2012 fantasy recap -- week 6

Q: What's the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill? 

A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

When Mike Vick plays catch with his dog, do you think the neighbor's cat ends up with the Frisbee? (submitted by Joanner). 

Q: What's DeSean Jackson's celebration plans for after he wins the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox and go eat some dinner. 

When Andy Reid goes to the store, how long does it ... hold on, Reid just wasted another timeout in the middle of this joke. 

Q: Is this really the Eagles' team people picked for the playoffs? 

A: Yes, and they're a joke. Just not a funny one. 

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 51.22 pts -- started by Mike
WR: Jordy Nelson, 35.07 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Shonn Greene, 34.10 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Antonio Gates, 23.90 pts -- started by Paul
K: Jason Hanson, 16.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Denver, 31.00 pts -- on the wire
D: (tie) Tony Carter, 13.00 pts -- on the wire
D: (tie) Chris Harris, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Rodgers' ridiculous six touchdown passing performance was the best individual stat line this year and the most points by a fantasy player since ... hold on, let me check again ... since Green Bay QB Matt Flynn threw six TDs and scored 51.20 pts in the meaningless regular season finale last year. So, Green Bay is finally back to its lame-duck season finale form.

By the way, if you had just started the Denver defense and their #2 and #3 cornerbacks, you would have pulled down another 57 points. Everyone totally saw that coming.

"Players you've heard of" edition
3rd place: John Skelton, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: T.J. Yates, -1.08 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Indianapolis, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Sure, you heard of TJ Yates. He won a playoff game last year for the Texans. Yes, he was that third-string QB with a funny name. See? The joke works.

Ohio State moved to 6-0 this weekend, sit at #7 in the AP rankings, and appear to be the best team in the Big Ten this season. However, because of NCAA sanctions, the Buckeyes aren't eligible to play in any post-season bowl games, including the national championship game. If the team improbably ends up undefeated and shut out of the official rankings, how will they celebrate?

-- By declaring themselves national champions, then waiting to see how long Miami fans take to claim that their team really won the title.

-- By awarding themselves the "at least we're not Penn State" trophy and looking ahead to a bowl game  next year.

-- By moving to the SEC, where they gain instant blind respect from the pollsters and immunity from recruiting violations.

-- By awarding themselves the "USC national championship" title, since USC fans think they've won three in the last decade when they really won zero.

-- By laughing at Michigan.

Eagles coach Andy Reid, in a statement on Tuesday:

"I want to make it clear that I have nothing but the ultimate respect for Juan Castillo as a coach and as a person. He's one of the finest football coaches that I have ever worked with. I know he will continue to be a successful coach in this league and wish he and his family nothing but the best."

Internal Reid monologue: So that's why I fired him. He was just too good of a coach.

By the way, Castillo was a waste of a defensive coordinator, but I'm pretty sure he's not responsible for the 17 turnovers by the offense so far this year. But, whatever. Fire them all.

The Cowpokes added yet another rookie running back this week, desperately trying to fill their backfield and corrupt more young men. Lance Dunbar was the latest addition to the evil empire, it's no surprise that his name already says it all.

Cowboys RB Lance Dunbar
** Unbalanced boob, WRs cry. 

I know what you're saying. "That's just coincidence. That doesn't really show what kind of person he is." Well, let's change it up a little and look again:

Dallas RB Lance Dunbar
** A bland, barnacled slur

I know what you're still saying. "Aw, c'mon, Lance Dunbar seems nice." Well, let's anagram that then:

Aw, c'mon, Lance Dunbar seems nice
** Slow menace can increase dumb 

These letters don't lie, friends. The evil is so obvious it just pours out.

I got a request from an angry Eagles fan who will go unnamed (Anthony) to throw our own beloved QB, Mike Vick, into the anagram machine and see what it spits out. Honestly, it wasn't anything that appears that accurate or interesting. But, in the interest of fairness, here's what I saw:

Eagles' Michael Vick
** Sack me, I'll give. Ache.

Michael Dwayne Vick
** Him vile, dance wacky

Eagles' Mike Vick
** Evil -- I smack geek

Philadelphia's Mike Vick
** Hack, a devil like his pimp

Starting QB Mike Vick
** Fumble fumble sack INT fumble

Like I said, nothing interesting or accurate in there.

Week 6 standings

Bob and Sam continue to pull away from the field, and only 42 points separate fourth place from 10th. What does that mean? It means our league is as mediocre as the actual NFL. Fine work by everyone. 

** Another week, another victory for Dad. He picked up two more games on me and now sits 10 games ahead in the standings. Right now, he lead is so insurmountable I'm going to start calling him the Washington Natinals. How did those guys do in the playoffs anyways? Such a great story...

** I really did go back and look, and Rodgers's 51.22 pts looks like the best performance in the NFL since Mike Vick's ridiculous six-TD, 333 passing and 80 rushing, 57.37-point performance back in November 2010. I remember because he was on my bench. I'm still angry at him for that.

** I don't know if I really made it clear before, but I'm a huge fan of the new NFL overtime rules. My only complaint is the part where they're confusing and don't make it fair and really are pointless and aren't the college football rules. But besides that, they're the best option out there, except for all the other ones.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 5

Time to test your basic football knowledge again. Which of these names are NFL draft prospects for 2013, and which are villains from Ian Fleming's "James Bond" stories?

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

In case you don't believe me, the answers are here and here. There's no shame in scoring less than four on this quiz ... unless you thought Hugo Drax was a real person, and in that case may God have mercy on your soul.

QB: Drew Brees, 36.60 pts -- started by me
WR: Marques Colston, 35.73 pts -- started by Mike
RB: Ahmad Bradshaw, 29.93 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 27.20 pts -- started by Dad
K: Blair Walsh, 13.00 pts -- started by Ant
DEF: Chicago, 31.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: Lance Briggs, 12.50 pts -- started by Paul

Nice work, kids -- first time all year we've started all the top players.

In case you were wondering just how desperate the RB situation is in the league, the top 14 RBs on the fantasy chart this week and 16 of the top 17 RBs were all owned. If you've got three good one on your team, there's probably somebody out there willing to trade almost anything with you.

"Everybody sucks" players edition
3rd place: Matt Cassel, -0.42 pts -- on Paul's bench
2nd place: DeAngelo Williams, -0.90 pts -- started by Mike
1st place: Deonte Thompson, -0.96 pts -- on the wire

Mike managed to start the best and worst RBs of the week, which would be worthy of ridicule if he hadn't outscored nearly everyone in the league despite that fact.

How you stacked up against various QBs this weekend:

** Alex Smith, 49ers -- 156.2 rating
(18 for 24, 303 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INTs)
** Ryan Fitzpatrick, Bills -- 57.5 rating
(16 for 26, 126 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INTs)
** You -- 39.5 QB rating
(0 for 0, 0 yards, 0 TDs, 0 INTs)
** Alex Smith's grandmother -- 39.5 rating
(0 for 0, 0 yards, 0 TDs, 0 INTs)
** Matt Cassel, Chiefs -- 38.1 rating
(9 for 15, 92 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs)
** Blaine Gabbert, Jags -- 37.7 rating
(17 for 33, 142 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs)

You also had only 24 fewer rushing yards than Titans RB Chris Johnson, who sits at 210 yards on the year and is on pace for a mere 670 yards on the season. That's the same Chris Johnson who collected more than 2,500 yards rushing and receiving just three years ago. And now he stinks.

Eagles QB Mike Vick (known to his friends as Captain Giveaway) had two fumbles in Sunday's loss to the Steelers. When reporters asked him about the ball control issues after the game, Vick responded by saying "I’ve never had a problem before with fumbles. It was just one of those days.”

Just so we're all clear -- Vick has eight fumbles and five lost fumbles in five games. Four times in his career, he has recorded at least 10 fumbles in a season. He has 34 rushing TDs and 37 lost fumbles in his career. In 116 games played, he has 117 turnovers.

So, he's right -- Vick doesn't have a problem with turnovers. They're an integral part of his game. The define who he is as a football player. If it weren't for the turnovers, he'd just be another player who is ... what's the technical term? ... good.

Drew Brees threw a TD pass in his 48th straight game on Sunday night, setting a new NFL record. The last time he failed to toss one in the end zone for the Saints was back in October 2009, during a New Orleans 24-10 win over the Jets. Here's a little more perspective on how long ago that was:

** Eagles QB Donovan McNabb was worried about new backup Kevin Kolb taking his job.
** LeBron James had only ever played for the Cleveland Cavaliers.
** Saints RB Reggie Bush was still a Heisman trophy winner.
** QB Kurt Warner was still playing football.
** The Saints had never won a Super Bowl.


The Cowboys had to sign a new punter before last week's game against the Bears, because their old punter had the fires of hell burning out his eyes was injured in the previous contest. They brough on Brian Moorman, a 12-year veteran of the Buffalo Bills, to help out the team. But did they stop for a minute and consider why Moorman wasn't playing for the Bills anymore? The answer was right in his name:

New punter Brian Moorman
** Inept man. A numb error now. 

And how did that game go? The Cowboys got thrashed and QB Tony Romo threw five interceptions ... no doubt upset by Moorman's incompetence. Case closed.

Week 5 standings

Bob is back in first again, and starting to pull away from the field. Meanwhile, last year''s champ (Ant) is back in last place again, giving us all hope that the Giants will follow his lead.

** Dad picked up three more games on me this week, putting him eight ahead for the season and still on pace to crush me by 27 games. But at least I'm beating him in fantasy football. Wait, when did he get ahead of me there too? Ugh.

** If you haven't read the QB Facebook thread going around right now, stop reading this slop and follow that link ASAP.

** Everyone is all excited because the 49ers became the first team in NFL history to rush for 300 yards and pass for 300 in their big win Sunday. Big deal. I've done that plenty of times. Let me know when they record more than 800 yards of offense and score 114 points.

** There was a time when an Eagles loss like that would have infuriated me beyond belief. There was also a time when the Eagles fielded a credible QB and really tried to win games. Both those times have passed.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 4

** Brian Dawkins is the only man in NFL history to record more than 35 interceptions and more than 20 sacks in his career. Four other players have also recorded those stats, but none of them are men when compared to Brian Dawkins.

** Brian Dawkins middle name is Patrick. His other middle name is Pain.

** Brian Dawkins once collected a sack, an interception, a fumble recovery and a touchdown in the same game. Later that day, he saved seven orphans from a burning building and killed a bear with his bear hands. No, that's not a misspelling. He has the hands of a bear.

** After Brian Dawkins had his number retired on Sunday night, he wasn't allowed to play for the Eagles defense any longer. So he blocked two game-winning field goal attempts by the Giants at the end of regulation with his mind instead of his body. Everyone saw it.

** Brian Dawkins will be eligible for the NFL Hall of Fame in 2017. He will be unanimously elected to the hall in 2015. He humbly accepted the honor last week.

QB: Tom Brady, 38.00 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Brian Harline, 35.37 pts -- on Jim's bench
RB: Willis McGahee, 24.73 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Scott Chandler, 20.13 pts -- on the wire
K: Greg Zuerlein, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: San Francisco, 36.00 pts -- started by Sam
D: Lance Briggs, 13.50 pts -- on the wire.

For the record, the top five scoring kickers were all on the waiver wire. So, whoever you decided to start, there were at least five better choices you could have made. Shame on you.

Also, 46 of the top 54 defensive players were also on the waiver wire this week. So, whoever you decided to start ... just do better next week, m'kay?

"Everybody sucks" players edition
3rd place: Buffalo, -1.00 pts -- on Jeff's bench
2nd place: Graham Harrell, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Oakland, -4.00 pts -- on my bench

Special thanks to Cowboys QB Tony Romo and Chiefs QB Matt Cassel for their inept play this week -- Romo's five INTs and Cassel's three picks put them both ahead of Eagles QB Mike Vick in the turnover race. Both of them now have a whopping 10 giveaways in just four games, making Vick's nine turnovers so far look almost respectable.

** Your team has held a fourth-quarter lead in its last two games, plays into overtime but gets possession of the ball in both games ... and your team still loses. (That happened to the Miami Dolphins.)

** Your QB threw for 446 yards and set a new all-time NFL record for games with a TD pass ... and your team still loses. (That happened to the New Orleans Saints.)

** Your top wideout catches 17 passes for 317 yards and two TDs ... and your team still loses. (That happened to the Baylor Bears.)

** Your team piles up five turnovers and a missed extra point in the first half, but manages to keep it close until the final quarter ... and your team still loses. (That happened to the Kansas City Chiefs).

** Your team plays in Cleveland ... and always loses. (That happened to the Cleveland Browns.)

Actually, it was the stupidest thing I saw this week. And it was Eli Manning's sad face when the Giants missed that last-minute field goal.

Wait, did I say "stupidest" thing? I meant "the greatest thing I saw this week."

This season was the worst one Phillies fans have endured in the last decade.

Coming off five straight NL East titles, the team barely reached .500 this season. Ryan Howard played in fewer than 75 games. Chase Utley and Placido Polanco played in fewer than 95. Roy Halladay missed a month and played hurt the rest of the year. Cliff Lee had a historic run of bad luck. The bullpen featured 13 different pitchers with ERAs over 4.00.

It sucked.

But, let's not be greedy, irrational Boston fans. Five division titles in a row is pretty stinking special. They were overdue for a rash of injuries. And even with this season's misery, the team played .600 baseball after the All-Star break -- the only time most of the team was back healthy. If they played that well in the first half, they would have won 97 games. If they had just split their season series with the Braves 9-9 (instead of 6-12) Philly would still be in the wild card race ... during their worst season in a decade.

So, call it like it is. The Phils had a bad season. It sucks to see other teams win. That doesn't mean the Phillies' window has closed yet. And it doesn't take away that very shiny 2008 World Series trophy.


When the Cowboys signed LB Orie Lemon just after the draft, my first thought was "that's the worst football name since Lee Flowers." But my next thought was that he was probably a disturbed individual. And I was right:

** Cowboys Linebacker Orie Lemon
I be sicko clown, a reel moron. Bye!

A stretch, I know. But, c'mon -- dude's name is "Orie Lemon." It's like he already tried to anagram a better name for himself. He probably used to introduce himself as "Me Leon Rio" and just slowly shifted the letters around.

Week 4 standings

Finally, Bob's Tony Romo-led squad had an off week and we can all relax a little becau HOLY CRAP SAM IS IN FIRST PLACE.

Also, there isn't a Doyle in the top half of the standings at all, thanks to Heidi's drop from the top tier this week.
  ** Dad and I split this week's picks, leaving him still five games up. For the season, Dad is 40-23 picking games. For the season, Mike Ditka is 34-29. Clearly, Dad has a better football mind than Mike Ditka.

** I'm at peace with the Phillies season. Really. But the Natinals averaged 14,000 fewer fans at their home games this year than the Phils, and drew 100,000 fewer fans on the season than the apathetic Atlanta Braves crowd. So stop trying to sell me the "DC fans deserve to see a good team" nonsense. When you can only fill 85 percent of the stadium when your team clinches the NL East title for the first time ever (Montreal records don't count), you don't deserve the post-season.

** Thursday Night Football this week features the Arizona Cardinals vs the St. Louis Rams. Why? Because the NFL hates you, that's why.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 3

Why the replacement refs are the best thing ever to happen to the NFL:

1 -- When the "real" referees come back, there will be zero tolerance for the kind of idiotic calls and lengthy play stoppages we're seeing now. Every time one happens, the entire country will shout out "I thought we got rid of the incompetent ones." It will shame the regular refs into doing their job better than ever before.

2 -- The replacement refs did what the NFL could never do: Make a dreadfully dull 14-12 Monday Night Football game into something worth talking about for weeks.

3 -- The NFL is a $9 billion industry and they're fighting with the refs union over $5 million in compensation. This proves once and for all just how greedy the teams owners are. That's like paying for a $100 dinner and refusing to tip your server a nickle.

4 -- The botched call in Seattle's win screwed over Packers fans, the fourth-most insufferable fan base in the NFL (behind the Cowboys, Giants and Steelers fans, in order).

5 -- ESPN was coming dangerously close to devoting some of its airtime to covering the impending baseball playoffs, but the manufactured horror over the replacement refs' blown calls ended that quickly. There is a good chance that Chris Berman's head will actually explode after the next blown call.

6 -- The poor officiating has led to longer games, which in turn means football is on TV for longer. That's always a good thing, right?

7 -- I don't care what your opinion on labor negotiations is. Watching grown men forget how to add penalty yards together while 300 pound linemen fume is always hilarious.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 40.16 pts -- started by Joel
WR: AJ Green, 28.30 pts -- started by Jim
RB: Jamaal Charles, 38.97 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Heath Miller, 24.00 pts -- started by Sam
K: Ryan Succop, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 27.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Justin Houston, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Everyone of the top performers this week came from the AFC, except for the Arizona defense. You can blame that on Mike Vick too.

"Skill" players edition
3rd place: Joe Adams, -1.90 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jordan Shipley, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
1st place: LaRod Stephens-Howling, -1.16 pts -- on the wire

And speaking of failures, congratulations to the Saints and the Browns, who have already been eliminated from playoff contention. Since 1990, only three of 107 teams to start the season with three straight losses have made the postseason. On the plus side, fans from both cities can start looking ahead to NBA season and their championship-caliber basketball teams.

** The Eagles are on pace for 64 turnovers this season (12 so far). The record for the most turnovers by a team in a season is 63, by the 1978 San Francisco 49ers.

** The Eagles are on pace for a -32 turnover differential this season (-6 so far). The record for the worst differential is -30, by the 1965 Pittsburgh Steelers.

** The Eagles are on pace for 32 lost fumbles this season (6 so far). The record for the most fumbles lost is 36, by the 1959 Chicago Cardinals.

** Eagles QB Mike Vick is on pace for 48 turnovers this season (6 INTs, 3 fumbles lost). The record for individual turnovers in a season is 44, by Houston Oilers QB/K George Blanda in 1962.

For the record, the Eagles are 2-1 and have a -19 point differential. The Saints are 0-3 and have a -19 point differential. So, this could be much worse.

On Friday, the Washington Post ran the front-page headline: "Smile, Washington: After 79 years, you're in the playoffs." On Sunday, they wrote that Natinals pitcher Gio Gonzalez became the franchise's first 20-game winner since 1978.

Look, I love using my imagination as much as the next guy, but the local folks seem to think their long dreadful baseball past rivals that of real sports cities. The team has been in DC for seven years. That's it. You don't get to claim records before then, and you don't get to claim pain and suffering for years when there was no team. Everyone in DC was an Orioles fan before 2005 anyway.

If the DC fans down here (all seven of them) get to start complaining about a lack of wins when they didn't have anyone to root for, then Baltimore gets to whine about their lack of Stanley Cup and NBA championships.

Three NFL games went into overtime this weekend, and at least two others almost ended up going past the fourth quarter. As a public service to all of you who don't remember all the changes in the overtime rules (and for Donovan McNabb, who never knew the old ones), here's a quick review.

** Overtime is not sudden death anymore ... unless you score an offensive TD, a defensive TD, a special teams TD, or a safety. If you get one of those, the game ends immediately.

** You can't win overtime on a field goal on your first possession anymore ... unless the other team already missed a field goal, or they fumbled, or they threw an interception, or if they punted. Then you can win on your first possession. But it's not sudden death.

** If a team has a field goal blocked on its opening possession, but the ball doesn't go past the line of scrimmage, and the kicking team picks up the blocked ball and runs for a first down, then later kicks a field goal, the other team still gets a chance to score before the game is over. But if a team has a field goal blocked on its opening possession, and the ball does go past the line of scrimmage, but the blocking team touches it and the kicking team recovers the loose ball and runs for a first down, and then later kicks a field goal, then the blocking team doesn't get a chance and the game is over. Simple!

** There are no ties anymore -- games continue until a winner is decided. That means the last tie game in NFL history was in November 2008, when the Bengals played to a 13-13 draw against the Philadelphia ... ah, crap, McNabb still thinks they have another quarter to play in that game.

When I saw that Fullback Lawrence Vickers had signed with the Cowboys this offseason, I thought it was a perfect fit. because I knew this guy was evil. And it's not just my superior insight. Everyone has known for a while this guys was evil. His opponents knew it. His teammates knew it. The coaches and refs knew it. Hell, even the replacement refs know it. Just look at what his name clearly spells out:

** Dallas Cowboys new FB Lawrence Blanchard Vickers
Scab clown refs cry "Knew he was evil -- a drab, banal clod"

For the love of Pete Phios, these replacement refs don't even know how to count to four downs. And despite their diminished mental faculties, those simpletons can see the blackness in the Cowboys' roster's soul. And yet the local authorities won't arrest them for crimes against humanity. This country has lost its moral center.

Week 3 standings

Bob Dammit, how is he still in first place? Again, no offense to our resident professor, but if a team quarterbacked by Tony Romo is in first place, the whole league is a sham. You might as well hire incompetent scab refs and just let them decide games however they want.
  ** Finally, I managed to pick a few games right against Dad. I went 3-2 against him this weekend, trimming his yearly lead down to 5. I would have done better if I didn't pick the Eagles to win in Arizona. I won't be putting that kind of faith in that team again anytime soon.

** Remember all those passing stats I posted last week? On Saturday, Old Dominion quarterback Taylor Heinicke threw for 730 yards and five TDs in his team's 64-61 win over New Hampshire. It's more impressive than the 736-yard performance I noted earlier, because that was a Division II game, and Heinicke plays in what sane people still call I-AA. He's averaging over 480 yards a game this season.

** Eagles lost this weekend. Phillies dropped games on Saturday and Sunday. Temple football lost. Penn football lost. Authorities believe they've found an 87-year-old Nazi war criminal hiding in Philadelphia. Not a good weekend for the city.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 2

EA Sports announced Sunday that more than 81.5 million “Madden 2013” games had been played online in the first two weeks of the NFL season, and the two most popular teams online have been the San Francisco 49ers and the Philadelphia Eagles. Here’s a look at the new tweaks the company has installed to make the gameplay more realistic for online Philly fans:

** All Eagles running plays are disabled for a random quarter.
** If WR DeSean Jackson goes over 100 yards, he immediately benches himself until his contract is renegotiated.
** At the 8:53 mark of every third quarter, the Eagles take an unexpected defensive timeout and then incorrectly challenge the next play.
** Every time RB LeSean McCoy gets tackled, QB Mike Vick somehow gets injured instead.
** Whenever the Eagles score, the in-game announcers complain that Philly fans once booed Santa Claus.
** No matter how badly gamers play, the Eagles somehow pull out a last-minute touchdown to save the win.

QB: Robert Griffin III, 32.44 pts -- started by Sam
WR: Danny Amendola, 30.25 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Reggie Bush, 33.87 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Dante Rosario, 25.70 pts -- on the wire
K: Stephen Gotkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: (tie) Green Bay, 21.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: (tie) Seattle, 21.00 pts -- sitting on my bench
D: Charles Godfrey, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Yes, even though Giants QB Eli Manning threw for 510 yards on Sunday, the rookie Maryland QB beat him out in fantasy stats by 0.24 pts. Of course, Eli got the win, and all Griffin got was to watch on the sidelines while his kicker missed what would have been a game-tying 62-yard field goal.

”Getting defensive” edition
3rd place: Chad Henne, -1.08 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Oakland, -5.00 pts -- started by me
1st place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

Congrats to KC, for posting the worst possible score for a defense just two weeks into the season. The Chiefs D recorded no sacks, no turnovers, no return TDs, and allowed 35 points. So far this year, they've allowed 75 points and been worth -11 pts on the fantasy charts.

Also, congrats to me for my sage fantasy decisions this week. I benched the Seattle defense (up there on the top performers chart) to start the Oakland defense (down there on the worst performers chart) and cost myself 26 pts in a single move. That's the difference between seventh and second place.

Now that the NHL lockout is official, it’s time to start making plans for your fall TV viewing if hockey doesn’t come back for months. Here are a few suggestions:

** Watch football.
** Watch football.
** Watch college football.
** Watch football (Who watches NHL before January?)
** Watch football.
** Watch the MLB playoffs (if the Phillies sneak in).
** Watch football.

Remember, no matter how desperate the situation is, do not watch any professional basketball.

Following Stanford’s shocking upset of the completely overrated USC Trojans, Fox commentator Erin Andrews said that “no one is going to be going to class tomorrow” at the Stanford campus.

And she was absolutely right … since the game was played on Saturday, and most colleges don’t generally hold class on Sundays.

Stats from this weekend that I can’t replicate in video games

** Florida State RB Chris Thompson rushed for 197 yards and two TDs -- on nine carries -- in his team’s 52-0 win on Saturday. That’s almost a 22 yard per carry average.
** Beaverton Aloha High School RB Thomas Tyner (of Oregon) made national headlines by rushing for 624 yards and 10 TDs in his team’s 84-63 victory this week. But it took him 38 carries to amass those stats. Lazy high school kids.
** TCU QB Casey Pachall passed for 335 yard and 2 TDs in his team's 20-6 win on Saturday. So far this year he's thrown five TDs and only six incompletions (33 of 39).
** The Saints have begun this season 0-2. I’m pretty sure no matter the difficulty level I put a video game on, I wouldn’t be able to start that poorly with a roster that loaded.

Every week I try to pick a different Cowboys player name for this anagram. But when Dallas drafted DE Tyrone Crawford earlier this year, I realized I could anagram his name alone every week.

** Tyrone Crawford **
Corny Afterword
Entry for coward
Torn, rowdy farce
Crony toward ref
No DE Craft. Worry

And those are just the ones that speak to what a failure his career will be. I left “frowny carrot DE” off the list because it didn’t make a lot of sense. That is, unless we find out he has a vitamin C deficiency on top of his other problems.

Week 2 standings

Rough week for ChampMike -- his became the first team not to break 100 pts this season, posting a remarkably low 62.34 thanks to miserable performances by Larry Fitzgerald, Ahmad Bradshaw and Greg Olsen (under 5 pts combined).

Meanwhile, the other half of the Doyle household jumped from fourth to first place. We're testing her for performance enhancing drugs again.

  ** We’re only two weeks into the season and I’m already six games down on my father in pur weekly picks. I haven’t won a single contest we’ve picked differently. At this point, I’m on pace to lose by 51 games. Ugh.

** In a pregame interview on CBS Sunday, Vick said “I’m not going to go out there and throw four picks every week. That’s crazy. I’d bench myself if I did that.” And he only threw two on Sunday. So … progress?

** If you think these recaps are terrible,  you should see the automated Yahoo recaps for head-to-head leagues. Pure hilarity.

** The Eagles are in first place in the NFC East for the first time since December 2010. Just FYI.