2010 fantasy season recap

Here are the final league standings for this season:

Farve Dollar Footlongs (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800.00 pts
Actual finish -- 12th place, 1807.76 pts
NFL equivalent -- Carolina Panthers
Let's be honest -- Between his new job and the birth of his beautiful baby daughter this season, Anthony could care less about his last-place finish. He barely even tried for most of the year, just like the Panthers. On the plus side, both are guaranteed great draft picks next year. And both have nine months to come up with excuses for next year's terrible season as well.

Heidi’s team (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
Actual finish -- 11th place, 1856.69 pts
NFL equivalent -- Cincinnati Bengals
Heidi’s coaching skills have just never fully recovered from that one-year suspension for performance-enhancing drugs in 2007. Sure, it’s usually not this bad of a finish, but there’s no fire, no passion for crushing the league. Clearly, there’s only one way for her to get that enthusiasm back: Force a trade out of Green Bay, sexually harass some folks in New York, then move to Minnesota. That’s standard career rejuvenation now, right?

I heart WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
Actual finish -- 10th place, 1914.21 pts
NFL equivalent -- Minnesota Vikings
Both Paul's team and the Vikings came into 2010 with high expectations, and both leave the season with their shoulders slumped and hopes dashed. On the bright side, at least Paul's house didn't collapse under the weight of a sudden snowfall, so he's in better shape than the Minnesota franchise. On the down side, his recent referendum for a bond sale to finance a 65,000-seat addition to his house was not approved by voters.

Obama’s Kenyan Birth (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
Actual finish -- 9th place, 1921.69 pts
NFL equivalent -- Cleveland Browns
Everything about Jim screams Cleveland Browns. Questionable coaching? Check. Surly fan base? Check. Eric Mangini hanging out in his living room? Check. (By the way, Jim, Eric Mangini needs a place to stay, now that he got fired.) The good news for Jim and his Cleveland buddies is that baseball season starts soon, so they'll all once again be pulling for the Indians and rooting against those stinking Yankees.

I Love Me Some Me (Joanner)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
Actual finish -- 8th place, 1964.51 pts
NFL equivalent -- Houston Texans
Nothing acts like the kiss of death like NFL "experts" calling you the team to watch, and nothing kills your Awesome Cup chances like me putting you #1 in the pre-season poll. So, both the Texans and Joanna taste bitter defeat and finish near the bottom of the pile. However, her poor record this year reflects well on Junior Awesome, who helped guide her to a 3rd-place finish last year from his assistant coaching seat in her belly. That kid clearly has potential.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
Actual finish -- 7th place, 2030 pts
NFL equivalent -- San Diego Chargers
A bit of a down year for the one-time Awesome Cup champ, but we'll focus on the positives. He set his roster for at least 12 of the 17 weeks this season. He finished second (out of three) in the league's Ohio subdivision. And he was not fined by the NFL once this year for an illegal helmet-to-helmet hit, or for tripping players on the sidelines. That Jeff is a class act, and he's proving that nice guys don't always finish last. Sometimes they finish seventh.

The Tebow Connection (Joel)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
Actual finish -- 6th place, 2115.46 pts
NFL equivalent -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I'll admit I didn't think Joel, despite the solid team name, had a chance of finishing in the top half of the bracket, but like Tampa Bay he surprised with a strong all-around performance. It just wasn't strong enough to really matter in the end. But, like the Bucs, at least he can look back on that great 2002 championship season with fond memories and a sense of hope for the future. Wait, he didn't win that year? Ouch.

Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
Actual finish -- 5th place, 2117.41 pts
NFL equivalent -- Jacksonville Jaguars
Dad inched out Joel by fewer than two pts to secure fifth place and win ... pride, I guess? Like the Jags, he earns the distinction of being the best of the non-playoff teams. And, like the Jags, that earns you a slightly-better-but-still-not-good draft pick next year. But he'll definitely be able to grab Kevin Kolb in the first round this year. I've got a good feeling about that kid taking over the Eagles offense in 2011.

Stay Puft Haynesworth (NewMike)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
Actual finish -- 4th place, 2183.06 pts
NFL equivalent – New Orleans Saints
The Awesome Cup defending champs played like the defending Super Bowl champs: good, but not quite good enough to really stand out. NewMike just edged out Paul for the most roster moves this year (30 to 29) and the most pick-ups of players minutes before I got them (at least a dozen). He also easily posted the best team name in a weak crop of contenders. Start thinking of better ones for next year. “KevinKolb4evar” will not be accepted.

Springfield Atoms (Bob)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
Actual finish -- 3rd place, 2268.68 pts
NFL equivalent -- Kansas City Chiefs
For a while it looked like Dr. Bob and all his fancy-pants college degrees had this league wrapped up, but book learning ain’t how you win the Awesome Cup. If he had used some street smarts instead of his ivory tower academics, maybe he could have predicted two untimely concussions to QB Aaron Rodgers and a mysterious late-season disappearance by WR Calvin Johnson. But he didn’t. On the plus side, a bronze medal is a nice consolation prize … if you get that for finishing third here, which we don’t.

I’m on a Horse (ChampMike)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
Actual finish -- 2nd place, 2279.48 pts
NFL equivalent -- Pittsburgh Steelers
Old reliable Mike, the only two-time Awesome Cup champion in league history (more on that in a minute), made a strong run at the title again this season with a Dwayne-Bowe-filled stats avalanche in December. But, as we all know, if you're not first, you're last. So Mike and Heidi get the same prize for their very different finishes at each end of the leaderboard: a hearty handshake, and a comfy seat on the couch during the post-season. In Dallas, they call that a Tony Romo winter.

West Coast Westy (Capt. Awesome)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
Actual finish -- 1st place, 2328.68 pts
NFL equivalent -- 2008 Philadelphia Phillies
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot there is one other two-time Awesome Cup champ, now that this season has finished. I rode the Tom Brady-Mike Vick-LeSean McCoy train to my second league title, and accomplished something no other football team in history has done -- won meaningful games with Lee Evans on my squad. The word "hero" is thrown around too casually by the liberal media nowadays, but I think in this case, considering my coaching skills, it's absolutely appropriate.

In celebration, I looked up what I wrote the last time I won the league title, and it's as poetic now as it was then: "So that’s how it ends, with me striking the Heisman pose and all of you wishing you were more like me. And that’s a pretty happy ending.

Without further ado, I happily award the 2010 Awesome Cup to myself:

Thanks all for playing this year. Remember, I'm here every week, good football or bad football, so be sure to check back for some chuckles through the playoffs and the weeks leading up to Draftsgiving. And start getting your act together for next fantasy season, and the race for the 10th Awesome Cup title.