2011 fantasy recap, week 2

Next Sunday, barring a head transplant for Eagles QB Mike Vick, the Giants and Eagles will square off in Philadelphia in a battle of signal-caller greatness: Eli Manning vs. Mike Kafka. Here’s the tale of the tape:

Kafka: Funny name
Manning: Funny face

Manning: 115 INTs in 107 career games
Kafka: Zero INTs in 1 career games

Kafka: Best QB in Northwestern history
Manning: Third best QB in his family

Manning: Won the 2008 Super Bowl
Kafka: Lost the 2010 Outback Bowl

Kafka: Has a soul
Manning: Has a six-year, $97.5 million contract

Seems like a toss-up to me.

QB: Tom Brady, 35.22 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Darren McFadden, 28.93 pts -- started by ChampMike
WR: Jeremy Maclin, 36.50 pts -- sitting on my bench
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 25.03 pts -- started by Jeff
K: Rob Bironas, 15.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: NY Jets, 26.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Morgan Burnett, 10.50 pts -- on the wire

How good has Brady been this year? Through two games, the Patriots QB has already thrown for 940 yards and seven TDs. If he averages just 300 yards a game the rest of the season (170 yards fewer than he averaged in the first two games), he’ll easily pass the single season passing mark of 5,084 yards.

Here’s hoping he has another perfect season like last year: MVP stats in the regular season, then a quick playoff exit.

“Skill players” edition
3rd place: Ricky Williams, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Matt Cassell, -2.68 pts -- started by me
1st place: Luke McCown, -4.74 pts -- on the wire

Not only did I leave the best player of the week on my bench, I also started the second worst player of the week. All told, I left 49 pts on my bench. Good all around effort by me.

But even more impressive was the work of Jags QB Luke McCown, who made Matt Cassell’s four-turnover day look almost respectable. McCown tossed four interceptions and completed only six passes to his own team, good for 59 yards and a 1.2 QB rating. For the record, that’s 33 times worse than your QB rating on Sunday (one attempt, no completions, no interceptions equals a 39.6 rating).

On Sunday, Lions K Jason Hanson set an NFL record by playing in his 297th game with the same team. Here’s a look at some of the good times he has gotten to enjoy over his nearly 20-year career in the Motor City:

-- Two Pro-Bowl selections
-- Five playoff appearances
-- Zero playoff wins
-- 191 losses (career .359 win percentage)
-- A record 26-game road losing streak
-- A record 0-16 regular season
-- 8 different head coaches
-- 21 different starting QBs
-- 97 missed FGs (against 441 made)
-- 8 missed XPs (against 576 made)
-- One Barry Sanders retirement

If there’s a Hall of Fame for withstanding punishment, Hanson is a lock to get in.

This week’s award goes to the guy who sat behind me at the Phillies game Saturday night (when the Phils clinched their fifth straight NL East title). Among the gems he uncorked during the game:

-- “Stutes is terrible. You can’t rush him up if you’re not ready to pitch in the big leagues.” P Mike Stutes had a bad game Saturday, but it was his 53rd of the year. That’s not exactly rushing him to the bigs.

-- “Now they’re in trouble. Berkman is due.” Cardinals OF Lance Berkman was two for three at that point in the game.

-- “Lidge has his stuff tonight!” P Brad Lidge did indeed get the final out of the 8th for the Phils, but it was on one pitch. Not a great sample size.

-- “They’ve got to bring in Madison already. BRING IN MADISON!” The Phillies closer is P Ryan Madson. There is no I in ‘closer.’

Great omens related to the Phillies five-peat as division champs:

-- Look at the words “World Series Champs.” World has five letters. Champs has five letters. Series has five letters, plus one.

-- How many World Series have the Phillies won? Two. How many have they played in? Four. How many World Series take place this year? One. Two plus four minus one? Five.

-- No Phillies team in history has every won five consecutive division titles and failed to win the World Series (This is the first time the team has ever won five in a row).

-- Who wears #5 for the Phillies. 2B Pete Orr. He’s Canadian. Who won the last major sports championship? The Boston Bruins, a team FULL of Canadians. Case closed.

The hero-but-almost-goat of the Cowboys win on Sunday over the 49ers was unheralded WR Jesse Holley, who in overtime took a 77-yard pass down the two-yard line before being tackled while showboating. Many were surprised by the wideout’s big play, considering he was only on the roster because he won the reality show “4th and Long” to earn a spot at the team’s training camp. But one quick look at his name shows why he belongs on the Cowpokes’ squad:

Jesse Holley -- Joyless heel
Wide Receiver Jesse Holley -- Jeers: I yell, deceive whores
Reality Star Jesse Holley -- Tailor’s hell: Jersey yeast

I don’t even understand that last one, but it’s clear this guy is completely revolting.

Week 2 standings

Tough week for Bobert, who already finds himself down almost 100 points in the standings. But I dropped all the way into last place early last season and pulled myself up to the top through hard work, persistence and tax breaks for small businesses making less than $5 million annually. That’s called “good coaching.” Just ask Jim.

-- Picked up two games on Dad this weekend, so we’re tied for the year. Want to know my secret? Pick against Eagles QBs. Donovan McNabb, Kevin Kolb and Mike Vick all lost this weekend. Koy Detmer was unavailable for comment.

-- Rams QB Sam Bradford currently holds the title of worst rusher in the NFL, with -15 yards on the ground through two games. At his current pace, he’ll finish the year with -120 yards rushing. Browns QB Colt McCoy is the worst WR, with one catch for -5 yards, on pace for -40 receiving yards for the season.

-- This weekend’s Eagles-Giants game marks the first meeting since WR DeSean Jackson’s last-second punt-return TD win last fall (Miracle at the Meadowlands III or IV, depending on how you’re counting.) You know what would be awesome this week? A “Miracle on Broad Street” game. Except this time, the home team takes the win. And instead of a last-minute comeback, they just kick the crap out of the visitors and win by 35. That’d be fun.