Fantasy League 2022 -- final season recap

It seems like it was only yesterday (or 18 weeks ago, my sense of time has been a mess since the pandemic) that we were looking at the start of the fantasy football season as a moment of joy and excitement. And now, with all the regular season complete, all of your dreams have been crushed into dust, except for one lucky coach. But before we unveil that name, let’s look back at everything that went wrong since August:

Let’s Go Iggles (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2056.48 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1505.01 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 1594.60 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans

Easiest call of the year. Everybody expected the Texans to be bad this year, and they were. I expected Paul to bail out around week 5, and he did. I even predicted his final score within 100 pts, while Yahoo overestimated by almost 500. No need to spend a lot of time on Paul’s roster, because he hasn’t talked to the players since before Thanksgiving. It’s the same strategy Lovie Smith took with his Houston team, and that’s why he was fired this week.

Room Temperature Icers (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2032.30 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2032.21 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 1705.17 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers

This was one of my sleeper teams, and it blew up in my face. Justin Jefferson, Mike Evans and Deebo Samuel seemed like an unstoppable receiving corps, and RB Dameon Pierce was great … until both his legs fell off midseason. Relying on QB Matt Stafford looks pretty rough in hindsight too. On the plus side, Sam only finished a stone’s throw out of 9th place, much like the Panthers finished just a hair out of first place in the NFC South. On the minus side, that’s still pretty poor.

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2005.47 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1644.98 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 1711.42 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons

I saw this one coming before a game was played, and, again, another score prediction within 5 percent of the actual total. QB Dak Prescott was shaky. RB Damien Harris was weak. WR Cooper Kupp had a huge drop off from 2021. Starting RB Melvin Gordon for the last two months — even after he was cut by the Broncos and no longer playing football, probably wasn't a great coaching strategy either. And TE Travis Kelce … OK, he was still great, I may have guessed that part wrong. But it wasn’t enough to elevate this squad into the single digits.

No One Likes Us We Don’t Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2177.17 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1998.76 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 1753.04 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: Indianapolis Colts

Ooooh boy. I really thought Bob’s squad had a chance to make me look bad this year. The professor easily won best team name of the season and had a squad stacked with QB Justin Herbert, RBs Joe Mixon and Alvin Kamara, and two potential pro-Bowl TEs in TJ Hockenson and Dallas Goedert. And after that? Absolutely nothing. Like, “starting players everybody else drafted in the 10th round” nothing. Let that be a lesson to all of you, folks: If you want to win a title, you need depth on your bench. Always have a Nick Foles hiding somewhere.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2029.17 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1884.66 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 1781.09 pts 8th place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers

Up until the last week of the season, you felt like old Aaron Rogers was gonna find a way to sneak into the playoffs. And even though Mike’s autodraft was dreadful this year, you just felt like he was gonna find a way to sneak into the top of the standings despite his roster’s shortcomings. To his credit, Mike pulled his squad up from dead last on Nov. 1 to the middle of the pack by the end of the year. Still, for title winners like Rogers and Mike, mediocre is just another word for failure.

Crumb Bums (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 2073.04 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2202.55 pts, 2nd place
Actual finish: 1927.89 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals

I think Anthony was in 6th or 7th place every single week this year. But, in the same way that I don’t want to remember anything about the 2022 Cardinals season, I don’t want to spend time going back to check. Anthony managed to injure his top two RBs (Jonathan Taylor and Javonte Williams) and his top TE (Mark Andrews) before ending QB Kyler Murray’s season early. His top four drafted wideouts all missed time too. And yet, thankfully, his angel of death coaching style didn’t hurt Eagles K Jake Elliot. So at least Ant has his priorities straight.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1967.90 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2101.01 pts, 4th place
Actual finish: 1942.67 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Miami Dolphins

Another “told you so” from me to Yahoo. Jeff’s solid WR corps of Davante Adams, AJ Brown, and DK Metcalf kept him afloat all year, and his RB tandem of Dalvin Cook and Travis Etienne were solid if not spectacular. If his QB (Trey Lance) hadn’t been ripped in half in the second game of the season, maybe Jeff’’s squad could have excelled. But, much like the Dolphins, he snuck into the top half of the league and has a solid base of success to build on next season.

Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2147.07 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 1919.18 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 1960.60 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: 2007 New England Patriots

It doesn’t matter what the stats say, Dad’s whole season is called into question because of the cheating scandal in the other league. Did his cheating there elevate his team here? Hard to say. Did deflating footballs and taping other teams’ practices help the Patriots win? Hard to say. But either way, it was a clear violation, and it sullies the entire competitive balance of the league. Dad and Bill Belechick will now be forever linked in the minds of fans everywhere.

More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 2022.08 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1945.00 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 2097.37 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals

Fourth place is a great finish for a second-year player, but if we’re being honest, Jonathan should have gotten done better. No one in our fantasy league was hurt more by the canceled Bills/Bengals contest than Jonathan, who lost out on a projected 40-plus points when QB Joe Burrow and WR Stefon Diggs didn’t play. If the game turned into a shootout, both were capable of posting even more, and the boy fell just 53 points short of his second second-place finish. Of course, if RB Miles Sanders hadn’t disappeared for the last month of the season, maybe he would have finished higher too. But, as it is, he can claim dominion over almost everyone else in the league, just not anyone else in his own house.

Champ for Life (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 2035.14 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2405.33 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2102.71 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs

Last year’s Awesome Cup champion fails to repeat but posts a respectable third-place finish, giving her a league-record five bronze medals. Over the last three years she has finished 3rd, 1st and 3rd, making her the complementary model of consistency to Andy Reid’s current football team. Both owe their success to QB Patrick Mahomes this year, but Jo also managed to wring a lot of points out of players on messy teams like the Jets (WR Garrett Wilson and RB Breece Hall) and Packers (RB Aaron Jones and WR Allen Lazard) too. And for the second year in a row, she finishes one spot ahead of her son, keeping the next generation in his place for the time being.

JJaw dropping skills (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2031.25 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2150.20 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: 2004 Philadelphia Eagles

I was only off 17 points in my pre-season prediction of how my team would do. Less than 1 percent. C’mon, that’s pretty crazy.

Did I mention I drafted the top three rushers on the season (RBs Derrick Henry, Nick Chubb and Josh Jacobs)? And did I mention that if I had drafted running QB Jalen Hurts instead of running QB Lamar Jackson in the fourth round, I would have finished 150 pts higher? I screwed up my QB picks in all four leagues I was in this year, which made for some tough sledding. Still, with an exemplary RB corps and inventive waiver wire strategy, I managed to keep first place within view until late in the season. It’s my 12th podium finish in the 21 years we’ve had the league, which just shows that if you’re dedicated and smart and in control of all of the league’s settings, you can achieve great things.

But, second place is still just first loser, so it’s time to crown our new champion:

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 2162.30 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2022.97 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 2386.85 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2023 Philadelphia Eagles

The college football championship was a ridiculous 65-7 blowout, and the race for the Awesome Cup wasn’t really much closer. Mom jumped into first place in week 7 and never let go. Her margin of victory was so big that she could have benched RB Jamaal Williams — the #7 RB on the season — before the first week of games and still won by about 30 points. If she had benched all her players except her kicker the final two weeks of the season, she still would have won by a dozen points.

She drafted the top RB (Austin Eckler), the top K (Justin Tucker), the #2 TE (George Kittle), the #3 QB (Hurts), the #6 RB (Saquon Barkley), the WR steal of the year (DeVonta Smith, drafted 41st, finished 11th), and surrounded them all with other fantasy studs like Williams and WR Terry McLaurin. It was total domination.

It should be noted this is the second year in a row the team that drafted Hurts won our fantasy league. It’s also the first time we’ve had back-to-back women wins in league history, and it’s the first title in eight years of playing for Mom D.

This is usually the moment where I unveil the winner’s name etched onto the front of the Awesome Cup. But, I have sad news to report. After 20 years, there is no room left there for another winner. Even as awesome as the Awesome Cup is, league officials have informed me that the trophy’s structural integrity cannot handle another layer without the whole thing collapsing. Plus, for the Awesome Cup to be truly epic, it must have the same number of rings as the greatest player in the history of the NFL, Eagles S Brian Dawkins (for whom last season — “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” — was named, in case you forgot.)

Therefore, in a break with tradition, Mom D’s name will instead be etched on …

 

… the other side of the cup. I mean, there’s plenty of room over there. I uploaded another copy here so you can zoom in and see just how much space there is. And doing this buys us 19 more years before we need to worry about where to fit the next set of names. By then, Jonathan should be running the league and it’ll be his problem.

Mom D’s reign of terror officially begins today, and the rest of us have to wait until next September to exact our revenge. Thanks again to everyone for playing and reading and propelling the Eagles to victory this season. Hopefully we’ll be able to enjoy the playoffs, and maybe even get to see a different trophy come to the Philly area.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 18 recap

Sunday’s Eagles win over the Giants featured the debut of New Jersey QB Davis Webb, the 67th different quarterback to start a game in the NFL this season. That’s the most since the 1987 strike season, and the first time since 2007 that more than 20 teams have needed multiple starters in a season.

And yet, even with all that opportunity, there were still several eligible QBs who didn’t get a chance to start any games this year. Here’s a look at some of the candidates team’s should consider for next year, if their benches start to get thin again:

** Eagles QB Ian Book — Book actually started one game for the Saints last year, but watched from the sideline all this season. If Minshew had managed to win last week against the Saints (allowing the Eagles to wrap up the #1 seed earlier) maybe Book could have gotten a few snaps against Webb.

** Colts QB Phillip Rivers — Considering all the QB problems the team had this year, it’s a shocker that they didn’t give Rivers (who retired two years ago) a call to ask if he wanted one last attempt at glory. It doesn’t really matter if his arm still works or not: Remember, they started Carson Wentz for 17 games last year.

** Buccaneers QB Tom Brady’s fourth clone — Sure, the second and third clones managed to lead the team to a playoff berth, but it seemed odd that the Tampa coaches didn’t roll out the newest version of Brady’s clones (produced in secret by his TB12 line five years ago) given all the offensive problems they had this year.

** Titans RB Derrick Henry — Henry has three completions for 10 yds and two TDs in the last two years. That’s a 120.1 QB rating, much better than Josh Dobbs (66.6 rating) and Malik Willis (42.8 rating) had in their 10 combined games this season.

** Broncos QB Russell Wilson — It would have been interesting to see him at QB at some point this year, instead of just wandering around the field aimlessly.

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Jalen Hurts, 423.04 pts — 6th QB drafted (Mom D)
2nd place: Josh Allen, 471.02 pts — 1st QB drafted (Dad)
1st place: Patrick Mahomes, 499.20pts — 2nd QB drafted (Jo)

Joe Burrow came in as the 4th place QB with 422.70 pts, and then there was a huge drop off for 5th place (Geno Smith, 366.38). Blame a lot of injuries and uneven play from the passers this year. But bottom line, either you lucked out with one of the top four at the position this year, or you struggled week to week figuring out what to do.

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Tyreek Hill, 232.62 pts — 8th WR drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Davante Adams, 235.47 pts — 6th WR drafted (Jeff)
1st place: Justin Jefferson, 245.36 pts — 1st WR drafted (Sam)

Two for two on identifying the top player at the position at the start of the year. It’s worth nothing that the Eagles were the only team with two of the top 12 WRs (AJ Brown and DeVonta Smith). Brown, drafted 12th, was in 5th place in the end. Smith, the 11th place finisher, was the 41st WR off the board in the draft. Former Eagles first-round pick Jalen Reagor finished as the 147th best WR this year.

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Christian McCaffrey, 291.16 pts — 2nd RB drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Josh Jacobs, 291.47 pts — 26th RB drafted (me)
1st place: Austin Ekeler, 301.13 — 3rd RB drafted (Mom D)

For the record, Mom D and I together drafted six of the top seven RBs on the season, and the only we didn’t do better was because neither one of us picked high enough to snag McCaffrey. I’d also like to point out that I drafted the leading rusher (Jacobs), the second-leading rusher (Nick Chubb) and the third-leading rusher (Derrick Henry) on the year. I would have run away with this season if I could have figured out any other position. But I never started a single QB in the top 14 and only one wideout in the top 35, so ...

 
Top TEs of the year

3rd place: TJ Hockenson, 143.93 pts — 5th TE drafted (Bob)
2nd place: George Kittle, 148.50 pts — 4th TE drafted (Mom D)
1st place: Travis Kelce, 219.70 pts — 1st TE drafted (Joel)

I’d once again like to point out that Taysom Hill does not qualify for this category because he is not a tight end.

Look at that point total again — Kelce scored 50 percent more points than the second-place finisher. If we put him in the WR category, he finishes fourth there. If we put Kittle in the WR category, he finishes 17th (which is still really good for a TE!) Kelce remains a consistent problem for fantasy team construction each year.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Brett Maher, 161.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Daniel Carlson, 162.00 pts — 4th K drafted (Jo)
1st place: Justin Tucker, 164.50 pts — 1st K drafted (Mom D)

Four of the top players were our first position picks. Folks, this was by far our best drafting work ever! 

Joanna cut Carlson before the first game of the season, which I note only to emphasize that kickers are a complete crapshoot and should never be protected on your roster regardless the ultimate outcome. Except for Tucker, he just kills it year after year.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Dallas, 170.00 pts — 15th DEF drafted (Paul)
2nd place: San Francisco, 180.00 pts — 2nd DEF drafted (Ant)
1st place: New England, 194.00 pts — 10th DEF drafted (Jo)

The Eagles finished as the 4th best fantasy defense on the year, thanks in large part to the 70 sacks they collected over 17 weeks. Kansas City was the second best in that category with 55. But that impressive QB pressure total wasn’t nearly enough to overtake the Patriots’ 30 turnovers and eight defensive/special teams TDs on the season. On the other hand, those impressive defensive numbers weren’t enough to get New England into the playoffs, making them the only fantasy defense in the top seven to be heading home for the season today.

Top Ds of the year

3rd place: Roquan Smith, 69.50 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Marcus Jones, 71.84 pts — undrafted
1st place: Foyesade Oluokun, 78.50 pts — undrafted

Not only did none of the top defensive players get drafted this year, but Jones — who collected more than 1,000 punt and kickoff return yards this season — never got picked up by a single team. Twice he topped 10 points in a week, and four times he was over 8 points. So, as I write every year … One day we’ll all figure out the secret to getting good defensive players.

 

QB: Russell Wilson, 29.12 pts — on Bob’s bench
WR:Keenan Allen, 22.80 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Zack Moss, 19.37 pts — started by Bob
TE: Jordan Akins, 20.67 pts — on the wire
K: Jake Elliott, 20.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Maryland Commies, 21.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
D: Josh Allen, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Good week for Bob’s bench…

Hahahahaha of course Russell Wilson finally has a good game when I’ve already made fun of him in my opener. I don't care, it's late in the season and I'm not going back up there to change it. 

Wilson topped 20 fantasy points just four times this year, but three of those came in his last five games. He threw 8 TD passes in the first three months of the season but 8 more in the last 30 days. And everybody stunk this week, so he gets to claim the honors as the top scorer in a meaningless week for his team.

And congrats to the other Josh Allen, who plays LB for the Jaguars. Unlike the Bills QB, who is a regular on the top performers list, Allen scored the winning TD in Jacksonville’s comeback win over the Titans, returning a fumble 37 yards to put his team ahead with less than three minutes to play. 

If the Jags win next weekend and the Ravens upset the Bengals, that means that Allen and his team will face Allen and the Bills the following week. And then we could have a repeat of last year, when Allen became the first player ever to sack a QB with the same name in NFL history. Because, of course, someone had been tracking that.

 

“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Ihmir Smith-Marsette, -0.26 pts — on the wire
4th place: Nate Sudfeld, -0.40 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: C.J. Beathard, -1.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Tim Boyle, -2.88 pts — on the wire

Congrats to Boyle, who managed to steal the title of worst fantasy player of the year on the final day of the season. As the Bears lost their finale to the Vikings on Sunday (but won the #1 overall pick in next spring’s draft), Boyle took over in relief and posted this line: 8 pass attempts, two completions for 33 yds, 2 interceptions, zero TDs. That’s a 4.69 QB rating on the day, roughly 8.5 times worse than your performance from the couch on Sunday (1 attempt, 0 yds/TDs/INTS = 39.6 QB rating). In just one day, he outperformed everyone else’s resume of the entire season. Impressive.

Special shout out to Smith-Marsette, the only non-QB on the list (15 receiving yds, 17 return yds, -1 rushing yds, and one fumble for the Chiefs). Both Sudfeld’s, the former Eagles QB, and Henne’s entire body of work this year were five kneel-downs in meaningless games. For some reason, however, that resulted in Henne losing 5 yds rushing, but only 4 yds lost for Sudfeld. Clearly he is better at kneeling the ball.


** Headline on ESPN Sunday evening: “Vikings WR Jefferson misses NFL record but hits 'my main goal'”

From the story: “Jefferson caught four passes for 38 yards Sunday in the Vikings' 29-13 victory over the Chicago Bears, setting his league-high totals at 128 receptions for 1,809 yards in 17 games. It was the sixth-most receiving yards for a season in NFL history … but it fell short of Calvin Johnson's record of 1,964 yards set over 16 games in 2012.”

So, he wasn’t all that close, even after playing an extra game. Hey, you know who else missed breaking the NFL receiving record this year? Every other player in the NFL. Looking forward to the individual hype stories that ESPN has planned for each of them.

** In the fourth quarter of the Dolphins/Jets game, Fox play-by-play announcer Joe Davis laid out the underlying drama of the early slate of games: The Patriots were losing, so if Miami could win the contest. They were headed to the playoffs. If they lost, the Steelers were in. And the Dolphins and Jets were tied at 6-6.

Color commentator Daryl Johnston offered an immediate response: “You just can’t script stuff like this!”

Yes. Yes you can. We all knew the playoff scenarios heading into this weekend. So it would have been very, very easy to write up a script about one of the games being close. Hell, you could script all of them being close. You could have even scripted one of them going into overtime! That probably would have been too much for Johnston’s brain to handle, though.

** The New Jersey Giants broke a five-year playoff drought this season and no one is more excited than their coach, Brian Daboll.

Oh, wait, sorry. I meant everyone is more excited than their coach.

"Really the experience is probably overrated, to be honest with you," Daboll said in response to a question about making the playoffs, during a press conference this week. "[The difference] is how you prepare, how you practice and, ultimately, how you play the game and coach the game on whatever day it is."

Way to rile up the fan base there, coach. Next time why not just throw cold water in the face of every season ticket holder.

The Maryland Commies were the only NFC East team not to make the playoffs this season (still finished at 8-8-1, though), but that disappointment was short lived for local fans of the team. That’s because in recent days the franchise has debuted its new mascot: Major Tuddy, an oversized pig in a WWI -style helmet that the Washingtonian described as having “creepy, slasher-flick vibes” and whose name evokes “touchdowns” and totally not British slang for poop.

Anyways, it’s sure to be great in the long term, which is why the few other teams without mascots should use this opportunity to get one now. Here are some solid ideas:

** Peter Packrat — Long ago, the Packers got their name due to their affiliation with a local meat packing company. But it’s time to update that image. Peter Packrat is a brawny rodent who stuffs footballs into the end zone to help his team win. Bonus that he loses hanging out with the cheeseheads in the stands, for obvious dietary reasons.

** The Jersey Jet — No better way for the Jets to pay tribute to their home state by making it part of their mascot. The Jet has wings for arms, wheels for feet and zooms past opponents into the end zone … unless there’s a delay. If that’s the case, then it just sits still for a few hours, doing nothing and frustrating everyone.

** Ronnie the Raider — Ronnie, a swashbuckling pirate attired in black, embodies everything the Raiders have always been about: daring, excitement, and a flair for the dramatic. He’s also been arrested for theft, human trafficking and manslaughter, so he fits in with the rest of the Raiders’ roster too.

** The Giant Swamp Thing — Jersey’s other football team honors the swamps where its stadium stands by introducing an oversized, grotesque mass of inhumanity. It’s got large teeth, piston-like arms, an intelligible growl when it tries to talk. Basically, it’s like having Michael Strahan on the team again.


Our season of insult anagrams is once again at an end. Yet despite the prayers and well-wishes of good hearts across the globe, the Cowboys season is not. Dallas enters the playoffs for the second consecutive year, looking for their fourth playoff win in the last 25 years (for the record, the Eagles have 14 over that span, including a Super Bowl victory). But it’s important to remember that any time the Cowboys can play extra games, it hurts all of us, regardless of the result. Behold:

Dallas into the postseason again
** No good — Satan sets hate, all is pain

Here’s hoping that pain will be short lived, as it has been so many times in recent years.

** Dad demanded that he get five extra points in our weekly picks standings if he correctly predicted the Maryland Commies would beat the Cowboys. And because I am a fair and generous person, I gave him that. As a result, he … still lost in the yearly totals by 4. In his defense, Dad came into the week down eight and needed me to screw up royally to take the lead. And I didn’t, going 12-4 on the week (Dad did pick all four I got wrong different, though).

For the season, I correctly picked 170 of 271 games, which is a 62.7 percent correct rate, a little worse than the 65 percent I hit last year. However, it was still enough to grab the family prognostication title for the sixth time in the last eight years, and to give me three yearly wins in a row. Since the start of the 2010 season, I’m 8-5 in the annual picks against him. I’m also fairly sure that for the decade before that, I was 0-10. But thankfully those records have been lost.

** In the spirit of trying to start off the new year with positivity, I will note that RB Boston Scott — who is not a competent professional football player — has 414 rushing yds (34 percent of his career total) and 9 rushing TDs (56 percent of his career total) in eight games against the Giants (13 percent of his career appearances). So, he can stay on the team, but they can only use him in games against New Jersey.

** The Buccaneers won the NFC South last week, extending QB Tom Brady’s personal streak of 15 straight playoff appearances. However, their loss on Sunday to the Falcons also sealed an 8-9 record for the season, the first time in Brady’s career his team has had a losing season. So, I think it’s safe to say that Brady is now, officially, a loser.

Week 18 standings

The official end-of-year Awesome Cup standings — and the latest name to be engraved onto Awesome Cup — will be unveiled on Tuesday night.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 17 recap

Week 17 standings

Awesome Cup standings

Um … I dunno?

NFL officials announced Tuesday that due to the serious injury to Bills S Damar Hamlin on Monday night, the scheduled Buffalo/Cincinnati game will not be played this week and will instead be … well, they don’t know. And since this was the fantasy playoffs week for many leagues, and the Bills and Bengals have some of the best fantasy players in all of football, the game’s postponement means … well, we don’t know that either.

Obviously, none of this is the primary concern right now. Hamlin suffered a cardiac arrest after making a tackle and is still in critical condition. The teams and league really can’t do much until they are confident he and his family are getting everything they need. And that’s the right call.

So, for now, all the standings and whatnot have to wait. I truly have no idea what the NFL can do next, both to address the competitive balance in the AFC (the #1 seed was on the line in the game) and the $15 billion fantasy industry linked to the outcome (yes, you read that right. Billion). But, they are problems that can be settled later.

For now, for distraction, I’m just gonna roll out the other jokes I already had queued up, and hope that things are back to normal next week with Hamlin back on the road to a full recovery.

With the Eagles sloppy loss to the Saints, on Sunday, here is the worst-case scenario for the how week 18 could play out for the best team in the NFC:

** The Eagles, in need of a win to secure a first-round bye, announce that QB Jalen Hurts will be their starter against the New Jersey Giants at home on Sunday.

** The Giants, wanting revenge on the Eagles for throwing a game three years ago that kept them from winning the NFC East, play all of their starters and beat the Eagles.

** The Dallas Cowboys beat the Maryland Commies and win the NFC East and get a first-round bye.

** During the Giants game, Hurts hurts his shoulder again, knocking him out for the playoffs.

** The Eagles travel to Tampa for their first-round playoff game. During the game, AJ Brown’s ankle is injured by a cheap shot from a Tampa cornerback.

** In response, Devonta Smith gets in a fight with the Tampa secondary, is ejected from the game. On his way out of the stadium he is pulled into the crowd and eaten by the barbaric Florida fans.

** In response to that, Hurts dives into the stands to help Smith but has his arm ripped off.

** As a fan throws Hurts’ severed arm back on the field, it lands near Tom Brady. The Eagles are penalized 15 yards for roughing the passer.

** The Eagles lose in embarrassing fashion to Brady and the Buccaneers for the second year in a row.

** In grief, owner Jeffery Lurie disbands the team and sells all franchise records to the Cowboys for $15. The NFL officially declares that Brian Dawkins played his entire career for the Cowboys and that Dallas won the 2017 Super Bowl.

So, all the panic about what could happen next Sunday is totally justified. There’s a lot riding on the game.

QB: Tom Brady, 43.68 pts — started by Paul
WR: Mike Evans, 36.80 pts — started by Sam
RB: Austin Ekeler, 28.80 pts — started by Mom
TE: Dalton Schultz, 19.23 pts — started by Jeff
K: Matt Prater, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 24.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Marshon Lattimore, 12.00 pts — on the wire

Lattimore is the one who intercepted that last pass from Garner Minshew and took it to the end zone for the game-clinching score, so that’s great.

Pretty rough crop of top performers to look at all around. Brady — who was the 15th ranked QB on the season coming into the weekend — threw for more than 430 yds and three TDs in the Bucs’ division-clinching win over the Panthers. Evans was the main reason for that: 10 catches for 207 yds and all three of those scores.

We’ve got another Dallas player up there at the TE spot. And I know the Cardinals aren’t in the NFC East anymore, and Prater is just a kicker, but it still feels like an attack on the Eagles whenever that franchise succeeds.

“Names you know but you can’t remember why” edition

3rd place: Darius Slayton, -0.07 pts — on Mike’s bench
2nd place: Nate Sudfeld, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: CJ Beathard, -0.84 pts — on the wire

The New Jersey Giants made the playoffs with their win last weekend, and I’ll bet you can’t name two wide receivers on their team right now. I’ll even spot you Slayton, who had two catches for 14 yds and a fumble on a punt. Go ahead, name one other. Sterling Shepard? Nope, he’s on IR. WanDale Robinson? On IR too. Kenny Golladay? Hasn’t been on the field since before Thanksgiving. Kadarius Toney? Traded to the Chiefs earlier this year. Including Slayton, the team doesn’t have a wideout with a catch in the last month who was drafted earlier than the very late fifth round. And yet, here we are.

Sudfeld, the former Eagles QB, is now the backup in Detroit and just barely missed the worst performers list a month ago. He grabbed his chance this week, though, with -3 rushing yds on three kneel-downs to end the game.

Beathard has actually started 12 games in his six-year career, all with the 49ers. He hasn’t had a start in three years and now plays for Doug Pederson’s Jaguars, and threw an interception on one of his eight pass attempts in mop-up work on Sunday. On the plus side, he is the brother of country music singer Tucker Beathard and grandson of former NFL exec Bobby Beathard, so I think he’ll end up OK.


** After Sunday’s upset loss to the Browns, Maryland Commies coach Ron Rivera was asked how his team would approach week 18 if they were eliminated from postseason contention due to other game results later in the day. Rivera’s response:

“We can be eliminated today?”

NFL teams are multi-million-dollar businesses. Outside groups have estimated the Commies have about 500 employees on staff, including the players. Are you telling me that not one of them can jump on the ESPN playoff machine website and tell the coach what he needs to stay in postseason contention each week? Hell, you can probably get some local bloggers to do it for free.

Rivera later delivered a statement to the media saying that he didn’t know the team could be eliminated from the playoffs because “he thought they would win and only focused on what would happen if they won.” Which is a nice way of saying “I don’t know how to do simple math because football is hard.”

** Ahead of Sunday’s Packers/Vikings game, Green Bay CB Jaire Alexander called star Minnesota WR Justin Jefferson overrated and called his previous success against the Packers “a fluke.” The local Minnesota blog “Viking Age” called the comments “an embarrassment” and threw down this threat:

“Has Alexander been paying attention at all to what Jefferson has been doing out on the field this year? It certainly doesn’t sound like it. It’s not like Minnesota‘s star receiver needs any extra motivation heading into Sunday’s showdown in Lambeau Field. But whatever, now if Jefferson goes off against the Packers, they can all blame Alexander for everything.”

And Jefferson responded to the slight by posting … one catch for 15 yds in a 41-17 loss. Blame Alexander, I guess. He sure stepped in it with that trash talk.

At the conclusion of the Duke’s Mayo Bowl last week, the winning coach — Maryland’s Mike Locksley — celebrated the victory by agreeing to get drenched in mayonnaise (the company made a $10,000 donation to charity in his name for the stunt). It’s literally the only reason to watch that bowl game each year, but it is a compelling and disgusting grabber, and should inspire other bowl committees to think about better traditions for their own games. Here are a few ideas connected to real bowls that were played this year: .

** The Cheeze-It Bowl — Instead of overtime, the teams have an eating contest involving boxes of the crackers. Five minutes, whichever offensive line gets the most down wins. Think of the product placement possibilities.

** The Taxslayer Bowl — Losing coach gets audited on the spot. You want to keep all your secret payments to the mistresses secret, you better win.

** The Tony the Tiger Bowl — The winning team changes its mascot to the Tigers for the next year. All other college football Tigers have to forfeit the name until they win it back. Sorry, Clemson, Auburn, LSU, Princeton, …

** The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl — Free french fries for the winning team. Fans whip potatoes at the losing team.

** The Cricket Bowl — That’s Cricket Wireless, not actual crickets, but who says it can’t be both? At the start of the fourth quarter, swarms of the insects are released in each end zone to make scoring tougher.

** The Bad Boy Mowers Bowl — The winning coach gets lawnmowers dumped on his head. Because.


It has been a full year since we last delved into the world of insult anagram poetry, but thankfully Cowboys rookie linebacker Damone Clark is here to help us correct that absence. Behold:

** Dallas LB Damone Clark

A ballad, droll sack men:
Alarm elk, oddballs can.

All lads, no black dream.
Add blank, lo, all scream.

Olden ball lacks drama
A bold call lends karma.

Damn dorks, a label call.
A larded man blocks all.

Go ahead and check, all the lines work.

But what does it mean? Clark has perhaps the best analysis of the Cowboy’s organization I have ever read. Truly, the “droll sack men” are so soulless the players can scare animals — even the unflappable elk — with their mere presence. The “no black dream” is sarcasm, for we all know every Cowboys player has nothing but the darkest desires. But add just a little blank space to that pitch blackness of their hearts and it leads to their very being screaming from the pain of goodness.

The team’s play in the 1970s was boring and “lacks drama,” but the franchise’s evil bent over the last few decades will eventually lead to their downfall, thanks to karma. So go ahead and damn these dorks, because every year for the last 25 in playoffs, a larded man — aka, the pure heartened defensive linemen of the NFL — have delivered the team’s comeuppance.

Truly, truly inspiring words. It’s a wonder why I don’t do this every week.

** In our weekly picks, Dad is either down seven, eight or nine games on the season, pending whatever happens with the postponed game. Amid all the uncertainty, he should probably just concede for the season. And next year too, just to be safe.

** Just to be clear, whatever the standings are, Mom D is still winning by a lot.

** But seriously, though — The Giants have nothing to play for on Sunday, and they want to get their players some rest before the first-round playoff game, so they’ll be starting all second-stringers. Right? Right?

** One bright spot from that Monday game: After Hamiln’s injury, NFL fans flocked to the website of his holiday toy drive. Hamlin had set a goal of $2,500 for the work. As of Tuesday afternoon, in a show of support for him and his family, the total had topped $4 million.

Here’s hoping there is even more good news to come on his story.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 16 recap

A look at some of the most festive names in NFL history:

** QB Bob Holly — 1983-1985, Washington, Atlanta
Fun fact: Only attempted 40 passes in his career, none after Thanksgiving.

** DT Jared Clauss — 2004-2005, Titans
Fun fact: He was 0-2 with two tackles in Christmas/Christmas Eve games.

** QB Wayne Gift — 1937, Cleveland Rams
Fun fact: Only won one time in his 10-game career, against the Philadelphia Eagles.

** DT Johnny Jolly — 2006-2013, Green Bay
Fun fact: Had too much “egg nog” in 2009 and was suspended three years for violating the league’s substance abuse policy.

** CB Darius Sleigh … err, Slay — 2013-present, Lions, Eagles
Fun fact: Born on New Year’s Day.

** DT Demarcus Christmas — 2019-2021, Seahawks, Steelers
Fun fact: Still waiting for his Christmas miracle — he got injured in training camp twice and never played a game.

QB: Dak Prescott, 33.98 pts — started by Ant
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 25.00 pts — started by Mike
RB: Cam Akers, 32.73 pts — on Mike’s bench
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 25.77 pts — started by Bob
K: Matt Gay, 19.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
DEF: Rams, 22.00 pts — on the waiver wire
D: Marcus Jones, 19.52 pts — on the wire

A couple of Cowboys on that list. Ugh.

Also three Rams on that list, which is what happens when you win 51-14 on Christmas Day against the truly pathetic Broncos. The defending Super Bowl champs had scored 52 points total in their previous three games, and had only topped 28 points one other time this season.

But Akers may be the most inexplicable top performer. He left the team for three games earlier this season and was on the trade block after that, but no other teams were interested. He came into the game averaging 37 yards a contest and with 4 TDs in 12 games. On Sunday, he had 118 yds and 3 TDs. Akers absolutely won a fantasy playoff game for some undeserving teams.

“Worst of the worst” edition

2nd place: (tie) Nathan Peterman, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Maryland Commies, -1.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: (tie) Detroit, -6.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Denver, -6.00 pts — started by Sam

It’s hard work getting to -6 pts (the lowest a defense can score in this league) but we had two different teams put in the effort to bottom out this week. Denver actually only gave up 45 pts on defense in that Rams game (the other points came off an interception returned for a TD) while the Lions gave up 37. Neither team recorded a turnover or sack. Both teams should have gotten extra coal in their stockings.

Shout out to Peterman, the worst of the five QBs who finished with negative pts this week (including Nick Foles, ouch). Four of them appeared only in mop up time, but the Peterman, the Bears backup,  managed to use his time the least effectively, throwing for 25 yds and an interception in the Bears big loss to the Bills.


** Headline on Sport Illustrated Saturday evening: “FOX’s Jay Glazer Drops ‘Bombshell’ Zach Wilson Report”

The revelation? “”Glazer said on the FOX Christmas Eve broadcast that the Jets have ‘lost all confidence’ in Wilson.”

Really. What a bombshell. Wilson got benched in the middle of a 19-3 Thursday night loss, the third time this season he has lost the starting job, and you saw on TV that another TV pundit thinks the team has lost confidence in him. Truly an unthinkable surprise.

Hold your breath for the Pultizer on that one.

** The NFL has had “Slime Time” games every Sunday on Nickelodeon in an effort to try and make the game more appealing to kids, and that’s fine. But that Rams/Broncos game was “Slime Time: Kickmas” and that’s where I have to draw the line.

** Headline on ESPN Sunday morning: “Late-game gaffe dooms Pats for second week in a row.”

Last week, with the score tied at 24 and three seconds left in regulation, the Patriots offense began throwing laterals in an attempt to get a miracle score. One was picked off by a Raiders LB, and instead of overtime, New England lost in regulation.

This week, with a minute left and the Patriots trailing the Bengals by just four points, the team handed the ball off to RB Rhamondre Stevenson, who had the ball stripped by the defense on a tough play. Cincinnati recovered the fumble, and won the game.

That’s … not a gaffe. That’s a good defensive play. Or maybe a subpar offensive play. But the defense forcing a fumble isn’t the same as one of the most inexplicable plays in NFL history.
Next week’s headline: THIRD WEEK IN A ROW FOR A BONEHEAD MOVE BY THE PATS after they make the idiot move of allowing the other team to score more points than them.

Everybody likes an after-Christmas sale, but all deals are not created equal. Here are some of the worst discounted items on the NFL shop’s Eagles page:

** Eagles “nostalgia” tie ($22.49, down $2)
This is a tie with the Eagles letters logo, an Eagles eagle logo, and an Eagles helmet. It would be OK if you bought it as a gag gift for $5. For $20-plus, you need to be able to wear it sometimes.

** Eagles “salute to service” replica helmet ($132.99, down $77)
This is a faded brown-green helmet was never worn by an NFL player but still somehow costs as much as a new helmet. It doesn’t work as a display piece or a equipment replacement. But it is expensive.

** NFL Shield hat, blue ($18.99, down $9)
It’s just a hat with the NFL logo. This is clearly not an Eagles item. Get it off the Eagles page.

** Eagles Dooney & Bourke satchel ($242.99, down $27)
It’s a handbag with what looks like children’s stickers all over it. Even if you love the Eagles logo, it is legitimately hideous. And it’ll cost you almost as much as two crappy fake service helmets.

** Eagles “all-star” bikini bottom ($26.99, down $3)
No. And why? And no.

** Eagles red, white and blue shorts ($67.99, down $32)
These are not the Eagles colors, and this look like someone wore the American flag as a shirt and then had the dye bleed down onto their pants. I really wonder if the NFL is trying to make me hate America.

Following the Cowboys “big” win over the backup Philadelphia Eagles this weekend, the Dallas faithful are predicting impressive things to come for their team (despite no wins by more than one score in the last month). One of the most vocal has been WR James Washington, relegated to mostly special teams this year, but among the team leaders in bragging. Of course, that comes as no surprise if you carefully break down his name:

Cowboys wideout James Washington
** Awed wins coming? You jest, showboat

I think the Cowboys have only had one win that awed me this whole season, and that was against the Vikings, who have underwhelmed me each week.

** I went 3-2 against Dad this week in our picks, so that puts me up 8 for the season with two weeks left to go. That’s sorta like the Cardinals on Christmas being up 10 points with just eight minutes left in the fourth quarter. Tampa Bay ended up winning that game by three in overtime. Hopefully I fare better…

** I told you that Christmas and Christmas Eve games stink.

** OK the Eagles have two division losses and their QB is hurt and now Lane Johnson is out multiple games but I’m sure everything is fine, just fine.

Week 16 standings

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 2,132.78 pts
2 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,913.25 pts
3— JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1,907.15 pts
4 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1,901.12 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1,793.27 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1,761.51 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,753.38 pts
8 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,598.66 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,576.87 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1,547.31 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1,536.34 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1,412.07 pts

I’ll be honest — I think standings are right. I put them together right at the end of the fourth quarter of the Monday night game, and watching it was so rough my mind turned to mush. 

The boy has officially claimed second place from me, and will be sleeping on the porch for the rest of the week. Jo and I are now in a battle for third place, and first chance to ground Jonathan if he continues to push us down the rankings.

A huge week from Mike vaults him into 8th and right on the edge of respectability, but the race for 9th place remains tight. And Paul remains dead.

But with two weeks left, Mom D’s juggernaut team remains the big story. She now more than a 200-point lead over second, and is almost in the area where she could bench her entire team the last two weeks and still win. It’s not a great strategy, but if she wants to try it, I’m up for the experiment.

Stupid Dallas plays on stupid Thursday, and then everybody else plays on New Year’s Day. So set your roster early, because you’ll want to sleep late after staying up past midnight.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 15 recap

Twas the week before Christmas
And all through Eagle land
Lots of fans were a-stressing
With the playoffs at hand.

A spot for post-season
Was snug and secure
And the Cowboys game last week
Still looks like manure.

When from the practice field
There arose such a clatter
Because the injury report had
A player who really matters

A surprise shoulder problem
For the M-V-QB.
Just how bad it is
We’ll now wait and see.

Is he now out?
Or will he still play?
Can he get to Dallas in
A one -horse open sleigh?

Hurts’ hurt hurts the chances
Of a first-round bye.
And if his arm is a real mess
It’s about time to cry.

The situation is fraught.
“He’ll be back when?”
It’s then that I realized
We’re doing this again.

It’s five years since we lost
A QB in late season
I even rewrote this poem
For the exact same reason

And remember that year?
And what it did bring?
The playoffs, Philly special,
And a Super Bowl ring.

So this time we turn
To a different St. Nick
Sirianni has to game plan
And do it right quick.

His run plays are shaky.
His fourth downs are scary.
But so far, it’s all worked
Although sometimes just barely

More rapid than coursers
His Eagles will fly
As the fans rally behind
This odd Mishnew guy.

So bring on the Cowboys
The Giants and Saints
Bring on the postseason
New St. Nick might be great.

We may hear him exclaim
As they fight, Eagles, fight
“We still got AJ Brown
So we’ll be all right.”

QB: Josh Allen, 43.86 pts — started by Dad
WR: Zay Jones, 28.27 pts — on the wire
RB: Jerick McKinnon, 27.87 pts — started by Ant
TE: George Kittle, 20.20 pts — started by Mom D
K: Chase McLaughlin, 21.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 21.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench
D: Kayvon Thibodeaux, 16.50 pts — on the wire

Don’t look now, but over the last four weeks Zay Jones (who you never heard of until 12 second ago) has been the sixth best wideout in all of fantasy football. The five-year veteran and #3 receiver for Jacksonville is having the best season of his career, and almost half of his receiving yards have come in the last month (347). His three touchdowns on Sunday in the Jags big win over the Cowboys were what really put him over the top, however. I wonder if Eagles #3 wideout Quez Watkins was taking any notes…

For what it’s worth, Rames WR Cooper Kupp is still the 10th best fantasy receiver in all of football and he has been on injured reserve for the last 33 days.


“Jalen Reagor” edition

2nd place: (tie) Velus Jones Jr., -0.24 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jalen Reagor, -0.24 pts — on the wire
1st place: David Johnson, -0.80 pts — on the wire

Oh, poor Jalen. The former #1 pick by the Eagles who earlier this year said he thought he was treated unfairly when the team jettisoned him for a late-round pick had a stat line of two targets, zero catches and a fumble on a punt return in Saturday’s Vikings win. On the season, he has amassed 87 yds receiving and one TD in 14 games, which is 57 yds fewer than Eagles 4th-string WR Zach Pascal, who wasn’t drafted at all. But, yeah, the problem was the Philly coaching staff.

FYI, that is RB David Johnson, the former Cardinals all-star who is now a backup on the Saints. As recently as two years ago he had 691 rushing yds in a season with the Texans. So far this year, he has 8 rushing yds and a fumble in two games in New Orleans. Might be time to pack it up.


** At halftime of the Bills/Dolphins game, the NFL Network studio crew was asked what the difference in the 21-13 game was. Former injured RB Maurice Jones-Drew offered this calculated insight:

“To me, the issue is efficiency. The Bills have scored three touchdowns. The Dolphins have a touchdown and two field goals. I think that’s the difference in the game.”

I think that was the difference in the game too … because I looked at the scoreboard. Took me about 3 seconds to discern that and zero words. But Maurice did a solid job stretching that into 30 words and nearly a minute of meaningless nonsense.

** Speaking of the Bills game, the studio crew joked at halftime that they were offering their commentary while avoiding snowballs from the fans, which had been raining down on the field for much of the first half. Several hit Dolphins players in the end zone, as well as referees. Given the potential safety issues involved, NFL referee Bill Vinovich stepped in and made this announcement:

"Please stop throwing snowballs. If a snowball hits someone, it'll be a 15-yard penalty against Buffalo."

Please. Never mind that New York fans 30 years ago nearly killed a Chargers coach with snowballs. “We’re asking you nicely, because we know you’re such good fans.”

It didn’t stop the snowballs, but it did stop all mention of them from the announcing crew and reporters covering the game. You know, the same folks who still call Philly fans the scum of the earth for throwing some snowballs at a game 50-plus years ago.

** I know it’s off topic, but Sirius XM has a holiday station named Holly where they play “modern holiday hits” and right after they said that this weekend they played Elvis Presely’s “Blue Christmas” which was recorded in 1957 which was 10 years before the first Super Bowl was played and I don’t think they have any idea what the word “modern” means.

Proposed name changes for the Indianapolis Colts, after they blew a 33-0 halftime lead and lost to the Vikings 36-39:

** Indianapolis Chokes
** Indianapolis Dopes
** Indianapolis “How were we better with Carson Wentz?”-es
** Indianapolis Dolts
** Indianapolis Jokes
** Indianapolis “But seriously Matt Ryan is just bad luck”-es
** India-nope-olis Colts
** Indianapolis Revolts
** Losers


Jalen Hurts or no Jalen Hurts, the Eagles will play the Cowboys on Dec. 24. It’s the fifth time in the last 20 years the Eagles have played on Christmas or Christmas Eve (all of them away games) and the third time they’ve played the Cowboys on the holidays (2-0 in the previous meetings). That winning road record may come as a surprise to some, but not if you just carefully look at what we’re talking about here:

Christmas Eve game in Dallas
** Ach! Eagles smite damn rivals

I know it’s not great to curse on such a holy day, but in this case it seems warranted.

** Dad and I split the four games we picked different this week. Of course, one of them was the Patriots/Raiders game, and had I known that the entire New England team had failed their IQ tests before the game, I could have picked up a point.

** So, this is definitely gonna sound like another made-up quip, but a story I wrote got picked up and followed by ESPN last week. And that’s really, really odd.



Week 15 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

#1 seed — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 10-5/1911.44 pts
#2 seed — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 9-6/1994.70 pts
#3 seed — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 9-6/1845.16 pts
#4 seed — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 9-6/1787.90 pts
5 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome) 8-7/1933.94 pts
6 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-8/1859.48 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 6-9/1828.90 pts
8— America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-13/1236.18 pts

Well, Dad’s cheating successfully screwed me out of a playoff spot. If he hadn’t intentionally benched a player in the Monday night game last week so Mom could win, she would have finished fifth and we could have had an actual fair postseason. But, as it stands, the whole thing is messed up.

Good luck to the teams that deserve to be there. I’m done recapping the league for the year, because it’s not fun when people cheat.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1978.34 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 1818.88 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1815.68 pts
4 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1807.59 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1690.36 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1652.16 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1641.85 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1504.94 pts
9 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1478.11 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1452.76 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1440.40 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1323.12 pts

Mom D’s lead is nearly insurmountable now — even if I outscore her by 50 pts each of the next three weeks, it still won’t be enough to catch up.

And there’s no guarantee that I can even hold onto the second-place spot. Both Jonathan and Jo are close behind, which should create some fun fights at dinner over the next week. There’s another good fight brewing in the 8-9-10-11 spots, with the pride of at least finishing in single digits at stake. And, sadly, Paul’s team remains dead.

It’s nonsense time again in the NFL this week, with 11 games on Saturday and only three on Sunday (and another on Thursday, and another on Monday, because). So get your affairs settled on Christmas Eve eve, because you’re gonna need the time to wrap presents once the games start.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 14 recap

Nearly two years ago, in the 2020 season finale, the Eagles lost to the Maryland Football team, giving them the division title despite a 7-9 record. It was clear the Philadelphia coaching staff threw the game to improve the team’s draft position, a move that incensed players on the New Jersey Giants, who vowed “revenge” for the team not playing hard to the end (and potentially giving the 6-10 Giants a chance to win the division). And since then it has been an all-out assault on the Eagles from the team from their neighboring state. Here’s a look at the scorched earth campaign so far:

** A few months later, the Giants traded one pick ahead of the Eagles in the 2020 draft to grab Heisman trophy winner WR DeVonta Smith to spark their offense. That move left the wide-receiver needy Eagles without a reliable pass catcher and … oh, no, sorry, the Eagles did that to the Giants. And the Giants two years later still have no good wideouts. My mistake.

** The Giants beat the Eagles 13-7 in their next matchup, a game which snapped a two-game winning streak and left the 5-7 birds with no chance to make the playoffs … until they dominated the Giants in a 34-10 win a few weeks later on their way to the postseason.

** On Sunday, the Giants called two late timeouts in order to set up a final touchdown drive that culminated in a dramatic two-point conversion which left the team … only down 26 on the final scoreboard, 48-22.

Can’t wait to see what the final game of the season will bring, and if the Giants can keep up this brutal assault on a franchise they hate so much.

QB: Trevor Lawrence, 39.42 pts — on Paul’s bench
WR: Jerry Jeudy, 26.87 pts — started by Jo
RB: Miles Sanders, 27.63 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Evan Engram, 28.30 pts — on Paul’s bench
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Kansas City, 13.00 pts — started by Jonathan
DEF: (tie) Buffalo, 13.00 pts — started by Dad
DEF: (tie) New Jersey Jets, 13.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: Willie Gay, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Pretty sure having two Jaguars in the top performers list is a sign of the apocalypse, but not to worry — they were both safely stored on Paul’s bench this week. In fact, Paul left 68.27 pts on his bench … or just 18 fantasy pts fewer than what his starters scored this week. So, that’s not great.

Engram had 11 catches for 162 yds and two TDs on Sunday, nearly doubling his receiving yds and fantasy output for the year (he had just 203 yds and 32.93 pts in his previous 12 games combined). Lawrence just edged out Jalen Hurts atop the QB list, throwing for three TDs and 368 yds and rushing for one more. He’s actually the 10th best fantasy QB on the season, with a higher point total than Tua Tagovailoa, Aaron Rogers, Kirk Cousins and Tom Brady. And yet, the Jags are still a very, very bad football team.

Congrats to Eagles RB Miles Sanders on topping 1,000 rushing yds this season (and not needing all 17 games to do it). The last Eagles RB to hit that plateau? LeSean McCoy in 2014, when Sanders was still in high school (and not even a senior).

“Bottom barrel defenses” edition

3rd place: Minnesota, -3.00 pts — started by Mike
2nd place: Tampa Bay, -4.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Tennessee, -6.00 pts — started by me

Yep. One week after pulling off the defensive move of the year, I started the worst defense in the league and secured the lowest score possible for the position. Tennessee gave up 36 pts to the Jaguars in what was an important AFC South matchup, and showed no signs of life whatsoever.

Shout out to Jets QB Joe Flacco, who just barely missed this list. He completed one pass for one yard and lost a fumble in his only game action on Sunday. And he still might get the start next week over Zach Wilson, because Wilson is even worse.


** Alert on the crawl of MLB network on Wednesday evening: BREAKING NEWS — P Justin Verlander, Mets reach two year deal.

That’s Wednesday evening … 55 hours after the deal was made public. 

I know “breaking news” has no meaning whatsoever anymore, but when you’re more than two days after a piece of news is known to everyone, it’s not “breaking” anymore. Heck, it’s barely news either. It’s just recent facts.

** ESPN’s Football Power Index — “a measure of team strength that is meant to be the best predictor of a team's performance going forward for the rest of the season” — has the Eagles chances of winning the NFC East at 86.6 percent, their chances of making the Super Bowl at 41.1 percent, and their chances of winning a championship at 21.3 percent.

The index has the Cowboys with a 13.4 percent chance of winning the NFC East, a 38 percent chance of making the Super Bowl, and a 22.5 percent chance of winning a championship.

So Dallas is less likely to win the division or the NFC championship game than the Eagles, but more likely than the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. Got it. Makes perfect sense. 

The index also projects the Maryland Commies to go 9-7, which I guess means they’ll forfeit their 17th game and just go into the playoffs anyways.

** During Sunday night’s Chargers/Dolphins game, in the second quarter, Miami RB Jeff Wilson had the ball stripped from him by the San Diego defense. In the ensuing scrum, the fumble bounced around among multiple players on the ground, until it squirted out into the hands of Dolphins WR Tyreek Hill … who promptly ran downfield 57 yards with it for a TD.

NBC commentator Cris Colinsworth called it “unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.” SB Nation said the play was “as bizarre as the NFL gets.” CBS Sports Tyler Sullivan wrote that “just when you think you've seen it all, the NFL gives you another play that simply leaves your jaw on the floor.”

Folks, it was a fumble recovery for a TD. It’s an exciting play that happens just about every other week. Usually it’s the defense returning the ball for a score, but it happens on offense every few years. Eagles WR Freddie Mitchell did it back in 2004 in much more exciting fashion.

I’m not saying it’s a boring play. I’m just saying that on the same day where a guy caught a football with his knees, maybe it’s not the most mind-blowing play ever.

Here are a few of the most confusing players on NFL.com’s official 2023 Pro Bowl ballot:

** Rams QB John Wolford — The NFL likes to put a representative from every team on the list, but why they picked Wolford (two starts, 390 yds passing, 1TD/3INT) over injured Matt Stafford (nine starts, 2,087 yds, 10TD/8INT). Are they worried Stafford may have gotten voted in and been unable to play? Because I don’t think the 20th best QB in the league was really a threat there…

** Vikings RB Alexander Mattison — Mattison isn’t even the best player on his own team (hello, Dalvin Cook), much less one of the best in the league. His 251 yards this season are 1,000 behind the sixth place RB in the NFL this year (Austin Ekeler, 1,257 yds) and he’s tied for 25th in TDs at the position. Other than that, though, he’s elite.

** TE Taysom Hill — Hill is not a tight end, as we have discussed multiple times. If we’re including him, then I’m voting for Jalen Hurts as the best TE in the league.

** Twelve different fullbacks — 49ers FB Kyle Juszczyk is on this list, and he’s the only real fullback still playing in the NFL. And it’s debatable whether he really qualifies, since he’s just sort of another halfback. So why do we still have this position listed on here? Should we vote on the best “wingback” as well?

** Eagles WR A.J. Brown — Brown should not be eligible to be considered among the best wideouts in the league because the rest of the competition are mere mortals, and he is a football god. Including him sets an unrealistic standard for the rest of the group.

When the Dallas front office evaluates rookies, they look for all the things you’d expect: a hatred of all mankind, an understanding of ways to cheat on the football field, a general distaste for all things good and pure. But it takes a special something to get a player selected. And in the case of offensive lineman Matt Waletzko, that uniqueness just sang out to the scouts, obvious in the letters in his name:

Cowboys rookie LT Matt Waletzko
** Cooker kit: My bowels toot a waltz

I’m not exactly sure who would want to dance to the sound of farts, but if I had to guess, it would be members of the Cowboys team.

** I went 2-1 against Dad this week, leaving him seven down with just four weeks of football left on the schedule. The good news for him is that this year has been so screwy, there’s a chance I may pick every game wrong next week. The bad news is he still likes to pick the Jets and the Cardinals…

** If the Eagles win their next two games, they clinch the NFC East and a first-round bye. They’d finish at worst 14-3. The best Dallas could finish would be 13-4, and the Vikings (over whom the Eagles have a tiebreaker) could be no better than 14-3.

On the other hand, there’s still a scenario where the Eagles finish 14-3 and end up with the #5 seed in the playoffs. Because football.

** I feel like there were some really funny punter jokes to be had following that Eagles/Giants game but with Arryn Siposs getting hurt, we’ll hold them for another day out of respect.


Week 14 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 10-4/1808.74 pts
2 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 8-6/1840.70 pts
3 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 8-6/1824.92 pts
4 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 8-6/1709.26 pts
5 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 8-6/1650.96 pts
6 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 7-7/1725.90 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 5-9/1691.14 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 2-12/1142.34 pts

We have two important firsts in league history today. Eileen earned the first ever playoff berth in league history with her victory this week. At 10-4, she’s also guaranteed the #1 seed heading into the playoffs, and will square off against the still-to-be-decided #4 seed in week 16.

The three teams that join her will be decided after next week. Five teams are still in play for the final playoff spots. For Carl, he needs a big win and help. Me, Jim and Uncle Jim are all all-but assured a postseason invite with victories. And then there is Mom.

By all rights, Mom’s season should be just about finished. She has the lowest point total of any team outside the Losers but still carries with her a 8-6 record and sits in fifth place. If she had lost to Dad last week, she’d be at 7-7 with no real shot at the playoffs. But miraculously, leading by only a few points with the Monday game left, Dad decided to bench RB James Connor, who scored 20-plus points, in favor RB David Montgomery, who was on a bye. Maybe it was a clerical error? Maybe there was a glitch? But most likely it was match fixing, which is punishable by the loss of draft picks next year.

The move has huge implications, with Mom scheduled to play the Losers in the regular season finale, giving her an easy path to nine wins. There’s a pretty credible scenario where the second-lowest scoring team gets into the postseason and the highest scoring team misses out as a result of the cheating. An investigation has been launched to get to the bottom of this. The results will determine if Dad forfeits a second-round pick next year or merely a third-rounder. 

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1842.50 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1728.09 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1707.19 pts
4 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1686.39 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1576.03 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1540.91 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1525.78 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1424.42 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1367.69 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1363.88 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 1357.67 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 1219.21 pts

Mom D has opened a 114-point lead over second place, but that’s not the story this week. It’s the battle for second, where another bad week from me (not having a QB will do that to you) and another giant week from Jonathan has thrown the silver-medal podium spot into contention. He passed last year’s reigning Awesome Cup champion this week, giving our house a very contentious battle for the 2-3-4 spots. The winner may have to sleep on the back porch if they aren’t careful.

Dad has another good week too, but he may have cheated, so no props there. Everyone from the #6 spot down will need a miracle over the last month of the season to make a move up the leaderboard. Paul, 623 points out of first place, remains dead.

The good news for fantasy this week is that the byes are finally all finished. The bad news is that the NFL has games on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, so good luck trying to keep track of which players are hurt and which depth charts are set. Get your rosters set early to be on the safe side.