2011 fantasy recap, week 5

The NFL season began 33 days ago, and the Eagles have one win.

The NHL season began six days ago, and the Flyers have two wins.

Just saying.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 37.12 pts -- on Sam's bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 30.20 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 27.53 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Joel Dreessen, 19.47 -- on the wire
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 20.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Seattle, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Brandon Browner, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Everyone who had Seattle beating up the Giants this week, raise your hands. OK, you relentlessly optimistic Seahawks fans out there can put your hands down now.

The Eagles may have managed five turnovers as a team, but New Jersey QB Eli Manning had a fumble and three picks, including the game-clinching 94-yard INT return for a TD. It was the Seahawks first win against the Giants on the East Coast in 28 years. Back then, Eli was only two-year-old, but already had developed those vacant, soulless eyes.

"Across the board" edition
3rd place: Michael Robinson, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Arnaz Battle, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

And if you had Tampa Bay giving up 48 pts to the San Franciso 49ers this week, I'd like your guesses at the lottery numbers for the rest of the week.

Forget for a moment that the Phillies loss on Friday ruined the best regular season in team history -- was the game itself more or less painful to watch than the Eagles debacle on Sunday? Consider these lowlights:

Eagles: 1st Q, Mike Vick tosses two INTs
Phillies: Bottom 1st, Hunter Pence grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 2nd Q, Vick botches a FG chance with horrible clock work
Phillies: Bottom 3rd, Jimmy Rollins grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 3rd Q, Bills RB Fred Jackson opens the Q with a 22-yard run
Phillies: Bottom 5th, Roy Halladay grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, WR Jason Avant has his second turnover of the game
Phillies: Bottom 7th, Raul Ibanez grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, DE Juqua Parker jumps offsides, ending the game
Phillies: Bottom 9th, Ryan Howard grounds out to end the game, injures his leg

16 ground ball outs for the Phillies, and 23 positive rushes for the Bills. Either way, it was like water torture.

During Saturday's Virginia Tech/Miami game, the announcers were analyzing a long run by the Hokies' QB when I hear them say this:

"The 3rd string tight end with the spectacular name George George had a key block which opened up that whole play."

Look, I know I joked about naming my kid "Shane Shane" for a number of years, but I didn't actually follow through with it, because that'd be cruel. Think of all the grief you'd get on standardized tests. Think of the trouble at the DMV. What if the kid grows up and develops a stuttering problem?

No way this can be real, right? I assumed it must be a nickname or middle name or something, so I looked up his bio. Turns out the facts are even worse: Dude is George George III, meaning that no only did his father and grandfather live through this nightmare, but they felt the need to pass it on to the next generation.

At 1-4, the Eagles are one of the worst teams in the league (tied with Jacksonville, Carolina, Arizona, Minnesota and Denver), but they aren't the bottom of the barrel yet. Here's a look at the contenders for that title:

** St. Louis Rams (0-4)
WHY: Tough early sked plus injuries to RB Jackson equal zero wins
POINT DIFF: -67
HOPEFUL SIGN: Still only 3 games out of first in the weak NFC West
REALITY: Of their last 12 games, 8 are against potential playoff teams

** Miami Dolphins (0-4)
WHY: Lost starting QB Chad Henne, forgot to field a defense
POINT DIFF: -35
HOPEFUL SIGN: All of their games have been close, despite their record
REALITY: They still play in the AFC East. That's 6 losses for sure.

** Indianapolis Colts (0-5)
WHY: QB Peyton Manning's neck fell off
POINT DIFF: -49
HOPEFUL SIGN: Manning isn't dead, so he'll be back someday
REALITY: Manning doesn't play defense, so he only fixes half the issue

The Cowboys didn't play this week, but their hatred of all things good takes no vacation. Just look at what their break time spells out:

Dallas Cowboys annual bye week plans
Dopey weasels sock a baby, welp a nun, dally on

As if punching the baby wasn't enough evil.

Week 5 standings


Yeah, we're all getting sick of NewMike right now. On the plus side, my team is looking pretty good. I know that encourages all of you.

** Dropped two more to Dad, now I'm four back in the standings. Which means I'm even behind where the Eagles are in the standings. I don't care what the league says, I still don't believe the Lions are 5-0.

** I was going to make a Brett Farve birthday joke here, but I just don't think I have it in me.

** I'm fooling around with the comments on these posts, after finding out that blogger is having some problems allowing responses. So, for the none of you who've wanted to leave a comment, you should be able to do so now.

** Right now, it's better to be a Detroit sports fan than a Philadelphia sports fan. Just writing that made me throw up in my mouth a little.

2011 fantasy recap, week 4

The Phillies 11-6 win Saturday was significant not just because it started off their post-season in style but also because it broke up an otherwise dreadful weekend for anyone associated with Philadelphia sports. Consider:

-- The Eagles lost a 24-23 disaster to the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday.
-- The Phillies lost 5-4 Sunday night in a game where they led 4-0.
-- Temple was upset by Toledo, 36-13, on Saturday.
-- Villanova was upset by William and Mary, 20-16, on Saturday.
-- The Flyers lost their final pre-season game, 2-1 to the Devils, on Saturday.
-- Former Philadelphia QBs Donovan McNabb (Vikings), Kevin Kolb (Cardinals), and A.J. Feeley (Rams) all lost on Sunday as well.
-- The Philadelphia Union didn’t lose on Sunday, but they didn’t win either -- they had a 1-1 draw.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 53.92 pts -- started by Bob
RB: Matt Forte, 32.03 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Hakeem Nicks, 26.80 pts -- started by Bob
TE: Jimmie Graham, 24.80 pts -- started by Paul
K: Ryan Succop, 21.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 34.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: Chris Houston, 11.00 pts -- on the wire

Bob benefits from Rodgers' ridiculous week: 6 total TDs, 400-plus yards passing. That's the highest individual fantasy total since last year's 57.32 pts performance by Eagles QB Mike Vick, when he had 6 total TDs and over 400 yards of offense. Near as I can tell, that Vick game was the highest individual fantasy total game of the last 20 years (at least by our league's scoring). And, if you remember, I had Vick on my bench that week. But I'm not still bitter about it.

For the record, the Baltimore defense outscored the Baltimore offense 21-13 on Sunday night. Their three defensive TDs also were better than the point totals for 11 other teams on the weekend.

"Terrible QBs" edition
3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.82 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Matt Flynn, -2.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Mark Sanchez, -2.44 pts -- on my bench

Those three Baltimore defensive TDs? They came off of four Sanchez turnovers. The only reason he wasn't worth fewer points was because he got an extra half-point for a tackle after his third fumble of the night.

Speaking of substandard QB work, coach of the week honors go to Sam, who at the last moment on Sunday opted to start Pittsburgh's Ben Rothelisberger over Arizona's Kevin Kolb. The plan worked perfectly -- Corn Kolb was worth a mere 5.58 pts, while Big Ben scored a much more impressive 7.34 pts. Sam was so proud of that move, he asked me to specifically sing his praises in this week's recap. He currently sits almost 94 pts out of first place.

** Through four games, the Jacksonville Jaguars have scored three TDs. The Green Bay Packers have 19.

** The Pittsburgh Steelers are -10 in turnovers this year, but 2-2 in the standings. The Minnesota Vikings are even in turnovers and 0-4.

** Patriots QB Tom Brady (1,559 passing yards) is still on pace for over 6,200 passing yards this season.

** The Denver Broncos longest FG of the year so far is 34 yards. The Oakland Raiders longest FG is 63 yards.

It’s hard imagine that any part of that Eagles/49ers game could be dumber than the plays on the field (Stop handing the ball to RB Ronnie Brown inside the 10. Please), but Fox analyst Jim Mora Jr. was up to the task.

With the Eagles facing a third and one in the third, he remarked that the first-down line was actually much closer. And he astutely observed that the difference would also effect the play call:

“You might not realize this at home, but to coaches there’s a big difference between 6 inches and a yard.”

Now, to me there’s no recognizable difference between 36 inches and 6 inches, but I decided to test Mora’s hypothesis. I took a 6-inch pencil and a yardstick, laid them side by side, then stuck them both in my ear. The pencil jabbed me a little but fit in. The yardstick went pretty far in, and then everything went black, and then I couldn’t hear Mora speaking anymore. So I guess there was a difference.

For the record, the next comment Mora made was about how the 49ers didn’t have enough time to overcome a nine-point deficit, even though they had just scored 14 points in five minutes and the Eagles were only up six.

The NFL always has its finger on the pulse of its fans, so it comes as no surprise that their pick for the 2012 Super Bowl Halftime show is another cutting-edge artist they know and love: Madonna. For those of you unfamiliar with her work, here's a look at some of her career highlights and other notable football moments:

1983 -- Madonna scores her first #1 hit
1983 -- Steelers QB Terry Bradshaw retires

1986 -- Madonna releases "Papa don't preach"
1986 -- Texans RB Arian Foster is born

1989 -- Madonna's controverisal "Like a prayer" video debuts
1989 -- The Cowboys draft QB Troy Aikman

1992 -- Madonna releases her graphic "Sex" book
1992 -- Eagles WR Jeremy Maclin enters kindergarten.

1996 -- Madonna stars in the movie "Evita"
1996 -- The Cleveland Browns move to Baltimore

2001 -- Madonna pens the theme for the latest James Bond movie
2001 -- Cowboys QB Troy Aikman retires

2002 to present -- Patriots win 3 Super Bowls (and lose a 4th)
2002 to present -- Madonna does nothing of consequence

In case you didn't get the joke, she's old.

Sure, the Cowboys lost again on Sunday, but new WR Laurent Robinson had an impressive 8-catch, 116-yard debut for the team. The former Illinois State player could be a major part in righting the ship in the absence of several other WRs. But fans shouldn’t get their hopes up yet -- just look what his name spells out:

Dallas Cowboys wideout Laurent Robinson
Reliable corn dud touts no wins. Always boo.

I know Illinois State is kinda rural, but “corn dud” just seems unnecessary.

Week 4 standings

Nice work all around this week -- everyone scored over 100 pts. But what's Anthony doing up at the top?

** Dad and I split our picks this week, so he's still up two. And, for the record, I picked McNabb to win again this week, and I was wrong again this week.

** Delaware lost this weekend too, to the Maine Black Bears, but I didn't know if I could include them in the "Philadelphia losses" category. I mean, I think all of Delaware is just a Philadelphia suburb, but some folks take offense to that.

** As I was writing this, the Phils won game three by a 3-2 tally. So, forget all those negative things I said at the top. It's all good.

2011 fantasy recap, week 3

With the baseball post-season just a few days away, here’s how a few notable MLB personalities are getting ready:

-- Phillies manager Charlie Manuel: Trying to remember how many bases it takes to score one run.

-- Former Braves manager Bobby Cox: Giving Heimlich Maneuver lessons to the Braves staff, as the team’s resident playoff choking expert.

-- Yankees manager Joe Girardi: Pretending that another World Series title would actually mean something to the franchise.

-- Red Sox manager Terry Francona: Seeing if Bobby Cox is available for outside consultant work.

-- Diamondbacks manager Kirk Gibson: Putting up billboards around the country reminding folks that Arizona has a playoff team too.

-- Mets manager Jerry Manuel: Dusting off his golf clubs.

QB: Joe Flacco, 34.26 pts -- on ChampMike's bench
RB: Darren McFadden, 32.57 pts -- started by ChampMike
WR: Wes Welker, 44.37 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Jermichael Finley, 30.67 pts -- started by Dad
K: Dan Bailey, 21.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 21.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: (tie) Greg Hardy, 10.50 pts -- on the wire
D: (tie) Jared Allen, 10.50 pts -- on the wire

Just missing this list was Ravens rookie WR Torry Smith, whose first three catches in the NFL each went for a TD. He's the first rookie ever to haul in three TD passes in a quarter. And that sounds great, but you know that's just going to raise unrealistic expectations. You never want to be known as the guy who only catches touchdowns. Just ask Chris Carter.

In case you missed it, Baltimore police announced on Sunday that they had found and captured a local man impersonating Eagles QB Vince Young at charity events and conning women out of money.

And while the Baltimore cops should be applauded for that effort, it’s an embarrassment to the Philadelphia police department and Philadelphia Eagles fans, who still have not located the real Vince Young since the end of the preseason.

Seriously, though, special thanks to Vince for coining that whole “dream team” thing and then disappearing for a month. I’d accuse him of talking big and coming up small, but that would imply that he has showed up at all this season. And I seriously don’t know if he’s still even in this country.

”Everybody hurts” edition
3rd place: NY Jets, 0.00 pts -- started by Ant
2nd place: Cecil Shorts, -0.02 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Mike Kafka, -2.60 pts -- on the wire

Pity poor Kafka -- He threw only seven passes on Sunday, and tosses #1 and #7 were both back-breaking INTs. As ChampMike said, you’ve got to do better than that if you want to become the next Eagles backup QB to be traded for a second-round draft pick.

During the Sunday night game, Colts QB Kerry Collins suffered a concussion in the late third quarter. That forced backup backup QB Curtis Painter into the game. The commentators asked sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya if he was prepared for the task. Her response:

“When I spoke to him before the game, he said he felt pretty good, he felt pretty relaxed. He said he only had a couple of reps early in the week with the offense, but he said he took as many mental reps as he possibly could, both on the field … and in the meeting room.”

So he didn’t practice at all, but he thought reaaally hard about it. I can’t decide if that’s the dumbest thing I heard all week or the saddest thing I’ve heard all year.

Congrats to Giants QB Eli Manning, who had a career best day on Sunday in the New Jersey squad’s win over the Eagles. How surprising was the performance? Consider this:

** Eli tossed four TDs and no INTs on Sunday, only the second time in 114 regular and post-season starts that he’s thrown that many scores without a pick. Conversely, he’s had 14 games in his career with no TDs and at least one INT.

** In fact, Sunday’s no turnover game was only the fifth time in the last 26 games where he didn’t have a turnover. Over that same span, he’s had five games where he accounted for three or more turnovers.

** But wins is the only stat that really defines a QB, and that’s where Eli’s game Sunday really shines. It brought his record over the last 30 games to 15-15, putting him in the elite company of average QBs.

** On a more personal level, Eli’s fast start this season has finally given him the chance to be the best QB in his family for the season. His six TDs and 735 yards passing are well ahead of his brother Peyton’s pace, since he’s been out since day one of the season. Eli has never finished with better stats than his brother.

So good for Eli -- it couldn’t happen to a nicer man-child.

The question all week surrounding the Cowboys was whether QB Tony Romo would play Monday night (he did) and how team physicians could let him play with a serious rib and lung injury. It seems cold from afar, but if you examine the issue a little closer, you see how they could make that decision:

Cowboys’ Tony Romo’s cracked rib and busted lung
** Doctors mock dude’s ugly brain, corny downbeats **

If even the doctors -- the guys whose job it is to keep you healthy -- don’t care if you live or die, it’s a pretty good indication that you’re not well liked. Just saying.

Week 3 standings

The distance between second and eighth place is less than three TDs, but the distance between first and second is a doozy. NewMike posted another huge week and jumped way out front, but it's still early. Unless you're Bob, in which case it's already getting late in the game.


** I’m 30-18 with my picks on the year, which is pretty good, but still two games worse than Dad. Vikings QB Donovan McNabb is 0-3 on the year and I’m 1-2 picking his games so far. Good to know the guy can still cause me heartburn even when he’s across the country.

** What's weirder, that Tom Brady threw four INTs on Sunday or that the Lions are 3-0? Neither. The weirdest thing in the NFL this year is that Brett Farve hasn't unretired yet. But the Colts need a new QB, so give it time.

** The Phillies just won 100 games for only the third time in their history. I feel like I should have had an item on that.

** Hey, does anyone have those Mets "choking hazard" signs from a few years back? We might need to update them with a Braves or Red Sox logo. And it can't hurt to have them around just in case the Eagles keep playing like this.

2011 fantasy recap, week 2

Next Sunday, barring a head transplant for Eagles QB Mike Vick, the Giants and Eagles will square off in Philadelphia in a battle of signal-caller greatness: Eli Manning vs. Mike Kafka. Here’s the tale of the tape:

Kafka: Funny name
Manning: Funny face

Manning: 115 INTs in 107 career games
Kafka: Zero INTs in 1 career games

Kafka: Best QB in Northwestern history
Manning: Third best QB in his family

Manning: Won the 2008 Super Bowl
Kafka: Lost the 2010 Outback Bowl

Kafka: Has a soul
Manning: Has a six-year, $97.5 million contract

Seems like a toss-up to me.

QB: Tom Brady, 35.22 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Darren McFadden, 28.93 pts -- started by ChampMike
WR: Jeremy Maclin, 36.50 pts -- sitting on my bench
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 25.03 pts -- started by Jeff
K: Rob Bironas, 15.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: NY Jets, 26.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Morgan Burnett, 10.50 pts -- on the wire

How good has Brady been this year? Through two games, the Patriots QB has already thrown for 940 yards and seven TDs. If he averages just 300 yards a game the rest of the season (170 yards fewer than he averaged in the first two games), he’ll easily pass the single season passing mark of 5,084 yards.

Here’s hoping he has another perfect season like last year: MVP stats in the regular season, then a quick playoff exit.

“Skill players” edition
3rd place: Ricky Williams, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Matt Cassell, -2.68 pts -- started by me
1st place: Luke McCown, -4.74 pts -- on the wire

Not only did I leave the best player of the week on my bench, I also started the second worst player of the week. All told, I left 49 pts on my bench. Good all around effort by me.

But even more impressive was the work of Jags QB Luke McCown, who made Matt Cassell’s four-turnover day look almost respectable. McCown tossed four interceptions and completed only six passes to his own team, good for 59 yards and a 1.2 QB rating. For the record, that’s 33 times worse than your QB rating on Sunday (one attempt, no completions, no interceptions equals a 39.6 rating).

On Sunday, Lions K Jason Hanson set an NFL record by playing in his 297th game with the same team. Here’s a look at some of the good times he has gotten to enjoy over his nearly 20-year career in the Motor City:

-- Two Pro-Bowl selections
-- Five playoff appearances
-- Zero playoff wins
-- 191 losses (career .359 win percentage)
-- A record 26-game road losing streak
-- A record 0-16 regular season
-- 8 different head coaches
-- 21 different starting QBs
-- 97 missed FGs (against 441 made)
-- 8 missed XPs (against 576 made)
-- One Barry Sanders retirement

If there’s a Hall of Fame for withstanding punishment, Hanson is a lock to get in.

This week’s award goes to the guy who sat behind me at the Phillies game Saturday night (when the Phils clinched their fifth straight NL East title). Among the gems he uncorked during the game:

-- “Stutes is terrible. You can’t rush him up if you’re not ready to pitch in the big leagues.” P Mike Stutes had a bad game Saturday, but it was his 53rd of the year. That’s not exactly rushing him to the bigs.

-- “Now they’re in trouble. Berkman is due.” Cardinals OF Lance Berkman was two for three at that point in the game.

-- “Lidge has his stuff tonight!” P Brad Lidge did indeed get the final out of the 8th for the Phils, but it was on one pitch. Not a great sample size.

-- “They’ve got to bring in Madison already. BRING IN MADISON!” The Phillies closer is P Ryan Madson. There is no I in ‘closer.’

Great omens related to the Phillies five-peat as division champs:

-- Look at the words “World Series Champs.” World has five letters. Champs has five letters. Series has five letters, plus one.

-- How many World Series have the Phillies won? Two. How many have they played in? Four. How many World Series take place this year? One. Two plus four minus one? Five.

-- No Phillies team in history has every won five consecutive division titles and failed to win the World Series (This is the first time the team has ever won five in a row).

-- Who wears #5 for the Phillies. 2B Pete Orr. He’s Canadian. Who won the last major sports championship? The Boston Bruins, a team FULL of Canadians. Case closed.

The hero-but-almost-goat of the Cowboys win on Sunday over the 49ers was unheralded WR Jesse Holley, who in overtime took a 77-yard pass down the two-yard line before being tackled while showboating. Many were surprised by the wideout’s big play, considering he was only on the roster because he won the reality show “4th and Long” to earn a spot at the team’s training camp. But one quick look at his name shows why he belongs on the Cowpokes’ squad:

Jesse Holley -- Joyless heel
Wide Receiver Jesse Holley -- Jeers: I yell, deceive whores
Reality Star Jesse Holley -- Tailor’s hell: Jersey yeast

I don’t even understand that last one, but it’s clear this guy is completely revolting.

Week 2 standings

Tough week for Bobert, who already finds himself down almost 100 points in the standings. But I dropped all the way into last place early last season and pulled myself up to the top through hard work, persistence and tax breaks for small businesses making less than $5 million annually. That’s called “good coaching.” Just ask Jim.

-- Picked up two games on Dad this weekend, so we’re tied for the year. Want to know my secret? Pick against Eagles QBs. Donovan McNabb, Kevin Kolb and Mike Vick all lost this weekend. Koy Detmer was unavailable for comment.

-- Rams QB Sam Bradford currently holds the title of worst rusher in the NFL, with -15 yards on the ground through two games. At his current pace, he’ll finish the year with -120 yards rushing. Browns QB Colt McCoy is the worst WR, with one catch for -5 yards, on pace for -40 receiving yards for the season.

-- This weekend’s Eagles-Giants game marks the first meeting since WR DeSean Jackson’s last-second punt-return TD win last fall (Miracle at the Meadowlands III or IV, depending on how you’re counting.) You know what would be awesome this week? A “Miracle on Broad Street” game. Except this time, the home team takes the win. And instead of a last-minute comeback, they just kick the crap out of the visitors and win by 35. That’d be fun.

2011 fantasy recap, week 1

After a Sunday afternoon full of Sept. 11 anniversary tributes (many of them just awful -- Robert De Niro just seemed creepy talking on behalf of the NFL), I thought it was a nice touch to see New York's own beloved football team go out there and play their hearts out. Nobody was sure what to expect from the squad after another tumultuous offseason, but they went out there and performed exactly how you'd hope they would. So, congrats again to the Buffalo Bills, New York state's only football team, for their epic beatdown of the KC Chiefs on Sunday.

In unrelated news, the New Jersey Giants were absolutely terrible on Sunday. And I thought it was embarrassing that they would wear New York Fire Department hats on the sidelines, since the team doesn't play in that city. They really should have worn Newark or Jersey City items instead. Show some civic pride, jerks.

QB: Tom Brady, 42.98 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Mike Tolbert, 34.87 pts -- started by Joel
WR: Steve Smith, 31.87 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Scott Chandler, 21.20 pts -- on the wire
K: David Akers, 15.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Chicago, 27.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Brian Urlacher, 13.50 pts -- started by Jo

Only one girl left in the league this year, and she whipped all our sorry butts this week. Jo fell just short of an epic 200-point week, even with Danny Amendola’s dislocated arm on her bench. And for those of you who before this week could identify Mike Tolbert and Scott Chandler as professional football players and not characters from a generic police drama, congrats.

-- Patriots QB Tom Brady (517 passing yards Monday) is on pace to pass for 8,272 yards this year, destroying the NFL single-season record of 5,084.

-- The Steelers (7 turnovers Sunday) are on pace for 112 giveaways this year, nearly double the team record of 63 turnovers in a season.

-- Eagles RB LeSean McCoy (122 rushing yards Sunday) is on pace to rush for 1,952 yards this season, roughly 1,900 more yards on the ground than coach Andy Reid would like to see from his team.

-- Cowboys QB Tony Romo and Giants QB Eli Manning are on pace to go 0-32 this year, and post a record 752 dopey faces by November (Previous record held by Eli, with 652 by Nov. 1).

-- RB Fred Taylor (retired two weeks ago) is on pace to get injured anyway.

Opening Defense edition
3rd place: Seattle, -1.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
2nd place: Miami, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kansas City, -3.00 pts -- started by Jim
1st place: Pittsburgh, -5.00 pts -- started by Paul

Paul may have had the worst player on the week (one point off the lowest possible score from a defense), but Jim had the roughest coaching debut of the season: He left 52 points on his bench. For good measure, Anthony opted to start two players injured before kickoff this week, and Jeff supported my preseason prediction that he’d win the league by inexplicably failing to start a second defensive player, the 769th time he’s left a position open in this fantasy league. He’s sly like a fox, that one.

During the USC-Utah game on Versus on Saturday (note: I may have a problem with the amount of football I'll watch), the commentators had this exchange during the first series:

Play-by-play guy: Utah QB Jordan Wynn had shoulder surgery during the offseason, and missed much of the spring practices. If you're USC, do you try and get to him early?

Color commentator: Sure. He's the QB. I try to get to him on every play.

I couldn't hear the booth clearly after that, but I assume the next sound was that guy slapping the play-by-play announcer upside the head.

Every year, at the start of the season, my father asks me a question about some rookie and quotes Yahoo's fantasy expert projections. Then I respond by asking him if he still believes in the tooth fairy as well. And then we don't talk for a few weeks.

But this year, I wanted to pull some numbers to show just how terrible those projected fantasy points are. So I pulled the numbers for the top 30 projected QBs and the top 50 projected RBs and compared them with how they actually fared. Since I crunched the numbers Monday night, before the game finished, I had to throw a few names out. But here's what I found:

-- Among 28 QBs, only 17 were within 50 percent (plus or minus) of the projected fantasy points.
-- Only 12 were within 30 percent.
-- Only 3 were within 10 percent.

-- Among 39 RBs, only 25 were within 50 percent.
-- Only 15 were within 30 percent.
-- Only 3 were within 10 percent.

Among the QBs off by more than half, the average mistake was more than 14 points. For the RBs, it hovered around 10 points. Imagine a professional football analyst guessing the final score of a game and regularly being off by two touchdowns. How long would that person hold onto a job?

Well, Chris Berman has been that terrible with his picks for 32 years straight now, so maybe that's a bad example.

You'd think that after nearly 130 Cowboy insult anagrams (I counted in the offseason) that I'd start having trouble coming up with new ideas. And you'd think wrong. It's easy to keep doing this, because every year the Dallas braintrust brings in a new crop of absolutely abominable players.

For example, take the Cowboys first-round draft pick this year, Tyron Smith. It took me less than 30 seconds to find the evil lurking inside the offensive tackle's soul:

Tyron Smith -- Horny mitts
Tyron Smith -- Tis my thorn
Tyron Smith -- My hints rot
Tyron Smith -- Him on tryst

He'll fit right in with the rest of those jerks. So, we say to you, "Hi, Mr. Snotty" (also an anagram for Tyron Smith).

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Pretty good scores all around this week, so catching up to Jo shouldn't be too much of a problem.

-- We're only one week into the season and I'm already down two games in my weekly picks to Dad. Special thanks goes out to the AFC South, where I managed to get both games wrong. Damn Colts.

-- Speaking of the damn Colts, NBC's Sunday Night Football intro features Peyton Manning front and center among the NFL stars being highlighted. In the promo he still has a neck, so you know that picture was way outdated.

-- More awesome anagrams, but these are from mentalfloss.com:
** Indianapolis Colts: spinal dislocation
** Baltimore Ravens: ovarian trembles
** Chicago Bears: ribcage chaos
** Dallas Cowboys: spawn of satan
OK, maybe that last one doesn't quite work.

-- The Eagles are still 93 wins behind the Phillies on the season. I'm just saying.

2011 fantasy football -- preseason predictions

Everybody’s team is ready to go, and it’s already obvious how the season will play out. Here are the highlights:

TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ANALYSIS: New guy always gets the bottom preseason ranking, and since he drafted a Lions player in the first round (RB Jahvid Best), he earns that spot. Sam did end up with his man crush, Wes Welker, but forgot to draft Welker’s missing knees afterwards. The only good news for Sam is that he does have QB Kevin “Corn on the” Kolb, so if he starts him in week one he’ll mysteriously end up with Mike Vick by week 5.

TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ANALYSIS: I hate just about everyone on Mike’s team, so that’ll make it easier when he gets busted for performance enhancing drugs later this season (I’m sure he’ll blame it on Heidi). Tony “Toy Moron” Romo, Vincent “He screwed my fantasy team five years ago” Jackson, Stephen “I have to look up this spelling every week” Gostkowski … I’d love to see Mike finish in last. He’ll probably win anyways.

TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ANALYSIS: Bob took QB Aaron Rodgers with the fifth overall pick, which is just a terrible mistake. QBs can be found anywhere. Just look at the Jaguars – they just dropped longtime signal caller David Garrard in favor of old-school QB Cade McNown. Or was it Luke McCown? Reggie Brown? I’ve got no idea.

TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ANALYSIS: Yahoo awarded Anthony the “Toyota Best Draft” award on Sunday, based on their points projections for the year. I’m giving him the “Crazy Glue Cracked Draft” instead, for the most fragile team: QB Mike Vick, RB Arian Foster, TE Owen Daniels. He’s one Fred Taylor away from a glass-bottom boat. He does have the best team name, though.

TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ANALYSIS: Paul forsook his team name in this year’s draft, taking three RBs and Peyton Manning’s bent spine before grabbing his first wideout. Think of him like the New York Giants – just because it says New York in the name doesn’t mean they play anywhere near that city. They play in New Jersey, which explains the stink around Eli Manning.

TEAM: The Wildcat’s Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ANALYSIS: There’s where all of Paul’s beloved WRs went … NewMike grabbed four top receivers (and top-flight TE Vernon Davis too) and no decent RBs to speak of. For good measure, this squad doesn’t have any linebackers either, and includes Donovan McNabb. It’s Andy Reid’s dream team. If only he could have found Doug Pederson somewhere.

TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ANALYSIS: Another good team name, but another bad team. His top two RBs are Mike Tolbert (possibly a type of candy) and BenJarvus Green-Ellis (I’ll never trust any player with the same initials as my power company). Plus, he didn’t even draft Matt Stafford. Talk about false advertising.

TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ANALYSIS: The only player Joanna really wanted on her team was the former Eagles kicker, and she made sure to pick him up a round before everyone else. And really, what’s more important to a fantasy team than the right kicker? Just ask Sam. Kickers rule. I suggest you all drop a WR and pick up an extra one right now.

TEAM: Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ANALYSIS: I thought Dad’s squad looked OK – QB Phillip Rivers, two good TEs and RBs – but apparently his entire team is already on the waiver wire. So why the high rating? Because of RB Daniel Thomas, WR Danario Alexander, RB Jamaal Charles, and RB Ryan Williams, all on his team. Never pick against men with two first names.

TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ANALYSIS: Everything about my team rocks. The name: It’s an anagram of Nnamdi Asomugha. My RBs: Studs LeSean McCoy and MJD. My WRs: Greg Jennings, Reggie Wayne and Jeremy Maclin. My title: Reigning Awesome Cup champion. My downfall: Drafting QB Eli Manning. That’s like topping an ice cream sundae with a rotten egg. A dopey, dopey rotten egg.

TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ANALYSIS: Jim and his ultra-conservative agenda are at it again this year, trying to keep down all the lower-income teams in favor of keeping the rich, fantasy football fat cats ahead. That means overpaying for guys like RB LeGarrette Blount (2nd round), WR Miles Austin (3rd round), QB Matt Schaub (4th round), and the KC defense (why would you draft them at all?). But that kind of “damn the little man” attitude is popular in the country today, so there’s no reason to believe his strategy won’t work.

TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ANALYSIS: Last time I picked Jeff as the sleeper team of the year he ended up stealing the title. This year? Call it a hunch again. Except for the human stain that is a Cowboys RB, his roster is full of undervalued players: RB Michael Turner, QB Matt Ryan, WR Percy Harvin, TE Tony Gonzalez. It’s a hard-working, blue collar squad. And when Jeff wins the Awesome Cup again and the Eagles win the Super Bowl, make sure to look up and appreciate all those flying pigs circling above.

League play starts Thursday night, folks. Make your roster changes (or dump your entire team, Dad) and get ready for your weekly punishment.

2011 fantasy football -- draft order

Welcome to fantasy football 2011, better known as “The Quest for Awesome Cup X.” Over the last nine years we’ve had 14 different coaches and seven different champions, but today, everyone starts on equal footing (except me, since I am the reigning Awesome Cup champion for another four months). Nothing is certain. The entire season is a blank slate, just like Andy Reid’s mind on third and one (Pass? Or pass?)

Unfortunately, we’re not even one day into the season and we’ve already got controversy. Long-time fantasy manager Heidi was busted for performance enhancing drugs this weekend, her second violation of the league’s zero-tolerance policy. Sure, it’s unclear how extra folic acid would have helped her roster-setting skills, and the pregnancy seems like a legit excuse, but rules are rules. She’s banned for the season.

Luckily, I’ve already found a replacement, so the draft will take place on schedule next Saturday. For anyone who may have forgotten in the offseason, here are the draft order rules. Because the entire league could not be present for the selection show, appropriate proxies are standing by to represent each coach.

As per unofficial league rules, newbie gets the last pick, so the first name on the board is ...

** 12th pick -- Sam

Welcome to the league, Sam. May your dreams crash and burn like the Patriots in the 2010 playoffs. For the record, the last rookie we put in this spot ended up winning the trophy, so if that happens again we may need to reconsider how we put this system together. Sam’s stand-in for the evening, a copy of Madden 2002 for the Playstation, glares across the line of scrimmage at the news.

The next four names go into the Eagles skull cap and the first name out is ...

** 11th pick -- Capt. Awesome

Seriously, who came up with this idiotic draft order process? My proxy, Junior Awesome, responds to the news by yelling, then bashing the TV stand, then falling asleep. Well played, son. Lull everyone into a false sense of security with the bad pick position, then steal the league out from under them. You’re getting your own team next year.

Another name in, another name out ...

** 10th pick -- Champ Mike

Mike finished second to me last year, so it’s only fitting his name comes after mine again this year. Mike’s proxy, a 2004 Eagles NFC champions T-shirt, is strangely absent from the room at the moment … just like his team was strangely absent from the league until the last moment. One year, we’ll get those Doyles to sign up on time. But it won’t be in the league’s first decade, apparently.

Next pick coming out goes to …

** 9th pick -- Joel

Joel finished in the top half of the league last year and gets rewarded with the worst possible slot he could get. His representative, a plush Eeyore doll, stares glumly from the other side of the room, looking for a thistle sandwich to ease the pain of the news.

Our next cheerful contestant on the board is ...

** 8th pick -- New Mike

It’s hard to remember that this is only New Mike’s third year in the league (in large part because none of us remember who this guy is at all) but he’s already posted two impressive finishes and hoisted the Awesome Cup once. His proxy, scattered pieces from fire truck puzzle, lay unorganized around the toy box, presenting a mystery to us all.

Coming in at the next spot is...

** 7th pick -- Jeff

The Blue Collar Killers will have to produce some blue-collar work to get decent results out of this slot -- No one has ever won the league drafting 7th (note: I didn’t actually fact-check that. It just sounds right). Jeff’s representative, a dragon scooter, takes the news without flinching, his vacant eyes just boring a hole through my soul. I hate that dragon.

Onto the next pick ...

** 6th pick -- Joanna

Joanna’s proxy, Joanna, raises her annual line of questioning about why we conduct the draft order in this fashion and if it’s really necessary to line up all the stuffed animals in the room to watch. She is once again ignored.

The next pick out of the hat goes to ...

** 5th pick -- Bobert

The only league coach with a Ph.D. used his smarts to move way up in the draft order this year -- he finished third in 2010, so by all rights he should be picking much later. His stand-in, a copy of the Dr. Seuss classic “Oh the thinks you can think,” admonishes his opponents with the query “Would you dare yank a tooth off the Rink-Rinker-Fink?” Consider the gauntlet thrown down.

Picking just before him will be ...

** 4th pick -- Dad

Dad gets in line for one of the four elite RBs with this pick (Peterson, Foster, Johnson and … I dunno, Marshall Faulk?), which is great news for his chances. Dad’s proxy, my son, informs me he’s going with his grandfather’s team because he has a better pick, and possibly some Cheerios. That child is a traitor. No team for him next year.

Next name out of the hat is ...

** 3rd pick -- Jim

Great news for Jim: Rashard Mendenhall will almost certainly be available with this pick, along with any number of QBs. Terrell Pryor will probably still be there too. Columbus residents love that guy, don’t they? Jim’s representative, a Brutus Buckeye bottle opener, signals victory in response.

Only two left, and the lucky runner up is ...

** 2nd pick -- Ant

What a waste. You know Anthony is just going to pick up LaDanian Tomlinson yet again with this pick. His fill-in, an Achorman DVD, reminds us all that “Milk was a bad choice.” Not sure how that applies here, but everybody has their own strategy.

All that leaves just one name up top ...

** 1st pick -- Paul

Has a wideout been selected #1 in any fantasy draft ever? This could be the year. Paul and his legendary love of wide receivers pull down the #1 pick, giving him the option of taking Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Reggie Wayne, Greg Lewis … whoever his heart desires. Paul’s proxy, a pair of Eagles mittens, gives itself a round of applause.

OK, folks, get those pre-draft rankings set. The league gets switched to live Saturday morning. Good luck to all (except cheating Heidi).

Just so we're all clear what happened ...

On Friday, the Redskins torched the Colts in a preseason match-up. QB John Beck, an unremarkable 30-year-old with only five career starts, looked sharp and appears to have the inside track for the opening day starter job.

Over the weekend, the Nationals took two of three games from the Phillies. The two losses included three blown saves -- before Friday, the Phillies only had two blown saves on the year.

On Monday, the Nationals won their fifth game in seven tries, this time against another division-leadin team (the Diamondbacks).

On Tuesday, the East Coast was hit with a freak earthquake, centered just out of Washington, D.C.

What I'm trying to say is, if Washington teams keep winning, it could mean the end of the world.

Fantasy leaders so far this preseason

After one week of preseason play:

QBs
1) Stephen McGee, Dallas -- 26.32 pts
2) Matt Moore, Miami -- 14.92 pts
3) Greg McElroy, NYJ -- 14.32 pts

Great performance by the Dallas backup, who brought his team back in the fourth quarter for an incredibly important win. For his career, McGee has only one fewer playoff win than starter Tony Romo. Could there be QB controversy brewing? We could only hope.

RBs
1) Richard Medlin, NE -- 17.40 pts
2) Stevan Ridley, NE -- 16.40 pts
3) Keith Toston, StL -- 12.40 pts

The New England running attack may finally come around this season, as long as they're playing the third-string Jacksonville defensive linemen every week.

WRs
1) Dwayne Harris, Dallas -- 25.47 pts
2) Taylor Price, NE -- 18.00 pts
3) Santana Moss, DC -- 17.27 pts

Why in the hell is Moss -- a #1 wideout -- on this list? Oh, that's right. Shanahan's entire team is backups this year. Nevermind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please use these statistics to evaluate the hidden talent in the league, and draft wisely for the regular season (especially if you're in my leagues. Toston looks like a great first round steal.)

Historical perspective

The Phillies won their 77th game Wednesday night, in their 117th game of the season. If they go 5-40 in their last 45 games, they'll still have a winning record at the end of the year.

For comparison's sake, in the 20 years before Charlie Manuel took over the Phils (in 2005), they posted fewer than 77 wins on the season 10 times. Two other years they posted exactly 77 wins in 162 tries.

Manuel now sits 25 wins away from the franchise all-time mark for wins by a manager. If the Phillies finish with 102 victories, he'll have that before the 2011 playoffs start.

Rejected 2011 fantasy football team names

** The Tiki Barbarians
** Chad NewEnglandCheatsO
** Straight Retirement, Homey
** T. Ouch
** Asomugha Awesomites
** Farve-ever
** Manning 2 Manning
** Lockout Laugh Track
** McNabbulous Minneapolis
** Romo for MVP

Right now, the leading contender for my team is "Corn on the Kolb" (stolen from another site). But it's early.

2011 Fantasy Lockout League results

With the lockout season ending this week, here’s a look at how everyone did in our league this year:

6th place -- Rookie Cap Rumble (Paul)
1342 pts
** Drafting QB Tom Brady was huge for Paul -- His 15 plaintiff points per week led all litigators in the Circuit Court Conference. But the rest of his crew was a major disappointment: Judge David Doty had no running game whatsoever, and his kicker (a contract addendum mandating a 20-game season) ended up costing him in the end.

5th place -- NBA strike 4ever (Mike)
1555 pts
** Mike’s wideout corps of Hines Ward and Kenny Britt came through with a whopping 42 points each in criminal distraction points, but the fun stopped there for his squad. Bills owner Ralph Wilson as lead negotiator? Please. How’s he gonna deal with a legal audible when he can’t even field a decent linebacker corps?

4th place -- Hall of Shame Game (Anthony)
1677 pts
** Two words for why this team failed: Tony Romo.

3rd place -- Rosen-House Party (Bob)
1687 pts
** You knew Bob was just going to stack up the stats with workhorse Roger Goodell in his backfield, but he really hit the jackpot by snagging former U.S. solicitor general Paul Clement off the waiver wire. If only Raiders owner Al Davis hadn’t abstained from the final contract vote, he would have gotten the 100-point “unanimous vote” bonus and stolen the title.

2nd place -- NLFPA LOL (Joanna)
1701 pts
** Drew Brees, Logan Mankins, Mike Vrabel … it seemed like Joanna had every player in the 8th District end zone all season long. In the end, the only mistake she made was banking on the Albert Haynesworth civil suit to get her extra penalty points, but Rashard Mendenhall’s bin Laden tweets almost put her over the top anyway. Almost.

1st place -- Decertify This (Me)
1751 pts
** Peyton Manning was the real star for my team: His consistency scoring bargaining points and TV commercial payouts made your team’s final deals look more NHL than NFL. But the real key was the strategy in not drafting any fans for my team, so I didn’t have to take a 20-point penalty multiple times as they all got screwed each week.


Thanks everyone for playing. We’ll do it again in seven to ten years.

Missing in action

A quick look back at the first half of the Phillies season, through the appearances of their seven established position players:
Good work by Howard and Ibanez to stay in there for nearly every game. And despite having their starters play in only 16 games together, the team still posted the best record in the league.

Now everybody get healthy already. No more gray.

Stupidest HR Derby tweets

Actual Twitter posts carrying this week's #HRDerby tag:

@ArlaFusselman57: Robbie Cano calm down... your doing to good...
-- If he had just misspelled it "clam" too, we'd have something.

@espn: Somebody call Marshawn Lynch. Robinson Cano is officially in beast mode tonight.
-- The N in ESPN stands for NFL. The E stands for football.

@jvtorresjr: So people were complaining that last nights #HRDerby was boring... People also complained about #steroids in #MLB! Which one is it?
-- There were 95 HRs last night. No one was complaining there were too few.

@WinonaWachobQQI: @LoMoMarlins how soon can we expect to see you competing in #HRDerby
-- Logan Morrison (of the Marlins) has 14 HRs in 572 plate appearances. Keep waiting.

@PatPumpBGIL: I'm very surprised by the lack of #HRDerby tweets I've been seeing.
-- More than 100,000 tweets were sent with this tag. It was a trending topic all day.

@CarenHaby2603: Chris berman makes the #hrderby entertaining. I love his sayings. "That one was all the way to the space station" lol
-- This person must be killed, for the good of the species.

Updating my memorabilia

The Flyers season may have ended on a sour note this year, but that's no reason to hold a grudge against the team. So I dusted off my Flyers calendar from 2010 (remember, they were in the finals just 13 months ago) to hang it with pride among my other sports memorabilia. Only one problem...

Yeah, um, Carter, Richards and Gagne aren't on the team anymore. So, maybe we'll go with the more recent calendar instead...

See? Much better. Richards, Carter, Powe, Carcillo and Leino aren't on the team anymore, but there still are a few familiar faces. Like ... Briere! And Pronger! And Hextall!

Ugh.