2011 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

Everybody’s team is ready to go, and it’s already obvious how the season will play out. Here are the highlights:

TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ANALYSIS: New guy always gets the bottom preseason ranking, and since he drafted a Lions player in the first round (RB Jahvid Best), he earns that spot. Sam did end up with his man crush, Wes Welker, but forgot to draft Welker’s missing knees afterwards. The only good news for Sam is that he does have QB Kevin “Corn on the” Kolb, so if he starts him in week one he’ll mysteriously end up with Mike Vick by week 5.

TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ANALYSIS: I hate just about everyone on Mike’s team, so that’ll make it easier when he gets busted for performance enhancing drugs later this season (I’m sure he’ll blame it on Heidi). Tony “Toy Moron” Romo, Vincent “He screwed my fantasy team five years ago” Jackson, Stephen “I have to look up this spelling every week” Gostkowski … I’d love to see Mike finish in last. He’ll probably win anyways.

TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ANALYSIS: Bob took QB Aaron Rodgers with the fifth overall pick, which is just a terrible mistake. QBs can be found anywhere. Just look at the Jaguars – they just dropped longtime signal caller David Garrard in favor of old-school QB Cade McNown. Or was it Luke McCown? Reggie Brown? I’ve got no idea.

TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ANALYSIS: Yahoo awarded Anthony the “Toyota Best Draft” award on Sunday, based on their points projections for the year. I’m giving him the “Crazy Glue Cracked Draft” instead, for the most fragile team: QB Mike Vick, RB Arian Foster, TE Owen Daniels. He’s one Fred Taylor away from a glass-bottom boat. He does have the best team name, though.

TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ANALYSIS: Paul forsook his team name in this year’s draft, taking three RBs and Peyton Manning’s bent spine before grabbing his first wideout. Think of him like the New York Giants – just because it says New York in the name doesn’t mean they play anywhere near that city. They play in New Jersey, which explains the stink around Eli Manning.

TEAM: The Wildcat’s Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ANALYSIS: There’s where all of Paul’s beloved WRs went … NewMike grabbed four top receivers (and top-flight TE Vernon Davis too) and no decent RBs to speak of. For good measure, this squad doesn’t have any linebackers either, and includes Donovan McNabb. It’s Andy Reid’s dream team. If only he could have found Doug Pederson somewhere.

TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ANALYSIS: Another good team name, but another bad team. His top two RBs are Mike Tolbert (possibly a type of candy) and BenJarvus Green-Ellis (I’ll never trust any player with the same initials as my power company). Plus, he didn’t even draft Matt Stafford. Talk about false advertising.

TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ANALYSIS: The only player Joanna really wanted on her team was the former Eagles kicker, and she made sure to pick him up a round before everyone else. And really, what’s more important to a fantasy team than the right kicker? Just ask Sam. Kickers rule. I suggest you all drop a WR and pick up an extra one right now.

TEAM: Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ANALYSIS: I thought Dad’s squad looked OK – QB Phillip Rivers, two good TEs and RBs – but apparently his entire team is already on the waiver wire. So why the high rating? Because of RB Daniel Thomas, WR Danario Alexander, RB Jamaal Charles, and RB Ryan Williams, all on his team. Never pick against men with two first names.

TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ANALYSIS: Everything about my team rocks. The name: It’s an anagram of Nnamdi Asomugha. My RBs: Studs LeSean McCoy and MJD. My WRs: Greg Jennings, Reggie Wayne and Jeremy Maclin. My title: Reigning Awesome Cup champion. My downfall: Drafting QB Eli Manning. That’s like topping an ice cream sundae with a rotten egg. A dopey, dopey rotten egg.

TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ANALYSIS: Jim and his ultra-conservative agenda are at it again this year, trying to keep down all the lower-income teams in favor of keeping the rich, fantasy football fat cats ahead. That means overpaying for guys like RB LeGarrette Blount (2nd round), WR Miles Austin (3rd round), QB Matt Schaub (4th round), and the KC defense (why would you draft them at all?). But that kind of “damn the little man” attitude is popular in the country today, so there’s no reason to believe his strategy won’t work.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ANALYSIS: Last time I picked Jeff as the sleeper team of the year he ended up stealing the title. This year? Call it a hunch again. Except for the human stain that is a Cowboys RB, his roster is full of undervalued players: RB Michael Turner, QB Matt Ryan, WR Percy Harvin, TE Tony Gonzalez. It’s a hard-working, blue collar squad. And when Jeff wins the Awesome Cup again and the Eagles win the Super Bowl, make sure to look up and appreciate all those flying pigs circling above.

League play starts Thursday night, folks. Make your roster changes (or dump your entire team, Dad) and get ready for your weekly punishment.