Week 17 standings Awesome Cup standings
Um … I dunno?
NFL officials announced Tuesday that due to the serious injury to Bills S Damar Hamlin on Monday night, the scheduled Buffalo/Cincinnati game will not be played this week and will instead be … well, they don’t know. And since this was the fantasy playoffs week for many leagues, and the Bills and Bengals have some of the best fantasy players in all of football, the game’s postponement means … well, we don’t know that either.
Obviously, none of this is the primary concern right now. Hamlin suffered a cardiac arrest after making a tackle and is still in critical condition. The teams and league really can’t do much until they are confident he and his family are getting everything they need. And that’s the right call.
So, for now, all the standings and whatnot have to wait. I truly have no idea what the NFL can do next, both to address the competitive balance in the AFC (the #1 seed was on the line in the game) and the $15 billion fantasy industry linked to the outcome (yes, you read that right. Billion). But, they are problems that can be settled later.
For now, for distraction, I’m just gonna roll out the other jokes I already had queued up, and hope that things are back to normal next week with Hamlin back on the road to a full recovery.
With the Eagles sloppy loss to the Saints, on Sunday, here is the worst-case scenario for the how week 18 could play out for the best team in the NFC:
** The Eagles, in need of a win to secure a first-round bye, announce that QB Jalen Hurts will be their starter against the New Jersey Giants at home on Sunday.
** The Giants, wanting revenge on the Eagles for throwing a game three years ago that kept them from winning the NFC East, play all of their starters and beat the Eagles.
** The Dallas Cowboys beat the Maryland Commies and win the NFC East and get a first-round bye.
** During the Giants game, Hurts hurts his shoulder again, knocking him out for the playoffs.
** The Eagles travel to Tampa for their first-round playoff game. During the game, AJ Brown’s ankle is injured by a cheap shot from a Tampa cornerback.
** In response, Devonta Smith gets in a fight with the Tampa secondary, is ejected from the game. On his way out of the stadium he is pulled into the crowd and eaten by the barbaric Florida fans.
** In response to that, Hurts dives into the stands to help Smith but has his arm ripped off.
** As a fan throws Hurts’ severed arm back on the field, it lands near Tom Brady. The Eagles are penalized 15 yards for roughing the passer.
** The Eagles lose in embarrassing fashion to Brady and the Buccaneers for the second year in a row.
** In grief, owner Jeffery Lurie disbands the team and sells all franchise records to the Cowboys for $15. The NFL officially declares that Brian Dawkins played his entire career for the Cowboys and that Dallas won the 2017 Super Bowl.
So, all the panic about what could happen next Sunday is totally justified. There’s a lot riding on the game.
WR: Mike Evans, 36.80 pts — started by Sam
RB: Austin Ekeler, 28.80 pts — started by Mom
TE: Dalton Schultz, 19.23 pts — started by Jeff
K: Matt Prater, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 24.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Marshon Lattimore, 12.00 pts — on the wire
Lattimore is the one who intercepted that last pass from Garner Minshew and took it to the end zone for the game-clinching score, so that’s great.
Pretty rough crop of top performers to look at all around. Brady — who was the 15th ranked QB on the season coming into the weekend — threw for more than 430 yds and three TDs in the Bucs’ division-clinching win over the Panthers. Evans was the main reason for that: 10 catches for 207 yds and all three of those scores.
We’ve got another Dallas player up there at the TE spot. And I know the Cardinals aren’t in the NFC East anymore, and Prater is just a kicker, but it still feels like an attack on the Eagles whenever that franchise succeeds.
“Names you know but you can’t remember why” edition3rd place: Darius Slayton, -0.07 pts — on Mike’s bench
2nd place: Nate Sudfeld, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: CJ Beathard, -0.84 pts — on the wire
The New Jersey Giants made the playoffs with their win last weekend, and I’ll bet you can’t name two wide receivers on their team right now. I’ll even spot you Slayton, who had two catches for 14 yds and a fumble on a punt. Go ahead, name one other. Sterling Shepard? Nope, he’s on IR. WanDale Robinson? On IR too. Kenny Golladay? Hasn’t been on the field since before Thanksgiving. Kadarius Toney? Traded to the Chiefs earlier this year. Including Slayton, the team doesn’t have a wideout with a catch in the last month who was drafted earlier than the very late fifth round. And yet, here we are.
Sudfeld, the former Eagles QB, is now the backup in Detroit and just barely missed the worst performers list a month ago. He grabbed his chance this week, though, with -3 rushing yds on three kneel-downs to end the game.
Beathard has actually started 12 games in his six-year career, all with the 49ers. He hasn’t had a start in three years and now plays for Doug Pederson’s Jaguars, and threw an interception on one of his eight pass attempts in mop-up work on Sunday. On the plus side, he is the brother of country music singer Tucker Beathard and grandson of former NFL exec Bobby Beathard, so I think he’ll end up OK.
** After Sunday’s upset loss to the Browns, Maryland Commies coach Ron Rivera was asked how his team would approach week 18 if they were eliminated from postseason contention due to other game results later in the day. Rivera’s response:
“We can be eliminated today?”
NFL teams are multi-million-dollar businesses. Outside groups have estimated the Commies have about 500 employees on staff, including the players. Are you telling me that not one of them can jump on the ESPN playoff machine website and tell the coach what he needs to stay in postseason contention each week? Hell, you can probably get some local bloggers to do it for free.
Rivera later delivered a statement to the media saying that he didn’t know the team could be eliminated from the playoffs because “he thought they would win and only focused on what would happen if they won.” Which is a nice way of saying “I don’t know how to do simple math because football is hard.”
** Ahead of Sunday’s Packers/Vikings game, Green Bay CB Jaire Alexander called star Minnesota WR Justin Jefferson overrated and called his previous success against the Packers “a fluke.” The local Minnesota blog “Viking Age” called the comments “an embarrassment” and threw down this threat:
“Has Alexander been paying attention at all to what Jefferson has been doing out on the field this year? It certainly doesn’t sound like it. It’s not like Minnesota‘s star receiver needs any extra motivation heading into Sunday’s showdown in Lambeau Field. But whatever, now if Jefferson goes off against the Packers, they can all blame Alexander for everything.”
And Jefferson responded to the slight by posting … one catch for 15 yds in a 41-17 loss. Blame Alexander, I guess. He sure stepped in it with that trash talk.
At the conclusion of the Duke’s Mayo Bowl last week, the winning coach — Maryland’s Mike Locksley — celebrated the victory by agreeing to get drenched in mayonnaise (the company made a $10,000 donation to charity in his name for the stunt). It’s literally the only reason to watch that bowl game each year, but it is a compelling and disgusting grabber, and should inspire other bowl committees to think about better traditions for their own games. Here are a few ideas connected to real bowls that were played this year: .
** The Cheeze-It Bowl — Instead of overtime, the teams have an eating contest involving boxes of the crackers. Five minutes, whichever offensive line gets the most down wins. Think of the product placement possibilities.
** The Taxslayer Bowl — Losing coach gets audited on the spot. You want to keep all your secret payments to the mistresses secret, you better win.
** The Tony the Tiger Bowl — The winning team changes its mascot to the Tigers for the next year. All other college football Tigers have to forfeit the name until they win it back. Sorry, Clemson, Auburn, LSU, Princeton, …
** The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl — Free french fries for the winning team. Fans whip potatoes at the losing team.
** The Cricket Bowl — That’s Cricket Wireless, not actual crickets, but who says it can’t be both? At the start of the fourth quarter, swarms of the insects are released in each end zone to make scoring tougher.
** The Bad Boy Mowers Bowl — The winning coach gets lawnmowers dumped on his head. Because.
It has been a full year since we last delved into the world of insult anagram poetry, but thankfully Cowboys rookie linebacker Damone Clark is here to help us correct that absence. Behold:
** Dallas LB Damone Clark
A ballad, droll sack men:
Alarm elk, oddballs can.
All lads, no black dream.
Add blank, lo, all scream.
Olden ball lacks drama
A bold call lends karma.
Damn dorks, a label call.
A larded man blocks all.
Go ahead and check, all the lines work.
But what does it mean? Clark has perhaps the best analysis of the Cowboy’s organization I have ever read. Truly, the “droll sack men” are so soulless the players can scare animals — even the unflappable elk — with their mere presence. The “no black dream” is sarcasm, for we all know every Cowboys player has nothing but the darkest desires. But add just a little blank space to that pitch blackness of their hearts and it leads to their very being screaming from the pain of goodness.
The team’s play in the 1970s was boring and “lacks drama,” but the franchise’s evil bent over the last few decades will eventually lead to their downfall, thanks to karma. So go ahead and damn these dorks, because every year for the last 25 in playoffs, a larded man — aka, the pure heartened defensive linemen of the NFL — have delivered the team’s comeuppance.
Truly, truly inspiring words. It’s a wonder why I don’t do this every week.
** In our weekly picks, Dad is either down seven, eight or nine games on the season, pending whatever happens with the postponed game. Amid all the uncertainty, he should probably just concede for the season. And next year too, just to be safe.
** Just to be clear, whatever the standings are, Mom D is still winning by a lot.
** But seriously, though — The Giants have nothing to play for on Sunday, and they want to get their players some rest before the first-round playoff game, so they’ll be starting all second-stringers. Right? Right?
** One bright spot from that Monday game: After Hamiln’s injury, NFL fans flocked to the website of his holiday toy drive. Hamlin had set a goal of $2,500 for the work. As of Tuesday afternoon, in a show of support for him and his family, the total had topped $4 million.
Here’s hoping there is even more good news to come on his story.
** The Cheeze-It Bowl — Instead of overtime, the teams have an eating contest involving boxes of the crackers. Five minutes, whichever offensive line gets the most down wins. Think of the product placement possibilities.
** The Taxslayer Bowl — Losing coach gets audited on the spot. You want to keep all your secret payments to the mistresses secret, you better win.
** The Tony the Tiger Bowl — The winning team changes its mascot to the Tigers for the next year. All other college football Tigers have to forfeit the name until they win it back. Sorry, Clemson, Auburn, LSU, Princeton, …
** The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl — Free french fries for the winning team. Fans whip potatoes at the losing team.
** The Cricket Bowl — That’s Cricket Wireless, not actual crickets, but who says it can’t be both? At the start of the fourth quarter, swarms of the insects are released in each end zone to make scoring tougher.
** The Bad Boy Mowers Bowl — The winning coach gets lawnmowers dumped on his head. Because.
It has been a full year since we last delved into the world of insult anagram poetry, but thankfully Cowboys rookie linebacker Damone Clark is here to help us correct that absence. Behold:
** Dallas LB Damone Clark
A ballad, droll sack men:
Alarm elk, oddballs can.
All lads, no black dream.
Add blank, lo, all scream.
Olden ball lacks drama
A bold call lends karma.
Damn dorks, a label call.
A larded man blocks all.
Go ahead and check, all the lines work.
But what does it mean? Clark has perhaps the best analysis of the Cowboy’s organization I have ever read. Truly, the “droll sack men” are so soulless the players can scare animals — even the unflappable elk — with their mere presence. The “no black dream” is sarcasm, for we all know every Cowboys player has nothing but the darkest desires. But add just a little blank space to that pitch blackness of their hearts and it leads to their very being screaming from the pain of goodness.
The team’s play in the 1970s was boring and “lacks drama,” but the franchise’s evil bent over the last few decades will eventually lead to their downfall, thanks to karma. So go ahead and damn these dorks, because every year for the last 25 in playoffs, a larded man — aka, the pure heartened defensive linemen of the NFL — have delivered the team’s comeuppance.
Truly, truly inspiring words. It’s a wonder why I don’t do this every week.
** In our weekly picks, Dad is either down seven, eight or nine games on the season, pending whatever happens with the postponed game. Amid all the uncertainty, he should probably just concede for the season. And next year too, just to be safe. ** Just to be clear, whatever the standings are, Mom D is still winning by a lot.
** But seriously, though — The Giants have nothing to play for on Sunday, and they want to get their players some rest before the first-round playoff game, so they’ll be starting all second-stringers. Right? Right?
** One bright spot from that Monday game: After Hamiln’s injury, NFL fans flocked to the website of his holiday toy drive. Hamlin had set a goal of $2,500 for the work. As of Tuesday afternoon, in a show of support for him and his family, the total had topped $4 million.
Here’s hoping there is even more good news to come on his story.
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