Welcome to fantasy football 2011, better known as “The Quest for Awesome Cup X.” Over the last nine years we’ve had 14 different coaches and seven different champions, but today, everyone starts on equal footing (except me, since I am the reigning Awesome Cup champion for another four months). Nothing is certain. The entire season is a blank slate, just like Andy Reid’s mind on third and one (Pass? Or pass?)
Unfortunately, we’re not even one day into the season and we’ve already got controversy. Long-time fantasy manager Heidi was busted for performance enhancing drugs this weekend, her second violation of the league’s zero-tolerance policy. Sure, it’s unclear how extra folic acid would have helped her roster-setting skills, and the pregnancy seems like a legit excuse, but rules are rules. She’s banned for the season.
Luckily, I’ve already found a replacement, so the draft will take place on schedule next Saturday. For anyone who may have forgotten in the offseason, here are the draft order rules. Because the entire league could not be present for the selection show, appropriate proxies are standing by to represent each coach.
As per unofficial league rules, newbie gets the last pick, so the first name on the board is ...
** 12th pick -- Sam
Welcome to the league, Sam. May your dreams crash and burn like the Patriots in the 2010 playoffs. For the record, the last rookie we put in this spot ended up winning the trophy, so if that happens again we may need to reconsider how we put this system together. Sam’s stand-in for the evening, a copy of Madden 2002 for the Playstation, glares across the line of scrimmage at the news.
The next four names go into the Eagles skull cap and the first name out is ...
** 11th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Seriously, who came up with this idiotic draft order process? My proxy, Junior Awesome, responds to the news by yelling, then bashing the TV stand, then falling asleep. Well played, son. Lull everyone into a false sense of security with the bad pick position, then steal the league out from under them. You’re getting your own team next year.
Another name in, another name out ...
** 10th pick -- Champ Mike
Mike finished second to me last year, so it’s only fitting his name comes after mine again this year. Mike’s proxy, a 2004 Eagles NFC champions T-shirt, is strangely absent from the room at the moment … just like his team was strangely absent from the league until the last moment. One year, we’ll get those Doyles to sign up on time. But it won’t be in the league’s first decade, apparently.
Next pick coming out goes to …
** 9th pick -- Joel
Joel finished in the top half of the league last year and gets rewarded with the worst possible slot he could get. His representative, a plush Eeyore doll, stares glumly from the other side of the room, looking for a thistle sandwich to ease the pain of the news.
Our next cheerful contestant on the board is ...
** 8th pick -- New Mike
It’s hard to remember that this is only New Mike’s third year in the league (in large part because none of us remember who this guy is at all) but he’s already posted two impressive finishes and hoisted the Awesome Cup once. His proxy, scattered pieces from fire truck puzzle, lay unorganized around the toy box, presenting a mystery to us all.
Coming in at the next spot is...
** 7th pick -- Jeff
The Blue Collar Killers will have to produce some blue-collar work to get decent results out of this slot -- No one has ever won the league drafting 7th (note: I didn’t actually fact-check that. It just sounds right). Jeff’s representative, a dragon scooter, takes the news without flinching, his vacant eyes just boring a hole through my soul. I hate that dragon.
Onto the next pick ...
** 6th pick -- Joanna
Joanna’s proxy, Joanna, raises her annual line of questioning about why we conduct the draft order in this fashion and if it’s really necessary to line up all the stuffed animals in the room to watch. She is once again ignored.
The next pick out of the hat goes to ...
** 5th pick -- Bobert
The only league coach with a Ph.D. used his smarts to move way up in the draft order this year -- he finished third in 2010, so by all rights he should be picking much later. His stand-in, a copy of the Dr. Seuss classic “Oh the thinks you can think,” admonishes his opponents with the query “Would you dare yank a tooth off the Rink-Rinker-Fink?” Consider the gauntlet thrown down.
Picking just before him will be ...
** 4th pick -- Dad
Dad gets in line for one of the four elite RBs with this pick (Peterson, Foster, Johnson and … I dunno, Marshall Faulk?), which is great news for his chances. Dad’s proxy, my son, informs me he’s going with his grandfather’s team because he has a better pick, and possibly some Cheerios. That child is a traitor. No team for him next year.
Next name out of the hat is ...
** 3rd pick -- Jim
Great news for Jim: Rashard Mendenhall will almost certainly be available with this pick, along with any number of QBs. Terrell Pryor will probably still be there too. Columbus residents love that guy, don’t they? Jim’s representative, a Brutus Buckeye bottle opener, signals victory in response.
Only two left, and the lucky runner up is ...
** 2nd pick -- Ant
What a waste. You know Anthony is just going to pick up LaDanian Tomlinson yet again with this pick. His fill-in, an Achorman DVD, reminds us all that “Milk was a bad choice.” Not sure how that applies here, but everybody has their own strategy.
All that leaves just one name up top ...
** 1st pick -- Paul
Has a wideout been selected #1 in any fantasy draft ever? This could be the year. Paul and his legendary love of wide receivers pull down the #1 pick, giving him the option of taking Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Reggie Wayne, Greg Lewis … whoever his heart desires. Paul’s proxy, a pair of Eagles mittens, gives itself a round of applause.
OK, folks, get those pre-draft rankings set. The league gets switched to live Saturday morning. Good luck to all (except cheating Heidi).
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