2012 fantasy recap -- week 1

ESPN announced Friday that they had extended the contract of commentator Chris Berman for several more years, keeping him with the network through 2018. Berman joined ESPN one month after the network launched in 1979, and during his 33-year tenure has nearly single-handedly destroyed everything enjoyable about the NFL.

He’s the channel’s main on-air personality for Monday morning NFL highlights, a job which consists of him grunting unintelligibly and trying to rhyme words with the names of players. On Friday’s he hosts ESPN’s two-minute drill, a seven-minute segment that last week included a tribute to Neil Armstrong but ran too long to offer any 2012 season predictions.

In recent years, Berman has also worked diligently to ruin the MLB home run derby, screeching “backbackback GONE” for every fly ball lofted into the outfield. During the off-season, he screams at orphans until they cry. On Monday night, Berman took his first turn announcing a live football contest, offering color commentary for the second ESPN night game. I didn’t actually watch his work, but I know when he took to the mike because the dogs in the neighborhood started howling.

Chris Berman is terrible, and his contract renewal should be all the proof you need that ESPN hates you and wants your brain to die.
    QB: Matt Ryan, 38.46 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Kevin Ogletree, 27.60 pts -- on the wire
RB: Kevin Smith, 25.13 pts -- on Jim’s bench
TE: Jimmy Graham, 17.96 pts -- started by Ant
K: Nate Kaeding, 18.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Cleveland, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Tracey Porter, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

We as a league only managed to start three of the top performers this week. Looks like some of you didn’t take the preseason that seriously.
     ”Getting defensive” edition
3rd place: Cincinnati, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Buffalo, -4.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
1st place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Combined, those three teams allowed 120 points and managed only one turnover on Sunday. The next worst player was Browns QB Brandon Weeden, who went head-to-head with Eagles QB Mike Vick in a “worst QB” contest. His 4 INTs and zero TDS beat out Vick’s 4 INTs and 2 TDs, but just barely.

** Last Wednesday night’s opening game drew an audience of nearly 20 million people for NBC, but the seven networks covering the Democratic National Convention drew an audience of almost 25 million for President Bill Clinton's speech. This proves once again that more people would rather watch an old man complain about tax policies than watch Eli Manning and Tony Romo play.

 ** The first televised football game hit the airwaves 73 years ago next month. The game featured the Philadelphia Eagles losing to the Brooklyn Dodgers, 24-13. Since then, the Eagles, the NFL’s defunct Dodgers team, and the Brooklyn-turned-LA Dodgers of the MLB have all won the same number of Super Bowls.

 ** The NFL RedZone channel is offering prizes for anyone who sees them displaying four games at once, takes a picture and tweets it out with the hashtag #QUADBOXSIGHTING. The prize is a $100 gift card, which will not cover the cost of treating your attention deficit disorder.
    The stupidest thing I heard this week was when ESPN announced Friday that they had extended the contract of commentator Chris Berman for several more years, keeping him with the network through 2018.

49ers Kicker David Akers -- who already holds the record for most points scored in a season (166), the most post-season field goals (19) and the most points in a single decade (1,169) -- booted a 63-yard three-pointer on Sunday afternoon to tie the record for the longest field goal in NFL history.

It’s a shame he was too washed up to play football anymore when the Eagles decided not to resign him two years ago.
    Every year I hope that a fresh season will bring new inner peace to the Cowboys organization, and that maybe the changing of the calendar can transform their past transgressions.

And every year I’m rudely slapped awake by their evil, evil souls. I present to you their top draft pick for 2012:

** Dallas rookie cornerback Morris Claiborne
** I’m a sick loner, a CB error, a born killer. Sad coo. 

These things get easier to write every year.
    Week 1 standings

After one week, I think we can safely declare Bob the winner for the year and move on with our lives. That three-point lead just looks too insurmountable.

On the plus side, everyone broke 100 points this week, which is unusual. How unusual? I'm not really sure. Seems unusual, though.

** Eureka College QB Sam Durley (who plays in the NCAA’s Division III) threw for 736 yards in his team’s opening weekend win, but only 228 yards in his second-week loss this Saturday. I don’t have a joke here. I want to know how you can feel bittersweet when you pass for more than 950 yards in two games but only have a 1-1 record to show for it.

 ** We're one week into the season, and I'm already 0-2 in my other fantasy leagues and dropped four games to my father in the weekly picks. I'm like the Eagles, only without the last-minute win.

** There's a Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you too. NBC has the game, but I blame ESPN.

** The Phillies are playing .620 baseball since the All-Star break. Just saying...

2012 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

The teams are drafted and the season starts tomorrow night. But why wait four months to find out who will get fantasy bragging rights for the year? Here's my infallible early take on how the Awesome Cup standings will shake out by January.

12 -- The Bob-Dammits (Bobert)
Projected Points: 1788.93
Analysis: I don't really think Bob's team will be this bad, but I'm rooting for him to fail. No offense to our resident professor, but who can root for a team with Cowboys Tony Romo, DeMarco Murray and Miles Austin? Also, Bob's team name anagrams to "I stabbed Mom, h/t." I don't know what's worse: knifing mom, or asking for a hat tip afterwards. Either way, I'm not supporting him.

11 -- kickers rule (Sam)
Projected Points: 1864.55
Analysis: Sam's team consists of the only Maryland Racial Slurs player you've heard of (Robert Griffin III) and all of the Patriots whose names you don't remember (K Stephen Gotkowski, RB Stevan Ridley, WR Wes Welker.) He also has a Lardarius, a Leodis and an Alshon. $10 says Sam forgets his own team name within three weeks.

10 -- Baby's First Team (Heidi)
Projected Points: 1999.29
Analysis: I hope Heidi held onto some of the steroids she was using during her last suspension, because she's going to need them for her aging team. QB Phillip Rivers, WR Steve Smith, K Sebastian Janikowski, WR Randy Moss were all great four years ago, but 2012 may not be so kind. And RB Chris Johnson went from 24 years old at the start of last year to 37 by the end of 2011. Get the Red Bull ready.

9 -- Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected Points: 2001.03
Analysis: I never like drafting a wideout in the first round, so I'm guessing Joel's strategy of grabbing Madden cover athlete WR Calvin Johnson is going to backfire. On the plus side, he did grab QB Eli Manning late, which makes his team ripe for dopey jokes throughout the season. How many Eli's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: None, because screw Eli and his dopey face.

8 -- Romney's tax returns (Jim)
Projected Points: 2079.56
Analysis: Jim's team wins the preseason award for most spleen injuries (solely thanks to TE Jason Witten) but not much else. QB Cam Newton and WR AJ Green are too young, RB's Michael Turner and Jonathan Stewart are too old, and somehow Jim drafted Kevin Smith the filmmaker instead of Kevin Smith the running back. It's gonna be a long year.

7 -- I heart WRs (Paul)
Projected Points: 2106.41
Analysis: Only six wideouts, Paul? How much do you really love them? True, RB Ray Rice and TE Antonio Gates each had 60-plus catches last year, which also could put them in the WR category, but I expected more outside speed from this team. On the plus side, after finishing last in 2011, Paul  received Andrew Luck in this year's draft. Sam, who finished second to last, grabbed RG3. I did not rig that, I swear. I wish I had thought of it, though. I could have structured several jokes around that.

6 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected Points: 2146.77
Analysis: Dad might have the highest scoring team in the league in October. Sadly, few on his team will be ready to play on opening day. RB Ryan Matthews, RB Maurice Jones-Drew, WR Kenny Britt, and RB Issac Redman all are expected to miss time early. When QB Peyton Manning is the healthiest big name on your team, that's a red flag.

5 -- Fool for Foles (Joanner)
Projected Points: 2147.77
Analysis: As punishment for her team name, the football gods put QB Mike Vick front and center on Joanna's team. I think it's great, because it finally gives her a reason to root for that loser. But she's so upset that not even scoring K David Akers can console her. Vick can be yours in a trade for a mediocre WR and a good Eli Manning joke (but she'll settle for a dated Brett Farve joke).

4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected Points: 2200.08
Analysis: Jeff gets this spot based on RB LeSean McCoy alone, who proved last year he can make a dud of a team into an almost-contender. In 2011, his roster combined had 46 rushing TDs and 32 receiving TDs, the most of any team (note: I didn't actually check to see if that was the most). You can't deny that kind of statistical momentum.

3 -- T-Old and T-Over (Capt. Awesome)
Projected Points: 2321.21
Analysis: I grabbed Fred Jackson in the third round, DeSean Jackson in the fourth and Vincent Jackson in the sixth. Sadly, my plans to create a new Jackson Five were dashed when I missed out on Stephen Jackson  and Tavarias Jackson. I might as well change my change my name to Jermaine and Jermasjesty.

2 -- Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
Projected Points: 2486.41
Analysis: I undervalued Anthony last year, so to make up for it I'm overvaluing his team this year. Sure, he has QB Tom Brady, WR Mike Wallace and RB Darren Sproles, but the real key to his team is backup RB Jacquizz Rodgers. The T-shirt possibilities are endless. "Jacquizz Nation." "Getting Jacquizzy with it." "You just got Jacquizzed." It already sounds like victory to me.

1 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike)
Projected Points: 2501.33
Analysis: ChampMike once again shows how it's done, grabbing the best name in the league and the best draft of the group. He's got the top QB (Aaron Rodgers), three solid RBs, two good TEs and enough wideouts to make even Andy Reid happy. Could we have a three-time Awesome Cup champion? Sure, anything can happen. Hell, Eli has two Super Bowl rings. Hell must have frozen over years ago without any of us noticing.

Thanks for playing, kids. Games start tomorrow night, so get those rosters in order.

2012 fantasy football -- draft order

Welcome to Fantasy Football 2012, and the fight to claim the 11th annual Awesome Cup championship. It has been a busy offseason -- The Saints got busted for illegal player bounties, Peyton Manning moved from one horse team to another, Heidi finally passed a drug test and got reinstated by the league. But it's time to put all that behind us and concentrate on what's important: judging total strangers' worth by random point totals assigned to their statistics.

This year, we've got celebrity guests helping finalize the draft order (per our long-standing draft order rules), so onto the sacred Eagles skull cap we go to pull out the first name ...

#12 -- Heidi
Fresh off her drug suspension from last year (and the second of her career), Heidi picks from the back. Alex Rodriguez, here to represent both Heidi's sports success and her controversial, tainted athletic career, shrugs his shoulders and promptly injures them.

#11 -- Ant
Last year's Awesome Cup champion pulls the second worst draft position this year. His proxy, LaDanian Tomlinson, predicts that Anthony will use the pick to draft him, even though Tomlinson retired earlier this year.

#10 -- Joanner
Taking the DeSean Jackson draft spot (get it? #10) is Joanner, represented at the draft by that Olympic gymnast who made the funny face on the podium. You know, the one all over the internet? Pretty sure her name is Mary Lou Retton. In response, she tumbles gracefully out of the room.

#9 -- Dad
Tough break for Dad, who ends up with a low draft slot despite his poor showing last year. Luckily, he can draw inspiration from his draft proxy, Dan Marino, the greatest quarterback of all-time. Marino rushes over to celebrate the news, but stops suddenly since he never rushed anywhere in his career.

#8 -- Capt. Awesome
To inspire my yet to be drafted team, I called in Hall of Fame safety Brian Dawkins to be my draft representative. Upon drawing the #8 pick, Dawk slams his hands to the ground, screams, then levels Alex Rodriguez with a vicious tackle. Everyone applauds.

#7 -- Champ Mike
Mike always drafts from the middle, so it's no surprise his stand-in is former Sixers center/power forward Elton Brand. Once someone points out that he hasn't actually retired, and now plays for the Dallas Mavericks, he politely excuses himself and flees.

#6 -- Sam
Sam slides down in the draft order three spots, picking in the middle despite finishing at the bottom last season. But that's OK -- it gives him and his draft proxy, former Steelers coach Bill Cower, something else to whine about. Cower also objects to being called for intentional grounding, then cries, then leaves.

#5 -- Joel
Joel hasn't had a lot of luck in the regular season, but he scores a coup by getting Brutus Buckeye to travel across state lines to help out with his pre-draft work. Upon being told that he's not really an athlete, Brutus slams his hands to the ground, screams, then levels Alex Rodriguez with a vicious tackle. Everyone applauds.

#4 -- Jim
Nice break for Jim in the draft order. You'd think his team would be happy, but instead Jim's representative injured RB Rashad Mendenhall launches into a rant about how the whole fantasy league is a conspiracy, how Sept. 11 was an inside job, and how President Romney will fix everything. Bad attitude for that team.

#3 -- Jeff
The Ohio portion of our program concludes with Jeff snagging the Mike Kafka spot (Get it? #3. Get it?) in the picks. Jerry Rice stopped by to stand in for Jeff, but he stormed out of the room before the pick came, complaining that no one was throwing him the ball anymore.

#2 -- Paul
So close, and yet so far for Paul, who will end up with Eagles RB Shady McCoy with his first pick and the season-long curse of having to watch the Eagles. His proxy, Carlos Ruiz, not the Phillie but the former Philadelphia Union player, appears confused as to this whole "American football" concept and gives only a half-hearted celebration.

#1 -- Bobert
It's a great year for Bob -- first he gets engaged, then a Dr. Who movie is rumored to film, then other stuff, and now this triumph. Bob's proxy, noted golfer Bob Barker, celebrates by taunting the crowd and punching me in the face. I hate that Bob Barker.

That's it, kids. The draft will take place sometime on Saturday, so get your pre-draft rankings finalized by then (and update your team names, for the love of Pete Phios. There are a lot of stale names on there). Good luck to everyone except Anthony.

Worst Eagles-themed fantasy football team names for 2012

** Obama/Babin 2012
** Call me Shady
** Foles' Errand
** Iron Mike Vick
** Schmitt Happened
** Kafka's Metamorphosis
** Asomugha and Atogwe
** My DE Vinny
** Philadelphia Eagles, 2012 Super Bowl Champions

Work in progress

Fantasy football season is looming soon...

Worst items in the 2012 Eagles catalog

1 -- New Era Zubaz cap, $24.99

Guaranteed to cause you seizures even before the Eagles make a stupid third-and-short call.

2 -- Draft Me Women's Jersey Top, $59.99

Funny, I don't remember the draft picks having to wear pink jerseys.

3 -- Snuggle Bear, $16.99

Really? It can't just be an eagle? It has to be a bear with an eagle embroidered on it?

4 -- Nike Tri Blend Tank Top, $29.99

What better gift is there than a shirt that says "The Eagles logo barfed all over me"

5 -- Yoga Mat, $24.99

It's the wrong color, has flowers on it, and has nothing to do with a football activity. But if you ignore that, it embodies everything the Eagles stand for.

Former Phils you'd still root for

For video game purposes, here's the ideal roster of the Philadelphia FormerPhillies, based on active players at the start of the season:

1B -- Jim Thome (Orioles)
2B -- Wilson Valdez (Reds)
SS -- Juan Castro (Dodgers)
3B -- Greg Dobbs (Marlins)
OF -- Jason Werth (Nationals)
OF -- Shane Victorino (Dodgers)
OF -- Raul Ibanez (Yankees)
C -- Rod Barajas (Pirates)

SP -- Brett Myers (White Sox)
SP -- J.A. Happ (Blue Jays)
SP -- Roy Oswalt (Cardinals)
SP -- Randy Wolf (Brewers)
SP -- Jamie Moyer (Rockies)

RP -- Brad Lidge (Nationals)

I'll let you fill out the rest of the bullpen yourself.

10 sports that should be in the Olympics

** 100m Platform Diving
** Full-contact Backgammon
** Synchronized Archery
** Alligator Wrestling
** Marco Polo
** Post-Modern Pentathlon
** 1m Sprint
** Keg Toss
** Mental gymnastics
** Baseball

Phillies tenure chart

With an eye toward the trade deadline, here's a look at how long Phillies on the current roster have been with the team (click to enlarge):

It wasn't that long ago, but only eight players remain on the roster from the 2008 World Series Champions team. And two of those are on the trade block right now. And one of them is Joe Blanton, against all odds.

Phillies midseason grades

An objective look at the first half performance for the team.

1st Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
2nd Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
3rd Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Shortstop ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Catcher ~ Grade: A
Analysis: Holy crap, Ruiz is amazing.
Outfield ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Starting pitching ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Relief pitching ~ Grade: Double F
Analysis: 14 STINKING GAMES OUT OF FIRST
Bench  ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Coaching  ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Quarterbacks ~ Grade: F
Analysis: I'm sure this is Vick's fault somehow

Final analysis ~ Grade: D minus minus
If it weren't for Ruiz, we'd have to trade in the "Ph" on your uniforms for an "F"

Phillies All-Star credentials

Current Phillies who have made the All Star team (year in parentheses, click to enlarge):

That's 35 All-Star selections on the Phils' roster right now. Incidentally, that's one fewer than the number of wins they have through the first half of this season (36-45). 

A tribute to Charlie Manuel

Last Saturday, Charlie Manuel recorded his 900th win as a major league manager, putting him on pace to hit the coveted 1,000-win mark sometime next summer (hopefully). Here’s a look at how his managerial career stacks up in Phillies history:

-- 681 wins (most in team history)
-- Seven straight winning seasons (2nd in team history)
-- 102 wins in 2011 (most in team history)
-- Five playoff appearances (most in team history)
-- 27 post-season wins (most in team history)
-- Twice 2nd-place manager of the year (most in team history)
-- Two NL pennants (2nd in team history)
-- 1 World Series title (Tied -- most in team history)
-- 1 year having to put up with Chad Qualls (most in team history)

This season sucks so far, but it's worth a moment to thank Charlie for the great work over the last seven seasons. Best manager in team history, without question.

Now do something about Qualls already.

June so far for the Phils

The red line is the # of games above .500, the blue is the games out of first.



Ouch.

Why I’m rooting for Miami tonight

I know, I know, even typing those words out made me throw up in my mouth a little. And I know every other sports fan in America will attack me for taking this stance. But the fact is that rooting for Miami to win tonight isn’t just the right choice, it’s the only choice for a real sports fan. Consider the following:

1 -- They’re a team of fighters.

This Miami squad had to overcome serious injuries in recent weeks, but now appears to be at the top of their game. All the pundits had declared them dead, and now they’re being forced to eat their words.

2 -- They have better players

Yes, Miami got all the high-profile free agents, but there's a reason they paid for those guys. They're good. They deserve to be hailed as all-pros.

3 -- Their opponent is overrated and undeserving

Suddenly everyone in the media loves the other guys again, but I'm not buying it. Just because they're different doesn't mean they're actually the better team.

So that’s why I’ll be rooting wholeheartedly for the Miami to sweep the series when the Marlins take on the Boston Red Sox, starting tonight.

Oh, you thought I meant the Heat? Gawd no. I hope those asshats choke like dogs again this Finals.

Guess who's almost back?

Three for four with a homerun in his rehab start Monday.
I'm just saying.

Potential names for the new pet fish

Presented in descending order of likelihood:

-- Freddy Galfish

-- Finny Rollins (via Lee)

-- Donovan McCrab

-- Nemo Timonen (via G)

-- Jeremiah Trouter

-- Hector Luna aka The Big Tuna

-- Sole Hamels

-- Michael Schwimmer (via Beth G)

-- Jeremy Mackrel

-- Fish Pronger (via G)

-- Cliff Eel

-- Koi Detmer

Unhappy memories

The last time the Phillies entered June in last place of their division (a distinct possibility this year, based on their performance over the last few weeks ) was seven years ago, during the team’s first year under manger Charlie Manuel. Here’s a look at the changes in the squad since then:

Position		2012	2005
Catcher		Carlos Ruiz	Mike Liberthal
First Base		Ty Wiggington	Ryan Howard
Second Base		Freddy Galvis	Chase Utley
Shortstop		Jimmy Rollins	Jimmy Rollins
Third Base		Placido Polanco	David Bell
Right Field		Hunter Pence	Bobby Abreu
Center Field		Kenny Lofton	Shane Victorino
Left Field		Juan Pierre	Pat Burrell
#1 Pitcher		Roy Halladay	Brett Myers
#2 Pitcher		Cliff Lee	Jon Lieber
#3 Pitcher		Cole Hamels	Cory Lidle
#4 Pitcher		Vance Worley	Vincente Padilla
#5 Pitcher		Joe Blanton	Randy Wolf
Closer		Jonathan Papelbon	Billy Wagner
Bench bat		Jim Thome	Jim Thome

For the record, the Phillies have never finished under .500 (or lower than second place) during Manuel’s tenure as manager.

1, 2, 3-4-5, Sixers

With one more win in their playoff series against the Celtics, the Philadelphia 76ers will clinch the title of "closest Philly team to win a championship" for the 2011-2012 sports season. As you may remember, the Eagles missed the playoffs, the Phillies lost in the first round, and the Flyers lost in the second (four games to one). If the Sixers can manage at least two wins in the second round, they get top billing.

Here's a look back at how the teams have done over the pas two decades:

2010-2011: Phillies (lost in Conference Champs)
2009-2010: Phillies & Flyers (both lost in Finals, 4-2)
2008-2009: Phillies (won World Series)
2007-2008: Flyers (lost in Conference Champs)
2006-2007: Eagles (lost in playoffs second round)
2005-2006: Flyers (lost in playoffs first round)
2004-2005: Eagles (lost in Finals)
2003-2004: Eagles & Flyers (lost in Conference Champs)
2002-2003: Eagles (lost in Conference Champs)
2001-2002: Eagles (lost in Conference Champs)
2000-2001: Sixers (lost in Finals)
1999-2000: Flyers (lost in Conference Champs)
1998-1999: Sixers (lost in playoffs second round)
1997-1998: Flyers (lost in playoffs first round)
1996-1997: Flyers (lost in Finals)
1995-1996: Eagles & Flyers (lost in playoffs second round)
1994-1995: Flyers (lost in Conference Champs)
1993-1994: Phillies (lost in Finals)
1992-1993: Eagles (lost in playoffs second round)

For those of you scoring at home, the breakdown by team is:
Flyers -- 9
Eagles -- 7
Phillies -- 4
Sixers -- 2

Of course, the Phillies are the only team to actually win a championship over that stretch, so they automatically win the title of "best Philly sports franchise" until further notice.

Seen in Aruba

This is a picture of a jewelry display case at an expensive shop in Aruba's capital. Here are my questions:

1 -- How does an Eagles baseball cap help sell high-end jewelry?
2 -- Is it worrisome that they couldn't find an Eagles' helmet, only a cap?
3 -- Is it worrisome that they paired it with WVU and UNC helmets?
4 -- Is it possible that someone will buy a necklace and that hat, and wear them both walking out of the store?

In depth Eagles roster analysis

The Eagles added 22 new rookies this week – nine through the draft and 13 more as unrestricted free agents over the weekend. Here’s an evaluation of the best and the worst pick-ups, based solely on how funny their names are:

Worst

#5 -- FB Emil Igwenagu, UMass (free agent)

Even the phonetic spelling -- eh-MEAL-ig-wen-AH-goo – is hideous to look at.

#4 -- LS Matt Camilli, UTEP (free agent)

I actually thought his name ended in a quadruple L before I looked closer.

#3 -- WR Elvis Akpla, Montana State (free agent)

I’m feeling a little Akpla right now. Maybe Tylenol will help.

#2-- WR Aaron Pflugrad, Arizona State (free agent)

I don’t even have words for how ugly those letters are together.

#1 -- LB Mychal Kendricks, California (2^nd round pick)

If you can’t spell “Michael” right, how can we trust you to stop the run?

Best

#5 -- DE Vinny Curry, Marshall (2^nd round pick)

You can’t ask for better letter symmetry than that.

#4 -- P Ryan Tydlacka, Kentucky (free agent)

All punters should have funny names, for comic relief purposes

#3 -- TE Chase Ford, Miami (free agent)

NFL player or 1920s private eye -- Those are his only options.

#2 -- WR Marvin McNutt, Iowa (6^th round pick)

You can already hear the fans chanting “Mc-Nutt! Mc-Nutt!”

#1 -- DT Fletcher Cox, Miss St (1^st round pick)

The jokes all write themselves.

Player names too boring to be mentioned:
CB Brandon Boykin, Georgia (4th round pick)
QB Nick Foles, Arizona (3rd round pick)
OT Dennis Kelly, Purdue (5th round pick)
OG Brandon Washington, Miami (6th round pick)
RB Bryce Brown, Kansas St (7th Round pick)
WR Damaris Johnson, Tulsa (free agent)
RB Chris Polk, Washington (free agent)
FB Jeremy Stewart, Stanford (free agent)
FS Phillip Thomas, Syracuse (free agent)
CB Cliff Harris, Oregon (free agent)
WR McKay Jacobson, BYU (free agent)
WR Darnell Williams, Louisiana College (free agent)

A Hall of Fame case for Brian Dawkins

The whole premise of this blog post seems like a no-brainer, but since we've got five years to wait, let's start breaking down the arguments now.

First, from Pete Lieber of Yahoo Sports:

[Brian Dawkins] is the only safety in the history of the game with more than 500 tackles (Dawk has 1,131), greater than 30 interceptions (37), greater than 20 forced fumbles (37) and greater than 20 sacks (26). Those number speak to how Dawkins helped revolutionize the safety position. While he ranks second to Ed Reed with 120 passes defended, he also ranks second in sacks to only Rodney Harrison. Harrison defended 53 passes and sacked the quarterback 30.5 times. Dawkins got to the passer 26 times while still defending an incredible 120 passes.

Now, some additional stats of note:

Eagles seasons in the Super Bowl era, with Brian Dawkins: 13
Eagles seasons in the Super Bowl era, w/o Brian Dawkins: 31


Eagles all-time playoff record, with Dawkins: 10-8 
Eagles all time playoff record, w/o Dawkins: 5-11 


Eagles NFC championship appearances, with Dawkins: Five
Eagles NFC championship appearances, w/o Dawkins: One

And, finally, I submit to you the 1:35 mark of the video below:



I await any credible rebuttal.

Fun with numbers, Flyers edition

Putting the Flyers current offensive outburst into perspective:

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Flyers goals scored, last postseason: 29 (11 games)
** Phillies runs scored, this season: 33 (10 games)

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Danny Briere goals, regular season: 16 (70 games)
** Jaromir Jagr goals, regular season: 19 (73 games)

** Flyers hat tricks, this postseason: 2 (3 games)
** Flyers hat tricks, regular season: 2 (82 games)
** Hat tricks, all other playoff teams: 0 (18 games)

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Boston/DC playoff series, combined goals: 11 (3 games)
** Ottawa/NY playoff series, combined goals: 12 (3 games)
** Vancouver/LA playoff series, combined goals: 13 (3 games)
** St. Louis/San Jose series, combined goals: 15 (3 games)
** Nashville/Detroit series, combined goals: 15 (3 games)

More 2012 Phillies ads

Now that the season has started, the Phillies have released their new slate of print ads. Honestly, I didn't expect them to be so angry this early in the season.

Getting to know your fill-in Phillies

With opening day around the corner, there are a few new faces of note on the 2012 version of the Phillies. Here’s a quick introduction:

2B/SS Freddy Galvis
Bio: The highly-regarded 21-year-old has bounced between AA and AAA ball the last few years.
Role: Team officials insisted he was still a few years away from the majors … until Chase Utley and Michael Martinez went down with injuries. Now, apparently, he’s ready.
Suggested nickname: Fred X, Not Utley

1B/OF Ty Wigginton
Bio: This 10-year veteran has played for six other teams already, and also cranked out 150-plus home runs.
Role: He’ll be part of the rotating cast of characters at first until Ryan Howard’s projected return in … June? Let’s say June.
Suggested nickname: Getting wiggy with it, Ty Detmer

OF Juan Pierre
Bio: A 12-year veteran, Pierre looks like he’s 97 years old. He’s also a .296 hitter for his career, so he’ll have to work on strikeouts to fit with the Phillies
Role: He’ll be in the outfield platoon for the early part of the season, and may hit leadoff if Rollins gets moved down to the three spot because of injuries.
Suggested nickname: Juan, Pierre

1B/PH Jim Thome
Bio: No bio available. I’ve never heard of the guy before
Role: This year’s Matt Stairs. Also, he apparently played first base once. No other info on that.
Suggested nickname: No idea. Maybe just his last name? I think it rhymes with “foam.”

RP Jonathan Papelbon
Bio: Papelbon was the Red Sox closer for the last six years. He is a pompous ass.
Role: Papelbon will be the Phillies main closer and primary pompous ass.
Suggested nickname: Pompous-elbon, Dammit get an out already

SP Joe Blanton
Bio: Joe Blanton has been on the Phillies for the last four years. You just forgot because he was AWOL all last season.
Role: Blanton will be the team’s #5 starter until, as part of an annual hazing rite, they hand that role back to Kyle Kendrick
Suggested nickname: Innings Eater, Not Halladay

Why baseball is unfair

A quick recap of this week's news:

** Ryan Howard, age 32, is slowly coming back from a devastating leg injury that could hamper his career.

** Chase Utley, age 33, is facing degenerative knee problems and may never be the same player again.

** Joe Blanton, age 32, looks too old and worn down to last much longer in the big leagues.

** Jamie Moyer, age 49, looks stronger and healthier than he has in years and will likely be starting for the Rockies in a few more weeks.

The Phillies current depth chart

Eh, I'm sure it'll work out fine.

Field of 64 ... Philly style

It's that time again. March Madness provides us the perfect opportunity to look back at the year in Philadelphia sports and judge everyone accordingly. Presenting this year's real champion:

(Click the picture to view the full bracket, in case you haven't figured that out)

Touring Citizens Bank Park

Got a chance to get a behind-the-scenes tour of the Phillies stomping grounds this weekend, part of Dad's Christmas present. You can see all the very cool sights over at my Flickr page.

10 sensible fixes for the Slam Dunk contest

1 ~~ Electrified rims
2 ~~ Attire: Must wear tuxedos or mascot costumes
3 ~~ Winner gets three free travels for rest of the season
4 ~~ Platform shoes
5 ~~ All dunks performed to "Rock you like a hurricane"
6 ~~ Spanish soccer commentators only
7 ~~ Opponents get water pistols for distractions
8 ~~ Instead of NBA players, invite only NBA owners
9 ~~ Invisible plastic rim covers
10 ~~ Kids dunk free

Phillies 2012 Spring Training ads

Pitchers and catchers reported last week, meaning baseball is just around the corner (six weeks from now). The Phillies haven't unveiled all their print ads yet, but through my industry connections, I managed to get a sneak peek at how they're going after fans' attention this year. Take a look:

Sorting through old treasures

Recently, I pulled out an old crate of baseball cards looking for some missing sports memorabilia. In my search, I found a small box labeled "might be worth something." Just for kicks, here's a look at what 13-year-old me thought might be valuable someday:

~~ Topps 1988 SS Kevin Elster (Rookie, Mets)
Buy it now price = 11 cents
Clearly, this card (and other rookie commemorative set ones I found) suckered me in with the promise getting in on the ground floor of some first-year stars. He hung on for 13 years, but ended his career with a .223 batting average and fewer than 30 RBI a year.

~~ Topps 1988 P Jimmy Key (Blue Jays)
Buy it now price = 50 cents
I actually found two different Jimmy Key cards I put aside, for reasons I can't explain. Key actually had a decent career, with four All-Star appearances and two World Series rings. But, I'm still not sure who he is.

~~ Topps 1987 P Shane Rawley (Phillies)
Buy it now price = 60 cents (for 8 cards)
I can only assume that he made it into this pile because of his exemplary name and exemplary choice of teams. Rawley won 17 games in 1987, but finished his career with a middling 111-118 record.

~~ Topps 1990 Checklist #2
Buy it now price = $1.60
This is a piece of cardboard with a list of other cards on it, and somehow it's worth more than everything else I've looked up tonight. Clearly, there is something unusual about this card, but I have no idea what it is. Maybe I did have some clue what I was doing back then...

~~ Topps 1983 M Whitey Herzog (St. Louis)
Buy it now price = 75 cents
Seriously, maybe I was onto something. Herzog was one of the top managers of all time, but who collects baseball cards to get managers? Someone who's looking for a good return on investment, I guess.

~~ Topps 1984 OF Andy Van Slyke (St. Louis)
Buy it now price = $2.25
OMG, I'm gonna be rich. Rich! RIIICCH!!!!
(Seriously, that's a lot for a baseball card)

~~ Topps 1986 P Mark Eichhorn (Rookie, Blue Jays)
Buy it now price = 84 cents
Eh, we might be coming back to reality again. I've got about 20 of these rookie cards in here, but I've never heard of any of these guys. Eichhorn had fewer than 100 decisions in his baseball career, and baseball reference has him as the 520th best pitcher of all-time.

~~ Topps 1961 P John Buzhardt (Phillies)
Buy it now price = $3.00
I have no idea who this is and no idea where I got a baseball card from 1961. It's card #3 in that year's set. #2 is Roger Maris, worth $300. Maybe I need to search down into this box a little further...

~~ Topps 1990 SS Greg Gagne (Twins)
Buy it now price = 30 cents
I found one site that listed more than 30 different Topps baseball cards issued for Gagne over the course of his career. None are worth more than 60 cents. Not sure why I thought they would be.

So, nine random cards, likely purchased for under $5, totaling about $9.40 now. Not bad. This would have been funnier if they were worth a lot less. But now I'm going to have to actually check and see if the real ones I didn't scan in (A Jose Canseco rookie card, a Mike Schmidt retirement card, and four Barry Bonds rookie cards) can help fund an early retirement.

Super Bowl anagram

Eli Manning has won the Super Bowl's most valuable player award twice

** Evil brat wins. Ma, Pa bawl. God hates us. We are now in hell. Blast up. No mercy.

Pros and cons of this Sunday's Super Bowl

With two truly despicable teams in the Super Bowl this year, it's difficult to decide who to root for. Here's a quick list of the pros and cons of each team losing:

New York Giants win -- Cons
** QB Eli Manning gets his second Super Bowl win. Only 10 QBs have won more than one Super Bowl. Only three of them aren't in the Hall of Fame. Two of them are active (Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger). The only other non-Hall of Famer is Jim Plunkett.

** Coach Tom Coughlin gets his second Super Bowl win. Only 12 coaches have won more than one Super Bowl.

** New York get its 50th professional sports championship. That's the most of any U.S. city.

** On the eve of the new baseball season, New York fans become even more insufferable in their rivalry talk with Boston fans.

New York Giants win -- Pros
** The Patriots don't win the Super Bowl.

New England Patriots win -- Cons
** QB Tom Brady wins his fourth Super Bowl. Only two other men have won that many: Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana. Only one other QB has appeared in five Super Bowls in his career (John Elway).

** Coach Bill Belichick wins his four Super Bowl. Only one other coach has won that many in his career (Chuck Noll).

** Boston gets its 35th professional sports championship, and its 8th in the last decade.

** On the eve of the new baseball season, Boston fans become even more insufferable in their rivalry talk with New York fans.

New England Patriots win -- Pros
** The Giants don't win the Super Bowl.

Tough call. Is it too late to root for the 49ers again?

State of the (Philly sports) Union

[Remarks as prepared for delivery]

My fellow Philadelphia sports fans,

As I stand here before you tonight, I know many of you share my great concern with the days ahead. In less than two weeks, our nation will once again be forced to endure a Boston/New York championship match-up. Our own beloved city is still mired in a one-for-114-seasons title drought. The Phillies failed to achieve last year's high hopes, and the Eagles crushed our dreams of a playoff breakthrough as well. Our city has already braced itself for an amusing but ultimately fruitless hockey and basketball season.

But despite those trials, I am here tonight to assure you, my fellow Sons of Ben, that the state of our union is stronger than ever.

What many of you are calling reason for despair, I see as a sign of hope and greatness yet to come. Yes, the Phillies disappointed us last season. But their 102 wins was a high-water mark for a franchise whose history has redefined what failure in sports means. In just a few years the franchise has gone from a 10,000-time loser to a five-time division champion. And with LeRoy Halladay and Mr. Clifton Phifer Lee still on the team, there is no reason to believe that success is all in the past.

Your Sixers, while flawed, are showing signs of life not witnessed for more than a decade. Your Flyers, while flawed, may have just completed the quickest rebuilding period in major sports history. Both are still far from being championship caliber. Yet, isn't that exactly what we said in the summer on 2008, when another flawed bunch of local heroes scrapped their way into the postseason, then into the championship, and then into history? Who are we to say that these two teams are too far away from the promised land that we should ignore their growing list of achievements?

The Eagles remain a constant source of frustration and heartbreak, and appear further from the ultimate victory than any point in the last decade. But let me remind you that this disaster of a squad sat just one win away from taking the Giants spot in the playoffs this year, proof that even a small break could be the difference between a Tony-Romo-style disaster and the next Tom Brady. Indeed, I stand here tonight to tell you that I believe this team is only one piece away from reaching that lofty goal, and with just a small chance, we could see that glory soon.

(Of course, that one piece is a head coach who knows what a linebacker is, but I digress.)

Yes, there are still injustices in the world. As I speak to you tonight, Boston's football team is preparing for another Super Bowl, and their hockey team is just returning from a victory lap around the White House after last year's Stanley Cup. We sit dangerously close to serious conversations about whether Eli Manning is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. And, this early in the season, the Phillies look like they face serious threats from all sides in their own division, including the Miami Marlins, a team that didn't even exist last October yet somehow owns two World Series titles.

But we cannot let these setbacks tear us apart, as if we were fair-weather Cowboys or Yankees fans. We must believe. We must endure. We must continue to boo. Our very nature is to be pessimistic, but we must be wary not to let that realistic criticism turn to fatalism. We are not Cleveland -- We will reach the top again.

And when we do, we will greet it with the unbridled joy that can only be found on the honest ground of Broad Street, not the phony pavement of Broadway. When you see the Eagles pass on third-and-one, remember Pat Burrell's wave as he crossed over Oregon Avenue. When you see Brian Schneider weakly pop up to left field, remember Chase Utley infuriating the local censors with his unbridled excitement. When you see see a collapsing concussion check drop another Flyers forward, remember when we all sang High Hopes the loudest we ever had.

Thank you. God bless you, God bless America, and God Bless Billy Penn. And screw Eli Manning. Seriously, how does that dope keep winning?

[To be delivered by the Philadelphia Phanatic]

Congrats to Green Bay!

In another record-setting move on Sunday, Packers became the first team in NFL history with 15 or more wins to lose in their first playoff game. Prior to that, every team that scored that many regular season wins made it at least to the conference championship game.

Their loss also guarantees that, for the eighth year in a row, the NFL Super Bowl champion will not be the regular season champion. In the 14 years prior to that, it happened seven times.

College bowl games, by the numbers

After last night’s thrilling BCS national championship game (Alabama 21, LSU 0), here’s a quick look at the 2011 bowl season:

Teams in college bowl games this season: 70

Teams scoring 21 or more points: 47
Teams scoring 41 or more points: 10
Teams scoring zero points: 1 (LSU)

Games with 50 or more total points: 18
Games with 60 or more total points: 12
Games with 21 or more points in one quarter: 21
Games with 21 or fewer total points total: 1 (Alabama vs LSU)

Games with 10 or more TDs: 6
Games with only 1 TD: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
Games with 5 or more FG attempts: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)

Games decided by less than 8 points: 19
Games decided in overtime: 3
Games that were completely unwatchable: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)

So, again, thanks to the NCAA for that great SEC rematch as the final taste of college football for the year. It was slightly more exciting than the 9-6 OT win by LSU in the first meeting. But any of the other 34 bowl games would have been more enjoyable.

2011 fantasy recap, final standings

It's been a long, difficult fight, but our fantasy season is once again at an end. Before we award the 10th Awesome Cup championship (or Awesome Cup X, if you prefer), let's take a minute to ridicule the 11 other teams that fell short in the pursuit of greatness.

TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1883.67 pts, 12th place
WHAT HAPPENED? In a dramatic finish, Paul earns the bottom spot in the league by finishing a mere 0.56 pts behind Joel. That's the closest finish we've ever had, and it's especially harsh news for Paul, who had the #1 pick at the start of the season. In his defense, our resident soccer expert thought we were playing European football this year, which explains why he started Landon Donovan at RB the last six weeks.

TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1884.23 pts, 11th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Joel's final-week heroics allow him to escape the ignominy of finishing in last two years in a row. Instead, he just finishes in terrible shape two years in a row. Worse news still, he loses out on the Andrew Luck sweepstakes for next year. I think it'd be funny to rig the fantasy draft next year so that Paul has to take the Stanford QB. I might just do that.

TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2001.24 pts, 10th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nobody whined more about the league this year than our newbie, and his constant complaints and inattentive coaching earned him a disappointing bottom three finish. I just noticed this week that Sam drafted a defense three rounds before everyone else (round five) and a kicker five round before the crowd (round 4). That's the kind of rebellious, daring coaching that you see out of Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. What Sam forgot, though, is that Belichick only wins when his team cheats. Maybe try that next year.

TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2038.97 pts, 9th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Got that prediction right on. How did Bob grab the top fantasy player in the league (Packers QB Aaron Rodgers) and still manage to finish in the bottom half of the league? That's like having the top rusher in the league but still managing a losing record. But you didn't see RB Maurice Jones Drew and the Jacksonville Jaguars have that problem, did you? Oh, wait, you did? Nevermind.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2085.13 pts, 8th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Next time I'm tempted to pick Jeff to win the league, remind me of this year. Jeff ended the year with two stars on injured reserve (RB Rashard Mendenhall and QB Jay Cutler) and two members of the Maryland Racial Slurs in his starting lineup (it doesn't matter who, they were all dogs.) None of his wideouts broke the 1,000-yard mark, and only 8 of his final 18 players were on winning teams. Losing breeds losers. That Maryland team is proof.

TEAM: Jonathan's PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2107.15 pts, 7th place
WHAT HAPPENED? The amazing part of Dad's 7th place finish isn't how high he ended up -- he had been as low as 11th at one point -- but instead just how far back 7th place is. He finished more than 384 pts out of first. If we extended the season by three weeks just for everyone below 6th place, and they all kept pace with their weekly average, they still couldn't grab the top spot. That's like the Houston Astros last fall finishing 40 games (or a month and a half) out of first place.

TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2167.09 pts, 6th place
WHAT HAPPENED? I'm still not sure how Jim's team finished so low, so I'm gonna blame the election season. Our resident Steelers fan actually finished the year starting two Ravens (RB Ray Rice and the Baltimore defense), two Cowboys (WR Miles Austin and TE Jason Witten) and a former Bengal (now Oakland QB Carson Palmer). If that's not compromising your values for points/votes, I don't know what is. And, much like the Rick Perry campaign, it's just not going to work.

TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2178.11 pts, 5th place
WHAT HAPPENED? To be fair, I never really thought ChampMike would finish that poorly, but I wanted him to. Between RB Rashard Jennings and WR Vincent Jackson, I have about three years of fantasy football torment, and QB Tony Romo is unlikable for obvious reasons. Another note for next season: We're doing the entire fantasy draft without any Cowboys available. I could even come up with a great anagram for "Cowboy-less fantasy draft" ... but not right now, because I've still got four more team recaps to write.

TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2277.38 pts, 4th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nailed that prediction too. Joanna managed her squad to the highest-ever finish by a kicker-centered team (We all remember the "Nice Rackers" disaster fielded back in 2005). One could argue that David Akers was more valuable in both real life and fantasy life than Jo's QB, Tom Brady. One could also argue that Andy Reid is a terrific game-day coach. Neither would be true, but it's just fun to argue sometimes.

TEAM: The Wildcat's Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2361.28 pts, 3rd place
WHAT HAPPENED? If not for a spate of injuries, NewMike would be celebrating his second league title right now. WR Andre Johnson and RB Fred Jackson killed his chances down the stretch, even as the QB Matt Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson combo tore apart the league. But in retrospect, he never should have been that close. NewMike drafted QB Donovan McNabb with his final pick this year, and everyone knows that guy can't win anymore.

TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2436.67 pts, 2nd place
WHAT HAPPENED? I came thiiiiiiis close to claiming my third Awesome Cup title this season, which would have been an unprecedented triumph in the history of the league. I don't think you appreciate how difficult it is to perform at this high level of excellence when you set and oversee all the rules for a fantasy game like this. The fact that I finished this high despite having the twin albatrosses of QB Eli Manning and the Eagles defense speaks to both my superb coaching and the greatness of RB LeSean McCoy. And, of course, let's not forget the leadership that S Brian Dawkins brought to the table. You always need good leadership to bring a fantasy squad together.

TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2491.33 pts, 1st place
WHAT HAPPENED? Ladies and gentlemen, that cool breeze that just blew into town was actually hell freezing over. Anthony, who twice before has finished fourth and three times finished second, finally managed to finish on top this season. His victory is the result of a mix of lucky draft picks, savvy wire pick-ups and a groundbreaking strategy of "actually setting the lineup each week," something many teams fail to accomplish.

In fairness, Anthony did have an advantage this season -- He had two and a half co-managers helping him, with his daughter and expecting wife working in the wings. But, give credit where credit is due. Congrats, Dingus. Your name has been added to the list of greats:


Thanks again everyone for the chuckles this year. Remember to check back at this site through the playoffs and through the off-season for a few more laughs (only a few. I limit it to no more than three laughs a month during the down months) and we'll be back at it again next season.

2011 fantasy recap, week 17

NFL executives would prefer you remember this season as the year multiple passing and receiving records were broken, but what fans should remember is just how bad nearly every team played the last four months. Consider the following:

** The Patriots come-from-behind win on Sunday was the 11th time this season a team trailed by at least 17 points but found a way to win. According to the NFL stats department, that's a new record.

** The Broncos and Bengals, both AFC teams facing a win-and-in scenario on Sunday, opted to lose their way into the playoffs instead. The Broncos actually lost their last three games, but still got a playoff spot.

** Only one team who won their division in 2010 managed a repeat in 2011 (The Patriots).

** The 8-8 Philadelphia Eagles would have earned a playoff berth if they had managed just one more win over the course of the season. The Eagles led in the fourth quarter of five of those eight losses.

** Only 12 teams (out of 32) managed a winning record this season. The only team above .500 not to make the playoffs was the Titans, who lost out on the last wild card spot on tiebreakers.

QB: Matt Flynn, 51.20 pts -- on the wire
RB: Ray Rice, 33.63 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Jordy Nelson, 37.80 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.20 pts -- started by Ant
K: Dan Carpenter, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 24.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Curtis Lofton, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Matt Flynn. Congrats on winning a big free agent contract from the Maryland Racial Slurs with that 480-yard-six-TD performance. Whoever said the final week of the season doesn't matter? Oh, wait, that's right, everyone said that. Because it doesn't.

Top performers of the year
QB: Aaron Rodgers, 487.42 pts -- 1st QB drafted (Bobert)
RB: LeSean McCoy, 318.90 pts -- 8th RB drafted (me)
WR: Wes Welker, 275.84 pts -- 11th WR drafted (Sam)
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 260.69 pts -- 18th TE drafted (Ant)
K: David Akers, 176.00 pts -- 2nd kicker drafted (Jo)
DEF: San Fran, 216.00 pts -- 11th defense drafted (Jo)
D: Jared Allen, 85.00 pts -- undrafted (NewMike)

Props to Joanna for getting on this list twice, but Anthony found the real steals this year. Besides Gronkowski, he got the #4 QB (Cam Newton) off the waiver wire and grabbed Jordy Nelson -- who later turned into the league's sixth best WR -- as the 46th wideout taken in the draft.

Biggest bust of the year goes to Dad, who had the unfortunate luck to see his #1 pick (Jamaal Charles, fourth RB taken) go down in game two of the season and finish the 103rd ranked RB in the league.

Honorable mention goes to ChampMike, who started QB Tony Romo for most of the season, thereby forfeiting his soul for eternity.

Worst performers of the year
3rd place: Bills QB Tyler Thigpen, -0.20 pts
2nd place: Chargers QB Billy Volek, -0.50 pts
1st place: Eagles DB Curtis Marsh, -3.10 pts

Only five players managed to finish the year in negative territory. Four of them were QBs who saw just a few snaps and combined to total fewer than -1.00 pts. And then there was Curtis Marsh, whose only significant contribution to the world was two special team fumbles on consecutive weeks.

But I can't think of anyone more deserving to end up at the bottom of the pile at the end of this wretched football season than an Eagles defensive back. No team is spending more on their secondary this year than Philadelphia, and few teams saw less from their investment than the Eagles.

Here's a quick round-up of the New Year's resolutions members of the Eagles' team made this weekend:

** Mike Vick: Get injured fewer than six times next season.
** Asante Samuel: Double this year's work, make two tackles next year.
** Juan Castillo: Learn what a linebacker does.
** Nnamdi Asomugha: Double this year's work, block two passes next year
** Andy Reid: Find some more bad defensive backs to throw money at.
** LeSean McCoy: Stop trying so hard for really lousy teams.
** DeSean Jackson: Find another team to play for.

Sport Illustrated had a snotty little column today by Michael Farber calling the annual hockey Winter Classic a fraud because "This group of NHLers never played hockey outdoors" and the premise doesn't have any real connection to the sport. A few points on that:

1) Shut up.
2) Hockey fans don't love this game because it reminds them of when Jeremy Roenick was a kid playing hockey outside. They love it because it reminds them of themselves playing bad hockey outside.
3) Shut up.
4) Since when does there have to be a good reason for a fun new venue? One of the best college football games of the last 10 years was that ridiculous contest Northwestern had at Wrigley Field. Sports are allowed to be fun sometimes.
5) Heaven forbid the NHL stick with something popular. It'd be terrible if a loosely justified event like this drew in more fans.
6) Shut up.

ESPN developed a new stat this year -- Total Quarterback Rating -- designed to account for a QB's entire repertoire, and give fans a better perspective on signal callers' true effectiveness. So, what great revelations did the QBR give us?

** Top three QBs in the league were Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Tom Brady. They were also 1-2-3 in any other traditional QB measurement system.

** The bottom three started were Blaine Gabbert, Curtis Painter and Tim Tebow. Gabbert and Painter were the bottom two in traditional QB ratings, Tebow was sixth worst.

** 49ers QB Alex Smith was the ninth best QB in the league in passer efficiency, but the ESPN QBR rating has him ranked 22nd in the league. I guess it doesn't account for things like "winning."

** No matter how the stats are divided, Maryland QB Rex Grossman (25 turnovers in 13 starts) is just terrible.

We've poked a lot of fun at the Cowboys over the course of this year, but now that they've suffered a heartbreaking loss in their finale on Sunday night ... it's time to have even more fun. It's not a matter of meanness -- it's cosmically ordained fate. Just look at this anagram:

Dallas Cowboys stunned again, choke in their final season game
A rainy onion: We laugh at the fools' sadness and bask in comic glee.

If the universe is telling you to ridicule the Cowboys, who are you to disagree?

** Congrats to Dad for winning our weekly picks match-up yet again. He came into the weekend with a four-game lead and won handily after I posted an 0-for-5 performance on our different picks for the week. For the year, Dad finished with a 170-86 record picking games -- that's a 66% correct rate. For the record, that's better work than any of the so-called experts that ESPN uses every week.

** Illinois beat UCLA 20-14 on Saturday in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. The teams both came into the match-up at 6-6 and saw their head coaches (and other key coaching staff) fired in the weeks leading up to the game. I know the sponsors can't manage every aspects of these bowls, but you know what helps fight hunger the most? Having a job. So maybe sponsoring the all-unemployment bowl wasn't the best idea.

** Biggest mistake of the hockey game at Citizens Bank Park: No Phanatic. That's an unforgivable oversight. And I thought Lauren Hart was banned from singing at Citizens Bank Park after the clunker curse she put on the Phillies right before game five in October.

** Ha again! The Cowboys ended up in third place behind the Eagles after that loss on Sunday. It'll probably screw the Eagles come draft time, but it's funny anyways.

Final standings will be revealed tomorrow, in the season wrap-up column.