2009 fantasy recap, week #5

Here’s my fashion schedule for the baseball postseason:

The Chase Utley T-shirt
This goes on at the start of games, and usually means good things for the Phillies offense. However, it has mixed results with Phillies pitching, and was present in DC for one of Cliff Lee’s worst outings of the year.
Verdict: Acceptable to wear during early innings.

The Jimmy Rollins T-shirt
Jimmy actually plays better when I wear his number, but it doesn’t transfer over to anyone else in the lineup. It also is a size too large and makes me look like I’m wearing Matt Stairs’ clothes.
Verdict: Keep it off, but nearby for a late Rollins at bat.

The 2008 WFC T-shirt
This is the Cliff Lee shirt; It reminds him that he doesn’t have a ring yet, and he’ll need to buckle down to earn one. So far he’s got a 1.65 ERA with me wearing it. Unfortunately, it does nothing for Cole Hamels.
Verdict: A must-wear for the Cy Young winner’s games

The Eagles T-shirt
This item has no Phillies in it, and repeated washings have not gotten the Mike Vick smell out.
Verdict: Banned from the same room as a Phillies game.

The playoff shirt
My red Philadelphia 76ers shirt – On the front, it has “It’s a Philly thing” in a large, flowery font. It’s so ugly, I won’t wear it out of the house. But it’s the shirt I wore for the clinching game of all three post-season series last year.
Verdict: I’ve changed into it midway through the last two games, both come from behind wins.

You may think all of this is amusing, but I assure you I’m not kidding. When Lidge came into the game last night, I ran across the house and grabbed the playoff shirt before he could throw a pitch. Nearly broke my neck, but it saved the game.

QB: Matt Hasselbeck, 35.94 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
RB: Michael Turner, 27.70 pts – started by Jeff
WR: Miles Austin, 39.15 pts – sitting on the wire
TE: Kellen Winslow, 27.80 pts – started by Joel
K: Lawrence Tynes, 14.00 pts – started by Dad
DEF: Seattle, 30.00 pts – started by Jeff
D: Ed Reed, 13.50 pts – sitting on my bench

Still not listed among the top performers: T.O. I’m just saying…

“Starting” Quarterbacks edition
3rd place: Seneca Wallace, -0.30 pts – started by me
2nd place: Derek Anderson, -0.88pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: JaMarcus Russell, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire

I say “starting” QBs because Yahoo told me that Seneca Wallace was starting this week, so I picked him up off waivers and dropped him into my lineup. Imagine how excited I was when I saw that Seattle had put up 41 pts in their win over the Jaguars … and how furious I was when I saw that Hasselbeck had thrown 4 TDs in his first game back.

A glitch in Yahoo also kept me from picking up two WRs Sunday night (have fun with Maclin and Austin Collie, latecomers!), so whoever behind the scenes at Yahoo is screwing me over gets the “Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week” award. You’ll see how much that hurt me in the standings later on.

Don’t know how closely you were watching that Broncos/Patriots game on Sunday, but about midway through the game they started running promos for the 60 Minutes episode coming up after the game. Play-by-play announcer Jim Nantz several times teased their lead report this way:

What is the most dangerous sport in the world? How about jumping off a cliff and waving your arms like a bird?

I didn’t see the report, so all day Monday I had a Lewis Black “If it weren’t for my horse” episode in my head. Is that a sport? Is it a separate from cliff diving, where they don’t act like a bird? If we’re just making stuff up, wouldn’t napalm juggling be more dangerous? Are those two sentences even connected? Was Jim Nantz just bored?

Naturally, I did the only logical thing: I went up to the roof and jumped off, to see if I could win a gold medal. It took me 20 hours to type this recap up with my broken arms.

Rocktober.

A few faces on the Dodgers have changed from last year, and a few of the old enemies are still there. Here’s a quick primer:

P Randy Wolf – This former Phillie is in his second stint with the California Yankees, but wasn’t with them for their abbreviated playoff run last year. Still, chances of the Wolf Pack re-appearing at Citizens Bank Park are only 5 percent.

PH Jim Thome – This former Phillie will be the basis of at least three different features titled “Did the Phillies make the right choice letting him go?” The answer is an obvious yes, but they’ll debate it anyway.

P Vincente Padilla – This former Phillie (for the love of gawd, do they have any of their own players) has been a critical late-season add for the Dodgers. Chances of the Padilla Flotilla re-appearing at Citizens Bank Park are only 2 percent.

LF Manny Ramirez – This former star of the “Predator” movies will play in the series, unless MLB decides to drug test the players before game one. (It won’t.)

P Jonathon Broxton – The Dodgers closer blew six saves this year. I’m just taking a wild guess here, but I’m betting that’s not going to be the headline when they talk about these two teams bullpens.

The stinking Cowboys managed to sneak out an overtime win against the dreadful Chiefs this weekend (The Eagles beat the Chiefs 34-14, FYI) and now face the unusual stretch of the Hotlanta Falcons, Seattle Seahawks and Philadelphia Eagles in the next three weeks. What’s odd about that? I’ll let Dallas’ lead RB spell that out for you.

Dallas Cowboys Running back Marion S. Barber
-- Birds alarm us. Bank on balance, wins? No. Go cry, bro. --

So for the next three weeks, we’re all really big birds fans … except for the Cardinals. They can still rot in Phoenix.

Click on the standings to see them larger.

Jeff posted the biggest week so far, posting 173.15 pts thanks to those two top performers. Champ Mike, meanwhile, posted one of the worst weeks ever in this league: A 50.75-pts week that featured only one player in double digits. His bench, for comparison, scored nearly 39 pts.

Neal failed to field a kicker, a defense or any defensive players this week, and started a WR who recorded no points. That’s about the only reason I didn’t fall into last place.

** Dad dropped another game in our standings solely because KC didn’t pull out that upset over the Cowboys. So he gets props for a gutsy call, but that still leaves him six games down just five weeks into the season.

** Browns QB Derek Anderson was 2 for 17 for 23 yards and one INT, posting a miserable 15.1 QB rating. Remember, just going outside and throwing a ball into the ground is a 39.5 QB rating. Anderson was two and a half times worse than that. Naturally, the Browns won that game, 6-3.

** I had planned a whole big section on the Maryland Racial Slurs losing to the Panthers, but nothing I could come up with was funnier than the Washington Post this morning: Taking the Giants out of the mix, the Racial Slurs four other opponents are 2-22 on the year. And those two wins are against the Maryland team.

** If the Dodgers get by the Phils, and the Yankees beat up the Angels, then the World Series will be Joe Torre vs his old team. You think the Brett Favre/Packers battle coverage was bad on ESPN? That would be 20 times worse. The Phils are playing for the sanity of baseball fans everywhere.

2009 fantasy recap, week #4

This week’s NFL slate featured the comeback that everyone – everyone! – has been fearing for the last two years. It was a beloved hero seemingly turning on his back on his loyal fans. It was a record-setting QB who felt shunned by the franchise he loved and forced into enemy territory. It was the ultimate act of traitorism, a modern day Benedict Arnold on the football field.

I’m talking, of course, about Kyle Boller playing in his home state of California against the team he grew up rooting for, the San Francisco 49ers.

As you know before Boller set the record for all-time passing yards for the Baltimore Ravens, he was a stand-out star at William Hart High School in Newhall, Calif., and a hero with the California Golden Bears in college. But the 49ers ignored him in the 2003 draft, ruining his chance of a dream pro career in front of his family and hometown fans.

This weekend, now as a member of the St. Louis Rams, Boller finally had his chance at revenge, but came up just short as the 49ers won 35-0. But Boller’s 108 passing yards and two turnovers were the talk of the NFL, a less-than-triumphant return that divided the nation and left many wondering if it spoiled Boller’s legacy.

Regardless, this kind of on-field drama doesn’t come around often in the NFL, and deserved all the attention it got. It’s just a shame that Boller’s vindication/revenge plotline overshadowed the rest of the league. I think the Vikings QB had some sort of comeback this week too, but you didn’t hear anything about it.

QB: David Garrard, 32.72 pts – started by Champ Mike
RB: Rashard Mendenhall, 32.23 pts – started by Heidi
WR: NY Steve Smith, 31.93 pts – started by New Mike
TE: Antonio Gates, 29.27 pts – started by Heidi
K: Josh Scobee, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: San Francisco, 44.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Jared Allen, 20.00 pts – sitting on the wire

By “sitting on the wire” I of course mean "already picked up by Paul for his team." You snooze, you lose, kids.

And if you had Rashard Mendenall and the other Steve Smith as the top performers of the week, you and I are planning a trip to Vegas.

Special defense edition
3rd place: Ryan Mundy, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Tennessee, -2.00 pts – started by Joanna
1st place: Detroit, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Tennessee and Detroit are among the worst defenses of the year (4th and 3rd worst, to be exact). The only ones worse? Carolina, with 17 pts on the year, and St. Louis, with 15 pts in four games.

** Denver is on pace to allow only 104 pts this season (26 pts through four games.) Conversely, St. Louis is only on pace to score 96 pts this season (24 pts through four games).

** Saints S Darren Sharper is on pace for 8 defensive TDs this year, which would be an NFL record. Bills WR Terrell Owens is on pace for just four TDs this year, which would be a record low for him.

** Oakland is on pace to record 1,504 more punting yards than yards of offense on the season (834 offensive yards vs 1,210 punting yards through four games)

** Steelers WR Hines Ward is on pace for 104 catches and 1,420 receiving yards this year (26 catches and 355 yards in four games) … but no TDs.

** Denver RB Correll Buckhalter is on pace to rush for 1,068 yards (267 though four games), or 650 yards more than Eagles RB Brian Westbrook.

On Saturday night ABC analyst Kirk Herbstreit described Florida State as “the USC of college football in the 1990s.”

Kirk Herbstreit, ladies and gentlemen; He’s the Joe Theismann of football analysts.

Eagles regular season wins since 1/1/2007: 19
Phillies regular season wins since 1/1/2007: 274

Eagles division titles since 1/1/2007: 0
Phillies division titles since 1/1/2007: 3

Eagles post-season wins since 1/1/2007: 2
Phillies post-season wins since 1/1/2007: 11

Eagles ties since 1/1/2007: 1
Phillies ties since 1/1/2007: 0

As the Eagles prepare for Tampa Bay and the Phillies prepare for Colorado, remember who really loves you, and who really needs your support this week.

It's the Phils, OK? Do I have to spell everything out for you?

A lot of folks down in Dallas are wondering how the 4-0 Broncos could have upset that vaunted Cowboys offense after they led 10-0 early in the game. And a lot of the blame falls on the shoulders of Cowboys Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett, the man who should have been focused on unraveling Brian Dawkins and that Denver secondary.

But Garrett’s boys seemed distracted all game, and just looking at his name shows why:

Dallas Cowboys Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett
-- I was rooting for Favre (lad can jet!) so Broncos stole day --

Geez, was there anyone who wasn’t sucked in by that stupid Favre-vs-Packers game? C’mon!

Click on the image to see it larger.

Another week, another new leader – this week it’s the newbie, who has been hanging around in second for a while now. Meanwhile, last week’s leader Anthony sets the record for the quickest nose dive out of the top spot, dropping way back into the second-tier of teams.

Neal managed to field almost a whole team this week (he still started an injured WR and an inactive K), so the “Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week” award instead drops to Jim, who started two players on a bye this week -- a bold strategy that ultimately did not work. Honorable mention goes to ARBCWer for life Jeff, who left a player slot open for unknown reasons.

** Bad week for Dad – he dropped three more games, and now sits five behind in our annual battle for pride.

** I'm watching the Tigers-Twins play-in game, and the go-ahead run just got thrown out at home to end the 10th inning. This is too awesome.

** If you look up "respect" in the Google dictionary, it says "not scheduling the two reigning NL champions to ridiculous early afternoon and late evening first-round games so the Yankees can have more exposure." Go ahead, look it up.

2009 fantasy recap, week #3

Pop Quiz: What do these 106 NFL players have in common?

Mike Wallace, Davone Bess, Josh Reed, Andre Caldwell, Derek Fine, Heath Miller, Jerome Harrison, Kelley Washington, Jabar Gaffney, Alge Crumpler, Ladell Betts, Sidney Rice, Legedu Naanee, Mike Furrey, Josh Morgan, Sean Ryan, Jeremy Maclin, Kevin Faulk, Sammy Morris, Rock Cartwright, Dennis Northcutt, Jason Snelling, Vonta Leach, Jamaal Charles, Keenan Burton, Julian Edelman, Jordy Nelson, Donnie Avery, Austin Collie, Malcom Floyd, Lousaka Polite, Brian Finneran, Justin Fargas, Will Heller, Jerheme Urban, Marty Booker, Derrick Ward, Donald Lee, Bobby Wade, Brad Smith, Dustin Keller, Chansi Stuckey, Joey Galloway, Isaac Bruce, Sammie Stroughter, Louis Murphy, Travis Beckum, Brandon Pettigrew, Jacoby Jones, Greg Camarillo, Nate Washington, Leonard Weaver, Stephen Spach, Jason Avant, Daniel Fells, David Anderson, Zach Miller, Deion Branch, Chris Baker, Randy McMichael, Daniel Graham, Matt Spaeth, Devin Thomas, Greg Jones, Ben Hartsock, Ernest Wilford, Benjamin Watson, Joshua Cribbs, Aaron Brown, Greg Lewis, Kenneth Darby, Reggie Brown, Brian Leonard, Deon Butler, Martellus Bennett, Mohamed Massaquoi, Jason Wright, Roscoe Parrish, Jerramy Stevens, Brad Cottam, Moran Norris, Fred Davis, Anthony Becht, Terrance Copper, Mike Thomas, Limas Sweed, Mike Karney, Matt Lawrence, Mike Sellers, Robert Royal, Tony Scheffler, LaRod Stephens-Howling, Daniel Coats, Jeff King, Cameron Morrah, L.J. Smith, Michael Robinson, Owen Schmitt, B.J. Askew, John Kuhn, Rashad Jennings, John Owens, Sinorice Moss, Ben Obomanu, Lawrence Vickers, Marcedes Lewis

Here’s a hint – John Owens is a TE for Seattle. He recorded one catch for 6 yards on Sunday.

Give up yet?

That’s right! All 106 of them had more catches on Sunday than Terrell Owens, who was held without a catch for the first time in 185 games. If you decided to start Travis Beckum or Ben Obomanu over TO for your fantasy team this week, you picked the right superstar.

QB: Peyton Manning, 37.06 pts – started by Paul
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 35.77 pts – started by Paul
WR: Santana Moss, 27.87 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
TE: Vernon Davis, 25.40 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
K: Olindo Mare, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Dallas, 21.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Terrance Newman, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Paul was thiiiiiiis close to posting the unprecedented trifecta of top players, but his lack of faith in Moss (usually a good call) cost him a boatload of points and a chance to hop even further up the standings. That has to be a bitter blow for someone who loves WRs as much as Paul.

3rd place: Jeff Garcia, -2.20 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Derek Anderson, -2.32 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: St. Louis, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Poor Jeff Garcia – in what will likely be his only action this season, the plucky third-stringer fumbled away a handoff and collected no other stats of note. Still, that wasn’t as unimpressive as Derek Anderson’s three INTs in relief during Cleveland’s loss, or St. Louis’ posting the second-worst score of the year.

Beating Delhomme’s week one -5.68 pts is gonna be tough, but I feel like someone on St. Louis could do it.

Now that Jeremiah Trotter has been re-signed as an Eagle, here's a partial list of other former birds I'd love to see return:

#10 QB Koy Detmer -- I'd rather see his butt-slap dance than a Mike Vick scramble any day.

#22 RB Duce Staley -- Tell me he wouldn't still be a competent third-down back.

#46 Herman Edwards -- We'd only need him for Giants games.

#59 LB Seth Joyner -- If Trotter can still hit, I'm sure Joyner can still hit.

#89 TE Mike Ditka -- He was only in Philly for one year (1967), but I have a feeling he'd be a good addition to the coaching staff today.

Can't think of anyone else right now. Nope, no one comes to mind.

This guy looked OK, though.

I’ll admit this week’s “stupidest thing” is more baffling than stupid. As I listened to the Virginia Tech pregame show on Saturday, the local jokers were recounting the exciting last-second touchdown pass by the Hokies a week before, in their defeat of Nebraska. It was a brilliant scramble and pass by Tech QB Tyrod Taylor.

One of the commentators exclaimed that the touchdown “is the kind of play that’ll make Tyrod Taylor a household name.”

“Tyrod” is not a household name. “Tyrod” will never be a household name. “Tyrod” is not any kind of name.

Tyrod’s parents’ names are Rod and Trina; That is no excuse for naming your kid Tyrod. I always assumed they wanted to name him “Tyrone” but didn’t have enough money growing up to afford any extra n’s or e’s. Or maybe he looked like a tire iron growing up. Or maybe, just maybe, I misheard his name any of the 700 times I’ve heard it in his three years as QB.

The Hokies’ web site lists his nicknames as “T-mobile” or “Black Rod.” Either one of these is closer to a household name than “Tyrod.”

Detroit snapped their 19-game losing streak on Sunday, beating the hapless Maryland Racial Slurs. What’s happened since their last win, back on Dec. 23, 2007?

** The Phillies won 192 games (and one World Series!)
** The Eagles won 15 games (and tied one!)
** Ford stock jumped from about $7 a share to nearly $9, then dropped to less than $2, then jumped back up to almost $9, then settled down back around $7 a share
** We opened our Christmas presents – twice
** The Washington Nationals lost 204 games
** Brett Favre retired -- twice

Best local headline after the win: “Washington bails out Detroit … again.”

Dallas QB Tony Romo had another tough night Monday, and things don’t get any easier with a trip to 3-0 Denver next weekend. How will the Cowboys’ play caller fare there?

There’s no better person to ask than someone from the Dallas secondary, someone who watches Romo every day in practice: Safety Pat Watkins. Publicly he says his QB will be fine, but looking at the letters in his name reveals the truth.

Dallas Cowboys free safety Patrick Watkins
-- Yo: FS Dawkins will attack SOB. Escape? Try fear --

Frankly, I think the most surprising part isn’t his knowledge of the Denver secondary, but that fact that he called his own QB an SOB. That’s cold.


Click on the picture to see it bigger.

Right now at the top of the standings we’ve got two people who have no idea what they’re doing (Ant and New Mike); At the bottom, we have the entire Ohio contingent (Jim, Joel and Jeff), with Joanna falling rapidly in an attempt to prove her love for Columbus.

And in dead last we have the reigning “Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week” champion, Neal. For the second week in a row, Neal started a third-string QB. For the third week in a row, he started a kicker and a defensive player who have yet to play a down. And for good measure this week he kept a WR slot wide open, and left 45 more points on his bench.

Is that a worse call than Andy Reid himself scripting a QB rollout on a fourth-and-one, instead of a simple run up the middle? Probably not. But it’s close enough.

** Dad and I split the picks this week, so I’m still only up two. We had some math problems here at The Fort last week related to the current standings.

** Yes, that was Greg Lewis catching the game-winning TD in the final seconds of the Vikings win over the 49ers. No, I cannot explain it.

** Bye weeks start this week. If you have any Eagles, put them on your bench and start someone else, unless you think Neal has a winning strategy here.

** If you didn't get the boxing glove reference in the Trotter section, go back and click the link in the header.

** In case I haven’t hammered this point home, go outside now with a football, throw it up in the air, and catch it. You’ve now had a more productive day than T.O. did on Sunday. But I’m sure he’ll bounce back just fine, and not hold it against anyone.

2009 fantasy recap, week #2

A critical look at who has been more helpful to the Eagles at the QB position over the last two years: backup Kevin Kolb (8 appearances), or backup Koy Detmer (zero appearances).

Yards passing Kolb = 558 yards
Yards passing Koy = zero yards
ADVANTAGE: Kolb

Points by Kolb = minus-6 (two TDs, three INTs returned for TDs)
Points by Koy = zero (no TDs or INTs)
ADVANTAGE: Koy

QB rating Kolb = 50.6 rating
QB rating Koy = 39.5 rating (zero completions and attempts)
ADVANTAGE: Kolb

Starts by Kolb = 0-1 record
Starts by Koy = 0-0 record
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Rushing yards Kolb = 2 yards in 16 attempts
Rushing yards Koy = 0 yards in 0 attempts
ADVANTAGE: Kolb (barely)

Salary of Kolb = $1.6 million
Salary of Koy = $0.0 million
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Neckbeard of Kolb = 5 o’clock shadow
Neckbeard of Koy = Full
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Results --- Koy 4, Kolb 3
I knew we never should have let that Detmer retire.

QB: Matt Schaub, 38.68 pts – started by Ant
RB: Chris Johnson, 52.50 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Andre Johnson, 31.93 pts – started by Ant
TE: Dallas Clark, 25.20 pts – started by Ant
K: Ryan Lindell, 16.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Charles Woodson, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Jo managed to field the second-best RB and QB this week, and gets no love here whatsoever. It's all Anthony, all the time this week, except for our single-player record for points in Chris Johnson.

And despite his 187 yards rushing, nine catches, 87 receiving yards and three TDs, his team lost. Why? See exhibits QB and WR on Ant's team.

3rd place: Donnie Avery, -0.73 pts – started by Bob
2nd place: Tennessee, -1.00 pts – started by Joanna
1st place: Greg Toler, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Joanna did manage to get on this list, however.

I’m used to hearing a lot of stupid commentary during football games, especially during college contests.

So when the announcers in Saturday’s Florida-Tennessee game talked about QB Tim Tebow’s “speed and quickness” (as if there’s a difference) I didn’t flinch. When they said the Volunteers’ RB blew by “two Florida football players” (as opposed to the basketball team?) I didn’t groan. When Verne Lundquist suggested that Tennessee, on their first possession of the game, needed to “run out the clock to win this game” (just one 58-minute drive should do it!) I wasn’t upset.

But when color commentator Gary Danielson complimented Tennessee QB Jonathan Crompton’s “eye vision” in the second quarter, I couldn’t take it any more. Eye vision? Instead of his ear vision? Or the blimp vision? Or maybe his eye feeling?

That’s just dumb stupid.

There are times I’m simply appalled by the actions of the Cowboys on the field, but that doesn’t hold a candle to what they do off the field. Take this new acquisition, for instance: The letters in his name reveal just how evil he is:

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I gore felons and even shy kids ---

“Oh, that’s a stretch,” you say. “These anagrams are forced. Anybody can make up one ridiculous line.”

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I knifed a nosy vender’s legs. Oh! ---

“Fine, you got two,” you say. “That proves nothing.”

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I enslave honkys. God, send fire! ---

Pure evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

As I type at 9 p.m. on Tuesday:

** The Phillies' magic number is 5 (any combination of Phils wins and Braves losses totaling five gives them the division win).
** The Eagles' magic number is 16 (any combination of Eagles wins and Giants losses totaling 16 gives them the division).
** The Flyers' magic number is 83 (any combination of Flyers wins and division opponent's losses totaling 83 gives them the division).
** The Sixers' magic number is 83 (any combination of Sixers wins and division opponent's losses totaling 83 gives them the division).
** The Soul's magic number is one (It'll take a magic act for them to play one more game ever).

Click on the image below to enlarge

Apparently the only thing you need to win this league is a first name of Mike. I’m thinking of picking up Vick just to see if it inspires my team.

Meanwhile, Jim earns the "Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week" award by leaving 41 pts on his bench, but it wasn't without a fight. Neal again managed to start three inactive players (and two others who didn't score a point) and Joel inexplicably forgot to start one of his defensive players.

But hey, everyone makes these mistakes early in the year. The Eagles forgot to come out for the second half on Sunday.

*** I’m three games up on Dad in the weekly picks. The key this week? My pick of the Saints over the Eagles. I’m not proud, but then again neither is a franchise that starts Kevin Kolb and employs Mike Vick, so…

*** New Texas Stadium has a 700-mile long jumbotron (that’s an exaggeration), is as long as the Empire State Building is high (not an exaggeration), boasts padded seats throughout (not an exaggeration) and features cage dancers in the upper rafters (I still can’t believe that one either). As my darling wife just observed, the more you think about Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, the more you think he may be a modern-day Caligula.

*** Heidi has updated her team name to “The Most Interesting Team in the World,” which inspired her interesting players like Devery Henderson, Cedric Benson and Carnell Williams to slip 20 points behind her total last week. But that shouldn’t discourage anyone from updating their team name to better reflect your expectations and dreams for your squad.

For example, since Bob slipped into last place, he volunteered to change his team name to “The Dallas Cowboys” in the hopes that it affects the NFC East standings too. And Anthony has already said he’s planning on changing his team name to “I love Mike Vick XOXOX” after he scores his first TD this weekend.

2009 Fantasy recap, week #1

Now with new and improved graphics!

*** QB Drew Brees is on pace to throw for 5,728 yards and 96 touchdowns (358 yards and 6 TDs on Sunday). That’s 644 more yards and 46 more TDs than the current NFL records.

*** WR Randy Moss is on pace to have 192 catches and 2,256 yards (12 catches for 141 yards on Monday). That’s 49 more catches and 408 more yards than the current NFL records. But, he’s not on pace to catch a single TD all year.

*** S Brian Dawkins is on pace to record 112 solo tackles and 64 more tackle assists this year (7 solo tackles and four assists on Sunday). That would set a new NFL record for pain.

*** The St. Louis Rams are on pace not to score a single point this year (They were shut out by Seattle on Sunday). That would be 37 points less than the current NFL low for team scoring in a year, set by Cincinnati in 1937.

*** QB Donovan McNabb is on pace to break 16 ribs this season. Not to worry – the human body contains 24 ribs, so if they go to the Super Bowl he’ll still have a few left over in February.

QB: Drew Brees, 48.32 pts – started by Jo
RB: Adrian Peterson, 38.20 pts – started by Neal
WR: Reggie Wayne, 27.30 pts – started by Jeff
TE: John Carlson, 24.33 pts – started by Dad
K: Neil Rackers, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Philly, 37.00 pts – started by Dad
D: Osi Umenyiora, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire

I'm in three different fantasy leagues this year, which I'll admit is one too many. However, as if I'm not getting kicked around enough by you people, I played against Wayne plus the Philly D in one league and Brees plus Rackers in the other.

Needless to say, I already hate everyone.

3rd place: Kevin Kolb, -0.68 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Anthony Fasano, -1.33 pts – started by new Mike
1st place: Jake Delhomme, -5.68 pts – sitting on my bench

I love messy, messy QB days, because it lets me pull out the old tried and true Reverse QB Rating machine.

If you assume Delhomme was playing so the Panthers would win, then he did terrible: five turnovers vs. only 7 completed passes for 73 yards, and a miserable 14.7 QB rating on the day.

But, if you assume that Delhomme was actually playing for the Eagles, then it’s a little brighter. If you include that fumbled TD, Delhomme went 4 for 17 throwing to the Eagles for 47 yards, one TD and seven interceptions, for a Reverse QB Rating of 19.6.

Either way, his performance was so bad it’s still sits below Kolb’s lifetime QB rating of 25.0, in eight appearances with The Birds. But I’m sure Kolb will be fine on Sunday.

During Toledo’s big win over Colorado University last Friday (a better question is "why weren't you watching?") one of the sideline reporters remarked that the Colorado team looked sluggish and slow, possibly because of their short week of practice. Play-by-play guy Ron Franklin was impressed with that analysis:

“Your accuracy is right on. They do look slow.”

You know, I actually paused for a minute when I heard that, thinking back to my accuracy-vs-precision lecture in sophomore year chemistry. Can you have inaccurate accuracy? After a moment, my brain shut down, and the next thing I knew I was standing in the middle of the street without any pants on.

It’s the first week of the season, so I can overlook a lot of mistakes. For example, I’m not even going to mention that both Heidi and Joel left 26 points on their bench. I don’t even think it’s worth pointing out that Jim left 28 points on his bench this week too.

But Neal took bad early season coaching to a new level, managing his team like Jim Tressel facing down a non-conference opponent. He left 21 more points on his bench and started four players who were inactive at kickoff.

Those are quality moves right there. Neal is like a fantasy football Michael Jordan, if Jordan just forgot to show up once the game started.

So now that the infamous T.O. is out of Dallas, who exactly are the wide receivers left behind? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a quick look at their pass catchers, with their anagram biographies:

*** Dallas’ Roy Williams
“I am a sad, silly WR. LOL.”
*** Dallas Cowboys WR Miles Austin
“I’m a cursed stain, lowly slob. Aw.”
*** Dallas wideout Patrick Crayton
“I is a rotten cad, a tacky pull. Word.”

Good looking group of leftovers right there.

Now with new and improved graphics! Click on the standings to see them bigger.

Big surprise there -- Despite six passing TDs for Jo's team and two top performers for Dad, Mike somehow ends up in first place again.

Meanwhile, Anthony finishes week 1 all the way in last, but the consolation prize there is his poor performance is largely due to T.O.'s terrible game on Monday. So at least that's great news.

*** I’m one game up on the weekly picks with Dad. This may be my first lead in our weekly battles since 2003.

*** I can’t say for sure, but I believe that Jimmy Rollins is the Eagles designated emergency QB for this upcoming weekend.

*** Don't know if you heard, but I wasn't the only one upset that Michael Vick gets to wear #7, Ron Jaworski's old jersey. Apparently Jaws complained about it to the Eagles brass, and they told him he'd have to give it up. His new number now? K-9.

Blame that one on my father-in-law -- he had me going for a few minutes with that.

By the way, apparently I'm psychic

I'm getting ready for the weekly fantasy recaps, going through last year's posts, when I came across this one last Sept. 16:

----------------------------------------------
BUY OR SELL
Stock: WR Mike Vick
Trader’s Rec: BUY. It’s only nine months until the Eagles sign him to a free agent contract. Trust me, buy into it early.
----------------------------------------------

No editing there, folks. In fact, I wish I was wrong about it. But if you want to know next week's lottery numbers, just give me a call.

A breakdown of the Phillies record

And why it's so frustrating to follow them this year, despite their seemingly commanding division lead over the last three months.

Fantasy football -- preseason rankings

Nobody picked up Mike Vick in last night’s draft, so we’ll have to do the preseason rankings the old fashioned way: complete guesswork. Here are the predictions:

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 13th place, 1700 pts
What will work: Well, he’s got nowhere to go but up after last year’s last-place finish. So fielding a team is a positive start.
What won’t work: RB Michael Turner carried the ball 15,000 times last year and will get injured in week 1. WR Roy Williams sucks. WR Michael Crabtree isn’t signed yet. And Jeff doesn’t believe in using the waiver wire. Ouch.

Heidi (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
What will work: Something will, because somehow Heidi’s teams always end up working. Also, I believe this is the 10th year in a row she drafted TE Antonio Gates.
What won’t work: QB Tony Romo with the first pick? TE Jason Whitten in the second? I will be actively rooting against this team the entire year, for obvious reasons.

Suck My Vick (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800 pts
What will work: How does Anthony end up with RB LaDanian Tomlinson on his team nearly every year?
What won’t work: Ha! He ended up with T.O. on his team too. That a sure sign of a fire sale – offer him something really crappy now, and he’s bound to trade.

Pick Six Dix (new Mike)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
What will work: If this was a non-rookie team I’d have ranked him higher. QB Tom Brady, RB Chris Johnson and WR Wes Welker? That's a good starting trio.
What won’t work: He landed QB Brett Farve, who could easily become a clubhouse cancer. Plus, he’s the new guy. Even if new Mike is doing well, I’ll figure out a way to mess with the scoring so he finishes low.

BetterThanYourTeam (Dad)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
What will work: RB Steve Slaton and QB Phillip Rivers? If Dad knew who either of those were, he’d be excited. But he’ll at least recognize WR Larry Fitzgerald.
What won’t work: Dad only has three Eagles on his team, and one of them is S Quintin Demps. I’m betting he dumps half his squad over the weekend to pick up WR Hank Baskett and FB Kyle Eckel.

Palin's Death Panels (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
What will work: Someone explain to me how one of the two non-Eagles fans in the league ended up with RB Brian Westbrook in the draft? You all should be ashamed.
What won’t work: Jim used his first pick to land Westbrook, breaking his long-held strategy of drafting QBs first. The shock to his system alone is enough to throw him off his game all year.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (Bobert)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
What will work: He’s got a classic NFC East fantasy team. Six of his offensive players are in the division now, two others (QB Kurt Warner and TE Jeremy Shockey) are veterans of it and WR Nate Washington sounds like he should be in there too.
What won’t work: His top WR, Brandon Marshall, is demanding a trade and won’t play. Thanks for the draft help there, Yahoo. You couldn’t fit WR Plaxico Burress in anywhere?

ZombieJacko Comeback (me)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
What will work: My first four picks were great – RB Steven Jackson, WR Randy Moss, QB Aaron Rodgers, WR Marques Colston. That’s how you draft a team. Bonus points for getting Dawkins too.
What won’t work: My next four picks were all WR and TEs, and my next RB came in round 13. Apparently, I need to switch names with Paul because this team is nothing but wideouts.

Chase Utley's WFCs (Joanner)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
What will work: Wondering where all the good RBs are in this league? Joanna has four of them, plus QB Drew Brees and his 5,000 passing yards last year.
What won’t work: None of her WRs are #1 on their own teams. And she ended up with three TEs, but none of them are really any good. She might as well have picked up TE Brent Celek and called it a day.

Bullets over Burress (Joel)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
What will work: He still has the best team name; That counts for something, right? OK, how about RB Matt Forte, QB Jay Cutler, WR Steve Smith and WR Anquan Boldin?
What won’t work: Joel has never finished inside the top five. For him to place this high would be like the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series, and that’s just a ridiculous thought.

Plaxico's attorney (Neal)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
What will work: QB Donovan McNabb. Sure, he also has RB Adrian Peterson, WR Greg Jennings and TE Chris Cooley, but McNabb could vault his team from mediocre to McNabbulous.
What won’t work: Or McNabb could just throw up all over the place and break a knee.

Bad Newz Iggles (Champ Mike)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
What will work: Mike has won this twice before, so you can’t just judge his team by the draft. But, if you must, RB DeAngelo Williams and WR Calvin Johnson are pretty good signs.
What won’t work: He has WR Vincent Jackson on his team. Every time I get this loser on my team I end up in the bottom half of the standings. He’s the kiss of death. Best of luck with him.

I &lt3 WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
What will work: Could we have another two-time Awesome Cup champ at the end of the year? Despite his team name, Paul has a strong RB corps to go with QB Peyton Manning, WR Roddy White and WR Santana Moss.
What won’t work: He also has two Cowboys on his team. If Paul has any honor, he’ll forfeit immediately.

That's it, kids -- time to get it on. Good luck to everyone, and let's go Broncos!

Advice for the Eagles this week

Click on the picture to enlarge it.

The 2009 Draft Order presentation

We've got all the teams signed in, we've got the draft rules squared away, and we've got representatives from each of the teams present at Fort Awesome. It's time to put the first four names in the Eagles skull cap and kick off the new fantasy football season. First name out of the hopper is...

13 -- New Guy Mike (Pick Six Dix)
    Ha! I'm already loving it; The new system screws the new guy. His representative, Jason Campbell playing in tonight's pre-season game against the Patriots, is promptly sacked while responding to the bad news.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

12 -- Bobert (Werewolf BarMitzvah)
   If we had gone with a straight reverse of last year's standings, this is where Bob would have ended up. So his representative, a can of compressed air on the computer, lets out a small hiss but remains largely apathetic.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

11 -- Joanner (Chase Utley's WFCs)
   Joanna's representative, Joanna, is not happy. This is the worst possible slot she could have landed under the rules. But, since she's picking the names, she has no one to blame but herself. And maybe T.O., somehow.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

10 -- Dad (BetterThanYourTeam)
   And Dad gets screwed by the system too, picking the lowest he possibly could. His rep, my Harry Kalas tribute doll from 2000, sits quiet and defeated in the corner. It's mostly because the batteries died years ago, but it's also the disappointment.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

9 -- Heidi (name still TBD)
   Finally, one of the unstoppable Fort Doyle brigade gets their name picked. Although, she should be happy; If we picked based on the date you got your team registered, she'd be dead last. Heidi's representative arrived too late to the draft to record her reaction.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

8 -- Capt. Awesome (ZombieJacko Comeback)
   Let no one question the fairness of this complex drafting system; Joanna, my father and I all got the worst picks we possibly could. Son of a ... absolutely ridiculous. My representative, my Dawkins jersey, sits angry in the corner, for a number of reasons.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

7 -- Anthony (Suck My Vick)
   You know, Champ Mike's name still hasn't been picked, and he certainly doesn't need the help to win this league again. This system sucks. Meanwhile, Ant's rep, a life-sized cardboard cutout of Mike Vick in full Eagles gear, is reduced to more self loathing by the news.
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

6 -- Jim (Palin's Death Panels)
   Jim's proxy, a wrinkled copy of Sports Illustrated in the recycling bin that has Troy Polamalu on the cover, smiles ominously. What does he have in store? Drafting Santonio Holmes with his top pick? Skipping the first round this year? It's always an adventure...
   Next name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

5 -- Joel (Bullets over Burress)
   Joel's reward for the best team name is that he gets screwed by the new system too, picking two spots lower than if I just did it based on last year's standings. Still, his rep, a toy dart gun I have laying around, gets so excited by a top-half pick that it shoots me in the leg.
   Final name goes in the hat and the next pick is...

4 -- Champ Mike (Bad Newz Iggles)
   Finally. The only two-time Awesome Cup champion picks up where he left off last year, moving way up in the standings and getting a chance at a franchise-caliber running back for his team. His proxy, my digital thermometer, predicts stormy weather all season ... for the rest of the league.
   The next pick is...

3 -- Paulie (I &lt3 WRs)
   Good news for Paul, who will have plenty of WRs to choose from this high in the draft. Paul's rep, a pocket protector, asks me if I understand how truly nerdy his team name is. I beat him up and take his lunch money.
   Just one pick left, and the runner up goes to...

2 -- Jeff (Blue Collar Killers)
   Oooooh, our perennial cellar-dweller just misses out on the Adrian Peterson sweepstakes. His representative, a blue collared dress shirt that just came out of the wash, wrinkles itself in disgust. Or maybe I forgot fabric softener again.
   It's irrelevant, because that means the top pick belongs to...

1 -- Neal (Plaxico's Attorney)
   If Neal's lame team name is any indication, he'll need all the help he can get. His representative, my battery-operated Eagles hamster, does a dance in celebration of the victory. And soon Adrian Peterson will be doing the same on his team (unless he pulls an Anthony and decides to draft Westbrook first overall for no logical reason whatsoever).

OK, kids -- you've got until next Wednesday evening (Sept. 2) before I switch the league over to be drafted. If you want to re-rank players, or at least exclude all the Cowboys, you've got the weekend plus two more days to get it done.

While we're waiting

We're still not quite ready to go with the fantasy football league yet -- last year's champion and his wife are waiting until the last second to sign up again -- but I wanted to brief everyone on the new draft order rules for this year.

In the past, I've shunned a straight-up reverse finish order because I believe that simply rewards failure. However, after my modified system awarded Anthony and myself the top pick three of the last four years, I decided that maybe the bottom dwellers need more help.

So we'll do a doubly-modified NBA style draft order, giving everyone a chance at the top pick but a really good chance for the worst players last year. Our top three 2008 finishers -- Champ Mike, Bobert and Heidi -- as well as New Guy Mike will have their names all thrown in the hat. We'll pick out one name, have that person pick 13th and then throw the next name (last year's fourth-place finisher, Anthony) into the mix. We'll pick for the 12th spot and then throw another name in.

The system's main advantage is no one will pick any worse than four spots lower than where they finished last year. And, for those who did well, you have a statistically fair chance of moving up the chart.

Taking all of that into account, here’s everyone's chance at getting that elusive #1 pick:

Team	% chance at #1	Worst case
Jeff (Blue Collar Killers)	25.0 percent	4th place
Neal (Plaxico’s attorney)	20.0 percent	5th place
Joel (Bullets over Burress)	16.7 percent	6th place
Paulie (I &lt3 WRs)	14.3 percent	7th place
Capt. Awesome (ZombieJacko Comeback)	12.5 percent	8th place
Jim (Palin’s Death Panels)	11.1 percent	9th place
Dad (BetterThanYourTeam)	10.0 percent	10th place
Joanner (Chase Utley’s WFCs)	9.1 percent	11th place
Anthony (Suck my Vick)	8.3 percent	12th place
New Mike (Pick Six Dix)	7.7 percent	13th place
Heidi (Name TDB)	7.7 percent	13th place
Bobert (Werewolf Bar Mitzvah)	7.7 percent	13th place
Champion Mike (Bad Newz Iggles)	7.7 percent	13th place

I'll let everyone know as soon as slowpoke #1 and slowpoke #2 sign up, and give you a few days before we start drafting players. Whoever ends up with Vick automatically gets slotted next to last in the preseason rankings.

Jeff, of course, will be slotted last.

UPDATE: Champ Mike has signed up, so we're almost there. I've updated his team name in the list

What to look for this Thursday

The first pre-season game always sets the tone for the entire year. Just look at 2008; The Eagles never fully recovered from their August 16-10 loss to the Steelers, and Pittsburgh went on to win the Super Bowl.

With that in mind, here are keys to look for in the game:

1) Who’s playing on defense?
Quick, name three players on the Iggles D right now. Lito? Nope, he’s on the Jets. Stewart Bradley? Out for the season. Trent Cole? Out for this week. Dawkins? Don’t go there. Sean Considine? No, thank gawd. Juqua Thomas? Not his name.

So who exactly is starting? Good question.

2) What position is Leonard Weaver playing?
It should be fascinating to see the longtime Seahawks fullback take the field for the first time in an Eagles uniform. Maybe they’ll split him wide as a fourth receiver. Maybe they’ll bring him inside to play left guard. Maybe they’ll put him in as a defensive tackle.

One thing is for sure – The third-and-one specialist won’t be touching the ball on third and one. That’d just be ridiculous.

3) Where’s the gatorade?
Gametime weather is supposed to be 80 degrees and humid. All I’m saying is that it’ll be hot and muggy, and McNabb might need some.

4) Can Hank Baskett win a job?
DeSean Jackson is the #1 WR. Kevin Curtis is #2, and first-round pick Jeremy Macklin and slot receiver Jason Avant are safe as #3s.

Baskett? Looks like he’s fighting Reggie Brown for the last wide receiver spot. And the Iggles need to see solid production to keep one of them around; They never hold onto underachieving wideouts for no good reason.

Speaking of which…

5) Can Greg Lewis win a job?
Ha! That’s the Patriots problem, not the birds. Good riddance, finally.

6) What mediocre 7th-round pick will become the next Koy Detmer?
You know, that one guy who looks good really late in the game when anyone with skill has stopped playing, but he ends up scoring two TDs and everybody thinks he’s the next Joe Montana or Barry Sanders? That guy.

Nominees include RB Marcus Maileli, WR Brandon Robinson and LB Matt Whilhelm. Trust me, you’ll be begging for more after scrub time Thursday.

7) Can Cliff Lee keep it going?
He’s 2-0 with only two earned runs in his first two Philly appearances. Can he go to 3-0?

Remember, kids, it’s still baseball season.

Choosing your team's name

It's fantasy football time again, which means it's time to settle on that perfect team name that'll follow you for the rest of the season.

It's no small task -- I'll remind you that the best team name last year, Mike's "Cougar in Chief," helped inspire his players and guide him to the league championship. Conversely, Jeff's legacy team name, "Blue Collar Killers," hasn't finished in the top five since 2005.

So think carefully before that next Favre or Mike Vick joke. To help inspire you, here are the rejected team names over at Fort Awesome, because they did not meet the required level of awesomeness:

South Kenya WhiteSox
** Obama's hometown team!
God hates KurtWarner
** Otherwise God would have let him win the Super Bowl.
Reigning AFL Champs
** For the second year in a row (and probably forever).
Lions' Perfect Season
** Not one pesky win on that record.
DeSean's Dropsies
** Symptoms get worse near the end zone.
Not in the Head
** Good advice from little Shane Victorino

So go cue up the T.O. jokes and sign up for the league -- the password is already in your email, although we may have room for one more serious, thoughtful player. And I'll reveal the names we chose in our pre-season rankings, after the draft on Aug. 28.

Nothing to post tonight

Sorry, kids. Nothing at all interesting is going on today.

Not a thing.