Redrafting the NFL by region

It just seems cruel that the Saints get to the first Super Bowl in team history and have to square off against Peyton Manning, a hometown boy who might be the best QB of the last decade. That got me to think what the NFL might look like if you could only draft local talent.

Here's a look at the starting QBs (and backups) for every NFL team if they looked no further than their own backyards. For some it would be a short search; For others (thanks Broncos) they'd have to search much, much farther away.

Arizona Cardinals
Starter: Ryan Fitzpatrick (Gilbert, AZ)
Backup: Andrew Walter (Phoenix, AZ)

Atlanta Falcons
Starter: Brett Favre (Gulfport, MS)
Backup: Tavarias Jackson (Mongtomery, AL)

Baltimore Ravens
Starter: Michael Vick (Newport News, VA)
Backup: Aaron Brooks (Newport News, VA)

Buffalo Bills
Starter: Gus Ferrotte (Kittanning, PA)
Backup: Chad Henne (West Lawn, PA)

Carolina Panthers
Starter: Chad Pennington (Knoxville, TN)
Backup: Tyler Thigpen (Winnsboro, SC)

Chicago Bears
Starter: Donovan McNabb (Chicago, IL)
Backup: Kurt Warner (Burlington, IA)

Cincinnati Bengals
Starter: Chris Redman (Louisville, KY)
Backup: Jared Lorenzen (Covington, KY)

Cleveland Browns
Starter: Brady Quinn (Columbus, OH)
Backup: Troy Smith (Cleveland, OH)

Dallas Cowboys
Starter: Drew Brees (Austin, TX)
Backup: Josh McCown (Jacksonville, TX)

Denver Broncos
Starter: Jake Plummer (Boise, ID)
Backup: Chad Hutchison (Boulder, CO)

Detroit Lions
Starter: Ben Roethlisberger (Findlay, OH)
Backup: Jim Sorgi (Fraser, MI)

Green Bay Packers
Starter: Sage Rosenfels (Maquoketa, IA)
Backup: Charlie Whitehurst (Green Bay, WI)

Houston Texans
Starter: Vince Young (Houston, TX)
Backup: Kevin Kolb (Victoria, TX)

Indianapolis Colts
Starter: Rex Grossman (Bloomington, IN)
Backup: Rick Mirer (Elkhart, IN)

Jacksonville Jaguars
Starter: Daunte Culpepper (Ocala, FL)
Backup: Brad Johnson (Marietta, GA)

Kansas City Chiefs
Starter: Josh Freeman (Kansas City, MS)
Backup: Shaun Hill (Parsons City, KS)

Miami Dolphins
Starter: Brian Griese (Miami, FL)
Backup: Quinn Gray (Fort Lauderdale, FL)

Minnesota Vikings
Starter: Kyle Orton (Altoona, IA)
Backup: Chris Weinke (St. Paul, MN)

New England Patriots
Starter: Matt Hasselbeck (Westwood, MA)
Backup: Todd Collins (Wapole, MA)

New Orleans Saints
Starter: Peyton Manning (New Orleans, LA)
Backup: Eli Manning (New Orleans, LA)

New York Giants
Starter: David Garrard (East Orange, NJ)
Backup: Dan Orlovsky (Bridgeport, CT)

New York Jets
Starter: Chris Simms (Ridgewood, NJ)
Backup: Jay Fiedler (Oceanside, NY)

Oakland Raiders
Starter: Aaron Rodgers (Chico, CA)
Backup: Carson Palmer (Fresno, CA)

Philadelphia Eagles
Starter: Joe Flacco (Vorhees, NJ)
Backup: Matt Ryan (Exton, PA)

Pittsburgh Steelers
Starter: Matt Schaub (Pittsburg, PA)
Backup: Marc Bulger (Pittsburgh, PA)

San Diego Chargers
Starter: Tony Romo (San Diego, CA)
Backup: Marc Sanchez (Long Beach, CA)

San Francisco 49ers
Starter: Tom Brady (San Mateo, CA)
Backup: Seneca Wallace (Sacramento, CA)

Seattle Seahawks
Starter: Derek Anderson (Portland, OR)
Backup: Alex Smith (Seattle, WA)

St. Louis Rams
Starter: Jay Cutler (Santa Claus, IN)
Backup: Trent Green (St. Louis, MO)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Starter: Matt Stafford (Tampa, FL)
Backup: Jeff Blake (Daytona Beach, FL)

Tennessee Titans
Starter: Phillip Rivers (Decatur, AL)
Backup: Jamarcus Russell (Mobile, AL)

Washington Redskins
Starter: Byron Leftwich (Washington, DC)
Backup: Kerry Collins (Lebanon, PA)

Rules for running up the score

Late in Minnesota's playoff win over Dallas on Sunday, the Vikings opted to keep gunning for the end zone despite a comfortable 24-point lead. With Just over three minutes left QB Brett Farve tossed his fourth TD of the game, boosting the score to 34-3 and enraging the Cowboys' sidelines.

Since then, sports talk shows have been debating whether the move was classless or just competition. But so far no one has broken out the definitive answer to the question, the League's own Official Unofficial Rules Rulebook. It covers all the critical parts of the game that fall outside the refs' purview, like end zone celebrations and when it's permissible to smack an offensive lineman's butt.

And, right there in section 301.42, it spells out exactly when piling onto an opponent is allowed. Let's take the points one by one:

Sec 301.42 -- Running up the score

Teams shall not continue to aggressively attempt to pad their margin of victory except under the following circumstances:

1 ~~ That team's playoff berth may be determined by their season-long points total;
Tough to argue that this one could apply to the Vikings. Even though Joe Buck insists that Farve plays every down like his life depends on it, it would have made more sense if the Minnesota coach had benched his starters that late in the game.

2 ~~ Player/Players are attempting to reach a personal milestone;
Vikings WR Sidney Rice had already caught three TDs in the game at that point, and a fourth would have set a new post-season record. But the final TD pass went to TE Visanthe Shiancoe, so that reason is out too.

3 ~~ A team is avenging poor sportsmanship from earlier in the game;
True, being forced to stare at QB Tony Romo's dopey face is considered a cheap shot in many cultures, but it doesn't really rise to poor sportsmanship. Maybe if Dallas had called a late timeout, or kicked a FG with two minutes left just to break up a shutout. But not here.

4 ~~ A team is avenging a cheap shot from a past meeting;
The Vikings lost a heartbreaking playoff matchup to the 'boys in 1975 on a controversial Hail Mary-pass interference play. But the statue of limitations for grudges of a postseason nature, outlined in section 401.77, is only 30 years. So no go there either.

5 ~~ Or, the team being picked on is the Dallas Cowboys.
Oh, OK then. I guess it was all good.

Farve is still a jackass, though.

Actual texts from tonight's game

Me: F-ing pathetic. First time the Eagles have ever lost 3 to the boys in a season.
G: I am so angry right now I have no response.
Me: Saddest part is this might be McNabb's last game as an Eagle.
G: Don't care.
G: Andy MUST go.
Me: But he won 11 games this year. And one was even against a team with a winning record.
G: He is unable to fulfill even the most basic coaching duties. It's like expecting an armless five year old to bench press the Sears tower.
Me: As jo said, that's a lot of commitment for a text message.
G: I hate him more than baby Sidney Crosby.
Me: That's a lie.
G: Andy Reid is now positioned right above Lomas Brown and right below Jay Novacheck on my list of hate.
Me: Wait, does that chart go up or down?
G: I hate Novacheck more than Andy. But not by much.

I could give you all context for the baby Sidney Crosby comment, but honestly it's not gonna make this whole thing any less painful.

Final 2009 fantasy football standings

The pros may be headed into the playoffs, but we’ve come to the end of yet another fantasy season. Before we award the Awesome Cup for the eighth time, lets take a look back at how everyone did (accompanied by pictorial representations of that performance):

Plaxico's attorney (Neal)
Prediction – 3rd place, 2072 pts
Actual – 13th place, 1483.78 pts
It easy to compare Neal’s team to the St. Louis Rams – both teams had dreadful coaching and neither team showed up at all this year. And in 2010 both teams might get dropped into the minor leagues. On the plus side, at least the guy who won the #1 overall pick in the draft didn’t get to win anything else during the year.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)

Prediction – 13th place, 1700 pts
Actual – 12th place, 1803.13 pts
Poor Jeff. Much like the Lions he’s taken up near permanent residence at the bottom of the standings. Uncharacteristically, Jeff made move roster moves this year than all his other seasons combined. Unfortunately, it didn’t help change the inevitable result.

Palin's Death Panels (Jim)
Prediction – 8th place, 1889 pts
Actual – 11th place, 1891.77 pts
It’s always nice to see the Eagles make Steelers fans unhappy, and no one was more upset about Brian Westbrook’s terrible season this year than Jim (except maybe Westy’s remaining brain cells). On the plus side, he’s still having a better two-year run than his team’s namesake…

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (Bobert)
Prediction – 7th place, 1949 pts
Actual – 10th place, 1967.74 pts
I was right on with my points prediction here, but unfortunately for Bob I underestimated how much it would take to win this league. Not even a doctor could save this team in the end, which is a shame because Bob is the only doctor in the league. Sure, he’s not that kind of doctor, but it really wouldn’t matter.

Bullets over Burress (Joel)
Prediction – 4th place, 2020 pts
Actual – 9th place, 1981.36 pts
I had big expectations for Joel this year, and he did have his best finish in four years. But ninth place is no better than where the Giants finished in the NFC. Should he be proud of that? Do you think Eli Manning’s mom is proud of him? Of course not; He’s only the third best QB in the family.

BetterThanYourTeam (Dad)
Prediction – 9th place, 1850 pts
Actual – 8th place, 2016.37 pts
It was pretty clear from the start Dad was going to finish in the middle of the pack, just a hair worse than where he finished last season. As evidenced by his weekly picks, he never really got ahold of the feel of the league this season. That, and his best RB was Julius Jones. That really screwed him.

Bad Newz Iggles (Champ Mike)
Prediction – 2nd place, 2125 pts
Actual – 7th place, 2115.12 pts
Very disappointing year for the only two-time Awesome Cup champion; QBs David Garrard and Vince Young combined to suck the life out of his team. On the plus side, he still walks away with the best team name of the year, and for that he’ll be awarded our league’s courage award. Because, really, no one has been through more than Mike Vick ... er ... ChampMike.

TMITITW (Heidi)
Prediction – 12th place, 1705 pts
Actual – 6th place, 2132.94 pts
But the second honor of the evening gets taken away from CampMike and wife Heidi, and heads to Fort Awesome. Yes, this is the first year both Jo and I beat ChampMike and Heidi in the standings, proving that even a blind ref gets a holding call right once in a while. So we'll gladly put the Awesome Family Geniuses Trophy up on our mantle for the year.

I heart WRs (Paul)
Prediction – 1st place, 2126 pts
Actual – 5th place, 2145.57 pts
Maybe it was the complexity of his name, maybe it was some late season bad luck, maybe it was the fact that WR Devin Hester kinda sucks. Whatever the reason, Paul just barely misses the coveted top four after a miserable final week after a reasonably successful season. Much like this year’s Denver Broncos, he gets an A for effort but only a C for results.

Suck My Vick (Ant)
Prediction – 11th place, 1800 pts
Actual – 4th place, 2153.25 pts
Holy crap, Anthony finished near the top again. Sure, he somehow drafted RB LaDanian Tomlinson yet again, but it was his TE corps – Dallas Clark and Brent Celek – who helped push him towards the top this year. And for his excellent showing Ant will almost certainly get screwed in next year’s draft order.

Chase Utley's WFCs (Joanner)
Prediction – 5th place, 2001 pts
Actual – 3rd place, 2171.59 pts
Just to be clear – if you finished below this line than you were beaten in football this year by a pregnant woman. There’s no other way to put it. A pregnant woman schooled you in football this year. Joanna matched her best finish ever this year, but it still wasn’t enough to steal away the Fort Awesome individual title because…

ZombieJacko Comeback (me)
Prediction – 6th place, 1950 pts
Actual – 2nd place, 2196.97 pts
You want to know why I picked S Brian Dawkins as the first overall defensive player? Not because of sentimentalism. Not because I thought he’d score the most points. It’s because Dawkins brings leadership to every team he plays on. It wasn’t enough to win it all, but one man never is. But winners always find a way to make it competitive.

Pick Six Dix (New Mike)
Prediction – 10th place, 1825 pts
Actual – Champion, 2384.93 pts
Last year we had our first ever repeat champion, and this year we have our first ever rookie champion. Chalk it up to luck or skill (his first two picks were RB Chris Johnson and QB Tom Brady, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t set his draft order), but the new guy walks away with our highest honor and bragging rights until August. As always, the Awesome Cup comes with a lifetime invitation to Draftsgiving festivities at Fort Awesome and the envy of all your peers.

OK, kids -- That’s it for the fantasy year, but remember I’m still here for the duration of the playoffs and every week after that. And there’s only 109 days left until Draftsgiving, which will be the most exciting day of the year. Except, you know, maybe that whole birth of a son thing scheduled for March. But there isn’t any guarantee of football at that event, so it’s still a toss up.

2009 fantasy recap, week #17

Bad Omen: The Eagles have only beaten the Cowboys outside of December once since 2005, and are 1-5 in those contests.
Good Omen: This will be the fourth time the Eagles and Cowboys have squared off three times in the same season. The Eagles have never gone 0-3 against their rivals.

Bad Omen: This is the 17th time the Cowboys have won the NFC East. Ten of the other 16 times, Dallas made it to the conference championship.
Good Omen: The Eagles are 4-1 in their last five Saturday playoff games. The Cowboys have lost their last three Saturday playoff games.

Bad Omen: The Eagles have only been shut out three times in the last 10 years, but time they lost their next game too.
Good Omen: The Cowboys haven’t won a playoff game in 13 years. The last two times they won the NFC East they were upset by a division opponent in the first round.

Bad Omen: In two games against Dallas this year, the Eagles have been outscored 44-16.
Good Omen: In their final game last year, the Eagles won 44-6.

Bad Omen: The Cowboys were 6-2 at home this year, and those two losses both came after late 4th-quarter field goals.
Good Omen: The five other times the Eagles entered the playoffs at 11-5, they’ve gone 4-1 in their first round games. And Andy Reid has never lost in the first round of the playoffs.

Top performers on the year, drafted
QB: Aaron Rodgers, 403.46 pts – Me, seventh QB drafted
RB: Chris Johnson, 377.63 pts – NewMike, eleventh RB drafted
WR: Andre Johnson, 264.60 pts – Ant, third WR drafted
TE: Dallas Clark, 236.83 pts – Ant, fourth TE drafted
K: Nate Kaeding, 159.00 pts – ChampMike, seventh K drafted
DEF: NY Jets, 221.00 pts – ChampMike, seventh DEF drafted
D: Jared Allen, 82.00 pts – Jo, thirteenth D drafted

An asterisk goes next to Jo’s defensive player, however – she cut him just a few weeks into the season. And who knew? Drew Brees? Peyton Manning? Brett Farve? Not as good as the Packers QB.

Top performers on the year, undrafted
QB: Alex Smith, 182.20 pts – Bob (22nd best QB)
RB: Carnell Williams, 168.70 pts – Heidi (26th best RB)
WR: Robert Meachem, 167.29 pts – Jeff (23rd best WR)
TE: Todd Heap, 128.73 – Jeff (13th best TE)
K: Jay Feeley, 137.00 pts – Jo (7th best K)
DEF: San Francisco, 213.00 pts –Jo (2nd best DEF)
D: Charles Woodson, 92.60 pts – Heidi (Top D player)

Lesson learned for next year – don’t bother picking up anything in the draft other than QBs, RBs, WRs and maybe a TE. Four of the top five D players were waiver wire picks, and the San Fran defense sat on the wire for half the year before Joanna scooped them up.

You could have made a fortune if you made these bets at the start of the season:

** Texans QB Matt Schaub would pass for the most yards of anyone in the league (4,770 yds).
** Eagles FB Leonard Weaver (323 yds) would outrush Eagles RB Brian Westbrook (274 yds).
** Giants WR Steve Smith (107 catches, 1,220 yds) would outgain Panthers WR Steve Smith (65 catches, 982 yds).
** Packers QB Aaron Rodgers would finish with as many rushing TDs (five) as Saints RB Reggie Bush.
** Vikings RB Adrian Peterson (1,383 yds) would miss the NFL rushing title … by more than 600 yards (Chris Johnson, 2,006 yds).

"Worst performers of the year" edition

5th Place: J.T. O'Sullivan, -1.20 pts – sitting on the wire
4th Place: Caleb Hanie, -1.56 pts – sitting on the wire
3rd Place: Jeff Garcia, -2.20 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Chris Simms, -3.48 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place: Curtis Painter, -4.28 pts – sitting on the wire

The bottom five players are all backup QBs, but the bottom two got nearly a full four quarters of playing time (as opposed to Garcia, who appeared in two plays on the year and managed –2 rushing yards and a fumble). In the end, Painter’s final two games in relief of Colts QB Peyton Manning were absolutely dreadful – two INTs, two fumbles, no TDs – and enough to make him the worst fantasy player of the season. And Painter’s Colts are headed to the playoffs, so there’s still an chance he could sneak in another fumble before the offseason.

Here’s a quick look at some of the least exciting games of the season involving some of the least exciting teams in the league:

** Week 2: Maryland 9, St. Louis 7
These two teams combined for five wins on the year (and only one was the Rams’) but this early-season match-up should have been an indicator of things to come. Racial Slurs’ K Shaun Suisham kicked three FGs – the longest of which was 28 yards – to seal the victory.

** Week 5: Browns 6, Bills 3
In the lowest-scoring game of the year, Cleveland QB Derek Anderson passed for 23 total yards … and won. Bills WR Terrell Owens finished with one rush for six yards, and was still among the top rushers on either team for the day.

** Week 10: Chiefs 16, Raiders 10
Kansas City avenged its 13-10 Week 2 loss to Oakland with a game possibly more boring than the first contest. All but three of the 26 points scored in the game came before halftime.

** Week 11: Lions 38, Browns 37
This legitimately could have been one of the top games of the year if not for the teams involved. The Lions got their second win of the season (and finished with no more) after a 88-yard TD drive engineered by Detroit QB Matthew Stafford in the final minutes of the game. The teams combined for over 900 yards of offense.

** Week 15: Browns 41, Chiefs 34
Another high-scoring affair from the Browns, but this time they came away winners. Unknown RB Jerome Harrison broke Jim Taylor’s team rushing record with a 286-yard, 3 TD day. The Chiefs 491 yards of offense somehow weren’t enough to pull off a win.

It’s the final week of the season, and I can’t tell what’s stupid anymore because of the constant buzzing left in my ears by 17 weeks of less-than-insightful commentary. You tell me which of these was the most stupidest:

FOX commentator Troy Aikman, during Sunday’s Eagles game: “In the first meeting between these two teams the Cowboys only totaled 76 rushing yards. Now, we’re not even through the first half and they’ve gained more than that.”
The on-screen graphic has the Cowboys with 66 yards of rushing at that point. I double checked, and 66 is still not more than 76.

Oregon football coach Chip Kelly, right before the Rose Bowl: “Our guys should have butterflies before a game like this. Our job is just to make sure those butterflies fly in formation.”
Maybe not the dumbest thing I heard this week, but certainly the wimpiest.

Patriots QB Tom Brady, after learning that WR Wes Welker suffered a year-ending injury on Sunday: “Baltimore doesn’t really know what they’re going to see from us (next week in the playoffs). We’re going to have to shift focus, and they’re really not sure where that focus is going to go. In some ways, that’s an advantage for us.”
Just think of what an advantage it would be if New England lost all its superstars.

Westwood One commentator Scott Graham, before the Jets/Bengals game: “It’s windy and cold there, so weather is going to be the deciding factor in this game.”
The Bengals, who already had a playoff spot, benched most of their starters and were destroyed by the Jets 37-0. But I’m sure the wind was the biggest factor in them deciding not to try.

Looking ahead to next week’s playoff games, I noticed that despite several first- and second-year players taking over major roles for the Dallas squad the Eagles still have a younger average age (26.8 years) than the Cowboys do (26.9 years). Why is this significant? Just look at what that spells out for the big NFC East rematch:

Cowboys/Eagles playoffs rematch
-- Age flaws come, chaps lose by forty –

As I noted before, last year the Cowboys only lost by 38 in their final game of the season, so losing by 40 would be a surprise.

** My mistake last week – Dad dropped two in week 16, leaving him 17 behind and mathematically eliminated for the season. On the plus side, everything gets reset for our annual playoff match-up.

** In case you missed it on Sunday, the Flyers also lost badly (7-4) and the Sixers nearly blew a 16-point fourth quarter lead in their game against the Nuggets. But they held on, so I guess everything turned out happy for the day then…

** Playoff fantasy football, anyone? Every year I ask this, and every year I expect someone to come punch me in the face for suggesting it.

Check back tomorrow for the final season standings.

2009 fantasy recap, week #16

Think you know the NFL? Then identify which of these are 2009 NFL Pro Bowl players, and which are characters from the movie Ocean's Eleven.

1. Logan Mankins
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
2. Reuben Tishkoff
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
3. Billy Tim Denham
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
4. Jonathan Stinchcomb
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
5. Linus Caldwell
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
6. Jeff Saturday
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
7. Kris Dielman
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
8. Turk Malloy
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
9. Basher Tarr
   Pro Bowl1 of 11
   
10. Darrelle Revis
    Pro Bowl1 of 11
    

Anything more than seven right and you know way to much about the NFL ... or about George Clooney movies.

QB: Tom Brady, 35.08 pts – started by NewMike
RB: Jonathan Stewart, 29.67 pts – started by Heidi
WR: Roddy White, 29.27 pts – started by Paul
TE: Brent Celek, 18.07 pts – started by Ant
K: Mason Crosby, 14.00 pts – started by Ant
DEF: Atlanta, 24.00 pts – sitting on Jeff’s bench
D: Aaron Schobel, 12.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Only one Pro Bowler on that list, and I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’re all sick of Tom Brady.

A quick look at the statistical leaders for the Eagles for the last decade (Jan. 1, 2000 to Dec. 31, 2009).

Top passers
#1 Donovan McNabb (31,702 yds); #2 AJ Feeley (2,303 yds); #3 Jeff Garcia (1,309 yds); #4 Mike McMahon (1,158 yds); #5 Kevin Kolb (885 yds)
Yes, Koy Detmer comes in sixth.

Top rushers
#1 Brian Westbrook (5,978 yds); #2 Donovan McNabb (2,928 yds); #3 Duce Staley (2,440 yds); #4 Correll Buckhalter (2,155 yds); #5 Dorsey Levens (821 yds)
Shady McCoy is next, with just one year of work.

Top receivers
#1 Brian Westbrook (3,770 yds); #2 Todd Pinkston (2,816 yds); #3 Reggie Brown (2,574 yds); #4 LJ Smith (2,525 yds); #5 Chad Lewis (2,179 yds); #6 DeSean Jackson (2,032 yds)
T.O. comes in eighth, just behind James Thrash.

Top pass defenders
#1 Brian Dawkins (22 INTs); #2 Sheldon Brown (19 INTs); #3 Lito Sheppard (18 INTs); #4 Troy Vincent (13 INTs); #4 Asante Samuel (13 INTs);
Bobby Taylor just misses the top five.

Top pass rushers
#1 Trent Cole (47 sacks); #2 Hugh Douglas (40 sacks); #3 Corey Simon (32 sacks); #4 Darwin Walker (27 sacks); #5 Juqua Thomas (23 sacks)
Jevon Kearse? Not until #7. Dawkins? Ninth.

Top tacklers
#1 Brian Dawkins (506 tackles); #2 Jeremiah Trotter (463 tackles); #3 Sheldon Brown (351 tackles); #4 Michael Lewis (326 tackles); #5 Quintin Mikell (259 tackles)
One LB, three safeties on that list

Terrible defenses edition

3rd Place: Jacksonville, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place (tie): NY Giants, -5.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place (tie): Seattle, -5.00 pts – started by Jeff

That’s right – Jeff started the worst defense of the week and sat the best one, posting a 29-point swing in just one decision. He also started Ronnie Brown for the fifth week in a row since the Dolphins RB was put on injured reserve, and started a injured kicker on top of that for good luck.

But Jeff was just the unluckiest of five teams this week to start an injured player. The season isn’t over yet, my friends. Don’t forget to check the inactives on Sunday.

In the last two days I’ve heard the Redskins radio crew talk say “you need tacklers, especially on your defense” and heard ESPN talk about how the Miami Hurricanes’ QB “has a lot of arm talent.”

Between that and listening to the refs during the Eagles/Broncos game, it’s amazing I haven’t forgotten how to work pants. Come to think of it, my legs have been really cold today…

Dallas has at least two more weeks of football left, thanks to the giant Giants choke job last weekend. But this Sunday’s game could determine exactly who and where the Cowboys’ opening round loss will take place. Lucky for the Texas faithful, the Cowboys always show up to play in the final week. Right?

Dallas Cowboys final regular season game
-- Assured angle: Ya loser cow slobs fall again --

The last time the Cowboys won their finale? 1999. And then they lost the next week in their playoff debut.

Three big games this weekend: Eagles visit Cowboys, Vikings host Giants, Packers visit Cardinals. Here’s all the ways the playoff race could shake out, listed from best-case scenario to worst-case:

1 -- Eagles win, Vikings win, Cardinals win
Result: Eagles get the #2 seed, Vikings host Cowboys, Cardinals host Packers

2 – Eagles win, Vikings lose, Cardinals win
Result: Eagles get the #2 seed, Vikings host Packers, Cardinals host Cowboys.

3 – Eagles win, Vikings win, Cardinals lose
Result: Eagles get the #2 seed, Vikings host Cowboys, Cardinals host Packers

4 – Eagles win, Vikings lose, Cardinals lose
Result: Eagles get the #2 seed, Vikings host Cowboys, Cardinals host Packers

5 – Eagles lose, Vikings win, Cardinals win
Result: Vikings get the #2 seed, Cardinals host Packers, Cowboys host Eagles

6 – Eagles lose, Vikings lose, Cardinals win
Result: Cardinals get the #2 seed, Vikings host Packers, Cowboys host Eagles

7 – Eagles lose, Vikings win, Cardinals lose
Result: Vikings get the #2 seed, Cardinals host Packers, Cowboys host Eagles

8 – Eagles lose, Vikings lose, Cardinals lose
Result: Cowboys get the #2 seed, Cardinals host Packers, Vikings host Eagles

So, more than likely it’s either a first-round bye or a second week in Dallas for the Birds. Either way, I’m stressed out.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Second-place is still up for grabs if your name starts with “Anthony” or “Paul” or “Capt.” But you know Heidi is still gonna find a way to win this thing.

** Despite my beloved Broncos letting me down, I still managed to pick up one more game on Dad, leaving him 16 down going into the final week of the season. That means if I can correctly pick just one game this week, I’ll walk away with a rare season win over my father. And the Ravens are playing the Raiders, with a playoff spot on the line.

** Brian Dawkins made the Pro Bowl as the AFC’s starting strong safety. I didn’t see who made it for the NFC – was it Quintin Demps? Macho Harris? No? Well, then, why the hell did the Eagles let Dawkins go?

** FB Leonard Weaver’s selection to the Pro Bowl squad makes him the first all-star Eagle at that position since Bill Barnes in 1960. And I’m not sure, but I may have just made the guy up.

** Last week, kids. If you’ve got a 300-point week in your team, now’s the time to pull it out.

2009 fantasy recap, week #15

As you know, this weekend will be the Eagles annual “Christmas” game, where they bring a Santa impersonator out to wish glad tidings to the fans. He will be booed mercilessly. And that’s the right thing to do – here’s why:

** If I told you a laughing man was going to break into your house tonight and leave “presents” all over your floor, you’d call the cops right away.

** How many Super Bowl wins has Santa brought to the Philly faithful? None.

** Morbid obesity is nothing to celebrate.

** Every year he covers every house in the world to deliver presents, but he can’t chip in and help the Eagles’ secondary cover half the field once in a while?

** He’s wearing fur.

** You can’t spell “Santa Clause” without “Cue Satan.”

** Everyone who takes the field in Philadelphia gets booed. It’s only fair.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 43.52 pts – started by me
RB: Jerome Harrison, 49.40 pts – sitting on my bench
WR: Steve Smith, 24.87 pts – started by Joel
TE: Dallas Clark, 25.33 pts – started by Ant
K: Matt Prater, 16.00 pts – started by Bobert
DEF: NY Giants, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Louis Delmas, 10.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Between Harrison and two other players I left a ridiculous 59 pts on my bench this week, easily the worst of any team (Neal was second with 48, and he stopped playing in October). In fairness, though, Harrison had only 301 rushing yards and no rushing TDs on the year; On Sunday, he went for 286 yards and 3 TDs. If you could have predicted that, you and I have a trip to Vegas coming up.

Also of note: Ben Rothelsberger passed for 503 yards with three TDs and is only the second-best QB of the week. The guy he beat was statistically better. That’s not fair.

Brian Dawkins is unquestionably the greatest safety in Eagles history.

In his 13-year career in Philadelphia he collected 36 interceptions, 25 forced fumbles, 21 sacks and over 800 tackles. He is the only player ever to record a interception, forced fumble, sack and TD reception in the same football game. He played for one Eagles team that lost 13 games and another that won the NFC championship game at home. In short, there’s nothing he didn’t do on the field in Philly.

Except record a safety.

Yes, somehow after 186 games with the team, Weapon X never scored a two-pointer for the home team. So here’s hoping on Sunday, as a member of the Denver Broncos, after his third interception of the day, with the Eagles backed up inside their own five-yard line, McNabb will miss Dawkins coming around the far side of the end zone, and he smashes Pukey into the ground for the career-capping moment.

That'd be a great Christmas present.

2nd Place (tie): Washington, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd Place (tie): Jacksonville, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place: Pittsburgh, -5.00 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench

And Pittsburgh won that game! Absolutely ridiculous.

** The Eagles allowed a 100-yard rusher on Sunday (Frank Gore, with 107) for the first time in 24 games. The last one? Frank Gore, with 101 yards in week 6 of last season.

** The Indianapolis Colts have won their last 23 consecutive regular season games … and lost their last two playoff games.

** On the season, Seattle punter Jon Ryan has more passing yards (1 completion, 42 yards) than Broncos backup QB Chris Simms (5 completions, 23 yards.) And Simms played total three quarters and started one game.

** Colts QB Peyton Manning is the top passer on the year (4,213 yards) but, thanks to kneel downs, he’s also the worst rusher in the league (-13 yards).

** On the season, WR Hank Baskett has as many catches (one) as QBs Donovan McNabb, Drew Brees and Brett Farve each have.

The Cowboys/Saints game last weekend was advertised by the NFL Network as “a Saturday edition of Thursday night football.”

Let me repeat that.

The Cowboys/Saints game last weekend was advertised by the NFL Network as “a Saturday edition of Thursday night football.”

It’s bad enough the network makes you sit through Matt Millen. They don’t need to try and redefine the days of the week too.

Last week, Cowboys K Nick Folk missed a short FG which could have clinched the Dallas/New Orleans game with 2 minutes left. In response, the management went out and signed Shaun Suisham, a kicker who missed an even shorter FG against the Saints while playing for the Maryland Racial Slurs two weeks earlier.

But it’s a move that makes sense, right? I mean, the change of venue is sure to help the guy out, right?

New Dallas Cowboys Kicker Shaun Suisham
-- Cue a win? BS. Achy no-skill dork a shame, wuss. --

Maybe not. Seriously, Suisham wasn’t good enough to play for the last-place Redskins. Why not sign someone off the Rams’ roster instead?

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Good races for second place and for second to last. But first and last? They’re getting boring. It’s sorta like the AFC South.

Maybe I’ll bench NewMike’s whole team at kickoff next week and set Neal’s roster for him, just to shake it up a little.

** Dad dropped one more, putting him 15 behind. On a more positive note, the season is almost over.

** It’s not too late to go online and vote for the Pro-Bowl roster … unless you’re reading this after Monday, in which case it is. Don’t worry; WR DeSean Jackson will make the squad, and he’s the only Eagle worthy of consideration.

** There’s a game on Christmas, so don’t forget to set your rosters. Why is there a game on Christmas? Because the NFL hates Christians.

** Seriously, I’m rooting for Denver on Sunday.

2009 fantasy recap, week #14

Phillies P Cliff Lee may be out of town just a few months after arriving (and just weeks after I got a T-shirt with his number), which might be the shortest stint ever for a Philadelphia athlete to arrive, become a hero and head out (just 17 starts, including the playoffs). Here’s a look at the other contenders in recent memory:

** RB Vai Sikahema – The goalpost punching kick-returner only played for the Eagles for two seasons (1992-1993) and only scored one TD as an Eagle (that aforementioned goal post boxing match). But he managed to parlay his part-time 32-game career into much longer sports broadcasting job.

** C Dikembe Mutombo – Mutombo only played a season and a half as a member of the 76ers (106 regular season games) but collected defensive player of the year honors (the only Sixer ever to do so) and helped Allen Iverson’s crew into the NBA finals over the last half of the 2001 season.

** C Peter Forsberg – Well past the prime of his career but still hailed as a game-changing player, Forseberg signed with the Flyers in 2005 and scored 115 pts in two seasons (but only 100 regular season games thanks to injuries).

** QB Mike Vick – Just kidding. No one has ever loved Vick, which is why he had to turn to a life of crime.

** P Pedro Martinez – This could be premature, since Martinez could technically resign with the Phils. But this past season Martinez actually had fewer starts than Lee (11 total) but enjoyed a career resurgence, much to the delight of the fans.

** QB Jeff Garcia – Probably the best comparison on the list to Lee. In two stints with the Eagles Garcia has only appeared in 11 games and started just eight. But Garcia won six of those starts, leading the Eagles on an improbable 2006 playoff run that included a victory over the Giants in the first round.

QB: Eli Manning, 31.44 pts – started by Joel
RB: Chris Johnson, 37.30 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Brandon Marshall, 46.33 pts – started by Bobert
TE: Dallas Clark, 26.37 pts – started by Ant
K: Rob Bironas, 19.00 pts – started by Paul
DEF: San Francisco, 28.00 pts – started by Jo
D: Brian Orakpo, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Incidentally, whenever the local announcers say that visiting teams are afraid of “running at Orakpo,” I assume they’re referring to some sort of intestinal disease caused by DC water. Good week by him, though.

3rd Place: Alvin Pearman, -1.00 pts – sitting on the waiver wire
2nd Place: St. Louis, -4.00 pts – sitting on the waiver wire
1st Place: Detroit, -4.00 pts – sitting on the waiver wire

Yeah, I know that technically it’s a tie, but the Lions get listed last this week because they lost to the Rams earlier this year (the Rams only win of the season). And that’s just terrible. The Rams are 6-39 over the last three seasons, which is even worse than the Lions 9-36 mark over that period. So that makes the Rams worse, which makes the Lions worse for losing to the Rams, who are worse. Got it?

Think you know the NFL? See if you can tell which of these QBs are still carrying the clipboard, and which have moved on to more respectable careers.

1. Jon KitnaActiveRetired
   
2. Trent DilferActiveRetired
   
3. Brian GrieseActiveRetired
   
4. Rex GrossmanActiveRetired
   
5. Patrick RamseyActiveRetired
   
6. Joey HarringtonActiveRetired
   
7. Troy SmithActiveRetired
   
8. Mark BrunellActiveRetired
   

Anything more than five right and you play waaaay too much fantasy football. I'm just saying...

Originally, I was going to make fun of CBS announcer Dan Dierdorf in this space -- On Sunday, during the Vikings/Bengals game, the Minnesota kicker booted the second-half kickoff out of bounds. Dierdorf was livid, yelling, “That’s just terrible! That’s the equivalent of a penalty!” He said these things as the refs threw a flag, and called an illegal kickoff penalty on the Vikings.

But I’m not going to.

Instead, I want to go back to this feature’s roots. On Monday I got to hear just a few minutes of the Joe Theismann radio show, and remembered that sometimes it’s not just about the stupidest single thing I heard this week. It’s the whole concept, the whole feeling of stupid that pervades the air when certain people talk.

Was it Theismann’s analysis that the Racial Slurs’ win over Oakland was proof that the Maryland team is still one of the most talented in the league? Was it his prediction that the Maryland team will win the NFC East in 2010? Was it his assertion that QB Jason Campbell’s 220-yard passing performance against the 28th-ranked pass defense in the league proves he’s an elite passer? Was it his belief that the Racial Slurs showed what a great defense they were by shutting down QB JaMarcus Russell, the 32nd-ranked QB in the league?

No, it was all of them. We are all dumber for having him on the air.

Sure, the Eagles are in first place now, but the NFC East race is still tightly contested. Dallas sits just one game behind with a regular-season finale against Philly, making the Cowboys a dangerous threat. Just look at how good the odds are that they’ll find a way to sneak into the postseason:

Dallas Cowboys playoff chances this year
-- Bad call: Achy losers’ iffy act sways. No hope. --

Or maybe not.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

A great week by Joanna vaults her into the top half of the standings for the first time since the start of the season, and drops ChampMike back into the lower tiers. The battle for second place has just three teams separated by 10 points. But NewMike has opened up a commanding 183 pts lead, meaning that all of us might be fighting for first loser.

** Dad won the week, picking up one in the standings (leaving him 14 behind for the year). But that one is critical, because now if he just averages five more wins a week than me for the rest of the season, he can escape with a slim season victory.

** Here’s the deal – A Giants loss to the Maryland Racial Slurs and an Eagles win over the 49ers clinches a playoff berth for them for sure. This would be exciting news, because the Eagles are going to be crushed by the Broncos the following week.

** In case you're too lazy to look it up (or you have a life…) here are the quiz answers: Kitna plays for Dallas, Grossman plays for Houston, Troy Smith plays for Baltimore and Brunell is the backup QB on the Saints. Griese, Harrington, Dilfer and Ramsey are out of the league.

** Ten teams have been eliminated from the playoffs, but the 5-8 Seattle Seahawks still have a way to make the postseason. I sat here for 20 minutes trying to figure out whether the 4-9 Oakland Raiders can still make it in, but I’ve determined they cannot. I know you’re surprised.

** By the way, I got to do this last weekend. And Monday was even more fun...