Now here it is 88 more times:
You'll notice 11 blank spots down there at the bottom -- they'll be filling those in soon too.
Monday, October 01, 2007
We were there and it was awesome
We'll have some shots from the game up later this week, but in fairness for this posting earlier in the season, here's this:
Now here it is 88 more times:
You'll notice 11 blank spots down there at the bottom -- they'll be filling those in soon too.
Now here it is 88 more times:
You'll notice 11 blank spots down there at the bottom -- they'll be filling those in soon too.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Fantasy recap, Week 3
Negatives from Sunday’s Eagles game
Nobody is perfect. Here’s what they did wrong:
:( -- The defensive line only accounted for 7 of the 8 sacks, not all eight.
:( -- QB Kevin Kolb had a sack and a fumble in his debut.
:( -- WR Reggie Brown (two catches, 23 yards) still kinda sucked.
:( -- WE Greg Lewis still isn’t in jail.
Like I said, nobody’s perfect … except for McNabb, who had a perfect 158.3 passer rating, the 33rd time that’s happened in NFL history.
Top Performers
** QB: Donovan McNabb, 37.94 pts -– started by Dad
** RB: Ronnie Brown, 43.80 pts – started by Neal
** WR: Kevin Curtis, 43.73 pts -- started by Dad
** TE: Antonio Gates, 18.53 pts – started by Bob
** K: Matt Stover, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
** DEF: Dallas, 23.00 pts -- started by Jeff
I’m shocked too; Not only was Westy not the best back (41.40 pts) but none of the Eagles were the best player on the week, thanks to Ronnie Brown. That’s awful. They’ll just have to score 56 points again next week and see if they get to the top.
Andy Reid blown call of the week Award
Before I run out of season, I want to give a summer achievement award to Charlie “six pitcher” Manuel for taking one of the most talented Philly teams of the last 25 years from an assured playoff berth to the brink of playoff elimination. Let’s review:
Last year’s MVP? Check.
This year’s MVP, Jimmy Rollins? Check.
The best second baseman in the pros? Check.
Three above-average outfielders, and two solid backups? Check.
Three 10-game winners, and a fourth on the way in Kyle Kendrick? Check.
A plus-11 game record at home, and a MLB best 48 come-from-behind wins? Check.
Congrats, Uncle Charlie. Maybe using every pitcher in the bullpen every night isn’t the best plan.
Worst performers, "notable QBs" edition
Third Place: Marc Bulger, -1.36 pts -- started by Ant
Second Place: JP Losman, -1.84 pts -- sitting on the wire
First Place: Kevin Kolb, -2.20 points -- sitting on the wire
Just missing the cut? The Bears’ Rex Grossman (three INTs, 3.00 pts), the Cardinals’ Matt Leinart (53 yards passing, 2.32 pts), and the Saints' Drew Brees (four INTs, -0.80 pts).
A look at my fantasy college football team
** QB Graham Harrell, TX Tech: 646 pass yards, 5 TDs; 55.84 fantasy pts.
** RB Matt Forte, Tulane: 303 rushing yards, 5 TDs; 60.30 fantasy pts.
** WR Enron Riley, Duke: 235 receiving, 4 TDs; 39.67 fantasy pts.
** DEF Va Tech: 3 points allowed, 2 return TDs, 3 INTs, 5 sacks; 33.00 pts.
Stupidest thing I heard this week
Unfortunately I didn’t catch the name of the ESPN weekend anchor who dropped this gem, but I haven’t been able to get the echo out of my head:
“…Michigan beat Penn State 14-9, and Notre Dame drops to 0-4 after losing to Michigan State. Now, all the rest of today’s games are either final, in progress now or coming up later tonight. Number 1 USC…”
So none of today’s games are being played tomorrow, or won’t get played at all? Thanks for the update.
Cowboy anagram insult of the week
I just realized yesterday that I never gave Bill Parcells’ replacement a proper welcome. So what can we learn about “Cowboys Head Coach Wade Phillips” by taking a closer look:
**Hobo’s way is clichéd, a capped howl”
Sounds like a winner to me.
Video corner
I've been meaning to post this for a few weeks now, but if you want to check out real gridiron action you need to be following Gahanna Pee Wee football. I've already started scouting players for my 2018 fantasy football team -- #72 looks like a keeper. At the very least, I'm pretty sure he could take down Anthony.
Our standings so far
First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 541.44 pts
Second Place: Updog, Neal -- 447.70 pts
Third Place: Guliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 429.99 pts
Another week, another near 200-point performance: This time Dad posted 188.63 points. Meanwhile, Paul is losing about 30 points a week but still opening up a lead ... and my best performance of the year dropped me from eighth to ninth. Clearly, I don't get it.
For the record
** The professional column is up.
** I'm pretty sure Dad is eight up on me already, but to be honest I lost count after six games. It's a bloodbath so far.
** If you missed Jim's crazy rant from last week, be sure to check it out this week. Seriously -- they let this guy around impressionable young children?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Fantasy recap, Week 2
Time to play another game... A quick quiz to see if you belong in the NFL:
** When a pass from the QB comes in high, the wide receiver should:
A – jump and catch it
B – watch it sail by
C – jump and get both hands on it, but not bother pulling it in
** How many defensive lineman should it take to tackle a running back?
A – one
B – three
C – why would a D-lineman be in on that play?
** It’s first and 10 after your running back breaks an 18 yard run. What’s the next play?
A – another run
B – a long pass play to catch the defense off guard
C – a quick pass to a fullback that goes for –1 yards
** You’re a QB, your offense is struggling and the coach keeps looking at the backup QB. What do you do?
A – go out and scramble as if your life depends on it
B – ignore the coach's play calls and start using the run game again
C – give the press comments about the Patriots cheating scandal
If you answered A to the questions above, you know your football. If you answered C to any of them, I think I know which 0-2 team you play for.
Top Performers ** QB: Carson Palmer, 49.04 points -- started by Bob
** RB: Jamal Lewis, 27.50 points -- sitting on Joel's bench
** WR: Chad Johnson, 36.93 points -- started by Jim
** TE: Kellen Winslow, 18.67 points -- started by Paul
** K: Phil Dawson, 15.00 points -- sitting on the wire
** DEF: Chicago, 24.00 points -- started by Joanna
Wait, the top fantasy defense didn't come from the Browns/Bengals game too? I'm shocked.
Andy Reid blown call of the week Award Joel gets the award this week, for being one of thousands of fantasy victims nationwide who for some reason didn't think 700-year-old Jamal Lewis would rush for 215 yards on Sunday. Benching him alone cost Burns' Ringers almost 24 points, and all told Joel left 30 points on the bench. On the plus side, he was not caught illegally videotaping Paul's team for hints on how to win.
Honorable mention goes to Anthony, who had three open bench spots on his team. If you told me before the season about this strategy, I'd have told you he might mistakenly go down in the standings with one or two open spots, but he can't go down with three. Not with three, he can't.
Worst performers, "defenses we started" edition Third Place: NY Giants, -3.00 points -- started by Dad
Second Place: Cincy, -4.00 points -- started by Neal
First Place: Miami, -5.00 points -- started by Jim
So far this season that Giants defense is worth a whopping minus-4 points .. but that's what happens when you surrender 80 points in two games. But at least they've got Michael Strahan back.
Fun with projections, week 2 ** After two weeks Patriots WR Randy Moss is on pace for 2,304 receiving yards, which would smash the single-season record of 1,848. Of course, now Bengals WR Chad Johnson is on pace for 2,432 yards.
** Vikings QB Tarvaris Jackson is on pace to toss 45 interceptions this year. For comparison’s sake, that sucks.
** The Giants are on pace to give up 640 points this year, shattering the record of 533, which coincidentally is how many times QB Eli Manning made that half-asleep-vacant-stare face on Sunday.
Stupidest thing I heard this week This really should be more of a group award -- I should give it to every NFL analyst this week who said the Patriots getting caught stealing plays didn't matter because "the players are great and Bill Belichick is a football genius." I'd be a spectacular coach too if I knew what the other team was calling.
But somehow, even dumber than that, was John Madden on Sunday night football announcing that the Patriots didn't need any cheating to score on their opening drive, then adding, "I guarantee you there aren't any cameras looking at the San Diego sideline tonight!"
That's funny. I could see the sideline just fine on the TV broadcast. Maybe John thinks he works for radio now.
Cowboy anagram insult of the week Part of the reason I hate the Cowboys so much is their ability each year to recruit completely reprehensible charaters each year; Take T.O., or Michael Irvin, or Jeffery Dahmer (he played tight end for them for a few years). This year's crop of rookies is no exception -- Just look at what kind of person "Dallas rookie tackle James Marten" is:
** Mean jerk eats armadillo/elk tacos **
That's insulting several different ways to our neighbors down south, who take great pride in their cuisine. These guys are really disgusting.
Greatest player in the world update Delaware running back Omar Cuff had a terrible game on Saturday – a disappointing one touchdown on 56 rushing yards in the Blue Hens’ 38-9 romp over the Rhode Island Little People. Cuff’s poor play brought his three-game totals to a mere 12 touchdowns and 393 yards on the ground.
If he’s not careful, that 18-point-130-rushing average could drop down to nothing.
Seriously, though, he’s the greatest player ever. Cuff is a converted defensive back, which makes you realize if he had played RB his whole life he’d probably already be in the NFL with 700 rushing yards and 20 TDs after two games.
Our standings so farFirst Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul -- 401.18 points
Second Place: Giuliani's 2nd Wife, Jim -- 310.56 points
Third Place: The Moravians, Bob -- 274.58 points
I told you Paul would come crashing back down; He only had 198 points this week. In other news, we've got two teams that don't have 198 points combined yet.
For the record ** The professional column is up.
** Yeah, Dad is up 5 games on me already, but it’s all part of my grand plan. Just like it’s part of my grand plan to sink to 8th in the standings behind LaDanian Tomlinson. No worries – I’ve got it covered.
** Seriously, are they gonna score another TD this year? The Eagles have the same number of offensive touchdowns as the Falcons, and their ace QB is tossing passes in federal prison. And Greg Lewis still hasn’t been jailed for last week.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Fantasy recap, Week 1
It’s never too early If the playoffs started today, here’s who would be in, based on the NFL tiebreaking rules:
** NFC First round byes – Vikings (1-0), Panthers (1-0)
** NFC division winners – Cowboys (1-0), Niners (1-0)
** NFC wild cards – Packers (1-0), Seahawks (1-0)
** NFC just missing – Lions (1-0, but zero NFC wins)
** AFC First round byes – Patriots (1-0), Steelers (1-0)
** AFC division winners – Bengals (1-0), Broncos (1-0)
** AFC wild cards teams – Texans (1-0), Titans (1-0)
** AFC just missing – Colts and Chargers (both 1-0, but zero AFC wins)
It’s depressing that even under this ridiculous scenario, the Patriots still get their conference’s number one seed and the Lions still can’t make the playoffs.
Top Performers
** QB: Tony Romo, 42.90 – started by Paul
** RB: LaMont Jordan, 27.93 – sitting on Paul’s bench
** WR: Plaxico Burress, 35.60 – started by Paul
** TE: Antonio Gates, 22.13 – started by Bob
** K: Jason Hanson, 14.00 – started by Jo
** DEF: Minnesota, 32.00 – started by Dad
Paul also started the number two WR on the week (Randy Moss, 27.20) and the sixth- and seventh-best wideouts (Steve Smith, 21.70, and T.O., 20.80) en route to a rare 200-plus point performance. Imagine if he had Lamont Jordan in his lineup instead of Steven Jackson (a 24-point difference).
Andy Reid blown call of the week Award
Normally I’d make fun here of people like Anthony for having four open bench spots on his team or ridiculing the dolt who left 37 points on his bench (mostly in the form of the Green Bay defense) but the award’s namesake just keeps getting dumber. If I may paraphrase the great Roman philosopher G-money, you know you’re in a terrible situation when Reno Mahe is the answer. And when you blow a game trying to figure that out … that earns you at least a week’s ridicule.
Honorable mention goes to Ant, for the reasons above; Jeff, who lost nine points by starting his two defenses (Dallas and the Jets) and scored only 66 points; and that idiot who thought the Green Bay defense (19.00) would be worth less than the Oakland D (00.00).
Worst performers, Eagles KR edition
Third Place: Correll Buckhalter, 2.00 points – sitting on the wire
Second Place: J.R. Reed, -0.68 points – sitting on the wire
First Place: Greg Lewis, -1.92 points – sitting on the wire
All of them are jobless in our league … and should be jobless in the NFL too. Possibly in jail as well.
Fun with projections
** Titans RB Chris Brown (175 rushing yards on Sunday) is on pace to rush for 2,800 yards this season, smashing the single-season record of 2,105.
** Patriots WR Randy Moss (183 receiving yards on Sunday) is on pace to catch 2,928 yards this season, smashing the single-season record of 1,848.
** Giants WR Plaxico Burress (three TDs on Sunday) is on pace to score 48 touchdowns this season, smashing the single-season record of 31 TDs.
** The Falcons (three points on Sunday) are on pace to score 48 points this season, which coincidentally is also how many months Vick is projected to serve in jail for dog fighting.
Stupidest thing I heard this week
It took only about 10 minutes into the new season for my brain to seize up, thanks to Al Michaels. During the Colts/Saints game, he let me know that the Indianapolis dome “might not be the biggest stadium in the NFL, but it’s the loudest tonight!”
That’s a bold statement, considering it was a Thursday game and it was the only stadium with a game in play that night. Although I bet the Linc is pretty loud when no one is there.
Notable performances
** Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson had more passing TDs on Sunday (one) than QBs Brett Favre, Jeff Garcia, Rex Grossman, Jason Campbell and Drew Brees had combined this weekend (zero).
** Saints QB Drew Brees had as many receptions this weekend (one) as WRs Donte Stallworth, Joe Horn, Mushin Muhammad and Reggie Brown … and one more than Seattle’s #1 receiver Deion Branch (zero).
** Cowboys WR Terrell Owens had more TD catches Sunday (two) than brain cells (one).
** Giants QB Eli Manning had more season-threatening injuries on Sunday (one) than Donovan McNabb (zero). He is also currently tied for 25th in the league for career playoff wins (zero) with Tony Romo, Jason Campbell, Marcus Vick and the three-month old bag of pretzels I have in the kitchen.
Cowboy anagram insult of the week
By now you've heard that one of the 'boys wide receivers came up with a knee injury before the game this week, but it didn't stop them from embarrassing the Giants on Sunday night. But will there be long-term damage to the team? Just looking at "Dallas Cowboys wideout Terry Glenn" seems to confirm that:
***OW! OW! Oy! Leg ends tilt, club's year. Darn.**
Oh, well. It was a nice tilt while it lasted.
Our standings so far
First Place: I Need Linebackers, Paul – 202.87 points
Second Place: Giuliani’s 2nd Wife, Jim – 165.02 points
Third Place: Updog, Neal – 144.53 points
Have fun while you can, kids – This was quite possibly the greatest fantasy week for wideouts in the last 10 years, and one of the worst for RBs. You’ll come crashing back down again soon.
For the record
** The professional column is back, despite popular demand.
** I can't be sure, but I think Dad might already be up four in the yearly picks. But my fantasy team is ahead of his, so it's all good.
** Boy, that Reggie Wayne sure looks good.
** Sorry I didn't fit in a Delaware recap this week, but I'm busy building a shrine to their RB, who has seven TDs after two games. He's totally carrying my Division 1-AA fantasy football team.
Monday, September 03, 2007
2007 fantasy league predictions
Let the guessing and taunting begin ... again. Here's how things will look in January:
TEAM: Queen of Smack, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
WHY: Heidi, still serving her suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs, unofficially drafted Rodney Harrison, Wade Wilson, Shawn Merriman, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds and Michael Irvin for her team. It a shame that all of them, including Heidi, have set such a poor example for our children. But I bet Canseco would be pretty good on special teams...
TEAM: Guliani’s Second Wife, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 1798 points, 12th place
WHY: His team really isn’t that bad, but I’ve gotta penalize him for continuing his yearly tradition of skipping all worthwhile RBs in lieu of lower-scoring wideouts and more-available QBs. But with some luck and Peyton Manning, Chad Johnson, Torry Holt and Andre Johnson on this team, Jim could really surprise. Also, with some luck, Michael Vick could skip jail and become a productive NFL player again someday.
TEAM: Mudslingers of Old, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 1877 points, 11th place
WHY: Sorry, Dad. I love your loyalty, but starting McNabb, Westbrook, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis and Brent Celek makes for a bad, bad fantasy team … unless the Eagles really do score 40 each week. And even if they do, you’re in trouble in week 5. In case you missed it, Dad was so faithful to da Birds he picked up their backup kicker, E.J. Cochrane, even though the man will never play a down in the NFL.
TEAM: The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 1890 points, 10th place
WHY: I’m renaming Bob’s squad to Team ACL – Carson Palmer, Donte Stallworth, Shaun Alexander and Adam Vinatieri all had leg injuries last year. Sure, they all claim they’re healed now, but are you gonna trust NFL doctors or me watching from my couch? The one guy on his team who was injury-free in 2006? RB Fred Taylor. And you know he’s got a good five or six more years on those bionic legs.
TEAM: Burns Ringers, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 1918 points, 9th place
WHY: I can’t believe the talent this team has: stud WR Issac Bruce, stud TE Jeremy Shockey, stud RBs Jamal Lewis and Deuce McCallister, the Pittsburgh defense, supserstar QB Steve McNair coming off the bench … wait, it is 2002, right? No? It’s 2007? Oh, nevermind.
TEAM: I Need Linebackers, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 1966 points, 8th place
WHY: This team will lose because its coach wants to lose. Tony Romo, T.O., Plaxico Burress and Randy Moss? Geez, Paul, why not just draft Vick, Emmit Smith and Paris Hilton and put together a team everyone would hate? I know the computer made the actual picks, but wouldn’t you feel better if you do terrible? Let’s work out a trade for the Washington defense and we’ll see if you can tank everyone.
TEAM: Updog, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2001 points, 7th place
WHY: All of Neal’s players have one- or two-syllable last names. Jones-Addai-Kitna-Brown-Chambers-Mason-Bell. Weird, huh? In my expert opinion, I think he’s one reliable wideout away from a great team, maybe a Reggie Wayne or somebody like that. By the way, you should check your trade offers. I’m just guessing.
TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2047 points, 6th place
WHY: Jeff has some good players (an underrated RB trio of Larry Johnson, Brandon Jacobs and Clinton Portis that will surprise many) but there’s no way he finishes higher than sixth. He has players from 12 different teams on his squad. That’s 12 different bye weeks to keep track of. But week five, he’ll be lucky if he has anyone playing.
TEAM: Spider Pigs, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 points, 5th place
WHY: Anthony won the honor of best team name and followed it up by drafting the most boring team ever. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s just nothing exciting about it either. Ahman Green? Marc Bulger? The KC defense? Eh. I guess I hate Jason Whitten because he’s on Dallas. So, yeah, I guess I hate this team. Maybe.
TEAM: For Who For What, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2180 points, 4th place
WHY: I can’t believe how badly I screwed up this draft. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne? L.T. and Philip Rivers? Hines Ward and Heath Miller? With so many teammates, it’s amazing I didn’t draft the Oakland defense twice. That said, I did get L.T., so it’s gonna be tough for me to finish worse than the top five. But I’m already trying…
TEAM: We Want Detmers, Jo
PROJECTED FINISH: 2222 points, 3rd place
WHY: Two years ago I picked Jo to finish third and she finished at the bottom of the standings. Last year I picked her for the bottom and she finished third. So this year, she’s screwed. But that Tom Brady/Willie Parker/Willis McGahee/Chicago defense combo looks really, really good, too good to pretend like she’ll be in the bottom half.
TEAM: Szechuan Bean Curd, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2273 points, 2nd place
WHY: Mike has a handful of good RBs and reliable WRs and always manages to make a good run, so I’m guessing he’ll stay near the top three. And that’s a shame, because “szechaun” is difficult to spell, and I’m gonna end up having to put it in the recap each week. What a pain in the neck.
TEAM: I like Bush (Reggie), Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2315 points, 1st Place
WHY: The reigning champ always gets the benefit of the doubt – after all, he won the league without LaDanian Tomlinson last year. He has two great defenses (Baltimore and Denver), a handful of good receivers (including Reggie Bush, who is not an RB) and a RB who I already tried to trade for and got shot down (it’s the guy who’s not Fred Taylor on the Jags). Of course, the whole thing will fall apart when Vince Young goes down with a Madden-laden season-ending injury, but who’s really worried about that?
So there it is, kids. First game is Thursday night, so remember to set Drew Brees and Reggie Wayne in the starting spots before the game to get points for them.
Oh, and Reggie Wayne is on the trading block. He’s way better than Jim’s wide receivers.
TEAM: Queen of Smack, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 0 points, 13th place
WHY: Heidi, still serving her suspension for the use of performance-enhancing drugs, unofficially drafted Rodney Harrison, Wade Wilson, Shawn Merriman, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds and Michael Irvin for her team. It a shame that all of them, including Heidi, have set such a poor example for our children. But I bet Canseco would be pretty good on special teams...
TEAM: Guliani’s Second Wife, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 1798 points, 12th place
WHY: His team really isn’t that bad, but I’ve gotta penalize him for continuing his yearly tradition of skipping all worthwhile RBs in lieu of lower-scoring wideouts and more-available QBs. But with some luck and Peyton Manning, Chad Johnson, Torry Holt and Andre Johnson on this team, Jim could really surprise. Also, with some luck, Michael Vick could skip jail and become a productive NFL player again someday.
TEAM: Mudslingers of Old, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 1877 points, 11th place
WHY: Sorry, Dad. I love your loyalty, but starting McNabb, Westbrook, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis and Brent Celek makes for a bad, bad fantasy team … unless the Eagles really do score 40 each week. And even if they do, you’re in trouble in week 5. In case you missed it, Dad was so faithful to da Birds he picked up their backup kicker, E.J. Cochrane, even though the man will never play a down in the NFL.
TEAM: The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 1890 points, 10th place
WHY: I’m renaming Bob’s squad to Team ACL – Carson Palmer, Donte Stallworth, Shaun Alexander and Adam Vinatieri all had leg injuries last year. Sure, they all claim they’re healed now, but are you gonna trust NFL doctors or me watching from my couch? The one guy on his team who was injury-free in 2006? RB Fred Taylor. And you know he’s got a good five or six more years on those bionic legs.
TEAM: Burns Ringers, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 1918 points, 9th place
WHY: I can’t believe the talent this team has: stud WR Issac Bruce, stud TE Jeremy Shockey, stud RBs Jamal Lewis and Deuce McCallister, the Pittsburgh defense, supserstar QB Steve McNair coming off the bench … wait, it is 2002, right? No? It’s 2007? Oh, nevermind.
TEAM: I Need Linebackers, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 1966 points, 8th place
WHY: This team will lose because its coach wants to lose. Tony Romo, T.O., Plaxico Burress and Randy Moss? Geez, Paul, why not just draft Vick, Emmit Smith and Paris Hilton and put together a team everyone would hate? I know the computer made the actual picks, but wouldn’t you feel better if you do terrible? Let’s work out a trade for the Washington defense and we’ll see if you can tank everyone.
TEAM: Updog, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2001 points, 7th place
WHY: All of Neal’s players have one- or two-syllable last names. Jones-Addai-Kitna-Brown-Chambers-Mason-Bell. Weird, huh? In my expert opinion, I think he’s one reliable wideout away from a great team, maybe a Reggie Wayne or somebody like that. By the way, you should check your trade offers. I’m just guessing.
TEAM: Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 2047 points, 6th place
WHY: Jeff has some good players (an underrated RB trio of Larry Johnson, Brandon Jacobs and Clinton Portis that will surprise many) but there’s no way he finishes higher than sixth. He has players from 12 different teams on his squad. That’s 12 different bye weeks to keep track of. But week five, he’ll be lucky if he has anyone playing.
TEAM: Spider Pigs, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 points, 5th place
WHY: Anthony won the honor of best team name and followed it up by drafting the most boring team ever. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s just nothing exciting about it either. Ahman Green? Marc Bulger? The KC defense? Eh. I guess I hate Jason Whitten because he’s on Dallas. So, yeah, I guess I hate this team. Maybe.
TEAM: For Who For What, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2180 points, 4th place
WHY: I can’t believe how badly I screwed up this draft. Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne? L.T. and Philip Rivers? Hines Ward and Heath Miller? With so many teammates, it’s amazing I didn’t draft the Oakland defense twice. That said, I did get L.T., so it’s gonna be tough for me to finish worse than the top five. But I’m already trying…
TEAM: We Want Detmers, Jo
PROJECTED FINISH: 2222 points, 3rd place
WHY: Two years ago I picked Jo to finish third and she finished at the bottom of the standings. Last year I picked her for the bottom and she finished third. So this year, she’s screwed. But that Tom Brady/Willie Parker/Willis McGahee/Chicago defense combo looks really, really good, too good to pretend like she’ll be in the bottom half.
TEAM: Szechuan Bean Curd, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2273 points, 2nd place
WHY: Mike has a handful of good RBs and reliable WRs and always manages to make a good run, so I’m guessing he’ll stay near the top three. And that’s a shame, because “szechaun” is difficult to spell, and I’m gonna end up having to put it in the recap each week. What a pain in the neck.
TEAM: I like Bush (Reggie), Eric
PROJECTED FINISH: 2315 points, 1st Place
WHY: The reigning champ always gets the benefit of the doubt – after all, he won the league without LaDanian Tomlinson last year. He has two great defenses (Baltimore and Denver), a handful of good receivers (including Reggie Bush, who is not an RB) and a RB who I already tried to trade for and got shot down (it’s the guy who’s not Fred Taylor on the Jags). Of course, the whole thing will fall apart when Vince Young goes down with a Madden-laden season-ending injury, but who’s really worried about that?
So there it is, kids. First game is Thursday night, so remember to set Drew Brees and Reggie Wayne in the starting spots before the game to get points for them.
Oh, and Reggie Wayne is on the trading block. He’s way better than Jim’s wide receivers.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I know you heard that American Idol was in Philly this week, but you probably didn’t hear that several local notables made an appearance to perform on the show. None of them got through, but my spies up there gave me a full report about their performances:
Aaron Rowand – singing “Centerfield” by John Fogerty
Judges’ notes: Replacing the lyrics “a brand-new pair of shoes” with “just gimmie a brand-new contract already” ruined the playful tone of the song.
Jeremiah Trotter – “You Outta Know” by Alanis Morissette
Judges’ notes: I thought this song was supposed to be about a jilted girlfriend. I don’t remember anything about the 3-4 defense or “what’s with your stupid D-line obsession” in the original.
Brett Myers – “Stan” by Eminem
Judges’ notes: Ummm... I'm not sure the wife-beating song was the best choice.
Ryan Howard – “If I had a million dollars” by BNL
Judges’ notes: His tone and pitch were just terrible, but even we can tell this guy deserves to be making more than $900,000 this year.
Dawkins – “Let the bodies hit the floor” by Drowning Pool
Judges’ notes: I was so scared I actually wet myself.
Andy Reid – “Georgia on my Mind” by Stevie Wonder
Judges’ notes: Mumbling was a major problem with this singer, and whenever he forgot the lyrics he just sputtered out “The time is yours.” Very weird.
Chase Utley – “I am great” by Chase Utley
Judges’ notes: It wasn’t really a song per se – he just stood there for 10 minutes and kept yelling “I AM GREAT!” – but it’s hard to argue with that.
Terrell Owens – “The Eagles Fight Song”
Judges’ notes: Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything this performer can do that’s going to make us like him.
Aaron Rowand – singing “Centerfield” by John Fogerty
Judges’ notes: Replacing the lyrics “a brand-new pair of shoes” with “just gimmie a brand-new contract already” ruined the playful tone of the song.
Jeremiah Trotter – “You Outta Know” by Alanis Morissette
Judges’ notes: I thought this song was supposed to be about a jilted girlfriend. I don’t remember anything about the 3-4 defense or “what’s with your stupid D-line obsession” in the original.
Brett Myers – “Stan” by Eminem
Judges’ notes: Ummm... I'm not sure the wife-beating song was the best choice.
Ryan Howard – “If I had a million dollars” by BNL
Judges’ notes: His tone and pitch were just terrible, but even we can tell this guy deserves to be making more than $900,000 this year.
Dawkins – “Let the bodies hit the floor” by Drowning Pool
Judges’ notes: I was so scared I actually wet myself.
Andy Reid – “Georgia on my Mind” by Stevie Wonder
Judges’ notes: Mumbling was a major problem with this singer, and whenever he forgot the lyrics he just sputtered out “The time is yours.” Very weird.
Chase Utley – “I am great” by Chase Utley
Judges’ notes: It wasn’t really a song per se – he just stood there for 10 minutes and kept yelling “I AM GREAT!” – but it’s hard to argue with that.
Terrell Owens – “The Eagles Fight Song”
Judges’ notes: Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything this performer can do that’s going to make us like him.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Setting the draft order
Before I get to the draft order, there's shocking news this year. Our 2003 Awesome Cup champion, Heidi "The Hitman" Doyle, this weekend was suspended for the 2007 fantasy football season after she tested positive for performance-enchancing drugs.
Not a lot of details are being released right now. As you know, Heidi in recent months has been dogged by steroid allegations, ever she set the modern record for mouse clicks during NFL.com web surfing (14.3 million in 10 minutes). The appeals process is lengthy, in part because of the damage that kind of substance abuse could have on the integrity of the game. It's tragic that another great young player appears to have succumbed to the quick glory that drugs can bring, and now it might cost her career.
Also, I'm pretty sure she's involved in dogfighting.
Luckily, we've got two new players this year taking her place and trying to wrest the Awesome Cup from Eric's grimy, grimy fingers. As always, the first four spots in the draft are set in reserve order of last year's top four, so we have:
12. I like Bush, Reggie (Eric)
11. Spider Pigs (Ant)
10. We Want Detmers (Joanner)
9. Szechuan Bean Curd (Mike)
The angry Koy-lover over here is picking the other names out of my old Eagles hat, offering her own commentary on each selection, and the next pick goes to ...
8. Burns' Ringers (Joel)
Jo comment: "Why do we start at eight? This is a stupid way to do a draft."
My reaction: Tough break; He finished 10th of 11 last year, and gets the worst pick possible. But that's slightly better news for ...
7. The Moravians (Bob)
Jo comment: "Wait, Bob's in this league? Who let that happen?"
My reaction: Welcome to the league, newbie. Usually we give the new kids a break, but not this year. Instead, your loss benefits...
6. Updog (Neal)
Jo comment: "Who? Oh, that Neal."
My reaction: Neal finished 8th last year, so this is right where he should have picked. See the system works! Moving on...
5. Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Jo comment: "You know, I didn't win last year. I should get a better pick."
My reaction: Bad team name, OK draft spot. But I'm starting to get worried no one is going to believe this because my name hasn't been picked yet. Maybe it'll be next ...
4. Mudslingers of old (Capt. Awesome's Dad)
Jo comment: "That's not a great spot for your own father."
My reaction: I thought it was a good spot. But it's not quite as good as the next pick, which belongs to ...
3. Giuliani's 2nd Wife (Jim)
Jo comment: "Are you cheating? Is your name even in there?"
My reaction: Even Jim might decide to draft a RB this high. We're almost finished here, but first we have ...
2. I Need Linebackers (Paul)
Jo comment: "This is stupid. Did I mention that?"
My reaction: Paul shouldn't get this high of a pick; That's a terrible team name. And now it makes me think of Trotter. Thanks for depressing me, jerk.
So that just leaves...
1. For who for what? (Capt. Awesome)
My reaction:
Oh crap.
Oh crap.
Oh crap.
No one is gonna believe this.
Jo comment: "No, you made your bed, you filthy cheater. Now you have to lie in that filthy bed. Besides, nobody is going to believe I wanted to help you. Flithy cheater."
Clearly, the hat was expecting Heidi's name to come out last. Despite the Koy apologist's animosity over here, she'll vouch this is on the up-and-up, and I'll remind you all we've never had a repeat winner of the Awesome Cup or someone win after getting the number one pick in the draft. That's two big strikes against me.
Let's set the draft for Friday, Aug. 31 -- it's automated, so set your rosters before that night. I'll switch the status over and we should have our teams ready to go Saturday or Sunday morning (and I'll have Tomlinson as my #1 back).
Email me with any questions, and happy hunting.
Not a lot of details are being released right now. As you know, Heidi in recent months has been dogged by steroid allegations, ever she set the modern record for mouse clicks during NFL.com web surfing (14.3 million in 10 minutes). The appeals process is lengthy, in part because of the damage that kind of substance abuse could have on the integrity of the game. It's tragic that another great young player appears to have succumbed to the quick glory that drugs can bring, and now it might cost her career.Also, I'm pretty sure she's involved in dogfighting.
Luckily, we've got two new players this year taking her place and trying to wrest the Awesome Cup from Eric's grimy, grimy fingers. As always, the first four spots in the draft are set in reserve order of last year's top four, so we have:
12. I like Bush, Reggie (Eric)
11. Spider Pigs (Ant)
10. We Want Detmers (Joanner)
9. Szechuan Bean Curd (Mike)
The angry Koy-lover over here is picking the other names out of my old Eagles hat, offering her own commentary on each selection, and the next pick goes to ...
8. Burns' Ringers (Joel)
Jo comment: "Why do we start at eight? This is a stupid way to do a draft."
My reaction: Tough break; He finished 10th of 11 last year, and gets the worst pick possible. But that's slightly better news for ...
7. The Moravians (Bob)
Jo comment: "Wait, Bob's in this league? Who let that happen?"
My reaction: Welcome to the league, newbie. Usually we give the new kids a break, but not this year. Instead, your loss benefits...
6. Updog (Neal)
Jo comment: "Who? Oh, that Neal."
My reaction: Neal finished 8th last year, so this is right where he should have picked. See the system works! Moving on...
5. Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Jo comment: "You know, I didn't win last year. I should get a better pick."
My reaction: Bad team name, OK draft spot. But I'm starting to get worried no one is going to believe this because my name hasn't been picked yet. Maybe it'll be next ...
4. Mudslingers of old (Capt. Awesome's Dad)
Jo comment: "That's not a great spot for your own father."
My reaction: I thought it was a good spot. But it's not quite as good as the next pick, which belongs to ...
3. Giuliani's 2nd Wife (Jim)
Jo comment: "Are you cheating? Is your name even in there?"
My reaction: Even Jim might decide to draft a RB this high. We're almost finished here, but first we have ...
2. I Need Linebackers (Paul)
Jo comment: "This is stupid. Did I mention that?"
My reaction: Paul shouldn't get this high of a pick; That's a terrible team name. And now it makes me think of Trotter. Thanks for depressing me, jerk.
So that just leaves...
1. For who for what? (Capt. Awesome)
My reaction:
Oh crap.
Oh crap.
Oh crap.
No one is gonna believe this.
Jo comment: "No, you made your bed, you filthy cheater. Now you have to lie in that filthy bed. Besides, nobody is going to believe I wanted to help you. Flithy cheater."
Clearly, the hat was expecting Heidi's name to come out last. Despite the Koy apologist's animosity over here, she'll vouch this is on the up-and-up, and I'll remind you all we've never had a repeat winner of the Awesome Cup or someone win after getting the number one pick in the draft. That's two big strikes against me.
Let's set the draft for Friday, Aug. 31 -- it's automated, so set your rosters before that night. I'll switch the status over and we should have our teams ready to go Saturday or Sunday morning (and I'll have Tomlinson as my #1 back).
Email me with any questions, and happy hunting.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Checking my worldwide profile
Before football season starts and every post becomes a fantasy league update (draft info coming later this week), I wanted to take a peek at the contributions I've made to society with this site via a quick google search of fun phrases. Please note, unlike the usual paint mastery I display here, these are actual, factual screen grabs from google:
First, the basics --
Then, my most important contribution to society --
Here's one that should have been on there years ago --
And, finally, my personal favorite --
Not a bad legacy so far, I must say.
First, the basics --
Then, my most important contribution to society --
Here's one that should have been on there years ago --
And, finally, my personal favorite --
Not a bad legacy so far, I must say.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Watching football at Fort Awesome
To help get you ready for the regular season, I’m chronicling what to expect the next time we’re over watching the games.
We’ve got our TV muted with the Baltimore broadcast and our Sirius radio blaring out Merrill Reese in perfect synch with the picture, so it’s time to welcome back …A.J. Feeley? Whatever, it’s still football.
7:01 – Why thank you, Dick Stockton, for the welcome back. What’s that you say, Daryl Johnson? “McGahee plays into the Ravens new philosophy of getting the offense and defense to play together.” I believe that’s a five-yard penalty for too many men on the field. Idiot. Glad to see he’s in mid-season form.
7:06 – The first play from scrimmage is … a pass. What a shock.
7:09 – As Andy Reid curses after a delay of game penalty, Lt. Col. Awesome over here offers her first commentary: “He’s hungry! Hurry up the play, I’ve gotta eat somebody!”
7:15 – So suddenly they can stop the run and can’t stop the pass. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.
7:21 – Steve McNair chucks one into the ground behind the line of scrimmage to avoid a sack and … no flag. So the refs are in mid-season form too…
7:22 – And that non-call allows McNair to complete a nice strike in the back of the end zone for the game’s first TD. I know it doesn’t matter, but grrrrrrrrrrrr.
7:24 – The “sum-sum-summertime” commercial on the radio just synched up very creepily with a Viagra commercial.
7:28 – Merril: “Westbrook rumbles for 30 yards with his classic dip-dee-do.”
Quick: “OK, time to take him out now.”
My thoughts exactly. And look, here comes Iron Knees Buckhalter, right on cue.
7:31 – Akers just shanked a field goal … because Dirk Johnson mishandled the snap. I know we’ve already got four QBs on the roster, but can you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want Koy Detmer back just for this reason?
7:34 – And here comes the Ravens second string offense. Boy, those $60 tickets are really worth the show.
7:35 – We have a Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.
7:37 – Jeremy Bloom just caught a punt cleanly AND ran forward afterwards. Can you do that? Reno Mahe usually goes down much quicker.
7:38 – A commercial for the Dan Patrick show just featured the soon-departing ESPN host saying “Would you like Mike to nibble on your ear? Would you like Mike to eat your children?” He was talking about Tyson, but you know he really meant Irvin.
7:42 – The second quarter opens with … a pass attempt (which results in a sack.) I’m sensing a theme.
7:43 – On 3rd and 23, Merrill just said “it’s third and Landover.” We missed him all summer long.
7:45 – Dirk Johnson so far: one great punt, one crappy punt. Aussie hero punter so far: nothing.
7:47 – ESPN has a gamecast of this game. Huh. I knew we should have done a pre-season fantasy football league.
7:49 – We have a second Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.
7:50 – Matt Stover hits a 50-yard-field goal, which sets the wife screaming about Koy Detmer for the third time so far. Now she’s yelling at G for not keeping a Detmer in reserve for just this situation. She’s even offering to pay to build a new one if necessary.
7:54 – There are 10 different active players who have more than 75 career sacks? I did not know that. Thank you, Ravens Television Network. Next time tell me who they are.
7:56 – WR Greg Lewis with a four-yard catch. I was pretty sure we had him put down last year. Why didn’t we?
8:02 – Ravens’ QB Kyle Boller just got destroyed by LB Matt McCoy. And most of the crowd cheered. He’s really not very good.
8:07 – “The problem,” the wife says, “is that listening Merrill eliminates most of your best material.” So I guess this isn’t very funny so far. And it’s almost 700 words.
8:08 – Nice little run by Bloom and … OH! He wipes out a coach on the Ravens sidelines as he goes out of bounds. Take that, assistant ball washer. Yeah.
8:11 – TE Brent Celek catches a five-yard pass and turns it into a 32-yard gain. Maybe I made fun of him too quickly.
Nah.
8:14 – “Akers with a 23-yard attempt, it’s spotted, it’s up, and it’s good.” Thank gawd.
8:16 – With 2:10 left in the half, the Eagles take their first time out. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.
8:18 – So I’m not going to get to see this Aussie punter, am I?
8:20 – I just saw Broderick Bunkley for the third time … this time getting beat badly on a QB scramble. Now things feel a little more normal.
8:27 – Here’s the first Kevin Kolb sighting, and his first play is … complete! To Greg Lewis! And a roughing the passer call, waived off by a offensive pass interference call! Welcome to the bigs, kid.
8:28 – OK, so his first official preseason play is a 16-yard sack. That’s much more memorable. Mercifully, that takes us to the half, with the good guys down 13-3.
8:41 – And welcome back for the second half. The Eagles had nearly 7 times as many passing yards as rushing yards. I am shocked, just shocked.
8:42 – Now at QB for the Ravens, Heisman trophy winner Troy Smith, who was drafted in the fifth round, about 96 spots after Kolb. On third and 11, he scrambles up the middle for 12. Didn’t see Kolb do that.
8:46 – The Denver-San Fran game is 10-7 in the first quarter. Why aren’t we watching that? Oh, yeah, I didn’t become a front running 49ers fan in the 80s with everyone else. My mistake.
8:47 – Now it’s 14-10, Denver. Damn.
8:51 – Ryan Moats with his second nice play in a row. Remember two years ago, when he scored three TDs in two games and ran all over the Giants? Didn’t you think he might turn into … something?
8:53 – Finally, Aussie punter Sav Rocca takes the field and unleashes … a 34-yard-punt. Ugh. That’s 2-for-3 on the punt-o-meter by Dirk Johnson, and 0-for-1 from the new guy.
8:56 – Ravens WR #16, who isn’t even listed on the official team roster, drops a pass that hits him in the numbers. He’s cut.
8:58 – Somebody was asking for $3,000 for a pair of tickets on the field at the 50 yard line. For this? Troy Smith’s mom doesn’t care that much.
9:00 – After three quick lousy plays, Rocca is back on the field and .. that was a little better. But I was promised 70 yard punts. My faith in Australia has been shaken. Lousy crooks.
9:06 – Halfway through the third, and the leading rushers in the game are QB Boller for the Ravens (20 yards) and QB Feeley for the Eagles (8 yards). But there’s still a lot of football – or whatever this is – left to play.
9:10 – Lemme ask you something – are the Ravens going to cut Matt Stover, their franchise kicker since 1991? No? Then why are you having him kick 50-yard field goals in the pre-season? He’s made two so far, by the way.
9:15 – So much for getting re-excited about Ryan Moats, huh? Looks like a 10-week fractured ankle to me.
9:19 – FB Nate Ilaoa is a fat, fat man. Do you think at dinner he uses a trough like old Andy used to do, or does he use a giant tarp like the new thin Andy does?
9:21 – Celek has four catches for 59 yards. Huh.
9:22 – First I see bald Donovan, now I see a fumble right into the arms of the Ravens. I’m afraid if I turn around I’ll see crown molding falling off the wall.
9:25 – As Bloom fair catches for the fourth time in a row, Merril tells me this is “a typical preseason game, with some positives and some negatives.” Not sure what the positives are. I guess McNabb hasn’t tossed any interceptions, so that’s good.
9:31 – Let’s rip through the 4th, shall we: There’s a 65-yard put by Rocca (finally), a few interesting WR plays by Bloom, and 13 more points by the Ravens. Oh, and Mike Quick just loves that Kevin Kolb.
Finally tallies: Five sacks surrendered, no sacks recorded, and under 20 rushing yards. They line ‘em up again on Friday, kids. We’ll try to keep the rage down until then.
We’ve got our TV muted with the Baltimore broadcast and our Sirius radio blaring out Merrill Reese in perfect synch with the picture, so it’s time to welcome back …A.J. Feeley? Whatever, it’s still football.
7:01 – Why thank you, Dick Stockton, for the welcome back. What’s that you say, Daryl Johnson? “McGahee plays into the Ravens new philosophy of getting the offense and defense to play together.” I believe that’s a five-yard penalty for too many men on the field. Idiot. Glad to see he’s in mid-season form.
7:06 – The first play from scrimmage is … a pass. What a shock.
7:09 – As Andy Reid curses after a delay of game penalty, Lt. Col. Awesome over here offers her first commentary: “He’s hungry! Hurry up the play, I’ve gotta eat somebody!”
7:15 – So suddenly they can stop the run and can’t stop the pass. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.
7:21 – Steve McNair chucks one into the ground behind the line of scrimmage to avoid a sack and … no flag. So the refs are in mid-season form too…
7:22 – And that non-call allows McNair to complete a nice strike in the back of the end zone for the game’s first TD. I know it doesn’t matter, but grrrrrrrrrrrr.
7:24 – The “sum-sum-summertime” commercial on the radio just synched up very creepily with a Viagra commercial.
7:28 – Merril: “Westbrook rumbles for 30 yards with his classic dip-dee-do.”
Quick: “OK, time to take him out now.”
My thoughts exactly. And look, here comes Iron Knees Buckhalter, right on cue.
7:31 – Akers just shanked a field goal … because Dirk Johnson mishandled the snap. I know we’ve already got four QBs on the roster, but can you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want Koy Detmer back just for this reason?
7:34 – And here comes the Ravens second string offense. Boy, those $60 tickets are really worth the show.
7:35 – We have a Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.
7:37 – Jeremy Bloom just caught a punt cleanly AND ran forward afterwards. Can you do that? Reno Mahe usually goes down much quicker.
7:38 – A commercial for the Dan Patrick show just featured the soon-departing ESPN host saying “Would you like Mike to nibble on your ear? Would you like Mike to eat your children?” He was talking about Tyson, but you know he really meant Irvin.
7:42 – The second quarter opens with … a pass attempt (which results in a sack.) I’m sensing a theme.
7:43 – On 3rd and 23, Merrill just said “it’s third and Landover.” We missed him all summer long.
7:45 – Dirk Johnson so far: one great punt, one crappy punt. Aussie hero punter so far: nothing.
7:47 – ESPN has a gamecast of this game. Huh. I knew we should have done a pre-season fantasy football league.
7:49 – We have a second Broderick Bunkley sighting. Please take all appropriate precautions.
7:50 – Matt Stover hits a 50-yard-field goal, which sets the wife screaming about Koy Detmer for the third time so far. Now she’s yelling at G for not keeping a Detmer in reserve for just this situation. She’s even offering to pay to build a new one if necessary.
7:54 – There are 10 different active players who have more than 75 career sacks? I did not know that. Thank you, Ravens Television Network. Next time tell me who they are.
7:56 – WR Greg Lewis with a four-yard catch. I was pretty sure we had him put down last year. Why didn’t we?
8:02 – Ravens’ QB Kyle Boller just got destroyed by LB Matt McCoy. And most of the crowd cheered. He’s really not very good.
8:07 – “The problem,” the wife says, “is that listening Merrill eliminates most of your best material.” So I guess this isn’t very funny so far. And it’s almost 700 words.
8:08 – Nice little run by Bloom and … OH! He wipes out a coach on the Ravens sidelines as he goes out of bounds. Take that, assistant ball washer. Yeah.
8:11 – TE Brent Celek catches a five-yard pass and turns it into a 32-yard gain. Maybe I made fun of him too quickly.
Nah.
8:14 – “Akers with a 23-yard attempt, it’s spotted, it’s up, and it’s good.” Thank gawd.
8:16 – With 2:10 left in the half, the Eagles take their first time out. If you were wondering if this was real football, you now have your answer.
8:18 – So I’m not going to get to see this Aussie punter, am I?
8:20 – I just saw Broderick Bunkley for the third time … this time getting beat badly on a QB scramble. Now things feel a little more normal.
8:27 – Here’s the first Kevin Kolb sighting, and his first play is … complete! To Greg Lewis! And a roughing the passer call, waived off by a offensive pass interference call! Welcome to the bigs, kid.
8:28 – OK, so his first official preseason play is a 16-yard sack. That’s much more memorable. Mercifully, that takes us to the half, with the good guys down 13-3.
8:41 – And welcome back for the second half. The Eagles had nearly 7 times as many passing yards as rushing yards. I am shocked, just shocked.
8:42 – Now at QB for the Ravens, Heisman trophy winner Troy Smith, who was drafted in the fifth round, about 96 spots after Kolb. On third and 11, he scrambles up the middle for 12. Didn’t see Kolb do that.
8:46 – The Denver-San Fran game is 10-7 in the first quarter. Why aren’t we watching that? Oh, yeah, I didn’t become a front running 49ers fan in the 80s with everyone else. My mistake.
8:47 – Now it’s 14-10, Denver. Damn.
8:51 – Ryan Moats with his second nice play in a row. Remember two years ago, when he scored three TDs in two games and ran all over the Giants? Didn’t you think he might turn into … something?
8:53 – Finally, Aussie punter Sav Rocca takes the field and unleashes … a 34-yard-punt. Ugh. That’s 2-for-3 on the punt-o-meter by Dirk Johnson, and 0-for-1 from the new guy.
8:56 – Ravens WR #16, who isn’t even listed on the official team roster, drops a pass that hits him in the numbers. He’s cut.
8:58 – Somebody was asking for $3,000 for a pair of tickets on the field at the 50 yard line. For this? Troy Smith’s mom doesn’t care that much.
9:00 – After three quick lousy plays, Rocca is back on the field and .. that was a little better. But I was promised 70 yard punts. My faith in Australia has been shaken. Lousy crooks.
9:06 – Halfway through the third, and the leading rushers in the game are QB Boller for the Ravens (20 yards) and QB Feeley for the Eagles (8 yards). But there’s still a lot of football – or whatever this is – left to play.
9:10 – Lemme ask you something – are the Ravens going to cut Matt Stover, their franchise kicker since 1991? No? Then why are you having him kick 50-yard field goals in the pre-season? He’s made two so far, by the way.
9:15 – So much for getting re-excited about Ryan Moats, huh? Looks like a 10-week fractured ankle to me.
9:19 – FB Nate Ilaoa is a fat, fat man. Do you think at dinner he uses a trough like old Andy used to do, or does he use a giant tarp like the new thin Andy does?
9:21 – Celek has four catches for 59 yards. Huh.
9:22 – First I see bald Donovan, now I see a fumble right into the arms of the Ravens. I’m afraid if I turn around I’ll see crown molding falling off the wall.
9:25 – As Bloom fair catches for the fourth time in a row, Merril tells me this is “a typical preseason game, with some positives and some negatives.” Not sure what the positives are. I guess McNabb hasn’t tossed any interceptions, so that’s good.
9:31 – Let’s rip through the 4th, shall we: There’s a 65-yard put by Rocca (finally), a few interesting WR plays by Bloom, and 13 more points by the Ravens. Oh, and Mike Quick just loves that Kevin Kolb.
Finally tallies: Five sacks surrendered, no sacks recorded, and under 20 rushing yards. They line ‘em up again on Friday, kids. We’ll try to keep the rage down until then.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Why was Mike crying?
Did you see the Hall of Fame ceremonies this weekend? Were you wondering why Michael Irvin was blubbering like a little girl? This photo from when he got back home in Texas should shed some light for you:
Clearly, he was upset because he was hungry, and they don't serve his favorite meal in Canton.
Yes, in case you forgot, Michael Irvin eats children
Clearly, he was upset because he was hungry, and they don't serve his favorite meal in Canton.
Yes, in case you forgot, Michael Irvin eats children
Monday, July 30, 2007
Reports from camp
Veterans started coming into camp today, and in a show of sportsmanship many of the old-timers made sure to catch up with the rookies and give them advice on life in the NFL. I couldn’t make it up to Lehigh myself but my sources around camp made sure to report back to me on some of their tidbits:
RB Correll Buckhalter (speaking with new RB Tony Hunt):
“When you hit the line, really push from the bottom of your feet. You’re gonna feel a lot of torque in your knees, but don’t worry about that. This training staff is really good at preventing knee injuries.”
C Jamaal Jackson (speaking with C Jasper Harvey)
“You might want to practice handling the ball when it’s really wet and slimy – really, really slimy, like someone lost their lunch on it. I’m just saying, it comes in useful.”
DE Jerome McDougal (speaking with DE Marques Murrell)
“Hey, I’m as surprised as you are that I’m still on the roster.
WR Greg Lewis (speaking with WR Zac Collie)
“Yeah, I understand you went to BYU too, but I’m telling you it doesn’t buy you any help. If big Andy is hungry, and you drop a pass, he will eat you. What do you think happened to Freddie Mitchell?”
QB Donovan McNabb (speaking with QB Kevin Kolb):
“Go away.”
CB Sheldon Brown (speaking with CB Rashard Barksdale)
“You can go talk to him, but I’m not introducing you. I’m still afraid of Kearse. I don’t think your arms are supposed to reach that far.”
FB Thomas Tapeh (speaking with RB Nate Ilaoa)
“I wouldn’t worry about those passing drills too much – this isn’t really a passing offense. Besides, they’ll still throw to you even if you drop every single pass your way. ”
FS Brian Dawkins (speaking with FS C.J. Gaddis)
“No, I didn’t know that you’re a safety out of Clemson too. That’s pretty cool. Did you know I can snap a grown man in two like a twig? No? Why don’t you back off a little then.
QB Koy Detmer (speaking with LB Akeem Jordan)
“Yeah, I know my name isn’t on there, but trust me: I always make the team.”
RB Correll Buckhalter (speaking with new RB Tony Hunt):
“When you hit the line, really push from the bottom of your feet. You’re gonna feel a lot of torque in your knees, but don’t worry about that. This training staff is really good at preventing knee injuries.”
C Jamaal Jackson (speaking with C Jasper Harvey)
“You might want to practice handling the ball when it’s really wet and slimy – really, really slimy, like someone lost their lunch on it. I’m just saying, it comes in useful.”
DE Jerome McDougal (speaking with DE Marques Murrell)
“Hey, I’m as surprised as you are that I’m still on the roster.
WR Greg Lewis (speaking with WR Zac Collie)
“Yeah, I understand you went to BYU too, but I’m telling you it doesn’t buy you any help. If big Andy is hungry, and you drop a pass, he will eat you. What do you think happened to Freddie Mitchell?”
QB Donovan McNabb (speaking with QB Kevin Kolb):
“Go away.”
CB Sheldon Brown (speaking with CB Rashard Barksdale)
“You can go talk to him, but I’m not introducing you. I’m still afraid of Kearse. I don’t think your arms are supposed to reach that far.”
FB Thomas Tapeh (speaking with RB Nate Ilaoa)
“I wouldn’t worry about those passing drills too much – this isn’t really a passing offense. Besides, they’ll still throw to you even if you drop every single pass your way. ”
FS Brian Dawkins (speaking with FS C.J. Gaddis)
“No, I didn’t know that you’re a safety out of Clemson too. That’s pretty cool. Did you know I can snap a grown man in two like a twig? No? Why don’t you back off a little then.
QB Koy Detmer (speaking with LB Akeem Jordan)
“Yeah, I know my name isn’t on there, but trust me: I always make the team.”
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
More phun phacts
I found some more training camp tidbits for ya:
Jason Davis – FB, 3rd year
Phun Phact: He is one of three fullbacks on the team, all of whom are under 250 pounds and can’t catch passes. But he’s the only one who’s also under six feet tall (5-11) so that sets him apart.
Kevin Curtis – WR, 6th year
Phun Phact: Curtis is a Mormon, decreasing his chances of being eaten by Andy Reid during an angry cut-day binge session. Cannibalism is part of their religion, you know.
Ryan Moats – RB, 4th year
Phun Phact: He took a Western Caribbean cruise with his wife in 2007. Apparently, the Eagles PR staff thinks that’s interesting enough to include in his official biography.
William Thomas – OT, 11th year
Phun Phact: Formerly known as “Tra Thomas,” he began using his real name during the 2006 offseason. Also, next year he plans to change his name to “Thurman Thomas” and then “Donovan McNabb Thomas” in 2009.
Dereck Faulkner – WR, rookie year
Phun Phact: He was born in Germany, says he grew up idolizing Mike Quick and played all of his college ball at little-seen Hampton University. Sounds like a foreign spy to me, possibly communist.
Takeo Spikes – LB, 11th year
Phun Phact: If you come across the middle, he will straight-up murder you.
Jason Davis – FB, 3rd year
Phun Phact: He is one of three fullbacks on the team, all of whom are under 250 pounds and can’t catch passes. But he’s the only one who’s also under six feet tall (5-11) so that sets him apart.
Kevin Curtis – WR, 6th year
Phun Phact: Curtis is a Mormon, decreasing his chances of being eaten by Andy Reid during an angry cut-day binge session. Cannibalism is part of their religion, you know.
Ryan Moats – RB, 4th year
Phun Phact: He took a Western Caribbean cruise with his wife in 2007. Apparently, the Eagles PR staff thinks that’s interesting enough to include in his official biography.
William Thomas – OT, 11th year
Phun Phact: Formerly known as “Tra Thomas,” he began using his real name during the 2006 offseason. Also, next year he plans to change his name to “Thurman Thomas” and then “Donovan McNabb Thomas” in 2009.
Dereck Faulkner – WR, rookie year
Phun Phact: He was born in Germany, says he grew up idolizing Mike Quick and played all of his college ball at little-seen Hampton University. Sounds like a foreign spy to me, possibly communist.
Takeo Spikes – LB, 11th year
Phun Phact: If you come across the middle, he will straight-up murder you.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Training for training camp
With Eagles training camp coming up this week, here's a quick guide to some names you should know on the team.
Sav Rocca – P, rookie year
Phun Phact: Rocca is a well-known Australian Rules Futebal player who came to American with the singular goal of kicking Dirk Johnson’s ass.
Max Jean-Gilles – OG, 2nd year
Phun Phact: He has both the biggest girth on the team (358 pounds) and the girliest name on the team (Max Jean-Gilles).
Erick Harris – S, 2nd year
Phun Phact: He has played Division 1-AA college football, NFL Europe football, and Arena League 2 football, but not any pro ball. And he won’t this year either.
Jon Dorenbos – LS, 6th year
Phun Phact: He’s the Eagles long snapper. His name is not Mike Bartrum.
Brian Dawkins – S, 13th year
Phun Phact: Dawk needs two sacks to become the third man in NFL history to record 20 interceptions and 20 sacks in a career. Also, with four more sacks, he will officially have to register with police as a deadly weapon.
Rashad Barksdale – CB, rookie year
Phun Phact: His middle name is unique. No, not unusual. “Unique.” And, ironically, there’s nothing else special about him listed in the media guide.
Sav Rocca – P, rookie year
Phun Phact: Rocca is a well-known Australian Rules Futebal player who came to American with the singular goal of kicking Dirk Johnson’s ass.
Max Jean-Gilles – OG, 2nd year
Phun Phact: He has both the biggest girth on the team (358 pounds) and the girliest name on the team (Max Jean-Gilles).
Erick Harris – S, 2nd year
Phun Phact: He has played Division 1-AA college football, NFL Europe football, and Arena League 2 football, but not any pro ball. And he won’t this year either.
Jon Dorenbos – LS, 6th year
Phun Phact: He’s the Eagles long snapper. His name is not Mike Bartrum.
Brian Dawkins – S, 13th year
Phun Phact: Dawk needs two sacks to become the third man in NFL history to record 20 interceptions and 20 sacks in a career. Also, with four more sacks, he will officially have to register with police as a deadly weapon.
Rashad Barksdale – CB, rookie year
Phun Phact: His middle name is unique. No, not unusual. “Unique.” And, ironically, there’s nothing else special about him listed in the media guide.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Trying to let go
So I'm watching that baseball game Sunday night, and in the eighth inning Ryan Howard leads off with a double, the first extra-base hit of the night for the team (which trails 10-zip). Aaron Rowan strikes out, and Pat Burrell follows with a pop-up.
Greg Dobbs comes to bat, and the Cardinals reliver bounces a pitch five feet in front of home plate and over the catcher's head. Howard breaks for third, but the third base coach John Vukovich inexplicably waves him off as the ball rolls around. Ryan retreats to second, and the crowd starts booing at the horrible call.
Announcer Joe Morgan immediatley launches into a tirade, asking what the fans are thinking and noting "it's not like one run is going to matter anyway."
And that's the difference between loyal Philly fans and loyal idiot baseball fans. One expects their team to be trying no matter what, and the other thinks you should be content with losing.
By the way, 44,872 fans attended the historic Phillies loss Sunday. That's better than the attendance at three of the Braves last five home playoff games.
Monday, July 09, 2007
I'm going to break with tradition here and try to be postive about the recent and inevitable events with the Phillies. so, here are 10,000 reasons why 10,000 losses aren't such a bad thing to worry about:
1 -- The Phillies have been around forever.
The reason the Phils have so many losses is because they're officially the oldest team in baseball (124 years, to be exact). No other MLB team has been around longer under the same name -- the Phils have always been the Phils, never the Beanaters or Alleghenys or Redlegs. So of course they have the most losses.
2 -- Those are mostly away numbers.
While the Phils overall record is under .500, their home record since 1883 is 4,840-4,576 -- a healthy .514 winning percentage. So more people have seen the Phils lose when they are the visiting team. When they're around fans, they tend to do better.
3 -- The Braves will be there soon enough.
Currently they're in second place on the all-time losses list, at just under 9,700. By the end of the 2012 season they'll reach the dubious milestone too. Only when they hit it, there won't be thousands of extra fans at the park to boo. They'll be the typical apathetic 15,000 attendance for the lousy Hotlanta fans.
4 -- You don't have to worry about the next bad benchmark.
Even if things keep going downhill at the same rate, 20,000 won't come until around 2140, well after we're all watching games from the bleacher seats up in heaven. True, we could still be around for loss 15,000 in 2072, but nobody cares about those midway milestones.
5 -- At least they won one World Series.
Fans in Milwaukee, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Colorado, San Diego, and San Francisco can say their teams have fewer losses, but they also have a combined zero World Series. And the state of Texas has never seen a World Series winner. So at least Philly has a few (very few) glory days of baseball to look back on.
6 to 9,999 -- Why don't you shut it up over there before Chase Utley comes over and makes you shut it up?
10,000 -- It's the ultimate trump card.
Boston had another four-game losing streak? The Niners were supposed to be good this year and they stink? The Red Wings haven't won a title in five years? Tell them to cry you a freakin' river. Your baseball team has lost 10,000 games, and you're still rooting for them. So they can just quit their complaining or admit to being the lousy front-runners they are.
And, if they don't take kindly to that, Chase Utley has something to say to them.
1 -- The Phillies have been around forever.
The reason the Phils have so many losses is because they're officially the oldest team in baseball (124 years, to be exact). No other MLB team has been around longer under the same name -- the Phils have always been the Phils, never the Beanaters or Alleghenys or Redlegs. So of course they have the most losses.
2 -- Those are mostly away numbers.
While the Phils overall record is under .500, their home record since 1883 is 4,840-4,576 -- a healthy .514 winning percentage. So more people have seen the Phils lose when they are the visiting team. When they're around fans, they tend to do better.
3 -- The Braves will be there soon enough.
Currently they're in second place on the all-time losses list, at just under 9,700. By the end of the 2012 season they'll reach the dubious milestone too. Only when they hit it, there won't be thousands of extra fans at the park to boo. They'll be the typical apathetic 15,000 attendance for the lousy Hotlanta fans.
4 -- You don't have to worry about the next bad benchmark.
Even if things keep going downhill at the same rate, 20,000 won't come until around 2140, well after we're all watching games from the bleacher seats up in heaven. True, we could still be around for loss 15,000 in 2072, but nobody cares about those midway milestones.
5 -- At least they won one World Series.
Fans in Milwaukee, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Colorado, San Diego, and San Francisco can say their teams have fewer losses, but they also have a combined zero World Series. And the state of Texas has never seen a World Series winner. So at least Philly has a few (very few) glory days of baseball to look back on.
6 to 9,999 -- Why don't you shut it up over there before Chase Utley comes over and makes you shut it up?
10,000 -- It's the ultimate trump card.
Boston had another four-game losing streak? The Niners were supposed to be good this year and they stink? The Red Wings haven't won a title in five years? Tell them to cry you a freakin' river. Your baseball team has lost 10,000 games, and you're still rooting for them. So they can just quit their complaining or admit to being the lousy front-runners they are.
And, if they don't take kindly to that, Chase Utley has something to say to them.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
iFalse iAdvertising
In case you missed it this week, Apple began selling its first iphones – pocket sized wonder toys that can make calls, surf the web, play mp3s, show movies …
But there are a few things the device can do that Apple has decided not to advertise. Here are some of the rejected uses for the $600 gadget:
Bottle opener
Listening to Bill Gates podcasts
Fashionable jewelry
Finding directions for the nearest payphone
Playing Pong
Editor's wife's note: Suck it Mac. He did this completely with Microsoft Paint.
But there are a few things the device can do that Apple has decided not to advertise. Here are some of the rejected uses for the $600 gadget:
Bottle opener
Listening to Bill Gates podcasts
Fashionable jewelry
Finding directions for the nearest payphone
Playing Pong
Editor's wife's note: Suck it Mac. He did this completely with Microsoft Paint.
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