Actual finish -- 9th place, 1921.69 pts
NFL equivalent -- Cleveland Browns
Everything about Jim screams Cleveland Browns. Questionable coaching? Check. Surly fan base? Check. Eric Mangini hanging out in his living room? Check. (By the way, Jim, Eric Mangini needs a place to stay, now that he got fired.) The good news for Jim and his Cleveland buddies is that baseball season starts soon, so they'll all once again be pulling for the Indians and rooting against those stinking Yankees.

I Love Me Some Me (Joanner)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
Actual finish -- 8th place, 1964.51 pts
NFL equivalent -- Houston Texans
Nothing acts like the kiss of death like NFL "experts" calling you the team to watch, and nothing kills your Awesome Cup chances like me putting you #1 in the pre-season poll. So, both the Texans and Joanna taste bitter defeat and finish near the bottom of the pile. However, her poor record this year reflects well on Junior Awesome, who helped guide her to a 3rd-place finish last year from his assistant coaching seat in her belly. That kid clearly has potential.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
Actual finish -- 7th place, 2030 pts
NFL equivalent -- San Diego Chargers
A bit of a down year for the one-time Awesome Cup champ, but we'll focus on the positives. He set his roster for at least 12 of the 17 weeks this season. He finished second (out of three) in the league's Ohio subdivision. And he was not fined by the NFL once this year for an illegal helmet-to-helmet hit, or for tripping players on the sidelines. That Jeff is a class act, and he's proving that nice guys don't always finish last. Sometimes they finish seventh.

The Tebow Connection (Joel)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
Actual finish -- 6th place, 2115.46 pts
NFL equivalent -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I'll admit I didn't think Joel, despite the solid team name, had a chance of finishing in the top half of the bracket, but like Tampa Bay he surprised with a strong all-around performance. It just wasn't strong enough to really matter in the end. But, like the Bucs, at least he can look back on that great 2002 championship season with fond memories and a sense of hope for the future. Wait, he didn't win that year? Ouch.

Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
Actual finish -- 5th place, 2117.41 pts
NFL equivalent -- Jacksonville Jaguars
Dad inched out Joel by fewer than two pts to secure fifth place and win ... pride, I guess? Like the Jags, he earns the distinction of being the best of the non-playoff teams. And, like the Jags, that earns you a slightly-better-but-still-not-good draft pick next year. But he'll definitely be able to grab Kevin Kolb in the first round this year. I've got a good feeling about that kid taking over the Eagles offense in 2011.

Stay Puft Haynesworth (NewMike)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
Actual finish -- 4th place, 2183.06 pts
NFL equivalent – New Orleans Saints
The Awesome Cup defending champs played like the defending Super Bowl champs: good, but not quite good enough to really stand out. NewMike just edged out Paul for the most roster moves this year (30 to 29) and the most pick-ups of players minutes before I got them (at least a dozen). He also easily posted the best team name in a weak crop of contenders. Start thinking of better ones for next year. “KevinKolb4evar” will not be accepted.

Springfield Atoms (Bob)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
Actual finish -- 3rd place, 2268.68 pts
NFL equivalent -- Kansas City Chiefs
For a while it looked like Dr. Bob and all his fancy-pants college degrees had this league wrapped up, but book learning ain’t how you win the Awesome Cup. If he had used some street smarts instead of his ivory tower academics, maybe he could have predicted two untimely concussions to QB Aaron Rodgers and a mysterious late-season disappearance by WR Calvin Johnson. But he didn’t. On the plus side, a bronze medal is a nice consolation prize … if you get that for finishing third here, which we don’t.

I’m on a Horse (ChampMike)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
Actual finish -- 2nd place, 2279.48 pts
NFL equivalent -- Pittsburgh Steelers
Old reliable Mike, the only two-time Awesome Cup champion in league history (more on that in a minute), made a strong run at the title again this season with a Dwayne-Bowe-filled stats avalanche in December. But, as we all know, if you're not first, you're last. So Mike and Heidi get the same prize for their very different finishes at each end of the leaderboard: a hearty handshake, and a comfy seat on the couch during the post-season. In Dallas, they call that a Tony Romo winter.

West Coast Westy (Capt. Awesome)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
Actual finish -- 1st place, 2328.68 pts
NFL equivalent -- 2008 Philadelphia Phillies
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot there is one other two-time Awesome Cup champ, now that this season has finished. I rode the Tom Brady-Mike Vick-LeSean McCoy train to my second league title, and accomplished something no other football team in history has done -- won meaningful games with Lee Evans on my squad. The word "hero" is thrown around too casually by the liberal media nowadays, but I think in this case, considering my coaching skills, it's absolutely appropriate.

In celebration, I looked up what I wrote the last time I won the league title, and it's as poetic now as it was then: "So that’s how it ends, with me striking the Heisman pose and all of you wishing you were more like me. And that’s a pretty happy ending.

Without further ado, I happily award the 2010 Awesome Cup to myself:

Thanks all for playing this year. Remember, I'm here every week, good football or bad football, so be sure to check back for some chuckles through the playoffs and the weeks leading up to Draftsgiving. And start getting your act together for next fantasy season, and the race for the 10th Awesome Cup title.

2010 fantasy recap, week 17

** Neither Kevin Kolb nor Donovan McNabb was the right choice at QB for the Eagles.
** It doesn't matter what else happens, Peyton Manning will end up in the playoffs.
** It doesn't matter what else happens, Eli Manning will choke in December.
** Terrell Owens can still play, but somehow that means fewer wins, not more.
** Football should never be played on Tuesday nights, unless it's college teams no one cares about.
** The NFC West is, and always has been, simply terrible.
** Brett Favre is one of the greatest QBs in NFL history, and nobody wants to see him play ever again.

Top QBs
1st place: Tom Brady, 371.00 pts – 5th QB drafted (me)
2nd place: Aaron Rodgers, 360.48 pts – 1st QB drafted (Bobert)
3rd place: Mike Vick, 352.32 pts – Waiver pick-up (me)
No one can tell you that just a few months ago they saw Vick cracking the top three, but at least the other two here were expected.

Top RBs
1st place: Arian Foster, 374.87 pts – 25th RB drafted (Joel)
2nd place: Peyton Hillis, 279.52 pts – 44th RB drafted (NewMike)
3rd place: LeSean McCoy, 277.97 pts – 18th RB drafted (me)
You can't say the same for these guys. Arian Foster, who no one ever heard of before September, easily won the league rushing title and was the best fantasy player overall.

Top WRs
1st place: Roddy White, 273.40 pts – 8th WR drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: Dwayne Bowe, 240.37 pts – 19th WR drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Brandon Lloyd, 238.73 pts – Waiver pick-up (ChampMike)
Dwayne Bowe (whose parents apparently wanted to name him Rainbow but had a speech impediment) was a mild surprise here, but Lloyd was a stunner. He had more yards and catches this year than in three years with the Bears and Racial Slurs combined.

Top TEs
1st place: Jason Witten, 215.30 pts – 7th TE drafted (NewMike)
2nd place: Mercedes Lewis, 162.17 pts – 18th TE drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Antonio Gates, 162.13 pts – 2nd TE drafted (NewMike)
The #1 drafted TE? Brent Celek. How'd that work out for the first half of the season?

Top K
1st place: Sebastian Janikowski, 158.00 pts – 10th K drafted (Joel)
2nd place: David Akers, 154.50 pts – 12th K drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Josh Brown, 139.00 pts – Never used
Twelve teams in the league, and no one had use for poor Josh Brown? So sad.

Top DEF
1st place: Pittsburgh, 221.00 pts – 5th DEF drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: New England, 218.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (me)
3rd place: Green Bay, 210.00 pts – 4th DEF drafted (ChampMike)
Frankly, I only get surprised when Pittsburgh doesn't have one of the top three defenses. Hopefully Green Bay's D will suffer a sudden breakdown next Sunday.

Top D
1st place: Kerry Rhodes, 79.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (NewMike)
2nd place: James Harrison, 77.50 pts – Waiver pick-up (ChampMike)
3rd place: Terrell Thomas, 77.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (Paul)
3rd place: Ray Lewis, 77.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (Joel)
And, once again, none of us have any idea how to draft defensive players. But at least we corrected our mistakes.

“Year-end” edition

5th place: Sage Rosenfels, -0.30 pts
4th place: Brodie Croyle, -0.48 pts
3rd place: Levi Brown, -1.04 pts
2nd place: Brian Brohm, -3.76 pts
1st place: Todd Collins, -7.28 pts

The bottom six spots of the year all went to backup QBs, but no one was quick as spectacularly awful on the year as the Bears second-string signal caller.

In two appearances this year, Collins passed for just 68 yards and five interceptions. His QB rating for the season was 5.9, roughly seven times worse than your QB rating for the year (1 attempt, 0 completions equals a 39.5 rating). For good measure, he was also sacked twice.

Amazingly, Chicago was 1-1 in those games, beating Carolina 23-6 in a game where Collins threw four picks. Just so we’re clear on that point: The Bears would have been better off not fielding a QB in that game, and they still won by 17 points.

If you missed that contest, don’t worry. I’m sure the NFL Network will be airing it as an instant classic for years to come.

Players who appeared in Sunday's games who I was sure had retired already:

** Mark Brunell: The 40-year-old QB, in his 15th year, threw two TDs and a pick in the Jets' win over Buffalo on Sunday.
** Fred Taylor: The aging RB, whose career appeared over in 2002 because of leg injuries, had 10 carries in the Patriots win over the Dolphins.
** Greg Lewis: The eight-year WR, who hasn't caught more than 20 passes in a season since 2005, had a tackle in the Vikings loss to the Lions.
** Donte Stallworth: The controversial WR, who was suspended for the season two years ago following a fatal DUI accident, had one rush for 15 yards in the Ravens win over the Bengals.
** Takeo Spikes: The 13-year LB, who had recorded a sack in each of his last 12 seasons, had three tackles but no sacks in the 49ers win over the Cardinals.
** Kevin Kolb: The fourth-year QB, who came into this year as the Eagles' starter, sorta sucks.

This weekend marked the end of the regular season, but not the end of stupid. Here's a quick sampling of what to expect as the playoffs roll around:

Before the games started, ESPN talking head Chris Berman said the Green Bay Packers had a chance to end the playoff hopes for the Giants "and the largest TV market in America, much to the NFL's dismay." So, ESPN has finally acknowledged that the New York Jets do not play in New York or have any fans there.

During the Eagles game, the FOX announcers explained that three teams were vying for the final playoff spot "but only one of them, the Packers, controls their own destiny." You know, as opposed to all three of them controlling their own destiny, and all three of them getting in on that one playoff spot.

Sunday night, following a Seattle TD by WR Mike Williams , NBC analyst Chris Collinsworth exclaimed "what a long, strange ride it has been for this guy." I did not realize that Collinsworth went to the same Catholic high school as me, where the senior prom theme was "what a long, strange journey it's been" because the word "trip" was too suggestive.

But my personal favorite of the weekend came during the CBS telecast of the Chargers-Broncos game, when QB Phillip Rivers scrambled past a blitzing linebacker and tossed a beautiful 20-yard pass for a first down:

Color announcer: "Did you see that? You think Phillip Rivers doesn't care about this game? Do you think Rivers thinks this game is meaningless and doesn't care if he wins?"
Play-by-play announcer: "No, no I don't. I didn't say that."

Sorry to say, but the commentary only gets worse as the games get more important.

Why wait until this season is over to start worrying about next year? Here's a quick breakdown of the Eagles' already set opponents for next season, and their chances of beating them:

Home Games: Cowboys, Giants, Racial Slurs, Patriots, Jets, Niners, Cardinals, Bears
** The Patriots and Jets are harsh home opponents, and with the loss of CB Asante Samuel for the 2011 season (convicted of insider trading) Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez carve up the defense in lopsided losses, and a mid-season upset loss to the 0-6 Racial Slurs hurts too. But the Eagles steal an early-season win against the Bears (a fourth quarter Devin Hester fumble sets up the game-winning field goal), and beat the rest of their NFC opponents, to finish 5-3 at home.

Away Games: Cowboys, Giants, Racial Slurs, Bills, Dolphins, Seahawks, Rams, Falcons
** LeSean McCoy rushes for a team-record 240 yards in an early match-up in Buffalo, setting up a season-long theme of "run first" for the new-look Eagles. A mid-season loss in Atlanta doesn't hurt as much as a dreadful game against 2-6 Seattle (Mike Vick, three INTs and two fumbles) but the team finishes strong to post a 11-5 record overall. Unfortunately, that Seahawks loss costs them a first-round bye again.

Conclusion: Actually, it's 2013 you should really start worrying about. Have you seen that schedule? Ugh.

The Cowboys handled the Eagles second-stringers on Sunday, completing their season with a 6-10 record. Sure, the team didn't quite reach their pre-season Super Bowl expectations, but a few nice games at the end of the season and a win against the NFC East champs to close the year has to leave the Cowboys with some positive momentum, right? Let's anagram it and see:

Cowboys rally in final game for a victory
** No valor: Crying Cowboy army fails at life

That seems a bit harsh. Maybe if we just phrase it a little differently?

Dallas squad manages win in their last week
** Therein, squawking seals still damned. Waaa

OK, but really, can we leave the boys for the year on such a negative anagram? One more, please:

Big D triumphs in final weekend contest
** But finish lacks redemption. Wet ending

That'll do it. Have fun playing golf while good teams play the Super Bowl in your home, cowpokes.

** Dad and I split the final slate of game this week, giving me a slim one-game victory in our weekly picks contest ... but a victory nonetheless. It's our closest finish ever and only the sixth time I've won the rivalry since I left home for college (I think ... to be honest, we usually forget who won by the time the next season rolls around). As punishment, Dad has to wear the shirt of my choosing when we go to Citizens Bank Park later this spring. I'll make him wear his embarrassing #33 Cliff Lee shirt, while I wear my far superior #34 Cliff Lee shirt.

** Only 87 days until baseball season begins.

** I'd like to point out once again that when I said Kevin Kolb was the wrong choice at QB for the Eagles, I was completely right. Nevermind the logic behind it. The important point here is to recognize the conclusion was correct.

** Don't forget: University of Delaware plays for the national championship of college football (in the division that really matters) this Friday night. You're rooting for the guys with blue and yellow helmets this time, not against them.

Coming tomorrow -- the final season recap, and the engraving of the Awesome Cup.