2012 fantasy recap -- week 6

Q: What's the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill? 

A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

When Mike Vick plays catch with his dog, do you think the neighbor's cat ends up with the Frisbee? (submitted by Joanner). 

Q: What's DeSean Jackson's celebration plans for after he wins the Super Bowl?

A: Turn off the XBox and go eat some dinner. 

When Andy Reid goes to the store, how long does it ... hold on, Reid just wasted another timeout in the middle of this joke. 

Q: Is this really the Eagles' team people picked for the playoffs? 

A: Yes, and they're a joke. Just not a funny one. 

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 51.22 pts -- started by Mike
WR: Jordy Nelson, 35.07 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Shonn Greene, 34.10 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Antonio Gates, 23.90 pts -- started by Paul
K: Jason Hanson, 16.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Denver, 31.00 pts -- on the wire
D: (tie) Tony Carter, 13.00 pts -- on the wire
D: (tie) Chris Harris, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Rodgers' ridiculous six touchdown passing performance was the best individual stat line this year and the most points by a fantasy player since ... hold on, let me check again ... since Green Bay QB Matt Flynn threw six TDs and scored 51.20 pts in the meaningless regular season finale last year. So, Green Bay is finally back to its lame-duck season finale form.

By the way, if you had just started the Denver defense and their #2 and #3 cornerbacks, you would have pulled down another 57 points. Everyone totally saw that coming.

"Players you've heard of" edition
3rd place: John Skelton, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: T.J. Yates, -1.08 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Indianapolis, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Sure, you heard of TJ Yates. He won a playoff game last year for the Texans. Yes, he was that third-string QB with a funny name. See? The joke works.

Ohio State moved to 6-0 this weekend, sit at #7 in the AP rankings, and appear to be the best team in the Big Ten this season. However, because of NCAA sanctions, the Buckeyes aren't eligible to play in any post-season bowl games, including the national championship game. If the team improbably ends up undefeated and shut out of the official rankings, how will they celebrate?

-- By declaring themselves national champions, then waiting to see how long Miami fans take to claim that their team really won the title.

-- By awarding themselves the "at least we're not Penn State" trophy and looking ahead to a bowl game  next year.

-- By moving to the SEC, where they gain instant blind respect from the pollsters and immunity from recruiting violations.

-- By awarding themselves the "USC national championship" title, since USC fans think they've won three in the last decade when they really won zero.

-- By laughing at Michigan.

Eagles coach Andy Reid, in a statement on Tuesday:

"I want to make it clear that I have nothing but the ultimate respect for Juan Castillo as a coach and as a person. He's one of the finest football coaches that I have ever worked with. I know he will continue to be a successful coach in this league and wish he and his family nothing but the best."

Internal Reid monologue: So that's why I fired him. He was just too good of a coach.

By the way, Castillo was a waste of a defensive coordinator, but I'm pretty sure he's not responsible for the 17 turnovers by the offense so far this year. But, whatever. Fire them all.

The Cowpokes added yet another rookie running back this week, desperately trying to fill their backfield and corrupt more young men. Lance Dunbar was the latest addition to the evil empire, it's no surprise that his name already says it all.

Cowboys RB Lance Dunbar
** Unbalanced boob, WRs cry. 

I know what you're saying. "That's just coincidence. That doesn't really show what kind of person he is." Well, let's change it up a little and look again:

Dallas RB Lance Dunbar
** A bland, barnacled slur

I know what you're still saying. "Aw, c'mon, Lance Dunbar seems nice." Well, let's anagram that then:

Aw, c'mon, Lance Dunbar seems nice
** Slow menace can increase dumb 

These letters don't lie, friends. The evil is so obvious it just pours out.

I got a request from an angry Eagles fan who will go unnamed (Anthony) to throw our own beloved QB, Mike Vick, into the anagram machine and see what it spits out. Honestly, it wasn't anything that appears that accurate or interesting. But, in the interest of fairness, here's what I saw:

Eagles' Michael Vick
** Sack me, I'll give. Ache.

Michael Dwayne Vick
** Him vile, dance wacky

Eagles' Mike Vick
** Evil -- I smack geek

Philadelphia's Mike Vick
** Hack, a devil like his pimp

Starting QB Mike Vick
** Fumble fumble sack INT fumble

Like I said, nothing interesting or accurate in there.

Week 6 standings

Bob and Sam continue to pull away from the field, and only 42 points separate fourth place from 10th. What does that mean? It means our league is as mediocre as the actual NFL. Fine work by everyone. 

** Another week, another victory for Dad. He picked up two more games on me and now sits 10 games ahead in the standings. Right now, he lead is so insurmountable I'm going to start calling him the Washington Natinals. How did those guys do in the playoffs anyways? Such a great story...

** I really did go back and look, and Rodgers's 51.22 pts looks like the best performance in the NFL since Mike Vick's ridiculous six-TD, 333 passing and 80 rushing, 57.37-point performance back in November 2010. I remember because he was on my bench. I'm still angry at him for that.

** I don't know if I really made it clear before, but I'm a huge fan of the new NFL overtime rules. My only complaint is the part where they're confusing and don't make it fair and really are pointless and aren't the college football rules. But besides that, they're the best option out there, except for all the other ones.