Fantasy League 2022 -- week 10 recap

One week after the Buccaneers and Seahawks played in Germany, the NFL will host a game in Mexico City between the Cardinals and 49ers next week. That will be the fourth different country to host an American football game this season (fifth if you admit that Buffalo is actually part of Canada and not the U.S.) in the league’s effort to attract a worldwide audience.

But there are still so many more foreign markets the NFL could explore. Here’s a look at some potential venues for next season:

** Japan — American baseball already has a huge following there. Why not see if they’d like to give American football a try too? Plus, have you seen their game shows? Those people will watch anything.

** Antarctica — Everybody loves football in the snow. Why not pick a location where it’s guaranteed? Getting spectators there may be a problem, so be sure to include the Packers in this contest. They seem to have frontrunner fans everywhere.

** Qatar — The country is going to need to do something with all of those soccer stadiums after the World Cup is finished, and the government would be willing to pay handsomely for the good publicity of having a U.S. sport come in. And the NFL has never turned down blood money before…

** France — There probably isn’t a groundswell of local fan support for this plan, but the NFL might need to do it for diplomatic reasons. After all, with England and Germany getting NFL games, the U.S. might have include the French in the package just to keep everybody’s feelings safe.

** Brazil — One word: TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOWN!

** Cleveland — Given the long historic ties between the city and the league. NFL execs should consider sending a real football team to play there one of these years.

QB: Justin Fields, 43.38 pts — started by Joel
WR: Christian Watson, 27.13 pts — on the wire
RB: Jonathan Taylor, 22.77 pts — started by Ant
TE: Cole Kmet, 18.93 pts — on the wire
K: Joey Slye, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tennessee, 13.00 pts — started by me
D: Eric Kendricks, 11.50 pts — on the wire

At least we got three? Ugh.

Fields over the last four weeks has nine passing TDs, five rushing TDs, 1,365 yds of total offense, 36 more fantasy pts than the next closest player and … a 1-3 record. Might be time to start finding some other good players to put around him, Chicago.

Watson, the rookie Green Bay WR, had 10 catches for 88 yds and zero TDs coming into Sunday’s game. He finished the day with eight catches for 107 yds and three TDs. As Fox analyst Greg Olsen astutely observed: “That’s probably the biggest game of his young career.” Probably. But his one catch for one yard game against the Giants four weeks ago is certainly in contention too.

“Skill players” edition

3rd place: Jody Fortson, -0.86 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Amari Rodgers, -1.74 pts — on the wire
1st place: Malik Willis, -2.40 pts — on the wire

All three of these guys were on teams that won, somehow.

Willis — the highly touted Liberty University QB drafted by the Titans last spring — had his second negative scoring game of the season on Sunday thanks to a -4 yard rush where he fumbled the ball. In four games this season, he has amassed 6.54 fantasy pts. And two of those games were starts. Ouch.

Rodgers had one catch on Sunday and a fumble on a punt return, but that’s not what I want to talk about. How is this guy allowed to play in Green Bay? You already have a very well known A. Rodgers on the team. You can’t have a second one, especially if he’s a special teams player. How many times can the fans hear “A. Rodgers is back to receive the punt” without suffering a heart attack caused by confusion?

Alas, Amari was cut by the Packers on Tuesday afternoon. No word if they signed punt returner Bobby Favre as his replacement.


** Ohio State was leading 28-7 late in the second quarter when RB Miyan Williams suffered an ankle injury on a second-down run. Williams had to be helped off the field, and the team looked emotionally shook as they resumed play. On third and two, the Ohio State backup Dallan Hayden ran up the middle for one yard. So, on fourth down and one from the Indiana 17 yard line, the Ohio State coaching staff opted to … skip the easy FG and run up the middle again. You know, behind the offensive line that was upset that their leading rusher just got carted off the field a few minutes ago.

Surprisingly, it didn’t work. The Buckeyes lost a yard on the play and turned the ball over. And the Hoosiers defense ran off the field celebrating, with several players flexing and pointing at the Columbus crowd, taunting them.

My friends in Indiana: The Ohio State decision was stupid, but overcelebrating when you’re trailing by 21 points is more stupider, as they say in the SEC. Even without their lead back, the Buckeyes hung up another 28 points on Indiana in the second half for an eventual 56-14 win. But the defense will always have that one play…

** Sports Illustrated’s Brian Murphy wrote this after Vikings WR Justin Jefferson posted 10 catches for 193 yds and a TD in his team’s win over the Bills on Sunday:

“Jefferson cemented his status as the NFL’s most dynamic receiver, an unstoppable game-breaker who is performing Moss-like tricks for the franchise that introduced the world to Randy.”

Unstoppable? Really? Because I remember Jefferson having six catches for 48 yds against the Eagles and following that up with a three-catch, 14-yard performance against the Lions. But I guess we only count the good games.

** ESPN’s fantasy football advice column on Sunday morning had Dallas RB Ezekiel Elliott as the 16th-ranked running back on the week, one spot ahead of Miami RB Jeff Wilson. Wilson ended up with 119 yds and a TD, making him the sixth-best back on the week.

The fantasy rankings are always complete crapshoots, so the fact that the ESPN “experts” were that far off is no surprise. Still, it’s worth noting that Elliott missed his previous game due to injury, then was questionable all week, then was ruled out of playing in the morning, and ESPN … never bothered to update their rankings.

Not sure what the point of having any rankings is if you don’t pay a little attention to the players’ health. But, with that in mind, I’m picking RB Barry Sanders as my fantasy play of the week next week. Last time I saw him in uniform he looked great, and that’s good enough research for me.

New NFL power rankings based on the Eagles surprise loss on Monday night:

1 — Minnesota Vikings
An 8-1 record and a come-from-behind victory over the legendary Buffalo Bills makes the Vikings the clear best team in all of football. Who cares if the Eagles beat them earlier this season? You can’t just look at one game on the schedule.

2 — Buffalo Bills
Sure, they’re not even first in their own division, but don’t they feel like they belong here? That’s what’s really important. Despite their 6-3 record, they still have the best odds in Vegas to win the Super Bowl. Because.

3 — Dallas Cowboys
Sure, they’re not even second in their own division, but don’t they feel like they belong here? Dak Prescott is an explosive, exciting QB, even if he has shown no signs of that all season. You just know it’s true.

4 — Kansas City Chiefs
They have the actual best record in the AFC, but they lost to the Bills back in October, and sometimes you just have to look at one game on the schedule to determine how good teams are.

5 — New Jersey Giants
They beat the Houston Texans by a more convincing margin than the Eagles, so you have to rank them above the division leading birds. That’s just simple math.

6 — Maryland Commies
They just beat the undefeated Eagles! So they’re a better team than them. Sure they lost to the Eagles earlier this year, but you can’t just look at one game on the schedule. You need to pay attention to the recent trends.

7 — Philadelphia Eagles
They’re tied with the Vikings for the best record in all of football, but look at the weak opponents they’ve beaten so far: The Cardinals, the Commies, the Cowboys, the Vikings. Now look at who the Vikings had to play: the Commies, the Eagles. Clearly, they have a better schedule. Honestly, I’m not even sure the Eagles belong in the top 10 anymore…

Cowboys Coach Mike McCarthy this week made his first trip back to Wisconsin since he was let go as the Green Bay coach in 2019. The event was billed as a chance for the Super-Bowl winning McCarthy (while he was with the Packers, not with the Cowboys, obviously, since they haven’t won anything of consequence in 25 years) to enact a measure of revenge on his old team. 

But instead, the Packers notched a surprising 31-28 victory, which everyone would have seen coming if they had just looked more closely at the letters in McCarthy’s name:

Cowboys Mike McCarthy appears at Lambeau again
** Aha! A comic aroma beat ya — Packers win by glam upset

I’d say scoring 17 unanswered points in the 4th quarter and overtime counts as a glamorous upset. Dallas now sits at 6-3 on the season, a record that would mean first place in four different divisions but sadly for them means third place in the NFC East.

** I scored another win against Dad this week in our picks, which puts me up five on the season. Special thanks to the Broncos, who seem to be the only reliable team in the NFL right now. If there is a chance for them to lose, they grab it without hesitation.

** As of right now, the Eagles are tied for the best record in the NFL and the #4 overall pick in next year’s draft. Thanks, New Orleans!

** Looks like TE Dallas Goedert is out for an extended stretch after he was injured on a play Monday night where his head totally wasn’t ripped off on a blatant facemask penalty, because if it was the refs would have called it or acknowledged a mistake later, right? So weird he got hurt on a nothing play.

** Mets manager Buck Showalter won baseball's NL coach of the year after guiding his team from a 22-29 record at the start of the season to 65-46 record in the second half without the 2021 MVP , leading them to their first postseason berth since 2011 and first World Series since 2009. Oh, no, wait, that was another guy. Why did Showalter win again? 

Week 10 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 7-3/1309.72 pts
2 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 6-4/1266.96 pts
3 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 6-4/1242.10 pts
4 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 6-4/1190.20 pts
5 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 5-5/1287.90 pts
6 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 5-5/1254.68 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 4-6/1215.48 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 1-9/704.50 pts

We’re five weeks out from the playoffs and only one team has been mathematically eliminated (news flash, it’s the joke team at the bottom of the standings). Eileen has started to pad her lead over the rest of the field, but a three-game win streak by Dad could still get him into first place.

Meanwhile, Uncle Jim and I have more total points than the two teams in front of us, meaning we’d both hop ahead of them in the case of a tied record. Buckle up, the final third of the regular season is gonna be exciting.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1281.86 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 1273.31 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1247.01 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1154.11 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1086.32 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 1082.69 pts
7 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 1078.18 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1075.92 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 998.01 pts
10 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 972.37 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 951.82 pts
12 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 911.04 pts

A league-winning week from Mike (130.24 pts) and a terrible week from Paul (78.88 pts) swaps the bottom of the standings in convincing fashion. At this point, it’s just a battle for pride, but Mike could still overtake a handful of teams in the next few weeks if WR Jamarr Chase ever comes back.

At the top of the standings, a so-so week from Mom D allows both Joanna and I to get within striking distance of first place. Jonathan is only 127 pts back, and after that it gets difficult. Like, Green-Bay-making-the-playoffs difficult. But they upset the Cowboys this week, so who knows anymore.

Next week the Eagles play a Sunday afternoon game (remember when they used to do that?) and the league has a relatively normal schedule. But there’s still a dumb Thursday night game to worry about, so get your rosters set early.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 9 recap

With the Eagles now 8-0 and dominating the NFL, it’s a fair question to ask — when is the next time they’ll lose a game? Here are the most realistic chances:

** Week 13 — at home vs. Tennessee
The Titans are the next team with a winning record on the Eagles schedule. WR AJ Brown could be overhyped for the contest against his old team, and the 11-0 Eagles could be looking ahead to a key matchup against the Giants a week later.

** Week 16 — away vs. Dallas
At 14-0, the Eagles already will have the NFC East and number one seed in the NFC locked up. Can they still muster enough focus to take down their biggest rival?

** Super Bowl — away vs. Buffalo
The 19-0 Eagles face their biggest challenge yet, a Bills team with a solid defense and an incredible offense. Scoring enough points to keep up with QB Josh Allen will be a real challenge.

** Week 4, 2023 — away vs. New England
Now having won their last 23 straight games, the Eagles travel north to face a Patriots squad that is always a tough out. Will coach Nick Sirianni know how to motivate his squad after so much winning?

** Super Bowl 2024 — away vs. New Jersey Jets
After two Super Bowl titles and an incredible 59 straight wins, the Eagles square off against the upstart Jets, a team that has never beaten them since entering the NFL. Will three-time MVP Jalen Hurts be able to repeat his magic again on the sport’s biggest stage?

** Week 6, 2026 — at home vs. Dallas
The NFL cancels its season just hours before kickoff after the other owners concede that no team will ever beat the Eagles again. Does that count as a loss?

QB: Justin Fields, 48.72 pts — on Joel’s bench
WR: Davante Adams, 26.73 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Joe Mixon, 51.17 pts — started by Bob
TE: Cole Kmet, 18.13 pts — on the wire
K: Nick Folk, 17.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: New England, 29.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Jonathan Jones, 13.00 pts — on the wire

Mixon’s incredible Sunday — 5 TDs, 153 rushing yds, 4 catches for 58 more yds — is the best fantasy performance in … two years. Saints RB Alvin Kamara had a 6 TD, 54.13-pts game on Christmas day 2020. Feels like that should have been more historic.

Speaking of history, there hasn’t been a Bears QB atop the top performers list since the days of Rex Grossman. But Fields, the former Ohio State star, scored the second-best QB performance of the year with a totally normal state line for the position: 123 yds and three TDs passing, 178 yds and 1 TD rushing. No idea how you pass for that little and get that many touchdowns or how you run for that many yards and get so few scores. And the Bears lost. Football remains a mystery.

FYI, the Patriots’ defensive performance was the top one of the year thus far, but nobody cares because it’s the Patriots and they’re somehow the worst team in the AFC East.

“Elite QBs” edition

3rd place: Brandon Allen, 0.78 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nick Mullens, -0.12 pts — on the wire
1st place: PJ Walker, -3.04 pts — on the wire

Walker, one of very few stars from the new XFL startup a few years back, put up an incredibly dreadful line in Sunday’s loss by Carolina: three completions on 10 attempts for nine yds, with two interceptions. That’a passer rating of zero, folks. 0.00. And remember, you dropping the remote on Sunday (one pass attempt for zero yds) is a 39.6 rating under the NFL calculation.

As long as we’re pointing out truly incredible stat lines, check out the QB comparison from the Sunday night matchup:

 
— Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes: 43 of 68, 446 yds, one TD, one INT.
— Titans QB Malik Willis: 5 of 16, 80 yds.

 
Mahomes almost had more completions on Sunday than the Titans had offensive plays (48). And the Chiefs just barely won, in overtime. It’s like the two teams were playing completely different games and somehow evenly matched.


** During that Sunday night game, the NBC TV crews zoomed in on a fan near field level with a big sign that said “WE BELIEVE IN OUR CHIEFS.” And I did a double take, because it read like the kind of generic sign that video games put in the stands as space filler. I mean, is there anyone who doesn’t believe in the Chiefs? They’ve been to two of the last three Super Bowls and are one of the top two teams in the AFC. I don’t really see a host of doubters out there.

 
** The Colts fired coach Frank Reich on Sunday and named Jeff Saturday, a former offensive lineman and Indianapolis consultant with no coaching experience, as the team leader for the rest of the season. Owner Jim Irsay explained the hiring this way:

"I'm glad he doesn't have any NFL experience. I'm glad he hasn't learned the fear that's in this league, because it's tough for all our coaches. They're afraid. They go to analytics and it gets difficult. He doesn't have all that. He doesn't have that fear. We were fortunate he was available.”

Yes, very surprising a guy with zero NFL coaching experience was available to step into that role. It’s almost as if other teams didn’t scoop him up because he was unqualified for the job.
At least Saturday won’t be intimidated by all those big, mean statistics.

Tuesday is voting day across America. So to get you ready to make well-reasoned choices at the ballot box, here are a few Philly sports questions that right now are too close to call:

Who is the most popular Philly athlete right now?
** Bryce Harper, Phillies
** Jalen Hurts, Eagles
** Joel Embiid, Sixers
Six months ago, Embiid was the runaway favorite, but some of the shine has come off with another set of postseason failures. Hurts is the leader of an undefeated Eagles squad, the most popular team in town, but he probably isn’t as loved as Jason Kelce or AJ Brown. After an MLB playoff run that featured ridiculous heroics from Harper, it feels like maybe the title is his unless Hurts can win it all.

Who is the most popular Philly coach right now?
** Rob Thomson, Phillies
** Nick Sirianni, Eagles
** Jim Curtin, Union
Thomson and Sirianni may split the votes in this one, opening the door for Curtin, a third-party candidate with a rabid following. Sixers coach Doc Rivers finished a distant fourth in primary voting. And no one even knows if the Flyers have a coach.

What was the best Phillies postseason moment?
** Six-run 9th inning vs. the Cardinals
** Two-run HR by Harper vs. the Padres
** Five HR game vs. the Astros
Feels like all of these are worthy candidates, but the Harper HR is likely to be the moment etched in the back of our heads for years to come.

What team is most likely to enrange Philly fans next?
** Eagles
** Sixers
** Phillies
A sudden Eagles slide could turn fans ugly, but the team could finish the season 4-5 and still get a high playoff seed. The Sixers look like a strong candidate here, given that they’re already under .500 and missing key stars. But don’t sleep on the Phillies. Remember, they barely made the postseason this year. A 81-81 finish next year isn’t out of the question.

Who is the most-hated recent postseason villain for Philly?
** Jimmy Butler
** Tom Brady
** Jeremy Peña
** John Smotlz
Butler and Brady knocked the Sixers and Eagles out of the playoffs in their most recent visits, but that feels more like a business deal than personal attack right now. Pena was a pain in the rear for the whole World Series. But honestly, no one broke fans spirits more than Smoltz, with his idiotic, non-stop commentary for multiple playoff series.


The pre-season hype around new Cowboys defensive lineman Sam Williams was all positive in August, but the season so far has been a mild disappointment, with just nine tackles and two sacks. But the Dallas coaching staff could have predicted the failure if they had just paid closer attention to all the warning signs in his name. Consider the clear messages in the letters there:

Dallas DE Sam Williams
** A dismal, sad, smell. Wail.
** A lawless lad, mild aims
** A male w/ ills, mad as lids
** A wild dilemma, all sass

Remember, you can’t spell “Williams” without “I am swill.”

** Great week for Dad, who went 3-1 against me in the weekly picks and jumped up to only four down on the season. Thanks to the Raiders, Falcons and Packers for really letting me down this week.

** I didn’t have time to make fun of the NFL game in Germany this week but if the Germans want to keep Tom Brady I’m sure there’s some kind of trade we can work out.


Week 9 standings

Garrity Family Thorwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 6-3/1,178.52 pts
2 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 5-4/1,184.2 pts
3 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 5-4/1,160.92 pts
4 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 5-4/1,154.94 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 5-4/1,100.92 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 5-4/1,080.96 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 4-5/1,115.58 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 1-8/602.6 pts

Once again, no one is winning this league. The difference between first place and seventh is two games and about 60 points. With just six weeks left in the regular season, it’s impossible to tell who is going to go on a hot streak and make the top four playoff spots. So that’s fun!

Awesome Cup standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,165.30 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1,154.74 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 1,128.94 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,045.75 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 991.88 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 984.82 pts
7 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 965.73 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 958.89 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 912.57 pts
10 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 865.48 pts
11 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 832.66 pts
12 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 822.08 pts

Good weeks from Mom D, me and Jo pushed us all up a tier above the rest of the field. Jonathan remains in striking distance, and Mixon’s crazy week has Bob slowly climbing up the charts.

Meanwhile, Paul and Mike are in a battle for last place, with both of their teams barely outsourcing Mixon (62.20 pts for Paul, 61.51 for Mike).

This week features a Thursday game, an early Sunday game, and the Eagles not playing until Monday night. Watch your rosters carefully.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 8 recap

Starting tonight, Philadelphia sports teams will square off against Houston clubs four times in the next three days (and more over the weekend if the World Series goes past game five). In an effort to better prepare you for the competitions, here are a few facts about “Space City” you should know:

— Houston was one of the first capitals of Texas, but the seat of government was moved in 1839 because of problems with drunkenness, dueling, brawling and prostitution in the city.

— Since the Texans began play in 2002, they have never beaten the Eagles (0-5) or the Vikings (0-4).

— Houston’s main exports today are oil, propane and cheating scandals.

— The first baseball game in Houston Astros history took place on April 12, 1965. The home team lost to the visiting Phillies, 2-0. The Houston radio announcer for the game was a young Harry Kalas, who later went on to announce much better games in Philadelphia.

— Some of the best know Houston athletes are former Astros P Andy Petitte (admitted steroid user), former Texans QB DeSean Watson (accused sexual predator), Cougars Coach Kelvin Sampson (suspended five years by the NCAA for cheating), and gymnast Simone Biles (who won all of her gold medals while not being in Houston).

— In 2002, Eagles S Brian Dawkins became the first player ever to record a sack, an interception, a fumble recovery and a receiving TD in a game against the Houston Texans.

 
— Houston is only about three hours away from Dallas, so you know that it’s full of Cowboys fans too.

 

QB: Jalen Hurts, 36.40 pts — started by Mom D
WR: A.J. Brown, 31.40 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 36.43 pts — started by Paul
TE: Tyler Conklin, 20.27 pts — on the wire
K: Nick Folk, 21.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: New Orleans, 21.00 pts — on the wire
D: Za'Darius Smith, 10.00 pts — on the wire

Brown had his second 150-yds-plus receiving day of the season on Sunday. But unlike the first one — where he had zero TDs — this time he took three trips to the end zone. On the season so far, he’s seventh in WR scoring, but four of the players ahead of him haven’t had their bye week yet. He’s on pace for 1,600 yds this season. The last time the Eagles had a 1,000-yd receiver? Jeremy Maclin, in 2014. Brown may get there before the end of November.

RB Derrick Henry rushed for 219 yds and two TDs in Sunday’s win by the Titans over the Texans and ended up … third in the fantasy RB standings. That’s because McCaffrey rushed for a TD, received a TD and threw for a third TD. And Alvin Kamara rushed for one and caught two more. From weeks 1 through 7, only five RBs topped 30 fantasy points in a single week. This week, five RBs did it on Sunday. Football is weird.

“Extra special teams” edition

3rd place: Deon Jackson, -0.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Dee Delaney, -0.50 pts — on the wire
1st place: Richie James Jr., -3.44 pts — on the wire

James wasn’t the only reason the New Jersey Giants lost on Sunday, but he certainly didn’t help. He fumbled two of the six punts he fielded in the game against the Seahawks, and averaged just seven return yds on the others. That ain’t great.

Special shout out to the Bears defense, which recorded a sack and an interception on Sunday and still scored -3.00 fantasy pts, because that’s what happens when your team gives up 49 pts.


** The stupidest thing I heard this week was John Smoltz. Like, every word he said. Every time he told baseball viewers that it was a mistake to throw a pitch down the center of the plate to a good hitter. Every time he said one team couldn’t afford to give up more runs. Everything. I never thought I’d want to hear Joe Buck’s voice on a baseball game again, but here we are.

** Last Thursday night, at halftime of the Bucs/Ravens disaster of a game, former player turned analyst Richard Sherman said he was shocked that Baltimore had relied more on its passing game in the first two quarters rather than its usually-solid run offense.

“You can’t change your game like that,” he said. “You’ve got to fall on the sword you brought.”

Not positive that “you should kill yourself” is the best coaching advice I’ve heard before, but I do think from my rudimentary knowledge of mideval history that knights typically brought swords to fight the other guys, not to use on themselves.

** But for real, the stupidest thing I heard this week was John Smoltz.

The scariest NFL player names for this Halloween:

** Broncos RB Mike Boo-ne
** Chiefs QB Pa-trick Mahomes
** 49ers OT Daniel Bruns-kill
** Dolphins WR Tyr-eek Hill
** Ravens WR Demarcus Robinson (Name anagrams to “murder cabins soon”)
** Bucs DT Willington Pr-evil-on
** 49ers K Robbie Goul-d
** Eagles QB Jalen Hurts

Please note: Hurts was included on the list not because of his last name, but because his play inspires fear in opponents.

Over the summer, the Cowboys signed USC defensive back Isaac Taylor-Stuart as a free agent with an eye towards his speed and athleticism. Sadly for them, he hasn’t lived up to that hype, and has been on the injured list all year. That may seem like simple bad luck, but a cursory view of the letters in his name would have spelled out what a health risk he is:

Dallas CB Isaac Taylor-Stuart
** A stall: Lad is a crusty acrobat

There’s nothing worse than a crusty acrobat, except for maybe an immobile gymnast or a rigid contortionist. None of that really works.

** Picked up another game against Dad on Sunday (thank you, Seahawks) which puts me back up six again. I knew I should have just kicked the extra point instead of going for two.

** Just a quick recap of Ohio State DE J.T. Tuimoloau’s day against the Nittany Lions on Saturday: Two QB sacks, one forced fumble, one pass tipped (resulting in an interception), two interceptions, one interception returned for a TD.

Other than that, though, it was a quiet day.

 


Week 8 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 6-2/1032.00 pts
2 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 5-3/1062.08 pts
3 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 5-3/1015.62 pts
4 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 4-4/1054.04 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 4-4/1021.18 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 4-4/926.20 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 3-5/977.48 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 1-7/602.60 pts

It finally happened — the joke team got its revenge. 

Our team of all Cowboys players had a great week, totaling 112.70 pts, which was good enough to upset Mom (although, not if she had remembered to start AJ Brown …). After leading the league earlier this year, her team is in a free fall now. 

Dad managed to climb back into striking distance of the mid-tier pack with his victory over me. And Uncle Jim pulled Elieen back down a little from her top perceh with a key win this week in their head-to-head matchup.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,054.49 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 1,033.25 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 990.67 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 930.77 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 896.40 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 882.78 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 873.09 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 857.30 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 785.80 pts
10 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 770.46 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 764.34 pts
12 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 760.57 pts

Speaking of people falling down the charts, Joanna’s slide from first continues as Mom D and I became the first teams to pass the 1,000 pts barrier on the season. But the most surprising part of this week was everyone’s scores — 11 of the 12 teams topped 100 pts this week (sorry, Mike). Impressive performances all around from those good RB stat lines.

That fun should end next week. Six teams are on a bye this week, which should make for some messy roster decisions over on Sunday morning. And there are only two 4pm games on Sunday, so … have fun watching Rams vs. Bucs, I guess. Get those rosters addressed early.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 7 recap

In light of recent events, here are reasonable criticisms you can still level at Bryce Harper:

** Yes, he hit a game-winning two-run HR in the eighth inning of the clincing game of the NLCS. But why wasn’t it a grand slam? Why just settle for two runs?

** Sure, Harper has proven he can hit in the postseason. But his average is only .410. He still misses more than half the time.

** He seems to curse a lot when the Phillies are doing well. I don’t know that he’s a family-friendly superstar.

** Since Harper arrived in Philadelphia, he hasn’t scored a single touchdown. Not one.

** He only has two NL Most Valuable Player Awards and one postseason MVP. Mike Schmidt had three NL MVP awards and one postseason MVP. So, you know, Harper could do more.

** Harper hasn’t won a World Series … yet.

QB: Joe Burrow, 45.24 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Mecole Hardman, 25.01 pts — started by Bob
RB: Josh Jacobs, 34.54 pts — started by me
TE: Juwan Johnson, 16.63 pts — on the wire
K: Jason Myers, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Dallas, 25.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: De'Vondre Campbell, 12.00 pts — started by me

Second week in a row for Burrow as the top fantasy scorer. Over the last two games, he has tossed six touchdowns, run for another, and totaled 83.74 fantasy pts. For comparison, QBs Justin Fields, Ryan Tannehill, and Matt Stafford don’t have that many fantasy points for the year so far.

Similarly, Jacobs has come on strong since the start of October. In his first three games of the season he has 192 rushing yds, zero TDs and 26.64 fantasy pts. In the three games since? He has 441 rushing yds, 6 rushing TDs and an absurd 92.07 fantasy pts. That total is better than all but seven RBs for the year thus far. Maybe the Raiders should use him in every game, and not just half of them.

“Guys who were supposed to be something” edition

3rd place: Isaiah Spiller, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: San Francisco, -1.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Skyy Moore, -2.00 pts — on the wire

The Niners are the third-best defense on the season, but ran into the blender that is the Kansas City Chiefs offense this week, dropping them down into the worst performers category. Spiller was a speculative “could he be a key backup?” guy at the start of the season who has materialized into little.

But Moore is the real headliner here. The Chiefs rookie wideout was projected to be a key cog in the high-powered offense this season. Instead, he has proven to be of no real use. His only touch on Sunday was a punt-return fumble that earned him the bottom spot in the fantasy rankings. He has totaled 8.19 fantasy pts on the year so far, good enough for the 130th best wideout on the season. But he has made enough money to afford that extra y in his name.


** Coming out of the locker room at the start of the third quarter during the Thursday night game, Amazon Prime sideline reporter (that’s a really weird thing to type) Kaylee Hartung ran up to Saints Coach Dennis Allen and had this exchange:

Hartung: QB Andy Dalton threw three interceptions in the first half. What was your message to him at halftime?

Saints coach Dennis Allen: Nothing. I told him to keep doing what he is doing. The first one was an unfortunate tip, the second was the same bad luck, but that third one was a real killer.

So, maybe say something to him about it then? Not sure the “go coach yourself” approach is the best way to go in this instance.

Unsurprisingly, the Saints did not win the game.

** After Sunday’s surprising loss by the Bucs to the Panthers, reporters asked Tampa Bay QB Tom Brady for his thoughts on the game. His response: "I think anytime you lose, it's not very fun for any of us."

I disagree, Tom. You losing is loads of fun for many of us.

** With the Yankees trailing the Astros 0-3 in the AL Championship Series, NY Manager Aaron Boone looked to rally his team to a comeback by showing them clips from the Boston Red Sox’s 0-3 comeback in the 2004 ALCS.

You know, the 2004 series. The one where the Yankees had the greatest choke job in baseball history. He chose that memory to inspire them.

Unsurprisingly, the Yankees were swept out of the playoffs a short while later.

Since it is the Eagles bye week, I had some extra time to dive into analysis of NFL data. Specifically, I was overdue for dispelling G’s commonly repeated myth that “the team that scores a safety usually loses.” As this is the most exciting play in football, and the only one that directly awards points for to a team for their opponent’s offensive incompetence, it’s a subject well worth the time and effort.

So, I am providing (free of charge!) a link that details all 182 safeties in the NFL since the start of the 2012 season. But, in case you don’t want to sort through it all yourself, here is the relevant summary:

** Teams that score a safety win two-thirds of the time (66.5%).
** When you take intentional safeties out of the picture, teams that score safeties win nearly 70% of the time.
** However, if your team scored a safety on a punt play or running play, it’s probably just dumb luck. Teams giving up a punting safety win only half the time (52%) and teams that have a botched run that results in a safety win only 59% of the time.
** Conversely, if your team scores a safety on a QB sack, it’s an indication your team is headed to victory. Teams with safety sacks win 78% of the time.
** Penalty sacks are also an indication of victory. Teams that commit intentional grounding in the end zone lose 82% of the time, teams with holding penalties in the end zone lose 78% of the time.

Other fun safety facts, since you asked:

** Every team has scored and surrendered at least one safety since the start of 2012.
** Every team has played in at least five games involving a safety since the start of 2012.
** The Colts and the Seahawks have played in the most games involving a safety, with 18 each.
** The Cowboys and Raiders have played in the least games involving a safety, with five each.
** The Lions have scored the second-most safeties of any team (11) but surrendered the least (one). Despite that, they have only a 0.45 win percentage in those games.
** The Patriots have the best win percentage of any team in games involving a safety, with a 0.91 win percentage.
** The Eagles are 4-1 in games where they score a safety and 2-2 in games where they surrender one.
** The Cowboys are the only team since 2012 not to win a single game where they scored a safety (0-1 in those games).

I should have my doctoral dissertation on NFL safeties completed by sometime early next year.

The Cowboys drafted Oklahoma State LB Devin Harper in the sixth round of the draft last spring, but he has been injured for the entire season thus far. That has given him time to watch a lot of other sports, however. And despite all the evil surrounding him at the Dallas facilities during his rehab, Harper’s name still reveals the truth about what he is seeing around him:

Dallas Cowboys new rookie linebacker Devin Harper
** A bold win — Phillies break SD, rock everyone. Now, a race.

When even the Cowboys are recognizing how great the Phillies are, you know the team has something special going on.

** Dad broke his losing streak by stealing one in the weekly picks, so he’s down five on the year to date. Despite that, and despite all the screwiness this week, I’m still picking winners at 63.5 percent of the time, currently better than every single one of the ESPN “expert” picks. 

** Next Sunday the Steelers take on the Eagles and if you though the Pennsylvania election ads have been bad up until now, I have some very unsettling news to tell you about the commercial breaks during that game…

** The latest report from NASA is that all of Kyle Schwarber’s home runs should hit the ground before the start of the World Series on Friday. The agency did not specify if that was the Earth’s ground or that of the moon.

** Mom D pointed out the upcoming Philly sports schedule, and it is both perfectly balanced and insane:
— Oct 28, Phillies at Houston Astros
— Oct. 29, Phillies at Houston Astros
— Oct. 30, Pittsburgh Steelers at Eagles
— Oct. 31, Houston Astros at Phillies
— Nov. 1, Houston Astros at Phillies
— Nov. 2, Houston Astros at Phillies (if needed)
— Nov. 3, Eagles at Houston Texans
— Nov. 4, Phillies at Houston Astros (if needed)
— Nov. 5, Phillies at Houston Astros (if needed)

That’s a lot of Texas and Pennsylvania in there.

Week 7 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 6-1/910.38 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 4-3/928.90 pts
3 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 4-3/923.18 pts
4 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 4-3/872.90 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 4-3/863.68 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 4-3/832.88 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-5/839.06 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-7/489.90 pts

We’ve finally done it — we’re perfectly replicated the NFL’s parity with our family league. Everyone is stuck in the middle, perfectly mediocre. Eileen remains in first (even though she has only scored the third-most points and nearly lost to the loser team this week). And we have five teams tied for second.

We’ve made one full trip through the head-to-head matchups, so we’re starting with our rematches now, which means another chance for me to beat Dad this week. The current Yahoo projections have the final rankings the same and then … every other real team at either 8-7 or 7-8. So they have no idea what’s going on either.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 910.38 pts
2 — Champ For Life (Jo), 887.92 pts
3 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 879.43 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 826.83 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 791.64 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 757.23 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 751.44 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 708.72 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 678.87 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 670.78 pts
11 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 661.14 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 658.34 pts

And just like that, we have a new leader! Mom D has been threatening to unseat Jo for a few weeks now, but used a week-high 153.29 pts to overtake the reigning Awesome Cup champion. I was just a few points off, and Jonathan and Dad continue their assault on the upper tier.

At the other end of the standings, Paul scored 55.07 pts last week and left more than 65 pts on his bench, so things are getting back to normal.

Week 8 features byes for the Chiefs and Chargers (two of the most fantasy-star laden teams), a Thursday night game between the Ravens and Bucs (more big-name fantasy guys) and another 9:30 am London game between the Jaguars and Broncos (gawd help you if you have players in that one). So check your rosters early and often, it’s gonna be a bumpy roster setup this round.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 6 recap

Both the Eagles and Phillies had huge wins over the weekend, with the Philadelphia baseball team vanquishing the Braves in the second round of the playoffs 8-3 on Saturday and the Philadelphia football team defeating the Cowboys on Sunday 26-17. But which victory was better? Here’s a breakdown:

Eagles: First win over the Cowboys in the last four tries.
Phillies: First trip to the NLCS since 2010.
Advantage: Phils

Phillies: Boosted their postseason record to 5-1.
Eagles: Boosted their season-start record to 6-0.
Advantage: Eagles

Eagles: Scored three touchdowns.
Phillies: Hit three home runs.
Advantage: Push

Eagles: Defensive backs collected three interceptions.
Phillies: Defensive catcher collected four bags on an inside-the-park home run.
Advantage: Phils

Phillies: Defeated a hated division rival.
Eagles: Defeated a hated division rival that kills puppies for fun (allegedly).
Advantage: Eagles

Eagles: Played the Phillies victory jam in the post-game celebration.
Phillies: Fans chanted E-A-G-L-E-S throughout the game.
Advantage: Push

Phillies: Made John Smoltz sad.
Eagles: Made Chris Collinsworth sad.
Advantage: Push

This is too close to call. Both teams are just gonna have to keep winning in order to determine which one is bringing the city more joy.

QB: Joe Burrow, 38.50 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: JaMarr Chase, 24.30 pts — started by Mike
RB: Rhamondre Stevenson, 22.60 pts — started by Sam
TE: Mike Gesicki, 19.60 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New Jersey Jets, 21.00 pts — on the wire
D: Quinnen Williams, 12.00 pts — on the wire

No slight to Burrow and Chase, who were pretty impressive on Sunday, but did anyone actually have a good fantasy performance? Only three players scored more than 30 fantasy points (Burrow, QB Matt Ryan and QB Josh Allen), and only two more had more than 25 fantasy points. Last week it was 10 players above 25, the week before it was 12. Sorta feels like everyone took a bye week.

Seeing the Jets as the top defense on the week made me wonder if the apocalypse was upon us. I even typed out "I think the Jets being the top defense is a sign of the apocalypse." But it made me wonder how long it has been since the New Jersey green team has occupied that spot. It took me almost 20 minutes to figure it out, but I found it -- Here was the blog entry for when it happened, in week 1 the 2018 season:

“I’m pretty sure the Jets having the league’s top defense, even through a single week, is a sign of the apocalypse.”

So, yeah. I may be unconciously recycling the same material here. But, it’s a free blog, you get what you pay for.

“General malaise” edition

3rd place: Trent Taylor, -1.34 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Cleveland, -2.00 pts — started by Dad
1st place: Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire

Why football makes no sense, part 794: The Jaguars dominated the Colts on Sept. 18, defeating them 24-0 in a game where they were listed as underdogs. So four weeks later, with the Colts top two RBs out, the Jaguars … allowed 434 yds of offense and 34 points to Indianapolis. Makes sense, they’re clearly a better team without Jonathan Taylor, the league’s leading rusher last year. Jags gonna Jag, I guess.

Trent Taylor is a punt returner for the Bengals who fumbled on Sunday or a generic avatar name for a football simulator game developed in the 1980s. I don’t remember which one applies here.


** Here’s the Associated Press’ summary of the Tennessee/Alabama game on Saturday: “QB Bryce Young threw for 455 yards and two TDs, but struggling kicker Will Reichard missed a go-ahead FG in the final minute that cost the Crimson Tide. Tennessee 52, Alabama 49.”

Yeah, I don’t think the missed FG cost Alabama. I think maybe it was the 52 points they gave up, including five (1-2-3-4-five) TDs to Volunteers WR Jalin Hyatt and the 45 yards they surrendered in the final 18 seconds of the game that allowed Tennessee to kick the game-winning FG.

But, yeah, blame the kicker.

** Ahead of Sunday, Cowboys WR CeeDee Lamb was asked about facing Eagles CB Darius Slay in this week’s contest. His response: “It is what it is. If I see him, I see him.”

Lamb did see Slay … pick off a pass in front of him in the second quarter. Poor choice of words there, buddy.

** MLB took nearly three hours — until 9:45 pm — to postpone Monday night’s Guardians/Yankees game, which in itself is pretty stupid. But it also reminded me of an even stupider, classic moment in MLB history with present-day connections.

Let’s travel back to July 3, 1993, when the Padres traveled to Philadelphia to play the Phillies for a doubleheader. The first game started at 4 p.m., but was quickly interrupted by a rain delay. And then a second. And then a third. And in the end, the first game wasn’t finished until 1 a.m. on July 4. All in all, it was a complete failure of the umpiring crew to let the game last that long.

And then they started game two, at 1:30 a.m.

Yes, in an apparent case of the umpires hating both teams and the Philadelphia fans, they decided to start the second game almost seven hours late, in the middle of the night, just to get it in. The final pitch came in at 4:40 a.m., just before sunrise. The Padres won the first, the Phillies won the second. Mitch Williams — yes the relief pitcher — had the game winning RBI single in the second game. About 1,00 fans were still in attendance, according to the LA Times.

So, if the Phillies get into a rain delay in their series against the Padres this week, be warned. There is precedent for torturing these teams in the middle of the night.

The NFL announced last month that they end the 61-year tradition of the Pro Bowl game and replace it with a flag-football contest featuring prominent players and other ways for personnel to showcase “their football and non-football skills in challenges.”

The league has not yet finalized what those challenges will be, but here are a few on the final list under consideration:

** WR acting challenge: All-pro wideouts will stand on the 50-yard line and be lightly tapped on the shoulder as a ball is thrown in the air. Whichever one flops the furthest away from the “illegal contact” and launches into the biggest tantrum will be crowned champion.

** Coaches math challenge: NFL offensive coordinators will be presented with a series of simple scoreboard problems (examples: team is up by one, team is down by four, team is up by 37) and asked if they should go for one point or two. First one to answer correctly wins. The event is expected to take five days to complete, since they never pick correctly.

** Lineman pie eating challenge: Who hasn’t wondered if offensive lineman could beat defensive lineman in a pie eating contest? Time to find out!

** QB distance challenge: The top QBs in the league will stand at the goal line and see who can throw a football the farthest. And after all the scores are in, Tom Brady will be declared the winner, because the league has to constantly say he’s the greatest at everything.

** Fan appreciation challenge: Select fans from across the country will be flown to NFL Network studios and forced to watch last week’s Bears/Commies game on repeat. The second to last one to leave the room in disgust will be declared the most dedicated football fan in America. The last one to leave the room will be declared legally brain dead by local authorities.

You can probably assume that Cowboys tight end Peyton Hendershot has heard jokes about “staying on target” and “hitting the mark” his whole life. But did you know that Hendershot is a real-life gun owner? And, like many Cowboys, he is also a felon at heart? Just look at what his name spells out:

Rookie Peyton Hendershot
** I shot one tender porky hoe.
** I shot three poky noon deer.
** I shot ten poor donkey here.
** I shoot. Repent or ye honked.

Those kinds of threats should land you in jail. But, sadly, execution threats are just normal conversation at the Cowboys practice facility in any given week.

** Another dominant week for me in the picks against Dad. I picked up three more and now sit plus-six for the season, just three weeks after I was down two. The trick I’m following right now is to pick the Patriots to win, even though they are awful, because this league is awful and makes no sense. Also the Commies got me a win, because that also makes no sense.

** The Eagles have a bye next week, and will still have the best record in football when they return to the field. In fact, they could still be the only six-win team in the NFL a week from now. The only five-win teams are the Bills, Vikings and Giants, and the first two also have byes in week 7. The Giants play the Jaguars, so who knows what to expect there anymore.

** The Sixers and Flyers and Phillies all play tonight and honestly that feels like too much distraction for Philly right now. How is Jalen Hurts expected to attend each one?

Week 6 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Elieen), 5-1/818.18 pts
2 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 4-2/734.16 pts
3 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 4-2/732.52 pts
4 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 3-3-0/787.96 pts
5 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 3-3/774.98 pts
6 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-3/727.14 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-4/743.30 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-6/412.10 pts

Quite the fall from grace for Mom and me — we’ve combined for five losses in the last three weeks and fallen from the top end of the standings to the bottom. My week was so pitiful that I would have come close to losing to the Dallas duds team at the bottom of the standings. Meanwhile, both Jims and Carl have taken advantage and climbed up the charts, but Eileen still rules the leaderboard … for now.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 776.83 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 757.09 pts
3 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 730.65 pts
4 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 699.52 pts
5 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 699.17 pts
6 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 682.30 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 678.15 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 623.12 pts
9 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 606.07 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 571.49 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 565.59 pts
12 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 563.45 pts

Big weeks by Dad and Jonathan move them into striking distance of the 700-club, but the story of the day is Mom D’s steady climb to unseat her daughter at the top. Her 128.88 pts week was the best of any team (although, all our scores were down because of the first bye) and good enough to put her out of first by just under 20 pts — or as we call it here, one unit of Eagles first-half scoring.

Meanwhile, we had a whopping five teams fail to score 85 fantasy points this week, even with everyone pretty much setting their rosters. Joel got an incredible 18.43 pts from his two starting RBs and three other wideouts. Bob had more points from his defense and two defensive players (16.50) than his three starting wideouts and TE (16.09). Tough breaks all around.

Thursday night’s game will feature the Cardinals and the Saints — two teams you may actually care about, at least until the game turns crappy like it always does — and four teams have bye weeks, including the Eagles. Get your roster set early.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 5 recap

This weekend saw the Phillies sweep their first-round playoff series, the Eagles win on the road to stay undefeated, the Philadelphia Union win to clinch the Eastern Conference, and the New York Mets eliminated from the MLB postseason. It was almost as perfect of a sports weekend as you can ask for … almost. Here’s how it could have been better:

** The Dallas Cowboys and New Jersey Giants could have lost.

** The Atlanta Braves could have announced they were forfeiting their upcoming playoff round because they fear the pain the Phillies will inflict on them.

** The Boston Celtics could have announced bankruptcy.

** The NFL could have announced they were stripping RB Emmit Smith of his rushing records because of any number of improprieties by the Cowboys in the 1990s and 2000s.

** The Eagles could have signed retired K David Akers to replace an injured Jake Elliot for this weekend’s game, and as he lined up for the game-winning FG in the 4th quarter, the snap could have sailed past the holder into Akers hands, where he unleashes a perfect surprise pass to unretired S Brian Dawkins flying down the field for a TD.

** The Flyers could have done … something positive.

QB: Josh Allen, 43.16 pts — started by Dad
WR: Gabe Davis, 24.90 pts — started by Jo
RB: Austin Ekeler, 33.03 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 29.17 pts — started by Joel
K: Nick Folk, 18.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: New England, 27.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Emmanuel Moseley, 10.00 pts — on the wire

Let’s clear this up right away: Taysom Hill is not a TE. He does not play TE. He should not qualify as a TE. But Yahoo for some reason still lists the Saints’ backup QB — who lines up as a wildcat RB or slot WR — as a “QB/TE,” which is not a thing. Hill went crazy this week, rushing for 112 yds and three TDs and throwing for another, to total 37.46 fantasy pts. But he was not the top performing TE on the week, because he is not a TE.

Totally normal stat line for Gabe Davis on Sunday: Three catches, 171 yds, two TDs. That translates into a 98-yd TD catch, a 62-yd TD catch, and a boring 11-yd catch where you have to wonder if Davis was just exhausted from running the length of the field twice already. The Bills WR was tied for 98th place in catches this week and first in fantasy points scored. Go figure.

“No defense for this” edition

3rd place: LA Chargers, -1.00 pts — started by Mike
2nd place: Cleveland, -2.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
1st place: Miami, -4.00 pts — started by Mom D

The Dolphins season so far: They beat the Bills and Ravens — two preseason Super Bowl hopefuls — and have lost to the 2-3 Bengals and New Jersey Jets. After a 3-0 start, the team is 3-2 and down to its third-string QB. I expect them to win their next five before losing the next five after that.

The Chargers were a trendy pick to be a surprise solid defense this year. Instead, through five games they have totaled 16.00 fantasy pts, 4.5 times fewer than the league leading Bills defense (72.00 pts), making them the second worst defense in football. It’d be easy to pick on them if it weren’t for the Lions — the worst team — who have just 9.00 pts through five games. What makes that even more impressive is they scored 13.00 pts in week 2 against the Maryland Commies. In their other four games, they’ve totaled -4.00 pts.


** Headline in the Washington Post on Friday morning: “The well balanced St. Louis Cardinals have an aura of destiny.”

This wasn’t the St. Louis Post Dispatch or a local Missouri TV station website. This was the Washington Post, an East Coast paper with no connection to the third-seeded Cards, the only division winner in the National League not to win 100-plus games. There was really no reason to overhype the mediocre team, but they decided to do it anyway.

Maybe next time stick to reporting on sports and not on auras.

** At the start of the 4th quarter in the Monday night game, the Raiders were facing a 3rd and 17 from the 30-yard line, down four points. ESPN commentator Troy Aikman gave this pre-snap analysis:

“Don’t be surprised when the Raiders go conservative here. Sure, they’d like a touchdown, but they need to make sure to get the points. They’ll look for something short.”

Sure enough, Raiders QB Derek Carr took the snap and … tossed the ball 32 yards downfield into the end zone, where a pair of Chiefs defenders knocked it out of the hands of a Las Vegas wideout.

Needless to say, I was not surprised by the “cautious” play call.

** A short while later, with 4:27 left in the game, the Raiders scored a TD leaving them down 1 to the Chiefs, 29-30. And then they elected to go for two, because analytics, I guess. And they missed. And they lost, 29-30.

Every week, an NFL head coach finds a reason not to tie a game. And most weeks, it hands them a loss.

On Monday, Carolina Panthers Head Coach Matt Rhule was fired after a disappointing 1-4 start to the season. The move wasn’t a surprise (NFL Network’s Peter Schrager actually predicted it on the Bill Simmons podcast last Thursday) but the names being offered up for the next coach canned are much more shocking. Consider the short list:

** Packers Coach Matt LaFleur: Yes, the Packers are 3-2. But they have looked uneven all season, and QB Aaron Rodgers is the moodiest player in the league. He may demand LaFleur’s firing just because he wakes up cranky on Thursday.

** Bears Coach Matt Eberflus: Did you know the Bears have a head coach? Neither did they. He would have been fired two weeks ago if management had realized he was in charge, but the team looks so disorganized that everyone assumed the players were just coaching themselves. When they find him, he’s likely gone.

** Colts Coach Frank Reich: Your team is supposed to get better after you trade away QB Carson Wentz, not worse. Everyone knows that.

** Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni: The birds’ 5-0 start has set unrealistically high expectations for the Philly football fans, especially given that the team has lost 19 offensive linemen to injury and still pays RB Boston Scott to be on the field. Sirianni’s firing would bring the fan base back to their normal panic and pessimism, making everyone feel more comfortable.

** Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: It’s only a matter of time until they find where he’s hiding the bodies of those kittens he has been slaughtering for fun.

After the draft, the Dallas brainstrust poured through college game film to look at which undrafted free agents might be able to help their team. One that caught their eye was Boston College C Alec Lindstrom, whose metrics all looked impressive. Of course, if the Cowboys scouts actually knew what to look for, they would have realized that Lindstrom’s own name proves he is a fraud:

Dallas Cowboys Center Alec Lindstrom
** Boloney crew: Call stats nerds, I’m a clod
.
You’d think their first interview question would be “are you a clod” but apparently they can’t even make the first step right.

** I went 11-5 in my picks this week and picked up three games on Dad, giving me a three-game lead for the year in our weekly prediction contest. Sadly, that also meant accurately predicting that the Cowboys would stomp all over the Rams. I’d have been happy to get that wrong.

** Here’s the thing: If the Eagles go 5-7 the rest of the season, they still end up with 10 wins, which is probably good enough to make the playoffs this year. And the Eagles have games left against the Steelers, Texans, Commies, Bears and Colts.

** The Braves won the season series against the Phillies 11-8 but only outscored Philadelphia by three runs in those 19 contests (88 runs to 85). So, I’m expecting both teams to trade blowouts for the first few games, then maybe have some close ones.

** Admit it, you had no idea there was an NFL coach named Matt Eberflus. In fact, you’re not positive right now that’s a real name. Maybe I made it up? Go ahead and check, I’ll wait here.


Week 5 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 4-1/705.58 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 3-2/697.46 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-2/602.02 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 3-2/601.14 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 3-2/572.36 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 2-3/658.96 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-3/651.44 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-5/348.56 pts

The whole family league is starting to tighten up, with Elieen still out front but our two 2-3 teams actually outscoring three of our 3-2 teams. In fact, the current Yahoo predictions forecast a three-way tie at 10-5 for first place at the end of the year and a three-way tie for fourth at 8-7 (Yahoo still hates Dad’s team, though). Of course, Yahoo’s predictions are terrible, so I expect to see someone break out over the next few weeks.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 662.17 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 633.46 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 628.21 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 613.91 pts
5 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 601.83 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 582.67 pts
7 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 578.01 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 540.98 pts
9 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 512.99 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 487.84 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 482.84 pts
12 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 456.64 pts

It was a nice two-week break while it lasted, but Joanna’s reign of terror has resumed atop the leaderboard. Her squad posted a monster 167.44 pts week more than twice the total of each of our three bottom finishers this week (Paul, Sam and Mike). My mediocre week drops me down to second, with Mom D and Joel lurking close behind.

Jeff and Dad made impressive climbs up the charts, while Mike surprisingly finds himself at the bottom of the pile, searching for answers.

Expect to be searching for more answers next week as we hit our first bye weeks of the season. If you have any Lions, Raiders, Titans or Texans, you’ve got to find a replacement this week. And don’t forget the epic Thursday night matchup of the Bears vs. the Commies. You’re probably not going to find much help there.